dC/dt ≠ 0

by I Thought I Was Toast


In Which, Nothing of Note Happens (Morpheus) Part 2

Oh, horseapples. I didn’t mean to say that part out loud. Ve simply got caught up in the recollection. Please, please, please, please, cut that from the record. Twilight doesn’t know about that whole fiasco, and ve would prefer to keep it that way. Ve mean, it’s not likely to make a difference now that we’re together, but there’s still the slightest chance she’ll freak out—well, that or she’ll get mad and hit me for taking advantage of the situation.

Regardless, it’s for the best that you redact that information. Now, where were ve? I think I was about to pull up the memories on my epic quest to retrieve dinner.

I felt bad for leaving Twilight, but it was getting late, and I was getting really hungry. Luckily, my target was in sight, and I’d hopefully be getting back soon. As long as I made it back with some food before she woke up, all could be forgiven.

The doors to the kitchen snapped open as I marched in. There may have been the slightest saunter to my step, but for the most part I kept up the rigid discipline of the guard I had disguised myself as.

Really, I’d just added just a smidgen more muscle to Quick Wit, and cropped the tail and mane to regulation length. The armor was harder to emulate, but not in the way I would have expected.

It actually had nothing to do with acquiring the proper density and texture. Rather ve had to constantly run several calculations in the background to manage issues with conduction between the plates of chitin acting as armor versus those acting as skin. Metal armor was supposed to be cooler to the touch than skin, after all.

Regardless, I cut quite the figure in my current guise—which I had donned less for the admiring stares and more to avoid indirectly antagonizing the guards—and I was feeling just slightly cocky for having just strolled through a decent portion of the palace without incident. Nopony had questioned me in the slightest.

“Ahem!” I coughed loudly and clearly to draw the attention of the chefs doting the kitchens. “I apologize for the intrusion sirs and madams, but I am here on a mission of utmost importance. Princess Twilight Sparkle was, unfortunately, unable to make it to the dining hall for dinner, and is now requesting food for her and Prince Morpheus to be delivered to their rooms. If you would be so kind as to supply me with several meals, I will deliver them to Their Royal Highnesses.”

“You hear that, ladies?!” A short, portly, onyx crystal pony with a shoulder-length, topaz, mane shouted. “We got ourselves a royal order! Kick those flanks into high gear or I’ll kick them for you!”

She turned to me, apron swinging as she adjusted her chef’s hat to a jaunty angle. “The food will only take a minute, sir. Please wait by the door.”

Still beaming, she turned back to the others. “You hear that, slackers?! You have less than a minute now! Clock is ticking, and it better not be burnt black as my behind this time!”

The giggling gaggle of mares began to hustle just a little faster. Knives thunked as they cleanly split vegetables, salad tossers clicked and clacked as they mixed fresh greens with a creamy dressing, and spoons spun round as they churned cream cheese together with spices and herbs.

“So that’s one of Princess Twilight’s guards? Not exactly the hunks we usually get.”

“You kidding? He probably makes up for it with flexibility or something. I bet his hooves can reach all the right places.”

“Think he’s good with a ‘spear?’”

“Probably. I mean, he is a guard.”

“No. I mean—”

“I know what you meant. It doesn’t change my answer, though.”

“Teehee! I think he heard you. I saw his ear flick.”

“Good! That just means he’ll hear me when I say I’d totally hit that. What about you girls?”

The giggling increased tenfold as several furtive glances were sent my way. I arched an eyebrow in response, causing most to turn away. The others just winked and began to whistle as they worked.

Finally, the head chef stomped a hoof at the spectacle. “Well, well! If you all have time to stare, then you all must be ahead of the game! Show me what you slackers got, and, if the food isn’t as hot and delicious as the guard you’re all gawking at, then there’s going to be Tartarus to pay!”

A giant tray laden with sandwiches and a large bowl of salad was set before me.

“Roasted tomato and squash sandwiches on spicy tuskan bread with a cream cheese spread? Is that all?! You better have put your all in the salad, unless you all want to be peeling potatoes for a week!” She was still smiling despite all the shouting, and she continued to do so as she took a fork to sample a single bite of the aforementioned salad.

