//------------------------------//
// 4: Mare Cannot Live on Secrets Alone 
// Story: Man Cannot Live On Coffee Alone 
// by PropMaster 
//------------------------------//

Two days later, I stepped off the train from Canterlot and onto the station platform of Ponyville. I was alone, which wasn't quite how I'd planned to take my first train ride out of Canterlot, but Rarity had sent a letter a day after we'd met at Joe's, letting me know she would meet me at the train station in Ponyville. Business had called her home, apparently.

Ponyville struck me immediately as a strange place, even more than Canterlot. Canterlot had cohesion in its planning, and ultimately it wasn't too terribly different from a modern city—some architectural choices aside. Even if it was a city built around a castle, I knew that there were places in Europe that were similar. Ponyville, however, was wholly different.

Thatched roofs, actual thatched roofs, blended with pavilions, tents, and vaguely Old-World European architecture. There were a few larger buildings with the more whimsical Pony architecture I was familiar with, but there was also bizarrely old-fashioned styles of building as well. Above everything, further enhancing the strange setting, was a crystal tree-castle. It was a piece of impossible architecture, obviously the work of some kind of magic. It was intensely bizarre, if beautiful. The town was busy, filled with ponies bustling about, all focused around open-air markets and stalls selling fruits, vegetables, and other wares. I could hear some banging in the distance, like the sound of fireworks, and the occasional rumble. Construction, maybe? Odd city planning aside, Ponyville seemed nice. Not quite the same speed as Canterlot, but it was a place I could certainly understand the appeal of. The air here was fresh, the buildings less crowded than Canterlot, and the ponies seemed more happy to walk than rush about like their city-dwelling kin. It was, frankly, the kind of town I'd spent a lot of my time in back on Earth. Little towns, full of bored people seeking a little rush or a quick escape. Somewhere that the people I worked for could sell their product with minimum of fuss or mess. I liked working in those towns, usually because a few nods and some carefully filled envelopes of cash kept the police away, and that meant downtime and fun.

I briefly reflected on how messed up it was that I liked this town because it reminded me of selling drugs easily, frowning to myself as I did so. I did my best to put that thought out of my mind, and I walked towards the town proper. As I rounded the side of the train station, I was bowled over by Rarity as she walked horn-first into my gut as I turned the corner. I grunted and staggered back, she yelped and recoiled, and we both stared at each other in surprise. She was wearing a big sun hat and cream sundress with black lace accents, and had a bag balanced on her back. I chuckled, rubbing my stomach where I'd been poked. "Well, hello to you, too!"

She blushed, lifting one hoof and checking that her mane hadn't been marred by the collision. "Jake! I'm terribly sorry, darling! Are you all right?"

I shrugged, "Sure, no harm done. And your mane is flawless, by the way."

Rarity lowered her hoof, smiling up at me. "You do know how to put a lady at ease."

"I try, anyway," I said, kneeling down and giving her a hug which she returned warmly. "Good to see you. I'm excited to be here!"

"Excited to have you, Jake! Here, put these on," Rarity said, offering me a bag. Inside was a hat, an honest-to-god cowboy hat, and a pair of sunglasses. I raised an eyebrow and glanced up at her, and she gestured to the sunny day overhead. "We're going to be outside a bit, and I wouldn't want you to get too hot."

I frowned. "I'm not much of a hat guy."

"You are, today!" Rarity insisted, giving me a look that said there would be no compromises.

I examined the stetson with an incredulous look, taking in the white material and the dark black hat band with a blue gemstone in the middle. Obviously a hat of  Rarity's own design. I plopped the stetson on my head with a sigh. The sunglasses were a welcome addition to my wardrobe, though. I'd worn them often in Mexico and South America; it was practically a necessity, considering in my line of work obfuscating your eyes and face in some manner was always prudent. It wouldn't do to get recognized by the wrong people at the wrong time. I smirked at Rarity and gave her a nod. "Do I meet the dress code?"

Rarity giggled. "Almost. Your hat is crooked." Her horn shimmered, and I felt the tingling touch of magic as she messed with my hat briefly. "There. Come along, then! I want to show you my boutique. The original boutique," she noted, casting a smile over her shoulder as she trotted ahead of me. I followed the unicorn as she trotted quickly through the streets.

Rarity took a bit of a circuitous route, down tight alleyways and around backyards, showing me a few interesting shops and houses, indulging my curiosity towards this strange town. "I'm pleased you find Ponyville intriguing, Jake. Typically, most ponies overlook it as a podunk town, but I feel like we're the heart of Equestria."

"More than Canterlot?" I asked, looking around with interest.

"I think so, anyway. Perhaps I'm biased, but Canterlot lacks some of the soul that Ponyville possesses. The best of everything Equestria has to offer is here; perhaps not the latest fashions or the finest foods, but the ponies here are... wholly unique and wonderful," Rarity said, her voice carrying an undertone of emotion.

"Mm. It's quite the hometown," I said, her own emotions making me feel a bit nostalgic.

Rarity nodded. "It really is," she said as we turned a corner and arrived in front of what had to be her boutique. The building was unmistakably decorated with her style and flair, lavender and pink colors displayed prominently along with a pony mannequin on a pole like a carousel ride. Rarity stopped as the building came into full view, and she raised one hoof dramatically, gesturing to the building. "And this, my friend, is Carousel Boutique. Where fashion is chic, unique, and  magnifiquè!"

I wondered how a carousel in Equestria would look. It struck me as a tad odd, and I knew that the curiosity would drive me to distraction if I didn't ask. "Okay, I have to ask. Carousels here in Equestria... do you ponies ride little ponies?"

