//------------------------------// // Broken // Story: Live a Little // by Astrocity //------------------------------// Passing towns. Fleeting scenery. My eyes stare back at me in the reflection of the window. Where am I going? To what parts of the world am I accelerating towards? I’m changing, but into what? I have a feeling the answer to my questions lie with the ponies I’m traveling with. “We’re almost there, Goldie,” Rainbow Dash says. My eyes leave the window for only a moment before going back to gazing outside. “Come on! Be excited!” she says, nudging my shoulder. “This is a Wonderbolts show, not a funeral. Do you know what I went through to get these tickets? I worked my butt off!” “I’m sure she’s just anxious,” Fluttershy says. “I would be too if this was my first time going.” Today, she brought a coin purse that she can wear around her neck without the cumbersome weight of her usual saddlebags. Even Rainbow Dash has her own Wonderbolt themed bags for such an occasion. A blue face joins me by the window. “That’s our hometown—Cloudsdale. Up there.” She points to the floating cumulus city afar. Then her hoof points lower where a town resides on the ground under the city’s shadow. “We’ll be heading towards Lower Cloudsdale.” I stare at the city and then frown. It’s one thing to have a city in the sky. But having a city beneath it? Isn't it kind of dangerous if a pegasus drops something from the sky? I can only hope no one is keeping a piano in their cloud home. Noticing my look, Rainbow Dash gives me a nudge. “You didn’t think Cloudsdale was just made of pegasi, did you?” She laughs. The whistle blows and the train lurches to a stop. When we get off, there is a bustling crowd at the station. There are ponies entering and leaving, and I am overwhelmed by the sheer number. More ponies than I've seen at Ponyville’s train station. “I guess a lot of ponies are here for the show,” Fluttershy says, pointing out a passing group of ponies wearing blue and yellow facepaint. Among the crowd of ponies coming today, I move cautiously, shoulders hunched and eyes on the ground to avoid drawing attention. I stick close to my living tour guides as we walk through the crowds of ponies. Every now and then, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash would reminisce and talk about an old memory of their hometown. Eating at a corner cafe. Shopping at a local market. Living on the clouds above us where all their friends and family are. Watching them make different faces and emotions while they bask in childhood nostalgia has me feeling left out. What do I have to do to be like them? A bump to my flank brings my attention to Rainbow Dash. “Stick close to us, Goldie. We don't wanna lose you.” I nod, and my legs pick up the pace. Fastest pegasus or not, she could at least slow down for me. We stop in front of a stadium, the tallest structure in the city, not counting the ones in the sky. “Welcome to LC’s stadium! It's one of the biggest stadiums in Equestria that allows both pegasi and non-pegasi,” Rainbow says to me. It is very large. I'm pretty sure you can fit Ponyville in this place, not counting the apple orchards of course. The best part about it is that I don't need wings to get in or worry about falling through any cloud floors. “Come on! I want to look around before the show starts,” Rainbow says, taking the lead in front of me and Fluttershy. There's posters of the stunt fliers on hanging banners. Their faces are everywhere, even on the merchandise. Lots of families are here, parents and foals enjoying themselves. “My dad took me here as a kid whenever the Wonderbolts were performing, and I've watched all their shows,” Rainbow Dash says proudly. “Sometimes, she and her dad would take me too,” Fluttershy tells me and then smiles. “Of course, they had to convince my parents to let me go.” “And it wasn’t easy either!” Rainbow Dash adds. She shifts her tone to something higher and softer. “‘Please have Fluttershy home by sundown and make sure she doesn't drink any soda too fast, otherwise she gets gassy.’ Right, Fluttershy?” Said pegasus is now looking like a ripe tomato. “Right…” she mumbles. “Mom said that…” I think it's rather adorable Fluttershy’s mother cares about her so much. We stop by the gift shop and look around. While checking out a pair of goggles, Rainbow asks me, “Want a souvenir, Goldie? I'm buying.” I shake my head, choosing to stand in the middle of store and watch. A blue hoof around my shoulder leads me to shelf of Wonderbolt apparel. “Aw, at least get something. These are the Wonderbolts.” Internally rolling my eyes, I pick a blue cap from the shelf with a Wonderbolt insignia branded on the front. “That's all?” she asks. I nod. While Rainbow pays, I put on my new hat, squashing my long golden mane under it. My bangs block my vision, and it takes some adjustment to get my mane right. I stop by a display mirror to see the new look. “Well, that looks nice, Goldie,” Fluttershy