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// Ghosts Are The Hobos of The Graveyard If You Really Think About It 
// Story: Dr. Twilight Sparkle's House of Horrors and Unusual Shenanigans 
// by little big pony 
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Ponyville Cemetery was a very nice plot of land, all things considered. The grounds were well taken care of. Twice a week the grass was cut. The tombstones were washed monthly or when needed. Most ponies in town that had family resting there came every few weeks to place flowers or some little knickknack on or near the graves. No black cats roamed the grounds, and the ghost population was below average compared to similar facilities in Canterlot. It wasn’t too crowded, wasn’t too out of the way, and most of the ponies that lived near the land were nothing but respectful.

It would have been a perfect place to be buried if not for the occasional graverobber.

“That’s it, Nero. Just a few more feet and you’ll hit the coffin.”

Nero, sweaty and tired and covered in dirt, poked his head over the top of the hole he was standing in to look at his boss.

Unlike Nero, Twilight didn’t have a speck of dirt on her. She was sitting a few feet from the hole the human was standing in, leaning against a tombstone with her tail curled around one leg. A lantern was sitting next sitting to her left, which didn’t do much at all to beat back the darkness that surrounded them.

While most ponies would have been uncomfortable in a graveyard at night--even graveyards as nice as this one-- Twilight seemed completely at home. In fact, she was so at home that she was reading through a thick tome, humming a little tune to herself.

Though it was almost cute seeing her sitting there in her own little world, Nero found himself frowning at the sight.

“You know, we’d get this done a heck of a lot faster if you went ahead and helped,” he said, wiping his face with the bottom of his shirt.

Twilight’s ears perked up. Her lavender eyes drifted away from her book and over toward him. Her eyes narrowed a bit; a telltale sign that she was trying to process what he had just said. It took a moment--like it always did-- but eventually Nero saw the realization come to her face.

“I’m sorry, Nero, but I can’t. Somepony might be able to detect my magical signature if I used my magic to help you,” she said apologetically.

“I wasn’t talking about you using magic,” Nero replied, driving the tip of his shovel into the dirt with his foot. “Your hooves seem to be working just fine to me.”

“I can’t do that either,” the princess said, watching as he tossed a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder. “I need to be a lookout in case anypony comes around.”

“You haven’t looked away from that book since we got here,” Nero pointed out.

“I’m listening for anypony,” Twilight said, turning a page in her book. “Which is much more efficient with how dark it is and all.”

Nero snorted. “Even though I know you’re not, we’re the only two that are nutty enough to mess around in a cemetery this late at night,” he said. “You just don’t want to want to get your hooves dirty, you big baby.”

Twilight twitched at the jab, a small frown coming to her face. “We can’t both be digging at the same time, Nero. The hole isn't big enough, otherwise I’d hop right in and help you!”

“We could take turns,” the human suggested, tossing another shovelful of dirt over his shoulder.

“But if I’m digging who’s going to fend off any ghost from attacking us?” Twilight asked.

“Oh? So you’re a lookout and a ghost repeller now?”

“I’m a very good multi-tasker, Nero.”

Nero’s frown deepened. “There’s not a single ghost in here that’s going to attack us, not even the dummy we’re trying to dig up,” he said, kicking at the dirt. “And besides, I thought that you didn’t want to have your magical signature on anything.”

Twilight hid behind her book, but that did nothing to hide her emotions from her assistant. Nero could see her wings ruffling against her sides, and he could see her ears swiveling back and forth. He had been working for her long enough that he knew when she was grabbing at straws.

“…You don’t need to use magic to fight off a ghost.”

A guffaw escaped the human’s throat. “What? Are you gonna tell them to just go away?”

Both Twilight and Nero were silent for a few moments, just looking at each other. Somewhere off in the distance the hooting of an owl could be heard. Fireflies flew near the cemetery’s  mausoleum, their little lights twinkling. If one listened hard enough, they might have been able to hear the sigh of a pony that had long since died.

“Yes,” Twilight said, looking him right in the eye.

Nero’s nose scrunched up at the reply. Grumbling to himself, he turned his attention back toward his shovel. “… What are we even going to use this body for?”

“I found a book on necromancy the other day and I wanted to try a few spells,” Twilight shifting her weight against the tombstone to make herself more comfortable.

“Where the heck did you find a book on necromancy?” Nero asked, squatting down to a pick up a rock the size of his head. “Those don’t seem to be the kind of books that are lying around all willy-nilly.”

“I actually found it at a flea market in Canterlot,” Twilight said matter-of-factly, giving the book floating in her magic a little pat.