Rarity laughed, giving me a playful shove. "Honestly! I show off my boutique, and that's the first thing that you say?"

"It's a lovely shop," I said, smiling at her as I took in the building.

Rarity raised an eyebrow and let out a fake huff of exasperation. "Well, I suppose that's a start. Come along, then! I'll show you inside."

As we approached the boutique there was a rumble in the distance, like thunder. I glanced up at the sky. "Huh. Summer thunderstorms roll in often?"

Rarity's face ran a quick gamut of emotions from surprise, to concern, and finally a dismissive frown and a shrug. "Ah, yes, sometimes. The pegasus ponies in charge often get... creative in their weather scheduling. Come on inside, I don't want to get wet. It will positively ruin my mane!"

I checked over my shoulder, looking for clouds, but saw nothing approaching. There were buildings in between me and the horizon, though, so I shrugged and followed Rarity through the front door of the Carousel Boutique, taking off my sunglasses and tucking them in the neck of my shirt. The interior was as expected: a slightly smaller version of her boutique in Canterlot. A few curtained dressing rooms, space for displaying dresses, and a little raised area in the middle that appeared to be a stage or raised fitting area, but it was surrounded by closed curtains. Everything inside was lavender and pink, and smelled like Rarity. I smiled, "Very nice."

Rarity smiled up at me. "It is rather quaint in comparison, but I still think of this place as my home. You may have to get used to the inconvenience of traveling by train if you want to keep up our usual dates for coffee and conversation," she said coyly, her smile becoming a slightly teasing smirk.

"A tragedy, to be sure," I said with a chuckle, pondering her statement as I spoke. She wasn't wrong; if this was where she called home, our visits would be punctuated by absences while she was away from Canterlot. I shrugged to myself and thought aloud, "It's not quite the speed I'm used to traveling, but the train is relaxing. An experience, not just transportation. I think I can manage," I said, nodding to myself as I walked absently towards the closed-off fitting area.

Rarity darted in front of me, a wide smile on her face as she reared on her hind legs to get as close to eye-to-eye as she could manage, one hoof reaching out for balance and resting on my chest. "You mean... you'd travel down here to spend time with me?"

I stopped, disarmed by her hopeful look. "Oh, uh, yeah. Of course. You're..." I hesitated briefly, trying to sort out my feelings suddenly, "...important to me, Rarity. You're the first real friend I've had since I came here. To be honest, you're the first real friend I've had in... years. The first person that's had genuine interest in me for who I am, and not just somebody that wants to use me in one way or another. The princesses have been kind, and Twilight is very nice, but you? You're special." I reached out a hand tentatively and rested my palm against her cheek. She looked briefly startled by the intimate gesture, but then a small smile crept across her face and her eyes closed as she nuzzled against my palm.

"I'm glad," Rarity said quietly.

"Me too," I replied, hoping she could tell how sincere my appreciation for her was.

The door behind us opened suddenly, and I turned to see a small purple dragon freeze in the entryway of Carousel Boutique. Its eyes widened a bit as it spotted me, "Hey, Rarity—?"

"Woah," I said, gawking at the little purple dragon as he stood in the doorway, a slightly hesitant air about him as he glanced between me and Rarity. I realized, suddenly, that this must be Spike. There could only be so many purple dragons in Ponyville that knew Rarity. "You must be Spike." I immediately recalled that Rarity had mentioned that Spike had a crush on her, and she and I had been awfully close a moment ago. This... was not the first impression I wanted to have with Princess Twilight's assistant. Wow, awkward. Spike was looking increasingly uncomfortable, his eyes darting between Rarity and I, and he started blushing.

Rarity trotted past me and scooped Spike into a friendly hug. "Spikey! So good of you to drop by, and such, ah, impeccable timing."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah..." He blinked, blushing slightly as Rarity hugged him, and then squirmed a bit. "I, uh, just wanted to drop by and let you know that Twilight's gonna be busy today, so you can't do that thing you were going to do," Spike said, his blush deepening, and he looked down at his feet.

"Oh, drat," Rarity said lightly, and shrugged. "Ah well, perhaps another time! Well, then, that puts a damper on your plans for meeting Twilight, doesn't it, Jake?"

I nodded, the hairs on the back of my neck prickling slightly. Something was weird, but I couldn't tell what. I decided to turn my attention to Spike, walking over and kneeling down to get on his level. "Hey. I'm Jake. I'm betting Twilight's mentioned me?"

"Y-yeah! A few times. Rarity's mentioned you, too..." Spike said, glancing up to meet my eyes before looking back down at his feet, one toe drawing little circles in the carpet, "Twilight said you were tall, but she didn't really say how much."

I smirked. "Yeah, sorry, I'm a little intimidating sometimes. But any friend of Rarity's is a friend of mine. It's nice to meet you, Spike." I offered him a hand, hoping handshakes were something dragons did.

He looked at my hand, and a quick grin crossed his features as he held out his own fingers, wiggling them. "Hey, you've got fingers! Twilight mentioned that, but I've been pretty much the only creature in Ponyville with fingers for... well, forever!"

I laughed, "Well, I promise, I'm not here to compromise your position as Ponyville's only finger-owning dragon. I'm going to live in Canterlot, still, but I think I'll come down here pretty often. I hope we see a lot of each other." I hoped he was smart enough to pick up a little of my meaning, here. I didn't want him jealous or feeling replaced.

Spike finally looked up at me, meeting my gaze solidly for the first time, and he smiled a more genuine smile. "Cool. Me too." He took my still outstretched hand and shook it firmly.

He'd obviously picked up on my meaning, judging by how he'd relaxed a bit. Smart kid. I briefly marveled at the scales and claws that came into contact with my soft palm. I was shaking hands with a honest-to-god dragon. I grinned, despite myself. "Cool."

