The Jerk
Chapter 1
I walked down the beaten path with my follower and friend Fawkes by my side. I took that moment before we entered Megaton to tell a terrible joke.
"So Fawkes, what's green, tall, ugly as hell, and my best friend?" I said
"Is that supposed to be a joke?" he said with a cocked eyebrow.
"It was supposed to be, but it didn't work out that well. I just don't know what went wrong!" Fawkes seemed bemused by my trademark catchphrase, complete with sarcasm! I took a moment to browse Crazy Wolfgang's wares before I entered the shitty town, purchased a couple stimpacks, and went on my way. I immediately took a left over a pipe to cut towards my house, walked inside and fell down to take a nap.
I awoke exactly when I wanted due to my Pip-boys alarm clock. I walked down the stairs and helped myself to a squirrel on a stick, and waited for Fawkes to wake up. He came down the stairs a few minutes later, and we proceeded outside for our daily sparring session. The first time I had done this, the townsfolk thought I was actually fighting Fawkes and they decided to 'help' me out. Needless to say Fawkes and I had a couple of extra holes, due to their poor aim. I cleared things up with the sheriff, Lucas Sims, and we now sparred every morning to keep in top physical shape.
A few residents had gathered around and were placing bets on who would win today and most fell on me, considering I won the last two matches. I backed to my corner of the 'ring', and I took a crouching position. Fawkes took a different stance than he usually did, and I knew that I had to be on my guard. We circled each other for 5 minutes waiting for the other to make a move when one of the residents watching our fight decided to 'motivate' us.
"Get fighting you dumb bitches!" he shouted, and I turned to look at him in annoyance. I instantly realized my mistake and I quickly turned around to see Fawkes charging me. I immediately crouched, grabbed his legs, and threw him over my shoulder. He hit the ground with a grunt, and he swiped my legs out from under me. Before I could recover, he decided to do an old wrestling move on me. I only knew about it from an old book on hand to hand fighting I found a while ago. He hopped onto the guard rail and jumped down bringing his elbow down onto my stomach. Surprisingly, my head jumped forward from reflex and I headbutted hit temple. He howled and fell over clutching his head.
I got up, and quickly grabbed him in a headlock to try to choke him out. It didn't work. Before I could pull my arm tight around his windpipe he grabbed and it and, using his superhuman strength flung me against the wall of my cabin leaving a sizable dent. He rushed over quickly while I was incapacitated and placed his foot on my neck.
"I win friend." he said with a smug look.
"Yes you do. Now help me up you asshole." Without hesitation he reached down and I grabbed his hand. He hauled me up, and I looked at the crowd that had gathered around gaping at my cabin.
"You got a problem assholes?" I said as I turned around and noticed that the dent had several pieces of shrapnel, and a sizable tear that was just large enough to see into the house. As I the adrenaline wore off, I felt an immense stinging sensation in my back.
"Gahh! GOOD GOD! Oh that hurts! Fawkes hand me a stimpack." I grabbed it out of his hand and jabbed it into my veins. I felt relief from the pain as the wounds slowly healed. I stared at the crowd that was still staring at me, probably wondering how I was still on my feet.
"Hey, assholes! EARTH TO ASSHOLES! Stop starting at me like I'm a goddamned supermodel and get lost!" I said in my sarcastic voice. They grumbled at me, and wandered off. They know I loved them, but it was getting goddamned old. I decided to check out Craterside Supply and see if Moria needed more help on her book. I had started helping her on it when I first left the Vault, and I had left halfway through to find my dad. Bastard had just walked out of the Vault without even leaving a note! Kinda made me feel bad when he died to save me. But the past was the past, and I couldn't dwell on it.
I entered the store and a very vibrant Moria immediately started talking to me.
"Oh hey! It's been awhile. Hey you should finish helping me with the book." she said in her vibrant voice.
"You know me, always working to help some weird asshole!" I said. The first time I met her my 'way of speech' had caught her off guard. She thought I was serious and I had to cheer her up. Good god, she was so depressed I wanted to cut my head off in guilt. Literally! That's how bad I felt. I don't want to make people feel bad or anything. I'm a jerk not a bastard.
