I was very familiar with the concept of panic attacks. To me, they were an old friend. The kind of old friend that makes you want new friends, to help you forget about them faster. It’s never worked for me.
It’s very unfortunate, I know. Also incredibly common. During my childhood, when I had panic attacks, my mom told me to stop being dramatic. Dad would yell at me to stay quiet. Again and again. Each time, the same responses. So I learned to make them quiet. To stop bothering the world with my feelings- they were dramatic, and wrong, and bothersome.
Which brings me to right now. On my couch at the Spencer home. My phone clenched tight in my hands. Hands that were shaking from the pressure. I stared at the phone but I wasn’t looking at the phone. Instead I saw Chamberlin and my friends. Together. Him finishing the job like he promised.
But I must be overreacting again.
Being dramatic.
A normal person, according to Sarah Spencer, stays calm and quiet even when freaking out. They hide their true feelings behind a marble expression. A perfectly crafted mask. They do not scream and cry, they maintain their emotions. A normal person should never think of such awful things happening to their friends.
More than that, a normal person never gets into these situations at all.
But I’ve studied people. I’ve studied who they are, how they think, how they behave.
Normal people can scream and rant and cry, about anything and everything. They show their feelings. They express and emote. They let themselves feel, and they show it.
Yet Mrs Spencer disagreed.
So. Who is right, who is wrong?
If I am right, and she is wrong, then I can scream. I can let all my feelings out. They want to be let out, to be felt, at least to be acknowledged.
If I am wrong, and she is right...but the results of my research would still be correct. Maybe then everyone else can, and I’m just the exception. It’s fine for everyone except me.
Given my past, Mom is probably right.
I took a deep breath. I exhaled, slowly, wanting to roar.
I dialed Anna Bellingham. She would answer.
As predicated, Anna picked up before it even started to ring. I cleared my throat.
“Morgan?!” Anna gasped.
“Anna. I need help.” I let out a breath, wiping tears off my cheeks. “Can you come by my house? I need to find the girls.”
“What- of course! Yeah, yeah, I can come get you.” Anna replied. “Are you okay? Where have you been? We were looking for you.”
I didn’t relax. “I’m great, thank you. And I’ll tell you later. Where are the girls?”
“With me.”
“With you?” I asked, voice pitching. I cleared my throat. “With you? Like at school?”
“Where else would we take them?”
My hand clenched on my phone. “It’s fine. It’s fine. Just come and get me. I’ve got a plan to get them home. But it’s gotta happen soon. Can you come?”
“Of course! Oh, hey Caroli-”
“MORGAN’S ALIVE!”
I hung up, lowering my phone to the coffee table. Then I grabbed a couch cushion. Pressing it to my face, I screamed as loud as I wanted.
==DMLE==
Anna came around not long after. To my eternal relief and stress, the six girls and one boy were packed in the car. I let out a relieved breath. They were here. They were okay.
I’m not stressed about them driving here. Chances are, Dominic already knew where I lived. My only stress was Anna being exposed in all of this.
I walked over to the car. The door opened before I could reach. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran out. Pinkie reached first, leaping in the air to land on me for a hug.
“MORGAN!” Pinkie screamed.
I choked. “Pinkie-”
“I WAS SO WORRIED!” Pinkie started sobbing. The big, bold kind of cartoon sobbing that required an umbrella. “YOU WERE GONE AND I THOUGHT YOU LEFT FOREVER AND EVER WITHOUT EVEN SAYING-”
“Can’t- breathe!”
“-NO IT’S GOODBYE! YOU SAY GOODBYE TO PONIES!”
“Pinkie- can’t- breathe!” I tried again.
Fluttershy touched Pinkie’s shoulder. The party pony continued to cry. “Um, Pinkie? I think you’re squeezing too tight.”
“Huh?” Pinkie pulled back. As she saw my face, she squeaked. She let go of me. I dropped onto the grass, gasping. “Sorry!”
“Fine.” I coughed. “You’re good.”
Fluttershy gasped.
“I said I’m fine-”
“What happened to you?!” Fluttershy knelt by my side.
By now, the rest of them climbed out of the car. They grouped around Pinkie and Fluttershy, looking down at me. As a group they gasped and recoiled in horror.
I know my bandage work is bad
But not that bad.
“Morgan, what happened?” Twilight asked, sounding horrified.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” I pushed myself back to my feet. Shrugging, I shook the grass off me. “See? All bandaged up. Let’s get you home.”
They all gawked.
“Where did you go where this happened to ya?” Applejack asked.
“Nowhere. Come on.” I held out my hands. “Let’s get you home. Right now.”
