Discord hummed, flicking his freshly created character sheet. “What to pick, what to pick?”
It was guy’s night tonight and the last half an hour had been spent creating a new character for Discord. His previous, Captain Wuzz, had met a rather grizzly fate and since they were stallions playing with stallion rules, perma-death applied.
Spike groaned. “We already know what you’re going to pick. You’re the god of chaos. Just pick a chaotic alignment.”
Discord peered over the edge of his card. “Now, now, we both know this decision isn’t that clear cut. By picking another chaotic character I’m establishing a precedent. I can’t be predictable. That goes against everything I am. However, I can’t stomach the idea of playing a lawful character. So many rules and moral codes.”
“Well, how about neutral?” Big Mac asked.
Discord waved a dismissive talon. “Please, that’s a compromise and the worst of both worlds.” A few more painstakingly inactive moments passed. “Fine, I guess I’ll try lawful good. If I don’t like it I’m sure I can find an honourable way to throw my character to the hounds.”
Spike sighed in relief. “Everypony ready to start?”
Both Big Mac and Discord nodded.
Spike smiled and clapped his talons together. “Your party arrives within the Serene Republic, having crossed the vast sea from their previous adventure. The reputation you have built as adventurers precedes you as an ornate procession is waiting at the harbour. As you leave the ship trumpeters blare their horns and a stallion adorned in vibrant robes approaches. ‘Hello adventurers, my name is Regal Robes and I am the doge of this fair city.’”
Discord smiled. “I shoot him in the chest with my crossbow.”
Spike coughed. “Wait, what? You just met the guy.”
“And that is neither good nor lawful,” Big Mac said.
“Sure, it is.”
“Tell me how shooting a government official is either of those things.”
“Easy. He clearly likes to spend his people’s tax dollars on frivolous greetings for random adventurers who happen to bumble into his town. By killing him and installing a new leader we can assure a more altruistic policy towards the poor and disenfranchised. Also, in my personal experience anyone who claims to rule a Serene Republic is a traitorous backstabbing scoundrel who needs to be brought to justice. I am simply doing my civic duty.”
Spike sighed loudly, rubbing the bridge of his snout. “Roll for dexterity.”
Discord scooped up the die and wound up to roll only to smack his hand against a hoe hanging off of the wall. He yelped and dropped the die onto the floor, where it bounced and rolled under a nearby barrel.
Tonight’s session of Ogres and Oubliettes was being held within a cramped shed on the apple estate.
“Not that I mind the sudden change of plans but why exactly are we playing in this dinky little shed instead of your mother’s basement?” Discord asked.
Spike’s cheeks brighten and he looked away. “It’s…complicated.”
“How so?” Big Mac asked.
“Look I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we just get on with the game?”
Discord grinned. “Come on Spike what’s the matter? Give us the deets.”
Spike sighed. “If I do, do you promise to play the game?”
“Oh course.”
“Well, it all started last night.”
Spike walked through the halls of Twilight’s castle, heading towards her bedroom.
His sister had been hard at work the entire day and he hadn’t seen her leave the room once. This meant that any meal she received had come from a box and was of dubious quality. So, Spike decided to surprise her with a pot of her favourite tea and an array of nutritious and freshly made snacks. He brought the treat right into her room, pushing through the door without knocking. After all she was bound to be too tied up in her work to even answer.
“Hey Twilight.” He paused for a moment as he stared into her darkened room. “I brought you something to eat.”
His eyes widened as he realized that she was literally tied up doing something else. That something being the darkened silhouette of a unicorn.
He dropped his tray with a shattering crash.
The duo in bed paused and Twilight looked up in utter horror. “Spike, this isn’t what it looks like!”
Spike stumbled backwards, trying to figure out who the other figure was. However, he couldn’t get a good look before he was back in the hallway. At which point he turned tail and ran.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I should have knocked,” he cried.
Big Mac whistled. “Catching your sister in bed. That’s pretty rough.”
Spike buried his face into his claws and nodded. “Mhm.”
“Heck, I remember the first time I caught Applejack in bed with a stallion.”
Spike looked up. “Did you kick his butt?”
Big Mac snorted. “My sister is a grown mare and capable of making her own decisions.”
Discord smirked. “When did she give you that line?”
“After she kicked my ass.”
“And why did she do that?”
“Because I beat her coltfriend’s ass.”
Spike shook his head. “Do you guys want to hear the rest of the story?”
“There’s more?” Discord asked.
“We haven’t even got to the morning after.”
Spike sat at the dining room table, staring vacantly ahead as he ate his breakfast cereal. Not even the sweet and tangy taste of processed jade could distract him from the mental images of last night.
His attention was momentarily captured as the door to his right opened. Twilight walked in, levitating her own meal. She didn’t dare look her little brother in the eye. Her gaze was instead steadily affixed on the ground.
“Morning,” Spike mumbled.
“Morning,” Twilight mumbled back.
She sat down and took a bite of her toast. For a moment, the only sound was that of chewing.
“So…” Twilight said.
“So…” Spike replied.