I stood up, glancing over at Rarity, who wore a blissful expression as she beamed at the two of us. "Oh, you both are getting along so well! I'm so pleased!" Spike blushed again, his smile reaching adorably wide levels as Rarity praised us, and I smirked as Rarity spoke again. "Well, I've cleared most of my orders so I could show you around town, but what with the storm that is brewing, we might need to stay in for a bit."

I glanced out the windows, noting the sunlight streaming in, and frowned. "Are you sure that there's going to be some weather rolling in?"

Spike spoke up, "Yeah! Uh, as I was dropping by, I could see the weather team working on thunder clouds... out by the forest." He looked at Rarity with a nervous expression. "They were having a real rough time with those stormclouds. Might be a bit."

Rarity cleared her throat as the sound of rumbling punctuated Spike's statement, and I shrugged. "Well, I guess it's up to you, Rarity. What would you like to do?"

Rarity smiled coyly, "Well," she giggled, batting her eyelashes at me, "I think I need to change. It wouldn't do to be wearing a sundress and hat when we're going to be spending some time indoors, would it?"

I pointed to the silly cowboy hat on my head. "Does that mean I can take this off?"

Rarity held up a hoof. "No!" She stared at me for a moment, and then winked. "I rather like you with it on, darling! Leave it? For me?"

I rolled my eyes. "The things I do for you."

Rarity grinned, "That's a good boy. Now, If you'll excuse me!" She turned and dashed up the stairs, disappearing from view.

I shook my head, sighing. Spike walked around me, getting a better look at me while I was standing up. I could tell he was sizing me up, and I decided not to let it bother me. "So," I said, and allowed the word to hang, not quite sure what to make of this situation.

"So... you and Rarity?" Spike asked, his eyes narrowing a bit.

Oh. We were going there? "We're friends. And... interested in each other. It's sort of complicated."

"Rarity's a complicated mare," Spike said, crossing his little arms. "You like her, then?"

"I do, but... maybe not in the way she wants," I said a little lamely.

Spike raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Okay, I guess. So, she’s into you, but you’re not into her?”

I swallowed hard, “Yes, and no. I like her, but… well, she’s a pony. I’m not a pony. That makes it harder for me than it does for her. Probably because where I come from, the only horses that talked were on TV,” I reiterated quickly when I remembered that Television wasn’t a thing here, “or in plays or books. A fantasy. We didn’t have other species like us, who could talk and communicate like you and I can. Our animals aren’t smart… hell, most people aren’t smart either,” I said with a little laugh, trying to joke a bit around the serious topic we’d suddenly hit on.

Spike smirked a little bit at that. “So, you’re hung up on the fact that she’s a pony?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’s the long and short of it.”

Spike chuckled, “More like the big and little of it.”

I was totally startled by the sophisticated wordplay coming out of his mouth, and had to once again remind myself that Spike spent time around much more mature ponies, including the Princess of Books herself. I laughed, “Yeah, pretty much!” Something struck me, realizing that Spike was the first ‘outsider’ like me that I’d ever spoken to. I had to ask him about this. “Hey, you ever notice how Celestia calls everypony her ‘little ponies’?”

Spike’s eyes widened, and he started giggling, both hands covering his grinning face, “Oh my gosh! Nopony ever says anything about it, but it seems super condescending!”

Spike was obviously my kind of kid. We shared a laugh, the tension of the previous moment bleeding away. I grabbed a chair nearby, a plush seat for customers, and plopped myself down in it, and Spike hopped up on the adjacent ottoman. Rarity was taking a bit, but it wasn’t that terribly surprising; she was a high-maintenance kind of mare, which was part of what made her so… exciting. Intriguing. I gazed at the stairs, wondering what she was up to, and Spike laughed. I turned to look at him, interested. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” Spike said. When I gave him a questioning look, he blushed. “I, uh… it’s hard to explain, but I think I get why everypony always gives me these goofy looks and laughs at me when I’m around Rarity,” he managed to stammer out.

So, there it was. He was acknowledging that I was… a rival? I really wasn’t sure how to handle this. Some small, dirty part of me preened in the knowledge that I had Rarity’s affection and interest and he did not, but I pushed that down hard. “Yeah?” I asked. He had something on his chest, a bone to pick, and probably just shutting up and letting him get it out would be for the best.

“Yeah. I, uh… well, I know I’m Twilight’s assistant. And that’s cool. But… I spend a lot of time with Rarity. Or, uh, I used to. I help her out whenever she’s in Ponyville. She’s… important to me.” Spike looked up at me, obviously uncertain how to approach this.

“Rarity told me you have a crush on her,” I said, not really wanting to beat around the bush with this topic. He either hated my guts for ‘stealing’ her, or he didn’t, and the sooner we dealt with this, the better. Spike’s eyes widened a bit as a blush lit his face. I wondered, briefly, whether he’d actually blow steam out of his ears—what with being a fire-breathing dragon and all—but I pushed the curiosity aside. “So, you probably have something to say to me about that. I’d rather we do this now, so there isn’t any pretense, if that’s okay with you?”

“O-oh. Y-yeah, I, uh…” He was flustered by the direct approach I’d taken, but I stayed quiet, letting him gather his thoughts. Maybe he wanted to challenge me, maybe he’d be cool. He seemed conflicted, and I hoped he’d have something better to say to me than ‘You stole my girl!’. He didn’t seem like the type, but you never knew.

