There is nothing I dislike more than being woken up in the middle of a nap. Sleep was the only time I could properly be alone with my thoughts, and even though nightmares dwelled within, I had learned how to lucid-dream and keep them in check.
But when I wake up with a small warm buzzing under my left wing AND a frantic Strawberry Drop pushing me awake, it tends to overpower that annoyance very quickly. “Get up, Aegis Hammer,” she said to me, before moving over to the rest of the Paragon Guard, wings spread out.
“Priority Alert,” Stone Craft said as I hoisted myself out of the bed. Spreading my wings, I allowed one of the Mage-Casters to fling the golden-plated armour onto my body, magic saturating the room as they suited up the rest of the Paragon Guard. A quick squeeze with my wing and the small buzzing rock became still again.
Summoning Stones, an artefact from an age long lost. Apparently it was pre-Discordian and no amount of study had been able to reverse-engineer the stones but they had proven invaluable to the Paragon. Being able to be located and teleported from anywhere in the world had massive value as far as protecting Princess Celestia went.
I dug out a caffeine pill from under my pillow, crunching down on it and swallowing, turning to the two available captains, Stone Craft and Velvet Ward. Leaf Brambles was on-duty and already at Princess Celestia’s side.
“We’ve just received an alert that an entire battalion of griffon Blackfeathers are approaching Canterlot Castle,” Stone Craft said, testing his armour was fitted properly. “Completely unannounced.”
“What?” the new guy, Sunflower Seeds, blurted out. “The war ended over ten years ago.”
“This is either a social call or a declaration of war,” Velvet added. “Knowing the griffons, it could be both.”
This...was bad. An uneasy sensation filled the pit of my stomach. As a Paragon, I had trained for almost every scenario, and I was prepared to lay down my life - or even take one - to defend Celestia’s but...I never thought it would happen to me.
Then again, I don’t think any of us would have thought that. The Griffon-Equestrian war almost fifteen years ago had started over an argument over a small farming village and ended with the disappearance of the then-emperor King Mightybeak the Third.
Captain Stone Craft continued, assuming his position next to the rest of the six gathered guards. “They’re approximately four minutes out. Mission is simple: ensure protection of Goldburst at all times.”
My heart did a momentary jump in my chest. Crap - they’d switched to codenames. Goldburst was Princess Celestia’s codename. This was serious.
“Mass-Telly in three on mark,” Swift Bulwark said, assuming a position next to rest of us. I closed my eyes. I hated mass teleportation, it always left me disoriented and feeling like wanting to hurl. “Mark.”
With a snap and a pull that almost felt like my insides being inverted, were almost instantaneously teleported. The rush of arcane energy rang in my ears for a brief moment before I remembered my training exercises.
Taking a deep breath and holding it, I forced the ringing to die down.
The bright light faded and we found ourselves surrounding Princess Celestia in the standard wedge formation. A large halberd was hitched to my shoulder, wing-blades at the ready. Every muscle in my body was relaxed and ready for action.
Celestia held a stern look on her face. The last she had heard from the griffons was several years ago during a review of the cease-fire.
“Thank you, my little ponies,” she said, the motherly tone never leaving her voice. It sent a wave of warmth and reassurance through me, but my stomach still held that fear and worry in its pit. “They haven’t even sent a messenger as per tradition for these visits. I have the Ambassador’s Meeting Chamber ready for their dignitary, but please prepare for the worst.”
The Paragon Guard did not utter a sound. We remained in formation around her as we began a fast march towards the meeting hall. The unit acted as a singular extension of the Princess herself. We were her sword and shield.
Tension was high in the air, the entire guard having mobilised. Outside I could see the skies thick with pegasi. In a situation like this, the Wonderbolts would pull their entire reserves into active duty.
A line of guards filed into the meeting chamber, taking up our half of the wall space. Similarly, the griffon Blackfeathers marching in. There was no tradition being followed here, rather it was only one of the many parts of the treaty signed: any and all meetings are to be attended by a full complement of soldiers in order to safeguard the ambassadors and/or authority figures of both nations.
