Pessimism and Sarcasm
Chapter 25
RD’s Birthday Bash
I stand at the entrance of the highest class restaurant in Ponyville, wearing the tux that Rarity had designed. The ornate invitation in my hand is also from Rarity, and as I tug at my collar I imagine myself walking away and never having to deal with whatever this pony has in mind. But I’m sure I’ll have to deal with it eventually, even if I do skip this lunch. My mind wanders toward the various threats Twilight made earlier tonight; I wince at a flashback of her smirking and saying, “I wonder how you’d taste as a cupcake.”
Thus, with no other options, I enter the restaurant.
A stallion with a bow tie greets me and leads me to the booth Rarity has reserved. The walls of the booth raise high above our heads, giving us more privacy. I rest my chin in my palm and wait for whatever delicate information Rarity wishes to dispense.
“Good afternoon, Jake,” she says with a sweet smile and fluttering eyelashes. “I’m certain you’re curious as to why I’ve invited you here.”
“Got that right,” I mumble, glancing around the classy restaurant. Ponies at other tables touch hooves and gaze at each other with sparkling eyes.
“Let me assure you this is not meant to be a date between you and I,” Rarity hurries to say. “However, relationships are certainly the subject of our discussion.”
Our waiter places three menus on the table and promises to return soon for our drink orders. “He gave us too many menus,” I say.
“Please pay attention, Jake. You see, Twilight and I had a long talk about what you and she did inside of Pinkie Pie-” I wince at the mere wording. “-and she’s realized just like you that it was nothing more than a panic-induced kiss. I believe I speak for all of us when I say that our attraction to you, Jake, was simply because of your exotic nature.”
I chuckle, being the whitest boy I know back home. No one there would consider me exotic.
“Yet now you have been here for a while and the novelty has worn off,” she continues. “To be frank, darling, none of us are really ‘into’ you anymore.”
“Really?” I say, feeling a lump in my stomach finally dissolving. If she really means that none of them want a relationship with me, that means I can go about my inordinary life in peace and Lyra won’t be stalking me anymore. I can’t help but grin as I repeat myself. “Really?!”
“Well, except for Lyra,” Rarity laughs. “She’s obsessed with you, darling! Oh my, speak of the devil!”
As I turn to see who she means, in my head I hear alarm klaxons and certain fishy hominid saying “It’s a trap!” Lyra follows behind the host pony, holding an invitation identical to mine. Now the third menu makes sense.
“We’re so glad you could make it, Lyra dear,” Rarity says. I try to tell her to speak for herself, but I feel a warm, tingling sensation inside my mouth and realize Rarity is literally forcing me to hold my tongue with her magic. “Jake, please scootch over to make room for our guest,” she says with a saccharine smile.
I attempt to groan but find I can’t do that either. Slowly I drag my body across the seat, making room for Lyra. She sits beside me, her cheeks bright red. Her timidity would be cute, if she wasn’t staring at me out of the corner of her eye like a maniac.
Our waiter returns and Lyra and I order water.
“I’ll have a wheat tonic straight up with a twist,” Rarity says, looking him in the eyes. “Dirty...if you could, darling.”
The waiter gulps and nods, stumbling away.
“Now Lyra,” Rarity says, clearing her throat. “I understand you’ve been giving Jake here some trouble.”
Is she about to ask Lyra to leave me alone? I think Rarity is threatening enough to get anypony to abandon their crush. However, my hopes are the only thing abandoned as she continues.
“What you must understand is that your sentiments are not shared by every mare with whom Jake comes into contact. You have no need to be so violently jealous, my dear. Only violently adoring.”
I bury my face in my hands.
Lyra swallows then speaks up, “Thank you, Rarity. You know how it is when there’s a stallion you really like and you see other mares around him.” She seems to scoot closer to me. “It’s just awful. I mean, they know you like him too and it gets competitive.” She absolutely scoots closer to me. “It’s just like that old saying, ‘one mare wants what another mare already has.” She brushes against my thigh before being pulled away by Rarity’s magic.
“Lyra, there’ll be plenty of time for that later,” Rarity giggles. “Let’s concentrate on the matter at hoof, shall we?”