“Oh, just look at the two of you! Thick as thieves!” Rarity gasped from the bottom of the stairs. Spike froze up, and I turned and gave her a grin over my shoulder. Rarity was out of the sun dress, and wore a different, dark blue dress that was mostly sheer material and lace. Rarity trotted over, beaming at both of us. “Spike, I’m so glad that you’re here to talk with Jake. I’m very sorry that took such a long time, darlings!”

“No problem, Rarity,” I said, smiling as pointed to her nose where there was a bit of brown… powder? Dust? It was sort of hard to tell. “You went a little overboard on powdering your nose there. I always thought that wasn’t literal,” I said with a wink, “but what do I know about makeup?”

Rarity went crosseyed, noting the smudge on the tip of her nose, and she giggled nervously, reaching up with one hoof to wipe it away. “N-nothing, I’d imagine! Silly me. Thank you, Jake.”

Spike swallowed hard, his nervousness returning. “Jake and I were talking about how Princess Celestia calls everypony ‘her little ponies’ all the time. We both think it’s sort of weird.”

Rarity blinked, looking between the two of us, and then she laughed a genuine laugh, one that lacked some of the typical air of refinement she usually put on. “Oh! Goodness! Well, she is rather taller than most ponies, is she not?”

“Yeah, but the way she says it, it seems like it’s condescending,” I said, laughing at Rarity’s amusement.

“Jake!” Rarity said, laughing harder and giving me a shove with one hoof. “Honestly, Celestia doesn’t have a condescending bone in her regal body! How could you insinuate such a thing?”

I snorted, “I don’t know about that. You didn’t see how she handled those nobles at the tea party.” Thunder rumbled again in the distance, and we all quieted down to listen to it. I smirked, glancing out at the cloudless sky again. “Man, that rain storm is certainly taking its time.”

“I-indeed. Perhaps the weather ponies are moving it over the… fields? For watering?” Rarity said, her ears drooping slightly.

I squinted at her, looked pointedly out at the sunny day, and then back to her. “I’m not sure, would they want a big rainstorm on the middle of the day?”

Rarity giggled nervously, and suddenly turned towards the stairs. “Oh, dear, I think I left my curling iron on! I’ll be back in but a moment! Spike, do keep working your magic! It should be the last time I impose on you!”

Spike and I were quiet as we watched Rarity trot back upstairs. I shook my head. “Something weird is going on.”

“O-oh? I didn’t notice!” Spike chimed in, perhaps a touch too quickly.

I glanced over at him. He was acting even more flighty than earlier. “Something totally weird is up. You know anything about it?”

Spike blushed, squirming in his seat. “N-no.”

I frowned. “You don’t, huh?” I leaned in a little bit. “Why are you lying to me, Spike?”

Spike’s eyes widened, and he swallowed. “I, uh… it’s…” I leaned in a little bit closer, and he stammered out, “It’s a surprise!”

I blinked. “A surprise?”

Spike’s frills did a complex series of maneuvers that I couldn’t hope to comprehend, raising up, then down, then back up again, and he licked his lips, sweating a bit. “Y-yeah. I’m not supposed to say, but it’s a surprise.”

I leaned away from him, frowning. “Oh. Well, damn.”

“Y-yeah! Just, uh, sit tight, and you’ll see!” Spike said, blushing harder.

That wasn’t what was up, and I knew it, but I didn’t want to press too hard… not yet, anyway. I didn’t like liars, and I didn’t like surprises. There were weird things afoot, but I sighed. “A surprise, huh?”

“Yep!” Spike chuckled nervously, his eyes roaming around the room, anywhere but on me. He blurted out, suddenly, “So, have you kissed Rarity?”

I smirked, simultaneously impressed and a bit insulted that he’d try to throw me off the trail with such an obvious move. "Aren't you a little young to be asking me stuff like this?"

"I'm going to be this size for about ten more years before I start growing. I'm older than I look," Spike said, frowning at the implication I'd made.

"Right. Dragon..." I sighed, shaking my head. "Anyway, like I said, it's complicated. She's... she's a pony. I'm not. Sometimes it's easy to forget, but other times it's at the front of my mind. So it's—"

"Complicated," Spike said, rolling his eyes as he interrupted me. "Yeah. I get it." He straightened up, looking at me. He was nervous, I could tell, his little clawed hands clenching at his sides as he swallowed hard, mustering himself. "Rarity and I have been friends for a long time. I really... really care about her. So, I just... I want to say, if you hurt her, I... I don't know. I'll be mad!" Spike finished a bit lamely, frowning as he heard his own childish declaration.

I stared down at him, taking him in. Really assessing him, allowing the silence to stretch, maybe even letting him sweat a bit. If he wanted to play hard and shoot straight, I could do that. I was an expert at that. He was coming at me like so many others had, and in another life I would have laughed in his face and told him that if he was such a macho man, why was 'his girl' spending her time with me?

That wasn't me, though. Not anymore. So I leaned down a bit, getting eye level with him as I spoke. "Spike, I can't promise that I won't hurt Rarity." He bristled at that, and I held up a hand, continuing, "I'm not a perfect person, and I'm not even a very good one. Honestly, I'm a bad person." He looked even more worried, his eyes wide. "But I want to do better. I want to be better. For myself, first, but every day she gives me reasons to want to be better for her, too. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm sure that I'm going to screw up. And all I can do is hope that she forgives me, and gives me a chance to do better. I don't deserve any of the things she's given me, but she's given them freely, and I'd be crazy not to try and... give back."

Spike still looked tense. "You're... a bad person?"

"I was. I was very bad. But I'm doing better, and I have ponies like Twilight and the Princesses and Rarity to thank for that," I said. "But I'm not better. Not by a long shot. So... you're right to feel worried. I feel worried, too."

