//------------------------------//
// Meanwhile, in Equestria... 
// Story: The Road Trip of A-Holes! 
// by Sense of Humor 
//------------------------------//

"This was supposed to come in FOUR DAYS AGO!" 

Derpy wanted to be anywhere else in Equestria right now, and for good reason. As matter of fact, there were three reasons as to why she really wanted to be elsewhere: starting with no time to listen to customer complaints. It wasn't in her personality to ignore ponies who offered constructive criticism--it helped her to be a better deliverymare in the future. But she'd much rather take it later when she didn't have a bunch of other envelopes and packages to deliver to the rest of Ponyville. Some other ponies had to wait even longer to get their mail and she expected a horrid mouthful out of them when she knocked on their door.

The second reason was that this particular mare, something or whatever her name was, couldn't seem to understand that Derpy's entire mailing company had suffered a delay in business due to the whole...mechanical creature incident. It was just a precaution to make sure that no mailpony got caught up in the chaos and death down below by accident, something that Derpy was a little more than happy to take a vacation because of.

And third, she was starting to hate the mail business; she'd been delivering mail for the past eight days, and a majority of those days were spent helping mail companies in Canterlot and the Crystal Empire. Apparently the incident made everypony worried about every last family member they had, so they all tried to send out mail at the same time and everything began to get mixed in a giant pile in the breakroom. Derpy didn't know how much mail she delivered but her jaws hurt from having to hand everypony their mail, her wings were mere centimeters away from cramping due to all the flying and her poor back had to carry the weight of the mailbags for hours. She needed a good trip to the spa after this.

"...And are you daydreaming?! You haven't looked me in the eye once!" The angry mare impatiently tapped her Hoof on her concrete porch. "Did you listen to anything I just said?!"

Derpy's criss-crossed pupils dilated in worry and she tried to stammer through her teeth, still clenched weakly around the envelope in her mouth. Why won't she just shut up and take it? "Yes, Ma'am. I'm sorry it took so long.  With the incident that happened and the--"

"Oh, if you're going to waste more of my time, don't use that excuse! Give me THAT!" Strawberry Sunrise snatched the envelope from her Derpy's mouth, leaving a painful sting at the corners of the grey pegasus' mouth. "And expect a complaint to your superiors, Miss Hooves! "

"H-Hope you have a nice da--" 

SLAM!

She sighed through her nostrils, though it came out as more of a snort against the wooden door. That was yet another complaint threat to be made toward her boss; Thank Celestia and Luna that he was a lot more patient than these ponies. Since he had a hoof in the mail delivery, he would know exactly what Derpy was experiencing. Then again, if he heard about too many complaints from other co-workers, he may not be as patient as everypony will hope. That was just swell; an aching body and a boss who could potentially be steamed later.

Derpy began to limp away from the door with the intention of traveling further into the center of town and then making a right to deliver a few new utensils to the Cakes. As she created more and more distance between her and Sunrise's house, she noticed an energetic butterfly fluttering around her and demanding her attention. Despite herself, Derpy giggled softly  and watched the insect flutter up higher as if daring the pony to chase her. The mare flapped her aching wings and began to float after the butterfly, when she suddenly paused and settled back down on the ground.

Not now, Derpy. Get your mind back in reality. She scolded herself with a sigh and wordlessly stared at her heavy mailbag, bulging with both boxes and envelopes alike. A lot of deliveries for a lot of houses, and that allowed no time for her to go back to her carefree, clumsy ways. Not when her job was her top priority.

Still, no amount of internal scolding could prepare her for her name being called with a masculine, intelligent accent. She instinctively recognized the voice and happily turned to see a familiar brown stallion sitting outside Hayburger Central, at one of the outdoor tables. "Doc!"

She limped over him as fast as she could manage, eager to speak with her good friend. Besides, she was sure that he had some mail in this giant bag. "Hi, Doc! How are you doing today?"

"Hmm. No offense Derpy, but I feel better than you look at the moment. " Doctor Whooves said in the most friendly way he could--pretty difficult considering how brutally honest he was about her. She weakly laughed as a way of agreeing with him. "Why don't you sit for a while, and have a shake with me?"

