“Shit,” muttered Raven, her eyes glued to her newspaper. “Son of a bitch, this isn’t good…”
Garrus looked up from his coffee, still tightly clutched in the grasps of sleep. He let out a yawn before adding an absurd amount of sugar and cream to his drink. He was amazed that Raven could be fully awake enough to read this early in the morning, let alone awake enough to swear about what she was reading.
“What?” Garrus yawned again, wondering to himself what he had done to deserve this. “Why are we even here this early? The batpony guards didn’t even clock out yet!”
“Because nothing gets done around here unless I go and do it myself,” said Raven. “And, if I wasn’t here right now, nopony would be around to do damage control.”
“Damage control?”
“Read the paper, featherbrain.” Raven tossed the newspaper at Garrus who lazily caught it.
“Who the hell reads the newspaper these days?” yawned Garrus. He leaned in close to read, his eyes growing wide when he saw the headline. “Celestia exposed? Scandalous photos reveal the secrets of Princess Slutlestia… Oh, man, this isn’t good.” Garrus’s eyes went wide, and he tossed the paper back to Raven. “Those are some… incriminating images. Aw, shit…”
“Aw, shit is right. We’ve got to do something about this,” said Raven. “When’s your shift?”
“Not till 3, which is why I was planning on sleeping in.”
“Well, now you’re planning on helping me save Celestia’s ass. Drink your coffee, then we have to get to work. As member of castle staff, I get my paper a few hours early, so there’s still time to fix this..” Raven chugged her own coffee, ignoring how scalding hot it was. Now was no time for pain. Now was time to get to work. “Meet me by the treasury when you’re done.”
“The treasury? What for?” asked Garrus.
“Technically, grand larceny,” said Raven. Garrus looked at Raven as if she had sprouted a second head. “Don’t worry, it’s a business expense. I can write it off.”
“I think it says something about you that your first concern when about to commit a felony that could land you ten to twenty years in prison is your freaking taxes.” Garrus finished off his coffee then hopped out of his seat, stretching out his wings gingerly. “I don’t think your priorities could be more out of whack, you psycho.”
“Normally, I’d be inclined to agree with you. However, since you’re this psycho’s friend, I don’t think you have the best moral compass. Probably shouldn’t take advice from you in matters such as these.”
Garrus wanted to argue, but, after careful consideration, realized that Raven actually had a really good point.
“Alright, screw it.” He stifled a yawn with his claw before cracking his neck to get down to business. “Let’s go.”
“I can’t help but feel that this is excessively against the law,” said Garrus, dropping another stack of newspapers into the pile. “We just stole from the treasury.”
“Technically, we simply went over budget, and there’s no law against that,” said Raven. “Again, I’ll write it off and it’ll be fine.” She opened the furnace door, a huge wave of heat pouring out from its depths, and began chucking stack after stack of newspapers into the flames.
“Okay, fair enough,” said Garrus. He scooped up two stacks and tossed them into the fire. “But isn’t this technically restricting freedom of speech? The press have a right to print this story and ponies have a right to read it.”
“It’s not immoral to censor the press if the press are assholes slandering the princess’ name.” Raven wiped a bead of sweat from her brow. “So, at worst, this is morally grey.”
“Honestly, I’m only asking cause I wanna know if I can potentially lose my job for this.”
“Oh, nah, you’re good. There’s technically no rule against helping me throw all these newspapers into a fire.”
Garrus sighed tiredly, still not quite able to shake the feeling that he was doing something wrong. As a royal guard in two separate kingdoms, he had a nose for wrongdoing. Still, Raven was certain that they were in the right, and Garrus himself didn’t like the idea of somepony potentially ruining the princess’ image over what had to be a misunderstanding. Plus, Raven needed his help. She helped him before, so now it was time for him to return the favor. Between the two of them, it didn’t take very long to get rid of all of the newspapers. By then, the room had grown uncomfortably hot, and Garrus was very grateful when Raven shut the furnace and headed for the door.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Now, we go find the pony who wrote this story and explain to them that this whole thing is a misunderstanding,” said Raven. “And, if it’s necessary, give him a bit of incentive to retract the story.”
“Really? Bribery?” Garrus buried has face in his claws. “You want to bribe a news outlet?”
“Technically, bribing the press is not a crime.”
Raven trotted out of the room, leaving Garrus alone with his thoughts. This was already starting to get out of hoof. He reaffirmed himself that Raven was his friends, and friends helped one another when the other was in need.
“Oh, and we might have to blackmail them,” said Raven, poking her head back into the room. “I’ll have to pull up my documents… Ah, but don’t worry, blackmail is technically legal, so long as what we’re threatening her with is also legal.”
“You know, you’re getting a lot of mileage out of ‘technically okay’,” noted Garrus.
“Technically right is better than objectively wrong.”
