A week had passed since they’d made plans for lunch with their friends. Life kept getting in the way and pushing things back. Three friendship problems and a monster attack in one week, it was so normal for Ponyville at this point that it was a wonder how nothing had happened sooner.
Starlight sat out on her veranda, taking in the sights of Ponyville once more. She saw ponies going about their daily lives: Ms. Cake was milling about buying ingredients, Berry Punch was already drunk and stumbling along the avenue Twilight had left earlier to gather their friends in the castle. As she looked out at the calm scenery of ponies having picnics, wind blowing gently through the trees, still she felt conflicted. Ugh, I just don’t know how to feel about all this. What’ll happen when they know? I know I haven’t known Twilight’s friends long, but what happens when they find out about Twilight and I? Will they treat me differently? Should I act differently towards them? How does this all even work? It’s so frustrating not knowing what to expect. Back in that village everything was so much… easier.
Aww, who am I kidding? Of course it was easier. What we had wasn’t even friendship, not real friendship anyways. I didn’t have a meaningful relationship with any of them, I was too busy with my plan to “save ponies” from their cutie marks. Even if I hadn’t been so obsessed with that ideal, I suppressed so much of their personalities that they were just shadows of their former selves. She gave a heavy sigh. How am I supposed to learn about friendship and love when I’m so far behind?
She trotted over to the mirror and stared at herself for a few moments. And how do they see me? Just some broken pony who doesn’t get it? Do they feel sorry for me? Is that it? Starlight chuckled wearily, as though at some bad joke. Not bad in the sense that it falls flat, but rather because it hit too close to home, like how somepony who actively struggled with an illness might laugh at their own self-deprecating joke. Uncomfortable, but not wanting to draw attention to it.
So what if they do? It’s all true after all. Everything’s just so complicated and it’s not like there’s some book that explains these things. All they’ve done since we became friends is try to help and be understanding. Why am I doubting them like this? Friends shouldn’t doubt one another, should they? I wish they’d doubted me more back then.
Starlight shook her head, No, I don’t mean that. If the ponies in Our Town hadn’t listened to me, I wouldn’t be here with Twilight today. Wait, that’s messed up when I think about it; I regret it, I just don’t know what to think. And why did I have to rush things? I could’ve waited, Twilight didn’t have anypony else vying for her affections, right? I could blame Twilight or Luna for dragging it out of me, but that just doesn’t seem right either. Was it even really a mistake? Well I guess it doesn’t really matter now, but why did I have to be so impatient? She put a hoof to the mirror. “What should I do?”
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“Would it be terribly inconvenient if I brought Sweetie Belle along?” Rarity pleaded, pausing to take a sip of tea as she did so. She lowered her voice so Sweetie wouldn’t hear her. “Apple Bloom’s helping Big Mac with his delivery and Scootaloo’s parents took her along with them on business since Flitter said she can’t foalsit for them this week and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone at the boutique. It’s not that I don’t trust her, just that when she’s bored and left to her own devices she sometimes gets into some… interesting situations.”
“What about your parents? I’m sorry, it’s just this lunch is kind of important and I’ve got something to tell all of you that I’m not sure I’m ready for anypony else to hear just yet.” Twilight knew if she said too much Rarity might guess it on her own, but she wasn’t sure if Starlight was ready for anypony outside their circle of friends to know about their relationship.
“They’re on vacation in Whinneapolis. If it helps I can send Sweetie out of the room when the time comes though. Would that be alright?”
Twilight sighed. “That should be fine, I think. I’ll see you there then.” the purple princess replied before turning around and proceeding down the path towards the castle she called home.
“That’s all of them, now all we gotta do is make lunch and wait.” Even as she said that, the anticipation was killing her. Ever since coming to Ponyville these ponies had taught her so much, it was only recently that she’d realized how much she still had yet to learn about relationships. It still felt so strange, seeing somepony she once considered her enemy, then her friend, student, and cohabitant of her home in that light.
Even in a normal situation somepony’s first love is supposed to feel strange and new and exciting. I can’t even begin to cover how this feels yet. It’s like every time I see her I have to remind myself that we’re together now. It’s kind of… exciting. I mean I’ve been involved in so many exciting events, but this one’s different. This one feels a bit more… personal? It’s weird, every time I think about it and what the future might hold my heart fills with both warmth and dread. I feel fear for what might happen but also the warm embrace of Starlight’s feelings and maybe my feelings for her as well.
