//------------------------------// // The King's Speech // Story: Unfortunately, I Am The King Of Equestria // by Sofa King Zill-E //------------------------------// The overall outlook of the situation seemed grim, to say the least. I don't mean mine. Mine was looking pretty bad, but it was manageable. What I meant was Equestria's overall situation. As I wiped blood from my eyes, nose and face, I struggled to stand. Yeah, it seems that trying to load all the info I needed into my noggin in one go was actually a spectacularly bad idea: I lost consciousness for a bit, and woke up bleeding from my eyes, nose, and mouth. I'm surprised I didn't die. But enough about my personal drama, I needed to get ready for the speech. With considerable effort, I stepped out of the throne room and called for one of the soldiers, to request a towel and some clean water. Twenty minutes ago it would have surprised me that the guard seemed completely unconcerned by the fact that I was bleeding like I had hemorrhagic fever. Now, after that unpleasantness I'd just experienced, I knew more about Sombra and his army than anyone should ever know. As I looked at the armored pony, I silently swore to myself that I'd do whatever I could to make things right. Simple self-preservation may have been one reason for not just releasing every one of Sombra's battle slaves immediately, but there were other reasons, as well: Removing those brain buckets is traumatic, especially since the ponies wearing them are still awake and aware, and have to live with everything those helmets made them do. Removing all those helmets at once would means thousands of traumatized ponies who needed counseling. There were about fifty psychiatrists in Equestria, tops. More to the point, the Crystal Empire, their home, had more or less been demolished in the process of preparing for Sombra's war, and Sombra, just to be a dick, had shattered a relic called the Crystal Heart, which was one of the few artifacts with enough power to defeat Sombra, and also had kept the frozen climate of the north from consuming the city. The Crystal Empire was gone, buried under mountains of snow by now: Release the battle slaves, and they'd be homeless, jobless, a drain on a nation's economy at a point in time when there was little enough left to spare. Some of the information I'd looked at had either not seemed important to Sombra, or he just hadn't cared about the fact that winter might kill up to twenty percent of the Equestrian population. The good news was that it was currently early spring. The bad news is that Equestrian years are one hundred days long, so I might end up having to spend Blueblood's assets on food, clothing, and housing, unless I could find an alternate source of cash within the next sixty-five days. That, or I'd have to postpone winter, but that was a dangerous proposition, given what info I'd stumbled upon while force-feeding myself data. Equestria may not have had naturally occurring seasons, but that didn't mean that the creatures here didn't behave like they did: Experiments regarding delaying, if not outright skipping, seasons had shown that it could easily wreck the entire ecology of the nation. Thus, winter, as inconvenient as it sometimes was, simply had to happen on schedulre, even if it might drastically reduce the population. Not having winter this year could easily result in losing fifty to seventy-five percent of the population next winter. Look, I know this stuff can seem dull, but it's important, okay? Logistics can be insanely boring, but a good politician is supposed to have a keen grasp of the subject, or else he'll accidentally make promises he can't keep... instead of intentionally making promises he won't keep, which is the norm. Luckily, I had a very good memory, and a very good head for figures. If your father put a cigarette out in your arm any time you made anything other than an A+ in school, starting from kindergarten, you would, too. Sorry, I said I'd leave off the personal drama for now. My bad. There were other problems, and it was taking time for me to correlate the new contents in my skull so I could recognize them all, and come up with solutions. However, just at a glance, I had a good idea of what I needed to start with. It was now four o'clock, Equestrian time, and it was time to give a speech. ` I was honestly impressed by the turnout. I thought that the numbers present at the Royal Entry were something, but this was absolutely incredible: Literally every pony in the city was here, and it is a pretty big city. Good thing I didn't have a fear of public speaking, or crowds, or I'd be terrified. As it was, I will admit to having been a bit unsettled, and the fact that I was still woozy from nearly explodinating my brain with an information overload wasn't helping. Still, soonest started, soonest finished. I cleared my throat, and began. "My fellow equines," I started, "I