Post-coital muffins taste better than any other muffins.
Derpy and I were curled up on her bed, engaged in a bit of the obligatory cuddling while demolishing our third plate of freshly baked muffins. Normally I wouldn’t stick around for the morning after, but Derpy got me to make an exception to the normal rule by tempting me with the prospect of wake-up banging and breakfast muffins. Don’t let the wall-eyes and tendency to be a clumsy goofball fool you, she can be one sneaky pony when she sets her mind to it. If baked goods were going to be part of the deal, I might even have to think about bumping this up from one-night-stand to a semi-regular friends-with-benefits sort of thing.
Eventually we shifted from the bed to the kitchen table. To be honest if we’d stayed in bed much longer the two of us would’ve ended up telling our respective bosses that we’d come down with a sudden case of pony pox and needed the day off. Possibly several.
If not for the fact that I’d just gotten promoted I probably would’ve done it. Tempting as the idea was, skipping out of work to have a non-stop sex marathon wasn’t exactly the best way to prove that the boss was right about tossing more responsibility my way.
At some point the two us started chatting about our Flight Camp days. Celestia, when did we turn into a couple of old grey mares who went on about the good old days? I guess Derpy had a bit of a head start on me there; her coat was already grey and she was a year older than me.
Derpy told me about one of the boss’ fillyhood exploits I hadn’t been there to see. “So then he says. ‘We’re all bigger than you and there’s four of us, so get out of the way! In fact, you better hand over your lunch money too.’ I was a little worried Rainbow Dash might just leave me with those bullies, but instead she just looked the colt straight in the eye and said, ‘So go get a couple more friends and it’ll be a fair a fight.’”
I couldn’t help chuckling at that; it was just like the boss. Most ponies who didn’t get to know her until later in life wouldn’t believe it, but Rainbow Dash has actually mellowed out a bit as she’s gotten older. Back when she was a filly, you probably could’ve convinced her that she could take Celestia, Luna, and Discord on in a fight and win.
Memories of Rainbow Dash and Flight Camp naturally brought the final member of our little group to mind. “Did you know it took me a week to learn Fluttershy’s name wasn’t ‘Eepysqueak?’” I asked in between chuckles. In my defense, when I’d introduced myself and asked her what her name was ‘Eepysqueak’ had been Fluttershy’s answer and she never corrected me when I started calling her that. By the time I learned her real name, I’d gotten so used to calling her Eepysqueak that it kind of stuck around as a nickname.
Too bad the fond Fluttershy memories didn’t last long. It was kind of hard to remember the good old days without thinking about what came afterwards.
Fortunately, two ponies coming through Derpy’s front door interrupted that train of thought before I could get mopey. Not-so-fortunately, the two ponies in question were her daughters.
Dinky was way too young and innocent to grasp the implication of my presence. On the other hoof, her adoptive big sister stared at me and Derpy with a look of mingled horror and fascination on her face. Sparkler was old enough to put two and two and two together and come up with ‘Sweet Celestia, my mom just had sex!’
Slipping out of the bedroom around three in the morning like I normally prefer doing makes it a lot easier to avoid situations like this. It’s not my fault; Derpy seduced me with the prospect of breakfast muffins.
Fortunately for the both of us, I knew how to come up with a good cover story. Kind of a necessity when you have my lifestyle. “Good morning, girls. Sorry to keep your mom from you, but I need to borrow her for weather duty.”
Derpy grinned and nodded, going along with the story. It was a semi-plausible excuse for why I would be at her house so early in the morning. Sparkler was sharp enough to still be suspicious, though. “I thought mom wasn’t allowed to do weather duty anymore?”
“I decide who’s on my squad, nopony else. The weather’s a pegasus thing, and last time I checked the Mayor’s an Earth Pony. Until she grows a pair of wings and gets promoted over me, she doesn’t have any say in who works the weather. Besides, your mom and I go way back. Same with her and Rainbow Dash. If I say your mom’s on my squad, it means she’s on my squad.”
Technically, all of that was true. However, the reality of the situation was a bit more complicated than the version I’d given Derpy’s daughters. While I was within my rights to just tell the Mayor to buck off when it came to my weather squad, pissing off the mayor of Ponyville would make life messy and complicated for everyone. There are plenty of things the Mayor could do to make things harder for the weather squad, not to mention that any conflict between the weather team and Mayor could end up turning into a pegasus vs earth pony thing.
Pegasi have always been a bit of a race apart from the other two flavors of ponies. After all, we could spend pretty much our entire lives up in the clouds if we really wanted to. Way back before Equestria’s founding, it was a point of pride for many pegasi to never set hoof on the ground unless they had to. We’re a bit more reasonable now, but we still take a bit pride in our independence. As a general rule, pegasi like doing pegasi things the pegasi way and to Tartarus with anypony who has a problem with that.
That kind of attitude makes for problems when it comes to dealing with groundbound authorities. It’s easy to mistake the pegasi independent streak for arrogance – a belief that we’re better than other ponies and don’t have to follow their rules. Most pegasi would see me bringing Derpy onto my team as me doing what team leaders do, and agree that the Mayor didn’t have any business involving herself with who was on my roster. On the other hoof, most of the groundbound ponies would see me picking a pony the Mayor didn’t want doing weather work as me deliberately defying the authority of the Mayor, and acting like the rules didn’t apply to me. It’d be easy for the whole thing to get blown out of proportion and turned into a big deal.
No wonder there’s an annual Heath’s Warming Eve play; without the reminder of how important it is to get along with each other in a dangerous world, we’d probably never get along. Then again, the fact that ponies like Celestia and Luna exist would seem to indicate that even in the pre-harmony days some ponies were able to look past the tribal barriers long enough to bang.
I gave Derpy a couple minutes to say goodbye to her fillies before the two of us left her home. Once we were safely out sight and earshot I spoke to my wall-eyed companion. “That was a close one. Think they bought it?”
“Sparkler is smart,” Derpy answered ominously.
Damn. Smart kids usually meant awkward talks after I left. At least Sparkler was old enough to know what was going on; I really hoped that she was also savvy enough to be evasive with Dinky until Derpy could sit her down and explain the birds and the bees. Or the birds and the birds, as the case may be.
However it worked out, Derpy telling her youngest the facts of life was something I didn’t want to get anywhere close to. “So, you’ve got work at the Post Office, right?”
Derpy shook her head. “I’ve got today off.”
Well, I had already kind of made the offer when I’d come up with the cover story for her kids... “Up for a little cloud pushing?”
“I can always use the extra bits, but I thought the Mayor didn’t want me to–”
“It’s like I told your kids; my team, my choice.”
Derpy gave me a tentative smile. “Alright then.”
