//------------------------------// // iFoundYou // Story: Ponyville Public Access // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// “Spike, have you left that cushion at all?” Twilight waved a hoof in front of said purple dragon’s face back and forth, hoping for some kind of a reaction. “It’s been three days and you haven’t moved an inch.” “I’m fine!” Spike responded, focusing his bloodshot eyes on the television in front of him and reaching for a bowl of gems next to him. “Just fine. Yeah… Uh-huh.” Twilight narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air around Spike. Almost immediately, her eyes opened wide in shock and disgust as Twilight struggled to decide if she should place one of her hooves over her mouth, or her nose. “Okay, I think you need to take a break from this. Now.” Spike turned his head, his pupils shrunk to the size of raisins. “One more show, Twilight! Please?!” “Spike, no! You need a bath, and you’re going to give yourself one if I don’t clean you first!” Punctuating her firm stance, she grabbed Spike’s tail in a small cloud of magic and began dragging him away from the television. "I can't believe things have gotten so bad I have to force you to take a bath, of all things..." She mumbled to herself. "Baa-aad!" Spike bleated in reply. Twilight paused and raised an eyebrow. "Spike, Are you feeling alright?" Still holding Spike in her magical field, Twilight raised a foreleg to his forehead, then gently used her hoof to open Spiked mouth as she peered inside. "I think you might be so filthy that you've contracted a case of bleat-tongue." About a foot worth of Spike's thin forked tongue was pulled out as Twilight ran a pair of motherly eyes over it. "Which is doublely alarming as it's supposed to only affect mammals." Spike slurped back in his tongue and began struggling in Twilight's magical grasp. Grasping and digging at the floor with his claws, he wouldn’t go down without a fight. “No! I mean I’m almost at the series finale of Breaking Baa-aad! I’m begging you, I’m ‘this’ close” — Spike held two of his claws in a pinching position, almost touching each other — “to finishing it, and then I’m done binge-watching for the week! I promise!” Twilight paused her movement. “And then you’ll scrub those scales clean?” “I’ll scrub and polish them so hard it’ll make Rarity’s sequin dress look like a tacky disco ball!” Spike blinked, then waved his claws frantically. “Uh, not that it’s that at all! I thought it looked gorgeous!” Twilight couldn’t help but chuckle at his backpedaling. But just as quick as it escaped her lips, her voice returned to its stern tone. “Fine, one more show. But after that it’s bathtime for you, understand?” Spike nodded, and Twilight relinquished her grip on his tail. Plopping back on the cushion, Spike settled in for the last show he could watch. Twilight stood at the room’s doorway, keen on ensuring Spike would bathe himself. But before the show could get started, a big, red face with black and yellow eyes took up the whole screen. Opening his mouth, he began to speak. “GREETINGS, little ponies!” the TV boomed, with enough force to blow Spike off his cushion. The bowl of gems nearby met a similar fate, spilling its contents all over the floor. “Spike! Turn down the volume!” Twilight said, clamping an ear with her hoof. Spike quickly righted himself and ran to the TV, carefully stepping around the scattered gems like navigating a hard, pointy, prismatic minefield. Once he’d reached it, he twisted the volume dial from the “6” it started at to “2”. “There. Sorry Twilight, I thought that wasn’t too loud earlier—” The red face zoomed out to reveal a dark and red muscular centaur, arms outstretched widely. “It is I, LORD TIREK! I’m back, and better than ever!” The TV boomed even louder than before, sending Spike tumbling away from it. “Didn’t you turn it down?!” Twilight asked. “I did! I don’t know why it made it worse!” Tirek dropped one arm, the other kept up with a single index finger raised. “However, it wasn’t easy climbing my way back to the top! I’d lost my way many times over, fought battles I almost won, and ultimately trashed my good reputation! You would not believe the lengths I’ve gone to just to get a parole hearing!” Spike turned to Twilight. “Weren’t you at that parole hearing?” Twilight nodded. “I was.” “And you allowed him to leave Tartarus?” Twilight gave Spike a stern look as she said, “Spike, I’ve forgiven and began tutoring a pony that trapped us in what could have been a struggle for eternity. I think I can forgive a psychopathic leeching centaur that nearly razed Equestria to the ground.” Spike raised an eyebrow. “Do you still think that now?” “Seeing him on TV, I’m not sure what to think anymore.” “However, I come to you now as a changed centaur that has found his path in life. And you can too, with this!” Reaching behind him with the raised hand, Tirek produced a small, thin rectangular-shaped device and held it up close to the camera. “I bring you the product that will save you from being lost forever! This… is iFoundYou!” “...Twilight?” “Yes, Spike?” “Is this reality?” “Spike, after everything we’ve seen on that TV, questioning reality isn’t realistic anymore.” Tirek panned the camera away from him and toward a quite sizable map of Equestria sitting on a wooden board on a stand “Need to explore, but can’t read a map? Lose your way, be it night or day?” Tirek faced the map, and charging a ball of energy between his two curled