stand here before you today, not to boast, not to gloat, and not to beat my chest and bellow about how great I am, as many of you expect. Instead, I come before you to make an announcement, one I feel is long overdue." "Equestria is dying." There was a ripple in the crowd, the kind you can only get when a large number of individuals hear something they weren't sure they understood. Whatever speech they were expecting, this was not it. "I know many of you are probably assuming that this is my fault. I am sorry to disabuse you of that notion, but the truth of the matter is, this country has been dying for years, centuries even, but no one seems to have realized it. I, however, have seen the disease for what it is, and am prepared to treat it." "What disease afflicts Equestria, you wonder? Well, before I answer that question, let me ask you all a question: Has anything been invented recently that changed Equestrian civilization as you know it? Can anyone name even one thing invented in the last hundred years that had a serious impact on the nation as a whole? Raise a hoof if you have an answer, please." I briefly paused, and when no one in the crowd did, I added, "I'm serious. I want to hear it from you. Please, just take a guess." A pony raised a hoof, and then called out, "The railroad!" I chuckled, and called out, "Invented one thousand, four hundred, twenty-three years ago!" Seriously. There was a railroad that literally led to the Crystal Empire, and had remained there, regularly maintained, for the entire time the city was banished from space and time. Sombra even had his own personal train, which looked intimidating as fuck. The railroad in Equestria predated the railroads that existed on earth. The rail system, and even the steam engine, weren't new. It just wasn't used to its full potential. "Someone else, please!" Another pony raised his hoof, and then called out, "The Rainbow Factory?" "Invented three thousand, fifty-nine years ago, although it would not reach its current form until about one thousand, two hundred years ago," I called back as I got a little jolt from a data download into my brain. It still amazes me to this day that ponies literally manufactured their own rainbows (And in spite of some very ugly rumors, no, they're not made from ground up pegasus bones, thank you very much). Weird. Awesome, but weird. "Anyone else?" A very fat pony called out, "Easy Cheese?" I paused. Literally nothing came to mind on that one, so Sombra apparently didn't even know that cheese in a can was a thing. "Okay," I admitted, "That one's pretty recent, but even if you really like portable cheese, that's not really gonna count as something that changed society as a whole. Anyone else?" No one else had anything to offer. "And that, right there," I said, going back into my speech, "is the problem. Equestria is stagnating: There's been no new magical developments since the days of Starswirl the Bearded. Now, common knowledge tells you just that Starswirl invented spells 'over a thousand years ago'. However, no one seems to realize that 'over a thousand years ago' in this case actually means FIVE THOUSAND, EIGHT HUNDRED, THIRTY-NINE YEARS AGO!!!" That sudden shout was calculated to shock my audience, and it had the intended effect, right enough, and why not? The average pony didn't even realize that Equestria was more than a thousand years old. Much, much more. 'One thousand years ago' is mostly just a catch all phrase to cover all kinds of shit that went down in the past. Hell, the exact year that the first Hearthwarming happened is lost to the ages in modern day Equestria: At some point, it just turned into 'Pre-Celestia and Pre-Luna', which tells you jack shit about when it happened in relation to the modern day. "Over five thousand years ago, the last bit of creativity when it came to magic died with the passing of Starswirl the Bearded. Over a thousand years ago, your collective scientific creativity died. And no one seems to realize it. And no one seems to have realized just how bad something like that could be." "Don't believe me? Let me ask you, then: How else could a wizard from one thousand years ago have conquered your nation? My understanding of magic, technology, military tactics, more or less every aspect of society, should be woefully out of date. I should have been shut down in short order by weapons and spells you'd all spent a thousand years developing in preparation for my return. Instead, here I am, your king. That can only be because of the fact that, in a thousand years, NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED!! You are still struggling to deal with threats that you barely managed to subdue a thousand years ago, when you all should have found solutions to them well before their reappearance, especially since your ancestors sealed them away: Sealing things away doesn't make them cease to exist, it only makes it so that