//------------------------------// // Episode 5 // Story: The Pony Variety Show! // by ArdanBlade //------------------------------// The Pony Variety Show! The crowd is bustling, pressing and fighting to get into the theatre's doors for the best seats! The press of the crowd is so tight that people keep getting knocked over, shoved around, and generally pushed into stuff! Suddenly you realize that one particularly fat brony is trying to squeeze through the door desperately for the third time! Watching patiently as he makes the entryway, you see him rush in through the front entrance, look around in confusion, and rush the doors again! "Muhahahahaha!" Discord's laugh echoes from above as the chaotic cycle of entry and reentry continues. "Discord!" Twilight Sparkle's voice resounds from somewhere in the chamber. "I told you no enchanting the doors! It's really not helpful!" "Oh fine. You're such a killjoy, you know that?" With a snap, the door returns to normal, and you can all enter the theatre. You quickly find a seat, watching eagerly as everypony settles down, their eyes riveted upon the stage. Spike darts from behind the curtains, heaving out a breath as he makes center stage, wiping sweat from his brow as he does. "Whew! Never too little exercise around here!" Up above in their box, Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore begin their raucous commentary. "Well, it's good to see Spike getting his workout." Mr. Waddle says sarcastically. "Why's that?" Geri asks his shorter companion. "It's the only work that's gotten done around here in weeks!" "Dohohohoho!" Spike clenches his claws, glaring up at the offending oldsters with a scowl. Turning away from their laughter, he addresses you all. "Welcome fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! I give you, the mares with flair, the hooves with the moves, the peanut butter, jelly, and toasted egg sandwich! Wait… what?" He pauses, staring at the cue card Derpy is holding up. She looks up at the sign, tilting her head to one side in confusion. Bubbly Pinkie Pie laughter emits from somewhere nearby. Shaking his head to recover, he continues. "Everypony, keep your chairs in their upright positions, it's your little ponies in the Pony Variety Show!" The tiny dragon steps aside as the curtain raises, revealing a staircase covered in lights! Upon it are dozens of ponies dressed in flamboyantly colored tuxedoes, all singing to the theme that begins to play overhead! "It's time for the show-show-show! Let's get up and go-go-go! You bronies prepare-pare-pare, It's our time to share-share-share! Is that a flying chair?" A folding chair comes hurtling out of the audience, crashing onto the stage, only narrowly missing Lyra! From the back of the room, a hater… Dun dun DUHHN! …boos the ponies onstage! He is quickly jumped by a rabid mob of bronies, who rip off his clothes and toss him out of the theatre! As they reenter, one of them shouts back. "You stay away from my Lyra-poo!" Lyra blushes furiously as the song continues unabated by the random hater attack. "Oh that was a flying chair-chair-chair! It's our time to share-share-share! We fly high and dance low, we're getting in the flow, It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!" Applause thunders as the ponies bow out, disappearing behind the curtains. Spike waddles back to center stage, chuckling as he grins at the audience. "Lyra-poo! That's a good one! I'll have to remind her of that one later! Ahem, as I was saying, welcome once again to the Pony Variety Show!" As the applause slowly fades off, Spike continues. "Today on the PVS, we've got some great talent coming in! We'll be having the very first Iron Will Crossover Smashdown, featuring the the mighty Red Cyclone, Zangief!" The massive, musclebound figure of the seven-foot tall wrestler steps out onto the stage. He is clothed only in red shorts with a gold belt, red boots, and wristbands. His chest is covered in thick hair, and he wears a mohawk and beard. Scars crisscross his body, a testament to the claims of wrestling bears in his homeland of Russia. With a mighty laugh, he grins at you. "Welcome all! Zangief is here to show blue wrestle beast who is boss!" "Iron Will resents your remarks, human!" Iron Will appears from the left side of the stage, pointing an accusing finger at the wrestler. "He will crush you into powder, then sell you as a bodybuilding pill!" "Zangief will be eating steaks for dinner tonight!" Zangief replies as he stomps across the stage. The two combatants grit their teeth, looking ready to come to blows when Spike intervenes. The tiny figure gets between the two, putting his claws upon