Nero tossed the rock over his shoulder with a grunt before reaching for his shovel again. “A flea market? What the heck were you doing at a flea market?”

A specter floated by, it’s luminescent, translucent form standing out in the darkness. The miserable creature was hunched over, as if some great weight was upon it. If one would have looked closely enough that might have thought it resembled an earth pony.

It looked over at Twilight with eyes of black nothingness, letting out a quiet wail, its pale white form vibrating from the action. Twilight, eyeing it with a small frown, shooed the ghost away with a wing.

“Applejack convinced me to go,” the princess said, looking back at him. “She wanted to see if anypony was selling plows. She didn’t find anything, but I managed to find this baby. I got it for cheap too!”

Driving his shovel into the dirt, Nero leaned against it to catch his breath.

“Why do you ponies have to put your coffins so deep?” he demanded. “I must be seven feet down already…”

“It’s an earth pony tradition to dig graves as deep as possible so that the deceased can be closer to the earth,” Twilight said, turning the page in her book.

Nero grunted, blinking the sweat out of his eyes. “I take it that you need an earth pony for whatever you’re going to be doing?”

“Yep,” Twilight said with a nod. “An earth pony body is going to be perfect for my experiments. It’ll be much more durable than a pegasus or a unicorn corpse.”

“And do any of those spells look like they’re going to go awry?” Nero asked.

“I don’t think so,” Twilight replied. “The formulae seem solid and well written. This ritual for turning yourself into a lich in particular seems very well made.”

Looking up from her book, Twilight noticed that two ghosts were floating a few feet near her. They were staring at her motionlessly, their mouths opening and dripping a black, foul-smelling substance. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of their eyes, though it seemed blacker and much, much thicker.

Frowning again, she got up and took a step toward them. “Shoo,” she said, waving them away with a wing. “Shoo. Go away. Get out of here. Bad ghosts. Bad.”

“They’re dead ponies, Twi, not dogs,” Nero said, not looking up from his work. “And why do you want to turn yourself into a lich? You’re already immortal.”

“I don’t want to be a lich, I just think that the ritual is interesting. Besides, you never know when you might need to turn somepony into a lich.”

The ghosts, their forms twitching and distorting sporadically, slowly turned and made their way toward the other end of the graveyard. Twilight, seeing that she had successfully turned away another spook, smiled triumphantly. With a flick of her tail she turned around and sat right back down.

“See? I told you I didn’t need magic to keep the ghosts away from us,” she said smugly.

“They probably saw that you were holding a necromancy book and didn’t want anything to do with you,” Nero replied, tossing a bit of dirt her way. “If I was dead, I wouldn’t want to mess with a pony that was crazy enough to think that making a lich was interesting.”

“You never know, Nero. You might want to have a look at the ritual in a few years,” Twilight said, wiggling the book invitingly. “I might be immortal, but you’re not, and I’d like to have my number two assistant around for a very long time.”

“And be a lich? No thanks,” Nero replied with a grunt. “I like having all of my skin, thank you very much.”

He reached down to grab another rock, marveling at the gravedigger’s hostility toward graverobbers. He honestly couldn’t think of any other reason why there were so many rocks mixed in with this soil.

“Though, it might be nice to have some magic. Then maybe I’d be able to summon a pony that’d be willing to help me dig holes and not just sit around like some lazy manager.”

Twilight bristled. “I’m protecting you from ghosts!”

“Applejack would have hopped in this hole and helped me. You know why? Because she’s a nice little horse that goes out of her way to help people.”

“Applejack wouldn’t help you desecrate a grave,” Twilight said with a dismissive wave of her hoof.

“Because most people don’t go digging up corpses in the middle of the night,” Nero shot back, wiping a bead of sweat away with the back of his hand. “But here we are and—oh god dammit.”

The human took a step back as a ghost floated into the hole, the holes that it had for eyes staring at him unblinkingly. It opened its mouth, revealing rows of broken, jagged teeth, and let out a wail that would have frozen the blood of most living creatures.

Nero, however, wasn’t most living creatures.

“Hey, get out of here,” he said, angrily waving his shovel at the specter. “Stop your wailing and shoo. And I swear to any god listening if you get any of that black goo on my shoes I’m going to shove you in a mason jar and use you as a shitty night light!”

The ghost wailed again as its form shifted and moved each time the tip of the shovel went through it. It floated backwards, still staring at him even as it phased through the earth and disappeared. Nero, giving that part of the hole a little poke to make sure that the spook was gone, looked up at Twilight with a growl.

