//------------------------------// // The Definition of Insanity // Story: Nothing Without Me // by chillbook1 //------------------------------// Raven had seen a lot of things in her twenty-plus years working as the Royal Advisor. She had been through the return of a princess, the sudden appearance of another, the ascension of a third, and the disappearance and rescue efforts of the first two. She had overseen and organized two different shifts of power in the royal hierarchy of Equestria and the lands beyond. Raven Inkwell was an experienced, prepared mare, who was ready for just about anything Equestria could throw at her. But nothing could have prepared her for Pinkie Pie. “So… Princess Celestia wanted to see me?” asked Pinkie Pie. “Erm… Well… She, um…” Raven struggled to put words together as she watched the bubbly pink mare before her. She sat upside down in her seat at the meeting table, with some sort of lizard or reptile dangling from her tail, apparently confusing it for cotton candy based on how tightly its jaws were clamped on. “Hm? You okay, Ms. Raven?” asked Pinkie, oblivious to the strangeness of it all. “Cat got your tongue? You know, I never got why ponies think cats steal tongues! That’s just silly, cats wouldn’t steal tongues. They’re super-duper nice! Well, except for maybe Opalescence, that’s my friend Rarity’s cat, she’s a bit of a meanie sometimes. Opal, I mean, not Rarity, Rarity’s just the sweetest, nicest mare ever! She’s always putting other ponies ahead of herself, like, this one time, I needed a dress for a party ‘cause all of my dresses were covered in fudge, long story there, and I didn’t have any money ‘cause I spent it all on fudge, and she made me a whole wardrobe and all she asked for in return was a batch of cookies! I mean, I would’ve baked Rarity a batch of cookies anyway if she asked, especially since it was National Cookie Week, so I made her two batches of cookies, but she said she couldn’t possibly eat all of those cookies alone, so we had a big ol’ cookie party with all of our friends!” Pinkie clapped her hooves giddily at the memory, then tilted her head in confusion. “What were we talking about again?” Raven had to take a moment to let her brain reboot after that non-stop stream of pointless, irrelevant information. “Right… The princess wanted to meet with you, but a pressing matter has arisen, which required the princess’ immediate attention,” said Raven. “So, you’ll just have to make do with me.” “That’s okay. More than okay, really, it’s perfect! I already know Princess Celestia, we’re basically BFFs, but I’ve never met you before!” said Pinkie. “This is the perfect chance for us to become besties, too!” It’ll be a cold day in hell… Raven shook the thought out of her head for the time being. This wasn’t the time for rude remarks. This was the time for business. Raven took in a deep breath and put on a phony, friendly smile. “That sounds wonderful, Ms. Pie, but I’d like to get business out of the way first, if you don’t mind terribly,” said Raven, in her best, fakest, most professional voice. “The princess is holding a fundraiser at the end of next month, and she needs catering. Naturally, you were her first choice.” “Really? Princess Celestia thought of me first?” said Pinkie, blushing faintly. “I’m honored. I mean, I know my way around a kitchen, but I’m no big-wig, super-famous celebrity baker. Are you sure she meant me?” “Don’t be so modest, Ms. Pie. She asked for you by name and, if you’re good enough for the princess, you’ll be more than sufficient for this fundraiser,” said Raven. “However… This brings me to some of my concerns regarding hiring you. Now, I understand that you are a baker for Sugarcube Corner, though you do have experience with catering events of this magnitude.” “Mh-hm. I catered for Princess Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding,” said Pinkie. “Wow, that was so long ago! I remember it like it was yesterday, or at least like I saw a rerun of it yesterday. The details are kinda fuzzy to be honest, everyone was so stressed out, especially Princess Cadance, ‘cause she was kinda kidnapped by an evil bug monster. The struggles of a bride, right?” “Wait, you catered for Princess Cadenza’s wedding?” asked Raven. “Yuperooni!” Bullshit. “Hm… If that’s the case, my concerns may be unfounded,” said Raven, though mostly just to play nice. She didn’t believe Pinkie for a single moment, but humoring her would be for the best. “It’s just… I saw your bakery, and it has more of a Mom-and-Pop Shop, common-man vibe. