When Luna’s eyes closed, they had been drinking in the inside of her little pod. When they opened again, she was back in the formal dining hall she had shared with her sister a few nights before. The opulent décor and seating remained, although the seat Discord had taken was now replaced with a great throne made out of licorice and toffee sweets, topped with a cardboard “Burger Queen Foals™” crown. She sighed and massaged a hoof deep into her temple. “Well, here I am,” she muttered. “But where’s…”
In a second, she was grabbed from behind, powerful legs locking her forehooves to her sides as she was lifted up with ease. Before she could react or move, she was quickly enclosed in a feathery, ivory prison. She smiled to herself. “Hey, Tia.”
“So happy you’re still safe!” Celestia cooed, nuzzling her sister as she enfolded her in her massive ivory wings.
“Tia dearest, I know you’re happy,” Discord’s familiar voice interrupted. “But Alicorns still require air at some point, do they not?”
“Hmm? Oh,” Celestia quickly released her sister and backed off, giving her some space. “Sorry Lulu, it’s easy to forget myself.”
“It’s alright, Tia, it’s alright,” Luna replied, taking her seat at the massive table. Celestia, for her part, practically skipped across the floor before prancing into her seat while Discord wafted into his taffy-covered throne like a leaf on a breeze, arms folded casually behind his head while he landed with a loud fart. “You seem awfully happy tonight,” Luna remarked.
“Well…” the solar princess paused, sharing a quick glance with the god of chaos. “I’m just so happy to see you’re still safe, is all.”
“Mm-hmm, you sure it has nothing to do with the fragment of orange-flavored gummy panties stuck to your hip?”
Flushing red, Celestia quickly turned and craned her neck around to her own flank, spotting the offending piece of sugar just a few inches above her cutie mark. Before she could lift it with her magic, a snake-like tongue lashed out and smacked against her flank, lapping the glob of sugar up with a loud smack that sent Celestia a few feet out of her throne with an adorable squeak. Blushing a deep red all over her body, she turned, following the offending tongue as it rolled back up into Discord’s mouth, carrying the little piece of candy with it.
He stayed there, leaning back in his chair, arms folded behind his head and one eye opened lazily as he chewed with a far-too-satisfied little grunt. “Mmmh - sorry Tia,” he said with a snaggle-toothed grin and a wink. “Thought it’d be best to save a little something for the road.”
Celestia’s entire body flushed bright red as Luna shivered from the base of her spine down to her wingtips. “Ugh, let’s get to it, then,” she sighed, hoisting up one of the wine bottles in her magic and pouring herself a glass. She knew it was impossible to get drunk in here, but damn if Discord’s presence didn’t make her want to try.
“So, dear sister,” Celestia said with a little smile, gratefully accepting the bottle when it was offered. “I trust you’ll be entertaining a changeling queen tonight?”
Luna returned the smile and nodded. “’Twas a simpler task than we thought it would be,” she said with a sip, easily dodging the bundle of snakes hissing at her lips when she lifted the glass up, to Discord’s chagrin. “The queen was only too understanding of our slips of the tongue, and ready to accommodate another evening tryst.”
Celestia blinked at her sister. “Tryst?”
Luna blinked right back. “What?”
After a pause, Celestia shook her head. “Nothing. Just…interesting choice of words, dear sister.”
Luna shrugged, taking another sip from her wine. “It matters not. The point is that we will be meeting yon queen again this evening, and perhaps we can learn a bit more about her plans then.”
“Izzat it?” Discord groaned, leaning back until the cardboard crown on his head warped and twisted. “That’s all you got for us? You’re just gonna walk in there and wing it?”
“Pardoning the pun, yes,” Luna replied with another casual shrug. Her manners lost, she leaned back in her chair, crossing her hind hooves up on the table and her forehooves around herself. “What else can we do? The battle with yon changeling queen and last night’s dinner were the only two times we’ve ever interacted with her, not counting talking with her in her throne room to earn tonight’s meet. How is that enough to predict her actions in the future? Or predict what conversational topics will garner a favorable response?”
“You’d be surprised, dear sister,” Celestia replied, taking a dainty, noticeably snake-free sip of her glass. “I once knew a pony who guessed another pony’s occupation and place of residence based on the pattern of calluses on their hooves and specific regional dialects from a few spoken words.”
Discord snickered. “You can’t know ponies what ain’t real, Tia dearest,” he mused.
“Sherlock Hooves is as real as I want him to be, Dissy dearest,” she hissed in response.
“You are right on one front though,” Discord turned to Luna. “Any detail could tell us everything we need to know to win here, not just from your dreamwalk, which I’m assuming was successful?”
Luna sat up and shivered, nodding. “Quite, although we found little that we think yon queen will wish to discuss, especially in a proper, conversational setting.”
