//------------------------------// // Jon's Fashion Tastes // Story: Jon Lajoie in Ponyville // by Kirb //------------------------------// EDIT: Okay, I know this chapter's pretty much ruined since the pictures of Jon Lajoie have been removed. Fear not, I will replace them... and maybe monkeys will fly out my ass. Jon Lajoie in Ponyville by Kirb Hysteria Chapter Two Jon's Fashion Tastes Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth in the middle of the street. "Ugh," said Twilight. "This is bad. This is really bad. A royal guest of honor sent by Princess Celestia will be arriving soon, but we have this guy here to ruin it. Oh no. Oh no." Twilight imagined in her mind the site of a royal, Pegasus-drawn carriage pulling in, only to find Jon Lajoie making fun of women and swearing profusely. She shuddered at the idea. "What's this I hear about a royal guest of honor sent by Princess Celestia?" said a voice behind her. Twilight turned around to see Rarity. "Oh, hi Rarity," said Twilight. "I received a letter from Princess Celestia saying that one of her royal guests of honor will be arriving shortly." "Oh my!" said Rarity. "I must get myself prepared to meet him or her!" "But there's one obstacle," said Twilight. "What is it, darling?" asked Rarity. "Well, you see, there's this monster who has entered the town, he thinks he is better than everypony else, believes that mares are only good for sex, and is extremely vulgar and crude. And we can't have Celestia's royal subject coming to the town with... ugh... him." "Oh no, this will not do, this just won't do." "Guys!" interrupted Rainbow Dash. "I gotta go, I have to practice some more flying tricks. See ya." The Pegasus flew off, leaving the two unicorns (and one dragon) alone to discuss how to get rid of their problem, by which I mean Jon, of course. "So how do you think we're going to get rid of this monster?" asked Rarity. "I don't know," said Twilight. "We'll have to get somepony to banish him from the town." "Hey," said a voice. Both unicorns turned their heads to the direction of the voice, and who should be standing there but Jon Lajoie. "You can't spell banishment without..." The human glared at them over his sunglasses. "...vagina." Twilight facehoofed. "Um, yeah you can!" said Spike. "That's racist!" replied Jon. "Rarity," said Twilight, "meet Jon Lajoie, or, as he likes to be called, MC... ugh... Vagina." Rarity glanced up at the human. "Oh my!" said Rarity. "Your clothing is just... marvelous!" "Really?" said Jon. "Oh, yes!" said Rarity. "I simply must make a version for ponies!" "Rarity!" whispered Twilight. "You're getting side-tracked easily!" "Cool," said Jon. "Are you a fashion designer? Because I have some ideas for the future of pony fashion that I want to show you!" "Oh yes!" said Rarity. "Tell me more!" The man and pony walked towards Rarity's house. Twilight facehoofed again. "That kinda backfired on you, eh Twilight?" said Spike matter-of-factly. Upon arrival at the Carousel Boutique, Rarity was eager to find out Jon's fashion tastes. "So, Mister... uh, Lajoie, is it?" she asked. "You can call me Jon," he said, "or MC..." "Yes, yes, I know," said Rarity. "So, Jon, um... that's a rather weird name." "I think Rarity is a weird name," said Jon. "Not to offend or anything." "Oh, it's no problem," said Rarity, though what Jon had said did offend her. "So tell me, Jon, what are your visions for the future of pony fashion that you would like to show me?" "Check this out," said Jon. He opened up his bag that he had carried in to reveal it was filled with clothing items. "Oh my, whatever is this?" asked Rarity. "Well," said Jon, "let's assume you're a male pony. A stallion. And you are fed up with looking like a regular, law-abiding citizen. You need to add a little 'bad boy' to your style. A little bit of 'dangerous.'" "Continue," said Rarity. She liked where this was going so far. Jon reached into his bag and pulled something out, then turned around and lifted it to his face. "Try..." he said, then turning around and revealing he was now wearing glasses, "Rapist Glasses!" Rarity was a bit shocked by this, to say the least. "They make the everyday man look like a sexual predator!" continued Jon. "Ladies love the 'bad boy' look, and you can't get much worse than a rapist! And remember, you don't have to be a rapist to want to look like one." He took off his glasses. "So, Rarity, what do you think?" "Um, well, that's..." Rarity was looking for the right word. "...interesting, but I don't think they will sell very much. So, what else do you have?" "This next one," said Jon, "will require this picture." He pulled out a picture of him with a thick, scraggly-looking beard. "Introducing... Pedophile Beards!" Rarity gasped. "They give men that creepy sex face that women just can't resist!" said Jon. "Stop going unnoticed with your boring, 'nice guy' look and start scaring the shit out of people! Now when you walk down the street, people will back away and whisper, 'Watch out, that guy's a pedophile.'" Jon pulled out another picture of him with a Pedophile Beard, but in this one he was also wearing Rapist Glasses. "Pedophile Beards can be worn on their own, or they can be combined with our Rapist Glasses to give you that 'rapist pedophile' look that you've always wanted!" "I haven't always wanted it," whispered Rarity under her breath. "And check out some of my other products like..." He pulled a trench coat and a hat out of his bag. "...the Public Masturbator Trench Coat! And the 'There's Got to be Something Wrong With That Guy' Hat! These products are sure to put the 'sex' back into 'convicted sex criminal!'" He turned to Rarity again. "So, what do you think?" About a total of ten seconds and fifty-five milliseconds afterwards, Jon found himself, his bag, his clothing and his pictures lying out in the street. "And don't come back!" yelled Rarity. "You are an insult to fashion designers everywhere! You call that the future of pony fashion?" "Yes, I do!" replied Jon. "Pony fashion in a dark, dismal future where raping, pedophilia and public masturbation are common!" "Ugh!" Rarity screamed as she slammed the door in Jon's face. "What a bitch," Jon said as he picked himself up. Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including: WTF Collective 2 WTF Collective 3 I Kill People WTF Collective Rapist Glasses Pedophile Beards If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.