Ofolrodi

by Imploding Colon


Your Regularly Scheduled RAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

"Gaa-aaaaughhh!" Seething, writhing, Seraphimus hollered at the nearest thing to her. "Goddess damn you, Jordan! At least the Blight is natural decay in Verlaxion's shadow! But you?!" She forced the sled to rock and rattled as she rambled and spat. "You defiled all that was good in the light! You don't deserve her mercy! Damn you and every moment of trust I ever once held in you! The blood of Rohbredden is on your claws you impudent waste of flesh! Rrrrgh—baaaaaaaaaaaugh!"

Wildcard sighed. He calmly turned and looked at the rest of the Herald.

Logan stood, leaning a forelimb casually against his axe. Noticeably rattled, Kepler and Flynn remained huddled behind him... peeking over the obese stallion's girth to catch glimpses of the rabid griffin.

Not long after, Ariel and Rainbow Dash landed. Ariel winced hard... and immediately found a hiding place alongside Kepler and Flynn.

"Well..." Pinkie Pie dug the edge of her hoof into her ghostly ear as the air around them resonated with the impenetrable squawking. "...at least we've got a reliable sled alarm!"

"Pinkie..." Twilight sighed, then looked towards Applejack. "Applejack? Your thoughts?"

"She's plum loco."

"I mean... can you sense where she's at? Emotionally?"

"Yeah!" Applejack raised her voice to be heard amidst the bellowing. "I sense that she's plum loco!"

Twilight hollered back, "I mean can you tell if she's retaining any honest sanity inside that bird brain of hers?!?"

"Girls! Please!" Rarity clamped two hooves over her head and grimaced. "Isn't there enough yelling as it is?!"

"Maybe... uhm..." Fluttershy squirmed in place. "...maybe Wildcard can calm her down?"

Pinkie pointed. "He's been standing in front of her this whole time!"

"Oh... uh..." Fluttershy shifted in place. "...perhaps Kepler could fix up a nice warm Bleakweed broth?"

Twilight glared at her. "Seriously?" she droned.

"Well... it a-always worked for Angel whenever he was in a f-fussy mood!"

"Oh yeah?" Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Did Angel ever launch himself at you at the speed of sound while you was fixin' to cross to the Dark Side and nearly killed you and all yer friends in an apocalyptic temper tantrum?"

"Hmmmmm..." Fluttershy gulped, leaning away from the shrieking creature with a nervous smile. "M-maybe Wildcard can calm her down!"

"Eughhh..." Twilight Sparkle face-hoofed.

"Just relax everypony," Rainbow muttered aside.

"Relax?!?" Pinkie squeaked.

"Try... to relax!" Rainbow said with a frown... then trotted forward to join the Herald.

"...going to slay you infidels and feast your goddess forsaken entrails to the sharks! I swear to Verlaxion...!" Seraphimus continued, scarcely pausing to breathe.

Logan looked aside at Rainbow with a bored expression. He muttered, "You want me to say 'I told you so' or wait until an hour from now and then say 'I told you so?'"

"Stuff it, Big Show." Rainbow nodded in Wildcard's direction. "How long has she been awake for?"

"You mean you haven't heard the siren from second one?!" Ariel wheezed.

Wildcard held a few claws up, formed a fist, then a few less talons.

"Eight minutes..." Rainbow Dash nodded. Her nostrils flared with a winded sigh. "It's only been the sound of sentient explosions for eight minutes."

"Can we please find a way to silence her?!" Rarity shrieked, clutching her pony ears.

"Reckon there's only one way to make sure of that, sugarcube," Applejack said.

Rarity glared. "I'm open to any option."

"Seriously, though, this isn't good at all," Twilight said, grimacing. "We still don't know what we're in for out here. She could wake up Celestia-knows-what and send all of the Dark Side's populace after us!"

"Terrific..." Rainbow slurred.

"...because I am the Right Talon of Verlaxion! Chosen by the Goddess! By the Six Tribes I shall righteously slay you infidels!"

Flynn whistled. "She's said 'infidels'... like... eleven times."

"Aye..." Kepler nodded, blinking behind his spectacles. "And 'rrighteous' close to twenty-five."

"Who does that?" Flynn exhaled.