“Then what about your actual interactions with the Queen herself?” Celestia asked, leaning forward in her seat. “Any emotions? Any topics she seemed enthused about?”
“Enthused? No. Resigned to discussing in a desperate attempt to drag a few words from me?” Luna sighed, giving a sheepish grin.
“Ah,” Discord moaned, running a claw along the side of his muzzle. “We have our work cut out for us, I see.”
“Yes,” Luna sighed, taking another, somewhat larger and less regal sip from her glass. “We have no idea why the Queen agreed to a potential repeat of last night. Seems counterintuitive to us.”
“Oh really?” Celestia leaned forward even further in her chair. “Why do you suppose she said yes, then?”
“Who knows?” Luna lamented. “It must be part of some agenda or another, heaven knows the few moments she actually seemed to be enjoying herself last night only came about when she was looking at our dress!”
The royal couple blinked at the smaller alicorn. “Your…dress?” Discord asked cautiously.
“Yes,” Luna sat up. “To be fair, it was quite lovely, even if it had a changeling flair to it. Why do you ask?”
“Luna, what was the exact look Chrysalis had?” Celestia said, now leaning forward so far her hooves were scuffing her dinner plates. “Think carefully now, what was it exactly?”
Luna shrugged, and with a casual wave of her hoof, a patch of air by her head started shimmering and waving, turning opaque as colors and lines not too unlike what danced behind a pony’s closed eyes started forming. “See for yourself,” she shrugged.
Discord and Celestia watched from Luna’s point of view as she rampaged through her dressing room with the chilling efficiency of a master of hoof-to-hoof combat. “Note to self: enroll Mooncheeks in a karate tournament when this is all over, and bet big,” Discord mumbled as the scene slowly shifted to the changeling queen. The moment the door opened, the royal couple watched as a faint green blush covered Chrysalis’s face, the look obvious even in the wavering view of the portal. Her eyes widened, her jaw fell slightly agape, and they could almost see her breath visibly catch in her throat.
“It…couldn’t be…” Discord mused.
“Could it?” Celestia whispered.
The vision dissipated as Luna sat up. “What? What is it you saw?”
Celestia now leaned over the table, her flank rising completely from her seat. “What happened after this, Luna!? What happened after!?”
“Ah,” Luna’s cheeks flushed red and she averted her gaze. “Well, we kind of hurt ourselves during our thrashing about, and she…healed us.”
“Healed you!?” Discord gasped.
“Yes,” Luna huffed, her wings ruffling out. “Took her sweet time about it too, yon changeling was distracted by something when she looked us in the eye, nearly forgot to cast the spell!”
“It could,” Discord shook his head. “It’s insane, it shouldn’t be possible--.”
“But it is!” Celestia squealed, beaming widely as a little giggle entered her voice. “It is! It’s right there! Oh, Lulu!”
“What!?” Luna said, her resignation giving way to confusion. “What are you both on about?”
“I always knew it would happen,” Celestia continued. “I mean, you’re such a beautiful pony, I was surprised it didn’t happen sooner! But it couldn’t have finally happened at a more opportune time!”
“What are these riddles you are speaking in!?” Luna huffed, nostrils flaring with impatience. “Tell me!”
“It was probably more fear than anything,” Discord snorted. “Takes a while to go from monster of everypony’s nightmares to subject of their wet dreams, y’know?”
“We know not of dreams about pools and beaches, what have they to do with the subject at hoof!?” Luna growled.
“It must have been the dress,” Celestia gasped. “Of course, your outfits must be positively ancient by now! When we get Rarity back, I must enlist her to sew up a whole new wardrobe—“
Her chest puffing out, Luna stood up in her seat and bellowed in her best Royal Canterlot Tone: “What in blue blazes are you two on about!?”
Discord and Celestia blinked back at her, stunned, then Celestia recovered and gave a quick giggle into her hoof. “Sorry Lulu, this is just…so rare! Our subjects are usually so intimidated by the crown, it makes any thoughts of romance impossible!”
Luna tilted her head in confusion. “Romance?”
“Ugh, how can somepony a thousand years old be this thick?” Discord said, turning on Luna. “The bug bitch is in love with ya, you oblivious moon horse!”
Luna stopped. She froze in place. Her eyes widened. Her mouth fell open. She remained rooted to her seat as if she were tied to it. Her lips sucked themselves back into her mouth.
“Um, Lulu?” Discord rapped on her head with a fist. “Aww shoot…anyone know if there’s an analog for Ctrl+Alt+Del on this thing?”