"Oh, really? I'd love t...I mean, I can't. " Derpy really did like the idea of sitting right about now, and enjoying a sundae wasn't a bad bonus either. But she didn't even have time to fully imagine getting a shake and eating it, let alone do the real thing. "I've got way too much mail to deliver. Including yours, I think. You ordered spare parts for something?"

Whooves looked disappointed with her answer, but his spirits were slightly lifted with her question. "Yes! It's for my Shake-making machine! I just need those pieces to finish it. I'm just here for...inspiration on what the main recipie should be."

"Cookies and Cream would my top choice." Derpy giggled as she presented his package and scooted it next to his sundae on the table. A thought that suddenly occured to her made her smile drop. "Um...how long have you been waiting for this box?"

"About...four days. Why do you...oh, it's nothing, Derpy! " Doctor Whooves patted her back firmly, and the movement at least relieved a bit of her stiff muscles. "I understand your dilemma, what with the...Incident and all. It doesn't matter if I had to wait. Worse things could have happened."

Nodding halfheartedly, her eyes fell on the box as she drifted into her thoughts, as brief as it was. It would have been nice if she had a hoof in stopping that weird alien creature, if only to help bring its defeat quicker and avoid all this chaos in the future. What a laugh that idea was; there was no way in Equestria she'd be able to do anything useful for anypony. Unless her clumsiness worked in her favor, which it hardly ever did. Best to just stick to being a mailpony, and just daydream about being help.

"Uh Doc? Before I go..." She positioned her body so that her back was facing Doctor Whooves, and her wings unfurled. He sat there with growing confusion, especially at her unfurling wings right in front of him. "...would you mind um...shoving my back?"

He blinked. "Er, what?"

"Nothing too hard. Just a firm hit. My back has really been killing me today."

"I...uh...I suppose I could." He looked around before returning his gaze to her; Derpy guessed he didn't want to be caught hitting a mare, even if she really really wanted it. He reared back a hoof shakily, but not too far. "Uh, is there a specific spot I should...?" She smiled halfheartedly and shook her head. "Um...okay."

POP!

"Oh, my."

"OH CELESTIA, THAT FEELS GOOOOOOD!" Derpy enjoyed the few waves of pleasure radiating from her spine before starting to head off to finish her deliveries. Thanks to his light hit against her back, she could move with a bit more pep in her step and her muscles recieved a much needed burst of energy. "Okay, Doc! I'll see you later!"

At first he blinked a few more times to register what he'd done, but an amused smile eventually spread across his features. "Indeed."






"....hmm...Yes, that size sounds good enough. And can you make it look like a turquoise kite?"

"A...Kite?"

She rolled her eyes at Mrs. Cake's confusion and waved a hoof dismissively. "Trixie thinks you should ask less questions from now on. It's quite irritating to Trixie. I just want it in the form of kite, specifically that color." The showmare produced a mental image of the kite to scrutinize and eyeball. The turquoise could work without a doubt, but it needed enough space for the title! If the title was all scrunched up in the middle, she would think that it was all rushed in. But with a larger size, she could fit in the title and a few choice words in the remaining space. But how much would cost her out of the fifteen bits she had? Oh! Since she was technically Pinkie Pie's friend and Pinkie worked here, she could get a discount!

"And on second thought, we'll make the cake an XXL. Starlight would love a larger cake."

Mrs. Cake nodded slowly and briefly glanced at her clock--seventeen minutes and she'd only begun to order her cake in the last two minutes. "Yes. You said that already. Along with many,many other things about your friend."

"Yes, Trixie supposes everypony should get a piece, even if it was meant just for Starlight. But between you and me," Trixie looked around and bared a nervous grin towards the older mare. "Trixie think she's had too many sweets as it is recently. A little chubby around the tummy, if you know what I mean? Not that it's super bad, but we don't want her to get too out of hoof, you know? Then again, somepony might be greedy if the cake is too big and then I'd--"

"Okay! XXL." Mrs. Cake said hurriedly. " And the words: 'Trixie's Welcome Back Starlight Cake (Oh and I guess you too, six other ponies and weird dragon)' written on it. Anything else, Miss Lulamoon? If not, that'll be eight bits."

Trixie's eyes blew wide in disbelief and moreso outrage at her ending price."EIGHT BITS?! IF TRIXIE'D KNOWN YOU WERE RUNNING SOME KIND OF...uh, Does Trixie get a discount since she's one of Pinkie's best friends?"