I was a little disappointed to see that Blossom wasn’t around when we got to the town square. The bosses up in Cloudsdale didn’t think that Ponyville was a big enough town to rate its own weather center, so the Ponyville detachment usually just met up at the square or somewhere else that could accommodate a reasonable number of ponies. There was a weather office in Town Hall, but that was way too small to even fit a single squad; it was mainly so farmers and other ponies could have somewhere to submit their weather requests.
Rainbow Dash looked a bit surprised when I flew up with Derpy. Just to be safe, I cut off any potential objections before she could say them. “I’m just bringing her in for the one shift boss. My squad will take the high-altitude stuff; nopony on the ground’ll be able to tell she’s here too, and I’ll keep an eye on her.”
With any other pony my request would’ve fallen on deaf ears, but the boss didn’t need much convincing to toss a little work Derpy’s way. Derpy and I might not be her closest buddies any more, but were still old friends. That counts for a lot. “Alright, but stick close to her, Cloud Kicker. If I hear one ‘I just don’t know what went wrong!’ or ‘Oops, my bad!’ you’re gonna be responsible for fixing whatever it is she broke.”
Derpy shot me an innocently enthusiastic grin as I swallowed my terror. Derpy might be a sweetheart, but her capacity for accidental destruction was mind-boggling. Rebuilding half of Ponyville on an assistant manager’s salary would put me in the poorhouse for years.
I must’ve been doing something right to build up a lot of good karma, because work actually went pretty smoothly despite being partnered with Derpy for my entire shift. I just don’t know how I managed to get through an entire day with the most accident-prone pony in Equestria without a single thing going wrong.
Well, maybe all the accidents just hadn’t happened yet. Maybe as soon as I turned my back all the clouds would fall apart and explode. Clouds don’t normally explode, but when it comes to Derpy it’s not a good idea to rule out any potential catastrophe.
Then again, as long as the clouds didn’t explode during my shift, it wasn’t my problem.
Hanging out with Derpy was a blast (in the non-explodey sense). We had plenty of old stories about our fillyhood hijinks to toss around, and then there were Derpy’s stories about her girls and a couple of my crazier exploits. We hadn’t really had a chance to hang out since we both went to the Best Young Fliers competition up at Cloudsdale. Well, we’d run into each other at the Sisterhooves Social, but we hadn’t really spent any time together.
Gotta say, Derpy’s routine at the BYF was ... well it was something. I think the judges gave her the third place medal just because none of them wanted to admit that they had no clue what they’d just witnessed. Managing to leave the Wonderbolts dumbfounded was something to be proud of.
I might’ve snagged the silver medal (nopony stood a chance of beating the boss’ Sonic Rainboom) except that right in the middle of the most crucial part of my routine I spotted a pair of really hot twins waving at me. Sure, the distraction had cost me the competition, but considering what happened afterwards I still think I went home a winner.
Derpy and I did have a bit of a laugh as we remembered the boss’ pre-flight antics. I would’ve let her steal my number to give her a bit of time to deal with her stage fright, but I wound up with #3. Besides, I’d kinda been hoping that I might actually have a chance to win if the boss was down with nerves. In any case, Derpy was last on the list, and she made sure Dash didn’t have a hard time switching their numbers.
Y’know, in hindsight maybe I should’ve hooked up with Derpy a bit sooner. She was a great pony: fun to be around, a total sweetheart, and she has the best damn muffin I’ve ever eaten. Her baked goods were pretty tasty too.
Right as we were about to break for the day, I caught sight of the pony I’d been missing more than I’d expected to for most of the afternoon. I hadn’t realized it before, but the promotions Blossom and I got came with one big downside: Now that we each had our own squads to run, we wouldn’t get to spend nearly as much time working together.
“Hey Blossom!” I’d flown most of the way over to her and was just about to dive in for a good old tackle-hug when I noticed she didn’t seem all that happy to see me. Uh oh. I nervously landed on on the cloud she’d been sitting on. “Um – Blossom? Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know you,” Blossom snapped at me.
Okay... “Uh – yeah you do Blossom. It’s me. Cloud Kicker. Your best of best buds, remember? Do you have amnesia or something?”
“Best buds?” I was starting to think Blossom might be just a tiny bit peeved with me. The way she was screaming in my face kind of hinted at it. “Best friends trust each other! Best friends listen to each other! Best friends don’t just brush somepony off when they’re trying to help!”
I placed my hooves on her shoulders and shoved her back a bit to get her out of my face. “Geez Blossom, what the hay has gotten into you?” I nervously looked around; our budding argument was already starting to pick up a bit of an audience. At least being up on a cloud kept all of Ponyville’s groundbound citizens from joining in on the gawking. Still, we were making a bit of a public spectacle.
I was halfway tempted to do something crazy like kiss her in the hopes that it would leave her way too shell-shocked to think about being upset anymore. Under the circumstances that probably wouldn’t work though. At best it would be a temporary solution that would just make her twice as mad once she got over her shock, and at worst she would know exactly what I was trying to do and it would push her into full-on rage mode. Besides, I’m all for a bit of harmless teasing, but moving all the way up to kissing was taking things way too far. There are some lines a pony shouldn’t cross.
Blossom gave an aggressive flap of her wings that came close to buffeting me. “Oh I’m sorry, maybe I’m just a little mad that my so-called best friend doesn’t trust me! I thought our friendship actually meant something to you, but apparently it doesn’t. It seems to me like only part of our so-called friendship that you give a flying feather about is embarrassing me for your own amusement!”
I’d been starting to feel a bit defensive just on instinct, but that last comment deflated me in an instant. “Is this about the teasing? ‘Cause if it bugs you I’ll stop. I thought it was all in good fun; if I’d known it was bothering you I never would’ve...”
“It’s not about that!” Blossom snarled at me. For a second I thought she might actually slap me, but instead she just slumped down. It was as if she’d just suddenly run out of anger, and without her rage to push her forward she didn’t have anything left. “Why don’t you trust me, Cloud Kicker? Haven’t I been a good friend?” I saw the first hints of moisture gathering in her eyes.
Oh Celestia, here comes the guilt. On the bright side, the part of my brain that wasn’t feeling like absolute horseapples for making Blossom sad was finally starting to figure out what the problem was. “You’re upset because I didn’t tell you about the thing with Fluttershy?”
Blossom nodded and grunted out a weak affirmation.
“Oh Blossom...” I pulled her into hug. It gave her some comfort, and it meant that if she went from watery-eyed to full-blown crying I wouldn’t have to see the tears. “Sweetie, you are my best friend, and I do trust you. The whole Fluttershy thing ... it’s just a big nasty painful complicated mess that I don’t like talking about. I’ve never told anypony about it.”
Blossom hugged me back. That was usually a good sign. Crisis averted.
Just when it looked like everything was going to be okay, Derpy decided to help. “Hey Cloud Kicker, if you don’t wanna tell Blossomforth what happened I could tell her for you.”