I feel so conflicted, I mean there are so many kinds of love and from what I’ve read it seems to be different for everypony at least to some degree. How can I know that I’m not just excited to explore something new. It’s only been a few days, but we live together, so every day I find myself asking if I really like her like that. I still don’t know if I should commit to this. It makes Starlight happy and the way she feels about me makes me happy and I like that, but how do I really feel about Starlight? It’s frustrating, but also exciting and new, I just hope that I don’t end up breaking her heart.
“Twilight! Hey, Twilight!”
“Huh? What?”
“I’ve been trying to get your attention for a while now, but you just kept walking! Is something wrong?” Spike asked, looking concerned.
“It’s nothing to worry about, you’ll hear all about it at lunch. Or some of it anyways. But what were you trying to tell me?”
“I figured you were on your way back, but then you just walked right past the castle! You had that look you do when you’re deep in thought, so I figured you might not have realized. You promise you’ll tell me all about this over lunch?”
“Don’t worry so much, Spike, for once it’s good news.” At least I think it is.
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Starlight shifted uncomfortably next to Twilight. Despite her best efforts, she was unable to hide it from her friends.
Twilight cleared her throat and gave Rarity a nod.
“Sweetie Belle, darling, would you mind waiting outside for a moment? We have some important matters to discuss.”
“Aww, do I have to?”
“I’ll get you some ice cream on the way home.”
“Rarityyyyy.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll let you go to that Coloratura concert next week on two conditions, you leave the room for a until we’re done talking and when the time comes I’m going with you.”
Sweetie’s eyes lit up at that. “Can I bring Apple Bloom and Scootaloo along?”
Rarity gave a pleading glance in Applejack’s direction before responding. “If their families are okay with it, I don’t see why not."
Applejack sighed. “Alright, but have her back by midnight.” Already she was preparing the don’t do anything you’d be ashamed to tell granny about talk she’d be giving Apple Bloom when she got back.
“Yes ma’am, thank you!” she replied as she trotted out into the hall.
As soon as everypony saw Sweetie Belle leave, they turned to Twilight.
“So what exactly is all this about?” Applejack asked incredulously.
“Yeah! You’ve been acting weird all day, is everything alright?” Rainbow chimed in.
Twilight took a deep breath. “As you know, Starlight has been living here with me for a while now. During that time or… maybe before? Anyways she developed… feelings for me of the” she swallowed. “Well, romantic feelings for me which she... “
Noticing Twilight’s distress, Starlight interrupted. “What she means to say is… we’re dating now.” A fierce blush crossed her face as she tried to hide it by looking away.
“What?” Spike looked from one to the other, connecting the dots in his mind.
“Finally! I almost thought you’d take another month!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Wait, Wha-” Starlight started.
“Oh, come on, you were totally obvious, anypony would notice! The way you looked at Twilight like she was some kind of goddess or something.” Rainbow replied.
“How long have you known?” asked Twilight.
“Well, um, I’ve known for maybe three weeks now. About Starlight’s feelings, I mean.” Fluttershy answered.
“B-but I didn’t even know how I felt about Twilight then. I didn’t even know what it meant to be in love! How did everypony know before me?”
“It’s kind of obvious with the amount of time you spend staring at Twilight’s flank.”
“Rainbow!” Rarity chided.
“What, it’s true!”
“Whether it’s true or not, there’s no need to point it out like that.” said Applejack.
“S-so anyways, b-back to the topic at hoof. The reason we called you here to tell you this is b-because this is a new thing for both of us, so we’d like your support.” Starlight stammered.
“Is that all? Why of course we’ll be there for y’all, just because you’re together now doesn’t change that we’re friends.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve been planning a party for you two for a while now! Of course I’ll be right there with you!”
“Now Pinkie, I’m not certain they want all of Ponyville to know just yet. Let’s just keep this between us for now, okay?”
“Of course I’ve got your back!” Rainbow exclaimed. “I might even have a few pointers for you if you’re interested.”
“Oh, don’t kid yourself darling, when it comes to romance you can’t tell your hooves from your flank!”
Laughter resounded as the tension drained from the room. In time even Spike returned from his shocked stupor and joined in. Sweetie Belle was allowed back in, and though everypony remained tight lipped, Starlight was beginning to think that even she had caught on.