Spike stared at me, a million questions obviously churning in his head, and I waited to see what he settled on. He suddenly, bizarrely, chuckled a bit; a rueful sound coming from the little dragon. "You know, Rarity and the girls have a tendency to collect bad ponies. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're one of them."

"Oh?" That was news to me, and I could tell that Spike was regretting saying that. "What do you mean, 'collect bad ponies'?"

Spike swallowed hard, blushing. "I, uh, I mean... she... uh... likes bad boys! You know, her... and Twilight. They like the bad ones, yes sir!" He laughed weakly. "Sunglasses, leather jackets, greased manes. It, uh, really gets them going!"

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled. He was hiding stuff again. Not only was he hiding something, or even multiple somethings, but he was really awful at it. He wasn't a liar, not like me, and a liar knew a liar when he heard one. I bent down a little bit more, getting in his face. "Yeah? Bad boys?"

"Y-yeah. Y'know... bad," he said lamely, the frills on his head drooping a bit.

"Mm, I don't. Why don't you tell me more?" I asked, allowing a grin to spread across my face as I stared him down. It was a slow grin, one that promised more than a laugh behind it. I'd perfected it in my old life. I wondered if he'd ever been intimidated before, and I guessed by his growing nervousness that the answer was 'no'. Something was up, something was wrong, and Spike was going to tell me. The last time something like this had happened, we'd ended up in a firefight that nearly got me killed. Betrayal was dangerous. Lies were dangerous if they weren't mine.

"Um, I... need to go to the bathroom?" he said, eyes wide as his legs crossed in front of himself as he stared up at me.

I held the stare and the grin, "Yeah?" Talk. “Tell me.” I leaned in a little closer, adding the pressure, and I cracked my knuckles absentmindedly. “What’s going on.” He'd be so easy to break. Just a little more...

"P-please?" he said, his eyes starting to water, and when he squeezed them shut a tear dripped down his cheek. "Please?"

I froze up as I watched that tear drop down to the floor. Sudden nausea swept over me. What the fuck was I doing? I leaned away from him, my head suddenly spinning. What the fuck was I doing?! "Shit," I whispered to myself. Spike was frozen, his eyes welling with tears as he stared at me, his little body shaking slightly. I shook my head and croaked out, "Go."

He went, practically running towards a door nearby, a little choked gasp working out of him as he opened the door to the bathroom, flicked on a light, and then slammed it shut. I cursed under my breath again, panic rising in my chest as I stood up and walked to the door. “Spike?” I called, trying to bring my voice to a gentle place, and not sound as freaked out by my actions as I felt. He didn’t respond, but I could hear him in there, gasping and crying. I cursed again. “Spike,” I called into the door, “I’m sorry. You were lying to me, and I don’t like that, but I shouldn’t have been intimidating you like that, either.”

Spike hiccupped, and I could hear him get quieter. He was listening. “I told you, I’m a bad person. I mess up, and I just messed up with you. Really bad. You’re a good kid, and I don’t like it when people lie to me, because it’s gotten me… hurt… in the past. But you didn’t deserve that.”

“P-please, just go away,” Spike said, voice muffled through the door.

“Okay. I’m gonna go give you some space. I’m really sorry, though.” I said, and pointedly walked away, making some noise with my shoes so he knew I was actually walking away. I walked to the door of the boutique and pressed my forehead against the glass, rubbing at my eyes. Damn it…

I thought I had that part of myself under control. The first few months of my time in Canterlot had been spent unlearning all those old instincts, trying to normalize myself. Time with therapist ponies, time with the Princesses, trying to re-learn how to be… a person, and not whatever I’d become in my downward spiral at the end of my time as a criminal. Make myself safe, and not the raging asshole that I’d been. Nobody deserved to meet that part of me, least of all Spike. He was a kid, and I’d just put pressure on him that’d make most adults piss themselves. He practically had. He’d been lying to me, but about what? And Rarity wasn’t even back yet. She’d gone to turn off an iron! Why wasn’t she back? What was going on? I turned around and moved across the room to the door to the bathroom. “Spike?”

“Go away!” He called again.

“I’m going to go get Rarity, and she can sort this out, okay?” I hoped he’d understand. I didn’t want to embarrass him, but this wasn’t something I could fix alone. I needed help.

“N-no! You can’t!” Spike said, sounding frantic.

“I gotta, bud. You need somebody you trust, not… not me. Sorry,” I said, turning and heading for the stairs. I needed Rarity, and whatever surprise she was preparing was going to have to wait. I took the stairs two at a time, peering into the first door. A guest bedroom, with an open window. No Rarity. “Rarity?” I called out, following the stairs up and to another door.

I pushed the door open, revealing what had to be the master bedroom. A four-post bed, everything in lavenders and purples, a vanity mirror with tons of products and makeup, another door beyond to what must be another bathroom. I called tentatively, “Rarity?”

She didn’t answer. I swallowed and entered her bedroom. “I’m coming in. I need to talk with you, sorry to barge in,” I said, approaching the slightly open door. I knocked. “Rarity?”

Nothing. No answer, at all. I frowned, and pushed open the door a bit. A bathroom, and it was empty. “What the hell?” I muttered to myself.

“She’s not here,” came Spike’s voice from behind me.

I turned around, regarding him across the room. He stood in the doorway, his eyes red, and he rubbed at them, sniffling. “Spike, I—”

“She’s not here. She’s with Twilight and the girls. I’m sorry I lied to you, but she asked me to,” Spike said, his voice resigned and hoarse.

I frowned. Why was Rarity making Spike lie for her? “With who? I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

“She’s with Twilight, and the rest of her friends. There’s a monster outside of town, near the Everfree forest. She’s fighting it,” Spike said quietly.