Lyra nods, blushing, but while Rarity isn’t looking, she uses her own magic to pull me closer to her. I’m trapped between two unicorns - I couldn’t escape if I tried. Stupid master race.
Rarity continues, “So there you have it. Nopony else, in Ponyville at least, is ready to cross that line with Jake here, so you should have nothing to worry about.”
“I understand,” Lyra says. She hesitates, then motions for Rarity to come closer. The two lean over the table, and Lyra whispers something. Rarity gasps and sits back, playfully smirking at me.
“Oh yes, Lyra. Definitely!” she says, still eyeing me. “Now then, how about lunch?”
Lyra leans against my shoulder, but Rarity doesn’t pull her away.
They’re planning something. Love it.
___
The host pony waved as we went out into Ponyville’s sunny streets. It was rainy the night before, and ponies were happy to see that the sun came out for Rainbow Dash’s big birthday bash. I turned to face the mares, but kept walking in the direction of the library.
“Excellent meal, Rarity, thank you so much,” I say. “I guess I’ll see you two at the party tonight-”
“Jake! Darling!” Rarity croons, enveloping Lyra in her magic and dragging her to my side. “Why don’t you take dear Lyra with you? I believe you said something about still needing to find a gift for Rainbow Dash? You two could shop together!”
I look down at Lyra. She’s still blushing.
“I actually already have my gift,” I say. “It’s really more of a prank. Remember that dress she left behind at your place, Rarity?”
“Yes! Well!” Rarity says, seeming not to have heard me. “Surely you can find something to do together, yes?” She casts her magic over Lyra again and nearly throws her body at me, causing me to trip over the hem of my tuxedo pants and fall into a muddy puddle.
Rarity gasps for one minute straight before shoving her face into mine.
“Go to Twilight’s immediately and soak these pants in lukewarm water! I’ll be over soon with the appropriate solvent!” With that she gallops away.
Again I look at Lyra, who now stands over me.
“You don’t need to come with me when I clean my pants,” I say.
“No that’s alright, I’ll come with.”
“Uhm. Thanks,” I say, looking around for help I know will never come.
-
Twilight opens the library door for us as though she had been waiting, watching through the window.
“So how’d your lunch date go?” she asks immediately. I brush past her, more excited about washing Rarity’s pants than recanting lunch.
Hot pink magic surrounds me and I can’t move my body anymore. Stupid master race.
Twilight trots smugly into view. “Hold on now, Jake. Somepony else is curious about it too.”
“That’s right,” a pony says from beside the front door. It’s BonBon, and she is not smiling. Lyra shivers as she looks at her. “How’d the date go?”
Lyra gulps and looks at me. I rub my eyes.
“It was fine, okay?” I tell them. All three of them grin; I leave the room.
“Don’t forget you have a dinner date tomorrow!” BonBon calls after me.
I had already forgotten about the dinner date. I trudge back to the library.
“Six o’clock, sharp,” BonBon adds. “And if you don’t show, you two will be spending quite a bit of time together regardless. Twilight will make sure of that.”
BonBon nods at Twilight, who snickers behind her hoof.
“Come on, now, Lyra,” BonBon says, flipping her tail as she turns to leave. “We gotta get ready for Rainbow Dash’s party. Could you help me with some of my homemade candies?”
“Of course, BonBon,” Lyra responds, following her out the door. “Bye, Jake,” she says softly.
I watch her go. “What did BonBon mean, Twilight?” I ask, the hair on my arms raising.
She laughs again as she closes the door. “Let’s just say that if you don’t show up tomorrow, you’ll be able to run follow-up studies on how BonBon’s insides compare to Pinkie Pie’s!”
I feel the blood run from my cheeks. Actually, I get kind of dizzy.
Twilight stops in front of me and giggles. “On a related note, I do have a bit of an experiment I would like to run first. You see, Pinkie observed that you and I were ‘delicious’, so I was wondering-”
But her hypothesis is muffled, and my vision fails as I sink to the floor.
___
On the Geosynchronous Space Station
Assilryn stands monitoring the contents of a small container. The contents - a small orphan girl - sit suspended in a liquid. The girl’s DNA has been infused with DNA from a mutated marine iguana. The aliens Assilryn works for hope the tiny girl will one day reach 400 feet tall and wield devastating claws and blood red eyes.