their shins. "Hey guys, can this wait? We haven't even gotten done with the show's announcements yet." "Oh, sorry. Yes tiny lizard. Zangief can wait." The huge wrestler's aggressive demeanor vanishes almost instantly, much to the surprise of Iron Will. The human strides off his side of the stage, leaving the flabbergasted minotaur looking nonplussed. "Uh… Iron Will will… be back for you, Zangief!" Iron Will recovers, pointing his finger after his competition before returning to his place behind the curtains. "Whew! For a second, I thought we were gonna have the match right now!" Spike says, wiping imaginary sweat from his forehead. "After the match, we'll have Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, and a guest OC named Darkened Flame participating in Jackmule! It'll be loads of daring tricks and painful crashes for all! After that, we've got a special behind the scenes from the sinister minds of those two pranksters, Bluenose and Yellowbelly, that promises to be a real nail biter! They mentioned something about cupcakes." "Finally, we'll be reading your fan mail, answering questions, and doing a news segment from the wide world beyond with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" Spike pauses dramatically as Twilight Sparkle steps onto the stage. "Of course, what would the show be without our special guest! Introducing, straight from the twisted mind of Jason Steele, Charlie the Unicorn!" Twilight breathes in, then summons up an enormous burst of white magic that sends ponies gasping and bronies covering their eyes. The flash ends as abruptly as it starts, leaving spots flashing in your eyes. There upon the stage, now standing in front of Twilight, is a significantly taller unicorn, who's grey coat is as bright and cheerful as his personality. "Oh please no! I don't even wanna know what you two di…" Charlie's eyes are squeezed shut, only to peek open at the sound of claps and cheers. He looks around in surprise, a bewildered expression on his face. "Oh god, where am I!?" "Don't worry, Mr. Charlie the Unicorn." Twilight begins, smiling proudly. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you've been brought here with my magic. We wanted to have you as a special guest today on the Pony Variety Show, and already got permission from your agents." "Wait, I'm where now? What show are you talking about? I don't have any agents!" The grumpy Charlie complains. "You don't? I was quite certain that those other two unicorns said-" "Don't ever listen to anything those two say! They're the bane of my existence." Charlie cuts her off abruptly, looking around for said miscreants. "Umm… we didn't bring them here." Twilight explains, looking concerned. "You mean they're not here!? As in, not here at all!?" Charlie's eyes grow wider. "Oh thank you! You're my hero! Will you marry me!?" Twilight backs up a step, looking surprised at the bigger unicorn. "Well I'm glad you're happy, but no, I will not be marrying you." "That's okay, I didn't mean it anyway." Charlie's cynicism returns full force. "I'm just so happy to finally be free of them!" "It's great to have you, mister Charlie." Spike says, grinning up at the guest. "For today, why don't you go sit up in the box with Mr. Waddles and Mr. Fore?" "Sure, why not. What's the worst that could happen?" Almost as if on cue, the crowd laughs, making Charlie look about nervously. As he retreats from the stage, Spike follows after him, smiling back at you all. "Let's get on with the show, shall we!?" * * * The curtain sweeps open, pouring a thick fog out from the back as Iron Will, arms outstretched, steps from the mist. The speakers thunder a beat as he reaches the front of the stage. "Welcome to the Iron Will Crossover Smashdown! Today I'll be crushing the weak, pathetic, Zangief! Get ready to hold on to your seats as Iron Will shows you what a real wrestler can do!" With a mighty leap, Zangief crashes through the mist, landing opposite of Iron Will on the stage. "You think you can take Zangief!? Hah! I spit out toothpicks bigger than you!" "When somepony comes up and acts like a tool, curb stomp their face and pity the fool!" Iron Will retorts, then leaps at Zangief! The massive wrestler grips the minotaur's horns, hurling him past into the stage wall! Snorting, Iron Will recovers quickly, glaring as he charges again, arms outstretched. Zangief meets the charge, reaching over the minotaur and grabbing him by the back. Iron Will's expression turns to shock as Zangief launches himself up into the air, taking the inverted minotaur with him! As he reaches the apex of his jump, the human wrestler twists, sending them both spinning