“Fair enough. Lead the way.” Garrus followed Raven out the door and to commit what would be his third “technically legal” activity of the day.
The Canterlot Observer wasn’t far from the castle, only a few blocks away. Raven and Garrus ran to the office in under ten minutes, and it only took another two or three for Raven to talk their way into the offices. As the princess’ sole confidante, she was exceptionally valuable to the press. As such, they tended to try and stay on her good side.
“Who wrote this story, anyway?” asked Garrus as they made their way through the bustling office.
“Preston Pass. Hopefully, he’ll be understanding,” said Raven.
“And if he isn’t?”
“Let’s just hope he’s understanding.”
Raven stopped before an office door, knocking on it firmly. The door opened, revealing a grey pegasus with charcoal eyes. He tilted his head in confusion, looking his guests over.
“May I help you?” he asked.
“Hello, I’m Raven Inkwell, personal adviser to Princess Celestia,” said Raven. “And this is Garrus, of the Solar Guard. I was hoping to have a word with you about the story you ran this morning.”
“Please, come in.” Preston let the two in, shutting his office behind them. He offered them a seat, then bunkered down behind his desk. “So, Ms. Inkwell, what can I do for you.”
“Simply put, I need you to stop printing that story,” said Raven firmly. “While we respect your desire to print something exciting and newsworthy, we must ask you to pull this from your paper.”
“And why should I do that?” asked Preston with a raised eyebrow.
“Because it’s not true,” said Garrus. “And, even if it somehow was true, it’s none of your business. You have to pull the story.”
“Yeah, see, I don’t think I do. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You broke into the castle, the princess’ chambers, to photograph the princess in secret,” said Raven.
“Actually, I didn’t. I was invited in, by Princess Celestia herself,” said Preston. He smirked at Raven’s wide-eyed stare. “Crazy, huh? So, as I said before, I don’t have to take the story down. I’ll reprint and redistribute all month if I want.”
“Okay, even if we believed that Princess Celestia invited you in,” said Garrus. “And, even if we believed that she allowed you to take photos, you referring to them as ‘scandalous’ or ‘evidence of moonlit trysts with a number of unknown stallions’ is not true.”
“Oh, of course. That isn’t true. Luckily, I never said that.” Preston pulled a copy of the paper from his desk and passed it to Garrus. “As you can see, I worded my story very carefully. I said, and I quote, ‘some ponies might consider these images scandalous’. And, later on, ‘possibly’ evidence of ‘potential’ moonlit trysts. I’m just giving the people the information and my own thoughts.”
“You’re intentionally misleading the public!” said Raven, annoyed beyond measure that Celestia had created this issue for her to solve. “And, if nothing else, you cannot call the princess of Equestria a slut. That’s libel.”
“It’s an opinion,” said Preston. He grinned with self-satisfaction, then kicked his hooves up on his desk. “And, more importantly, it’s a money-making story. My job is to write money-making stories, so that’s what I did. Now, if you excuse me, I have another story to write.” Preston grinned again, a sinister glint in his eye. “This one about the princess’ personal assistant attempting to obstruct the truth to protect her employer’s image. Does Celestia know you’re here?” Raven went quiet, glaring, which made Preston chuckle. “Didn’t think so. It wouldn’t look good. So, Ms. Inkwell, I suggest you run along before I absolutely ruin you. Give me a week, I’ll run a story that’ll have you back to shelving books and your boyfriend on the first skychariot back to Griffonstone.”
Raven felt her blood boil, but didn’t say anything. She knew when to back down, and here was a prime example of when to back down. At the moment, she couldn’t do anything about Preston. She would be at an immediate disadvantage if she were to face off with Preston. She decided she’d do the smart thing: retreat, regroup, and form a plan of attack.
Garrus, however, wasn’t content with doing the smart thing.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re an asshole?” asked Garrus. He stood up, a fire burning in his chest. “Don’t you care about what your story might do to Princess Celestia?”
“Honestly? No. She’s been in power for thousands of years, she can handle a little bit of name-calling,” said Preston, insufferably smug in his demeanor. “And, if she can’t… Well, she’s been in power for thousands of years. Maybe it’s time for somepony else to have a try.”
“So you admit, you’re only running this story to defame and discredit the princess!”
“Listen, bird-brain, I don’t know how else to explain this to you. I wrote the story to sell papers, and that’s exactly what the story did. Newsstands all over Canterlot are sold out, begging for a second printing. Papers are moving, and that’s all I care about.”
“Garrus, let it go,” said Raven.
“But he’s—”
“We can’t win this. Not like this. Let him run the story for now.” Raven stood up, turning her back to Preston. “Right now, we’re concerned with damage control. Let’s go contain this mess before it gets out of control.”
