//------------------------------// // You Can Fight Anything If Your Boss Pays You Enough // Story: Dr. Twilight Sparkle's House of Horrors and Unusual Shenanigans // by little big pony //------------------------------// “I WILL FEAST ON YOUR SOULS!” Nero watched as a demon, its eyes blazing with unholy fire, slammed itself against the barrier holding it in place over and over again. Each time that it rammed its body against its prison, dark green, foul-smelling blood seeped out of the many cuts on its person and a scream that would have given most nightmares erupted from its twisted, fang-filled mouth. “…No.” Twilight, who had both a hayburger and a small vial floating on either side of her head, frowned. “Why not?” she asked as he made his way over to the only chair in the room and sat down. Nero, leaning back into the chair, gave his boss a look that could have peeled paint. “I’m not going in that summoning circle.” “I WILL DRAG YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS AND EAT THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES!” the demon roared, its rage shaking the very walls. “Come on, I know it looks scary but it’s not that bad,” Twilight said, taking a big bite out of her hayburger and noisily chewing. “Then you go in there,” Nero replied, gesturing toward the spawn of Tartarus. “Somepony needs to stay out here and make sure the circle’s spells are working correctly,” Twilight said matter-of-factly. “And since Rainbow is out of town today, I need you to go in there—” “No,” Nero interrupted, crossing his arms. “Rainbow might be stupid enough to jump in a tiny circle with a rage demon but I, most certainly, am not.” “All you need to do is get is some hair and a tooth or two,” Twilight said, nudging him with a wing. “You’ll be done before you know it!” Nero looked over at the demon, his nose scrunching up as it twisted its head three-hundred and sixty degrees around before hissing at him. He scratched his chin, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “Well, at least you don’t want blood,” he dryly mused. Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Well, actually, I could use some demon blood,” she said, lifting a beaker from the table in the room with a spell and floating it over. “So, if you don’t mind, I’d like some of that too, Nero.” “What’s with you and blood?” Nero demanded, looking over at her in exasperation. “Demon blood has many useful scientific applications,” Twilight said defensively. “And you were the one offering to get it.” “I was not,” Nero sternly replied, poking her wither with a finger. “Because I’m not going in there because I’m not stupid and I do not have a death wish.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Come on Nero, you don’t need to be a little colt about this. Rainbow does this all the time and nothing bad happens to her.” “Rainbow can slam into a mountain at five hundred miles an hour and walk away. A bad fall down a flight of ten steps could kill me.” “I’m telling you it’s not that bad.” “Then I’m sure that you can get your purple fanny in there while looking after the circle then.” “I WILL USE YOUR SKULLS AS CUPS, AND YOUR ENTRAILS AS CHEW TOYS FOR MY HOUNDS!” the demon snarled, its broken, hole-ridden bat wings flapping. Looking none too pleased, Twilight sat down next to her assistant. “Nero, that’s just a rage demon, it’s nothing to worry about—” “If someone told me a couple of years ago that my future boss was going to say something like that, I’d have punched them right in the mouth…” “—all you need to do is watch its teeth and make sure none of its saliva gets on you.” Nero perked up. “Saliva?” He watched as some of the demon’s drool fell from its mouth and hit toward floor. With some alarm, he watched as it ate away the crystal with a sharp hiss. He found himself shaking his head. “No. Nope. You have me doing a lot of weird, crazy shit, Twi, but this is where I draw the line. I’m not doing this.” “I’ll be right here in case something happens,” Twilight reassured, finishing her hayburger with one last big bite. “And everypony knows that demons can’t hurt virgin stallions, so you’ll be fine.” Nero twitched, looking over at the princess with a less than friendly expression. “First off, fuck you. Second, we both know that that stallion thing is a crock.” “No, it’s not!” Huffing, Nero looked over at the demon. “Hey. If I come in there are you going to attack me?” Flames erupted from the demon’s back as it threw back its mangled head and let out a roar. “I WILL EXTINGUISH YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE!” Nero smiled pleasantly. “Thank you,” he said, before turning back toward Twilight. “Not gonna attack me huh?” Twilight grumbled quietly to herself, her tail flicking against the ground as she looked down at the floor deep in thought. Her horn glowed, and with a pop another hayburger appeared right next to her. Still thinking hard, she took a bite out of it. Nero seeing this, snorted to himself. “Are you sure you need another one of those?” he asked, and was pointedly ignored. Finally, after a few moments, the proverbial light bulb