//------------------------------// // A Royal Problem // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// I squatted beside the train tracks, studying the twisted metal rails and ruined ties.  The damage had apparently happened overnight.  I put my ear to the ground for a moment and listened. “What do you think happened here?” said Twilight. “Something big came through here,” I said.  I pointed off down the line where the rails stretched into the distance.  “It went that way.” “How can you tell?” she asked. “It was a train.”  I looked at her.  It was a flat look.  I didn’t put any trollface in to anger her.  It was designed to make her feel stupid for asking a stupid question. Her jaw clenched and she twitched.  She was ready for me to be a troll, but had to do a quick emotional one-eighty.  While I admit that I thought it was funny to see her struggle, it was still overall part of my effort to be a nice guy.   Yeah, making someone feel stupid instead of angry is not really a huge step up.  Still, some progress is still progress. Twilight shook her head, took a deep breath, and tried again.  “No, I mean, what tore up the tracks like this?” I shrugged.  “Doesn’t look mechanical or magical.  Something or someone strong.  Very strong.” I had a strong, forgive the pun, suspicion who. The phantom lifter was giving me fits.  I was pretty sure they were the same person as the serial killer, because who else could hack, roid, and murder like that?  I couldn’t think of a single pony that was so multitalented.  Because of cutie mark specialization, ponies were usually, well, one trick ponies. I saw Shaq on the outskirts of the crowd.  Well, he wasn’t in costume so I guess I should call him Filthy Rich.  He was appraising the situation from the sidelines, probably trying to gain the same clues I had. On the clue front, I was mostly lacking.  Fortunately, the satellite we’d tasked to monitor the Jimmy Buffett concert had caught some mysterious, bulky mass swimming under the water to the stage shortly before Jimmy was found dead.  It could have been anything, but my instincts told me it was the killer. Unfortunately, that wasn’t much to go on.  They were bulky.  They could swim.  That was about it.  Shit. Without much left to go on, I tracked down Bulk Biceps.  I found him at his masseuse job at the spa.  He was working on somebody when I came in. “Hey.” “Yeah?” “I’m looking for somebody.  They lift.” His eyebrows went up with interest.  “Who’re you looking for?” “I don’t know.  They lifted some stuff over at my place the other day.” “Your place…?” his eyes suddenly took on a nervous look.  The pony he was working on sucked in a sudden breath as Bulk’s hoof came down a little hard. “Yeah.  Do you know anything about that?” I asked. He shook his head.  “Nope.  I don’t go near…that crowd.” “What crowd?” “The roid ragers.” So my suspicions had been correct.  “But then how did you know they were at my place?” “I know my lifts.  I sensed her presence.” “Her?” He nodded.  “Pretty sure.  Don’t know who, though.” Well now, this had just taken an interesting turn. “Take care of yourself,” I said.  “This might be the same person as the serial killer that’s been going around.” His customer squeaked again. Before bones started breaking I left the spa. Burdened with a couple of new facts but still no leads, I stood outside and looked up at the sky, turning my collar against the weather.  I almost wished I smoked, because this would have been a good time for it.  Contemplative, introspective. The noir moment was ruined by an explosion. Not a big explosion, surprisingly.  Kind of muffled, really.  I looked around for the source. I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, do we have a time-of-arrival echolocation on that?” “South of town,” she replied. I headed in that direction.  I was surprised to find Pinkie, playing with dynamite.  Not for any reason, like making holes or destroying things, just playing with it. Who the hell gave Pinkie dynamite? “Hey, what’s up, Valiant?” she asked as I got close.  Not too close. “I was just enjoying a noir moment and you interrupted it.” “Noir, like a detective?” I considered it.  “Yeah, actually.  I’d like to think so, anyway.” “I’d totally like to be a detective,” said Pinkie.  She put on a fedora and wiggled her eyebrows.  “I’d be a private eye for the public thigh.” Who the hell gave Pinkie dynamite? She seemed content to stay there and not actually go into Ponyville, so I left.  I ran into Maud on the way, who was apparently coming to help Pinkie with something.  Being that Maud was into rocks, I figured that explained the dynamite. Speaking of rocks, I asked, “Hey, have you found that thing we talked about?” “You mean the stone that would let you rule all of Equestria if you wanted to?” “Yeah, that.” “No, not yet.” It was kind of important that she found it.  But she knew that. I went back to Ponyville.  My place was dark and quiet when I arrived, but I swept it to check for lurking serial killers, just in case. All I found was Wachowski, sitting in the dark and quiet and looking at computer screens, the scrolling data reflected on her glasses. I realized that for the first time in a while, I was alone.  Trixie was off with Daring somewhere.  Sunset was still gone.  Wachowski, though she was squatting at my place, didn’t really count for company. “So did you finish auditing my naughty/nice list?” I asked her.  “At this point, I just want that shit done with.” “You aren’t making it easy,” she shot back. “That doesn’t answer my question.  Seriously, just because you wrote a critically acclaimed screenplay you think you can be Santa’s bitch secretary.” “Wrote and directed!” “Touched a nerve, have I?  