Celestia.
Dammit.
Derpy.
Blossom broke off the hug. She looked ... calm. Not the good kind of calm. The kind of calm where a pony is so unbelievably enraged that they’ve moved completely beyond anger. I might’ve taken my best shot at running away, if not for the fact that Blossomforth still had her forelegs wrapped around me.
“You told Derpy.” Blossom’s tone was flat and emotionless. A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach told me it was because there was no way to fit all the anger she felt into her voice.
I hastily tried to explain myself. “Well, actually it was–”
“You lied to me.” Blossom’s grip tightened, and not in a good way. “You lied to me!”
“Wait! I can explain! It was–”
“I can’t believe you.” How was I supposed to clear this up when Blossom wouldn’t even let me get a word in edgewise? “You’ll spill the whole thing to one of your little one-night stands, but when I ask you to trust me you lie to me and–”
“Derpy isn't just some one-night stand,” I blurted out. I mean sure, my hook-up with her was (at least so far) a one-time thing, but the whole reason she knew about what happened with me and Fluttershy was because we were old friends, and she’d been there when the whole thing had gone down. The fact that we’d banged last night was totally irrelevant.
Blossom looked at me as if I’d suddenly sprouted a second head. “What? You – you – what?” She took a few stumbling steps back from me and plopped her flank down on the cloud. “You – Derpy is – what? You don’t – you never...” Oh Luna. I think I broke her. And I’m not even sure what it was I’d done.
“Alright, show’s over everypony! Get outta here!” I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see the boss in my life. While there are times when I don’t object to having an audience, Blossom didn’t need to have most of the weather team watching our argument.
Derpy flew over to Blossom, and a second later I felt a blue hoof on my back. “C’mon, we gotta talk.” I shot a worried look over my shoulder at Blossom as the boss led me away.
Once we got to a reasonably private set of clouds, the boss started reading me the riot act. “I don’t need my two assistant managers getting into a yelling match in front of the entire weather team. I thought you two were friends. What the hay is going on?”
“I think Blossom and I are having some friendship problems.”
“No, really?” The boss took a couple deep breaths and toned the angry sarcasm down a couple notches. “What’s the deal?”
I sighed. “She found out about the thing with Fluttershy. She wanted to know about it, I didn’t wanna tell her, and it turned into a ... thing.”
The boss groaned and facehoofed. “That again? That was years ago! I thought you and Fluttershy settled it!”
I couldn’t quite bring myself to meet the boss’ eyes. “We apologized to each other and everything, but ... well things are still weird between us. Not everypony can fix their friendship problems by apologizing and letting you smack them.”
The boss let out a sheepish chuckle at that. “Hey, I didn’t get the whole story from Fluttershy before I ... well you were there, you know what happened.”
“Yeah, and I totally would’ve kicked your flank if Derpy hadn’t stopped us.”
Rainbow Dash let out a derisive snort. “Oh please! I had you on the ropes.”
“You know, if you’d actually won the fight you would’ve had even more to apologize for once it was all over. Either way, I was gonna win.”
“Yeah yeah, but I still would’ve won the fight.” Rainbow and I stared each other down for a few seconds, until we couldn’t keep straight faces anymore. Dash started laughing first though. It felt good to have a laugh after the whole mess with Blossom.
After a couple minutes of some much-needed stress relief, Rainbow Dash got back down to business. “Look, I don’t wanna get all mixed up in your personal lives, but you’re gonna come up with some way to fix this or else I’m gonna do the nastiest thing I can think of.” She smirked down at me as she delivered the most terrifying threat I’d ever heard come out of a pony’s mouth. “I’m gonna tell Fluttershy that you got into an argument with Blossomforth, and I’m gonna tell that the argument was about her.”
“Oh, that’s a low blow boss!” A part of me couldn’t help but be impressed by her ruthlessness. There was only one way telling Fluttershy about the situation could end; a tearful yellow pegasus begging me for forgiveness and laying down the most crushing unintentional guilt trip ever. Seriously, nopony can make you feel like a total mule quite like Fluttershy can. I would know.
“Hey, I got no problem with fighting dirty if that’s what it takes to win.”
“I do recall there being some feather-pulling and mane-yanking when you tried fighting me...”
“Which is why I would’ve won the fight,” Rainbow concluded proudly.
“Yeah sure, whatever you say boss.”
Derpy and Blossom were taking a lot longer to have their talk than Rainbow and I needed. Maybe the fact that Rainbow and I were both fond of taking the direct approach to things helped with that. These kinds of sensitive talks go a lot quicker and easier when both ponies involved just get right down to business and give straight answers instead of dancing around the subject and stuff.
Eventually, Rainbow and I got tired of waiting for the other two ponies. The boss told me to go home, and promised to send Blossom my way once she was done talking to Derpy.
I spent the time waiting for Blossom to show tidying my place up. I got rid of the last bits of grape jelly from a couple nights back, put clean sheets on the bed, and just generally made the place a bit nicer-looking. Having my home look presentable when Blossom turned up couldn’t hurt things. Besides, I’d go crazy if I didn’t have something to keep myself occupied while I was waiting.
I had just finished shoving some of my favorite toys into a box in the closet when I heard the sound of a hoof knocking on my door. I nervously checked my mane in the mirror. Then I checked my breath. Then I double-checked that I didn’t have any mud on my hooves. Finally, I stopped making excuses to put it off any longer and opened the door.
Blossom stood in my doorway. “Um – Hey.” Blossom coughed nervously and couldn’t bring herself to meet my eyes.
“Hey.” So much for my smooth and irresistible charm. Sometimes my life would be a lot less complicated if I was just trying to bang her instead of being her friend. My ‘get ponies into bed’ skills were more finely tuned than my ‘be a good friend’ skills.
“So...” Blossom finally broke the awkward silence. “You and Derpy, huh?”
Finally, a break from awkward tension. For me, anyway. “Yup,” I said with a nod.
Blossom took a deep breath and very artlessly declared, “You hit that. You tapped that flank. Was it – um – phat?”
I stared at her. “Who are you, and what have you done with the real Blossomforth?”
Blossom nervously pawed at the ground. “Sorry. I just ... I thought maybe it would help if I actually tried to – you know – talk about mating. Since, well...”
“I am kind of a big fan of it,” I conceded. I have to admit, the fact that she was willing to talk about a topic she was very uncomfortable with just to reach out a bit to me was pretty sweet. “So yeah, Derpy. Gal has the best muffin I’ve ever eaten. You should try it some time.”
“The best, huh?” Blossom arched an incredulous eyebrow. “I guess that would explain her obsession.”
“I don’t think she’s that flexible.”
Blossom immediately choked, which was an impressive feat to pull off with a mouthful of air. I suppressed a grin. “You’d like it,” I assured her. “Her baking’s pretty amazing, too.”