"...If it'll get you out of my bakery sooner," Mrs.Cake sighed and shrugged tiredly." Then you get a discount. It can be delivered whenever you wish, be it today or later. Please say today."

Trixie hummed to herself; she had been meaning to work out the details of when she wanted it earlier than now. The thought of having it too early made her cringe; what if she was gone longer than Trixie anticipated and the cake went bad? "Trixie shall return to retrieve the cake at a later time, preferably when her best friend Starlight gets back. I hope it's fresh when Trixie returns."

She worried that it would result in more talking from the mare, but Mrs.Cake decided to ask: "Do you normally speak about yourself in the first person, Dearie? Or is it just a habit you picked up from this...Starlight?"

"Oh, Trixie is sure that she picked up this amazing way of talking," The pony proudly grinned. " from her mother of course. Or at least she thinks so. Like mother, like daughter. That sort of thing."

"...You think so."

"Yep. Never met my mother. Or father, for that matter."

"Oh." The older mare rubbed her foreleg with a deep frown, despite her acquaintance's not-sad answer. "Erm...Sorry to hear that, Dear. "

Trixie blinked at her with confusion taking control of her face, unable to shrug off the strange feeling that came after the look of sympathy. She settled for ignoring it instead. "Trixie isn't sure what you're apologizing for, but...Apology accepted. Now what were we discussing before...? Ah yes. Payment! Two bits, coming right up."

Mrs.Cake's sympathy seemed to vanish in an instant. "Nice try. Your discount doesn't extend that much."

"Uh, heh heh. Four bits?"

"That's better."

Trixie left the bakery not long after paying the four bits, but no amount of distance seemed to ameliorate the uncomfortable mood that was born just moments earlier. The showmare decided to interpret the feeling as nothing more than confusion with Mrs.Cake's response; when Trixie nonchalantly explained having no acquaintance with her parents. To be honest, it was confusing to hear sympathy from somepony else when she was the last pony to need sympathy.  Trixie wasn't the best or anything, but she saw herself as miles above some of the more common Equestrians. Even if Mrs.Cake was an Alicorn (or Starlight at least), The showmare knew she didn't need sympathy. She had no time for sympathy, or pity and other demeaning things.  She was the Great and Powerful Trixie.

Not to mention she stopped feeling down over the lack of parents since she was a filly--back when she was able to get things by cuteness alone or by holding her breath until a grownup cracked. She didn't make up any story about being abandoned at an orphanage because really? Who could abandon such a charming little foal? They clearly saw how amazing she was going to become in the future and figured they'd let her have all the fame. Boy did that turn out great; Trixie had multiple shows across Equestria, she had a friend in an awesome reformed unicorn, and was... kinda friends with an Alicorn Princess. Thanks to her parents, the path ahead of her was dazzling and--

"OOF!"

"Ow."

...very short.

"Ow, my neck." Trixie rubbed the mentioned area and whined melodramatically at the slight ache in her neck. Who put that pony in front of her so randomly? She was in the middle of her very important thoughts, for Celestia's sake! "Hey! Why don't you watch you're going lady?! I am trying to walk here!"

The grey pony combed away the purple bangs from her disinterested eyes and fixed Trixie with a blank stare. " I'm pretty sure you ran into me.  I was just standing here talking to...No, Boulder." The mare plucked a small rock up from the ground next to her and stared at it with the same emotionless face. "What did I say about growling at other ponies?  She didn't hurt me.I'm fine."

Trixie stared at her, eyes wide and silently judging this clearly crazy mare. "I'm pretty sure you're the exact opposite of fine, lady."

"Did you come from Sugarcube Corner?" The mare asked boredly, ignoring the rude statement with a blink.

"What?" Trixie suddenly remembered the very place she left and her face lit up with understanding. "Oh. Yes, I did. On a non-busy day, lucky for me."

"Did you see Pinkie Pie inside? She's my sister. I was going to visit her to today."

"You're Pinkie Pie's sister...???" She curiously eyed the blank mare from head to hoof, then chest to tail. She'd have sooner guessed she was the evil opposite of Pinkie Pie than her own sister. Oh well. She wasn't one to judge family, even strange ones like this. "Oh, well, she's gone...I mean, she's back in Equestria, but she's still gone. She's with her other friends, readjusting to Equestria after their...diplomatic thingy.  I didn't catch all the details on how that turned out. Anyway, Trixie was getting a cake prepared for their return. Sorta."