says, coming up next to me in my reflection. The corners of my lips twitch slightly. “Thanks.” “I say we check out the food court and then—” An approaching set of heavy hoofsteps alert us to a group of grown stallions. They're all pegasi, maybe as big as Big Macintosh, except they don't have any of his gentle features. The unpleasant sneer isn't doing them any favors either. “Well, if it isn't Rainbow Crash,” the stallion with the basketball cutie mark says. A grimace forms on Rainbow’s face, a complete opposite from her earlier mood. “Ugh, not them. Not here of all places,” she groans under her breath. “What do you want, Hoops?” He puts a hoof around her shoulders and gives an uncomfortable squeeze. “Can't some old flight camp buddies say hi to their pals?” She bats his hoof away. “We’re not buddies, and we're not pals.” “Fair enough. I see you also brought Klutzershy.” I watch as Fluttershy shrivels under the attention. My body moves on its own as I step between her and them, feeling terrified on the inside. “And who is this? Another one of your lame-o friends?” He takes one glance at me and nudges one of his buddies. I can feel their probing eyes on me. They make a casual saunter towards me, but they may as well have been sharks circling their new prey as they surround me. “What’s with the bandages, toots? Run into Rainbow Crash too many times?” “Her name is Goldie!” Rainbow shouts. “Goldie, huh?” He lays a hoof across my withers and gives me a grin. “How about you ditch those two and we show you how to have a good time?” I watch from the corner of my eyes as Rainbow Dash gives an angry snort, looking ready to charge in and knock this stallion’s lights out. But the blow never comes. A yellow hoof touches her shoulder, keeping her in place. Fluttershy steps next to me. There is a new look on her face, a hint of confidence and courage among the usual gentle timidness. “Um, could you please leave her alone?” she asks. “Or you'll what?” They lock gazes, and for a moment, the stallion looks nervous, almost petrified by her stare. But the effect vanishes when her eyes drift away and hides behind the safety of her mane. The stallion returns to his smug expression. “That's what I thought. Let’s go, boys.” The trio leaves, off to other parts of the stadium and leaving behind a fuming Rainbow Dash. She flies up to Fluttershy. “Why’d you stop me?!” she shouts. “I didn't want you to miss the show. It would have been a problem if you got kicked out for starting a fight.” Fluttershy moves the strand of mane covering her face. “Besides,” she says, “I’d like to solve things peacefully if possible.” Rainbow lets out a frustrated groan before giving a heavy sigh. “Fine. Whatever. But next time, if it does happen again, I'm not going to just sit and watch. We’re Flight Camp buddies. That means we stick together. Got it?” Fluttershy nods, and a small grin comes out from hiding. “Of course.” “Alright. You coming, Goldie?” I give one more glance in the direction of those stallions, trying to make sense of a strange new feeling in me, before absently nodding. When we enter the show area, we hear the roar of crowds. Hundreds of ponies all coming to watch the performance. Our seats are in the front at the bottom of the stairs where we can see everything—just perks of being friends with a Wonderbolts fan. “Carrot dog here! Get your carrot dogs !” a vendor shouts. “Oh! Right here!” Rainbow Dash shouts back. “Hang tight, I'll get us something to eat.” She walks over to vendor and comes back with three carrot dogs. Fluttershy takes one, but when she offers another to me, I decline. “Not…hungry,” I say. “You sure?” Rainbow asks. I nod. “Well, alright. More for me then.” A voice is projected from the speakers, a stallion speaking some garbled words that are incomprehensible by the static and the noise of the crowd. Rainbow Dash sits with barely contained excitement. “It’s about to about to start!” She’s practically bouncing in her seat. Finally, we hear another roar coming from above and getting louder and closer. A trail of smoke appears in the sky behind a group of pegasi, all donning a blue suit. Flying in a uniform line, they circle above the stadium of cheering ponies. So, these are the Wonderbolts. They head towards the center and split off to the edge of the stadium, rolling into loops and then spinning as they climb. Hundreds of ponies throw their hooves in the air, trying to catch the tailwind. In all of this Rainbow Dash shouts out the names of the maneuvers—stall turn, tailslide, Aileron roll. She's sitting on the edge of her seat as she cheers on the flyers. “Whoo hoo! Yeah, Spitfire! Go Wonderbolts!” The Wonderbolts speed towards the center again, and just when it looked like they were going to collide with each other, they all pull up at the same time. Electricity arcs in their contrails until finally bursting into a massive fireball behind them as they reach their peak and split off, creating a fiery red flower to light