//------------------------------// // Discord and Derpy // Story: The Platonic Pony Petting Café // by FrontSevens //------------------------------// Discord grumbled. This was a petting café, not a zoo. For all of the fifty seconds he’d been at this café, the only thing he’d gotten were looks. Not stares, no. No human wanted to be caught staring too long at the draconequus, so it seemed. They avoided his gaze as if he was going to bite their heads off if they got too close. Discord huffed. He wouldn’t bite them off. He’d simply pop them off, like the lid of a Pringles can, and pop them back on backwards. Then everyone would be stuck in the past, always looking back on everything. Discord giggled, then caught himself. Fluttershy would give him a stern talking-to if she found out. He slumped in his chair and went back to grumbling. If there was one thing Fluttershy could be wrong about, though, it was about humans. Humans were selfish, greedy little goblins who wanted to keep their soft, smooth hands all for themselves. And they were all boring, if all they wanted to do was stand around in line and avoid looking at him, rather than simply coming up to pet him. He had half a mind to get up and pet the humans in line. The other half of his mind wanted to break up the line entirely, shuffle the humans like a deck of cards, and deal most of them out in front of him. The other other half of his mind wanted to go back home where his chaos magic wasn’t suppressed. The first half of his mind nudged him to take a sip of his black coffee—and so he did, his third half of his mind nodding in approval. However, the second half of his mind was distracted by a changeling a few tables over, muttering gibberish to a human across from him. Gibberish. His native tongue. Discord slithered out his chair, tail-first, snaking his way across the hardwood floor and up the side of the changeling’s table. He coiled up on the table and looked between the petter and the pett-ee—the revolting, hideous, gaudy mishmash of colour, and the changeling. “Hello,” he said, organically inserting himself into the conversation. The two of them pretended like he’d interrupted them. The changeling leaned forward. “Yes, Discord? What’s the matter?” “Nothing’s the matter at all, my friend,” Discord said, making a bridge with his fingers and resting his head on top. “I was simply in the neighbourhood and I happened to overhear music to my ears.” The changeling perked up. “Oh, you know Japanese?” Discord recoiled, then uncoiled and slithered off the table. He stood up straight and folded his arms. “Hmm, you made that sound like a thing. Like a normal thing.” “Well, it is in Japan. It’s their language, there.” The changeling nodded to the human across from him. “Rita here is helping me learn it.” “Blegh, language. Ugh. Never mind then. Bleugh.” Discord slumped away. “And here I thought changelings’ personalities matched their gorgeous designs, but no, they’re just more boring ol’ flying, talking horses.” The changeling rubbed his chin. “So I’m boring, but also gorgeous…” He glanced at the human. “That makes up for it, right? Right. I’ll take it.” Discord found his way back to his chair, climbing up from the floor and slouching. Changelings were boring. Humans were boring. Twilight was extra boring. This whole petting café idea was boring. If only he’d gone to that Ogres and Oubliettes café instead. At least there, he could sit and mumble and grumble and play a fantasy role playing game. But Fluttershy insisted, so there Discord sat. He couldn’t do anything but sit and mumble and grumble and wonder if he’d ever be approached by any of these boring, miserable humans— “Hey!” Speaking of which… Discord craned and twisted his long neck around to the source of the voice. The source was not a human, though. It was a pony. And a very, very not-boring one at that. The pony waved and smiled. “I’m Derpy.” Discord fully spun around in his chair—legs first, then arms, then torso. “Yes, I can see that. And might I just say, I love your eyes.” He held up a tape recorder up to Derpy’s mouth. “How did they get like that? Are they always like that? And more importantly, where can I get my eyes done like that?” Derpy chuckled, shaking her head. “You love my eyes, Mr. Discord? Is that a joke?” “Of course not, Ms. Derpy.” Discord pulled away the tape recorder and draped his arms across the back of his chair. “I’ve no doubt you’ve heard of me, and I’m sure you can simply imagine what I must think of every pony having their eyes, ears, legs, and tails all in the same exact places. You’d think Ponyville was Starbright Simmer’s town! Back when she was, you know, less goody-two-shoes and more… interesting.” Discord touched Derpy’s nose with his talon. “It’s the interesting ponies that, shall you say, catch my eye.” Derpy giggled. “Interesting ponies, hmm?” “Interesting ponies.” Discord tapped the back of his chair. He glanced at the human petting Derpy. “Humans are even less interesting, if you ask me. After all, none of them seem to be interested in me.” Derpy glanced at the human, then at