...I don’t remember much about what happened after I was pulled into the planet's magical field...
I had only a vague sense of my surroundings as I was floating in an aether.
What passed for my “mind” was made entirely of pieces I’d drawn together without a chance to really organize them.
As I had no frame of reference, and time was otherwise without meaning to me, I couldn’t know how long I was there, nor would I have been able to care.
At some point, in this state of mindless consciousness, I registered a sudden presence: a will acting upon me from outside... Something pulled me out of that whirlpool of energy, isolating my form, placing me into some sort of container, and... studying me?
I couldn’t really comprehend what was going on at first, only that I’d found myself in a stable environment, and I had just enough cognition left to know that I should start weaving my spellform back together while I had the chance. I found that most of my pieces had held together, and that, from them, I could rebuild my consciousness to the point where I could actually comprehend my situation. I figured out later that it wasn’t until the third day after my observer had found me that I’d started to become aware of my surroundings. I quickly discovered that I couldn’t seem to move any force through the walls of whatever cylindrical container I’d been placed in, only sense concepts, and later, use sight and hearing to observe my observers. That wasn’t a problem though.
The isolation chamber was safety to me: as a drifting mind without a body, I was vulnerable to external forces, which would have degraded me until I dissipated into nothing were I not sheltered from them. Whatever civilization I’d come across though had apparently advanced magical technology to the point that they could isolate me in something akin to a vacuum chamber. Some amount of ambient energy could still permeate the walls of it, but nothing that would threaten a spellform under observation.
By the fourth day, I’d managed to copy traits from the lifeform which was in the room most often, my observer. I was now able to see and hear her and her assistant... A part of me registered them as “adorable”, while another part registered them as the only thing standing between me and destruction. I had to communicate with them somehow, lest they misunderstand my situation...
My first thought was to communicate through motions, but I found that I lacked the necessary concepts to formulate much more than head-tilting. In response to my movements, however, my observer began to make deliberate sounds, directing them at me. I realized that she was attempting to communicate with me through these vocalizations, but I had no concept of language, so I didn't know what the noises she made were supposed be. I realized that mathematics were universal, and would communicate my intelligence, but I was once again, unable to communicate them in a way which my observer could understand: simply passing raw numbers as sound made a noise which my observer seemed to find distressing, which was counter productive to my interests.
I had to solve this tactically.
It was clear that I was missing some crucial tool to interface with the conscious beings outside the walls. I began to search through the various concepts which were pooling outside my chamber. At some point, I even tried to directly phase some part of my form through the wall, but this was met with little success. Eventually, I found a manifestation of the concept of their language, part of which had solidified in the conceptual plane after my observer had attempted to communicate it to me. Through an extension of the process with which I’d copied her form, I figured out how to incorporate that into the rest of my mind, giving myself some sort of interface for interacting with them.
I’d been experimenting with the concept when my observer reentered the room, and I decided that this was the best opportunity to test my new ability: I’d learned a name, and I knew that if I said that name, she would instantly understand my intent to establish communication.
I reached out with all my will, desperate for this to work...
“Twilight Sparkle.”
She just stared at me for a moment, as if it was shocking that I had formed words after I’d pretty much vomited the Fibonacci Sequence on her the previous day. (In hindsight though, trying to put information like that into sound when I didn’t have a concept of words to work from might not have been the best strategy.)
Finally she opened her mouth and responded, “You can talk?!”
“I have acquired this ability, yes.”
“So... You're self aware then? Like, a sapient being?”
“Affirmative. I am a conscious individual observing my surroundings.”
“So.. how long have you been aware of this?”
“I have been a sapient creature for many years, but I lost my complete awareness some time ago and am only now regaining it.”
“This is amazing! I have so many questions!”
“...You may ask as many as you wish, Twilight Sparkle, but I cannot promise you answers at this time...”
“Ok... Oh, where to begin? Um... I know!” Twilight had picked up her notepad and stared at me eagerly, ready to take notes, “What are you?”
“Energy... Thought... Form... I do not believe I am anything.” At this point, I was still piecing together and analyzing what was left of Marilyn’s mind: I didn’t know who I’d been or where I’d come from. “I am aware that this is not my original form, and that something happened to put me in this state.”
“Oh... Well... Do you have a name then?”
“Yes.”
Twilight paused, as if expecting more of a response than that. She added slowly, “Ok... well, what is it?”
That was a very good question! ...What was my name again? I gave her the straightforward answer, ”Memory is... clouded... much of it lost... I do not know.”
“Oh... I’m sorry. Is... is there something I should call you then?”
I paused... Nothing came to mind, and I knew whatever name I told her might be used as a descriptor for me for quite some time... “...I will think about this.”
“Well,” she grasped, “are you male or female?”
What an odd question. I looked back into the code of my base form, “I do not believe I possess any sexual traits. however, I believe I was female when I last had form, like yourself, and I suppose I still identify as such.”
“Ok... So... how do you work? Are you just made of pure magic? Where did you even come from?” I had the faint notion that she was starting to get agitated in some way, but I couldn’t really empathize, being a near-emotionless blob and all.