the sky. In that single moment, my eyes are not on the show. They're on the mare watching the show. Caught between watching the show and blinking, Fluttershy’s face takes on a look of pure joy—eyes closed, like a little filly feeling the sun on her face for the first time after spending years of hiding in the safety of her room. Her face lights up like fireworks. From where we sit, we can feel the heat on our cheeks. I wish everything can stay frozen like this. I’d keep this part of my memory locked and shut in my heart for my eyes only. You and I know things can't stay this way. When the time comes, can you say it, Goldie? Can you say goodbye? The mood is ruined by the voice in my head, and my heart is heavy like a lead weight in my chest cavity. I don't want to say goodbye. Why can't things just stay? Everyone’s cheers reach screaming volumes as they stand up and cheer and stomp their hooves, while my ears are ringing as I ignore the voice in my head. “Wasn’t that just awesome?!” Rainbow asks me. “Did you see the way they came close to hitting each other? It was like whoosh and then boom! But then…” I nod and smile forcefully as Rainbow Dash delves deeper into her descriptive retelling of the past few minutes. To be honest, my mind isn't there right now. I'm still trying to work out some future anxieties and the possibility of psychosis added on to my list of growing concerns. At some point, Rainbow Dash must have finished her narrative of the performance because she's now asking me something. “What did you think, Goldie?” My stare is on the empty space in the sky where the Wonderbolts flew. “I like…pretty fireworks,” I say. She chuckles. “Yeah, I knew you would. Glad I took you here, right?” I nod. It’s the intermission now. Fluttershy stands up beside me. “Do any of you want snacks?” she asks. “Oh, get me nachos and a drink,” Rainbow says. “And for you, Goldie?” I shake my head. “Nothing. I'm good.” “Be right back,” she says as she squeezes past other spectators. With Fluttershy gone, Rainbow Dash strikes up a small talk. “Say, Goldie?” I look at her. “Thanks again for coming.” I tilt my head. I don't know why my presence would make this event any better. If anything, she should've brought someone more enthusiastic about this than me, a pony she just met a few days ago. “No, really. You're pretty cool, Goldie, and I don't mean just today. I mean for sticking with Fluttershy.” “Fluttershy?” She nods and leans in closer to be heard. “It may not seem like much, but you being Fluttershy’s friend means a lot to her. It’s not that she doesn't have many friends. It just takes a lot for her to be this open around anyone else. It means she really trusts you.” Trust? Me? If anything, I'm the one who put all the trust on her. When we first met, I hardly knew a thing about this mare. She could have screamed, run away, or just tried to put an end to me. But instead, she listened and talked. Looking back, I guess I got lucky with her. A voice from the announcer rings across the stadium: “And now it's time to see who’s the fastest in today's derby!” “What's taking her so long?” Rainbow Dash wonders aloud. When Fluttershy finally shows up, she comes back empty. Her eyes are red. Her cheeks are damp. She's been crying. No doubt Rainbow Dash is as concerned as I am. She wants to say something without bringing up anything uncomfortable. How does one tread around eggshells while trying to get to the root of the problem? “You okay, Fluttershy?” Rainbow asks. Fluttershy doesn't meet her gaze or mine. “Yeah… Just something in my eyes,” she says while rubbing them with a hoof. Her hoof also comes back damp. “Bits…” I say. She's missing her coin pouch, the one she carries around her neck. She holds a hoof to her chest, trying to feel for the pouch. “Oh… I must have accidentally dropped it,” she says. “We can go find it!” Rainbow Dash says. “Wait here, I'll just be quick about it!” Rainbow starts to get up, but Fluttershy’s hoof on her shoulder keeps her in her seat. “The show is about to start. You'll miss it,” she says. She forces a grin on her face. “Besides, it's only a few bits. So don't worry.” Rainbow Dash looks at her for a long time before sitting down. “If that's what you want…” I get up, my sudden movement startling the two. “Restroom…” I say. Rainbow frowns. “You should have gone before.” “Didn't have to go then.” She glances at Fluttershy and then at me. “Well, get back quick! Do you know the way?” “I'll be fine,” I reply. I shuffle pass ponies in our row before finally getting to the stairs and trotting up. The restrooms aren't hard to find. I make it to the filly’s room, but I don't step in. I physically can't go with this body. And even if I can, it's not why I'm here. I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash. I lied. I look through the crowds until I see the stallions I'm looking for by a concession stand. I even see Fluttershy’s coin purse in Hoops’s grasp. They're all holding a lot of