down to the stage again! There's a tremendous crash as Iron Will's horns smash through the wood floor, his head driven into the stage by the spinning piledriver! Zangief releases the body, laughing as he does. "I apologize. I damaged the floor with your head!" Iron Will places his hands on either side of the stage, pulling until his head busts free with a crack! "Somepony thinks they can make you stop, teach them a lesson with an elbow drop!" Throwing himself at Zangief, the minotaur delivers a crushing blow from his arm, sending Zangief reeling back to the ground. He pushes himself up with one arm, brushing blood from his lip with the other. "Zangief does not know if you noticed, but he is not pony!" Iron Will charges again, his eyes blazing at the taunt. He doesn't see Zangief sweep his leg up and around until too late. Wrapping the muscular limb around Iron Will's waist, Zangief twists and rolls, coming up on top of the minotaur's back. Pressing a massive forearm onto his foe's thrashing body, the human wrestler laughs triumphantly! Spike races out, patting the ground three times. "One! Two! Three!" Grabbing hold of Zangief's right arm, Spike lifts it up. "The winner! Zangief!" "Ah, thank you, minotaur! You make me feel so powerful!" Zangief lifts his arms higher in triumph, pulling Spike up off the ground in the process! He parades about the stage proudly as Iron Will drags himself backstage, then retreats as well, leaving the curtains to fall. * * * From behind the curtains, a loud, clanking, clattering sounds as a large machine lifts up the curtain, rolling up on wagon wheels as it's mechanical arm retracts, steam chugging from fluted smokestacks. The arm extends again as it sets up a podium with a red and white banner. The machine then erupts in limbs, cutting away the damaged sections of the floor with a saw, hammering a newly laid section down, and then polishing it with what appears to be a hose. Stepping out from behind the whistling, whirring contraption are a pair of pale yellow unicorn stallions wearing blue and white striped shirts. They have half-curled, red and white manes, with one of them sporting a bushy mustache. Confetti cannons and horns erupt from the contraption, blaring out an orchestra as it shoots a spray of confetti all over you! "Greetings everyone!" The clean shaven one calls as he leans upon the podium. "Allow me to introduce my brother and I! We're the world famous Flim and Flam, campaigning candidates nonpareil! We're here today to present to you our run for the office of Ruler of Everything, and all that we will do for you!" "Allow us to introduce," Flam pauses for dramatic effect, then waves his hoof up at the heaving machine, "the Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand! It slices, it dices, it cleans your floors and does your chores!" "Our campaign," Flim picks up, gesturing to the machine, which promptly emits a projection onto the curtains, "runs on the basis that the other rulers have done nothing to change the status quo! They want to be in charge, but what opportunity do they offer you? None!" "If we're elected," Flam continues, "the Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand will become a modern household convenience! We will ensure that everypony has access to our wonderful machine, and many other innovations that will make life easier for you!" "Will it do my laundry?" Somepony in the crowd asks. "Why of course it will!" Flim declares with a smile as the machine's hose sweeps out, sucking up several articles of clothing from the crowd, pulls them into a rotating chamber, then fires them promptly back over the audience, freshly cleaned. "How about piping? Can it do that?" Another pony asks. "It sure can!" Flam answers, raising his eyebrows at the questioner. The machine promptly rips up the stage floor, tossing boards all over the audience as a hail of arms reach down into the floor. A shoot of water spurts up, but is quickly quelled by the machine as it removes its limbs and begins repairing the floor. "How about reaching up to the top of a shelf?" Roseluck, who happens to be sitting next to you asks. "Or scratch that one spot on mah back!?" A stallion questions. "Can it pay my bills?" A third interjects. Flim and Flam look at each other nervously as the machine starts jerking spastically, it's dozens of limbs each going then stopping in random sequences as it tries to process the requests. Then with a sudden spark and a hiss of steam, it stops. The brothers look up at their contraption worriedly, when it begins to move again. This time, however, it reaches inside itself, pulls out a suitcase and hat. Propping the hat