Celestia and the Paragon were already waiting on our side. My heart was doing somersaults in my chest, the tiniest bead of sweat breaking underneath my helmet.
The Blackfeathers were a sight to behold: each had thick veridian-coloured armour, holding massive halberds. Helmets masked their faces and beaks entirely, leaving nothing but the slightest of eyeholes for the wearers.
But it was their feathers… By the stars, their feathers were the blackest I have ever seen. Not even in the dead of night, high above the troposphere, was the sky above as dark as the feathers and fur of the griffons lining the wall. Light seemed to reach them and then stop entirely. I was unnerved just seeing the sheer blankness their feathers offered.
A loud, piercing voice pulled my concentration back to the present. “Presenting his Royal Holiness, The Grand Cleric of the Church of Light, High-Sage Deuteronomy!”
The griffon loudly belting out the introduction was a young cub, a girl judging by her voice. She couldn’t have been much older than Twilight Sparkle was. For a moment, my heart wanted to melt at the sheer adorable way she had puffed out her chest feathers proudly.
She turned around and marched out of the chamber.
Four unarmoured griffons strode in, a massive and ornate sedan chair carried on their shoulders. A high-backed throne was situated in the middle of the sedan, and sitting in it was possibly the oldest, most frail-looking griffon I have ever seen.
He had a massively hooked beak and the sagging skin around his closed eyes was a deep red. The feathers under his beak and chin were discoloured slightly, giving him a bearded look. Thick clerical robes were wrapped around his thin body.
Captain Stone Craft stepped forward to announce Celestia’s presence. His voice boomed throughout the chamber. “Presenting Her Royal Highness, The Solar Monarch of Equestria, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia took a step forward towards the sedan chair. The ancient griffon sitting in it slowly opened his eyes one by one, as if waking from a very deep slumber.
Apparently griffons can smile. I didn’t know this right up until the beak parted slightly, the jaw and skin around it breaking into a wide (what I assumed) grin. “Celestia!” he cried out in a raspy and croaky voice. “It has been many years, old friend!”
Princess Celestia took a step forward, her wing motioning us to remain where we were. “High-Sage, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Her voice was measured and even, but I could detect a slight hint of friendliness behind it.
The old griffon waved a claw, even if it was a bit slow due to his age. He reached into one of the hidden pockets of his robes, before pulling out a small cloth bag. “I have acquired a new type of coffee,” he said, holding out the bag towards her as his voice did an odd croaking sound. “I have decreed that I must share it with my oldest friend!”
I really wished I weren’t on duty. My jaw wanted to hit the ground so badly, it would threaten to leave a crater.
The High-Sage motioned towards the griffon soldiers nonchalantly. “Friends, I decree today as a holiday to enjoy and rest!”
There was an immediate reaction, the griffon soldiers turned about and filed out of the room. The four poster-griffons remained standing, holding up the sedan and made no motion to join their peers.
The High-Sage looked down, as if peering over a ledge, at the four holding him up and blinked slowly at them. “That includes you four as well. Go! Enjoy this day with your fellow griffons!”
Gently they set down the sedan, before saluting and following out behind the other soldiers.
I think my brain sort of stopped right then and there, for a second. I couldn’t properly process what was occurring before my very eyes.
Princess Celestia turned to Strawberry Drop, her berry red coat masked by the enchantments of her armour. “Please head to Wonderbolt Headquarters and call off the alert, Miss Drop. All Wonderbolts are to ensure today is a day of rest and relaxation. They can join the griffons if they wish.” She kept a leveled look at Strawberry on that last sentence. It wasn’t so much as a suggestion but an order - an entire battalion running rampant around Equestria? It would have been safer to ensure that the Equestrian air force were also ‘running rampant’ alongside them, to keep them in check.
Strawberry saluted with a wing before turning and marching out of the room. See, she was an ex-Wonderbolt herself and as such had better understanding of their command structure than the rest of us.
Celestia then turned to Captain Stone Craft. “Captain, you know what to do.”