“Do you want to talk about last night?”
“Would it make you feel better?”
“I think…I think it would.”
“Then I guess we can talk about last night.”
Twilight nodded. “Well, you see, I uh…I was…”
“Having sex?”
She blushed. “Yes, I guess you could say I was having sex.
“Yeah I kind of figured.”
She looked away and the silence began to re-establish itself. With the silence came tension and Spike rapidly attempted to bring this to a close.
“I’m sorry that I walked in without knocking,” he said.
“It’s ok. I should have probably been more transparent with you.”
She looked up and gave him a small smile. He repaid it in kind.
“So,” Spike began, “how was your evening with Starlight?”
“Starlight? I wasn’t with Starlight.”
“Wait, then who were you doing it with? It couldn’t be Trixie. Was it Moondancer? I know it was a unicorn. I saw their horn.”
Twilight swallowed hard and looked to the side. “Remember how I said I should have been more transparent with you?”
Spike paused for a moment. “You mean literally five seconds ago?”
Twilight nodded. “Well you see, I’ve actually kind of maybe been uh, dating Rarity for the past 3 months.”
Big Mac winced. “Ouch. Twilight’s dating Rarity?”
Spike focused on his hands, barely mustering a nod. “Mhm.”
“And she didn’t even hint at it?”
“Apparently the two of them have kept it on the down-low. They didn’t want things to be awkward with the girls.”
“And how exactly does this explain why we can’t use the castle for O & O tonight?” Discord asked.
“She wanted the castle to herself for date night. So, she asked me if I could have guy’s night at Mac’s.”
Discord was momentarily stunned. Though his expression rapidly deteriorated into a cruel sounding chuckle. “You’re a legend, Spike.”
Spike glared. “What’s that supposed to mean.”
“Not only are you a cuck, but you got cucked by your own sister.”
“What the hell is a cuck.”
Discord’s laughter abruptly stopped. “Wait you seriously don’t know what a cuck is?”
Spike shook his head. This only seemed to feed Discord’s ever growing mischievous grin.
“Oh, I’m so excited. I rarely get to do one of these,” Discord said.
He slithered into the air, coiling himself around Spike’s chair.
Spike recoiled. “Rarely get to do one of what?”
Discord looked Spike right in the eye. “Sing a song.”
He snapped his fingers and the trio found themselves seated within a theater. The curtains were closed and with the exception of themselves the place was completely abandoned. Yet, excited murmurs still filled the empty seats.
“Where are we?” Spike asked
Discord shushed him. “Shhhh. The shows about to start.”
The curtain was drawn, revealing a lone piano on stage. It was completely bathed by spotlights, setting the freshly polished wood to a sparkle. Then as if the instrument was suddenly aware of the attention, it began to play an upbeat tune.
Discord disappeared in a cloud of smoke, only to reappear on stage. He was wearing a grey stripped tweed jacket and a fine looking straw boater hat.
“Filles and gentlecolts, I’m so glad all of you could make my open mic night. Tonight’s song is dedicated to a dear friend of mine, who has hit a new low in their life.”
Spike groaned but couldn’t look away. Like he physically could not look away. Magic was literally being used to force him to stare at this train wreck.
Discord opened his mouth and began to sing.
Now you see young Spike this is how it works.
Nature’s a terrible place.
You may feel weak in the knowledge
that your service has been for naught.
But so, what if you’ve been denied true love.
Instead take comfort knowing that
it took a monarch to get your beloved’s heart.
How many stallions can claim the same?
However, Spike, you’re still a cuck.
A stallion who loses the mare,
loses them to someone stronger,
loses them to someone hotter.
Loses them to someone better in every way.
Many stallions are afflicted by this.
You may even know a few.
One is a prince from the north
whose wife’s guarded by larger men.
Another’s a baker in denial,
an earthpony without an earthbound heir.
However, in the end they are both cucks.
Stallions who lose the mare,
loses them to someone stronger,
loses them to someone hotter.
Loses them to someone better in everyway.
Don’t think that cuckolds are restricted to men.
There’s even been a mare or two.
For example, a monarch of day
who cast a lover in stone.
All of this because of a little confusion
over a vague definition of open.
Still in the end she was a cuck!
A mare who loses the stallion,
loses them to someone stronger,
loses them to someone hotter.
Loses them to someone better in everyway.
The tempo slowed back down as the song neared its end.
So, young Spike I’ll tell you this.
There are many fish in the sea.
All you must do is outshine the dimmest.
If you can do that then I assure.
That you’ll put the bull into bully.
Discord snapped his fingers, silencing the piano.
Spike found that the spell was over and immediately buried his face into his awaiting hands.
Big Mac patted him on the back. “Discord that was just an awful, awful, awful song.”
Discord snorted. “Yeah well at least you got one in the past year.”
“Wait, how did you…”
“I know everything.”
“Clearly you don’t”
“Oh yeah?”
“For example, Spike here isn’t a cuck. To be a cuck Spike would have actually had to be in a relationship with Rarity.”
Spike let out a muffled scream.