I blinked. “What? That… that doesn’t make any sense.” Was he lying to me again? I stared at him, trying to pick up on something, some tell, but he was dead serious. “Fighting… a monster?”

“That’s what she does, Jake. She fights monsters and bad ponies,” Spike said, looking up at me and frowning.

“How can there be a—”I blinked, the pieces beginning to fall together. “Was that the thunder?”

Spike nodded. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of it. Rarity had Twilight enchant that hat she gave you. Something about the sounds… I guess it didn’t work quite perfectly?”

I reached up tentatively, and pulled the stupid cowboy hat off of my head. The shift was immediate. Roars, not thunder, filled the air. The crack of explosions, the sounds of panicking ponies echoing across town. I gaped at Spike, and looked down at the hat in shock. This… she’d tricked me? Lied? “Why?”

“She didn’t want you to worry about her,” Spike said.

What the fuck? There was some kind of monster, attacking Rarity’s hometown, and she was out fighting it? “Shit! I have to help.”

“You can’t! It’s dangerous!” Spike said, his fear of me and upset momentarily forgotten as I stormed towards the door, and he moved to block my way. “They don’t need help!”

“The hell they don’t,” I hissed, staring down at him as I tried to move to the side and get past him. “Get out of my way.”

“No, you’ll get hurt!” Spike said, shifting to block me again.

I laughed harshly, rolling my eyes. “Oh, Spike, buddy, if you think that’s going to make me stop and reconsider, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Spike grit his teeth. “You can’t go. They don’t need help, I promise!”

I reached down and physically picked Spike up. He was much heavier than I’d guessed he’d be, but it wasn’t that much of an issue. He winced, flinching away from me as I moved him to Rarity’s bed and dropped him unceremoniously on top of it. I spoke, hoping my tone conveyed the levels of don’t-give-a-fuck I was feeling. “I’m not going to let you stop me, so you stay here, because if you get in my way again, I’m going to roll over you. Got it?” I didn’t wait to hear what he said, turning on my heel and running down the stairs.

“Jake!” I heard him cry out, but I ignored him. Not only had he been lying to me, but he’d been lying about Rarity’s safety to me. Rarity made him lie, even. And she’d put that stupid hat on my head. That stupid, magic cowboy hat. I bet she’d even lied about it looking good on me. What else was she going to say? Of course it was fine, because she needed it to be fine, because otherwise her little ruse was sunk.

I was pissed. I threw open the door to the boutique and rushed into Ponyville proper, following the sound of roaring cries and explosions through the town. It wasn’t particularly hard to follow the sounds. A monster? And Rarity was fighting it? What the hell were the guards even for, if their fucking seamstresses and Book Princesses had to do their fighting for them? I idly cursed the fact that I’d let Celestia store my gun in the palace. I’d have to make do with… something. I’d improvise. Wouldn’t be the first time. I’d been in my fair share of brawls.

I rounded a corner as the buildings began to thin out, going past a group of spooked ponies that screamed as I approached and scattered into various buildings. Beyond was a big forest, and right in an open field, between the town and the forest, was… a fucking, goddamn, honest-to-god monster. I froze in place, my jaw dropping as I took in the scene.

A hydra—a massive, five-headed, motherfucking hydra—was stomping around, heads snapping and raging. Snakelike eyes, yellow and red, darting about, following a blue and rainbow blur that swirled around its heads in acrobatic maneuvers. Other heads tracked a bouncing, flouncing, candyfloss-pink pony that laughed as she narrowly avoided snapping jaws and drooling maws. Before the beast, Twilight Sparkle and Rarity stood, horns glowing with magic, and a yellow pegasus pony with a pink mane cowered behind them, wings folded and trembling as the beast roared. Twilight’s horn flared, and a burst of pink magic exploded near a hydra head, dazzling the creature with the bright light and concussive force. Next to Twilight, an orange earth pony with a blonde mane was preparing a lasso, her face set in a determined grimace as she shook out the rope with her mouth.

I needed a plan, and I needed one about thirty seconds ago. I looked around frantically for something to grab and use as a weapon. There was a nearby house, with a garden. I ran towards it, going around the side and spotting a little garden shed. I pulled open the shed door, revealing a shovel, a rake, and a watering can. I grabbed the shovel. “God, I miss America,” I said, pining for easy firearm access, and I ran back around the house towards the hydra.

I took a wide berth of the monster, rushing across the field to the side of the hydra, and then I swallowed the lump in my throat and started yelling. “Hey! HEY! Over here, you huge scaly bastard!”

Five snakelike heads snapped towards me, and six pony heads turned to regard me with surprise. I managed not to piss myself, and I waved the shovel. “Yeah, asshole, come on! Over here!”

“Jake, what are you doing?!” shouted Rarity.

“Saving your tiny pony hides!” Probably, I didn’t add.

“Dude, you’re pissing it off!” shouted the blue blur, which slowed down enough for me to make out a blue pegasus with a rainbow colored mane. Did she dye it? Not the time, brain!

“Great, that’s the plan!” I shouted back, pointing my shovel at the hydra as it turned its body to face me. “Yeah, we’re talking about you, snake eyes! You wanna pick on some ponies? Gonna have to pick on me, first!”

“Jake! We’re trying to calm it down!” Twilight shouted.

Oh. Well, shit. The hydra’s eyes narrowed, and two heads glanced at each other, as if seeking confirmation that I was, indeed, as stupid as I appeared to be. Pink, fleshy creature, armed with nothing but a shovel, and completely by itself? My plan sucked about as bad as getting eaten was going to, but at least I wouldn’t have to live down the humiliation. I gathered my nerves, glaring at the hydra across the field. “Well, come on, then, if you think you’re hard enough!”

