"Really Filthy... and you wonder why we never managed to conceive a foal of our own. Just look at you, sleeping the sleep of the damned! Or the damned lazy, as I prefer to put it. If this is the kind of response you have to receiving a simple proposition from your loving wife, then who knows how you would've lasted more than five seconds when it comes to 'doing your duty' between the sheets."
"Mrs Rich, I hardly think this is the time or the place..."
"...Not that I've experienced that 'pleasure' for years, Princess. This selfish brute has always fallen asleep as soon as his head's hit the pillow. Honestly, I don't know why us girls bother with stallions at all, when they're not letting you down in the bedroom department they're having a free all-expenses vacation gallivanting across the country. He calls it 'work', to which I say ha! Just another lame excuse for his unsatisfactory performances, both as a father and a lover. If I were you dear, I'd concentrate on running the kingdom, not fluttering your eyelashes at that commoner Flush Pantry. It's just not worth it, having a roll in the hay for the sake of many, many disappointments that lie ahead..."
Splutter... "First of all Mrs Rich, it's highly offensive to even infer I have those kind of feelings for Flus... I mean, Flash Sentry. He's simply one of my many loyal guards while I'm in Canterlot, nothing more. Also, don't you think this conversation about your love life is a little inappropriate considering who else is in the room?!"
"Oh darling, you've gone quite the shade of bright red! I wish I'd bought up this topic sooner, because that's the exact shade I need for the wall of the new tanning salon I'll be having commissioned in the east wing soon! And there's no need to be shy around My Diamond, I want her to have all possible knowledge about the basic facts of life before she's old enough to be wed. I'd already picked out at least three serviceable candidates for her future mate, all of them dashingly handsome with a surfeit of resources to support her financially. Best of all, each potential nuptial would bolster the already auspicious Rich family name to dazzling new heights. There was a time not so long ago that she was more than happy to fulfil her natural born obligations and wed according to the strict guidelines I set out for her, but ever since that beastly trio set off a spark of rebellion in her immature head all I hear is this 'I want to marry for love, not wealth or status' nonsense. She's even thinking of getting a career, the shame of it all! When is she going to realise that being a kept mare is far preferable to working yourself into an early grave. I mean, ever since I left the dairy under a cloud that day, I haven't had to lift a hoof except to wave the butlers away after elevenses, and just look at how I turned out!!"
"Y-Yes, Mrs Rich. Just 'look at how you turned out'. In any case, I'd rather you didn't discuss such matters of an intimate nature with me, including idle speculation about my personal life. Not everything you read in The National Hayquirer is right, you know. At this moment in time, your sole focus should be on Diamond Tiara's future, and your partner's health. Speaking of which, it looks as if he's finally coming around."
"Is he? Oh good, then... maybe I'll finally get some answers from the useless lug regarding my brilliant idea. First, he refuses to defend my honour when our very own daughter is verbally abusing me almost to tears, then he starts napping in the middle of the day when he should be paying attention to my needs! It's little wonder he manages to get anything done at all, with an unreliable temperament like that. Did you know Princess, that pretty much all of Barnyard Bargains's success is down to me badgering him everyday to do the simplest of tasks? Why, just this Tuesday, he wanted to go to work wearing a black tie! Can you believe it?! What a disgrace! Doesn't he realise, that this is the season everypony wears white?! I have to admit though, he put up quite the taxing battle when I tried to get him to do the right thing. After some convincing counterarguments from me, a bit of sweet-talk and a few smashed appliances later, he at long last thankfully saw sense. Later that day, as a direct result of my thoughtful encouragement, he signed one of the biggest deals in his company's history. This never would've happened if he'd showed up looking like he was attending a funeral. But did I get any thanks? What do you think?! I'm suppose I shouldn't expect any now either for my marvellous suggestion that'll save this loving family from destroying itself from the inside out, but I guess at least one of us has to stand up to do what's right. You know, as opposed to collapsing like a house of cards at the merest hint of pressure..."
"W-What?! W-Where am I?! O-Oh no...T-That voice. A-And that face. AARGH! I'm having a nightmare!! Help me somepony! I'm too fancy to be dragged off by pointy-nosed demonic... oh."