upon it's head, the machine speaks. "I've had *bzrrt* enough of this! I'm outta here!" With that, it rolls back through the curtains, leaving an embarrassed Flim and Flam upon the stage. "Well, this doesn't look good…" Flam says. "Nope, hopefully they'll still vote for us." Flim replies. "Maybe we can play it up or something." "Good idea, let's get to work on that right away." Flam darts under the curtain, abandoning the scene. "Right behind you, brother of mine!" Flim retreats as well, leaving a team of grumbling ponies to clean up the stage. "Well that's what I call a show stopper." Geri Fore comments. "Why's that?" Charlie, who is sitting in the box with the two old ponies, asks. "The show just stopped!" Mr. Waddle replies. "Dohohohohoho!" "Oh boy, you guys are a riot." Charlie grumbles, settling his head on the rail. * * * The curtain sweeps open, revealing a vast daredevil skate park and trick arena. A large sign hangs from the top of the curtains with Jackmule written in big, bold letters. Suddenly the sound of a guitar jamming out plays over the loudspeakers as a little orange pegasus filly shoots up a ramp on her scooter, which promptly accelerates due to a series of rockets strapped to it. Gasping in surprise, Scootaloo barely has time to think before she impacts a big, fluffy white cloud. Her scooter shoots up through the cloud, while the dazed filly drops like a rock, hitting the ground with a thud! Pegasus ponies start shooting off everywhere, slingshotting themselves only to impact walls, dropping into fish tanks and being set about by electric eels, and being set into giant tops that whirl them around until they puke whirling projectile vomit everywhere! "Hey there everypony!" Rainbow Dash yells into her headset from her place near the back of the field. "Welcome to Jackmule, where we pull all kinds of ridiculous stunts! Why do we inflict this on ourselves you ask? Because we can of course! We're here to show you that we're the most fearless daredevils anywhere!" "Today we've got a special guest, an OC named Darkened Flame, looking to impress yours truly!" Rainbow grins cheekily, nodding her head back at her unfortunate victim. The pegasus stallion in question is sitting on a catapult that appears to be attached to a pair of underwear around his red flank, a black mane topping his head. He waves cheerfully out at all of you, apparently unaware of what he's about to endure. "So I told him that if he really wanted to impress me, he'd have to beat me in a race! Of course, it would be unfair of me to not give him some assistance!" She winks, her voice dripping sarcasm. "This," Rainbow Dash says, gesturing to the catapult, "is the Super Wedgie Slinger! It'll give him quite a boost at the start of the race!" Flying over, she smiles up at the hapless OC. "You ready up there?" "Ready and waiting!" He answers, grinning back. "Perfect! On your mark, get set, go!" Rainbow calls, shooting off the starting line towards you like a bolt! Her companion is not so lucky! The catapult does sling him as intended, pulling up the underwear with every ounce of momentum it has! With a dismayed squeal, he sails out after Rainbow Dash, holding his family jewels! The two ponies speed closer and closer, but right at the last moment, Rainbow Dash opens her wings and rolls, avoiding leaving the stage. Darkened Flame is not so lucky. Still in far too much pain, he overshoots, his wings failing to catch the air, and he plows into the audience two rows down, sending seats, ponies and bronies alike flying through the air! "Ooh! That had to hurt!" Rainbow does her best to hold back a smirk, only to lose it. She topples over, laughing uproariously at the terrible crash. Nurse Redheart and another paramedic pony rush over to the crashed Darkened Flame, helping him to his feet. "I'm okay… How was that… Dashie?" He wobbles, falls back over, then gets helped up again. "Not bad, but you could have done better! Let's see how you do on this next one!" "Next one? Oooh…" The poor OC drops over again. "Uh… we'll get back to him in a minute." Rainbow Dash looks up to where a large cannon sits. "Hey, you ready up there, Pip!?" "All ready up here!" The tiny form of Pipsqueak called from inside the barrel. "Alright! Ready for launch! Three, two, one, LAUNCH!" Rainbow slams down on a button, firing Pip into space! The big screen slides down, showing Pip soaring up out of the atmosphere to the moon! The tiny pinto pony lands with a thud, throwing up a huge cloud of dust everywhere. Pip coughs a few times as the cloud disperses, revealing him once again. "Well, that was fun!" He chuckles, looking about. "I wonder if my favorite