//------------------------------// // The Stupidest Pegasus // Story: The Earth Pony that Couldn't and Other Cautionary Tales // by Ri2 //------------------------------// Once upon a time, there was a very stupid Pegasus. She was incredibly athletic, and talented in that field, and felt no shame in saying as much to everyone, frequently, as loudly as she possibly could, to the point where one wondered who exactly she was trying to prove it to. She often performed impressive and incredibly dangerous stunts that had a high potential of causing a great amount of property damage or personal injury, but no matter how much collateral damage was inflicted to her or others, she never seemed to learn from her mistakes, and continued acting as selfishly and overconfident as she always had. She also had a frustrating love for pranks, and frequently went around town pulling them off on everyone, even on those who were of too timid a nature to enjoy being pranked. She was told repeatedly that she was going too far and needed to tone it down if not stop altogether, but again, the Pegasus seemed to be incapable of learning from her mistakes and no matter how often she promised she take it down a notch, it wasn’t too long before she reverted back to her old ways. Eventually, the town sorceress got fed up with this after the umpteenth time her books were rearranged improperly, and issued a challenge to the Pegasus: in one week, they would have a race. If the Pegasus won, she would get a shiny trophy, and if the sorceress won, the Pegasus would have to be her slave for the rest of her days. The Pegasus loved winning races and earning trophies, so accepted the challenge without a second thought. Now, the Pegasus wasn’t a complete idiot. She was sure the sorceress would have some trick up her sleeve, so spent the next week training harder than she’d ever trained before, reaching new levels of speed and skill. The sorceress, in the meantime, didn’t seem to do anything particular to prepare. She read her books, practiced her spells, and occasionally took leisurely walks around town or had lunch with friends. This only made the Pegasus even more paranoid and drove her to train even harder, absolutely certain the sorceress had some big plan in store for her, and while the smart thing to do with it would have been to just call the whole thing off then and there, her all-too-fragile pride and ego refused to let her give up. Finally, the day of the race came. As the two ponies trotted up to the starting line, the sorceress reminded the Pegasus of the rules, or rather, rule singular: “Remember, whoever crosses the finish line wins.” “Yeah, yeah, I know,” the Pegasus said with a snort. “Let’s do this already!” “Very well,” the sorceress said, a worryingly confident smile on her face. After a count of three, the sorceress’s loyal and obedient lackey signaled the start of the race. In a flash, the Pegasus was off, galloping and flapping faster than she’d ever galloped and flapped before, the finish line the only thing in her mind. The sorceress, still smiling, waited a few seconds, and then ignited magic in her horn, vanishing in a flash of light and teleporting to the end of the race track, where she trotted across the finish line moments before the Pegasus could. “I win.” “No way! You cheated!” The Pegasus protested, indignant. “No I didn’t. The rule was that the winner was the pony who crossed the finish line first. At no point was it said that teleportation magic was forbidden,” the sorceress said smugly. As the Pegasus spluttered in disbelief, the sorceress ignited her horn again, a collar with a long, thick chain attached to it appearing on the Pegasus’ neck. “Come along now, slave,” the sorceress said, yanking on the chain with her magic and dragging her miserable new peon back to her demesnes. “You have a lot of reshelving to do.” “And that, girls, is why Rainbow Dash will be living with us from now on,” Twilight cheerfully concluded her story. Behind her, a crying Rainbow Dash, an iron collar around her neck, was desperately trying to reshelf some books as Spike viciously cracked a whip through the air whenever she seemed to flag or make a mistake. “You call that reshelving?!” the Dragon barked. “I’ve been doing this job since before I could even talk, and I still did it better and faster than you! I thought you were supposed to be fast, but so far all I’m seeing is someone even slower than Snails, in both the physical AND intellectual sense!” He cracked his whip again, and even though it didn’t hit Rainbow, she still yelped, nearly dropping the books she was carrying. She frantically reaffirmed her grip before they could slip from her hooves, only to nearly drop them again when Spike once more cracked his whip right next to her ear. “One more butterhooves move like that, and the next one won’t miss! Pick up the pace, worm!” “Spike sure seems to have embraced the role of slave overseer, hasn’t he?” Apple Bloom said morbidly. “I guess it’s because he finally has power over somepony else for a change,” Sweetie Belle observed. Twilight nodded in agreement. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy before! I’m glad he’s settled himself into this new niche.” “This is so awesome!” Scootaloo squealed joyfully. “I get to live in the same house as Rainbow Dash! This almost makes up for the fact that both of us are going to be slaves for the rest of our lives!” Twilight’s recently acquired friendship student, Starlight Glimmer, frowned in puzzlement. “So… I might be missing something here, but doesn’t being friends with somepony mean you aren’t supposed to enslave them? I mean, I enslaved all of my friends, and everypony acted like that was something horrible, but when you do it, nobody seems to blink an eye.” “Yes, well, that’s because I’m a Princess and you aren’t,” Twilight explained. “Ah. Of course,” Starlight replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Princess of Friendship my ass. More like Princess of Double Standards…” She muttered under her breath. “What was that?” Twilight asked sharply. “Nothing,” Starlight said quickly. She swallowed. “Although, while we’re on the subject… Why is it that despite enslaving an entire town and stealing their cutie marks, imprisoning you and your friends and inflicting psychological torture on you, stalking you for months, and nearly breaking time itself, I get a slap on the wrist and become your student, able to live in your swanky Palace and enjoy luxuries unimaginable while learning magic I never dreamed of, while Rainbow, one of your closest friends, is enslaved for the rest of her life for playing a few pranks on you?” “Because you never messed with any of my books,” Twilight said happily. “… Well, now I’m REALLY glad I never went through with my plan to deface all the books in your library…” Starlight muttered, unnerved. “Anyway, what lesson can we glean from the story?” Twilight continued. “That it’s important to actually exercise moderation when people ask it of you rather than continuing doing something long past the point where it stops being funny?” Apple Bloom suggested. “When you compete against somepony else, make absolutely sure the rules are clear enough to avoid a loophole that could screw you over?” Sweetie Belle offered. “Never take part in a competition with ridiculously one-sided risks and rewards because it’s never worth it?” Scootaloo guessed. “Being a Princess apparently gives you free reign to be a colossal hypocrite?” Starlight snarked. “No, it’s that you don’t fuck with Twilight Sparkle’s books,” Twilight said firmly. Behind her, Rainbow let out an especially loud sob. Without looking, Twilight yelled “Spike! Make sure to catch some of her tears, I can use them to make all sorts of valuable alchemical reagents!” “Already on it!” the Dragon shouted back. “You want to cry, maggot? Then go ahead, cry! CRY HARDER!” Rainbow did, indeed, cry harder. Twilight smiled sunnily. “I think this is going to work out just fine.” “… Is it too late for me to get someone else as a friendship teacher?” Starlight asked weakly. “Like Fluttershy, maybe? I’m sure I could learn a lot from Fluttershy. She seems nice.” “No,” Twilight said bluntly. Starlight sighed. “Yeah, that’s about what I figured.” “Well, on the bright side, at least we’re not the rookies anymore, so Spike won’t discipline us as much while he tries to break the new girl,” Apple Bloom grunted. Sweetie Belle nodded. “Yeah, and Scoots seems pretty happy.” “I’m going to cut off pieces of her mane in her sleep,” Scootaloo said eagerly. “Didn’t you do that already?” Apple Bloom asked. “Yes, but this time it’ll be much easier!” Scootaloo replied. Rainbow wept even harder upon hearing this. Starlight sighed and rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. Not for the first time, she wondered if prison would be better than this. At least there, the nutjobs were usually fairly obvious… “No, no, NO! You got those classification numbers all wrong! Do you even know how to count?!” Spike bellowed at Rainbow after another screw-up. “This is sooooo boring!” Rainbow wailed in despair as she quickly rearranged the books she’d messed up in the proper alphanumerical order. “I thought being a slave was gonna be sexy, not hard work!” “Oh, it’s definitely going to be both. Especially when you’re in my bed tonight,” Twilight said cheerfully. “Hey, Starlight, you want some of her too? Part of being friends is knowing when to share.” “Wait, what?!” Rainbow cried, startled. “...Yeah, okay,” Starlight said after a moment’s thought. It had been a while since she’d last had any... “Wonderful! This should make for a fun evening!” Twilight said happily. “But-but-but-” Rainbow protested. Spike cracked his whip. “No butts or speaking about them until later, whorse! You have all the time in the world to use your tongue however your Mistress commands it later, but until now, shut up and keep reshelving!” Rainbow gulped. “Yes, Spike.” Spike narrowed his eyes. “What was that?” Rainbow cringed. “Yes, Master Spike.” “Much better,” Spike said, looking inordinately pleased. “Glad that ain’t us,” Apple Bloom grunted. “I do not envy her,” Sweetie agreed, which was not entirely true. “I do!” Scootaloo said. “Don’t worry, girls, you’ll get your turn when you’re older. I’m not a pedophile, after all,” Twilight told the trio, who regarded her with horrified looks. “Hey, what are you three doing just standing around? GET BACK TO WORK!” Spike shouted at the Crusaders, cracking his whip. The trio sighed. “Yes, Master Spike,” they droned, picking up their feather dusters and getting back to cleaning. Starlight frowned. “Are the maid outfits really necessary?” “Yes, it helps them look the part,” Twilight explained. “Because they look pretty revealing. I thought you said you weren’t-” Starlight started. “So! Time for today’s lesson!” Twilight said loudly. “I’m going to teach you the proper way to arrange silverware in case a Very Important Pony like Princess Celestia comes to visit!” Starlight cringed. “Must we?” “Yes, we must! Come, to the dining room!” Twilight declared. Starlight sighed and followed her mentor out of the library, leaving Spike’s berating and Rainbow’s weeping behind. Bet they don’t make you arrange silverware in prison… she thought wistfully.