"I take it that's your name. I'm Maud Pie." The earth pony held out of hoof. Trixie reluctantly followed through with her end of the pleasantries as she continued. "I suppose I can at least check on Starlight. I haven't seen her in a while, due to the distances of our homes and such."

Trixie wasn't sure whether she should feel surprised at the fact that Maud, of all ponies, knew Starlight...or that Starlight actually knew Maud. Both sounded like a good compromise, at least. "She's actually with Pinkie and the others--um, how well do you Starlight?"

"That depends." Maud said. "Do you know about Starlight's mind control impulses and her desire to rid all ponies of cutie marks in the past?"

Hmm. So Maud was basically on the same level as Trixie, who should have been jealous but wasn't...as usual, of course. Getting her entire carriage ready to host a welcome home party wasn't entirely boring, but it was just enough to make Trixie feel lonesome without her best friend. She didn't think Maud would replace Starlight so easily...but maybe it would be amusing to see her try? With this notion in mind, Trixie mischievously nudged her new pal's side. "Say, Maud...would you like to help Trixie finish up on her Welcome Home party for Starlight...and those other ponies too?"

"Is limestone really made of lime?"

"Er...yes?"

"You answered thinking of the edible limes and not the soil component. Still correct." Maud shrugged and looked down at the tiny rock cradled in her hoof. "Boulder doesn't have any play dates today." After gently stuffing it inside the collar of her sweater, she shrugged. "And I don't have anything else to do. Not to mention that my sister would probably encourage me to make more friends, anyway."

"Uh, Great. Trixie could always use another hoof that knows our mutual friend! Now, I've already handled all the food preparations and the drink stuff too.They'll be ready when we need them. " Trixie used her horn to pull out the rather long list, angling it so that Maud could see it. "All we need to gather at the moment are balloons, colorful tablecloths, pinkish party harts, kazzoos and...a build your own kite kit: Pro Edition! Starlight will scream like a little filly when she sees it!"

"Those would be easy to obtain, but easier with my sister here." The grey pony remarked, as her eyes stopped on one particular section of the list. "What about turqoise and purple fireworks?"

Trixie flinched at the question, her eyes already narrowing at the unchecked item reading Maud's exact words. The unicorn growled when she remembered the reason behind it not being checked off; apparently ponyville was out of several kinds of fireworks including the colors she wanted, so she sent for them in the mail. Not a single delivery pony had come by to drop off the colorful explosives since early on last week and she knew it shouldn't take that long for a Pegasus to deliver something like that. If she didn't get her fireworks by the time the night was over, Trixie would have no choice but to use the destructive power of a customer complaint. For now, she nudged her new shopping buddy in a nonchalant way. "Meeeeh, I'll get around to it eventually. It's like Trixie always says; get what's closest to you first, and just maybe you won't be too lazy to get what's far away."

Maud blinked again. "...I guess that makes sense."




Derpy had never been happier to see the HoofEx Mail Company logo in her life, not to mention the building it was plastered on. Such was her place of work, the place she clocked into each day and the place she clocked out at. Now that she had completed all of her work, the mare would be doing the latter. And it was about time too-- she was due for bedrest  days ago! She promised not to move her wings for a week after this was over. Well, not literally because she didn't know when she would soon be needed,  but she could settle for a night or two. " Just a few more minutes,hooves..." The pegasi narrowed her crossed eyes in determination. "...and I'll be home in time to enjoy a muffin. Ooooh, that sounds like a good idea right about now."

After entering one of the West wing hallways, she made her way down to her boss's office with a skip in her step. But when she finally reached Mr. Pen's golden oak doors and opened them, she found his seat to be entirely empty. No sign of him anywhere in the small room. Derpy frowned as she closed the door behind her; great, he had one of those terrible supervisors filling in for him to today. Her chances of rest were disappearing into the hypothetical distance.

"Looking for Pen?" A light green pegasus stallion nodded his head down the hallways' left corridor, where soft sounds of talking could be heard. "He's down in front of the mail cubbies now, but if you don't hurry he'll pass them and move on."

"Oh, okay!" 

