A SUMMER'S DAY IN PONYVILLE
“Mayor! Mayor! It’s awful! Horrible!” Apple Bloom cried as she burst into the mayor’s office on the third floor of Ponyville City Hall, recently repaired (again) from its latest building-shattering explosion.
Mayor Meyer Mare looked up from the budget proposal she wasn’t reading, her eyes glassed over thanks to a nearly empty crystal bottle formerly filled with some rank brown liquid, sporting a logo with an apple adorned with a bow, the personal symbol of her underage benefactor. “Apple Bloom,” she slurred.
“Uh, yes ma’am,” the filly responded, taken off guard by the mayor’s lack of emotion.
“Do you have my latest batch of ‘Happy Juice’ ready?”
“Uh… it’s distillin’ now,” said Apple Bloom. “Should be ready in a day or so.
The mayor attempted to narrow her eyes menacingly, but only succeeded in closing them, losing her balance, and falling out of her chair, landing on the floor with a loud thump. Once she heaved herself back up into her standard position, she tried to glare at Apple Bloom again, but her lolling head suggested her unfocused gaze was landing pretty much everywhere but its intended target.
“Then why are you here?” the mayor appeared to ask a coat rack.
Apple Bloom turned to the coat rack that the Mayor had named Henry, which said nothing, for it preferred to remain quiet most of the time, then back to Ponyville’s official top executive.
“Uh, Mayor, I’m here ‘cauz Twilight’s gone berserk. Again.”
Mayor Mare leaned forward, then gravity took over as she smacked her face on her desk. She then repeated the gesture three more times.
“Who made her mad this time?” the Mayor asked, still slurred but an unusually lucid question considering her level of inebriation.
“I don’t know!” Apple Bloom cried. “Me an’ AJ just went over to the library an’ she was goin’ on some rant about some pony named Soulfire or somethin’ and how he always wrote stories about her and made her the antagonist… whatever that means.”
“An antofagasta… antigone… uh…” Mayor Mare attempted to say.
At that point, her secretary Raven stuck her head into the office to offer assistance. “Antagonist, mayor.”
“Yeah, Antagonistmayor,” slurred the mayor, who was not an antagonist, at least not intentionally. “An antagonistmayor izza bad guy. Sorta. Unless the story is about a bad guy, then the antagonistmayor izze good guy. Or somethin’.”
Apple Bloom turned to Raven. “I-is she okay? She seems… less with-it than normal. Even for her.”
Raven shook her head. “Poor dear. Like every mayor and local lord-noble in Equestria, she has been dealing with letter after letter of bizarre, contradictory, and probably illegal regulatory decrees from Prime Minister Orangeglow. For instance, the one that came in just two weeks ago that bans citizens of the Crystal Empire from travelling to or through Equestria. Or the one that directs authorities to close every medical clinic in the land and give each former staff member a kick up the arse, followed by taking lady nurses aside and groping them in the… I refuse to finish that sentence in the presence of a child.”
“I see. Bein’ mayor is tougher ‘n I thought,” Apple Bloom said. “Guess that’s why Granny decided to not do it.”
“Your exalted grandmother had other reasons for leaving her post after the election. But I am sworn to secrecy as to what those reasons are,” Raven said.
“Uh-huh,” said Apple Bloom. Then she perked up as she remembered the formerly derailed chain of conversation. “Oh! Right! So Applejack tried to console Twilight, and she just got angrier and angrier. Started zappin’ out windows, destroyin’ the statues. Pretty sure she melted the kitchen.”
“You mean she melted the appliances?” Raven asked for clarification.
“No. She melted the kitchen. Stove, fridge, walls, everything! I didn’t even know you could melt wood! When we asked where Spike was, Twilight let out this scream louder than a rooster at the crack o’ dawn, an’ this huge ball of magic came out of her an’ knocked all the books off the shelves. Well, at that point, me and big sis hightailed it outta there. I figured the mayor needed to know.”
The two ponies looked over to the mayor, who had fallen asleep at her desk, a puddle of drool slowly pooling beneath her mouth as she snored loudly.
Raven sighed. “She’s literally the best this town has,” she said, motioning over to the zonked out Mayor Mare. “Your Granny Smith aside, I refuse to work for any pony else but Meyer.”
“I’ve lived in this town all my life,” Apple Bloom said. “I believe ya.”
“So. Where exactly is Spike?” asked Raven.
“I don’t know! Twilight kicked it up a notch as soon as we mentioned his name, so I know somethin’ must’ve happened,” Apple Bloom answered.
“I’m on strike,” said Spike, suddenly appearing in the doorway.
The two conscious ponies turned around in surprise. Mayor Mare burped.
Apple Bloom cocked her head at Spike. “Whaddaya mean you’re on strike?”
“Twilight’s not the only one sick and tired of the treatment she gets,” Spike said. “Though, to be honest, she deserves it a lot more than I do.”