“But… Fine.” Garrus let out a huff, following Raven to the door. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Me too, Gary. Me too.
“Ah, Raven, you arrive at last,” said Princess Celestia as her assistant entered the throne room. “You’re late. You’ve always been very punctual. Is everything okay?”
Raven silently crossed the throne room, clutching a newspaper in her mouth. Without a word, she offered it to the princess. Celestia lifted the paper in her sunny yellow glow, then brought it to her face to read. Raven stared at the ground as Celestia read the letter to herself, wincing slightly as the princess let out a gasp of surprise.
“This… This is not the story I thought he’d write…” said Princess Celestia, a faint blush tinging her cheeks. “I… I do not know what to say…”
“Princess, if I’m going to help you fix this, I need to know everything about what happened,” sighed Raven. “Why did you invite this reporter into your chambers?”
“He wanted to ask me a few questions regarding the fundraiser after Day Court. So, I invited him to my chambers for tea and an interview,” explained the princess. “He was such a nice stallion, charming and polite. We had a nice conversation, and he asked if he could take a few photos. I agreed and posed for him. This… This photo was taken in jest. A ‘paint me like one of your Prench mares’ sort of thing. I never expected for him to…”
“Princess, this isn’t good… This story could seriously hurt your image,” said Raven. “We need to figure out how to clean this mess up…”
“Hm… But do we really?” said Celestia.
This woman is going to give me a stroke.
Raven didn’t exactly have any solutions herself, so listening to what Celestia had to say likely wouldn’t hurt. Besides, Celestia was over a thousand years old. Maybe she would have some nugget of wisdom to get them out of this mess.
“Erm… Princess?” said Raven. “What exactly do you mean?”
“What’s so wrong with the princess of Equestria having a more sensual, seductive side?”
Raven wasn’t really sure how to answer that question. If Celestia had to ask, that meant she wouldn’t understand that she was supposed to be a symbol of purity, grace, and chastity. But, just as Raven was about to explain, something clicked in her brain. Maybe, just maybe, Celestia was onto something.
“I… I don’t know,” said Raven. “What are you suggesting?”
“Well, since these photos are already out there…” Celestia gave a small grin. “Why don’t we use them to our advantage?” She could tell that Raven wasn’t quite getting it, which only made the princess smile more. “Do you know how often ponies ask me if I would consider posing for beauty magazines? I think some… risque photoshoots would do wonders for national morale.”
Raven’s jaw just about hit the ground. It was ridiculous to consider. There was no precedent for such a thing. It flew in the face of what the princess should be. And, yet, it was the only solution. The photos were out, the reaction would develop regardless of what they did now, so all they could do is redirect it. It was a brilliant idea.
Too brilliant.
“I’ll contact some photographers now,” said Raven through gritted teeth. “How’s Friday for the shoot?”
“She did this on purpose!” Raven slammed her empty flagon onto the table. “She planned this whole thing out ‘cause she wants to pose for some stupid softcore porn magazine!”
“You sure?” asked Garrus, eyeing his friend carefully. Raven wasn’t exactly a lightweight when it came to drinks, but she was indulging in a few more beers than usual. He’d never seen Raven drunk before, but she seemed to be a touch tipsy.
“How could I have been so stupid?!” said Raven, pounding her hoof against the table. “Even she’s not brainless enough to let some sleaze take photos like that, not if she didn’t have a plan for it.”
“Well, all’s well that ends well, right?” As the barmaid approached, Garrus waved her off. Raven had had enough, as far as Garrus was concerned. “You arrange the shoots, put out a statement to cover your tracks from the first photo, and then you’re golden.”
“No. This isn’t over. I’m still gonna screw over that dickhead at The Observer,” said Raven. “He pissed me off with that shit…”
“Alright, alright, just calm down,” said Garrus. “You okay? You seem like you’re teetering. Maybe we should get you home…”
“Trust me, Gary, I’m not drunk. If I was drunk, you’d know for sure.” Raven gave a tiny hiccup, trying to shake herself sober. “Don’t worry about me. What about you?”
“I’m still on my first beer.”
“You know that’s not what I meant, you dodo. The mare. You still chasing her?”
“Eh… Not really,” said Garrus. “I mean, I’ve got one more trick for when she comes in tonight, but… You were right. She’s not interested, and I was just wasting my time. So, if this doesn’t work, I’m just gonna let her go.”
Almost as if summoned by the conversation about her, Moon Shine entered the bar. Just like every day before, she went right for the bar and ordered her drink. Garrus watched with bated breath as the barmaid brought Moon Shine her drink, then a bouquet of roses on his behalf. Moon Shine didn’t even wait for the barmaid to explain before she stomped across the room. She glared past Raven, locking eyes with Garrus.