Filthy Rich abruptly jolted awake from his shock-induced blackout, the smelling salts helpfully bought along by one of his servants on the request of Starlight apparently doing the trick. The first image he saw upon reemerging into the waking world, a ghastly, ghostly apparition leering down at him at if wanting to suck out his very soul, almost made him wish he could reenter his blissful state of stupefaction on a more permanent basis.
His little 'daughter' by his side, hugging him while whispering tender words of love in his ear, made him realise some things are still worth fighting for, however. He attempted to straighten himself out to a reasonably respectful level, before daring to stare down the behemoth right in front of him in a feat of unparalleled bravery .
"W-What was it you just said, that made me conk out? Something about 'the horse'..."
Spoiled giggled at her husband's misheard word, lightly kissing him on the cheek in her merriment. Despite his best efforts, her pursed lips made a direct hit. "You silly goose, Filthy..." she said, chidingly. "I said we could get a quickie divorce. Although, if you wanted to, you could remarry a horse afterwards. Or even a yak, I don't really care about the perversion of nature that would entail afterwards since I'd be long out of the picture. I'll have you know, There would be a line a hundred miles long to seek my fair hoof after we separate, and you'll live to regret treating me so shabbily..."
"Just tell me what your terms are, so we can get it over and done with. After today's revelations and your unforgivable conduct in front of Princess Twilight, I'd say I'm just about ready to throw in the towel." Filthy was naturally suspicious of any offer that his shrewd shrew of a wife (soon to be ex, hopefully) might make which would put her at a disadvantage, but so desperate was he to see her promptly leave he was more than willing to take the chance of being played for a sucker.
Even though she was prepared for all possible outcomes, Spoiled seemed a little genuinely hurt at how swiftly Filthy wanted to get things moving. "W-Well if that's how you feel darling, then I'll get straight to the point. Obviously, the last fifteen years have meant nothing to you, if my little 'personal problem' can break us apart so easily."
It doesn't matter how outwardly feeble a pony is on the surface, occasionally when their back is against the wall the only option is to come out swinging. For Filthy Rich, this was one such precious moment. "If you actually think that's the reason behind my utter disgust, you really must be as short a memory as Diamond implied." He scowled, while shaking with anger. "Don't you remember all the nights we cried together in each other's hooves, after you got your infertility results back from the doctor? As if I was any less than a rock for you in your time of need. Then, when you had our 'miracle foal', I was the happiest Daddy in the whole of Equestria. Now I find out that too, was nothing but a dirty lie. Just like everything else in our sham of a marriage, from our wedding vows onwards. I'm not going to shout or raise my voice now because of our guests, but if you can't see a slight disparity between the way you're acting now compared to when we first met, you really are deludi..."
"H-Hmm y-yes, very interesting, Filthy. O-Obviously, there's an issue of trust with us too, if certain things we said we'd never mention again can be discussed so openly..." Droplets of sweat began pouring from Spoiled's brow all of a sudden, as she attempted to change the subject at breakneck speed. "A-Anyway, L-Let's stop dredging up the distant past, and just concentrate on the future, s-shall w-we?"
Filthy's comments however hadn't escaped the attention of one Twilight Sparkle, who's curiosity was piqued enough to remark: "Actually, I think I'd like to hear a little more about..."
"L-Look, this is not up for debate!! We're here to talk about my daughter, not me! So let's just move on... unless of course, you want me to withdraw the resolution entirely." Spoiled was determined to regain some kind of control over proceedings, and quickly moved to staunch all other 'unhelpful' chatter then.
Frowning at not being able to push the issue any further, Twilight reluctantly gave in. "Anything you say, Mrs Rich."
"Thank you. At last, a consensus we can agree with." Spoiled breathed a sigh of relief, before returning to her usual hauteur. "Now, as I've already kindly proposed, I'm more than willing to forego any kind of financial restitution in our tragic parting of the ways, in return for one minor favour. Can anypony here guess what that might be? A cashew cookie to the one who gets it righ... hey, where have they all gone?!"