Are you just mad that I’m getting shit done here in Equestria, getting a whole new universe labeled naughty/nice for Santa, and he sent you here to learn from me?” Her eyes opened wide and her cheeks went pink.  “How did you know that?!  I never told you that was why I was here!” “Because I was the one who suggested it in a letter to Santa,” I explained.  “Because I thought you could use some experience getting out of the office once in a while.” “Experience?  Learning from you?” she snapped.  “What have you ever done?” I gave her a hard look.  “We live in a world that has magical freaking ponies.  And they have to go through life with scary evil monsters everywhere.  Who’s going to fight for them?  You? “I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.  You weep because minor things annoy you and you curse my abrasive methods.  You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the things I do, while you consider them trolling, probably save lives.  And my existence in Equestria, while unstable and incomprehensible to most people, stops the whole damn place from falling apart. “You don't want to think I’m doing good work.  Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at Santa’s staff meetings, you want me to enforce my own brand of justice. You need me to enforce my own brand of justice. “I use words like badass, tactical, and democracy.  I use these words as the backbone to a life spent molding and running this world in the way I see fit.  You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my methods to someone like you who moans and complains under the blanket of the very awesome things I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. “I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a gun and help me out.” She stared at me.  “I can’t believe you ripped that entirely from A Few Good Men.” “You’re goddamned right I did.” I left.  I mean, why wouldn’t I?  That was a perfect high note to go out on. Outside, I called up Tin Mare.  I had a plan in mind, a contingency for later, and needed Rarity’s help. Through the terminal I’d installed at the beach, I said to Rarity, “I’d like you to hold something for me.” “What is it?” she asked. “A Trident.” “If that’s all.” It was.  I loaded it up in Tin Mare and she flew it out there. Meanwhile, I caught the train to Canterlot. It was the mobile farmers’ market train.  There weren’t any seats, so I rode with the produce.  I’d noticed that they’d started to sell more and more grapes. You had to be really careful not to mash any, but a trainload of grapes are a pretty comfortable place to lie down for a while and watch the clouds go by.  And if you did mash some - hey, free unfermented wine. I needed the time to think anyway.  I was going to Canterlot with a mission.  I didn’t know why Sunset hadn’t come home after she’d been proven innocent, but it was time to find out. When I got to Canterlot, I waltzed into the palace because that was a thing that I could do.  All the Royal Guards knew me, and crossed me at their peril.  It’s good being a known badass. I headed for the throne room, where Celestia probably was at this time of day.  She usually held court in the early morning. However, when I opened the door, it surprised the heck out of me to see Sunset wearing the crown and sitting on the throne. She saw me come in and announced, “Court is out for the day.” Some ponies muttered under their breaths, but none challenged her.  As they filed out of the room, I went over to the throne. “What the shit, Sunset?  You take over the country and don’t even tell me?” “It’s...not quite that simple,” she said.  She came down and gestured in the direction of the royal kitchen.  “Are you hungry?  This will take a while.” “Do you have cake?” “It’s the royal kitchen.” Hell yes. As we walked, we talked.  Sunset said, “So when Twilight brought me here, Celestia said she would handle me and Twilight left.  As soon as Twilight was gone, Celestia let me go.  She said it was hilarious that Twilight thought she could arrest me for murder.” “But you just let Twilight do it.” Sunset nodded.  “I wanted to get into the royal dungeons.  I had a suspicion that I might find someone who knew a little about what was going on around Equestria.” “Did you?” She sighed.  “No.  But because I didn’t get the chance to look.  As soon as Celestia let me go, she immediately gave me a proposal.  She wanted me to take her place.” I frowned.  “That doesn’t make any sense.  She trolled the shit out of me and Columbia to hang on to her position.  Why give it up now?” “I don’t think she’s exactly given it up,” said Sunset.  “She didn’t say when she would be back, but I got the impression that this was a temporary job.” “She’s gone?  Where?” Sunset shrugged.  “Anyway, I’ve been doing Celestia’s job for a couple weeks now.  Equestria does need taken care of.  Plus, I want to make Celestia look bad by doing her job better than her.” I nodded.  I could support that. Luna walked by.  “Good morning, Celestia.”  She smiled. “What’s the deal?” I asked Sunset when Luna was out of sight.  “Don’t they notice you aren’t Celestia?” “Of course they’ve noticed.” she said.  “But you know how ponies are.  They’re too awkward to just ask a simple question and get a simple answer, and instead are just assuming I’m actually the Princess but with a different look and have created a contrived situation where there shouldn’t be one and they’ll be all shocked and disappointed and angry when they find out the truth.” I nodded.  Sounded about right for ponies.  “But why did Celestia pick you?  