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for this particular demographic. These are Canterlot’s elite you’ll be cooking for. They don’t want cookies and brownies. They want something a bit higher-class.” “Oh, don’t worry about that. If it’s dessert you’re worried about, I’m your mare!” said Pinkie. She turned rightside up, flinging her strange lizard friend to the side. “Hope you have tastebud insurance, ‘cause I’m about to make them explode!” Pinkie Pie reached into her mane, losing her entire leg in the massive pink poof. Raven could do little more than stare in absolute amazement as Pinkie Pie pulled covered dish after covered dish, laying out about a dozen of them onto the table. “I’ve got soufflé, pralines, profiterole, tiramisu, gelato, genoise, granita,” listed Pinkie, pointing to each dish as she removed the cover. “Crème brûlée, Crêpe Suzette, tarte Tatin, bruttiboni, and, my personal favorite, croquembouche, dipped in caramel, drizzled with dark chocolate, and filled with raspberry mousse.” She removed the lid from one last dish, revealing a certifiable tower of delicious-looking pastry balls. Unable to help herself, Pinkie grabbed one from the top and popped it into her mouth. “Mmmm! You should try one, Ms. Raven!” Raven was at a loss for words for several moments while she tried to process what the actual hell she just witnessed. “Looks good, huh?” Pinkie grabbed another piece of the croquembouche and fed it to her lizard thing. “You really should try some of this, before me and Gummy here eat it all!” “I… But… I have several questions,” said Raven. “I didn’t tell you why you were coming. How did you know to bake all of this stuff?” “Hm? I bake like this every Tuesday,” said Pinkie, as if Raven was the strange one for asking. “It’s Monday.” “Really? Huh. I dunno, then, ‘cause I only bake this stuff on Tuesdays… That’s weird. Anyway, what else?” “Uh… One moment.” Raven really needed a moment to gather her thoughts after this sheer insanity. “So… What’s the deal with the lizard?” “Hm? You mean Gummy? He’s my pet alligator,” said Pinkie. She picked Gummy up and sat him atop her own head. “Say hi to Ms. Raven, Gummy-bear!” Gummy stared blankly ahead, blinking his left eye, then his right, before leaping onto the pile of pastries. “So… What do you charge?” asked Raven, still completely confused by what she was witnessing. “Oh, don’t worry about that, me and the princess have an arrangement,” said Pinkie. “I supply her with sweets, and she gives me something in exchange for my discretion.” Raven raised an eyebrow, not liking the sound of that. Pinkie Pie didn’t strike her as the type to take advantage of Princess Celestia, but she was clearly a strange mare. Who knew what she was capable of? For all Raven knew, she was a master manipulator. “Wait… Are you trying to say you’re blackmailing the princess?” “Huh?” Pinkie tilted her head in confusion. “No way, black envelopes don’t make for very good mail, you can barely see whatever you write on it. And besides, my friend Twilight bought me a bunch of stationery for my birthday so I could write letters to all my penpals, so my mail is a pretty pink instead of a sad, dreary, super-angsty black.” Is she screwing with me? She’s gotta be screwing with me. “Sorry, could you clear something up? What do you mean by the princess pays you for your discretion?” asked Raven, eyeing Pinkie with extreme suspicion. What exactly was this mare playing at? “Hm… Well, it’s supposed to be a secret, but… You look like I can trust you,” said Pinkie. “C’mere, Raven.” Raven inched a bit closer. “Closer!” Raven moved forward some more, feeling herself grow more and more uncomfortable the closer she got. “Closer!” Raven didn’t like the idea of getting any closer to Pinkie, but she just had to know what Pinkie had over the princess. She shimmied even closer until she was nearly touching noses with Pinkie. “Ms. Pie, I literally cannot get any closer without sitting in your lap,” said Raven. “And I can’t help but think that’s a bit unprofessional.” “That’s okay,” whispered Pinkie. “This is fine. Princess Celestia doesn’t want me telling you this, but…” Pinkie Pie whispered the secret into Raven’s ear, the secret that she had apparently been exploiting for favors from the most powerful mare in the world. Simply put, Raven could not believe what she heard. “I'm unsure as to whether she's stupid, mentally ill, or a bona-fide genius playing the most convincing prank in history,” groaned Raven. She downed her whiskey, the raw stupidity of the day calling for something a touch stronger than her usual beer. Garrus laughed, stretching out his wings and taking down a shot of some Griffonstone gin. Another stressful day in the castle meant another night of drinks at Ne’er-Do-Wells. “She's willing to cater entire fundraiser,” chuckled Garrus. “For mints.” “Yup. Apparently, she's obsessed with replicating the recipe of the dinner mints we serve at feasts and whatnot,” said Raven. “So, for the past year or so, she's been basically trading her services for