The hydra charged, Rarity screamed, and I started running away from it, hoping to lead it away from Rarity and the other ponies. I glanced over my shoulder, trying to gauge the distance. It was fast, but not spectacularly so, and I could probably juke it if I was quick about changing my pace and turning quickly. Blue eyes suddenly blocked my view. “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Augh!” I almost tripped, but managed to recover, and kept my footing as the pink pony matched my pace, bouncing along merrily as if this was some kind of grand game. “Not the time for introductions!” I gasped out as the hydra started to gain on me.

“I think it’s always a great time for introductions!” the pink pony, Pinkie Pie, said with a giggle and an extra-bouncy bounce that put her in line with me. “I’m Pinkie Pie, and you should dodge left!”

I jumped left, just as one hydra head snapped closed right where I’d been. That was close. Pinkie Pie leapt after me, and I swore that she turned around briefly and booped the hydra head’s snout as she went past it. “And now we go right! Big jump!”

I dropped my shovel as I followed her right, tucking my head down and rolling like I’d done a million times, extending my roll out and leaping to my feet, maintaining momentum. I didn’t need to look back to feel the hot breath of another hydra head, or hear the snapping of teeth as it missed me by inches. “Holy shit!” I screamed, putting on a burst of speed as I juked left and then right again, following Pinkie Pie’s curly tail as she bounced around the hydra, laughing. “You’re insane!” I gasped.

Pinkie Pie looked over her shoulder with a hurt expression. “I’m just different!”

“Insane good! Not bad insane!” I shouted, hoping that I didn’t throw her off whatever game she was playing with the long odds of me not getting eaten in the next minute.

“Oh! Well then, thank you!” She said, beaming as she spun around, reaching out and grabbing me around the middle with both forelegs.

“Not the time for hugs!” I shouted as the hydra roared beside us.

“This isn’t a hug! It’s a rescue operation!” Pinkie shouted back, and she lifted me up off my feet and spun around, her strength way beyond anything I expected. She pirouetted, her back legs kicking off the ground, and she bounced a mighty bounce, pulling me along with her. Behind us, all five hydra heads smashed into the ground where we had just been standing.

Pinkie had gotten us out of the way, but now we were past the apex of her jump, and I was about to pancake her as I landed. I tucked my shoulder and grabbed Pinkie, changing her fall into another roll that got me on my feet with the pink pony in my arms. Pinkie blinked up at me and grinned. “Oh! My hero!”

“Not the time!” I said, running with Pinkie Pie towards Twilight, Rarity, and the other ponies with them.

“You’ve said that three times already! C’mon, we want creative dialogue!” Pinkie Pie said, giggling at my confused expression.

I really wanted to ask some questions, but I had bigger, five-headed things to worry about, so I dropped Pinkie Pie on her hooves. “Why aren’t we running?!” I asked as I arrived in line with the six mares.

“Well, we had a plan, but we’re reconsidering!” Twilight said.

I eyed the hydra as it turned about and came stomping towards all of us. “Keep running seems like a good plan?”

“I reckon not. We can still get this thing, y’all just stay back,” the orange earth pony said, grinning around the lasso rope in her teeth. She was wearing a brown stetson atop her blonde mane. A cowgirl pony?

I frowned, “No, I’m not going to let you g—”

“Jake! Stay here!” Rarity shouted at me, glaring. I’d never seen her so serious, and it gave me pause.

“Please, Jake, trust us!” Twilight said, turning to look at me with an equally serious look.

I nodded once, and they turned as one to face the oncoming Hydra. “Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted.

“On it!” the blue pegasus said, leaping into the sky and flying close circuits around the hydra’s head. The hydra roared, snapping at her, but she was always a few feet ahead of the beast, almost too fast to follow.

“Pinkie!”

“Wheee!” Pinkie Pie cheered, prancing back amongst the hydra’s snapping jaws, distracting it and confounding it further.

“Applejack!”

The cowgirl pony said nothing, simply grit her teeth, twirled her lasso, and threw it with expert aim. It looped around one of the hydra’s heads, settling on its neck. Applejack pulled the rope tight.

“Rarity!”

Rarity’s horn lit up, and she grabbed the end of the rope in her blue magic. As quick as I’d seen her work with any needle, she threaded the rope through and around the hydra’s other heads, roping them together like a misshapen garment that she pulled taught after a rapid series of maneuvers that brought all five heads crashing together.

Twilight didn’t call out another name, but her horn lit up, and the whole rope that was tied around the hydra glowed brightly with her violet magic, and I could see the rope become rigid and strong. The hydra’s heads were stuck, totally immobile.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight called, her teeth clenched and her wings flaring open with the exertion of holding the hydra still.

The little yellow pegasus with the pink mane stood up shakily from where she’d been cowering, and she timidly approached the hydra. I watched, wondering what she could possibly do. She floated up on delicate wings, getting in view of the hydra’s five heads. The yellow, slitted eyes regarded her with anger. The pegasus pony cleared her throat, and then she bellowed, “That’s enough out of you, mister!”

The hydra froze, all its eyes locked on her and wide with surprise. I’m certain I had a similar expression on my face. The yellow pegasus, Fluttershy, continued, her voice firm and steady. “I know that it’s hydra mating season, and you’re very upset that you’re alone, but that is no excuse to come rampaging into town and ruining everypony’s nice day! You need to go back to your bog and think about what you’ve done.”

The hydra’s five heads all nodded emphatically, as much as they were able to with the rope holding them still, and Fluttershy floated back down to the ground. She pointed one hoof towards the forest. “Shoo!”