The stalwart pegasus saluted before also marching out. Celestia and Captain Stone Craft had an old friendship and many secrets were kept between the two; only him, Celestia and the sun above knew what.
“The rest of you brave soldiers of Equestria, please take today as a day of rest and relaxation,” she continued. I couldn’t help but feel by the slight smirk on her face that the Princess was up to something - which knowing her could be as mischievous as the great snack-cake-escapade. “Join our griffon friends. High-Sage Deuteronomy and I have much to discuss.”
That left us with the ancient griffon, Princess Celestia and ten of the twelve Paragon including myself. The Princess raised an eyebrow to the remainder of us, more curious than anything.
“Please, my little ponies -,” oh stars she’s using that tone again “ - that includes you as well. I promise that I will be safe.”
There was absolutely no way that I was comfortable in doing this. There wasn’t a chance in Tartarus that any of us want to leave the Princess alone or unguarded, let along with a griffon. Even if that griffon looked like he was a gentle breeze away from falling over.
Reluctantly, all of us snapped a salute and started filing out of the chamber.
“You there!” the raspy bird-squawk of Deuteronomy called out. My heart did a sudden somersault, as we turned around in unison. He held out a shaky talon, a cheeky grin on the aged face, pointing directly at…
Me?
“Yes! You!” he called out again. “Come over here! There is no chance I wish to share this discovery with only one friend.”
I blinked several times, turning to face them properly, as the rest moved to file out. Traitors! Leaving me to my doom! What disastrous tortures could a griffon of this many years have learned over the ages? Doomed! I was doomed!
Well, I knew I was doomed because I was now stuck alone in the same room as a griffon who called upon an entire battalion of soldiers as an escort, just to share a new type of coffee, only to spontaneously declare the day a public holiday for all of them.
And Princess Celestia.
She had a slight twinkle in her eye and a knowing smile, as the griffon beckoned me over with his claw. “Come, friend! It is as it is said: ‘three is a crowd!’”
I swallowed, my throat feeling very dry at that moment. I swallowed again; the dryness did not go away.
Princess Celestia’s horn shimmered with her aura briefly as a small round table and three chairs poofed into existence in the center of the room.
I could almost hear the old bones creaking as the ancient griffon climbed out of his sedan chair, gripping the edges for support as he made his way to the freshly conjured coffee table.
“I swear, old friend, these chairs are not healthy for your back!” he remarked, pointing a talon in the air. He carefully lowered himself into the new chair, bones creaking as he did so. “But those blasted bigwigs insist! Almost force me to get up on that throne every morning.”
I was still rooted to the spot. My brain wasn’t working properly, not even able to think of any commands to send to the rest of the body. This was not Paragon behaviour.
Then again, I was never trained for this situation.
“Aegis Hammer,” Princess Celestia called. I snapped out of my stupor, stiffening my posture in readiness as my ears swivelled forward. “Please, join us.”
Oh sun above, she was smiling - and not the friendly princess-smile. With legs a little more wobbly than I was happy with, I marched forward towards the coffee table. It took Celestia motioning downwards with her eyes for me to sit at the provided chair.
The aged griffon squawked out loud - the sound distinctly happy - as I pulled the chair, and tentatively lowered myself into it. “So good of you to join us!” He extended out his claw, opening it to drop a small cotton bag on the table.
I stared at it for what felt a long while. What was so special in this bag that it could summon an entire battalion?
“High-Sage, I must mention that your visit today was unexpected,” Princess Celestia said, drawing my attention to her giving a friendly smile.
“It is as I said!” Deuteronomy squawked, “I have decreed that I must share this coffee with you, and it has been a good fifteen years since we spoke last.”
Celestia nodded, before her horn lit up and picked up the bag of coffee, turning it over as she examined it. “I hope the terms of the treaty have been treating your people well, High-Sage?” she asked. My ears twisted slightly in perplexity.
He let out a said sigh. “I’m afraid not. Many griffons are stubborn and have ingrained war into their culture and being. It will be many years before I can coax a new way of life into them.”