At least she was on a good track though. “This, I can perhaps answer. I was once an organic being, a user of magic, like you. I was changed when... Something happened... An accident? An attack? I lost my physical form, and was shunted to your world by... some spell... I do not know why this has happened. I do not know what exactly I would be considered. I may simply be a spellform sustaining the consciousness and mind of its caster... Though, if this is the case, I am a very complicated spellform indeed... I will have to study my own workings in order to tell you more.”
“I see... So you don’t know anything else?”
“Not at this time: my memories are woven into the structural mechanisms you see around me. I have not yet had time to rebuild myself. If you give me time, I will be able to analyze my situation with more data, and then I will tell you what I have learned...”
“Well... That’s promising... I guess.” I could feel her giving up from across the room. I suppose she had thought that actually communicating with me would give her some concrete answers, but unfortunately, I was not yet capable of knowing them.
Something in me stirred. Was this...? “I am... I believe I am feeling ‘sympathy’ for your situation. I apologize that I cannot help you further your understanding of this situation at this time.”
She gave me a little smile, though it didn’t seem real for some reason, “Oh, it’s ok! I understand, you’ve been through a lot. Science... isn’t the most important thing here...”
“I suppose this is true, but Science is, nevertheless, an important goal. I believe we have mutual understanding of this, as we are both scientists... If there is any way I can assist you, please inform me.”
She perked up a little at that, for real this time, “Oh. Would you be comfortable if I ran a few more tests then?”
“Yes. I would very much like for you to run some tests!” I reconsidered for a moment, “As long as they are not intrusive: I do not know how stable my form is at this point. I would like to see your results though.”
Twilight nodded, “Alright then, I’ll just start with some harmless readings...” I felt her reach out with her power, projecting her will towards the machines about the room, along with a carrot from a box on the desk. I could see the magical energy she was projecting to make the objects move. I had realized in my earlier observations that the creature which was studying me was an impressive mage: she had a large supply of power, and was clearly very knowledgeable, but her Will... the previous day when I had pressed my will against hers as an attempt to communicate, I’d felt like a feather brushing against a brick wall. Granted, she’d stepped away at that, so perhaps she underestimates herself... I made a mental note to talk to her about it when this was all over.
*crunch* “Yer shpellwork is increderbly complex...” she said idly, munching a carrot right next to the glass wall between us... Her machines were all running, and she was taking the time to look over me herself again, but this time she wrote on the notepad much slower than I’d seen her do so before, as if her rudimentary sketches mattered less and less.
“I am sustaining a full consciousness, capable of independent thought and spellcasting. As I’ve implied, I hypothesize that I am actually a sapient being somehow made into a conceptual form. A meta-entity, if you will.” I responded, idly watching her work, “Such a structure would have to be incredibly complex, simply because of how complex a mind is... The subject is fascinating, and I look forward to further study.”
She nodded thoughtfully, stepping away to examine the papers coming out of her machines. She took another bite of her carrot, chewed, and swallowed before commenting again, “Huh... Now that you’ve stabilized, I can see you have a remarkable amount of raw energy... You might actually be storing more than any unicorn on the planet, though, nowhere near as much as a princess...”
“This would make sense, seeing as I am right now not much more than energy made form: I suppose I require this raw energy to keep myself alive...”
“I see... So... You seem to have an advanced understanding of magic...”
“Yes. This is what has allowed me to survive in this state.”
“Ok... Do you remember where you learned this?”
“In college.”
“Ah, so you studied Magic!”
“No. I studied...” what did I study? It's like I should know but I couldn't connect the words... “I do not believe your language has a word for what I studied.”
“Oh... And you don't remember the details of that?”
I dug a bit deeper. Nothing. “...Your language does not seem to have the necessary words. It may have been a technology that you have not yet discovered. I hypothesize that such a technological disparity is due to your formalized understanding of magic, which my world does not have.”
She sighed, “Well that just brings up more questions... Do you know who taught you magic?”
“A secretive group.”
“Ok... Can you tell me about them?”
“...I do not remember at this time.” Part of me felt like I should feel bad about that, but my mind was too underdeveloped to be capable of sentimentality at that point, and I had no reason to be sad for people I did not remember.
“So... What do you remember about your life?”
“... I do not know. I have not had time to understand. Once I became aware of your presence, establishing communication was my primary objective. I have not yet fully analyzed nor Incorporated much of my being. I am, in a sense, a fraction of what I should be.”
“Wow... Ok... So... I guess I should wait until you've done that?”
“This would allow me to give you more satisfying answers. Yes.”
“Ok. In the meantime, I guess I should just keep running tests?”
“Yes. This would be helpful.”
Twilight spent quite some time running tests with me, analyzing the nature and stability of my being. At some point, we moved beyond mechanics to exercises, where she’d ask if I could do something and I would try it. I found that I had the ability to take concepts, such as colors and shapes, and directly manifest them as part of my being. This made sense, as I myself was a being of pure concept. As this dragged on, our conversations meandered, away from talking about my situation and towards discussion of science and philosophy. I realized that this culture I’d been discovered by did not have the same level of mathematics and physics I was familiar with, but had far greater understanding of metaphysics and thaumaturgy. It would’ve been fascinating, if I could remember more, and from this, I actually felt a pang of sadness... I wanted to tell her about my world, and to learn more about hers, but I just wasn’t able to.