“No!” Twilight held my hands. She started dragging me back towards the house. “No, you need to rest-”
“Don’t touch me!” I hissed. I yanked myself out of his grip. Twilight reeled back, lifting up her hands. “You need to go home! I promised to get you home! So let me get you home!”
My phone buzzed. I grunted, annoyed.
“We’re not going to make you do that if you’re hurt!” Twilight argued. “Morgan, are you okay?”
“Yes! I am fine! Can’t you tell? I’m fine! I’m only trying to get you all home like you wanted!” Then I reached for my phone, pulling it out. Without even looking I answered it. “I am BUSY! Call BACK!”
“Mommy?”
Pause.
Pull back the phone, check the ID. Not Caroline.
It’s an unknown number.
Ah. Okay. Yes. That’s- This is happening. Wow, okay...yeah this is happening to me.
Don’t freak out
Don’t freak out
You need to stay calm
She needs you to stay calm
I put it back on my ear.
“Mommy, are you there?”
“Morgan?” Twilight tried again.
I held up a finger. For a moment, I let myself be angry. Looking up at Twilight, I gave her a glare so fierce it could set her on fire.
“Yeah, princess, it’s me.” It took every part of my spirit to keep calm.
Twilight’s eyes widened.
“I’m just surprised. It’s just- you’re supposed to be at home. Where are you?” I asked.
“I- I-” She sniffled. It started turning to full on sobbing. I could see it. Her bottom lip would be out, nearly poked by her fangs. Her big blue eyes would be full of tears. She’d be crying buckets any second now. “I don’t know. I’m scared.”
My hand clenched.
“Morgan?” Twilight tried again.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“How did your face get like that?”
“Did something happen?”
I covered my phone with my hand. “SHUT UP!” They all flinched back. The phone went back to my ear. “It’s gonna be okay, princess, okay? I’m gonna be there soon. Where are you- what can you see?”
“Mom- Mommy I wanna go home-”
“I think that’s enough.” Chamberlin’s voice barely covered the panicked crying of my daughter.
I tried, very hard, to stay calm. Instead, my jaw clenched and my teeth grit together. “Give her back.”
“We have a lot to discuss.”
“Fuck your discussion. Give her back.” I ordered.
A lot of people gasped. I cannot give less of a fuck who. They were distracting me from the most important call of my life.
Chamberlin chuckled. Fucking chuckled like a fucking bitch.
“This isn’t a game. You give her back. Now.”
“You talk to my child, I talk to your’s. That’s an even trade, wouldn’t you say?” Chamberlin asked. “We never finished our conversation. I want to finish it.”
I pulled the phone away for a moment. Then I glared at a worried, terrified Twilight. “If you touch her-”
“If you come to finish our conversation, I will let her go. Without a single scratch. I’m not a complete monster, Morgan.”
“I take that back. You’ve already touched her. You’re the dumbest person I have ever met- I killed the last person as stupid as you. I will tear you apart. I will make you regret ever learning my name. No- I will make you regret even being born.” I promised him. “You’ll feel every bit of fear that she does right now.”
“I’ll finish what I started.” Chamberlin replied. “Gather up those colored freaks, and bring them to that charming place you call a school in twenty minutes. Little Lilac and I will be waiting.”
“Get fucked.” I said just as Chamberlin ended the call.
If I wasn’t so pissed, I would throw this phone on the ground.
“Morgan!” Somebody gasped. I looked up, seeing Anna.
Ah.
Right.
Audience.
Heart racing, head pounding, I looked up at my audience. Six horrified ponies, a cowering dragon, and an equally confused and cowering human.
“...see? Fine!”
“You’re clearly not fine!” Anna argued. “What just happened?! Who were you talking to?”
“Nobody important. Hey, can I borrow your car keys?”
“I’ve never seen you like this!” Anna gestured to all of me. “What- what is this?”
Perfect. Awesome. Caroline saw the realness, and now Anna would see it. Best to get rid of all the attachments before going on with this. “That’s fine. That’s fine- could you drive me to school? I left my bike there and- actually that’s a way better place to do this. Let’s go to school. We can finish this at school. Anna, thanks for the help-”
“Morgan!” Anna snapped. “Stop it right now!”
My mouth shut tight on reflex. Anna’s words reminded me of Mom’s words before.
Stop being dramatic
Don’t react to things that bother you
Everyone else can, you can’t
Everyone else can be normal, you have to pretend.
Be a good pretender
Remember- criers kept slapped.
“Sorry.” My daughter is gone. Gone with the same man that interrogated me, and strapped a bomb to me with intent of use. I should be allowed to freak out. “I shouldn’t have lost my cool.” I want to hurt something. Badly. Want to feel someone’s face under my fist. Hear their cries in my ears. “That was a disturbing phone call. My-”
No.