Derpy hurried along down the stretch of boring pale tiles and boring pale walls, seeing a small group of ponies in the distance. Almost all of them were familiar coworkers that worked hard o deliver mail, but they looked a lot happier than they usual did today.  Derpy still wasn't sure what everypony was smiling about as she slowed to halt and watched as her coworkers thanked Pen and galloped down the hall in a giddy rush. A laugh riddled her greeting. "Hey, Boss! Man, we had a pretty busy day today, huh?"

"You have no idea! I've been up since Monday! I'm running on nothing but pure caffeine!" She didn't notice it before, but she could see that Mr.Pen's pupils were more dilated than usual. And his grin was bigger too. "I've just been so happy lately that I finished all my work and only had my spine flare up with agony four times!"

Derpy cringed slightly, her lips caught between a smile and and a grimace. "Uh, that's great!"

"It is! It really is! Say, I've been given a few select people three days off for now! " Mr.Pen said truthfully, and  tapped his hooves together. Say, when did he start twitching anyways? "Why don't you take a few days off too? Three days to be exact!"

"Three days!" Derpy's mixed up eyes widened in pure glee at hearing those words, barely focusing on him as she continued a giggle. "Really? Thank you sir...thank you soooooooooooo...."

Her left eye was the first to spot them in distance behind Mr.Pen, stacked on top of each other on her mail cubby. Three small, tightly packed boxes sitting on top of each other and collecting dust even as she gaped at them. With a gasp, she immediately rushed over to block them from her boss' sight. Her hooves shoved them into her bag, tightly crammed but being careful in case they were fragile. When Derpy turned around again, she was surprised to see Pen quite uncomfortably close to her face. "What ya got there, Miss Hooves...?"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh--muffins, obviously!" She presented a grin that she practiced in case of a situation like this one, where she was under the caffeine-crazed stare of another pony. This one happened to be her boss, however. She'd have to be convincing in her words, or else he would learn about these mysterious packages. "You know how Paper Weight is! He's
always trying to woo me with food!"

He nodded in understanding and moved back to her relief, looking a lot calmer than before...if that were even possible. "Oh, ha! Him and his excessive PDA! Or is it he and his excessive PDA? Anyways, you gonna eat those?"

Derpy was already slinking closer and closer towards the end of the hallway, still grinning as widely as she could. Her cheeks demanded that she leave quickly or suffer greatly for her deeds. "Huh? Oh yeah, totally. Soon as I get home!"

"Good! That's probably why you shake so much! Sugar deficiency and all. Eat up!"

Although she really wanted to, Derpy didn't bother to stop and explain that he was vibrating quite a lot due to his caffeine intake. She was too busy dividing her attention between bolting down the second hallway and scanning over the boxes. They were sitting in her cubby for almost a week, and she never noticed them at all; she was too engrossed in handling all the packages that she somehow lost track of the three. "Ugh, stupid,stupid,stupid,stupid!" Derpy stumbled when she tried to facehoof herself, but kept a good running pace all the same. "Okay. That wouldn't have done me any good, anyway. I just have to give a really, really, really good apology and hope they don't file a complaint...whoever they are. Hmm...

She read the postage and sighed with relief. These went to a Trixie Lulamoon, and Derpy had seen her carriage home from the skies once. From what others said, she wasn't exactly the nicest pony, but she was friends with the Princess of Friendship. Maybe Princess Twilight taught her about forgiving others and understanding their troubles?

" I am so doomed." Derpy concluded as she took flight.





"There's gotta be a breathable planet around here SOMEWHERE?!"

Howard's feathery fingers pressed frantically at every button imaginable, causing the ship to vibrate with alarms and just random noises made by opening compartments. Somewhere in his mind, the faint idea that he shouldn't have thrown away the manual came up. But another thought was reining supreme over his head and it was the main reason he was moving so frantically. He bit his lower beak and practically scratched the hologram image of the universe to bits, searching through the infinite miles and kilometers of specks. Not a single planet in sight worth stopping on and not a single moon either. He wanted to try the bathroom door, but he knew that it wouldn't open no matter how hard he tried to given that the stupid thing was jammed with a remote control. Not wanting to remember how that happened, the duck looked over the rest of his dashboard and his eyes happily fell upon the mother of all buttons. The one thing that could make a shortcut faster than the blink of an eye, and was sure to have him end up remotely close to a good planet.

He didn't hesitate another second.