Princess is around!" "Hello Pip, what brings you to the moon today?" Luna steps into the scene. "We're doin' a show, Princess! I got ta be in the cannon!" He looks around, then bows his head. "But I don't know how ta get back." "Don't worry, Pip, I'll carry you back myself." Luna replies with a smile. "You will!?" He hops onto her back. "You're my favorite Princess twice!" The screen turns off, sliding back up into the ceiling. "Bleagh! Who let that sappiness get onto my show!?" Rainbow rolls her eyes. "On to the action! Now that we've gotten Darkened back up and at 'em, let's get on with the action!" Rainbow Dash trots over to a door, opening it and going in. She peers out seductively, eyeing the still bandaged Darkened Flame. "So mister, you ready to do a little 'tangling' with me in the box?" The battered OC's wings spring up as his eyes fix on the teasing Rainbow Dash, his legs sending him rushing after her! He pulls open the door and darts into the pitch black room. Rainbow, meanwhile, steps up onto the roof, stomping her hoof down on the box. The sides fall away, revealing it to be a barred cage with a sign hanging from it. Upon said sign, printed in big, bold letters, 'MANTICORE! DANGER! KEEP OUT!' Inside the cage, Darkened looks up in surprise at the massive beast. Upon spotting the trapped intruder, the massive lion headed creature roars, sending the unfortunate OC scrambling for the bars! "Help! Somepony help me!" He squeals, trying to squeeze between the heavy iron cage's gaps. "Sorry, but if you really want to impress me, you're gonna have to beat that manticore!" Rainbow answers with a laugh. Gulping back his fear, the pegasus rolls up a nonexistent sleeve, gritting his jaw as he turns to face the creature. Unluckily for him, the Manticore seems to have other ideas. It swipes it's paw, slapping him into and through the bars, breaking one in the process. Up he sails, soaring over your head and into the oldsters' box, where he slams right into Charlie the Unicorn! "Ow…" Charlie manages from under the pile of disheveled feathers. "I knew that chickens could fly," Geri Fore says, looking down at the mess, "but that was ridiculous!" "Dohohohohohoho!" The curtains sweep to a close, ending act two! * * * The curtain sweeps aside, revealing the library tree. Twilight is walking towards her door, unaware of a large, fluffy pink cloud seeping in through the balcony window, one that has a particularly Discord shaped face. "Hi, I'm a random cotton candy cloud, slipping into your home. If you have cut rate homeowner's insurance, it may not cover the damages of mayhem like me!" Twilight's horn flashes, opening her door. She barely has time to cry out as a wall of chocolate milk hits her, flooding out from the doorway, carrying countless books with her! She is swept halfway down the road to rest with her hind legs propped up in the air by Carousel Boutique, her books and scrolls floating on the now gooey chocolatey goodness drifting all about her! "You should get Allstable, and protect your home from chaos! Muhahahahahaha!" The cloud laughs as Twilight blows a drip of chocolate milk off of her mane. The cloud zips overhead, penetrating Rarity's upper window, still chuckling cheerfully as it breaks and enters. "Discord, you're cleaning this up!" She yells, glaring up at the hysterical weather phenomenon as the curtain falls again. * * * Spike steps out onto the stage around a large puddle of chocolate milk that somehow escaped the landscape beyond the stage. Pinkie Pie's tongue slowly slithers out from under the curtain behind him, growing to disproportionate size as it laps happily at the delicious mess. "Boy, what a show we've had today! Discord has really stepped up his game! Wouldn't you say, Charlie?" Everypony looks up at the box, where a tree dripping with noodles pours its odd precipitation over the hapless unicorn. "Oh yeah, it's been a scream. Can I go home now? I think my kidney is calling." Charlie answers irritably. "Not yet, we still have three segments to go!" Spike answers, eliciting a groan from the unhappy special guest. Unperturbed by Charlie's whining, Spike continued. "It's that time, everypony! Bluenose and Yellowbelly risked life and limb to bring us one of the rarest and most deadly sights in the world! Get ready for one wild ride!" The screen slowly extends down over the stage, it's display flashing to life as the theatre lights disappear… Who knows what they got this time… As the screen's images play, you hear strange, vaguely Pinkieish laughter, but something seems off. With growing dread, the audience holds their breath, awaiting the first signs of life upon the