Already the girl shows signs of a growing a tail, and the skin on her shoulders has grown hard and scaly. The scientist gazes at her, sighing. A pulsing blue light on the switchboard in front of her catches her eye. She flips the switch beside it, opening the channel. A hologram of her father appears.
“It is time to recall Subject B of experiment 182305, Doctor,” he says, cooly and analytically. “Put him in stasis until I decide what should be done with him. Ataljin out.”
The hologram vanishes before Assilryn can respond.
“Put him in stasis?” she says to herself, her voice quivering. “That must mean he’s having trouble choosing which horrible fate he wants for Subject B.”
She looks again to the orphan girl, then moves toward a nearby viewport. A watery and green planet floated in the space outside.
“I hope you enjoy your last day there, Jake,” she whispers, “because your future looks grim.”
___
Back in the library
My brain registers the bright light behind my eyelids. A large red shape moves in front of my eyes, and I open them to see what it is.
“Are you okay, Jake?” Twilight asks, still smiling. “You passed out when I joked about taste testing you.”
I sit up, realizing Twilight has moved me to my bed.
“You were out for a while, but don’t worry. The party has been slightly postponed,” she says, looking over me and out the window. “Cheese Sandwich is here, you see, and Pinkie Pie just challenged him to a goof-off. I just came back here for my copy of the official goof-off rules.”
“Cheese Sandwich?” I ask. Twilight turns and heads to the door.
“He’s this super party planner. I really gotta go, Jake,” she shouts from the other room. “Glad you’re feeling better!”
Then I hear the front door open, but instead of the slam it makes when closed, there’s a loud thud in the library.
“Twilight?” I call, getting up.
In the library, Twilight lies on her back, pinned down by BonBon.
“Twilight!” she cries. “Thank goodness. I don’t know how she did it, but you have to come quick!”
“How who did what?” Twilight asks, bewildered.
BonBon steps off her and trots toward me. “You stay here, human. It’s all your fault for encouraging her!”
“What’s my fault?” I ask, regretting returning to consciousness.
“What’s going on, BonBon?” Twilight asks.
BonBon looks between us, and I catch her bottom lip trembling. “It’s Lyra,” she says. “She’s made herself into a human!”
-
I seem to float to Lyra’s house, devoid of any feeling in my legs. She’s there sitting on the front step, her human fingers plucking the strings of a harp.
“What are you doing out here?!” BonBon cries. “Didn’t I tell you to wait inside?!”
She tries to shove Lyra through the front door but finds she can’t due to Lyra’s new size advantage. “Come on, BonBon, nopony is freaking out but you. In fact I already explained it to some ponies who saw me while you were gone.”
“Can’t you just do what I say?!”
“Relax, BonBon!” Lyra says.
Twilight trots over to her, examining her new body. She looks just like the Lyra in that movie. “How did you do this?” she asks.
“Zecora gave me a potion,” Lyra explains, strumming the harp. Twilight watches amazed, then steps back beside me.
“No fair,” she mutters. “Those were a nightmare for me to figure out.” She clears her throat. “Did Zecora say how long the effects of the potion would last?”
Lyra looks off for a moment. We all wait in silence. Her cheeks redden and she looks back at Twilight. “I guess my mind was somewhere else when she explained it,” she says, the toe of her shoe digging into the ground. “I’m sure it won’t last long, though!”
“You’re just guessing!” BonBon cries, stamping her hoof.
Lyra looks to the side, setting her harp down. Her arms cross over her knees, making a nest for her head. I groan at a fluttering feeling in my chest.
“I suppose you want to hang out with me during the party?” I ask the green human. Her face lights up before she blushes and looks away nodding furiously.
“Wow,” BonBon says, rolling her eyes. “You’re a human now and you’re still shy around him.”
___
Hours later, during the party.
Lyra and I have been enjoying the festivities. Pinkie Pie, and that pony named Cheese Sandwich seem to have come to some sort of agreement or something and they both worked on the party. There’s all sorts of food, once again, thank goodness for their omnivorous nature. There’s plenty of games and such as well, it’s almost like a carnival rolled in just for Rainbow Dash’s birthday.