Again filling her lungs, Luna leaned back and let out a positively cataclysmic: “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttttttttt!?” Her voice boomed throughout the room, blowing the table over and knocking her fellow diners away. It echoed throughout the dream plane, so loud that it startled half the population of Equus from their sleep, all of whom looked around in sudden confusion, coughed a bit, scratched themselves, and rolled over to try and go back to sleep. At least a dozen ponies and a handful of changelings were temporarily deafened by the sheer intensity of the shout. As it echoed out into the dream world, it left behind a trail of shattered glass, disturbed beasts, and parrots permanently ingrained with the word “what” in their vocabularies.
When the sonic blast of the exclamation had petered off and the final echoes were starting to fade away into the distance, Celestia and Discord cautiously pulled themselves up, carefully approaching the lunar princess as she sat there with her hooves clenching her armrests and her shoulders heaving. Finally, Discord managed to lay a claw on her wing, immediately darting back as if expecting it to be burnt off.
“Well Lulu, it was bound to happen eventually,” Celestia finally managed. “You are an attractive pony, after all.”
“Art thou insane, sister!?” Luna shrieked. “We might well beest did desire by an foe of the state, a psychotic wench who is't's plans f'r domination knoweth nay bounds, and thou art acting like this beest a grade-school crush!”
Once her internal “Shakespeare to plain Equish” translator caught up, Celestia sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose with the tip of a gold-shod hoof. “Look at it this way, sister: this could well be our best shot into the inner-workings of the Queen.”
Luna gave Celestia a look as if the day-princess had just opened her mouth and revealed that her uvula was a smaller, less-perfect version of herself, capable of carrying on conversations, but only in Prench.
“Well c’mon, li’l Lulu, can’t be that hard,” Discord said with an exaggerated roll of his eyes and a toss of his arms. “Just keep shakin’ your flank until she starts spillin’ state secrets. Works for your sister.”
“Please,” Luna raised a hoof in his face. “Please don’t turn this into another thinly-veiled attempt into mine sister’s panties, aimed at starting another make-out session as soon as this dream ends.”
“Party-pooper.”
“What Discord is trying to say,” Celestia interjected, standing between the pair, “is that this might be the opportunity we’ve been looking for. Playing to the Queen’s desires might get her to open up to you, and while I doubt she’d be foolish enough to divulge all her plans, it might well give us an in. At the very least, you could learn more about changeling customs that would help us understand how their whole culture functions, and from there, infer some of the queen’s plans.”
Luna hummed as she placed a hoof against her chin. “Only one thing to really ponder: why us?” She sighed.
“Well, like my dearest love said,” Discord shrugged. “You are an attractive pony, even I can see that.”
“And you’ve always had a fire within you, that old battle-flame from an earlier time,” Celestia added. “It makes sense that one such as the Queen, who’s had to test herself in battle time and again, might actually find that attractive.”
“So definitely play that up,” Discord advised. “Also, don’t be afraid to shake dat flank.”
“Shake...my flank?”
Celestia promptly trotted in front of her and stretched out much like a cat, her flank raised in the air. Giving it the slightest little wiggle to set her lower cheeks jiggling, she straightened up, looking over her shoulder with a sultry, half-lidded look. She winked, and Luna turned in time to see Discord’s entire upper body turn bright red, his claws clenching and unclenching, a crooked fang digging into his lower lip.
“Shake dat flank,” Celestia cooed.
“Okay, well, this has been very productive,” Luna huffed, pulling herself out of her chair. “But we think it’d be best for it to end now, before things get a little too provocative.”
“Y’sure, Lulu?” Discord chortled. “Tia and I have been looking for a way to spice up the bedroom, and if bondage is losing its flair, then—“
He might have had more to say, but it was lost in the supersonic boom caused by two sets of Alicorn hooves slamming into his crotch at Mach Three, catapulting him through one of the walls of the dreamscape. Snorting up at the Discord-shaped hole punched in the roof, Luna lowered her gaze to her sister, smoke still rising from her hind hooves.
“He never knows when to stop,” Luna grumbled.
“That’s part of his appeal,” Celestia chuckled, shaking her head.
Rolling her eyes, Luna trotted towards the door, ready to climb back up to the waking world. “I really do wish I could understand you two,” she sighed.
“You don’t ‘understand’ Discord,” Celestia said, her eyes sparkling with that loving joy they always seemed to carry when discussing Discord. “You only learn to love and tolerate.”
“That’s the part I don’t understand,” Luna grumbled.
That sparkling joy faded just slightly, masked by concern for her sister. “You will someday, dear sister.”
Just wanting the conversation to be over, Luna pasted on a wide smile. “Okay, sis, whatever you say. I’d really like to get back to the waking world and prepare myself for tonight, so if it pleases you…”
Nodding her understanding, Celestia waved the smaller Alicorn forward, only letting her smile fade when she was certain she was alone and the light provided by Luna’s power totally faded. “You will…someday…” she sighed before she too faded out of the dream plane.