“Hmm…” Just for a moment, the smile turned into a frown. “...passable, but you all can do— Stop staring at his Cadance blessed flank! He’s not here to give you a creamy filling!”

She massaged her forehead with a hoof before waving me away. “Whatever. Just take the food and go before they start drooling in the night shift’s breakfast.”

“Sorry, ma’am, but you know how it is.” I winked as I took the food in my telekinesis. “I mean, you have to be hot as Tartarus to get a flank burnt black like that.”

“Out before I cook you up and eat you, you shameless flatterer!”

I quickly absconded through the door as the head chef threw her hat at me. The sound of muffled tittering and shouting came through the door in my wake, but I hardly stopped to pay attention.

I cantered through the halls until the I was sure there was no pursuit. As I slowed back down to my sauntering march from before, I checked on the food to make sure it hadn’t been disturbed too much.

It hadn’t, so I continued on, pulling out our mental map of the castle as I began my way back to Twilight’s room. I wanted to get there as fast as possible; the faux armor was starting to itch where warm met cool.

But I couldn’t risk the food.

A few maids blushed as I passed, and I idly nibbled on the buds of their blooming attraction. There was still a hollow feeling in my heart from earlier, so I didn’t feel too guilty about it.

Ve… had never realized Quick Wit was so attractive before. Twilight didn’t like him, so I avoided using him, but perhaps that was why. It certainly would be awkward for her…. No. That didn’t make any sense. If Twilight had found him attractive, ve would have tasted it.

“Morpheus?”

A wall of thorny rose bushes slammed into me from the left. Turning my head, I found the very alarming sight of a wide-eyed Cadance—wings unfurled, blood trickling from her nostrils as she stared.

“Why in the name of me are you parading around in a disguise that’s eerily similar to my husband? A sleek, slender, younger-looking version of my husband.”

Oh…. That explained so much.

Ve had no idea how ve missed the similarities.

“I’m sorry?” Shuffling awkwardly from hoof to hoof, I tried not to consume the healthy vegetation being shoved into my arteries. It was going to be Tartarus trying to regurgitate it all back up, but eating from Cadance would be way more awkward than eating from some random mare in the hall.

Cadance hummed. “It’s… fine. Trust me. All you’re doing is giving me plenty of ideas for later tonight.”

I took a step back. “Ideas that don’t involve me, right?”

Cadance blinked before shaking her head vehemently. “No, no, no! Nothing like that. It’s just been awhile since I broke out my old pom poms, and—”

“Cadance, I’m going to ask you to stop there so the terrifying mental image of Mother in a cheerleader outfit stays foal friend— Nope. Nevermind. It’s too late for that. Do the wine cellars have anything strong enough to bleach my brain? Wait…. If I get drunk ve might accidentally upload that image and then noling will be happy. Better to take one for the hive.”

“Sorry?” Cadance shuffled awkwardly while trying to close her rather impressive wing span.

“Daddy!” It was at that point a bundle of feathers with an obscenely large horn hit me, and I blacked out from the shock of experiencing several metaphorical aneurysms plus some more literal cardiac arrest.

“Hnnng!”

I awoke to a splitting headache, a sore chest, and a cherub frowning down at me. “Did anypony get the name of that chariot?”

“You’re not daddy.” The little alicorn continued to scowl with the might of an angry kitten.

It wasn’t very threatening.

“Oh….” I moaned, curling into a ball and holding my head in my hooves. “Please tell me you caught the food, Cadance….”

“Barely.” The princess sounded back to her normal self. The shock of weapons grade alicorn cuteness must have knocked my disguise askew. Yep…. That would explain the traitorous hole in my hoof that was letting light through—light which was, in turn, driving a railroad spike through my head.

“Ugh…” I rolled away from the light. “...what are you feeding your daughter, Cadance? She hit me like a brick, and my heart just exploded.”

“Shiny and I put love in every meal.” Cadance chuckled.

“You don’t even cook them!” I snapped back.

“Oh, ye of little faith.” Cadance hummed such that I could all but see the worried frown on her face, and the taste of wine and lemonade mixed together in a cocktail of concern. “Or maybe that’s just the heart attack speaking. You know, your heart actually stopped for a minute or two? What even happened there?”