screen… * * * As the first signs of light appear, you can only see strange silhouettes in the wan, pale illumination. Long, sharp blades dangle next to cruel looking hooks and other items who's purpose can only be guessed at… All the while, eerie, haunting laughter echoes from all about you, as if the haunting scene is not a recording, but right there, surrounding you in the dark of the theatre… You realize the camera is shaking slightly, the usually chittering laughter is instead a nervous scraping echoing faintly. The cameral slowly turns a corner, peering into a room illuminated by a small yellow light. Everything within the room is dark, much as the silhouettes from earlier, save for the mare in the middle. Gagged and bound to a chair, Rarity squirms in the bonds, an odd cap clasped over her horn. She moans and cries around the towel in her mouth, yet seems to be thoroughly trapped. The haunting laughter grows closer, causing the camera to shift out of the light! For a moment, you catch the faint lines of Bluenose in the lens, only to lose sight of him a moment later as the camera once again focuses on the restrained unicorn. A pair of wide, soulless eyes glimmer in the darkness as the outline of Pinkie Pie appears behind Rarity, her usually bouncy hair hanging limp… "Raaarity…" Pinkie whispers in the fashionista's ear, eliciting a mumbled squeak from the frightened pony. "…you know what you did, don't you Rarity..?" Reaching slowly up, a pair of pink hooves undo the gag, letting it slide down Rarity's white neck… "Don't worry though, Pinkie Pie knows what to do with ponies like you…" "Pinkie..!? Please, I don't know what I did! Honest! We're friends, right..!? You're my fri- EEEEH!" The panicking Rarity tries to calm down the clearly psychotic pony, only to squeal in terror as a pair of scissors thrust past her eye! "Please Pinkie! Tell me what I did! I'll make it up to you, I promise!" "Do you Pinkie Promise?" The eerie voice asked, withdrawing the scissors. "Yes, yes of course! I would never break a Pinkie Promise!" Rarity whined in terror. "Lies!" Pinkie screams, her voice suddenly violent and wrathful! "You broke your Pinkie Promise! You lied to me about coming to my party last tuesday! Now you're going to pay, Rarity! You're going to pay dearly!" "I-I didn't mean it! I was… uh… busy! Yes… that's it! I was busy!" Rarity cries, pleading for Pinkie's forgiveness… "Oh no, not this time, Rarity! This time, you're gonna learn the price of your selfishness!" Pinkie steps slowly into the light, revealing a beautiful outfit that flows out radiantly, covered tastefully with tiny gems and made of the finest fabric. "Please don't… Wait, are you wearing the dress I made during your par-" Rarity paused, blinking in confusion. Suddenly her eyes widen in realization. "No! You wouldn't!" Pinkie, who no longer looks quite so insane, nods with a smile. She reaches up, pulling down a rope with a handle on the end. "This is the price for breaking your promise." "Please no! I worked so hard on that dress! It was for a special occasion- Aaaaahh! What are you doing!? Stop!" The fashionista watched in horror as the pink party pony pulled the handle. From the darkness above, thick, gooey brown cake batter starts falling in a constant drizzle, splattering on Pinkie Pie's nose. "No! Not my dress! Please Pinkie, do whatever you want to me! Anything but the dress!" Rarity cries in dismay as Pinkie walks into the stream of batter, letting it slowly coat the fine silken fabric. Smiling coyly, she rolls onto her side, twisting so that more cake mix seeps into every seam and crevice of the fine garment. She slowly licks up cake batter, enjoying the mess she's making all over the floor! Rarity squeals in helpless sorrow and rage as her friend proceeds to pull out the scissors, slowly snipping bits of the dress off and tasting them, suckling the gems in her mouth to cleanse them of cakey goodness. Then, she starts running her hooves up her own body, collecting cake batter and pieces of the slowly dissected garment, lapping at them tantalizingly as she revels in her sugar coated revenge! Finally, after several minutes, she pulls her tail up between her legs, and starts slurping cake batter out of it as well, a task that seems fruitless considering more is still pouring down on her head. Rarity has ceased yelling, and is now sobbing in the chair, powerless to aid her ruined finery. "There! Are you happy now!? You got what you wanted! My dress is ruined! Completely destroyed!" She cried dramatically, yelling at Pinkie Pie. "Let me free now! I want to mourn my lost creation!" Looking up from her messy tail, Pinkie grinned