As Blossom sputtered haplessly in my doorway, I knew that this friendship problem was well on its way to being solved. Everything was back to normal. I wondered if the Princess would want a letter about this...
“Dear Princess Celestia: Today I’ve learned that one of the best ways to defuse awkward tensions among friends is to introduce other awkward tensions. It’s not really a defusal, per se, more like a deflection. Except not the bad kind of deflection, like happened when I wouldn’t tell Blossom about what happened with Fluttershy. It’s more of a fun deflection, like winning a pillow fight with a pair of wingies. Sincerely, Cloud Kicker.”
I can only imagine how Twilight would react if I tried to send that. Especially if I added a postscript asking the Princess if she wanted to bang sometime.
I hopped up onto my couch with Blossom half a step behind. We could’ve had plenty of space to ourselves, but instead we sat right next to each other. It seemed right to have that kind of casual physical contact. Like another way of affirming that everything was back to normal.
After a minute or so of companionable silence Blossom spoke up, “So, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s – how are things with you and Derpy? It – from what you said earlier it sounds like things between you two are – well – different from your normal.”
I frowned and thought that over. “Yeah, I guess they are. It’s weird. Maybe it’s because of that old friendship thing, but when it came time to pull my usual departure ... I didn’t feel like leaving.” Maybe not the most profound of explanations, but that’s really all there was to it. There was no plan or reason behind it; I’d stuck around because I felt like it. Considering how much I stuck to my rules and routines, it was kinda scary to break from the norm like that. And yet ... I was curious to see where it would end up leading.
Blossom tossed a nervous glance my way. “Do you think she might be The One?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the hopeless romanticism of that. “I just banged her last night, Blossom. Let’s not start planning the wedding yet. I’m not even sure there’s gonna be more to it than just the one night and being better friends from now on.” Well, if I had my way I’d definitely be getting a couple more bites at the muffin, and Derpy didn’t seem to mind the idea. “It’s probably not gonna be anything super-serious though. I don’t think either of us is looking for that, and it’s not like we’re head-over-hooves in love. It’s just ... fun.”
Then again, ‘fun’ is a good place to start any sort of relationship. Anypony who thinks it’s all about Love At First Sight, epic romance, and looks doesn’t have much experience with making real relationships last. Infatuation fades and unless you’re Celestia or Luna your looks are gonna start to go eventually, but fun lasts forever. If I’m gonna wake up next to the same pony every single day, it’s gonna be somepony I enjoy being around. So far, I enjoyed spending time with Derpy.
“Oh.” A slow smile made its way onto Blossom’s face. “I guess that’s good, right? Besides, I really can’t imagine you helping Derpy raise her girls.”
“Hey!” I gave her a playful little shove. “I’ll have you know I’m damn good with kids! I’d be an awesome role model parental figure-type-pony.”
“Yeah, sure you would. After all, you’ve got so much experience with foals.” Not even the boss’ fillyfriend could’ve missed that much sarcasm.
“Hey, if you don’t admit that I’d be awesome with kids then I’ll never tease you again,” I threatened.
“Oh no. Anything but that. I don’t know how I could possibly survive if you didn’t embarrass me on a regular basis.”
I grinned and snuggled up a little closer. “You’re cute when you’re a smartass.”
Blossom chuckled at me. “I thought you weren’t gonna tease me anymore?”
“I changed my mind.” I declared with every bit of primness I could muster. “It’s a mare’s prerogative to be inconsistent and change her mind whenever she pleases.”
Blossom and I looked at each other, and we both struggled to keep a straight face. She definitely started laughing first. Honest.
We spent the next couple of hours just chatting about nothing in particular. Having a night together just hanging out with each other was doing wonders to patch things back up.
Of course, the fact that alone time was the perfect thing for fixing our friendship meant that somepony started knocking on my door.
I went up to the door and took a look through the peephole to see who would dare to mess up my private time with Blossom. A second later, I was scrambling back from the door. “Hush Blossom!” I whispered. “If she doesn’t think anypony’s home, she’ll go away!”
“Who is it?” Blossom’s question came out way too loud for my tastes, so I shoved a hoof over her mouth. Instead of getting the message that she needed to shut up right now, she got annoyed with me, and went over to have a look for herself. After she’d looked out the peephole, she turned to me with a very worried frown. “Cloud Kicker, why are you hiding from one of the Royal Guards? Are you in trouble? Did you ... did you do something bad?”
“No!” I hastily whisper-shouted. “I’ll explain later, but for the love of Celestia just hide and be quiet until she’s gone!”
“Cloud Kicker,” the pony outside my door called out. “I know you’re in there. I can hear you and your little friend talking.”
With a groan, I signalled Blossom to open the door. A second later, a pony dressed in the armor of one of the Princess’ Royal Guards strode into my home. I forced myself to sound just a little bit cheerful. “Hi, Mom.”
“Mom?” Blossom’s jaw dropped as she stared between the two of us. “You’re Cloud Kicker’s mother?”
“Indeed I am.” Mom gave Blossom a critical once-over, and then turned to me. “I don’t know how you managed to win this one over. She seems much nicer than the ponies I usually catch you with. Certainly better than that griffin who was here the last time I visited.”
Blossom mouthed the word ‘griffin’ in shock. I shrugged. Where did she think hippogriffs came from? To be honest though, he hadn’t been all that great.
I should probably clear up any potential misconceptions before they got out of hand. “You got the wrong idea mom, Blossom and I are just friends.”
“Oh, I see.” Most parents might have been a bit skeptical of that claim, but Mom knew I wouldn’t bother lying to her about who I was banging. No real point in hiding my sex life after that time she walked in on me with the Doughnut Twins (Muncher and Hole), a can of whipped cream, and a donkey.
Now that had been awkward.
Of course, Mom couldn’t leave well enough alone. “I suppose I should’ve known the two of you weren’t involved; she seems a bit too respectable for you.”
I did my best to ignore the barb. “Why are you here, Mom?” In my experience, having Mom show up unannounced on my doorstep was rarely a good thing.
“There’s no need to be so confrontational dear,” Mom answered primly. The way she was trying to stand on the moral high ground as if she hadn’t done more than her share of bad parenting really got under my feathers. “Perhaps I simply wanted to have a pleasant visit with my daughter.”
Yeah right, and maybe I was about to adopt a celibate lifestyle. “Why are you here?” I ground out.
“You make it sound as if I must have some sort of ulterior motive.” Mom somehow managed to make herself seem like she was completely innocent and I was horribly wronging her by asking a perfectly reasonable question.
“Because you always do!” Well, there goes my self-control. “Let me guess, you want to chew me out for not telling you I got promoted? Or is it time for the semi-annual ‘You should settle down and join the Royal Guard like everypony else in the family’ speech? Or do you want me to do something for you instead of being here to tell me all about how I’m an inadequate daughter? Whatever it is, Blossom and I were kinda in the middle of a pleasant evening, so shoo.”