“Love overdose—” I coughed, tasting the slight tang of blood. “—a really bad one. You and Shining are really lucky if a single hug does this.” Inching up from the floor, I hid behind my haws, shifting them such that they helped filter the light. “Oh…. Twilight is going to kill me when I get back. How long was I out?”

“Only like five minutes.” Cadance coughed politely. “Does this happen a lot?”

“Only five minutes?” I gave a sigh of relief. “In that case I might still be able to make it back before Twilight’s up. And, no, it doesn’t happen that often. It probably only happened this time because I was already trying not to take a bite from the copius amounts of attraction you were unwittingly shoving through my arteries.”

I waved dismissively as her frown deepened. “Our fault for accidentally making a guise that looked like Shining. I’ll try not to use it around you or Twilight.”

Cadance tilted her head. “Oh? What’s wrong with Twilight seeing it?”

“Ve aren’t sure.” I shrugged. “There could be any number of reasons, even assuming her issue with it relates to how it looks like Shining.”

“Momma!” Flurry heart nuzzled into her mother’s foreleg. “Are you done checking on the bug-thing yet? You promised you’d tell me what was going on when you were sure he was alright.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Cadance bit her lip and glanced down the hall. “I have one last appointment for the day soon, though, and I really don’t want to be late for it.” She looked at me. “You are alright, right?”

I nodded. “As alright as can be expected.”

“Then I really must be off.” Cadance pushed the food she had thankfully saved towards me before hunkering down and spreading her wings like a ramp. “Climb on momma’s back, Flurry, and I’ll tell you all about your new uncle Mo Mo on the way to my meeting with Book Cypher.”

“Bookie’s back!” Flurry squealed as she scrambled to get on top of her mother. “Do you think he’ll give me candy like last time?”

“If you interrupt his studies enough, yes,” Cadance smiled, “but, if you don’t interrupt him at all you might just get ice cream for dessert tomorrow.”

“Yay! Ice cream!” Flurry galloped onto her mother’s back.

“Book Cypher?” I arched an eyebrow.

Cadance giggled and waved a hoof dismissively. “Just a professor of antiquities whose specialization was the ‘lost’ Crystal Empire.”

“I see.” I arched my brow further. “Also, uncle Mo Mo?”

“I read Twilight’s reports.” The alicorn of love stuck her tongue out at me. “I know all about little Errant.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s more the fact that you presume far too much about my relationship with Twilight.”

“I don’t know-ow!~” Cadance singsonged as she skipped away with Flurry on her back. “That little void of yours seems fuller than usual today! I actually had to focus on you to tell you were a changeling! What else could that mean but someling is starting to learn all about love?” She turned one last time to wink at me before she rounded the corner, giggling madly.

I stared after her for a few seconds, our thoughts awhirl. Finally—when it became quite clear ve were not going to think of anything that might alleviate my confusion at Cadance’s parting words—I picked up the food and turned to go. As I did so, though, I realized there were still several tangy scrapes of curiosity being directed toward me.

Several maids were trying to remain hidden in the rooms they’d been cleaning.

“Can I help you?” It was hard not to be short with them as my headache pounded away.

“So… you’re one of those changelings who can turn into anypony they want, right? Like that guard?” One of the maids poked out from behind her hiding spot hesitantly, her emotions a mix of orange peels and a few orange blossoms.

She squeaked, blushing furiously. “Then, maybe… maybe, you could meet us at the Crystal Heart around nine? We get off from work then, and I’d love to— I mean, we’d love a chance to see what you can do. There are all sorts of rumors flying around between the guard and the papers, and I’m— I mean, we’re all curious just what’s true and what isn’t.”

Well, then…. This was awkward.

A few of the harvesters who’d gone public had mentioned interactions like this, but ve hadn’t expected anypony to be so forward with me. I bit my chops and ran a hoof through my mane as ve mulled the invitation over.

“Ve… don’t know…. I’d have to ask Twilight whether—”

“Oh….” The mare immediately slumped. “I thought… from what you were just saying to Princess Cadance, that the newspapers might have been wrong.”

Must. Not. Lie.

“We aren’t quite that serious yet.” I tsked as soon as I said that. Ve liked neither that answer nor what it would lead to, but the die had already been cast.