If she didn’t want me in charge, why go out of her way to appoint you?” “I don’t know,” said Sunset.  “I mean, my cutie mark is the sun.  At the same time, though, I felt like she was waiting to leave and only needed just the right moment.  Like if Twilight had shown up with anypony, she would have done the same thing.” I thought hard about that for several seconds.  “Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Cracker around Ponyville, either.  Celestia - and her alter ego - disappeared apparently on a whim.  The timing doesn’t seem to match anything I can think of.  She might have been waiting specifically for you, or maybe for anyone…you don’t think she had you framed just so Twilight would bring you here?” It was a long shot, but the more I thought about it the more horrifying sense it made.  Celestia needed someone smart and hardworking to take over while she was gone.  Who had Celestia tried to frame before Sunset?  Maud. Now that would have been a hilarious turn of events, Maud filling in for Celestia.  I forced myself to focus, however.  Did this mean Celestia was the serial killer? I considered it, I honestly considered it.  However, the MO didn’t make sense.  Celestia would already know complex runes and wouldn’t need to repeatedly kill ponies to practice cutting them into the victims’ bodies early on.  It also just didn’t feel like her style.  She was Princess; if she wanted to kill ponies, she’d just do it in the street. But then, who was the serial killer? I was still thinking when we arrived in the kitchen.  Sunset broke off.  “I’ve got to make breakfast for Luna.  That was something Celestia left me to do.” She made cake, though, because she was filling in for Celestia and doing it better than the real Celestia.  Awesome.  Awesome to the max. Luna came in and gave Sunset a friendly nuzzle before sitting down in front of her serving.  “I don’t know what’s changed recently, Celestia, but this is the most affection either of us has shown the other in years.” Sunset and I traded a glance.  She shrugged. A royal scribe came in and walked over to Sunset.  “Princess Celestia, a delegation will arrive soon with concerns about timberwolves in Whitetail Woods.” Sunset discreetly tapped her earpiece and whispered, “Tin Mare, get rid of the timberwolves in Whitetail Woods.” “I don’t know how I feel about you using private assets for government work,” I said. She waved a hoof at the scribe.  “Issue a privateer license in the name of ‘Tin Mare.’” I was okay with that. Luna finished her breakfast and sighed contentedly.  “Sister, I can’t believe we used to fight.  I know, it was a thousand years ago and we’ve reconciled since then, but it’s moments like this that make me wonder why there was ever a conflict.” Sunset shot me a pleading glance.  Yeah, sure must be awkward having a heart to heart with somebody else’s sister. So I jumped in.  “What’s the deal with the coming back from banishment, anyway?” I asked.  “When you were gone, there were apparently no problems Celestia couldn’t handle herself.  Since you came back, it seems like there’s been one crisis after another that me and the Elements of Harmony had to solve.” Luna nodded.  “I have a theory.  Since I returned, there have been no more nightmares, for I moderate dreams of my ponies and keep them sleeping peacefully.  However, better sleep means they don’t have to stay in bed as long, and are more rested when they get up.  This gives them much more time and energy for activities.  It’s simply statistics that some of those activities consist of plotting evil.” That was...well, a theory.  Luna’s return equals better sleep which equals more time for shenanigans?  Talk about unintended consequences.  I didn’t think it was the full explanation, though I didn’t care that much. “So...why not not moderate sleep?” I asked. “It’s what I do,” said Luna.  “Could you not be you?” She had a point. We cleaned up after the cake and Luna left.  Sunset got up to walk back to the throne room.  I went with her.  On the way, we passed by a small music box sitting on the table.  For some reason, Twilight was the ballerina dancing in the center. “It’s an easy spell,” she explained.  “But there’s no time to explain!  Valiant, I need you back in Ponyville right now!” I gestured to Sunset.  “I’m kind of busy right now.” “I’m sorry, Princess, but it’s really important that I see Valiant,” said Twilight.  “There’s been another murder.” “It’s no problem,” said Sunset.  She smiled at me.  “He can go.” That seemed to satisfy Twilight.  Sunset and I turned away.  “I’ll call Tin Mare,” I said.  I paused, and added, “You know, I could really use you back.” She looked at me.  “I think me leaving this position would cause more trouble than anything else.  You know how ponies are.” I paused to consider.  “You know, I think I know who we can get to fill in.” “Fill in for me filling in?” she said. “Right.”  I patched through the comms networks to get a call out.  “Hey Maud, do you want to take over Princess Celestia’s job?” “No,” she said. “Too bad.  You’re the new Princess Celestia.” “If I have to.” I knew she’d be perfect for the job.  Sunset, however, frowned.  “How’s she going to raise the sun?  She’s an earth pony.” “Does it matter?  If nothing else, she’d get Luna to do it while she takes over the moon.  If any earth pony can move a heavenly body, I’m sure Maud could handle the moon.” Sunset nodded in agreement.  A thought occurred to her.  “Oh, before I was arrested, how did you like the concert I organized with Bruce Springsteen?” “Well, I thought it went pretty well.”  I smiled.  “How would you like to plan another one?”