Twilight’s horn flashed, and the rope uncoiled itself from the hydra. The hydra wasted no time, turning and rushing back into the forest, presumably to whatever horrific bog it had come from. I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor, and I stared at the six mares as they all breathed a sigh of relief.

Spike was right. They’d handled it. They’d totally handled it. Not only had they managed to subdue the hydra, but by how they’d done things, this wasn’t even the first time. They were… a team. A well-oiled machine of cooperation. Complimentary skills. They were partners. “... What the hell was all that?” I said, finally, turning to look at Rarity.

Rarity turned to look at me, shocked. “Jake! What were you thinking?! Running into danger like that?”

“You were the ones in danger!” I protested, even though I instantly knew that was an incorrect assessment of the situation.

“We certainly were in no such danger! Not enough to warrant that foolish display of misplaced chivalry!” Rarity countered immediately. “What are you even doing here?!”

“Spike told me that you were fighting a fucking monster, so I figured, I dunno, maybe I’d come and make sure you weren’t getting killed!” I said, my words dripping with sarcasm and exasperation.

“Language! Also, why in Equestria would Spike tell you something he knew would send you rushing off?! I told him—” Rarity began, but my spiteful laugh cut her short and made her eyes widen in surprise.

“Oh, Spike told me, all right. Maybe I had to lean on him a little bit, and he did his best, but you sent a child to do your dirty, lying work, Rarity. I’d be insulted, if it didn’t mean that we could have it all out in the open, now. Which brings me back to my original question of what the hell was all that? You fight monsters?!”

“Yes! We fight monsters!” Rarity said, gesturing back towards the forest. “We’ve fought dozens of monsters! It’s not really as big a deal as you’re making it out to be!”

I turned to look at Twilight, who was talking on the side with the four other mares. “Twilight, how long have you known Rarity fights monsters? When were you going to tell me about that one?!”

“This conversation is none of her business!” Rarity shouted, stomping one hoof. “This is between us, and I’d thank you not to bring my friends into this!”

“They’re all pretty much into this, Rarity. They’re all complicit. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? That you fight monsters with enough apparent regularity to have a whole team for fighting goddamn monsters?” I shouted back.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me!” Rarity said.

“So you thought it was a good idea to run back and forth between a huge fight and playing house with Spike and I?” I stated, throwing my hands out wide to try to encompass the enormity of how stupid of a plan that was.

Rarity scowled. “I didn’t want you to worry because I was afraid you’d react in just this manner! I am not a damsel that needs rescuing, Jake! I can take care of myself!”

“Great, I’m glad, but while you’re out here taking care of yourself, you left me back at the boutique with Spike, who was lying to me about all kinds of bizarre things. I got him to tell me, though, and that’s a whole other fucking story that you’re gonna have to deal with. You collect ‘bad ponies’? You fight monsters? Who the hell are you, Rarity?”

Rarity’s ears went flat, and she flashed a concerned glance towards the town. “That’s something to discuss later. Where is Spike?”

“Back at the boutique,” I said, gesturing over my shoulder. “Don’t worry, though, because you left him to lie to me, I only had to traumatize him a little bit to get him to tell me what was going on. So, feeling heroic now? Because I sure feel like a huge piece of shit.” I spat, glaring down at her.

Twilight gasped, and then took off at a run towards the boutique, Applejack and Fluttershy following her. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shared a concerned look but stayed where they were, watching me. Rarity stared up at me, eyes narrowing. “You should go.”

“Gladly,” I said, turning away and walking towards the middle of the field. I picked up the shovel from where I’d dropped it, stomped back to the shed where I’d stolen it from, and tossed it unceremoniously inside. I didn’t need ‘theft’ topping off the shit sandwich this day had turned into.

Pinkie Pie appeared next to me, trotting along and staring up at me with concerned blue eyes. “Hey, wait!”

“Not the time,” I muttered, walking towards the train station.

“Boy, that must be your new catchphrase!” Pinkie Pie said, smiling. When I didn’t react, she looked even more concerned. “Jake! Please?”

Despite my inner voices telling me to tell her to fuck off, I continued towards the train station. “You’ve got until I get a ticket on the next train out to talk to me.”

Pinkie Pie kept talking as I walked. “I know you’re super duper mad at Rarity right now, but I promise, she only wanted to keep you safe! She told us about how you lived a really hard life, and she didn’t want to turn over the new leaf you’d turned over when you came here!”

“Lying isn’t the answer,” I said.

“You’re right! It isn’t, and I know she’s mad right now, and you’re mad right now, but… she’s sorry. I know she is!” Pinkie Pie said, staring up at me emphatically.

“Sorry doesn’t fix things,” I replied, glancing over my shoulder towards the boutique. “You should go. Spike is going to need cheering up or something. You’re friends with him, right?”

“Yeah, but, I’m friends with you, too!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing to emphasize her point.

“Are we friends? I’m pretty sure we just met,” I said, not caring if I sounded rude.

“So? We also totally fought a hydra together, and I saved your cutie patootie at least three times, and you were totally great at making sure I didn’t hurt my cutie patootie saving your patootie! That’s three whole patooties we have in common!”

I stopped, staring at Pinkie Pie for a second. “... Sure. You’re insane.”

“Insane good?” Pinkie said, grinning at me knowingly.

“Nope,” I stated calmly, and brushed past her. I wasn’t in the mood for friends or bizarre ponies at the moment. I honestly wanted to go home to Canterlot, lie down in bed, and not get up. I was exhausted, in more than one way. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Totally drained.

“I-im just different!” Pinkie said, pouting as she watched me walk away.

“Sure thing,” I muttered, and I walked up to the ticket counter. “One for Canterlot, please. Earliest train out.”