It was evening by the time everypony left, each providing them with vague words of encouragement before heading back home. They ate dinner and Spike headed off for bed. For the first time that day, Twilight and Starlight were alone.
“Hey, Starlight?”
“Yeah?”
“How does it feel being in love with me? I mean, I know it feels different for everypony, but how does it feel for you?”
Starlight breathed in, then out. “I’m going to be as honest as I can about this, okay. No more lies, right?”
Twilight gave a warm, tender smile and put a hoof on Starlight’s withers. “No more lies. At least between us.”
“It’s difficult to describe. At times I look at you and I feel my heart beating faster, and I feel like I want to be as close as possible to you, like a hug, but closer, like I want to be covered in you I guess. Other times I feel worry for the future, or pain at the idea that what either of us feels might not be love. Sometimes I convince myself that it’s just infatuation, or that I don’t deserve you. I realize that I’m still the same me that I’ve always been, but I feel like I’ve changed and I feel like that’s a good thing.” Starlight sighed.
“I think about what it might be like if we end up together for the rest of our lives, about how I’d live on if you died before me, or if we split up, or if you vanished from my life. It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before and often I find myself wondering how I ever got on without it but at the same time wish I didn’t have it so life wouldn’t have to be so complicated. It’s so many crazy feelings stretching me every which way at once all telling me something different but mainly that I can’t imagine a life without you in it anymore. Maybe it is infatuation, but even if that’s the case I want to make love out of it.” she laughed.
“That was a lot, wasn’t it, and that’s not even half of how I feel. I’m scared, happy, excited, full of dread, nervous, and so many other feelings besides.” Starlight shook her head. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”
The Princess of Friendship stood there for a moment, and in the next she held Starlight in her hooves. “If you’re a mess, I guess I am too. I keep wondering if what I’m feeling is love, or if I just don’t want to make you sad. I ask myself if the warm feeling in my heart comes from you or the things you say to me. Sometimes I look at you and I think you look cute, then I second guess myself, I wonder if I’m trying to make myself think these things for your sake. Because I want to keep that smile on your face. I just don’t know how I feel, I have this preconceived notion of how I should feel, but I’m not even sure if that’s right anymore. When we kissed, it felt good and right even, but I don’t know if that’s because I wanted so bad for things to work out or if I actually felt that way about you.” As she continued to talk tears welled up in her eyes. “I’ve never been so confused. I want to love you so bad that I don’t know if I do love you, I don’t even know whether or not that’s a bad thing. Maybe I do. Maybe I love you and I can’t even tell because up until recently you’ve been like a child to me. You were supposed to be my adorable student, I was going to be for you what Princess Celestia was for me and so much more, so how did you become my beautiful mare?”
As the tears streamed down Twilight’s cheeks, Starlight wiped them away. “Twilight, as long as you’re by my side, I’ll always be happy. I still love you, but just being around you is enough for me. Now tell me, do you feel like you want things to go back to how they were?”
Twilight started at that. “No! I mean, I still have these feelings, you still look so amazing in this light. I don’t think I can go back to how things were. Maybe I’m wrong about my feelings, but I get what you’re saying. If I keep thinking like this, I’ll never know for sure. And even if I’m wrong, I still feel happy when I’m with you, I still see you and my heart skips a beat. Even if these feelings are fake, they feel real enough for me. I love you, Starlight. If I don’t really feel that way, then I’ll convince my heart that I do.”
Twilight kissed her. It lasted for only a minute but for the two ponies it seemed to last ten times that.
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I don’t know how to feel. Starlight sat on her balcony, staring up at the moon and stars. In them she saw a turbulent ocean of constellations.
Am I forcing Twilight to feel this way? Or was Twilight actually doubting herself too much, like she said she might be? Ugh, why can’t everything be simple? Why does life have to be so complicated? I said all those things earlier about love and how I feel but really even then I don’t really know anything beyond the fact that I’ve never felt this way about another pony. But I have no other word for these feelings.
I just wish it were the same for everypony, like anger or joy. I wish I could look love up in a medical journal and get a list of symptoms. But all either of us know is this jumble of feelings.
Starlight headed to her bed and tucked herself in. Just thinking about it hurts my head. Maybe Luna will know more about this. Or maybe she’ll be able to ask Princess Cadence, she probably knows all about love. It is her domain after all.
Several minutes of tossing and turning later, she was fast asleep.