I was very out of place here. I really didn’t want to be here. I was a gnat on the wall witnessing two superpowers talking about things that I would probably never have the security clearance for in my life.
“I will continue to lend aid where I can,” Princess Celestia said remorsefully, her head bowed sadly. “But please understand that Equestria has also suffered many great losses. We have only recently managed to get back on our hooves.”
The griffin shook his head, his feathers bristling slightly. “Bah! This is far too much sadness for me!”
I suddenly found a talon pointed in my direction. “Friend! Shield Basher, it was?”
I swallowed, stiffening my spine as I maintained eye-contact with him. Out of the corner of my eye, Celestia nodded in my direction.
“It was Aegis Hammer, sir…”
“Yes! Safety Smasher!” He turned to Celestia, motioning to the somewhat bare coffee table. “If you could please bring us some instruments, my dear friend?”
The alicorn nodded, her magic popping in three white ceramic coffee mugs, a small burner, coffee grinder and a moka pot.
At least I could say the Princess knew how to make coffee properly.
“Quickly, friend!” High-Sage Deuteronomy said, reaching into the bag and pulling out strange discoloured coffee beans. They didn’t look like the traditionally dark roasted brown I would have expected.
The actual brewing of the coffee went by somewhat unceremoniously. I was simply thankful that the two were paying attention to something that wasn’t me for three minutes.
The three mugs, now filled with freshly brewed coffee sat in front of each of us. None made any motion to pick up or drink the dark liquids.
Many years ago, while still a recruit, Captain Stone Craft had told me: ‘You will face a moment with the Princess, where you will feel a cold dread seeping in. You will want to panic, as there will be nothing that you can do to prepare for this moment. Dread it. Fear it. But recognise it for what it is. Just a moment.’
Was… this one of those moments?
Deuteronomy squawked loudly, causing me to flinch in my seat. “I must say - this aroma is not something I am familiar with.”
“Indeed,” Celestia responded. “I have never encountered something quite like this.” She turned to me. “Aegis Hammer, what do you think?”
Yeah. This was definitely one of those moments.
I stared wide-eyed like a foal with her hoof in the cookie jar at Celestia. What was I supposed to answer? How was I supposed to answer?
“You can speak candidly, if you wish,” the Princess added, which did nothing to quell my sense of dread. Both Deuteronomy and Celestia were now looking at me expectantly.
I opened my mouth to attempt some sort of answer, but a dry croak came out. Blasted vocal chords! Now was not the time to betray me! I only had two superpowers asking my opinion about a cup of coffee…
“Well…” I managed to finally get out shakily. “It is… a new type of coffee, you said, sir?”
The griffon nodded for a moment. “So, you are saying that this new coffee’s aroma is different because it being a new type of bean, I have simply not encountered it before?”
...did he seriously ask me that question?
I glanced over at Celestia to notice a slight smirk on her face. Oh Sun above they were using me for entertainment.
“Genius!” the High-Sage exclaimed, pointing a talon into the air. “Truly one of your best, Celestia!”
Celestia responded with a light chuckle. “You flatter me, old friend. I assure you, all of my Paragon Guard are trained to the highest of standards and I value each one of just as equally as the others.”
The world no longer made any sane sense and I was sure that these two would be the end of me. It was becoming increasingly difficult to prevent myself breaking into a nervous sweat.
The old griffon reached out and gripped his mug with both claws, bringing it closer to him. “Well, friends? I believe we have put off the inevitable for too long.”
It was with great trepidation I reached forward and gripped the mug in my hooves. The steam wafted the faint smell of bitter coffee into my nostrils. I glanced up to Celestia and Deuteronomy to see them also holding their mugs.
I relaxed my shoulders. It was time to admit defeat. Letting out a slight sigh, I took a swig in unison with the other two.
My face scrunched up as the flavour began to hit me. Surprisingly it wasn’t as bitter as I was expecting, but still had a very acidic taste. I swirled it around as it brutalised my taste buds with its overwhelming flavor.