sadistically. "I didn't hear you apologize. Say you're sorry." "No! You ruined my work! You tied me up! I refuse to be sorry to you while you're behaving like an animal!" Rarity snarled, her mood aroused to fury. "Suit yourself!" Pinkie smiled, getting up from the massive puddle. "Oh, and I hope you like cake batter!" "Wait, what are you doing!?" Rarity demanded as Pinkie Pie starts nudging the chair towards the drizzling mix. "No, you can't!" "You didn't apologize." Pinkie replies with one last push. An ear piercing scream echoes through the eerie place as the changeling camera crew bursts out laughing! The camera bounces about as it recedes from the light, losing substance as the screen goes dark and the theatre lights come up. * * * Spike stares openmouthed at the screen, the microphone hanging limply in his claw. Twilight emerges from stage right, her horn flashing as she removes the audio device from her stunned assistant's grasp. "Well that was a wild one! We'd like to thank our camera crew for daring Sugarcube Corner in the middle of the night to get that footage! Consequently, Rarity will not be presenting herself for the fan mail segment." As the other girls emerge onto the stage, Applejack pulls out a letter, which promptly levitates up to Twilight. "Thank you, Applejack." "No prob, Twi." Applejack responds. "Ahem, today's letter is from Captain.Brony of Fimfiction.net, who asks us what our favorite video games are." Twilight says, then turns to her friends. "So who would like to answer first?" "I'll go!" Rainbow Dash answers quickly. "I'm a big fan of Left 4 Dead, and I've always liked Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2! They're so awesome!" Pinkie Pie starts bouncing up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! I like all kinds of games! Especially games about partying! My favorite game is Mario Party! Oh wait, no it's Portal! Oh! Oh! Halo! I like Halo! And Kirby! I love Kirby! And what about-" "Pinkie!" Twilight cuts off the rambling pony. "I think that's enough favorites." "Oh, okay Twilight! You're the boss! Well, actually he's the boss!" Pinkie points out of my computer and up at me, where I struggle to write the next line. "Okay… Now that we're done breaking walls-" Twilight is about to continue when Dr. Whooves pops up. "The term you're looking for is recursive reality." Twilight breathes out an irritated sigh. "Thank you, Doctor. Now who's next, before we suffer another interruption." "Ah always fancied Motorstorm! Ah mean, crashin' everythin' into each other like a buncha pigs in a mudpile was always great fun!" Applejack answered with a smile. "How 'bout you, Fluttershy?" "Umm… well, I kinda like playing Animal Crossing. It's nice and quiet, and nopony gets hurt." Fluttershy smiles, looking back to Twilight. "Well okay then, I suppose it's my turn. My favorite games are the Professor Layton puzzle games, though I do enjoy strategy games like the Total War series. It's always a lot of fun to match wits and brains against my friends online!" Twilight answers, looking back to all of you. "Well, I hope that answers your questions, Captain.Brony! Thank you!" The girls step from the stage, Twilight levitating the still stunned Spike along with her. * * * The curtains raise, revealing a news desk backed by dozens of monitors, displaying news reports, sports, weather, stock market information, and historical pieces. Over their heads, a large sign proclaims them the Cutie Mark News Network. Three little fillies sit at the desk, each with a serious face on. "Good day to everypony, I'm Sweetie Belle, and we're…" She pauses, to be joined by her friends a moment later. "THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NEWS CREW!" They all holler cheerfully, big smiles spread across their faces. "Today on CMNN, we want to address a serious issue in our schools, bullying." Scootaloo explains, shuffling papers importantly in front of her. "Bullyin' is a growin' issue in schools, where young 'uns are learnin' ta push others around like it's okay." Apple Bloom says. "For a while now, we've looked into cases of bullying, from schoolyard pushing to name calling on the bus. Just recently, a bus monitor was called lots of nasty things by kids. It got so bad, the poor lady started crying." Sweetie Belle says seriously. "We decided the best course of action was to compare the behavior of human kids to fillies and colts like us, to see what the differences are like." Scootaloo explains as she gestures up at the screen wall. A chart appears on one of the screens, showing a pony and a human outline in several different columns. "As you can see, the use of mean