“Here’s your present, Dash,” I say, handing her the gift, stifling my urge to snicker.
Dash tears it open and is paralyzed at the sight of the dress.
“Y-you shouldn’t have…” she says, placing the gift with the others she’s opened. She picks up another unopened one. “Thanks for making me remember that,” she mutters.
The birthday bash Pinkie Pie and this Cheese Sandwich pony threw is almost like a carnival rolled in just for Rainbow Dash, and Lyra and I have been enjoying the festivities. We’re too big for most of the rides, but with the advantage of our human bodies we’ve won nearly all the games. We walk away from the crowds, our arms full of prizes and birthday cake.
The sky is orange as the sun sets, and the music from the party buzzes faintly around us. Lyra picks a nice tree and we sit beneath it, evaluating our haul.
“I’m going to keep all of these toys forever,” Lyra says, tearing up as she caressed her stuffed animals.
I sit back and take a bite of my cake. It’s very sweet, clearly not rainbow flavored - though the color of the cake would have you believe otherwise. It’s very good cake, but there’s a pain in the back of my head which keeps me from fully enjoying it. The hairs on my arms rise.
Lyra turns to me and says something, but I can’t hear it. She becomes blurry as a fire seems to ignite in my brain. I throw the cake involuntarily, suddenly wracked with a colossal pain. I look to Lyra again and I can see she’s screaming, though I only hear thick static.
I raise my hands to cradle my head, but stop with them in front of my face. Prismatic electricity is arcing up and down my skin. I watch my fingertips disintegrate, my fingers, my arms.
I cry out one last time before I disappear.
-
Dear Diary,
It’s been a few days since it happened, and only now do I find the strength to write about it. I couldn’t even dictate to Spike; it wouldn’t feel right. It’s my responsibility to fill you in on how everypony has coped with losing Jake.
My friends have taken this in their own ways. Rainbow Dash’s birthday was of course ruined. Now she changes the subject whenever it’s brought up. Applejack is pretty similar in that regard. They’d rather not talk about it.
Pinkie Pie has tried to keep us all in good spirits, but it’s clear she’s having trouble keeping herself happy. Her mane is slightly deflated, and she’s been messing up orders for the Cakes, I hear. Fluttershy has taken it hard too. She’s still begging Discord to bring Jake back, and he can’t seem to convince her that it’s not possible.
Rarity doesn’t come out of her boutique much. When I’ve visited her, her mane has been messy and she hasn’t worn makeup. She’s also gained weight from eating so much ice cream.
The Princesses invited Silhouette and Shade to move into the castle in Canterlot. Though Jake’s disappearance has been hard on Luna too, she has some experience coping with loss and has been attempting to help them. However, I hear from the Princesses that she’s been causing real trouble for Luna. Luna can hardly get Shade to listen to her, and it seems she is inconsolable. I think Shade has taken it the hardest out of all of us, having lost the first pon-person she ever truly met.
BonBon visited the library yesterday, and apparently she’s gotten Lyra to start eating again. The night he disappeared, Lyra entered a catatonic state. BonBon tells me she sits in her room all day, twitching and gazing blankly at her favorite photo of Jake.
Then there’s me.
I look away from the diary. The rest of my desk is covered in spell books, and ancient scrolls stretch from the desk to the floor and across the room. Some of them are crumpled in spots, from some of my bouts of frustration. I haven’t found anything that can bring him back. But-
I haven’t given up. I know he’s still out there. After all, he did explain to me how he got here in the first place. There must be a spell that can replicate that instance. I need to find it, for all of us.
For now I’m searching on my own. The Princesses are occupied and Discord’s unhelpful as always. It’s okay, though; I’d rather keep my findings secret until I know I can get him back. I don’t want to get anypony’s hopes up for nothing.
There’s also some part of me that welcomes this burden, because it feels this is all my fault. But I can’t let that get to me now. I do feel better just having gotten all this off my chest.
The Crusaders will be here soon for “Twilight Time”, which I’m sure will be a good distraction. I think I can fit in some more research before they arrive, though, so I’ll end this passage here.
Wish me luck,
Twilight