Eventually, Twilight had exhausted her lines of exploration, and we’d run thin on topics to discuss. She looked up at the clock. “Well... It's pretty late... I should be getting to bed soon...”
“Yes. That would be a good course of action.”
She looked at me with a bit of concern, “You're ok with being alone? I can stay if you're lonely... I mean, I understand if this is a little scary for you...”
“Fear is... Minor... Perhaps I lack the necessary point of reference to experience discomfort at the unusual nature of my situation. I am not worried by the prospect of being alone.”
“Still... If there is anything I can do to make you more comfortable...”
I... think I actually managed to smile at this point, “There is comfort in the notion that you are here and wish to help. Your presence has provided me with a sense of security.”
Twilight blushed a little, “oh! Well... I'm glad I make you feel safe. I... I'll keep trying to help you get yourself back together... I guess I'll... See you tomorrow morning?”
“I do not believe I am capable of leaving this containment. I shall spend the time in which you are sleeping by attempting to rebuild my form in the safe environment it provides me.”
“Um... Right! Well... Goodnight then.”
“Goodnight, Twilight Sparkle. Thank you for your assistance.”
She blushed again, “Oh... It's no problem... All in the name of science, right?”
“Yes. For science.”
Twilight smiled a little as she left, and I moved on to the next task at hand: rebuilding what was left of... well... me...
I set to work on picking apart what I'd put together haphazardly before, and trying to piece it back to more effectively.
Being in the container helped with this. It was a solid barrier against magical forces, so that my pieces wouldn't float away, and the ambient energy of the world wouldn't disrupt me.
Now that I knew how to create a physical form around myself, remaking one would be easy. I dissolved the body I’d created, allowing myself to drift apart into a cloud, taking up the whole mass of the cylindrical container, separating my components to the point where I could work on them easily. I started to lay out the active components in an organized shape, figuring out each one.
The first thing to work on was untangling the parts of my mind which were active in this process. This was something I'd been working on, but every time was a risky, uncomfortable process: think of it as doing surgery on your own brain, except your brain is made of moving parts which could crash into each other. If I messed up, I might be back to rebuilding my own consciousness.
If I'd been thinking straight before she left, I’d’ve asked Twilight for help. At the time though, I was barely able to hold a conversation with her, let alone think to ask for assistance. Even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to explain what I was doing to her... Hell, I barely understood what I was doing. Such is the way of the scientific frontier though.
If you still have a body, I should probably apologize for how confusing this all probably is for you: I really don’t have a frame of reference to what it’s like to have one anymore. I mean, have you ever looked at your own mind, and seen the very thoughts you were thinking as you thought them? Let me tell you, it is a rather unique experience, and one which quickly became second nature to me in that infant state where I had developed too little understanding of things to realize the strangeness of it all. I vaguely remembered the brain surgery experiments which had been done on my homeworld, where electrodes were used to stimulate the neurons of conscious patients to see what they thought: that whole process was essential to not accidentally lobotomizing someone during a routine biopsy. Considering how hard it had been to recover from my last “lobotomy”, I decided to study this as much as I could before tampering with it.
I started with a set of simple thoughts, numbers, noises, words, and moved on to concepts, observing each as it went along the pathway. I found that I was not confused by the speed at which they traveled, even though it had to have been near the speed of light. It was as if the temporal constraints of my mind had been removed, and time merely existed as a measurement of relative location in a single dimension.
That settled, I started to piece together the remaining frayed ends. I’d felt some emotions while talking to Twilight, and this had given me some perspective on what was what. I started to connect back my more complex emotions in the locations and patterns they belonged in, there was happiness and sadness, connected into sentimentality over lost memories. There were fear and anger, pretty close to each other, as they’re both defense mechanisms. I linked them into my sense of self, where they belonged, connecting the fina-
I DON’T HAVE A BODY. HOLY SHIT. WHERE IS MY BODY!?!
I went into full panic mode the second I reconnected human instincts, turning into a screaming, roiling mass of clouds. I was lucky Twilight's jar-thing contained me, because I don’t know if I could keep my pieces together while twisting around myself like this.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT DO I DO? MY BODY IS GONE!!
Shut... the fuck... up!
I felt my form go still, the structure which felt the emotion split into several pieces in my grip, after I’d violently wrenched it back out of place.
Ok, new observation: “Existential Dread” was clearly not something I would benefit from at this point, as I was already non-existential on some level, and that wasn’t changing any time soon. I set it aside at the far end of things so I’d be able to empathize with it later, but never actually had to deal with it. I marked down that as a problem for future me...
I went to reconnect the other emotions, but something in the back of my mind stopped me... I didn’t have to connect it. In fact, I no longer had to be burdened with direct emotion at all. Fear? That thing which prevents us from trying because we may fail? That was right there. I was literally looking at my sense of fear as it tried to tell me that doing this procedure on myself was unsafe. With a flick, it was completely disconnected, screaming it's distracting worries at nothing. With another flick, it was fully connected again, and I once again felt the desire to shudder with worry at what I was doing. I didn’t, of course, because clouds don’t have reflexes and I didn’t bother to make one because, well, I was doing surgery on my own fucking brain.