"Oh you!" she said, now knowing I wasn't serious.
"So what's next on the list?"
"Well, it's actually the last thing here. I need you to go to the old Robco factory and install this widget that I got from a traveling trader. With it, the place should power up and we could study Pre-war tech!"
"That's it? There isn't a catch were I have to seriously injure myself? No radiation?"
"Nope, just the widget." she said oblivious to my sarcasm. I gripped her in a hug.
"I LOVE YOU!" I said with exaggeration in my voice. At least she noticed that.
"I know dearie! Now get going!" With that Fawkes and I left the store and headed in the direction that was the factory. I checked my map to see how far away it was, and it was one helluva walk.
"GODDAMMIT MORIA!" I yelled into the air.
"What is wrong friend?" Asked Fawkes, wondering what had me worked up.
"It's a whole goddamned days walk to the factory." Fawkes seemed upset too and he let out a dissatisfied grunt to voice it. I turned on the radio and listened to Three Dog rant about 'The Good Fight' on GNR. Eventually, I decided that getting drunk would help the walk go faster. My most favorite song ever began playing. As we walked, I began singing off-key with the singer.
"I don't want to shet the world on fireeeeee! I just want to shtart a flame in your hearrrtttt!" You get the picture. Eventually I fell over from being too drunk and I passed out. Fawkes had decided to pick me up and carry me there. Bless his soul. I was rudely slapped awake and I felt like my head had been smashed by Fawkes repeatedly on a wall. I looked up and saw several skull shaped indentation on the wall. I changed my mind, I hope Fawkes burns in the pits of hell.
I groggily got up and looked around. We were outside the entrance to the factory, and Fawkes was standing over me. I shrugged and walked in. Inside there were several decrepit rusting robots along with a fuckton of radroaches. I calmly went through and stomped each bug on the back and their guts went flying out their heads. We approached a large machine with a terminal sticking out of it and I noticed a hole that was the same size as the widget. I plugged it in, and the screen glowed with life.
I expertly hacked it and found a few files labeled the following.
Basic Operation
Pest Extermination
Total Liquidation
Stress Testing
Project: Dimensions
I tried the first and it came up with *Error*. Skipping it I passed Pest Extermination already knowing its function. I selected Total Liquidation and a message came up.
Total Liquidation has ceased
Thank god for that. I was not in the mood for punching robots all day. I clicked Stress Testing and another entry followed.
*Error*
I shrugged and scrolled down to Project: Dimensions.'Weird name for a project, but whatever.' I clicked it and and something creepy happened.
Now engaging Project: Dimensions
I head a zapping and when I turned around there was a swirling rainbow colored...wall wasn't quite the right word. It felt different than that. I approached it, and cautiously touched it. I instantly began feeling a strong tug on my hand that caught me off guard. As a result it now had my hand, and its pull kept getting stronger. Fawkes realized what was happening and grabbed me and tried to pull back but to no avail. After 5 minutes of struggling my arm was now totally encase in the...thing.
"Goddamn it! LET ME GO YOU GODDAMNED WALL!" I yelled as it slowly sucked me in. Part of the thing touched Fawkes hand and it began pulling him in too.
"My friend, we must let go. We cannot win." he said, using his philosophical voice.
"You know I hate it when you are right, right?" I said mustering a small smile.
"I know friend." he said returning my smile.
"Goodbye man. I always thought of you as the best friend a guy could have."
"You too." and we let go.
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I awoke in some kind of swamp. With water and everything! I KNOW RIGHT! Anyways, I scrambled out, fearing that it was irradiated but my Pip-Boy wasn't ticking. Cautiously I touched the water, and right-o. It wasn't irradiated. This was getting weirder by the second and I got up only to be greeted by pain hammering my every nerve. Normally my pain tolerance is pretty high, but there was pain EVERYWHERE. I fell over and blacked out.
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Fawkes awoke in a small hut with a fireplace. Lucky Bastard. He got up only to be greeted by the pain that had attacked me. He was made of tougher stuff though and eventually he powered through it. What he saw next, I couldn't believe. I thought he was bullshitting me. He was starting at several technicolor horses.