The mare looked up hopefully. “You mean…”

I shook my head. “I’ll talk to Twilight, but make no promises.” Ve weren’t worried she’d be possessive, of course. My intimate relationship with Twilight was fake, after all. Rather, ve were worried she would agree. Twilight knew changelings well enough by now to know standard procedure here. Harvesters were encouraged to take potential flings when they found them to cut down on how much pressure was applied to collection from their social network.

I was not a harvester, though, and I really didn’t want to start down the road to getting a reputation like Mother’s. If I just simply promised to talk to Twilight and conveniently brought the subject up too late, then…

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” I was assaulted with a few pecks on the cheek as the maid glomped me and ran back into her room. “He said yes!”

Giggles erupted from behind the door, and I sighed. If this is what being Quick Wit would get me into, maybe I should set him aside. The free food was nice, but he was starting to net way too much attention for comfort.

“Let’s see…. Twilight’s room was this way.”

Twilight mumbled something about checklists beneath her pillow, stretching before she curled up in the way so many ponies do when they begin to rise from the land of slumber. An eye peeked from the fluffy confines of her cocoon to briefly meet my grinning face, searching the room in an attempt to take stock of the situation.

“Dreaming about checklists checking you off again?” My grin grew.

“Mo? What happened to me?” She completely avoided the question, staying safely beneath the blankets.

“You fainted when your brother mentioned he walked in on your conception.” Full honesty was the best policy here. “Your lack of sleep took over from there, and it’s now just a little after ten, so no train ride home today.”

“I see.” There was a squeak in response.

Flicking my wings, I gave a slow mournful chirp. “I did go out to grab us some food about an hour after dinner, but you slept far longer than ve expected, so it’s rather soggy now.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.” Twilight grumbled.

“Excuse me?” I arched an eyebrow.

“It’s a human thing.” Twilight slowly poked out of her cocoon. “Kind of extreme, I know, but I’m currently saddled with some extreme hunger.” A loud gurgle confirmed this. “What else did you get up to while I was out?”

“Nothing of note.” I shrugged. “I mostly just looked after you while you slept.” Hesitating momentarily, I bit my chops. “There was one thing that came up that I wanted to talk to you about, though…. I’ve told you what standard procedure is for harvesters when somepony wants a fling, right?”

Twilight nodded, taking a bite of her very droopy salad. “You only mentioned it in passing, but I can extrapolate. Every little bit helps when it means less of a chance of overfeeding. I can’t say I approve, but…” She vaguely waved a hoof.

Inwardly, I sighed in relief. Her disapproval made things so much easier for me..

“Well, your approval was kind of what I needed to ask you about. Somepony… somepony actually asked me on a date—despite who and what I am. It’s been… happening to some of the other public harvesters too, and they just go with the flow as if it were procedure. Most of those who do so, though, report their few remaining pony friends are somewhat put off by the idea.”

I rubbed the back of my head. “Honestly, ve never thought I’d end up in such circumstances, but—now that I have—it is only polite to ask your view of such things. Clearly, you disapprove, though, so I’ll just—”

A fork full of salad hit the floor with a clatter. “Somepony asked you on a date?” There was a slight hitch to Twilight’s voice, and I suddenly had to resist the urge to scratch my muzzle.

Twilight was… jealous? Curious. It clearly couldn’t be the standard kind—no crush, no love, no reason—but, as the fiasco with Rainbow had shown, there were a few sub-schools out there. Perhaps it was less that somepony wanted to date me and more that somepony wasn’t dating her?

Bah! I refrained from snorting. That was ridiculous. If Twilight wanted a date, she wouldn’t be pretending to go out with me.

“I suppose…” Twilight finally broke the silence she had created. “I suppose that I can’t really say no. I understand the reasoning on why you should accept, even if I disagree with the practice. I mean, I already basically gave implicit approval to the practice when I arranged those licenses for the Echo triplets, so it’d be really hypocritical of me to forbid you from seeing anypony.”

She ground her teeth as she picked up her fork and violently shoved more salad down her gullet. “Plus, it’s not like our relationship is real or anything, so I have no right to impose a monogamous status upon it—even if a polyamorous status promises far more headaches down the line.”

There was an underlying spicy, simmering, heat to her emotions now, and the itch was starting to spread. Her wings ruffled every so often as she bit, chomped, and tore into her meal with more savagery than usual.