horns, he hurled the ball. “Well screw that map, and don’t be a sap! iFoundYou will show you the way!” “...Twilight, is he—” “Rhyming,” Twilight deadpanned, looking at the screen with equal parts disbelief and disturbance. “He… he’s rhyming. I… just…” “Want to question reality realistically?” Twilight snapped her head down to Spike. “Don’t turn my words on me right now! This is not the time for that!” “But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these testimonials from these extremely satisfied customers!” The scene shifts over to a tan pony garbed in an architect’s uniform, with a multi-toned grayscale mane ranging from light gray to near black. One of her wings was bandaged, but that didn’t seem to deter her determination as her ruby red eyes gleamed with a matching proud smile. “I used to be a bit reckless when it came to ancient temples,” Daring Do began. “And there were many times where I was backed into a sticky situation, like right now!” The camera zooms out, showing a few gruff-looking stallions closing in on her as they push her closer to a precarious fall leading into a dark pit. A few vines hung behind her; some were green and not so green, and some were so dry and frail-looking even just breathing on them might cause them to snap. But as the stallions closed in, something in her pocket buzzed before a booming voice came out loud and clear, “Turn around and take the vine to the left, and swing across the ten-meter gap behind you!” “Thanks, iFoundYou!” Daring declared as she turned around counterclockwise to her left and leaped for the vine immediately within her sight. The old, brown, withered vine that broke before she even touched it. Daring’s scream echoed as she fell down the hole. As she fell, Tirek’s booming voice shouted, “REROUTING!” The screen faded to static for a moment before Tirek’s big red mug reappeared on the screen. “I wish to clarify that user error in interpreting instructions may cause unintended harm. I clearly referred to the green, healthy vine to her left after she turned around, not the first one she saw as she turned left.” “Then why didn’t you just say that?!” Twilight shouted at the screen. Spike rolled his eyes. “You know he can’t hear you, right?” Twilight merely huffed in response. “Fortunately, iFoundYou goes through weekly updates to give clearer instructions to its users! Just listen to another satisfied customer after the first month of clarifying updates!” With a graceful transition of white noise and static, the scene shifted to a place that sat somewhere between a psychedelic fever dream and a twilight zone, with one earth pony aimlessly floating about in the weird, twisted place where gravity refused to behave properly. “I have no idea where I am!” The earth pony shouted while clinging to his hat and mailbag, lest they float away out and into the weird world he’s entered. “Discord’s house isn’t here! Where did it go?!” Just as the mailpony wore a sullen look on his face, a bellowing voice answered from his bag, “I heard someone say they were lost!” The mailpony glanced at his bag. “What the…? Did that come from here?” Opening the flap, he carefully sifted through the contents with one hoof, the other still grasping his hat firmly. After a few moments, he pulled out a thin rectangular device, and examined it up close. “Odd, I don’t recall getting this from the post office…” “Are you lost?” Tirek’s voice boomed from the device. “Tell me where you wish to go!” “Uh…” The mailpony turned his head from side to side, looking slightly confused. “I was heading to Discord’s house, but it’s not here? I swear it was here on my last visit—” “LOCATING DISCORD’S HOUSE!” Tirek shouted, with enough force to send the mailpony spinning off in a different direction. “To your left—REROUTING—in front of you—REROUTING—to your right and below you…” Tirek continued, each shout sending the pony flying in a new direction. “I can’t stop spinning!” The mailpony yelped, drifting helplessly as the spinning refused to cease. The scene shifted back to Tirek, scratching his white goatee. “See? Never failed to point out the correct direction he needed to move, despite a zero-gravity environment! How could you ever get lost with such a helpful guide in the grip of one’s hand, paw, talon or hoof?” Pointing at the screen, Tirek finished, “So what are you waiting for? Get your iFoundYou before I find you!” A long, awkward, uncomfortable pause passed as Tirek continued pointing in silence. Spike blinked and turned to Twilight. “So is this commercial over, or—” “GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND BUY MY SYSTEM, LITTLE MAGGOT!” Spike leaped out of his chair in an instant! “YES, SIR!” he responded before zipping out of the room and out the door. Twilight looked at the little dust trail Spike left before tracing it back to the television. “I swear to Celestia, I hate you so much right now.” “THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!” Tirek answered. “Wait, wha—” Before Twilight could finish, the commercial finally ended and returned to its regularly scheduled programming. Twilight blinked and shook her head rapidly. “Okay, you know what? I could use some fresh air. Lots of fresh air. Maybe stop Spike from buying… whatever the heck I just watched. Or do anything to pretend that crazy didn’t happen. Yep!” With that, Twilight stepped away from the television, out the door, and took the deepest breath she could muster. Today was going to be a loooooong day.