Mom sighed and moved into drama-mode. “I tried to be civil, but I suppose I was expecting too much of you to think you could actually carry on a conversation like a decent pony. Very well, strictly business then. My unit’s been called up for an emergency deployment to Fillydelphia and I couldn’t find somepony reliable to take care of your sister on such short notice.”
I did my best to reign in my temper. “You want me to foalsit for ‘lula? Well why didn’t you just say so? That’d be great!” With how I got along with Mom, I didn’t get many chances to hang out with my little sister. Apparently Mom was convinced I would be a bad influence on her or something, though I figure there was no way I could possibly be worse than that controlling she-witch who’d somehow produced the both of us.
No wonder Dad left her.
“Well, I would have said as much if somepony hadn’t been so hostile the instant I walked through the door.”
“Oh yeah?” I snapped right back. “Well maybe somepony shouldn’t have spent my entire childhood being such a–”
“Quit it!” Mom and I both went silent from shock when Blossom interjected herself into our conversation. Blossom turned to Mom. “Cloud Kicker’s little sister is waiting outside, right?”
Mom got a bit defensive at that. “Well yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with–”
“Then she can probably hear you two arguing.” Blossom cut her off. “How do you think she feels about that?”
“Oh.” For the first time in recent memory, Mom actually started to back down. “Yes, you’re right of course. I shouldn’t have risen to the bait when Cloud Kicker–”
“You started it,” Blossom snapped. “Trust me, I can recognize passive-aggressive button-pushing when I see it.”
Mom opened and closed her mouth a couple times, but couldn’t seem to think of a good response to that. Eventually, she just walked out the door.
I grinned at Blossom. “For the record, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen you do. I mean it. I have never been more sexually attracted to you than I am at this moment.”
“Thanks.” Blossom managed to get the word out with only a little bit of a blush.
A few seconds later Alula walked through the door, loaded down with her saddlebags. The last chance I’d gotten to spend some quality time with her was back during the Sisterhooves Social. Third place wasn’t shabby at all, and considering the shenanigans Applejack and Rarity were up to we technically got second because they should have been disqualified. Not that it really mattered, since there weren’t any prizes at stake beyond bragging rights. “Hey ‘lula. Been awhile.”
“Yeah it has, Kicky.” You could definitely tell ‘lula and I were sisters: her coat was a slightly lighter shade of yellow than my mane, and her mane was a pretty close match to my coat. “Were you fighting with Mom again?”
“Maybe a little.” Blossom might have read Mom the riot act for it, but I couldn’t help feeling responsible for my part in dragging ‘lula into the situation between me and Mom. It’s not like I wanted to drag her into it, but it’s kinda hard to hide the fact that I don’t get along with Mom. We’ve always butted heads from time to time, but for the last year or so things have been really bad. At least the fact that Dad also couldn’t stand being around her anymore proves it was mostly her fault things had gotten to the point where we couldn’t stand being in the same room with each other.
Well, nothing a quick and obvious change of topic couldn’t fix. “Hey ‘lula, I’d like you meet my friend, Blossomforth. Blossom, this is my baby sister, Alula.”
“I’m not a baby anymore,” ‘lula whined.
“Until you’re full-grown, I say you’re a baby.”
Blossom gave a little laugh at that, and held out a hoof for ‘lula to shake. “Nice to meet you.”
“Well, how about you two get acquainted while I go set up the bedroom for ‘lula?” Well, perhaps ‘sanitize’ and ‘filly-proof’ would be better words to use. Sure, I’d done a bit of cleaning while I waited for Blossom to show up, but between my old wing-blades and the box of ‘toys’ a curious filly could find all kinds of things if she started poking her nose around in places it didn’t belong.
Once I finished relocating all the filly-unfriendly items to the upper shelves of my closet, I stepped back out into my living room. I counted my blessings that Flight Camp was still a while off for ‘lula – after she learned to fly, filly-proofing was gonna be a lot harder. ‘lula and Blossom seemed to be hitting it off, so I shifted to the kitchen to make sure I’d moved all the alcohol safely out of reach. Actually, as long as I was in my kitchen and had everything together... “Blossom, ‘lula, you guys thirsty?”
“Do you have any lemonade?” Figures ‘lula would ask for that; it was always her favorite. Lucky for her I was pretty fond of it myself, so I did.
“Lemonade sounds good to me too,” Blossom chimed in.
“Alright, lemonade for everypony then.” I opened up my fridge, and pulled out the lemonade. To my disappointment, there was only enough there for two ponies. Well, there was some more in the back, but that was my ‘special’ lemonade. Lemonade is always tastier when it’s 10% alcohol.
I poured out three drinks and took appropriate caution to make sure I didn’t get my lemonade mixed up with ‘lula’s. I’m probably not the best big sister ever, but I wasn’t gonna expose my little sister to alcohol until she was well into adulthood.
“Here we are.” Carrying three drinks at once was tricky to pull off, but good wing balance was one of those skills a pegasus has to learn if they want to fly. I kept ‘lula’s drink on my left wing so there’d be no risk of getting it mixed up with mine. Just as I was setting the drinks down, somepony started knocking on my door.
If it was Mom, I was so gonna sic Blossom on her again.
I gave ‘lula her drink and quickly put the other down as another set of knocks came from the door. “I’m coming, I’m coming.” Sheesh, some ponies have no patience.
I opened the top half of my door, and found myself face-to-face with the possessor of the world’s most delicious muffin. “Oh. Hey Derpy.” Was she here to set up a second date? Despite it being a break from my usual policy, I don’t think I’d mind that. Just to be safe, I hit her with a bit of the old Cloud Kicker charm. “What’s a cute mare like you doing in a place like this?”
Derpy looked a little uncomfortable, and shot a nervous look over my shoulder. “Hey, sorry to bother you Cloud Kicker. You too Blossomforth.” I tossed a look over my shoulder, and I was a bit surprised to see Blossom glaring at the grey pegasus. Made me a bit curious about what the hay had happened when the two of them had their talk.
“Anyway,” Derpy continued. “I know it’s kinda last-minute, but I’ve gotta go do a special late-night delivery to Canterlot, so I need somepony to keep an eye on Dinky tonight. I’d ask Sparkler, but she left town earlier today to visit some friends.”
“Well...” I shot a look back into my home and shrugged. I was already keeping an eye on ‘lula, having another foal around wouldn’t be that much more trouble. Besides, it would give ‘lula somepony her own age to play with. “Sure, why not?”
“Great!” Derpy leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll be by to pick her up in the morning. Thanks Cloud Kicker.”
Derpy gave her daughter a quick goodbye nuzzle and flew off. I opened up the door all the way to let Dinky in. The filly regarded me a bit of uncertainly. “Sparkler said you and Mommy are special friends now.”