Completely unfazed by the unexplained disappearance of Spoiled's nut-laden sweet treats, Starlight was the first to comment. "Let me have a stab... your sole condition is that you'd keep me from ever seeing my own daughter again, just because of your petty hatred. How pathetic can you get. Let me just say for the record, that I'll fight you every step of the way with this. I won't rest for a second 'til I... what are you laughing about?!"
It was absolutely true... Spoiled Rich was now rolling around on the marble floor clutching her sides, as if somepony had just told her a startlingly hilarious joke. Each pony in that room glanced at each other in turn, wondering what on Equestria had gotten into the usually stoic mare who'd now become nothing more than a cackling mess on the floor. It's not like her laughter was in any way appealing to the ears either, sounding more like a shrill shriek of distress on constant repeat.
Fortunately, before everypony's ears could start bleeding at the onslaught of this obtrusive racket, Spoiled abruptly stopped her mini-fit just as quickly as she'd started. "Phew, that was a good one, Miss Dimmer..." She sighed with exhaustion, while making sure her mane was properly combed over once more. "Rather than running around Equestria making a nuisance of yourself, you should've been on the comedy circuit. A little while ago in town, we had this stupid clown... I think his name was 'Cheesy Roll', or something? Whatever he was called, the ignoramus had me up from my beauty sleep half the night with an outrageously loud party. You would've got on quite well with that tactless buffoon, I'd wager."
"For the record, his real name is 'Cheese Sandwich'..." Twilight was beginning to get more than a little fed up of Spoiled's non-stop insults, even stretching to ponies she hadn't met before now. "...And that 'loud party' was in honour of my friend, Rainbow Dash's birthday. I'm sure you don't begrudge one of the heroes of Equestria her special day, in light of everything she's..."
"Actually, I do... especially when said 'hero' looked about ready to knock my teeth out earlier for whatever reason." Spoiled snarled, gnashing her chompers which were luckily enough still fully intact. "And, no wonder Mayor Mare refused to prosecute those responsible for that outrage the day afterwards, when I put in an official complaint at her office. Talk about an injustice. Still, when I've coached My Diamond out of her current brush with insanity, she'll be running the show around here and things'll be very different..."
Going to pat her 'daughter' on the head, Diamond's quicksilver efforts to avoid Spoiled's hoof were considerably more successful than Filthy's failed attempt earlier at eluding a smooch. Looking down crossly at her rebellious child, the older mare decided to waste no more time in describing just how this 'deal' would work in practice.
"I found your speculation about my alleged future plans so funny earlier Miss Rimmer, because what I'm about to suggest is the exact opposite. I am saying that if my daughter finds the prospect of having a misfit like you as a mother so appealing in contrast to my good self, maybe we should find out she handles that scenario in a real life situation... at least, for a little bit."
Confusion reigned all around upon the announcement of Spoiled's staggering invitation. Each pony present became completely dumbstruck, with absolutely no idea why she was suggesting this all of a sudden or how it could possibly be beneficial to her cause.
Eventually, and with a large degree of cautious optimism, Starlight was the next one to speak again. "W-Wait a second. D-Does this mean..."
Turning to her main adversary, Spoiled afforded the unicorn her friendliest expression since she'd turned up on the Rich's doorstep that day. "That's exactly what I mean, Miss Limber. If all of us, including old misery-guts over there agree, we'll sign over all full custodial rights to you, for one whole month. Then, if Diamond somehow manages to survive your amateurish administrations until then, I'll be out of the door forever. By myself, without the need for an expensive, time-consuming, emotionally-draining, headline-grabbing trial either. No ifs. No buts. Of course, me and Filthy will still see her regularly during that period to make sure she's still breathing, but for the most part you'll have complete control over her comings and goings. I'll even let the Princess and her pet reptile help out too, if they so wish. However, if things don't go quite as well as I suspect, and she comes galloping back with her tail between her legs..."
At this point, Spoiled's roving eye turned it's glare onto a completely speechless Diamond and Filthy, and she smirked so broadly you probably could've shoved a watermelon in her mouth.
"...That'll be when things get interesting. So, everypony... shall we start talking turkey?"