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“Are you awake, Spike?” asked the purple alicorn.
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Do you ever doubt your crush on Rarity? I mean, how do you know you feel that way?” she asked pensively.
“I dunno, it’s just a warm feeling I get in my heart when I see her, when I hear her voice, or the way I worry about her when she’s in trouble. It’s just a bunch of feelings I can’t explain any other way.”
“How do you keep going knowing that she doesn’t think of you that way? I mean, have you ever found somepony else you like that way? What if she’s never able to return those feelings to you?”
“Listen, I may be younger than you, but I’m not an idiot. I know Rarity doesn’t feel the same way. There’ve been a couple others who have caught my eye and someday I know I’ll have to move on. The way I see it, I’m just enjoying this feeling while it lasts. So often you hear older ponies say that they wish they were still young and free, it makes me want to make the most of what I have now. Someday, Rarity’s probably going to settle down with somepony else, but at least I’ll be able to say that I tried. And I’ll always have those memories, ya’ know?”
“I never knew you thought about this so deeply.”
“Well, it’s kind of hard not to when I’m left with so much free time. You go off on adventures, sometimes spend an entire week on a friendship problem, and I’m left behind to clean the castle. Sure I have other things I do when you’re away, sometimes I hang out with Big Mac, I catch up with some of the neighbors, sometimes I even write my own letters to Princess Celestia. Nothing too formal, but she says she enjoys that aspect. Apparently ruling a kingdom and maintaining appearances is so stressful that even a normal conversation is a welcome change of pace. But between all of that I think about my life, my future, what I want to see when I look back on however many years down the line, wondering if I’ll ever get a different job or just be your assistant forever. I think about a lot of things while I work or when I’m home alone and there’s plenty of books around.”
“Wait, what? How have I never heard about any of this?”
“You never ask. Besides, it’s easier to just not bring it up, you have enough on your plate as is. I don’t want to worry you. I’m more surprised you two managed to keep something so big from me. I guess that’s why I’m so chatty tonight. Still kind of in shock, in just a few words my world changed. By the way, you were asking me about how I know I love Rarity, are you two having problems with that?”
“Never mind, Spike, goodnight.”
That response told Spike all he needed to know. There would be no further discussion about this and even if there was it would be on her terms. Besides, he was tired and now wasn’t the best time to press Twilight on the issue. “Yeah, goodnight.”
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Princess Luna paced back and forth along the shore of her island dreamscape. As nights go, this one was pretty light on nightmares, she might have gone out hunting pony-eating monsters or maybe played chess or cards with one of her royal guards if this were a few weeks ago. Now she had somepony she was waiting for, somepony she wanted to see not for business, but for pleasure. She was waiting on a friend.
She was so focused on waiting for her friend in fact that she almost didn’t notice the pony crying out in agony from a nearby dream. Luna leapt into the nightmare almost entirely out of habit. Suddenly she was engulfed in darkness, though she could see a spotlight in the distance. As she got closer to the light, the form of the pony beneath it grew clearer. Their coat was a transparent purple. She began to make out what appeared to be wings, then her horn. It was Twilight.
Upon closer examination Luna realized something. Twilight was not alone, she was embracing a young foal with pigtails. Within Twilight, Luna saw a radiant heart exuding a warm glow.
Another spotlight appeared parallel to the first. With it came another Twilight. She held a beautiful mare in her arms, though one could tell at a glance that this embrace was of a different nature. This Twilight’s heart burned brightly, intensely, as though it were a bonfire on the night of a festival. The mare and the filly were both Starlight. It was some pretty cut and dry symbolism, but the meaning all depended on whose dream it was and until knew that, Luna couldn’t determine for certain what it meant or how she could help. Fortunately for her, she didn’t need to wait long.
A third light revealed the real Twilight between the two figures. She kept looking one way, then the other.
Luna flew over to the distraught pony. “What is the matter, Twilight?” she asked, feigning ignorance.
“There’s a bridge on each side of me. If I choose the wrong one, both bridges are gonna collapse. If I choose right, only the opposite bridge collapses.”
“Who are you trying to reach?”
“I’m trying to reach myself, but I don’t know which one’s me.”
“And there is your problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you sure that there is not a third bridge?”
“I haven’t seen a third bridge, I can’t see any of the bridges, just what lies on the other side.”
“You have a third option, Twilight. One that leads to both.”