“I was under the impression that we treated you rather well as a counterpoint to Twilight’s constant abuse,” Raven interjected.
“Well, you do,” admitted Spike. “And I’m glad to have you two and the mayor here as friends. It keeps me going. But, whenever I’m not with you three, I’m being subjected to the stupidest things. Did you know I had to endure a dream courtesy of Discord where every pony exploded and…?”
“Well, that’s Discord for ya,” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Or that I had to talk Twilight back from the brink because Celestia got drunk and outlawed basic grammar?”
“I… don’t really remember that.”
“Or the time that every pony except the mayor turned into an Alicorn and Twilight went berserk?”
Apple Bloom levelled a glare at him. “I warned ya not ta drink any of the Mayor’s special holiday ‘Happy Juice’ blend, no matter how much she invited ya to. I made it extra strong at her request. That ain’t my fault!”
“Or when I had to rescue the Friendship Express train engineer from a blast crater because everyone else forgot about him?”
Raven cleared her throat. “We understand you’re upset. But how does this all translate to you ‘going on strike’?”
Spike sighed. “I’m tired. Tired of all the abuse, tired of all the insanity, tired of Twilight’s constant screaming. I just want to take some time off and go somewhere far away until I can finally calm my nerves. To the Crystal Empire. They love me there. Cadance said I’m welcome whenever, so I wrote her a note.”
Apple Bloom and Raven looked at Spike, then to the mayor, then out the window where they could see flashes of magenta magic spark down the street, then back to Spike. A pregnant pause passed before the two ladies spoke.
“Take us with you!!” they said.
Spike pondered for a moment. “Sure. Why not? I’m sure Cadance has extra bedrooms in that palace of hers. May as well pick up a ticket for the mayor too. Leaving her alone with Twilight and no backup is probably a bad idea.”
“Should I leave the train ticket on her desk for when she wakes up, or do we take her with us?” Raven asked.
“Hmm…” Spike thought as he scratched his chin while sizing up his passed-out friend. “Let’s drag her along. She’s so out of it right now that nothing’s gonna wake her up.”
Mayor Mare let out a hiccup.
“Well, that settles that,” said Apple Bloom. “Should I tell my family we’re joinin’ ya on strike?”
Spike stared at her like she’d grown an extra head. “No. What would be the point of that? We leave the story without telling anyone!”
“What story?” Raven and Apple Bloom asked.
Spike slapped his forehead. “Best you don’t know, and don’t ask.”
Ten minutes later, Spike, Apple Bloom, Raven, and a still-unconscious Mayor Mare sat on the train station platform as Ponyville burned in the distance, but they did not care in the least, for their tickets to the Crystal Empire had been bought and stamped… and had no return date.
“Should be any minute now,” Raven said, checking her watch.
Off in the distance, a massive explosion somewhere in the vicinity of City Hall – likely at City Hall – sent a deep rumble through the entire area as a massive column of black smoke rose from the site.
“That… might’ve been my distillery. I sorta kinda set it up behind City Hall so big sis wouldn’t see it,” Apple Bloom said with a blush.
“Eh. Not our problem anymore,” said Spike flippantly.
Raven nodded sagely. “Much as I hate to agree, the dragon has a point.”
Mayor Mare, propped up against their few pieces of luggage, groaned incoherently as she slid onto her side and began burbling.
Soon enough, the train rolled into the station. The conductor, sporting scars from his previous encounter with unreality, helped them load Mayor Mare into the first-class car, whereupon they were greeted warmly by the engineer, still clad in bandages and burns from the same unfortunate incident.
“Thanks for setting us up like this, guys,” Spike said as nicely as he could, which wasn’t much, but at least he tried.
“Think nothing of it. You saved my life,” said the engineer before he limped back to his controls.
“Also, your accommodation comes courtesy of the ruler of the Crystal Empire,” said the conductor. “I assume you sent word ahead of time about your intention to visit, as we received an urgent note from Her Highness directing we give you and your friends top-class treatment.”
“Well, even if I’m on strike, it’s rude to drop in on Cadance unannounced,” Spike said. “Don’t care about anyone else, but she deserves my manners.”
“Hey, this is a whole lot better than that time we stowed away on here, ain’t it, Spike?” Apple Bloom said rhetorically.
“Yeah,” Spike agreed with a contented sigh as he stretched his legs out along the plush seat as Raven gave the two of them a disappointed glare.
Mayor Mare, strapped onto another plush velvet seat across the aisle, simply snored as visions of pickled plums danced in her head.
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that,” the conductor said before clearing his throat and calling out “ALL ABOARD!!”
Final boarding call given, the Friendship Express slowly started up its engines again, its gears and wheels turning more and more rapidly as the train picked up speed, leaving Ponyville and beginning its multi-day journey to the promised land in the north.
THE END