words, words way worse than stupid or hay, are used by lots of kids. I don't even think ponies have words like that." "Hurtful words 're not nice, an' can even make a person feel so bad, they maht hurt themselves! Ah wanna know why it's okay fer these kids ta say them." Apple Bloom stares sadly at you. "Our investigative reporter Featherweight," Sweetie Belle explains as the pegasus colt's scrawny image appears on another screen, "took an interview with some of the humans at schools where these kinds of problems happened. Here's what he learned from the interview." The screen with Featherweight becomes a darkened room, lighting up only the lower half of a man's body. Across from him, the skinny colt sits on a cushion. "So tell me, sir, why do kids get to be so mean with their words? Don't they know it hurts everypony?" "A lot of kids don't care. They learn it from TV, from friends, even from their parents, and imitate it willingly." The mysterious speaker explains. "What about punishment? Don't the kids get in trouble for this kind of behavior?" Featherweight asks. "There's little we in the school system can do. Even raising our voices is now unacceptable punishment, and physical force can only be used to stop students from hurting each other. It's sad, but the only real punishment we can offer is detention and suspension." The man shakes his head. "Oh wow. If I misbehaved in my class like that, Miss Cheerilee has a ruler… What about the parents? What are they doing to show their kids that their behavior is wrong?" "Anymore, it seems that some parents are either too busy or don't care enough to tend to their kids. We're living in a modern society where people have multiple jobs, and both parents work. Some of them were raised the same way too, so they end up passing on what they learned. It's a brutal cycle, one that won't end until someone starts punishing them for their behavior." The darkened figure says. Looking back at the camera, Featherweight shakes his head. "A truly interesting thought. Back to you girls." "Thank you, Featherweight." Sweetie Belle says with a smile, then looks out at you. "There's not a whole lot we as ponies can do to change your world, except for setting the example." Apple Bloom picks up the thought. "It's up ta you ta spread the magic of friendship an' harmony to everypony you know!" Scootaloo is leaning on the news desk with a smile. "Do either of you think Featherweight is kinda cute?" "Not right now, Scoot!" Sweetie Belle chides. "We're doing a report! … and don't you look at him that way!" "What way? Like this?" Scootaloo asks, half closing her eyes and smiling sweetly. "Yes that way! Stop it!" Sweetie Belle hisses irritably, showing off a bit of her big sister's example. "I'm an orphan, I do what I want!" Scootaloo replies. "Uh, ah think that's all fer today! See y'all nex' time on CMNN!" Apple Bloom waves as the other two girls jump down from behind the news desk and start pushing each other! The curtain sweeps to a close, the lights come up, and Twilight steps out onto the stage. "That's all for today's Pony Variety Show! We'd like to specially thank our writing staff for their contributions to this project. Our writing crew includes Lillyfoot15.deviantart, porcumoose.deviantart, FimFiction's Captain Literal, KartalTheWriter, Horns_n_halo, and tacotel! You all have done a wonderful job, and we want to say thank you for everything!" "Have a great day, everypony, and we hope to see you next time on the Pony Variety Show!" * * * The crowd shifts slowly, whispering and chattering about all of the craziness, the goofy antics, and the funny segments on the show. As you depart, you hear Charlie the Unicorn begging not to be sent back, followed by a burst of magical light. Glancing back, you see Twilight looking about in confusion. On the stage, there is a large burn ring that is smoldering from the center, as if something were just disintegrated there. The crowd forces you along, pushing until you find yourself in the foyer. Pip and Princess Luna are sitting at the comments booth, waiting to hear your feedback, take any fan mail you may have, and take suggestions for the next show! There is also a booth for Allstable Insurance, being watched by a zany looking, little purple pony wearing a propeller cap, who seems even more disoriented than Derpy. She grins and waves at you all, then starts slowly lowering down behind the table… After you share your thoughts, visit the booths, and say your goodbyes, you make it out into the parking lot… where cars are struggling vainly against chewing gum that's smeared over the entire surface. Maybe you want Allstable after all...