“What the hell was that?” he demanded, slamming the tip of his shovel into the ground. “I thought you were watching out for ghosts?”

Twilight’s ears folded against her skull. “I was!” she said insistently. “That one just came out of nowhere!”

Nero opened his mouth to start yelling, but at the last second he caught himself. Upset or not, it was never a good idea to yell at one’s boss; especially when he was about to blow up at something as silly as a ghost popping up to try to scare him.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, closing his eyes as he did so. Though the breathing exercise didn’t help as much as he hoped, by the end of it he was calm enough to open his eyes and look at Twilight.

“I’m taking a break,” he said calmly, driving the shovel into the dirt.

Though the hole was deep, Nero pulled himself out of it with practiced ease. Cracking his back, he then sat at the edge of the hole, his feet dangling into the grave, his shoulders sagging.

Twilight, who watched as he dusted his pants off with a dirty hand, bit her lip worryingly. Closing her book, she trotted over and sat down beside him.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t see that ghost, Nero,” she said.

Nero grunted, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his flask. “Don’t worry about it,” he said with a  wave of the hand. “I didn’t see the thing until the last second either.”

“…I’m also sorry about not helping you with the hole at all,” the princess continued, looking down at her hooves in shame. “You were right, I didn’t want to dig. I just wanted to sit back and read my book while you did all of the work. It was wrong as both your boss and as your friend not to at least do a little bit of the work.”

Nero looked over at his boss, feeling the rest of his anger drain from his as he looked her in the eyes. She looked honestly regretful, and even ashamed at what she had done. He sighed to himself, quietly cursing the fact that he couldn’t stay mad at adorable marshmallow horses no matter how hard he tried.

“Don’t be. I know how hard it is for you ponies to dig holes,” he replied, leaning against her and rubbing his temples tiredly. “And I’m sorry that I’m being bitchy tonight. It’s just been a really long day and I’m tired.”

“You have every right to be upset,” Twilight told him, unfurling a wing and wrapping it around him. “I had you working all day and now you’re here in the middle of the night without so much as a thank you.”

“Hey, you offered my overtime and I took it. That’s my fault, not yours.”

“I still should have see how hard I was working you and put this off another day. Or better yet I should have just mared up and come out here myself to do this.”

Twilight looked up at the sky, and Nero found himself looking up with her.

“After we’re done getting the body out of here, I’ll let you take the day off tomorrow,” she promised, giving him a nudge with her wither. “You deserve it after how hard you’ve been working.”

She then smiled, tucking her wing back against her side and standing up. “Now why don’t you take a break while I dig the rest of this hole?”

“Ah, you don’t have to do that,” Nero said, pulling off the top of his flask and taking a drink. “I have to be pretty close to the coffin by now. Another foot or two and we’ll have your body. You’re going to help getting all the dirt back in the hole though.”

With a smile, Twilight nodded. “Alright, it’s a deal,” she said, giving him another nudge. She then giggled, watching as the clouds broke, revealing the moon and the stars. “Isn’t it funny that you can learn friendship lessons in the most unusual of places?”

Nero took another sip from his flask. “I don’t think talking about how best to split up the work in digging up a body can be a friendship lesson,” he said, looking around the graveyard.

As the open sky was revealed, the moon cast its eerie, pale light on everything it could reach. This light washed over the mausoleum, over the tombstones, over the black iron fence that surrounded the land.

The air seemed to shimmer and distort in the moonlight. A breeze swept through the graveyard, causing the old rusty gate that served as the graveyard’s entrance to squeak. The owls that had been hooting just a few moments ago went silent, as did the crickets. The fireflies that flew near the mausoleum extinguished their lights and flew to safer places.

A ghost, who looked no different than any of the others that had appeared before, was suddenly floating near a row of tombstones a few feet of them. A few seconds later, another ghost appeared right next to it. More and more manifested from nothing until a sizable group of them a few feet away from the princess and her assistant.

For nearly a minute, not a single one of them moved. They were as still as a statue and as silent as their graves. Then, for no reason that either Twilight or Nero could discern, the ghosts lifted up their hooves as one and pointed at them.

 G̣̯̩Ȇ̘͓̖͇͍͒̅ͣT̠́̿̃̿̄̔͟ ̱̭͚͈͚̳̈́ͤͫÔ̩͎͍͕̙͛ͤ̃͐ͯ̄U͉̫̖̥̗̜͕ͧ̓̍ͣ̾T͏̞͈͇

“No,” Nero said without hesitation, taking another gulp from his flask. “Unlike all of you, the two of us are busy. So you get out. You freeloaders.”