//------------------------------// // Ouch Time // Story: Messa Little Gungan, Poop Jokes are Magic // by Dez Keiz //------------------------------// Dark Star had just finished delivering his back story. Both sides have suffered only one casualty. The Royal Guard's loss was a guard who got hungry and tried to eat his spear. The Imperial loss was a stormtrooper who could not take the back story anymore. The stormtrooper tried several times to shoot himself in the head, but kept missing. He gave up on that idea and killed himself with a thermal detinator instead. But the death rate would soon grow. The driver of the AT-ST had fallen asleep and leaned forward onto the controls cuasing the vehicle to walk forward. It stepped on and killed a guard. This promted Dark Star to order the attack. The Equestrians charged the Imperials with spears and sticks, which unfortunately for the stormtroopers was their greatest weakness. Well, that and a target moving into the area that should be their peripheral vision. The fighting continued and pegasi flew over the land to scout for enemy postions. Not wanting to be spotted, Pid-Naim ordered TIE fighters to intercept. An elite squad of 4 ace pilots flew into action, lead by the feared pilot Itu Lo. The scream of the TIE fighters sounded in the air inspiring fear in all those who opposed it. The MOFF went on the coms. "Shoot them all down," He ordered. "Yes sir," replied Itu Lo, "But there is one problem." "Problem! What kind of problem!" "I don't know how to fly this thing using hooves." The TIE squad began to fly erratically. Two of them crashed into each other. Another crashed into a AT-AT. Itu Lo tried to control his and kept the fighter up for a while, long enough to accidentally fly all the way to Manehattan, however he lost control and the TIE flew into a fashion design building. News Reports came up all around Equestria. Several believed the attacks to be from Saddle Arabia. Celestia made a statement in public with the Mane 6, Spike, Starlight, and Jar Jar behind her. "My Fellow Equestrians," She stated in a proud voice. "Upon my order we shall begin attacks on the Imperial camps in our land." As she gave the speech Jar Jar took a shit on the stage. Guards tried to stop him but he dodged them and they began to trip over one another and fall in poop piles. Celestia continued her speech and ended with "They will pay for their actions, we will get oil, I mean revenge, and save ourselves from this threat. Me bless Equestria." Ponies cheered her name. One pony in the crowd spoke up. He was a fat light blue stallion with a messy red mane, broken glasses, and a tin foil hat cutie mark. He said. "It was an inside job! Ion engines can't melt steel beams!" Celestia sighed and shot him with a bolt of magic sending him to the moon. She looked up,"Okay Dez Keiz, enough with the 9/11 jokes!" Jar Jar looked to Celestia,"Let Messa help in big fightings. Messa can help yousa soldiers." "You?" she laughed,"You would get yourself ki-" Celestia paused and thought to herself, "Holly shit, he might get himself killed." She had to let him fight. "On second thought," She said to the Gungan."Go ahead." "Yipeee! Messa a soldier!" Celestia ordered Twilight and company to go as well to see what they can learn about the Empire. Spike and Starlight would remain in Canterlot to help Celestia fight off consipracy theorist. Back on the command AT-AT JK68 and JK70 looked to the MOFF. "Sir?" asked JK68. "What are we looking for?" Stew Pid-Naim replied, "I believe a ship may have been sucked in. If so it maybe what we need to gain an upper hand, or erm hoof. These ponies have shown they can use magic, perhaps it is conected to the force. Either way, it is stopping our walkers. Our only true advantage is in the air, but so few of our pilots have figured out how to fly using hooves." JK70 spoke,"I don't think anything larger than an AT-AT came in sir." "You don't think at all you idiot," Snapped the MOFF "Although it may not be a Star Destroyer we should have access to a Victory-II class frigate. Even that should be enough to conquer these primative folk." JK68 cheered,"Yeah, how can the Empire ever loose to something cute and primative." ' On the front Jar-Jar and the others joined Dark Star. Jar Jar began to speak with Dark Star. "By Celestia," he said to himself, "This is far more painful than my backstory." They decided to split up amongst the trenches, Fluttershy would stay out of the battles and serve as a medic, Twilight would also stay out as she would stay at