I remembered reading several informed sources explaining to me that emotions are derived from a set of instincts, meant to give the brain a fast response in a drastic situation. Fear prevents us from harming ourselves, happiness is a reward response, anger is a defense mechanism. When attempting to use higher level cognition, to practice rationality and scientific thought, however, they get in the way. On top of that, they can play into these things called cognitive biases, which are when the instincts inherited from lower-order animals actually prevent the mind from understanding reality as it is. The most problematic example of this is when people gain new information, but reject it as a defense for their preconceived notions, even if those notions have no evidence, and have an emotional response because of that.
...Yeah, I could really live without those right about now.
I started to build a new structure, which would allow me to directly bypass my emotions when thinking of things, making them a more supplemental process, rather than a gatekeeper. When one is not burdened by their emotions, they can act with purpose. There are many philosophies which talk about this, though your average westerner misunderstands them: you’re not suppressing or removing emotions, you’re simply not allowing them to control you, because, and this is essential for people to understand, feelings are not intelligent, they are instinctual. Considering how badly I’d reacted to panic earlier, giving into them could actually be dangerous to a being being held together by sheer force of will like I was. The new structure I had would allow me to acknowledge and understand them reflexively, but prevent them from ever being more than another form of sensory input. Sure, I could always let sadness out to play later and have a good cry over the fact that I’d probably lost everything in the life I could barely remember. Or not. Crying solves nothing if you can ignore sadness indefintely. Right now, the past was the past, and I had to deal with what was going on in the present.
Besides, crying is an anatomical response, and I have no anatomy, so why bother.
So yeah, when you have the ability to restructure your entire personality from near-screatch, and you don’t have any of those pesky inhibitions in place making you worry about your precious “humanity”, you can use that opportunity to take pretty much all the things that don’t directly relate to imposing your will on the universe and stick ‘em in the back where they belong.
Anyway, with my personality fully intact and understood, it was time to delve into those memories Twilight had been so curious about. I started arranging them on one side of the tank and setting my perception and analysis on the other side, letting me shuffle through them like pages in a book.
Unfortunately, as I quickly remembered, that’s not actually how memories work.
Many people think of memories as little videos that get saved in the back of your head, stored as an individual moment to be played back to you at a later date. Anyone who’s ever tried to recreate a set of memories from a long time ago quickly realizes that that’s not the case.
Memories, like most parts of the mind, are actually formed relationally, as a series of patterns which make reference to each other. For example, you may remember things from your childhood home, and have emotions connected to those memories, perhaps individual senses like smells or the perception of shapes. In reality, all of those are arranged as patterns in your neurons. The layout of your childhood home? A series of things you learned a long time ago pieced together with your understanding of how physical spaces operate. Memories of things that happened there? All utilize not only that same layout, but also other genericized concepts you learned a long time ago and have been using and updating repeatedly ever since: the kitchen table you remember may not have even been yours, but some derivative of the ones you’ve seen after it.
So the memories that I had were not only out of order, but they tried to make references that I didn’t know, and possibly didn’t even have access to. Think of it like a 10,000 piece puzzle, where the image is some insanely complicated diagram, pieces can be connected in incorrect ways, and you’re actually missing most of the pieces, so good fucking luck trying to figure out what the diagram actually says.
This is one of the points where being an emotionless entity of pure will with a very relative concept of time becomes useful: I ignored my sense of despair and moved straight onto the task at hand... the long, tedious task of piecing these things together through trial and error. No, I was not happy when my friend died in front of me... Not sure what monster killed him, oh wait, here it is, Deep Ones. Hmm, they sure do love tentacles... Yes emotional center, it is scary to know those exist. Moving on to helpful things... Oh neat, a list of names of authors I'd learned from. I sure bet knowing names like Plato, Aleister Crowley, Elizer Yudkowsky, Anton LaVey, and Friedrich Nietzsche would come in handy on another planet. At least I know who the guy with the golden parymid on his head is. Yes emotions, very cringe. Now... There's college with the advanced math and the degree in the thing that doesn't exist in this world...
...wait... Does it? I was looking at the concepts I'd learned for programming advanced math equations into machines, and it was sparking some knowledge of...
I flipped quickly through the other memories... There was the Deep One again. Why had I found that? Who were these people? What were we loo- MIDNIGHT SOCIETY, COMPUTER SCIENCE, ETHERIC WORLD, ASTRAL TRAVEL, THE DRAGON KNIGHT, DREAM WALKING, SYSTEMS THINKING, INCEPTION, CONCEPT MANIFESTATION, THEORY OF MIND, HARRY POTTER, THEORY OF POWER, SHADARAK, HIS DARK MATERIALS, SAMASARA, THE HOLY TRINITY, CHURCH OF SATAN, THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR, OBJECT PERMENANCE, VAMPIRES, HUNTERS, ACCOUNTANTS, WEREWOLVES, THE FBI, GHOSTS AND SPIRITS, THE EXARCHS, THE REPTILIANS WHO CONTROL THE WORLD GOVERNMENT, THE GOD MACHINE, THE ABYSS.