“I don’t know how I can possibly make this more clear for you, so I’m just going to come out and say it,” said Moon Shine through gritted teeth. “I am not interested in you, nor have I ever been interested in you, nor will I ever be interested in you. I don’t care what you do for a living, I don’t care what you’re willing to offer me, I don’t care about any of that. I would sincerely hate to have to get the authorities involved, but if you don’t leave me alone, I will. I’m guessing you’re not ready to be shipped back to Griffonstone yet, right?” She was met with silence. “Exactly what I thought. So you can take your drinks and cakes and flowers, turn them sideways, and shove them up your feathery ass. Now leave me alone.”
Moon Shine turned and returned to the bar, leaving Garrus to stare blankly at the table. He blushed in embarrassment, regretting his actions for the first time since initially talking to Moon Shine. Raven clenched her jaw, her blood boiling in her veins. Nopony spoke to her friend like that.
“I’ll be back,” snarled Raven.
“Rave, wait—” Garrus’ pleas fell on deaf ears. Raven slowly made her way across the bar, Garrus following closely behind her. He tried to get Raven to stop, but she was determined. Raven stopped beside Moon Shine, who barely seemed to notice her.
“Hey,” said Raven flatly.
“What do you want?” huffed Moon.
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re a bitch?”
Moon Shine stopped, lowering her drink to the bar counter. She turned in her stool to face Raven, a cold icy stare beaming onto the Royal Adviser.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to say this for ages. You’re a huge bitch! Gary’s been nothing but polite to you! He’s been nice, and all he’s asking is for you to give him a chance, and you can’t do that, can you?” shouted Raven. She was starting to attract stares, but she didn’t care. She was beyond angry by this point. “He’s a nice guy, a good-looking, polite, good-hearted gentleman, which is way more than you deserve! Whatever he sees in you, I don’t get it, ‘cause he deserves better than a stuck-up, conceited, self-centered, mean-spirited bitch like you!”
By this point, the whole bar was staring. Garrus couldn’t look directly at Raven or Moon Shine, instead directing his gaze towards the floor. If he had managed to look at either mare, he would’ve been witness to what was quite possible the most intense, fiery glares in history. Moon Shine’s lip twitched as her anger rose, to an almost insurmountable level.
“Come with me,” hissed Moon Shine. “Outside. Now.”
“Whoa, ladies, let’s not,” said Garrus, snapping out of his stupor. “You don’t have to—”
“Both of you. Outside. Now.”
Moonshine rose from her stool, then, after giving Raven her best glare, departed from the bar. Raven ran after her, followed by Garrus. If Moon Shine wanted a fight, then Raven was more than happy to give it to her.
Raven pushed open the door and stepped into the cool night. She followed Moon Shine around the bar and down the alley adjacent to the bar. Garrus hurried to break up the impending fight, sliding in between the two feuding mares and holding them apart with his claws.
“Don’t do this,” said Garrus. “Raven, it’s okay. Don’t fight her on my behalf.”
“We’re not here to fight, “ said Moon Shine. “Shut up for a minute and let me speak.”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, lady,” said Raven. “I have half a mind to—”
“Raven Inkwell, stop speaking, lest you make things worse for yourself.” Moon Shine lit up her horn, surrounding all three of them in a dense, opaque dome of cerulean light. “Are you two the densest beings in Equestria, or is it just me? You just about blew my cover!”
“What?” Garrus tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean, cover?”
“Wait… How do you know my name?” asked Raven.
”Ugh. You morons!” Moon Shine lit up her horn again, bathing her body in light. She grew slightly in height, slimming out a bit around the neck. Her mane grew longer, and it shimmered as if caught in a breeze. Out of her back unfurled two large blue wings.
“You two have been a massive pain in my ass,” snarled Princess Luna. “Do you know how long it took me to find a bar like this?”
Raven and Garrus stared in disbelief, their jaws dropped from the sheer shock. Luna massaged her temples in annoyance.
“Listen, Garrus, I don’t have anything against you,” sighed Luna. “But, technically, I’m your boss, and dating you would be unethical. I couldn’t exactly say that, so I was hoping you’d take the hint.”
“I’ve been hitting on Princess Luna…” said Garrus, his voice dead and hollow.
“I called Princess Luna a bitch…” said Raven, her voice similarly dead. “I’m going to die…”
“Oh, stop being dramatic. I’ve been banished to the moon for a thousand years,” huffed Luna. “I can handle a bit of name-calling. Just buy me a drink and we’ll call it even.”
Luna lit up her horn, returning her disguise spell. She straightened her mane with a hoof, then turned out of the valley. Raven and Garrus shared a glance, still not quite believing what they had seen.
“Um… It’s my turn to buy drinks, right?” asked Garrus. Raven clutched her head, trying to blink some logic back into the situation.
“Yeah…” sighed Raven. “Would you mind walking me home? I think I’ve had a few too many…”