the command HQ to work with intellegence officers. Dash and Pinkie would preform recon, Dash from the air, and Pinkie with her many disguises. Dark Star wanted the remaining four to split into teams of two, who would lead pincer movents. Almost immediately AJ ran to Dark Star's side. "I choose him!" she stated. Command Sargent Major 1st class Esquire Dark Star sighed, "The last time a mare got this close to me she died, I don't want to risk falling in love and feeling that pain again, but if my duty requires it than I shall." Jar Jar laughed,"Yousa said doody." Rarity soon realized she was stuck with the Gungan. She held back insulting him and they paired up. The teams went to their ordered destinations. Jar Jar and Rarity lead a group of soldiers to the east side of the pincer. Having a few actual soldiers among them from the Equestrian Army raised the morale of the guards. The Army actually knew how to fight relatively well, some were even allowed to carry guns, weapons reserved for non morons. Still, there were those in the Army who have the same intelligence as guards, as a result they were given standard spears. The guns that were in service were either black powder or used an early breach loading system. Even tanks were avialable to those who could pass some IQ test. The tanks were armored boxes on train like wheels, usually they had only a single ball round cannon. Now that we got the annoying tech stuff out of the way, let's get on with the story before the fourth wall takes any more critical hits. Jar Jar and Rarity's group went from trench to trench fighting off occasional Imperial patrols. The land was full of muck and Jar Jar's feces. The group reached a rather clear trench, when Rarity ordered them all to duck down. An AT-ST was walking by. They were quick to hide from the walker and observed it at is patrolled the area. They remained in the trench in silence waiting for the metal beast to pass by. Dark Star and Apple Jack lead a more aggresive charge on the west side. AJ was even granted permission to use a breach action rifle. Dark Star himself had special guns. Dual pistols that fired razor blades. The pistols themelves also had knives attached to them. As Dark Star fought his way through stormtroopers it began to rain, it reminded him of his tragic life. They climbed a hill to get a scope of the battlefield, on top of the hill Dark Star began to brood. As he was brooding a stormtooper snuck up on him. Before the trooper could deliver the kill, Apple Jack fired a round into his neck killing him. Dark Star looked into Apple Jack's eyes. "You saved my life," He said in a serious tone, "I am in your debt, you are a goddess. I am not worthy of you." AJ looked on in cofusion,"Uh...ok." "I know you may have feelings for me." "I don't." "But you should forget them, loving me will only bring pain, you can't fix me." "But I-" "Save your wods, although you are beautiful you deserve better than me." At this moment AJ's gun was looking very friendly. At HQ Fluttershy tended to the wounded, most of which were self inflicted through accidents. She was helping a young guard out of bed. "Now," she said to him,"What have we learned?" The guard looked down and replied, "Barbed wire is not spaghetti." "Good, have a gold star sticker." She placed it on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Now go win the war." He ran out in exciment and soon found himself in combat, however due to his gold star sticker an Imperial marksmen mistook him for a high ranking officer and in a surprising act of good aim, shot him in the head. Twilight was working with the intel officers, however intelligence seemed to be a relative term here. Several times she slammed her head on the table unable to cope with the idiocy around her. Behind enemy lines Dash made her recon flights, snapping pictures with a camera the military provided her with. Pinkie was able to steal the uniform of a Stormtrooper and Infiltrate their rank. Using her Pinkie sense she could tell when she was at risk of being discovered and would act to prevent that. Back in the east trench Rarity and Jar Jar's group remained hidden. Jar Jar's eyes widened and he spoke. "Uh oh." Rarity looked to him with concern, "What wrong?" "Messa sorry." "Sorry about w-" Before she could finish Jar Jar released a massive fart, the trench filled with the deadly gas as soldiers struggled for their mask. To make matters worse the AT-ST crew heard the loud breach of sound and walked it over to the trench where it took aim into the gas cloud.