'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except Discord, who was literally in the process of stirring something.
"I sure hope Fluttershy appreciates this peanut butter soufflé I'm making her," crowed Discord happily.
"I will, Discord, even though I secretly know that you only do it because you think it's cute when she gets peanut butter stuck on her nose," replied Sock Puppet Fluttershy, who incidentally had peanut butter stuck to her nose.
"Horse fuckin shit she knows that, I am a master of concealing and not feeling," responded a boastful Discord as he slid his souffle mixture into the oven.
"Yeah? And she's the Element of Laughter, she can sense when you're havin' a chuckle at her expense."
"She is not the Element of Laughter, she's the Element of Pets or something."
"She laughs all the time whenever you're at her cottage," pointed out Sock Puppet Fluttershy, "plus there is no Element of Pets."
"Yeah? Well there's fuckin' pets everywhere too, and she only laughs because I'm hilarious, so I guess that makes me the Element of Laughter."
"I don't think you're very funny at all."
"You're burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about your opinion."
"No I'm no-" in one fluid motion Discord ripped Sock Puppet Fluttershy off his floating, disembodied hand and tossed it into the oven next to the souffle. After a couple seconds she was engulfed in flames that swiftly licked away at her tender cotton flesh.
"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH," said Sock Puppet Fluttershy, who was frankly not having the best day.
Discord fucked off to his living room, silently hoping the burning effigy of his best friend in the entire world wouldn't negatively impact the flavor of the souffle.
He flipped randomly through the channels, skipping past all his least favorite shows starring him.
"The Walking Discord, Family Discord, Discord Ball Super, all trash," muttered Discord miserably, "why'd I bother giving myself all these channels if I wasn't gonna give myself anything to watch?"
"Oh wow," replied Discord, who was sitting on the couch beside our dashing main character, Discord, "a 'so many channels but nothing to watch' joke, you fuckin hack."
"Oh wow," Discord snapped back,"a 'Discord replied' gag, that won't get beaten to death in the next chapter."
"The only thing getting beaten to death is you by me for the next forty-five minutes," replied Discord, but not that Discord. This one.
"I'd love to, but I really can't get this 'Element of Pets' thing out of my head. I mean, pets are friends. There has to be an Element of Pets, and it has to be Fluttershy." Mused Discord to himself.
"I thought Fluttershy was the Element of Laughter."
"No, that's me, Sock Puppet Fluttershy mentioned an Element of Pets."
"Sock Puppet Fluttershy?" Asked Discord incredulously, "She's burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about her stupid opinions."
"She's surely finished burning right now, so her opinion is more important right now."
"Well, just ask her what element she is."
"Oh yeah, great plan, 'hey Fluttershy, I know we've been hanging out for like, three or four years, and we used to be adversaries, but what Element of Harmony are you?' I'll look like a jerk." Sulked Discord.
"I know," replied Discord, "you could ask Twilight. She knows things."
"I know," exclaimed Discord, "I could ask Twilight. She knows things."
So Discord bid himself adeu and teleported himself into Twilight's bathroom.
"SURPRISE!" cried Discord as he appeared in a burst of gold that was the exact same as regular gold, except it smelled too bad for anyone to use. So it was worthless.
Discord looked around, only to see that, to his dismay, the bathroom was emptier than a freshly-emptied container of stuff.
"I guess it was a longshot."
Discord waddled throughout the crystal castle, not paying a single bit of attention to one insipid detail of this awful place. I hate Twilight's Castle.
"Is she even home?"
"Yeah, I am," came a voice from behind.
Discord melted his face inward so that it came out on the other side of his head, only for him to see, gasp, why, it was Twilight Sparkle.
"Twilight, what it do cuz? Listen babe, I've got a mad Q to send your way, hope you've got an A." Squawked Discord from behind his shutter-shade glasses as he moved behind Twilight and smacked her rump, "I mean aside from this A."
"Please stop."
"Twilight, why are you so cold to me? I've been nothing but pleasant to you for our entire relationship with only two exceptions."
"You came into my house uninvited and touched my butt."
"I was playing a character, I am an accomplished actor, in case you were unaware." Said Discord, as pride literally oozed from his lips, running down his chin, and dripping onto the floor.
"What's his name?"
"Dennis the Ass-Toucher, and I'll never use him again if you just tell me what Element of Harmony Fluttershy is."
"Kindness. Is that all you wanted?"
"Kindness? I thought for sure she was the Element of Pets."
"There is NO Element of Pets."
"But her house is literally crawling with pets."
"It is not liter-"
Discord snapped his fingers.
"It is now, and I already had this stupid argument with Sock Puppet Fluttershy, she thought Fluttershy was super funny, and the Element of Laughter, but I said I was the Element of Laughter because of how funny I am."
"I don't think you're that funny at all."
"You're burning to death in an oven, nobody cares about your opinion."
"No I'm no-" in one fluid motion Discord gripped Twilight by the throat, sprinted to her kitchen, turned the oven on, opened it, and tossed her right in. After a couple seconds she was engulfed in flames that swiftly licked away at her tender flesh.
"AUUUUUUGGGHHH" said Twilight.
"Oh wow...oops." replied Discord, realizing the gravity of the situation.
Then he thought about it for a second.
"Hey wait a second, these Element pricks were what was keeping me from taking over in the first place. Now that she's dead..."
Discord snapped his fingers.