lit above Twilight’s head, causing her to perk up. “Oh! I know! Give me a second, I’ll be right back!” Before Nero could process what she had said,her horn flickered to life and both she and her hayburger disappeared with a pop. “I thought you were supposed to be making sure the circle was right!” he yelled, before throwing up his hands. Groaning to himself, he covered his face with his hands. “Why did that strip club have to take down that help wanted sign?” he grumbled. The demon bashed its head against its prison with such force that one of its horns broke off with a sickening crack. It immediately roared in pain, bucking and braying and snarling. “RELEASE ME, MORTAL! RELEASE ME SO THAT I MAY FEAST ON YOUR HEART!” “Shut up, you knock-off bat pony,” the tired assistant said, leaning back into his chair and rubbing his temples. There was a pop, and in a flash of magic, Twilight reappeared right next to him with a smile--and breadcrumbs-- on her face. Looking over at her, Nero noticed that the princess had a series of items on her back. Items that had absolutely no business being in this room. “Here, you can use this stuff to protect yourself,” the princess said, levitating the items up from her back and setting them onto Nero’s lap. “…An oven mitt, umpire’s helmet, and a cricket bat?” Nero said, bewilderment working its way into his voice as he looked down at the seemingly random assortment of things. Nose scrunching up, he looked up at her questioningly. “Why the oven mitt?” “It’ll protect your hand when you’re extracting the teeth,” Twilight replied, all smiles. Blinking owlishly, Nero back down at the objects in his lap. “You must be dumbest genius that I’ve ever met...” Twilight, choosing to ignore what her number two assistant had just said, gave him a nudge with her wither. “Since this is a low-level demon, we don’t have to prepare any of these items so that they can injure it. So all you need to do is go in there and wallop the thing a couple of times with the bat until its calmed down enough that you can get everything we need!” “Where did you even get an umpire’s helmet and a cricket bat? I understand the oven mitt, but you’ve never played a sport in your entire life…” Nero muttered, picking up the bat and examining it. With a spell, Twilight placed the umpire’s helmet—which was five sized too big for the human—onto his head, making sure to clip the chin strap into place. This caused the helmet to twist to the left slightly, but grabbing it with her hoof Twilight straightened it. Still smiling, she then placed her assistant’s hand into the oven mitt. “There we go! You’re all dressed up and ready,” she said with a little hop. Nero’s bewildered look turned sour as he examined himself. “I look ridiculous.” “You look like somepony that’s ready to fight a demon,” Twilight chirped, straightening the helmet again when she noticed that it was slowly creeping to the left. “If this is what you ponies wear when you’re fighting demons then I think I’m better off on another team,” Nero said, dropping the cricket bat to the floor and once again crossing his arms. “And I already told you, I’m not going in there. I don’t care what you bring me to wear, I don’t care what you say or do. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to step into that—” “I’ll give you double overtime pay for today.” Nero’s body jerked as if it had just been struck with lightning. Eyes widening, he looked over at his now smirking boss. Several emotions flashed across his face; anger, outrage, surprise, irritation. Sitting up in his chair, he puffed his chest out, ready to give Twilight a piece of his mind, but the alicorn was too fast for him. “I’ll give you double overtime pay for today and tomorrow,” she offered, the smirk on her face turning into a grin. Nero’s eyes narrowed down to slits. “Double overtime for the rest of the week.” Twilight’s grin vanished. “But it’s Monday!” “There is no words in English, Equish, Entish,, Griffish, or Donkish that can come close to describe how little I give a shit,” Nero replied, looking her right in the eye. Twilight’s nose scrunched up. “...Fine, but don’t I don’t want you complaining for the rest of the week,” she grumbled, taking a bite out of her hayburger. “There is absolutely nothing on this earth that will keep me from complaining about working, whatever that job may be,” Nero said, climbing to his feet. “And you get ready to get me out of there quick. If I get bit in the ass I’m going to do more than complain.” Twilight’s smile came back to her face. “Thanks for doing this, Nero,” she said gratefully. Not looking at her, Nero lifted the cricket bat and smacked her hayburger out of the air. Twilight, seeing her delicious snack hit the dirty floor, squawked like an angry chicken. “Hey!” The human ignored her, staring hard at the demon. “It is through force of will alone that I move this fragile form through the void,” he said, readying himself as the demon, baring its fangs, crotched down in a low and threatening manner. Nero took a step toward the summoning circle, his grip on the cricket bat. “That and a nicer paycheck…”