food, the kind of junk that’s a nightmare for arteries. As I get closer, I can make out what they're saying. “Lucky for us that Klutzershy dropped her money,” I hear Hoops says. “Food and drinks on her!” another cheers. The group of stallions is getting closer, but they're not the ones moving. Instead, I realize I am the one running and with newfound athletic focus. My body twists around, and my rear legs connect with Hoops’s face in a way that would make an apple farmer proud. There is a startled yelp, as I send the stallion flying, scattering popcorn, cotton candy, and carrot dogs and whatnots all over the concrete floor. Brought on by some animalistic fervor, I am moving faster than my usual sluggish pace and acting on instinct. I pounce towards one of the others and pin him. He struggles against my hold. His punches feel like tiny taps to my chest. “Get off!” His words are muffled by the background screams and shouts that are nothing but white noise to me. I bite into his neck, his ear, his face—any place that is unguarded. Not enough to tear away flesh, but enough to graze the surface. There is the sound of snapping teeth as I bite and miss.Something warm touches my tongue and lips, that iron tang of liquid life. Like a feral pony, I lose any restraint and just beat him up with nothing to gain from it other than to satisfy a heated urge. “Stop! Whatever I did, I'm sorry!” The stallion underneath starts bawling. I pause for a moment. A body throws itself on my back, and I buck wildly until the back of my head butts someone’s nose, freeing me to continue my assault. The thunder of approaching hooves alert me to a group of ponies in blue uniform, all carrying cuffs and blowing whistles. Hoops and his other pal are on me again, trying to pry me off this screaming stallion. We’ve garnered the attention of every mare, stallion, and child within earshot of us. Cops and paramedics are already squeezing through the crowd. I run, throwing the other two stallions off me and bowling over anyone who gets in my way. Startled mares and foals shriek as I run by, and I can feel the bandages unraveling and ripping at the pace I'm going. I don't know where I'm going. I'm charging through merchandise stalls and concession stands like an angry bull without a care to myself or anything else. A banner gets caught on my leg and brings an entire rack of Wonderbolt paraphernalia with it. I head towards the exit, jumping over the turnstile and lodging the junk behind me into it, and keep running. There are a lot of strange looks toward me, a mare running through the city with no clue where she's going except anywhere but back there. There is an alley between a diner and a bookstore, and I dive through. My speed drops dramatically as I plod along. Traveling along the wall, I take woozy, weary steps like a pony who’s had one too many sips of wine. I feel unwell, a rare feeling given my abnormal circumstances. The burst of emotion from before has settled into my stomach, kicking like a baby, and it wants to get out. The wretched sound of heaving leaves me as I empty my contents against the wall. Everything I’ve ever consumed comes out the way it came in, barely digested and left in a chewed-up mush. It's not a pretty sight. I give an uneasy glance at the opening of the alley before hobbling towards the nearest dumpster. It's not the best spot to hide in, but I don't have much of a choice. Hiding under a bag of rotten hayburgers and spoiled fries, I wait. For a moment, everything is quiet, except for the sound of buzzing flies. The sound of hoofsteps occasionally passes. To make things worse, I think my flank is sitting in melted cheese. A door opens nearby, and I freeze thinking it’s one of the ponies looking for me. But it isn't. It's a low wage diner employee coming to dump more garbage and gripe about her job under her breath. She doesn't even notice me as she opens the dumpster and chucks the bag into my face. The dumpster lid slams on my head with a resounding thud. I kind of deserve that. What was I thinking? The answer is that I wasn't. Guided by my hot emotions, I just hurt those stallions. When the one I pinned begged for me to stop, I blinked. I'm not even sure if he did anything. But it took only a second for me to quell my screaming conscience and harden myself into a state of moral numbness. It's so easy, yet so terrifying. Being a creature of emotion is too burdensome. It was much simpler before, when there was nothing to worry or think about. After waiting quietly for some time, I toss the garbage bags weighing on me out of the dumpster before stumbling out. Finally, all those heavy emotions hanging over my fragile brain falls. My knees buckle under the weight. The light rain has collected into a puddle in front of me. Among the tiny ripples on the surface, my face stares back at me, looking a little worse for wear. If I was alive, I'd probably end up with more than a few bruises. I've also lost my hat, the