No, do not tell them.
They will not know- I’ll never tell them.
Nobody on Earth can know.
“My friend is in trouble. I have to go help them. But these girls-” I fought back a grimace. “-need help first.”
They don’t deserve my help
I would abandon them here if I could
But there’s no time.
My child needs me now
“Morgan.” Twilight stepped closer to me. “You only sound that happy when...when you talk to-”
“Keep her name out of your mouth.” I warned in a low voice, my smile wide and sharp.
Twilight squeaked.
“Is it her?” Applejack asked. “Lilac?”
I lashed out. Fast as lightning, Rainbow Dash grabbed me to hold me back.
“Hey! Quit it!” Dash snapped. I stared at her, eyes wide. “You don’t get to be mad at us! Not after you left us behind all day!”
“We went lookin’ for you!” Applejack shouted too. “All over that place! We looked ‘til Caroline called yer parents, and they just said you were restin’ at home! Not a word about going out with us!”
“Yes. Caroline and Anna drove us all over town.” Rarity stepped in. “We searched for you in so many places, but couldn’t find you. We finally decided to check the school only for you to call Anna.”
“A-And Caroline.” Fluttershy reminded her.
“And Caroline!” Pinkie perked up. “She said you were at your house but we checked your house and we couldn’t find you. But if you said you were there then you were probably there! And here you are!”
“Because we were worried.” Anna emphasized that last word. Worried. As if to explain to me that people cared about me. Really, truly cared about me.
I’m aware of people caring about me.
My problem with it is how that care is shown. My parents always showed love by control. By deciding so much about my life, every part that they could reach. If I behaved and did as I was told, they rewarded me with love and attention. If I ignored them, they ignored me.
These ponies and girls didn’t care about me. If they truly, truly cared, they would help me get my daughter back.
It’s probably their fault Chamberlin found her in the first place.
No. No, it’s on me. I left a child home alone. A seven-year-old, home all by herself. Of course someone would take her away. If I were a better mother, Lilac would be safe.
If I weren’t her mother at all, meaning.
“Right, sorry.” I looked at Rainbow Dash. The blue pegasus hadn’t let me go. “Can you let me go now?”
“Not until I know you won’t turn on us.”
A likely possibility. Dash is smarter than people expect. It wouldn’t even be that hard. I nodded in agreement.
But my daughter could be dead in less than an hour.
“Is Li-” I glared at Twilight again. Dash grunted, trying to keep me contained. “Is she in trouble?”
I took in a deep breath, then I slowly let it out.
“Just- please. Tell us.” Twilight asked.
I seethed.
She sounded so scared
She said she wanted to go home
I want her back
“Wha-” Twilight braced herself, squaring back her shoulders. “What happened? What really happened to you today?”
I took in another breath. When I let it out, it was a growl.
“Morgan.” I looked up at her. Twilight stared at me in a way I was not used to. An open, empathic look. Twilight’s friends were used to seeing it. Her family was used to seeing it, and her princesses. Me? I’d rarely been on this side of it. It made the rage in me quiet every time. “Please? Tell us?”
I can’t
My lips started to move
If I tell you, I break down
I can’t afford to break down
Lilac needs me
My lips did not move to speak. No, they trembled and shook. Words couldn’t leave between them.
Cold wind blew by. It was the only sound on my front lawn.
“Please. I need- school.” I swallowed. Razor blades would’ve been softer on my throat.
“How did Lilac even get here?” Pinkie asked. “She was in Ponyville. Right?”
“She was.”
It’s where I left her. Unprotected. Easy pickings for Chamberlin to take her.
“Now he has her.” I shivered. My body recoiled against the very idea. Images came to my mind. Years of procedural crime shows gave me an abundance of dead kids to compare to my little girl.
I’d never even seen her human form before.
Chamberlin did before me.
“He?”
“Dominic Chamberlin.” His name tasted like vomit. “And he’ll kill her if I’m not at school in an hour. So can you let me go, please, I need to save her. I can’t- I can’t let him kill her. Please. I’m sorry for all that I did today, and for years. Just please don’t make Lilac pay for my mistakes.”
Though Rainbow Dash kept holding my arms, my legs were free. They crumbled under me. Dash wasn’t prepared for the change. I fell to my knees, embarrassing myself. To make it less terrible, I made myself sob quietly. Bad enough they were all watching me break down. No decent person would make others listen to them cry.
Fifty minutes until she’s gone...until I lose her...and I’m wasting time crying.
Mom would be disappointed in me.