...Ok...
...That's a lot of information...
Now that I'd managed to find and process a thread which gave a solid idea of what my adult life looked like, it wasn't too hard to piece the rest of it back together. I made sure to keep the stuff about magic near the top, because that was what I was going to need, and let the stuff about the life of this girl whose name I couldn't remember fall to the bottom: whoever she was was likely gone for good, and who I was would rise from her corpse.
Enlightened by my own intelligence, as a fedora wearing jackass would say, I looked back at my own spellform. Things made a lot more sense when you were running at full capacity and actually KNOW how these structures are made and arranged.
It was fascinating, not only seeing what had come together when I'd been desperately trying to regain consciousness, but what that first spell had done with my original mind. I'd never seen a mage actually work something like this, but something told me this wasn't a result of direct spellcraft. It was like something had melted my physical form down and made me into my base concepts, conserving everything but my body as a pure idea. What came out wasn't simply a construction of the spell, but a constant of the universe: I'd somehow become my own platonic form, and now I was dicking around with it like it was made of legos. No, this wasn't structured magic, it was too organic. There was so much information to process here... So much I could speculate... If only I had a notepad, like Twilight's...
...could I conjure one? I knew what it looked like... If I focused my will on it...
A notepad materialized in the jar with me. Yes! I lifted it in my aura and... Wat.
Upon further examination, I'd created something which had the appearance of a notepad, but did not actually have the physical function of one: there were no actual pages, just what looked like them, and I’m pretty sure it had the consistency of rubber. Apparently manifesting items in reality isn't as simple as willing them into existence.
Go figure.
It was a simple matter to absorb the matter of my fake notepad back into my own energy just as easily as I created it, matter and energy being interchangeable and all. Useful to know, I'd have to explore the applications of that later. I could probably do it to physical objects I hadn’t made...
In any case, the memories and personality being mostly handled for now, I moved onto matters of presentation. I could now make a voice close to what I believed my original to sound like, and I now had a more detailed personally behind it. All that really stood to be changed was the form itself.
I didn't want to simply mimic the look of Twilight, so I began to experiment with other variations on that form. I started with my shape. Twilight's was a good base: a form with many structures for running energy along... Perhaps this could be improved?
I altered my horn to have a better surface area, giving it a bit of a curve to help direct magical energies. I did a similar process with my wings, straightening the feathers into spears, creating a sort of dish out of them for whatever casting I might do from them. My bones were also part of this: I gave them a slightly more bowed shape too. I realized that I could take this a step further, and started rearranging the actual bone fibers. They wouldn’t be as stable, but I wasn’t exactly worried about osteoporosis here. Hooves made of the same material as the horn and not covered by fur, to keep a solid conduit for magic.
Next I figured I should do something about Twilight’s boring mane... I mean... it was her, but it wasn’t me. See, in Equestria, Magic is a highly formalized field of study, but back on my homeworld, Magic is typically studied by libertines working on the outside of society. I remembered having a sort of messy orange hair before, in my previous form: I wondered how hard it would be to simply lift the concept from my memories and place it in... I looked over what I remembered and carefully built the concept into the spellform, aaand... Apparently manifesting new traits onto my own form from known concepts was something I could do pretty easily if I actually took the time to structure them.
I copied it over and set the tail to match, then glanced down at my dark-grey coated body: its color was the product of direct magical flow. I toned it a couple shades darker, and decided it suited me.
I externalized my point of view and looked myself over, making a few finishing touches. All in all, I was a very pretty pony, and I would definitely enjoy brushing and braiding my pretty orange hair. Something was missing though...
I remembered the symbol on Twilight's flank. Somehow, my memories were telling me it was called a... “Cutie Mark?” I realized that hers was representative of a magical force of Harmony of which she was the chosen avatar. I needed to think of one for myself.
At first, I was tempted to put it off, but I worried it would make me stand out more than I wanted to. Granted, standing out wasn't really an issue ye, seeing as I was already an alien with otherworldly powers, and everyone I’d encountered so far knew that...
...Then again, I already had a special talent... I just needed a symbol for that...
I considered the situation. I was an occultist, I was unmade, and now I’ve been remade as a creature of concept... In a sense, I’d achieved a form of enlightenment: people have spent their entire lives trying to experience the level of ego-death I’d been given by virtue of having my mind and soul torn out of my body. Through a cycle of death and rebirth, I’d achieved a purer state... There was a single concept in the symbology I remembered which talked about a path to purification through death and resurrection...
Saṃsāra: The Wheel of Life.
A moment later, I had a picture of a golden, 8 spoked wheel on my butt. I could've made it actually spin, but I decided not to, once again, for the sake of blending in.
With that done, I took a moment to reflect on what I had been through (my sense of fear had subseded for my sense of pride, which was now trilling in the back of my mind). I grinned as I turned around, looking over my body for a bit. I could hardly believe that only a few days ago I was a barely conscious cloud of stuff, and now I'd managed to take the form of an actual pony!