I swallowed it down, before staring at the remaining liquid in the mug, now trying to unscrunch my face from that admittedly unique experience.
Silence filled the room for a whole ten seconds, each of us processing what we had just gone through.
“That,” I said, more loudly than I wanted to, “was possibly the worst cup of coffee I have ever had.”
My eyes snapped wide as folded my ears in embarrassment. Oh sun above I wasn’t meant to say that out loud… The Captain was going to make me go to Detention Barracks again, or he might skip that entirely and court-martial me!
What if Celestia were disappointed me? Sun above, I could endure anything except Celestia expressing her sorrow at my actions.
Sweat was beading across my face, my composure having finally broken. My eyes darted between the two global superpowers, as they looked back at me. I’m not sure what would’ve been worse - the currently neutral looks they both gave me, or an actual response.
High-Sage Deuteronomy clicked his beak a few times, before raising and pointing a talon upwards. “That is a most astute observation,” he wheezed. “Truly, this confirms her as one of your best Celestia.”
Princess Celestia said nothing, instead scrunching her muzzle for a moment as she levitated the coffee back down onto the table. Her jaw worked for a few moments, finally unscrunching itself.
It was one of those many common traits of ponies - the muzzle scrunch. A sure-fire way of seeing somepony’s true reaction to something, whether it be good or bad. Not even Celestia was immune to it.
Deuteronomy continued, also finally setting his mug down. “Perhaps such a taste was to be expected, considering the journey these beans have had.”
Celestia turned to him, eyebrow slightly raised. “Oh? And what journey might that be, old friend?”
I leaned forward in my seat, also curious now. What was so special about this bean that warranted a full battalion for a social call?”
I swear, that old griffon smirked as he paused before answering. “Well, it has gone through the digestive tract of a small feline-like animal, before being picked and bagged by local farmers.” I coughed and spluttered, suddenly gagging.
It went through what?!
He pulled out the bag, shuffling it around in his claws. “Kopi-Luwak, it is called!” he guffawed “Cat-butt coffee!”
Was this a joke?
I glanced between Princess Celestia and High-Sage Deuteronomy again.
Of course it was a joke. It was a practical joke against sanity and the universe and all that was sacred.
I cracked a grin, before letting out a guffaw of my own. Celestia joined me shortly afterwards, giving out a truly enthusiastic laugh - one I don’t think I have ever heard from the alicorn.
For a good ten minutes straight, the three of us hollered and laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the this whole thing. My sides were aching by the end of it, and even then I couldn’t hold back the occasional giggle.
“I think…” the griffon began, “that today was a good day, wouldn’t you say so Defense Breaker?”
I couldn’t even care to correct him this time. “I think so too, sir,” I chuckled.
He leaned forward, reaching out and clasping my shoulder. “You’re a good pony, friend. I can see why Celestia has such confidence in you. I can see why she values her friendship with you so dearly.”
I blinked a few times, confused. Looking up at Celestia, she offered me a levelled gaze and a faint smile.
“The day gets late, and I must round up the rest of my fellow griffons for the journey home,” Deuteronomy said, shifting the chair out from under him as he stood up.
“Thank you for the visit, High-Sage,” Celestia said warmly. “Your visit was truly a pleasant surprise.”
I also stood up. “It was a pleasure to meet you, sir,” I said, snapping a salute to the old griffon.
“The pleasure is all mine, friend!” he said, before leaning forward again. “And Aegis Hammer, you must look after Celestia. That old bird doesn’t show it, but she does need a little lifting up every now and then!”
“I would hardly call myself an ‘old-bird’, High-Sage,” Celestia chuckled, her magic cleaning up the mugs and brewing utensils.
Deuteronomy let out a loud guffaw as he hobbled out of the chamber.
And I couldn’t help but stand there, a somewhat dazed feeling coming over me as I watched him depart.
I turned to Celestia, about to say something when I noticed the smile on her muzzle. Sun above, I haven’t seen her smile like that since… since ever. She was positively glowing.
I smiled to myself. I don’t think there’ was anything more to be said, really.