“Yeah, I guess we are.” I’m still not exactly sure how that happened, but it was looking more and more like the night I’d spent with Derpy might not be such a one-time thing. I’m no romantic, but there was something to be said for having a regular friends-with-benefits arrangement instead of having to go out on the prowl every night I didn’t wanna sleep alone. Especially since it’s pretty rare that I’m in the mood for a lonely night.
Dinky trotted over to ‘lula, and the two of them started chatting about something that happened the other day at school. Before long the topic moved to the boss; ‘lula and Dinky were both part of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club after all. I could probably blame myself for ‘lula being a member; I had told her quite a few tales of the things the boss and I got up to back in Flight Camp.
While I talked with the fillies, I couldn’t help noticing that Blossom wasn’t participating in the conversation. In fact, she looked a little out of sorts and seemed to be in the process of draining her lemonade as fast as possible. Seeing her drinking reminded me that I had a glass waiting for me as well. I took a long sip of my drink and immediately noticed something seemed a bit off about how it tasted.
There was no alcohol.
Before I could start panicking about having corrupted my little sister, Blossom spoke up. “Cloud Kicker, I think I’ve been drinking your lemonade.” I turned to look at her as she very deliberately finished off the glass. Blossom slowly licked her lips and almost hesitantly asked. “Do you have any more?”
Even if she hadn’t commented on it being my lemonade, there’s no way she couldn’t have noticed the alcohol in the drink. Well, I had been trying to get her to loosen up a bit; adding in some social lubricant might be just the thing. On any other night I’d be all for it ... but there were fillies around.
On the other hoof, it’s not like my lemonade had that much alcohol in it. While I don’t mind a bit of social lubrication, I generally don’t like getting out-and-out drunk. It tends to lead to incredibly stupid decisions I end up regretting later. Besides, I’m pretty sure I could trust Blossom to be a responsible adult. Most ponies would say that she’s much better at the whole responsible adult thing than I am, even though she’s younger than me.
I gave my mostly-intact glass of lemonade to Dinky and went into the kitchen to pour some more of the special stuff for me and Blossom.
Then somepony knocked on my door.
Again.
“Oh for the love of Luna!” Why did everypony have to come pounding on my door on what was supposed to be a quiet night for just me and Blossom? I loved having ‘lula around, and it’s not like I minded keeping an eye on Dinky, but why did all of this have to be happening tonight?
I flew over to the door and opened it a bit roughly. “What?”
A rather frazzled-looking Rarity seemed rather taken aback at my brusque tone. “Did I come at a bad time?”
I sighed and forced myself to calm down. There’s no way Rarity could know about everything that had happened to me today, and taking out my frustration on her wasn’t remotely fair. “Sorry, it’s been one of those days.”
“Oh, I understand completely.” Rarity declared sympathetically as she turned about and prepared to walk off. “I’m sorry to have bothered you. I’ll just find somepony else to–”
“No, I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” I apologized “What do you need?”
Rarity turned back around and I noticed the bags under her eyes. Looks like somepony’s been missing out on her sleep, and not in a good way. “Well, I have a rather large order I need to get done by tomorrow and everypony else I’ve asked is terribly busy, so I was wondering if there was any you could possibly–”
“Foalsit Sweetie Belle?” I guessed.
“Well, yes.” Rarity frowned at me. “How did you know?”
I took a half-step back from the door so she could see ‘lula and Dinky. “It’s been that kind of day,” I repeated. For a moment I was tempted to turn her down, but I still felt a little bad about getting snappy with her. Besides, it was only one more filly. With three of them here, they could probably keep themselves busy instead of needing me and Blossom to serve as entertainment.
“Oh thank you ever so much darling,” Rarity gushed. “Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Truly, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me. I promise I’ll do something lovely to make it up to you. Maybe a dress? A spa day for you and Blossomforth? Oh, I’ll figure it out later. Anyway, I’ll go get Sweetie Belle. If she asks, don’t let her cook anything. I’ll also let Applejack know to send the others here. Now, I’d love to stay and chat darling, but I’m already running terribly behind schedule so...”
“Great.” A second later, the other horseshoe dropped “Wait, what others?”
“Oh, her friends. The Cutie Mark Crusaders. I did mention they were planning to have a sleepover, didn’t I?”
No. No she hadn’t. “Wait a minute, I–”
Rarity was already galloping off before I got the first word off. She must’ve heard my voice though, because she called back over her shoulder. “I’ll be back in the morning to pick them up! Thank you once again, Cloud Kicker!”
A few minutes later the trio of rather infamous fillies were at my doorstep, escorted by a somewhat harried-looking Applejack. I spent the intervening time checking my home’s insurance policy. Apparently they hadn’t gotten around to including an ‘agreed to foalsit the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ exception to my coverage. Yet.
I looked down at the terrible trio, who returned my gaze with innocent curiosity. It was enough to make me wonder if maybe all the stories I’ve heard about the chaos these three could cause were exaggerations.
Scootaloo was the first to speak. “Is it true you and Rainbow Dash were fillyhood friends? That must’ve been so awesome!”
I chuckled at the enthusiastic hero-worship in her voice. Trust the president of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club to bring that topic up. As members of the club, Dinky and ‘lula seemed pretty interested too. “Yeah, it was pretty cool. I remember one time we–”
“I’m hungry,” Sweetie interrupted me. “Do you have anything to eat?” A second later her face brightened into a joyful smile. “I know! I’ll cook something for us!”
Oh no, Rarity warned me about her cooking. “I think I’ll just order out for some–”
Then Apple Bloom spoke up. “I heard mah sister an’ Big Mac talkin’ once, an’ she said yer a loose pony. What’s that mean? ‘Cause I don’t see anythin’ on ya that looks loose.”
Nice to know what Applejack had to say about me behind my back. “It means I might kick your sister in the face next time I see her,” I growled.
“No way!” Apple Bloom immediately took offense at the implied slur on her sister’s honor. “If you tried t’fight mah sister, she’d tan yer hide!”
“Would not!” ‘lula immediately spoke up in my defense. “Kicky would kick your sister right over the clouds!”
The argument promptly escalated, and soon I found myself holding the two of them apart to keep them from settling the issue with a fight of their own. “I’m not gonna get into a fight with Applejack, okay?”
“‘Cause you know that if ya did you’d lose!” Apple Bloom crowed.
“Nah, she just doesn’t wanna put your stupid big sister in the hospital!” ‘lula argued right back
Okay. That accomplished less than I’d hoped.