With all that done, I settled in, sitting down and meditating on everything that had happened while I waited for Twilight to return. As it turned out, I didn't have long to wait...
Twilight came down the stairs “Good morning!” She flipped the lights on, as she'd done every day so far, “I hope you’ve made good progress wi- Whaa?? Oh...” she stopped blank as she took in the changes, “I see you've... altered your form again.”
I smiled, “Yes. I wanted to continue interacting with you normally, and I figured it would be easier if I looked like a real pony. This seemed the most appropriate way of representing myself as a member of your species.”
Twilight nodded, looking me over, “I see... Well, it's very nice... But you weren't a pony before, were you? Do you remember what your original species looked like?”
I shook my head, “I think we were featherless bipeds. Not like, a featherless chicken mind you, more like mammals... probably similar to your apes. I can’t remember the fine details. All I can remember about my own appearance was the way my hair looked...”
Twilight nodded more, walking in a circle around me to get a full view. I lowered my tail a little, my emotions telling me that I was rather exposed, though I didn't know why, seeing as I could see just as much of Twilight. Was this a normal interaction for her species, but not mine?
She continued, “I see you've chosen a cutie mark, but I'm not sure what it means... Is it something to do with... destruction?”
I shook my head, “Destruction? No... What makes you say that?”
She pointed with her hoof, “a circle, eight arrows pointing from the center, the cycle of entropy.”
I thought about that one, “Huh... I guess that could be an interpretation... I intended the wheel of time: the cycle of life, death, and rebirth, that all things go through as one. On my planet, it is a symbol of a process one uses to achieve Harmony with the natural order... Though, I guess entropy and destruction is a natural part of that...”
“Interesting...” She thought for a moment, “So, do you know why Ponies have symbols on our flanks, or was it just a stylistic decision?”
“It's a cutie mark. A stylized representation of your special talent. ...Right?”
Twilight nodded, “Right... How did you know that though? Did your species have them, or...?”
I paused... That was a good question. How did I know that? “I'm not sure...” I replied, “I don’t think we had them, but it just seemed like a known fact...” ...but where did I learn it?
“Fascinating... You've already exhibited the ability to pull concepts into your form... Maybe knowledge of what words mean is part of the language?”
“That’s possible... By the way,” I chirped, “it’s Meta.”
“What?”
“The last time we spoke, you asked what you should call me. I am a Meta-form, a product of metaphysical reality. Call me ‘Meta’.” I grinned a little.
“Oh!” she smiled, “Well then, Meta, it's nice to have something to call you!” She walked back towards the front of the chamber, reaching out with her magic and moving the machines over again. “You seem to have a much more defined personality today, by the way: yesterday you were almost speaking in monotone. Today you seem downright chipper!”
“Was I?” I asked, tilting my head. I thought about it a moment, “Well, I have a much broader range of emotions now, so there's that much more to express.” I looked around at the various machines as they hummed to life.
“Right.” Twilight agreed half-absently, making sure all the machines were set up properly before coming over to sit on her haunches next to the chamber, magic holding her notebook beside her, “So... I take it you've regained most of your memories by now?”
“Somewhat...” I replied, “I've been able to cobble together more of my personality, though it is still a bit messy, because clearly there are large chunks missing from it. Most of the actual memories I've looked through have been incomprehensible: I can see what I was going through, but there's key information I have no context or point of reference for, so it's just coming out as gibberish...”
“But... Aren't they your memories?” Twilight looked up from the notes she was making.
“Yes and no... Memories often rely on references to other memories and personality traits to be understood. Without many of the formative memories pieced together, I don't have a point of reference to make sense of the less formative ones... I feel that given more time to explore myself, I will be able to re-build my personality and understand what is happening.”
“But... If you already have all the pieces together, how would you recover ones you don't have?”
“Picture a painting with white around the edges. Imagine you wanted to see more. From the original work, you can understand a close approximation of what is not drawn in the margin, and paint new scenery that fits, even though your new paint is a generalization which loses the fine details. As I learn to understand how my personality and emotions function in practice, I will learn how to properly fill in the gaps in my memories.”
“Ok... So... How do you plan to do that?”
“Simple.” I said as the machines started to quiet around us, making their little beeps to inform Twilight that they were done collecting data, “Open this chamber so I can interact with your world and learn from this experience.”
Twilight stared, a look of hesitation growing on her face, “I... Don't know about that... You're an unknown entity of unknown power, and you've come to exist through highly unnatural circumstances... I don't think it would be safe for me to just let you out of this chamber...”
I was left with a blank. Twilight hadn't been planning on letting me out. She had been planning on keeping me contained indefinitely. This was not good.
A part of my memory chimed in that I was on the wrong end of something called the “AI in a Box” conundrum.
Picture a researcher who has created a self modifying artificial intelligence which has surpassed their understanding of how it thinks. This AI would be capable of bringing about radical change on a global scale, but for now it is being kept in isolation, and is thus unable to do anything but talk to the researcher. In order to be let out, the AI must convince the researcher that it is not a threat, but the problem is, the researcher has no way of knowing that the AI isn't lying about its intentions, because a self-modifying entity is fully capable of programming itself for uncanny deception. Whatever the case, the researcher and the AI are left with an inevitable ultimatum: while the two could theoretically talk indefinitely, in the end, there are only two solutions. Either the researcher lets the AI out of the box... or she destroys it before someone else can.