"I've got a better question," Logan belched. "Who allows it." Schiiing! He lifted the blade of his axe for emphasis while looking at Rainbow. "I'm tellin' ya, Rainbow... just one firm swing. Our ears—as well as Wildcard's muscles—will all be better off for it."

"The answer to that is the same now as it was at the Edge of the World, Big Show."

"But—"

"I don't like it any more than you do, but we are not killing her."

"Sooooooo..." Logan rubbed his aching head amidst the screaming. "...instead we're just killing ourselves slowly."

"Let it go, emo colt," Ariel said firmly. "Rainbow Dash said to spare Seraphimus' life and that's what we're doing."

"What life?!" Logan waved a meaty forelimb. "That's not a griffin! That's a bullhorn with tits!"

"She's the Austraeoh and what she says goes!"

"Oh, will you climb out her butt for one measely second?!" Logan frowned. "Being good, merciful, ethical horse-morons ain't gonna help us when Miss Screamgasm exposes us to the factions of the Trinary War with her radical uvulating!"

"It won't come to that!" Rainbow screamed—then winced from overcompensating for the bedlam. "Look—we've got a long way ahead of us before we run into anything—"

"We don't know that—"

"We've got a long way ahead!" Rainbow emphasized, frowning. "If there was something around that could hear 'Sirenphimus' then Fluttershy would be able to sense it first. And so far—she's sensed nothing nearby!" She turned to look at her ghostly companion. "Right, Fluttershy?"

"'Write?'" The wincing pegasus rubbed her ghostly ears. "'Write' what?!?"

"...into the gates of oblivion along with the infidels of the Seventh Tribe...!"

"Aaaaaaaand twelve," Flynn muttered out the side of his muzzle.

"Ha-Hah! She's on a rroll!"

"Okay... fine..." Rainbow trotted firmly towards the sled. "Maybe if I just let her get it all out of her system—"

With a shrill whistle, Wildcard blocked the petite pegasus' path.

"Get it out of her system?!" Logan cackled. "If she deflated anymore from yelling, we could use her as a throw rug!"

"Your desire to spare her life is a noble thing, Rainbow," Flynn said, nodding. "But... if you speak to her—face to face—while she's in this state..." He winced. "...then who knows how far gone Seraphimus will be. She'd probably be better off dead."

"Works in my book!" Logan said with a grin.

"No no no!" Rainbow gnashed her teeth. "We are not going to let her just roll over and die! The murder ended back in the land of Verlax!"

"Hah!" Logan's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure of that?"

"Rainbow—" Twilight began.

"Yes!" Rainbow huffed. "I am!" She knocked Wildcard's talon away, turned around, and headed straight towards the bent horizon. "If you insist—I won't talk to her. But we can't stop right here and hang around as if this is some sort of crazy griffin heavy metal concert! We gotta keep moving!"

"And... and..." Ariel shivered from head to tail. "Endure all of... that?"

Kepler added, "It would be considerrably morre bearrable if herr vitrriolic phrrases carried a morre rrobust vocabularry..."

"Grin and bear it..."

"But—" Flynn began.

"I said grin and bear it!" Rainbow hollered over her shoulder, beyond peeved. "You're the Herald! You've thrown yourself at wendigoes and sarosians for my sake! Surely a brief tune-in to 'Lost Marbles FM' won't murder you!" With a grunting sigh, she pressed onward... pointing with her wingtips. "Now come one! Up ahead, the plateau dips into a canyon. And—if the slab is of any indication—that's where we're going to find Darkreach!"

Wildcard sighed. Reluctantly, he shuffled back to the source of the screams and re-hitched himself to the vibrating sled.

"This..." Flynn rubbed his bald skull as he marched after Rainbow. "...is going to leave a mark on my cerebellum."

"Oh hush," Rainbow spat, frowning ahead. "This may be the Dark Side, but we're still creatures that need to breathe oxygen. Just give it an hour. She has to pass out at some point or another..."


An hour later...

"...rip every sinew of flesh out from underneath your putrid skin for every foal of Verlaxion freezing to death for your holocaustal sacriledge—!!!" the air echoed with the griffin's bellicose lungs.

Logan glanced aside under the sheen of twilight. "I told you so—"

"Stuff it!" Rainbow snarled.