To be honest, the ongoing argument over which big sister was a better fighter had me just a tiny bit curious as to the outcome. A lifetime of farm work probably meant Applejack had the edge over me in terms of muscle power and raw athletic ability. Then again, there’s more to fighting than muscles and back when I’d gotten into that scuffle with Rainbow Dash I’d held my own. Since Rainbow beat Applejack in the Iron Pony competition, it was a pretty safe bet that she was the tougher of the two ponies. Going off of that, if I was an even match for Rainbow Dash then I could take Applejack.
On the other hoof, a fight back when we both hadn’t even been full-grown wasn’t a perfect measuring stick of where things stood now. Applejack and the boss both got a lot more exercise than me on a regular basis. Wait, I remember hearing about some scientific study that said that banging was actually one of the best forms of exercise a pony could get. In that case, wouldn’t it mean that I was in better shape than both of them? Plus, if we really got serious I could always break out my old wing-blades from my fencing days...
Why was I putting so much thought into this again?
While my brain was busy with that random train of thought the two fillies seemed to have caught on to the fact that I wasn’t going to let them beat the tar out of each other. Consequently, they had resorted to fighting with words instead.
“Fruity-tooty!”
“Featherbrain!”
“Sodbuster!”
“Airhead!”
“Dirt pony!”
As inevitably happens when two ponies start volleying insults, Apple Bloom decided it was time to hit below the saddle line. “Well at least ah don’t have a crush on Diamond Tiara!”
‘lula gasped and blushed. “I do not!” she immediately insisted.
“Then why’d ya give her a card for Hearts and Hooves Day?”
“It was a friendship card!” ‘lula argued right back. “You didn’t give Miss Cheerilee a card because you had a crush on her, right?”
“Miss Cheerilee don’t count!”
“Well neither does Diamond Tiara!”
“Alright, settle down!” I should’ve put my hoof down a bit sooner, but finding out my baby sister might have a crush on somepony had gotten me just a little bit curious. It was past time I tossed out a bit of foalsitter authority though. “Apple Bloom, go to that corner. ‘lula, go that one.”
“You’re putting me in time out?” ‘lula looked at me as if this were some sort of terrible betrayal.
“No, just sending you to opposite ends of the house. You two stay away from each other, and as long as you don’t fight anymore you’ll be fine.” Maybe it wasn’t the best way to discipline unruly children, but it was the most I was comfortable doing. Still, I probably needed to put a little bit more authority down. “If either of you puts one more hoof out of line though...”
The girls obediently went to their corners. A quick check of the room confirmed that Blossom seemed to have Sweetie Belle well in hoof. Blossom was tossing together something edible for the fillies (nothing fancy, just sandwiches and hay fries), while Sweetie commented that she was doing it wrong because nothing was on fire.
I’m starting to see why Rarity told me to keep her sister out of the kitchen.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that Dinky and Scootaloo were being reasonably well-behaved despite a lack of immediate supervision. The two of them had pulled out an old Thunderhead set I kept around for when ‘lula visited, and were busy playing the game while swapping stories of the boss’ awesomeness.
I joined the two girls and listened in on their conversation a bit before deciding to bring up the topic I was really interested in. “I’ve been hearing about a filly in your class called Diamond Tiara. What can you two tell me about her?”
For the next couple minutes the fillies talked my ear off about Diamond Tiara. The short version was that Diamond Tiara was a spoiled rich little brat, a bully, and from what they told me she didn’t have a single redeeming feature.
And apparently my little sister had a crush on her. Okay. That was bad. Really bad. How could ‘lula be interested in a filly like that? Well okay, maybe it was one of those cases of her liking the Bad Girl, but...
No. This was unacceptable. I was going to have to do something to fix this. But what? I couldn’t just try to ban her from liking Diamond Tiara. That was the kind of horseapples Mom would try to pull. In fact, come to think of it I bet Mom had a hoof in this. Hooking ‘lula up with Filthy Rich’s daughter had to seem pretty appealing to her.
I had to find a way to solve this without resorting to the sort of dirty underhoofed tricks that Mom would use. So what to do?
Of course! Give ‘lula an alternative to make her forget all about Diamond Tiara! But who? My eyes fell onto one of the fillies sitting in front of me and it all fell into place. Dinky was a good filly, certainly a much better choice than some spoiled rich little brat. Besides, if ‘lula spent more time hanging out with Dinky it would mean I could get quality time with my little sister whenever Derpy and I got together. It was perfect! Well, there was a bit of a weird-factor in hooking my little sister up with Derpy’s daughter, but the pros of the plan definitely outweighed the cons. Especially considering the alternative.
Now I just needed to get Blossom on board with the plan. Two heads were always better than one.
“Food’s ready, everypony.” Looks like Blossom had just finished the snack she’d been tossing together for the small army of fillies I’d somehow wound up being responsible for. Perfect! While the kids were busy gorging themselves, Blossom and I could make with the plotting. She always did have good timing.
As the foals dove into the food with the usual enthusiasm of the young, I pulled Blossom into the bedroom. It was pretty much the only place we could go in my house to get some privacy with all the girls running around. “Hey Blossom, something I wanna talk to you about.”
Much to my surprise, Blossom hit me with the cutest little pout. “You just want to talk? When you dragged me into the bedroom I thought you must have something else in mind...”
“Bwuh?” I can be quite eloquent sometimes.
Blossom wrapped her hooves around my neck and nuzzled my cheek. “You know Cloud Kicker, you’re right. We should’ve mated a long time ago.”
“Huh?”
The amorous pegasus began herding me towards the bed. “We’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for. Let’s get nice and comfortable, and then we’ll bang, OK?”
The tiny part of my brain that wasn’t utterly shellshocked by this turn of events felt just a little offended that she’d gone and turned one of my own lines against me. There has to be some kind of rule against that.
Blossom leaned in – most likely as the first stage in her plan to start a sloppy make-out session –and I got a good whiff of her breath. That explained a few things. “You’re drunk.”
The liquored-up pegasus let out a tipsy giggle, and now that I was paying attention I heard her slurring her words a bit as she declared. “No ’m not. I only had, like, three or four glasses of lemonade. ‘m not drunk. I never get drunk. ’m a very responsible drinker.” Blossom thrust a hoof aggressively into my chest. “But you ... you are a sexy bitch, ‘nd ‘m gonna bang you, ‘nd nothin’s gonna stop me!”
Alrighty then. I think I need to upgrade Blossom from ‘a bit drunk’ to ‘utterly plastered.’ Either she was a lightweight or she wasn’t remembering things right when she claimed she’d only had three glasses of my lemonade, because there’s no way a couple glasses of my lemonade could get her this blitzed.
First things first, I needed to get out of this situation with Blossom’s virginity intact. Blossom was doing her level best to make that difficult; my fully spread wings made it quite clear that certain parts of my body were cognizant of the fact that there was a cute mare throwing herself at me. However – contrary to what a lot of ponies who don’t know me might expect– my brain was still running the show. “Not gonna happen. You’re drunk, Blossom.”