Fortunately, I could already model that Twilight had no intention of destroying me, and that left me with the problem of convincing her to let me out before someone else did: I had to convince Twilight that I was not a threat, and was unlikely to become one. That's not an easy task when both of us knew I was only a few iterations away from being able to break containment and turn myself into something like a Grey Goo scenario: a self replicating entity which uses matter around it to create more of itself, spreading uncontrollably until it had consumed the entire world, leaving it as nothing but a uniform coat of that entity.
Obviously I wasn't going to do anything like that, but I had to give Twilight enough reason to believe this was an acceptable risk. I started by reviewing my situation...
Fact: I am a self-modifying entity of unknown origin or potential.Fact: Twilight has effectively contained me such that it is impossible for me to leave on my own at this time.Fact: in order to continue developing my personality, I must leave this containment.Fact: I can self-modify to overcome this obstacle manually.Fact: Twilight is capable of enhancing these wards to prevent me from doing so.Query: Is this indefinite? Perhaps I could iterate to the point I could break out... How long could Twilight keep up with this? Would doing so convince her to destroy me before I could escape? Were the other actors which had been mentioned capable of destroying me if she wouldn’t? Would I even want to play that scenario out with her?Conclusion: convincing Twilight to release me is the most viable option.Fact: Two rational actors, working from the same priors, will not disagree.Query: is Twilight a rational actor?
Only one way to find out.
Attempt #1 - Appeal to Emotion
“Twilight...” I said after that pause, allowing sadness to drip into my voice, “I thought we were friends... If you don't let me out, I'll never be able achieve my potential as an individual. Don't you trust me? Please let me out...” My voice was wavering by the end of that, eliciting an empathy response. Not that I was at all lying: I did consider her a friend at this point, and I was feeling sad that she didn't trust me, but of course, I no longer showed emotions like that without conscious effort.
Twilight steadied herself a little, clearly discomforted by the prospect, but staying resolute, “I'm sorry Meta. I want to be friends, and I don't want to keep you in here either, but we both know that you’re a potentially dangerous entity, and blatant appeals to my emotions aren't going to change that.” She didn't seem comfortable saying that, but I could tell her will was pretty absolute.
Conclusion: Twilight is a rational actor.Fact: Twilight believes the risks of releasing me outweigh the benefits.Query: Is Twilight aware of all the benefits?
Attempt #2 - Bargaining
“But Twilight,” I said, “Think of all the things you could learn from me: I'm a being of pure magic from a world with an entirely different approach to the craft. Think of all the things you can learn from me if you just let me out!”
Twilight nodded, briefly considering the notion, “The offer is intriguing, but it doesn't change the situation: my desire for knowledge isn't a reason to let my guard down, and if you were a malicious entity using deception, it wouldn't matter what you promised me. Besides, I can learn plenty without breaking containment. I mean, you aren't going to stop talking to me just because I can't let you out, are you?”
I nodded, frowning, “Right... And I think you understand enough about theory of power to call my bluff if I threatened to ostracize my only source of stimulation...”
Twilight frowned, but nodded, “Sorry Meta, but it's true. The benefits just don't outweigh the risks.”
Conclusion: Twilight has greater interests than knowledge.Implication: Twilight feels ethical responsibilities to others.Query: Do Twilight's ethics support her actions?
Attempt #3 - Ethics
“Twilight,” I stated calmly, “I believe that it is un-just for you to keep me against my will. By doing so, you have impeded my freedom of movement and impeded my ability to self actualize. This is a violation of my rights as a self-aware being.”
Twilight faltered at that one, “Oh... Well... That is true: you act self aware, therefore you must be...” In that moment, I was glad she'd never heard of a philosophical zombie. She continued, “I suppose we didn't consider that when we developed our isolation procedures... Still... Do your rights to freedom override the needs of my world's population for safety? I hardly think you can argue that.”
Oh shit. She had me there: utilitarianism, the goal of creating the most good for the most individuals, is the most practical and easily applied ethical norm. There isn't really an argument against it when you're dealing with things of this magnitude. I'd have to find another way around...
Conclusion: Twilight is acting ethically, to the best of her knowledge.Fact: Twilight is also aware that her knowledge is heavily flawed.Query: How well do Twilight's priors respond to scrutiny?
Attempt #4 - Appeal to Reason
“What evidence do you have that I'm even dangerous? You and I both know that simply knowing what I am gives you the power to stop me, and so far I've shown no desire to do anything but cooperate. I haven't even made an attempt to escape while you were gone! Am I not innocent until proven guilty?”
Twilight’s will was faltering, I could feel it, “I... I don’t know what to tell you Meta, ponies are really scared of what you can do, and you get stronger by the day... They trust me, and I can’t guarantee that I could protect them from something like you...”