one Rainbow got me. My lips are still stained red of someone’s blood. I left those guys in such a mess at the stadium. Nothing permanent, hopefully. If there was one thing to conclude from my actions today, it would be this: I did that. I hurt those ponies. I am a terrible pony. Splashing dirty rain water on my face, I try to scrub off the blood and grease. Eventually, I sit against the dumpster and press my forehead against the cool metal. Leaning back against the wall, I just sit there. I've never felt so much like a corpse before. My head droops down, feeling the blood settle to the bottom of my body like a shaken snowglobe. The rain has already extinguished whatever flame of emotion I had left. My mind is caught in tumultuous waves—straining at the oars against the crashing waves, going nowhere despite my efforts. It capsizes and sinks, leaving a sensation of falling. I am hurtling towards the earth like a bird with a broken wing, and looking up with panic-filled eyes is Fluttershy. Her lips move, forming syllables into a single word. “Goldie?” her voice calls. It's very calming. A yellow figure steps into my vision. “Goldie, is that you?” I look up, and it’s Fluttershy. The real Fluttershy. She stares at me with worried eyes. Her mane and coat are damp from the rain, just like mine. I don’t move. I don’t speak. I stay behind the garbage like a poor, abandoned animal. It’s a wonder how she even found me. How long was I gone for? I only give a slow blink to show I'm not completely dead. “You scared me,” she says, trotting closer. “Rainbow and I didn’t know where you went, and you just kind of vanished. We got worried so we started looking for you.” She stops in front of me. “Rainbow's probably flying around the stadium, still looking.” My eyes fall to her hooves because I can't meet hers. She joins me by the dumpster and sits down. For a moment, we are silent. “Are you okay?” she asks me. I can feel her gaze on my dirtied face. Is there anything more absurd than a pony comforting a zombie? Why did I have to get involved? Why couldn't I keep my emotion in check? She purses her lips. “I kind of heard what happened,” she says quietly, and I freeze. She knows. “Um, did you hurt those ponies?” she asks. Finally, she asks the question. This is the low point in my life, beyond dying that is. Why did it have to be her to find me of all ponies? I don't want her to see me like this. In that one moment of poor judgment when I marched up to those stallions, all I could think of was Fluttershy. Taking all this bullying and putting on a brave face. I'm worried about what will happen to her. Will she strip away the fleshy emotions and leave behind a hardened skeletal husk? Or will she crumble to pieces simply because a pony like her can't exist? Everyday the world grows a little more cynical, where ponies become a little more indifferent to things around them that once meant something to them. I'm trying very hard to care while protecting Fluttershy, but it's hard. All it took was one moment—just one moment—for all my hard work to fall apart. This isn't progress. This isn't any of the kindness Fluttershy has shown me. I've taken a step in the wrong direction, and now I find myself lost. If I can't be as kind or as brave as Fluttershy, then who am I supposed to become? But I can't think straight right now. I'm too tired to think of consequences or morality, right or wrong. To Fluttershy’s question, my head miserably moves up and down. I finally gaze at her, feeling disappointed in myself and afraid what she might think of me. My eyes burn in their sockets, trying to will tears into existence. She lets out a sigh, the kind given by a disappointed mother to a scolded child. “I'm not mad…” she says to my surprise, but then adds, “Well, not entirely. I can put together what happened.” She shifts uncomfortably on the bag of garbage she's sitting on. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shake my head. The hairs on my neck stiffen when a feathery wing brushes against it before resting over my withers. She doesn't say anything, but that's fine. Her silence speaks louder than any words of comfort as we listen to the pattering of rain. I press my face against her chest, listening to her soothing heartbeat. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. In what way have I earned her undeserved kindness? When we have sat in garbage for a long while, she stands up. “Let's go find Rainbow Dash. She must be worried sick by now,” she says. I nod my head, and it takes me a few tries to stand up. She extends a hoof for me to pull myself up. I trot forward at a snail’s pace, barely steady on my own hooves as if relearning how to walk again. Despite my slow pace, Fluttershy remains by my side, and I stick closely to her as if she's my life preserver. We find Rainbow Dash at the front entrance to the stadium. She almost immediately bolts towards us as soon as she sees us. She looks a bit worried. “Do you two have any idea how long I've been looking for you?” She wrinkles her nose. “And why do you smell like you just rolled around in a trashcan?” Fluttershy flicks her eyes towards her and then back to me briefly. “I'll explain later…” I am cowering and shaking under her slim frame, only glancing out under the cover of her long mane. Even in my worst time, she watches over me like a kind guardian when I should be the one watching over her. “We should leave right now,” Fluttershy says. I give Rainbow Dash a pair of pleading eyes, unable to form words despite my growing diction before. Picking up on our urgency, Rainbow Dash nods without question, and we leave the place as quickly as we can. No doubt I'm not welcomed here at the moment. I never asked to be here. I didn't have a choice of being alive or a zombie or whatever the flying feather I am. I got saddled with this existence. Memoryless and emotionally stunted—I'm just a broken pony. And what I hate most is that I've hurt someone intentionally. It’s funny, not in a humorous sense but rather in an absurd realization, how happiness can end in an instant. We spend all our lives seeking happiness, no matter how small, only for it to slip between our grasps and look for it again. And I can't help but wonder if we’re fools for trying or just optimistic. ~~~~~~~ It is night, and at some point, the rain has stopped. We are on the last train to Ponyville, and we are all exhausted. There isn't anyone else in the same train car as us, most likely due to the awful smell coming from us. Even Rainbow Dash has her limits as she sits at the opposite end of the train from us. She’s snoring away, no doubt tired from today. Fluttershy and I share a seat. I have the window seat again. It’s pretty dark outside. Mostly, I just see the reflection from the inside of the car. Fluttershy has her eyes closed as she lets out a breath. My lips tremble as a word hovers between the threshold of my mouth. “I'm…sorry,” I finally say in my broken diction. My eyes stare at the sky. The moon is hidden behind a blanket of clouds. “I'm sorry.” Fluttershy opens her eyes and turns to me. There is a pause as she considers her next words. “It’s normal to feel that way,” she says, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Being sad or angry is all part of being a pony.” “Then…why?” I ask. “Why… No fight?” Her lips form a thin line. It’s hard to tell what kind of expression she’s making in the reflection. “I don't know,” she says. “I guess I'm scared.” I stare intently at the mare in the window, waiting for her to continue. She lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m scared of what other ponies will say or do to me. And deep down, I'm scared of myself. I don't realize how scary I can be when I’m upset, and I'm scared that I'll end up hurting my friends.” I slowly turn my head and catch Fluttershy in the midst of hiding her tears, trying desperately to wipe them. “It’s just so frustrating holding it in sometimes.” My eyes stare at her, lips fighting for the words. “Why…do we have to be scared?” “What?” she asks, sniffling. “Why do we have to hide our feelings?” I continue. It's strange how sometimes we have a need to hide our own feelings, walling off other ponies in a moment of weakness or helplessness. We built these walls so high that overcoming them has become arduous. Trapped in our own cage, we are eaten alive by feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing. It was our own doing that we hid our true feelings away. We hold it in until we can't hold it in anymore, and we have only ourselves to blame for it. How is it that we even manage to find ways of hurting ourselves? I turn back to the window. The stars swirl in my eyes as they refocus. “Why do we do these terrible things to ourselves?” I ask. The words coming out of my mouth are slowing down, like brakes put on a moving train. “Can't hold it in forever… What are we…supposed to…do? Only the sound of the train’s wheels and Rainbow’s snores can be heard. “I don't know, Goldie,” Fluttershy finally says. “I don't know…” She sneezes and begins to sniffle. Her fur still feels damp as she leans against my side. She’s shivering from the cold. It doesn't help that I'm perpetually room temperature, otherwise I would've warmed her up. I want to apologize for everything, and I mean everything. But saying sorry just isn't enough. How do I fix this? I'm left silent without any way to fix the somber mood. I watch the scenery crawl by. Passing towns begin to darken as the lights go out one by one. I am going to dark unknown parts where abstract concepts like kindness are put to the test. It hurts inside, but I want it to hurt. I can't ignore it and forget it's there. It's no different than being dead. I have to hold onto this feeling and bear with the good and the bad, while finding the pony I want to be. If living is an exercise in agony, then maybe to keep on living means to find meaning among the suffering and agony.