more of those mints to study and reverse-engineer.” “And her secret about the princess?” “Celestia doesn't want everypony knowing what a pig she is on account of how often this Pinkie Pie girl brings her snacks.” “Why do you keep talking about Pinkie like you don't know who she is?” asked Garrus. “I have never heard of this mare in my entire life, and, if I never hear of her again, it’ll be too damn soon.” “Seriously? You’ve never heard of Pinkie Pie?” Raven just shook her head, which completely baffled Garrus. “Dude, I’m not even from this country and I know who Pinkie Pie is. She’s one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony? You know, one of the six mares who saved the world over and over again? Best friends with one of the most important mares in Equestria?” “Hm… Now that you mention it, she did mention something about being friends with Twilight Sparkle,” said Raven after a moment of thought. “But I thought she was full of shit. You weren’t around when Twilight first got coronated. We kept getting ponies trying to get jobs and favors done by pretending that they were best friends with the new princess.” “Be that as it may, you don’t remember Pinkie at all?” “I’m bad with names, okay? It took me ages to remember something as simple as ‘Garrus’, and I actually have the misfortune of talking to you every day,” said Raven with a smirk. “What chance did somepony with a stupid name like Pinkie Pie have?” The barmaid approached their table, swapping out their empty glasses for fresh drinks. Before she could wander off to the rest of the bar, Garrus stopped her with a wave and a clawful of bits. “Hey, do me a favor?” he said. “There’s a mare at the bar. Purple mane, constellation Cutie Mark. Her name’s Moon Shine. Get her next round, tell her it’s from me.” “Sure thing, hon,” said the barmaid with a shake of the head. She took Garrus’ money and returned to her post. “What is your obsession with this chick?” asked Raven. “I dunno if I’d call it an obsession. I see her as a challenge. If I can just get her to give me a chance… Well, who knows,” said Garrus with a shrug. “I might get lucky.” “Hmph. Men. Only ever thinking about one thing.” “Is that a fact? What thing might that be?” “Getting your ‘beak’ wet.” “And, somehow, I’m the gross one for bringing up the pellet thing.” Garrus shook his head, downing his drink. “Trust me, I’m not that shallow. She might be the one.” “You’ve shared maybe two sentences with her,” said Raven. She turned in her seat to watch how Moon Shine would react. “What makes you think she might be ‘the one’?” “I’ll never know if I don’t try.” Moon Shine stared at the barmaid, clearly confused at the new drink that she hadn’t paid for. The barmaid pointed and said something Raven couldn’t catch, which immediately caused Moon Shine to frown. She grabbed the drink with her magic, and, maintaining eye contact with Garrus, proceeded to bring it over to a trash can and dump it. She tossed the glass and a hooful of bits onto the counter before stomping out of the bar. “Damn. Swing and a miss,” mumbled Garrus. “It didn’t work last time,” scoffed Raven. “Why would it work this time?” “Just because something fails doesn’t mean you stop trying it.” “Some ponies define insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.” Raven just couldn’t understand Garrus. Moon Shine clearly wasn’t interested, so why even bother? All he was doing was wasting his time and making things harder for himself. As far as she was concerned, that was pure madness. “Love and sanity are mutually exclusive,” said Garrus. “Finding the right person for you is all about trial and error. Nopony gets it on their first go. So, if swinging at every ball that comes my way makes me crazy, I guess you better find a straightjacket in my size.” Raven wanted to argue, but decided against it. Garrus had a fair point, after all, and, if he wanted to keep on breaking his own heart chasing after this Moon Shine character, that was his business. So, instead of voicing her opinion, she decided to let Garrus have this one. “Well, we’re all crazy in one way or another,” said Raven. “So, if you’re serious about bagging this mare, you’re going to need a plan of attack. Obviously, winging it isn’t working.” “Winging it? Is that a griffon thing?” asked Garrus, wiggling his left wing. “Just shut up and tell me if you have a plan.” “Well, I do.” Garrus grinned sheepishly. “But… I need a favor from you.” Immediately, a warning signal went off in Raven’s head. As somepony with a line directly to the princess of Equestria, she was asked for favors all the time, and the only time people were that coy and remorseful was when they knew that Raven would be unpleased with the request. “Alright, Gary,” sighed Raven. “But you’re definitely getting drinks tonight.”