Time to go to script C, then.

“Twilight…” I sat beside her and thrummed. “...you don’t have to approve if you don’t want to. The reason I’m asking is ve know it makes some ponies uncomfortable, and I’d rather not risk losing you as a friend.”

Twilight responded by tearing a chunk from one of the sandwiches.

Shuffling awkwardly in my seat, my wings rubbed haphazardly together to make several discordant chirps. “You know, it’s actually a relief that you don’t approve? It gives me an excuse not to follow protocol.”

I squirmed as Twilight continued to eat and say nothing. “I mean, ve’d prefer you not tell the others, but I always secretly disliked this particular policy. It leaves far too much to chance, and can easily fracture a social network just as much as it can cut down on pressure.”

Sighing, I stood and began to pace. “There isn’t much I can do about it with the current state of things, either, although that might be changing with harvesters going public.”

“Idiot.” Lavender feathers filled my vision, and I suddenly found myself wrapped up in a chokehold masquerading as a hug. “Why’d you even bring it up, then? Did you just want to make things awkward?”

“W-well… I gave my word to the other pony that I’d talk to you on the matter.” I gave a whistling wheeze. “Although, they think I am merely checking whether we’re in an open relationship.”

The pseudo-chokehold tightened into a slightly more realistic one. “Oh? You didn’t think that might cause trouble for us when the papers find out.”

“Peace! Peace!” I couldn’t help but cackle. “The less reputable ones already claim I cheat on you and countless others with my ability to shapeshift into anypony. I supposedly have an unwitting harem of hundreds of clueless mares from every corner of Equestria, and you’re worried about me being asked on a date?”

“Nopony believes that dribble!” Twilight huffed as she let me go to return to her meal. “Honestly, I need to talk to Celestia about those particular trash heaps that call themselves newspapers. Freedom of speech is one thing, but spreading crazy, sensational, and—most importantly—false rumors for the sake of business is another.”

“Peace, Twilight.” I patted her withers as my cackles died down to chuckles. “Everypony will see the truth eventually. Just let them have their laughs for now. Some of the things they accuse me of doing to keep my cover are hilarious.”

“Hmph!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Regardless, are you going to sit down and eat with me already?”

“I suppose I could eat some more.” I sat beside Twilight once more and grabbed a sandwich.

“So… who asked you on the date?” Twilight crunched into what little of the salad wasn’t a soggy mess.

“I never actually got her name.” I bit into my food and savored the seasonings. “I was kind of in a rush to get back.”

“I see….” Twilight gulped audibly. “Do you want to… pretend to be more serious to avoid this kind of thing in the future?”

I froze mid-bite before gently lowering my sandwich. Was that… the taste of orange blossoms in the air? “Ve are perfectly fine with the current ruse. Your disapproval should be enough to discourage others.”

Twilight fidgeted. “From both perspectives?”

By the First Father, it was. She was starting to get curious in a very bad way.

Don’t. Panic.

The taste was so faint as to mean nothing. Merely a frail bud or two—completely unlike the castle staff from early. It wasn’t actualized, and therefore wouldn’t count as long as Twilight didn’t think about it.

“I am also fine with things as they stand.” I smiled as much as I dared.

“Well, alright then.” Twilight thankfully returned to her food, and the taste of flowers faded.

We ate in silence for a few minutes before she spoke once more. “Are you sure nothing else happened? You don’t look so good. The guards didn’t give you any more issues? My brother didn’t do something stupid?”

“Nope! Nothing of note! Absolutely nothing!” Smile and wave. Just smile and wave. Try not to stare at Twilight’s forehead. Ve knew the terror would eventually go away if I just smiled and waved. I knew much less about how to get rid of the traitorous thoughts now rising in our mind.

Thoughts of an earlier experiment with inconclusive results.

So, yes, as you can see, absolutely nothing further happened on our trip. It certainly wasn’t the cornerstone of any groundbreaking changes for me or Twilight. I mean, sure I made some progress with Shining Armor, but ve weren’t so foolish as to even briefly believe things were truly settled between us.

Now, I believe our time is up for the day, so why don’t we skip the questions for now and schedule our next interview?