“Hey! I may be horny, but tha’ doesn’t mean ‘m not drunk.” Blossom grimaced and waved a hoof vaguely through the air. “I mean – y’know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I got the gist of it.” It’s too bad there wasn’t a camera around, because getting undeniable evidence of what Blossom was up to would’ve been gold. I don’t think the Equestrian language had enough words to express how embarrassed Blossom was gonna be once she sobered up and remembered what had happened, and having some hard evidence on hoof would’ve made it even better. Oh well; if her current performance was any indication, Blossom was a horny drunk – there would always be future opportunities.
Potential for future blackmail material aside, it was time to put an end to this. While it would be a lie to say there wasn’t a part of me that was a bit tempted, banging Blossom could not possibly end well. Hooking up with your best friend when she’s utterly sloshed is just a recipe for disaster. For starters, banging somepony who’s really drunk is kinda taking advantage of the fact that they aren’t thinking straight. I didn’t want Blossom waking up in the morning with a massive hangover, only to look over to the other side of the bed, see me there, and realize that she had made a colossal mistake.
Besides, banging my best friend would be weird. Sure she’s cute and all, but I really don’t think of her like that. Most of the time.
Blossom tried for a kiss, but between her sloppy drunk reflexes and my sober ones it wasn’t hard to keep it from happening. I eventually settled on a hug that bore a passing resemblance to a grappling hold. It seemed to satisfy her amorous desires for the moment and kept her in a position where she couldn’t do much worse than nuzzle me a bit.
“You shmell nice,” Blossom declared.
Before I could come up with a more permanent solution for the drunken pegasus I had on my hooves (or in them, rather), I heard the door creak open and unceremoniously shoved Blossom off of me. She landed on my bed and rolled over, shooting me a look which I’m pretty sure was supposed to be flirty. She was a bit too hammered to pull it off with the necessary subtlety though, and it wound up looking pretty cheesy. I ignored her and turned to face the intruder, silently praying that I had been fast enough.
“Apple Bloom, what are you doing in my room?” I asked. If anypony was going to start a conversation with an awkward question, it may as well be me.
“Yer sister an’ ah decided to settle things all gentlepony-like,” Apple Bloom said. “She said ya kept some fancy fencin’ swords in here.”
What? I thought I kept those old wing-blades from my fencing days on the top shelf of the closet (fencing might seem like a bit of an odd sport to get into, but mares love a pony who’s willing to get into a duel to defend their honor). How could ‘lula get to them? The things were way too blunt to be dangerous, but they could still cause enough damage just by flailing them around trying to hit each other.
On the bright side, my wing-blades wouldn’t come close to fitting ‘lula and – as the name rather indicates – an earth pony like Apple Bloom wouldn’t be able to use them at all. Odds were it would be harmless enough as long as they wore the masks (wing-blades don’t need to be sharp to put an eye out) and I kept a close eye on them.
“Got ‘em!” ‘lula’s voice echoed from the closet. “I dunno, though, Apple Bloom - this is a weird-looking sword.” My sister stepped back into view, struggling to balance on her hindlegs while holding in en garde position a long black--
Oh Celestia, don’t touch those sis! I know exactly where they’ve been! You know it’s a bad sign when I wished my little sister was playing with old rusty knives instead.
Blossom giggled. “So tha’s where you keep your stash. What elsh ya got in there?”
“Kicky has all kindsa weird stuff in her toy box!” ‘lula declared with innocent enthusiasm.
“Izat so?” Blossom grinned at me. “Lesh go havva look!”
“Hey girls!” I forced as much cheer as I could into my voice. “Those things are no good. If you really want to have a duel, I could let you use my old wing-blades and–”
“Wing-blades are boring.” ‘lula whined. “Mom wanted me to learn them, but it wasn’t any fun at all! Besides, Apple Bloom doesn’t have wings. And I’ve never seen swords like these before,” she continued “I wanna know how to use ‘em.”
Merciful Luna, kill me now. Please. Spare me from hearing another entendre leave my sister’s mouth.
I felt a hoof run across my cutie mark and gave a very uncharacteristic squeak. “Hey Cloud Kicker...” I felt Blossom’s hot breath against my ear as she hauled herself off the bed and draped herself indecently across my back. “Maybe we oughta, y’know, give the girls a little ... demonstrashun on how to use thosh things...” I felt her other forehoof run along the edge of one of my wings, which was much stiffer than it had any business being.
Stupid biological reactions.
Fortunately (if you can really call anything about this mess fortunate), I was far too mortified by the entire situation to be remotely tempted by Blossom’s offer.
With a burst of speed that would’ve impressed the boss, I snatched away the ‘swords’ the two fillies were using, tossed the weapons back into the closet and threw the girls out of the room. I locked the door behind them, and considering stacking up some furniture behind the door as well.
Never foalsitting again. Ever.
“Sho...” Blossom began doing some very improper things to my ear with her mouth in between words. “We’re all alone now...”
I unlocked the door, threw her out, and locked it again.
I had a few brief moments of wonderful peace and quiet, until I heard a slurred announcement on the other side of the door. “Hey! C’mere girls. Gotta tell ya ‘bout some shtuff. Since you’re shtayin’ in Cloud Kicker’s houshe, I gotta be responshible ‘nd tell ya ‘bout bangin’ ‘fore ya fin’ outtabout it on yer own...”
Oh Celestia no! My first instinct was to rush in and stop her by whatever means necessary, but I was pretty sure she’d just take that as an invitation to begin a live demonstration.
Okay. No point in denying it anymore. I was officially in over my head. Scratch that, I was in over my head a while ago. Now I was barreling at full speed towards utter disaster. I needed help. Expert help.
I fled into the night.
After a couple minutes of pounding on her door, a very groggy and justifiably grumpy Cheerilee answered the door. The look on her face told me it would be a good idea to keep my explanation short and to the point. “I got tricked into foalsitting the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”
From the look on Cheerilee’s face no further explanation was needed. With a resigned sigh, she started walking along with me towards my place.
I opened the door, and Cheerilee gazed at the scene in wide-eyed shock. I’ve gotta admit, between Sweetie Belle’s attempt at dessert, the state of the kitchen after said attempt (thank Celestia that Dinky knew how to use a fire extinguisher), the three-way brawl between ‘lula, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo over which of their big sisters/idols would win in a fight, and the utterly hammered pegasus suggesting that we give the girls a ‘practical demonstration’ of the facts of life, things looked pretty bad.
Cheerilee looked at me. Then back at the warzone my home had become. Then back to me. “How did this happen?” A second later she sighed and facehoofed. “Oh right, it’s them. I've got experience dealing with the girls – can you take Blossomforth?"
Blossom immediately let out a loud cry of “YESH CLOUD KICKER, TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOW!”
Note to self: give Blossom’s share of the foalsitting pay to Cheerilee.