“But how’s that possible? I can’t have it both ways!”
“And I thought you knew all about this, Miss Stallionberg’s Triangular Theory of Love.”
“According to his philosophy there are three forms of love: passion, commitment, and intimacy. But how does familial love fit into that?”
“The love you feel is similar, but not quite the same. You will never be her mother, though you may care for her in the same ways. Intimacy describes warmth, closeness, and sharing. These are not restricted to family, though if you buy into Stallionberg’s model, it is only one third of the whole that is romantic love. In other words, romance cannot work with just one aspect. Right now it seems as though you feel that you must either give in to your passion or simply be as intimate with her as a mother is with her daughter. If you felt only one of these kinds of love, then you might be better off leaving it at that. Love with only passion and your love burns bright, but fades fast. Love with only commitment and in time you will grow bitter, like a worker who receives no pay. Love with only intimacy and your love will slowly wither and die with no spark to ignite it. Only with all three can a healthy relationship be born. Though according to my teacher, they should add in communication for good measure.”
“Teacher?”
“Cadence has decided to tutor us on all things love in this new era. We- I was not around for Steinberg’s time, but from how passionately she speaks about the psychology of love, I figure he had to be onto something.”
“Oh, I was wondering how you knew so much about him, you never really struck me as the romantic type. No offense.”
“I assure you that I am not offended. But more importantly, you have a bridge to cross.”
Twilight turned around to find what Luna was pointing at, an illuminated bridge spanning a larger distance than the other two combined, and at the end sat Starlight all by herself.
Luna placed a hoof across her withers, “Go, Twilight, she is waiting for you, all of you.”
As Twilight headed down the new bridge, Luna sunk back into the shadows. As much as she’d have loved to talk more with Twilight like she had with Starlight, there were some dreams where it was best not to break immersion. This time she would act as though she were but another element of the purple princess’s dream. Better to let her believe that this was entirely her own idea.
That said, a dream does not carry the same weight as a lesson, at least not unless it is remembered in its entirety. Usually it’s more like a seed, lying in the unconscious mind, occasionally giving a little unexplained push one way or another. One day a pony may decide on a different meal than usual, take the long route home, clean the bathroom early this month. These things are usually decided “on a whim” and not every decision made in this way can always be entirely explained even; at times, by dreams.
The Princess of the Night liked to believe that even in circumstances such as these, she had some small impact, though perhaps just big enough to bring about change.
Perhaps this will lessen your doubts. It may be slow, but I believe in the two of you. I wonder if it is a bit selfish of us, hoping that one so similar to myself finds joy.
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Starlight rolled around a few times, trying to avoid the rays of the sun pouring over the balcony and through her window. But try as she might, in her head she knew it was already too late, she was awake. Despite this, she couldn’t help the feeling that she needed to be asleep, needed to meet somepony. Then it dawned on her, Luna never came to talk to her last night.
It shouldn’t have been strange for Princess Luna to be too busy to visit somepony’s dream, but after a week of midnight meetups it had become strange to her. Most ponies rarely meet with Luna, but to Starlight it had become so common that she found her absence peculiar. Whenever she was together with Luna, it brought back this old nostalgic feeling. It was like being together with Sunburst again but different, Luna and Sunburst were different ponies after all.
Princess Luna was friendly and full of energy most of the time, but she could easily slip into a more serious conversation. This always seemed to make her a bit sad, as though she wanted so badly to cling to that goofy, happy-go-lucky demeanor. Sunburst was always more careful and introverted, but from what she could tell he enjoyed being pulled outside of his comfort zone. It was as though he wanted some excuse to be a little more social. She could imagine him thinking to himself It’s okay because I’m doing this for someone else’s sake, not my own.
Why do I feel the need to compare those two? Does that mean I see her as a friend? And now that I think about it, how long have I been calling her Luna? Maybe I’ll talk to her about it next time. I hope she’s alright. Well, time to get up I guess.
As she attempted to lift herself from the bed she noticed something was holding her there, preventing her from getting up. From behind her she heard a low mumble followed by “...five more minutes…” then more mumbling. Bit by bit she realized what was going on.
That was Twilight’s voice. She was sleeping right behind Starlight, hooves and wings embracing her gently. Slowly, as subtly as she could, she turned to face Twilight. She may not have been able to get back to sleep, but five more minutes lying next to her new marefriend was more than enough for her.