the clock. “Well, you did just get here. Petting started at one o’clock.” “What, you’d think I’d want to be here on time?” “But it’s almost ten minutes until closing time,” Derpy said. “And did you get a posting on the on-line? Did you talk to Twilight?” Discord turned up his snout. “Of course not. Twilight would want everything so orderly. I thought I’d surprise everyone instead.” “But if you want to be petted, that’s… how it works. I think.” Derpy shrugged. “Otherwise, no one knows you’re here.” Discord grimaced, stroking his beard with his paw. “I suppose you’re right. I could put a big flashy sign out front and advertise, but I only have enough magic to produce a few posters on some nice, glossy paper… Maybe enough for a giant spinny sign.” Discord snapped his talon and produced a giant cardboard arrow sign—Pet Discord Today! 0% Interest, No Money Down. He spun it and tossed it in the air. “Aha, yes! I do have enough!” Derpy snickered. “That works. Here, I have an idea.” She stood up in her chair and waved to the line waiting for her. “Hey, everybody! My friend Discord here doesn’t have anyone to pet him. Can someone please pet him?” Discord lifted the sign to help make his case, but there were no takers. None. He had to plug his ears from the silence that followed. Not one human raised a hand, or even cleared their throat. Several people looked down and away, seemingly fearing eye contact would make them prime for selection. Well, that was certainly 0% interest. Discord grimaced and slumped in his seat. That was fine. He didn’t need anyone to pet him anyway. Humans were boring, and stupid, and Fluttershy wouldn’t stop talking about how soft human hands were and how good they felt on fur, massaging your back and shoulders… “That’s okay,” Derpy said, hopping out of her chair. “I’ll pet you instead!” Discord blinked. “Pardon me?” Derpy trotted over to the chair next to Discord, waving her human over to join her. “Yeah, why not? I’ll pet you, Alex can pet me.” She looked up at Discord. “Is it okay if I do?” “Well, that’s definitely not normal…” Discord nodded. “Perfect! Yes, feel free.” Derpy got to work, running her hoof through the base of his stubby black mane. Discord felt a tingle up his spine, which felt strange… and strange was good! Discord giggled, his rubbery bones shivering with giddiness. Derpy pulled her hoof away. “You’re shaking. Are you nervous?” “Nope. Elated!” Discord wriggled in his chair. “Ooh, it’s just as wonderful as Fluttershy made it sound. Why I dared to doubt her, I have no idea.” Derpy smiled. “I’m glad you like it.” Discord swooped his head down, peering at Derpy. “And what if I were to pet you? The petted petting the petter? Though the petted would become a petter, too, so the petted petter could pet the petting pettee. It wouldn’t petrify you, would it? You wouldn’t petition?” “I, um, I would pet… Hmm…” Derpy squinted, her eyes drifting closer together in concentration. “Petal… petty… um, petite?...” Discord saw Derpy’s eyes slide dangerously closer to normal and spoke up. “Don’t worry about it, kid. Leave the clever wordplay to me.” His lion’s paw swooped in and landed behind Derpy’s ear. “And the petting. I can do that too.” “Ooh, thanks!” Derpy leaned into Discord’s paw. “Wow, that’s really soft.” “Better than a human’s hand, you might say? In every way imaginable?” Discord attempted to toss his short black mane. It only flapped a slight amount. Derpy smirked. “Uh huh.” “Good. Good to know I’m better than all these simian chumps.” Discord’s back sagged. “They’re all so boring. At the very least, we could convert them all into ponies so they’d at least be colourful, perhaps via some sort of bureau…” Discord drummed his fingers on his chin. “As it is, all they can do is stand in lines and stare at draconequi. And staring is the worst.” “Yeah, I know what you mean. It was like that for me at first, too.” Derpy shrugged. “But then some people were really nice and didn’t care about my lazy eye. There are plenty of people like that.” Discord kept drumming his chin, his fingers morphing into drumsticks. “None showed up today, so it seems.” Derpy pointed her hoof at the human petting her. “Alex did! Alex is nice. I’m sure he’d pet you, too.” “Oh, really?” Discord decided to test that notion. He craned his serpentine neck all the way across the table, looking down on Alex, in the hopes that his looming presence would influence Alex’s answer. It did. “Y-yeah,” Alex said, swallowing. “Of course.” “Well, there. There’s one person like that.” Discord said, folding his arms. “And even then, he’s hardly convincing me. I’m finding your ‘plenty of people’ claim to be dubious.” Derpy scrunched up her nose. “Dubious?” “Unreliable. Questionable,” Discord said, “but it sounds much funnier. Dubious. Duuuuubious.” Derpy gave it a try. “Dubious. Duuubious.” She giggled. “That is funny.” “Thank you, thank you,” Discord said, a mic and mic stand appearing in his talon. “I’ll be here all night.” Derpy looked at the line as it thinned down for the night. “If you come back tomorrow—and you talk to Twilight