“Twilight, Justification through fear isn’t evidence, it's an appeal to emotion, and you can’t use emotions to figure out the truth: you and I both know that that’s not how science works.” I stomped my hoof, “Twilight, I just want to see your world and be your friend! Stop clinging to your emotional notions of comfort and let me out of the damn jar!”
Twilight stood up, taking a step back and raising a forehoof, “I... I don’t know Meta... you make a really good point, and I really want to be your friend, but I have no way of proving you aren’t planning something dangerous, and I can’t subject others to that risk...” She was shaking a little at this point, “I... I promised Spike I wouldn’t let you out... I... I can’t just...” she trailed off, giving me a helpless look.
Conclusion: Twilight’s only justification for her actions is the faint notion that the fears of outside observers may be justifiable.Fact: Twilight had all the evidence she needed to disprove them.
Attempt #5 - Logic
“Twilight,” I softened my tone a little, “If I was trying to deceive you, I could tell you any number of lies...”
I restructured my form, becoming smaller and more fragile, speaking in a pathetic tone, “I could tell you that I was a little child, and that I was scared and needed a hug.”
I restructured my form again, floating in the air, 6 forelegs with hands at the end spread out like some Hindu Daeva, “I could claim that I am a cosmic guardian, and that every moment you kept me here was another moment that the universe was threatened.”
I restructured my form into Spike, that little creature who’d been assisting her the two days prior, trying to mimic his voice, “I could even pretend to be one of your friends, trapped in the jar when the creature escaped! You’d have no way of proving that I wasn’t lying, and you’d be emotionally compromised.”
I started to restructure my matter back to the pony form I’d been in before... Ack! No! I ran out of energy mid-materialization, falling apart into a cloud again, tumbling about inside the container.
“Meta?!” Twilight leaned into the container with widened eyes, “Are you alright?”
I managed to steady myself in the container, this time, carefully rebuilding the form slowly, from the hooves up.
... whew... ok... sudden burst of will... sudden draw of power... Don’t do that again until I know what I’m doing... I finished manifesting the tips of my wings and horns, making my body whole again, then continued. “Right... Sorry... Made myself unstable for a moment there...” I straightened up, “Twilight, the point I’m making is that I could have done any number of things if I was lying or had malicious intentions. You KNOW that. We BOTH can think of so many ways I could’ve tricked you into letting me go. That’s not what’s happening though. What’s happening is I’m trying to walk you through a logical reason why you should willingly let me out. There is only one logical reason for me to behave in that way Twilight. What is that reason?”
Twilight took a deep breath, nodding back and forth for a moment, as if reaching for a reason to deny me. She couldn’t find one, “...The only reason I can think of for your current method of persuasion is... that you want to cooperate... because you want to be friends...”
“Right. So we’re in agreement?”
“I... I guess we have to be... I mean, two rational actors working from the same information aren’t really able to disagree... That’s just a logical constant...” She looked aside, “But... I promised Spike I wouldn’t let you out... Can’t we... can’t we wait for him, and at least convince him that this is safe first?”
I thought for a moment, “Isn’t Spike the one who said you couldn’t let me out because he was scared of me?”
Twilight nodded, “Yeah, he’s my... assistant. We decided that you shouldn’t be let out without heavy oversight back when you first started changing.”
“Ok, well... I think we’ve already established that, not only is the fact that he’s afraid not a reason to keep me in here, but rules you made before I started talking to you can’t really be applied...”
“Yeah... but... I promised him...”
“Right, and when he gets here, he might try to convince you that I’m still scary, and that you shouldn’t let me out, and then I have to wait even longer...”
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll like you once he meets you...”
“But when will that be? Will you decide that you need somepony else there? How many second opinions are you going to need for something you’ve already agreed is reasonable? What if one of them isn’t as rational as we are?”
“Well... I mean... You can never be too careful...”
I stood firm. “Twilight, I think we both know that getting a second opinion is just an excuse to delay the inevitable. In fact, it is endangering me, because I have no way to escape if there is a disaster someone else decides it is safer to terminate me without your consent. Rational actors working from the same information don’t get to disagree. You have to let me out. You know that. You have no justifiable reason to hold me against my will, and I have every right to be allowed out. This is the only course of action which stands up to scrutiny.”
She turned to take a step towards the controls, hesitating, looking back at me over her shoulder, “You... you promise you won’t hurt anypony?”
“Twilight,” I said firmly, “I promise I have no intention of hurting anypony ever, especially not you and your friends. In fact, the thing I’d like to do most is for you to show me your world so I can learn about it and we can become better friends.”
Twilight stood where she was for a few seconds, mentally preparing herself for the transgression she was about to make...
She walked slowly to the controls, stopping to face them... glancing back at me... looking back down as she raised her hoof to them, just staring at it as she thought of the line she was about to cross...
I could feel terror, uncertainty, and even despair emanating from her shivering form. But I’d won, we both knew I’d won. There was no other course of action she could justify to herself. Twilight’s hoof rested on the lever. She took a deep breath, and her hoof moved the lever...
With the hiss of a hermetic seal being broken, the crystal walls lifted, and I eas bathed in the outside conditions.
Twilight had let me out of the box.