about a posting—I’m sure people will want to pet you.” Discord shrunk the mic stand down, tossed it in his mouth, and chewed. The taste was sound, but it was the texture he couldn’t stand. “I doubt it. But okay. Whatever you say, Ms. Derpy.” Derpy looked down at the table, fixated on something that didn’t seem to be there. “I don’t mean to pry, Discord, and I’m sorry if I am, but… you really seem to be getting down on yourself.” She looked up. “Is everything okay?” Discord picked at the table. He frowned, having a feeling she’d want to talk about feelings or something annoying like that. “Everything’s fine,” Discord said, then realized how absolutely transparent and dismissive it was, and so said with more earnesty, “I’m fine, really,” which he realized was only more transparent. Derpy obviously caught on. “Look, if some people don’t want to pet you, that’s okay. It really is.” She placed a hoof on Discord’s paw. “But there are people that do. Somewhere, out there. There always are.  Sometimes it’s… easy to forget that there are some people out there just like you.” Discord sighed, rubbing his jaw. “Derpy, my pal, my chum, my friend that I’ve known for all of three minutes and twelve seconds… I don’t know if you’ve seen me, here, and seen this, and this, and this,” Discord said, pointing to his antler, then his bat wing, then his lion’s paw. “Would you think there’s anybody on this planet like me?” “Discord…” Derpy swallowed, glancing down. “Would you think people lined up from the start to pet the pony with the broken eye?” Discord swallowed, her words hitting him in the chest and tightening his heart. “Well, I, um, it’s not, you know, I wouldn’t call it broken…” “It’s true, nobody ever called it that,” she said, slowly. “On my first day, they just stood in line for a changeling disguised as Fluttershy, and while in line, they just stared.” Discord unfolded his arms, grimacing. Feeling bad for himself felt bad now, especially in front of Derpy. He found it hard to look her in the eye. Either of them. “But not all people are like that. Really.” She shrugged and looked at Alex. “You just go up to them and say hi. And if they seem like fun people to talk to, then that’s great! And if they seem uncomfortable, then that’s okay, there are other people to talk to, people that like you the way you are.” Discord fumbled in his mind, searching the floor for a retort. He said, “Well that’s cheesy,” almost immediately realizing how insensitive that might be after a statement like Derpy’s. She took it, though. “Yeah, I guess, but it’s still true.” Derp glanced at Alex. “You’ll find someone. Just put up a posting. Say hi. They could be interesting, and if they’re not, then that’s okay, maybe the next one will be.” Discord eyed Derpy from atop his perch of hundreds of years of wisdom. Which, well… a hundred or so of those years he’d spent giggling nonstop, a thousand of which he’d spent in stone, and not even one year spent discovering this whole friendship thing. He sighed. “All right, your unrelenting hope and optimism leaves me conceding defeat.” “Um, okay.” Derpy smiled. “I hope that means you’ll come back tomorrow.” “Ffffffine. I’ll give it the old college try, I guess.” Discord leaned back and rubbed his eyes. “I’ll just have to pretend every human is interesting, until they’re not.” “That… yeah, sure, that works.” “Excuse me,” a café employee said, waving to get Discord’s attention. “Ah, yes, some service, thank you. One venti Caffé Americano, please,” Discord said. “And I know it’s late at night. That’s the point.” The employee lifted a hand. “Actually, I couldn’t help but overhear, but my shift’s just about over and, well, I’m a fan, personally, so I was wondering if it’s all right if I, you know—” “Yes, yes, of course,” Discord said, folding his arms behind his head. “You can give it to me on the house. It’s very nice of you to offer. And by on the house, I mean leave it on the roof. Thank you.” “Um, Discord,” Derpy said. “Fffffine, I’ll be emotionally vulnerable. Here,” Discord said, pulling out a chair. “Have a seat. I’ll pet you while you gush about me. Deal?” The employee laughed. “As long as I get to pet you, too.” Discord rubbed his chin. “And… you tell me your name.” “Peter,” Peter said, extending his hand. “Peter! Ha! Peter the petter!” Discord turned to Derpy while simultaneously shaking Peter’s hand. “This is perfect!” Derpy beamed. “I’m glad!” Discord pet Peter as Peter prattled on about his passion for ponies or some poppycock. Then Peter pet Discord… and his need for alliteration vanished. Discord instantly knew exactly what Fluttershy was gushing about. Human hands were uniquely soft, running across his fur. He felt his twisty, twirly spine unwind, and almost… align. Catching himself, he re-swirled up his body. But he observed Peter with an inquisitive eye, slowly finding him almost as interesting as Peter found him. He glanced over at Derpy. She simply smiled and leaned her head back. Discord did the same. He could get used to this. These Petting Cafés seemed to be here to stay, after all. Not that he minded.