future generations have to clean up the mess you left for them." "The cancer that has afflicted Equestria all this time has a name. It is called Complacency. At some point in time, your ancestors decided that there was no new ground to cover, that there was nothing left to learn or discover. Everything was perfect, so there was no need to improve further. And they passed on that false sense of perfection to all of you, and you believed it, even when all around you was evidence to the contrary. You've all been asleep for the last thousand years or more, thinking that nothing was wrong with there being no real progress, while this affliction has slowly eaten your country alive from the inside. Now is the time for your wake-up call." "Back a thousand years ago, I'll admit that my intentions were selfish in conquering the Crystal Empire: I wanted to rule over Equestria for the sake of stoking my own ego, and that city was the first step. However, I was sealed away for a thousand years, which gave me plenty of time to reflect on my poor choices in the past. Were Equestria a different place, I might have simply walked away, and tried to start a new life elsewhere. However, when I broke free from my imprisonment, and saw the current state of the nation, I knew something had to be done. However, the only way to solve the problems facing this country was to take the reins of power away from those who were leading this country over a cliff, and change course before we all went past the point of no return. Equestria's well-deserved hatred of me would prevent anyone from paying heed to my warnings, so the only choice was to take the country by force, so that it could be saved." "You all hate me. Fine, feel free to do so: The fact that you're all powerless to do anything but glare daggers at me as I walk past only further illustrates my point. One thousand years ago, Celestia and Luna were the only ponies powerful enough to stop me. The only thing that has changed since then is the fact that Celestia has run herself so ragged that not even she could stop me now. But she should not have been required to do so. A better Equestria would have been able to say, 'Go home and take a nap, your highness. We've got this.' Instead, she had to play mother to a nation too set in its ways to change anything, even when it was clear that doing things the old fashioned way was killing your princess by inches." "I know of a dozen ways, at least, that I could have been stopped, none of which required the presence of Celestia on the battlefield. If anyone of you had shown a little ingenuity, a little initiative, a little imagination, I am certain you could have come up with dozens more. Instead, you've all relied upon the great mare in the sky to solve these problems. I'm sorry to say that, while Celestia is a strong pony, carrying an entire country on her shoulders is too much to ask, especially when she's been doing it for a thousand years and more." This was not hyperbole: I can give you one example, right off the top of my head, of how Sombra could have effortlessly been defeated. In the sporting event, the Equestrian Games, ponies use an anti-magic field powerful enough to block even alicorn magic to prevent cheating. If a trap had been set up with that anti-magic field, during one of the battles against King Sombra, then all it would take is maybe half a dozen earth ponies to run in and stomp the ever-loving shit out of the dreaded tyrant once his magic was gone, and the nation would have been saved. Hell, the changelings have a throne made of a mineral that provides a similar effect, making it impossible for anyone other than a changeling to use magic. It can allegedly block even Discord's magic. It can even block the effects of spells cast outside of its effect and then brought in. If such a mineral exists, why not just dig some up, take a big chunk of it to the site of the Crystal Empire and use it to negate the 'Banished From Space And Time' spell that Sombra used, rather than having it be lost for a thousand years? Or maybe make arrowheads of it, and use it as a kind of 'Mage Killer' weapon, for any time a powerful magic user gets too uppity, and tries to conquer the world: I mean, just knowing that all it would take is one shot from a sniper and you're no longer a reality warping demigod would make even Discord stop and reconsider messing with Equestria. Or, instead of trying to overpower Sombra in a fight, why not teleport his head off of his body? Or teleport him into an active volcano? Or to the bottom of the ocean? Or transmute the oxygen in the air around him into a poisonous gas? Or into molten lead? Or use a Come To Life spell to animate his cloak, and have it strangle him to death? Or use a Want It, Need It spell or a love poison to make him fall in love the princesses, and make him their obedient servant? These are just a few potential examples, off the top of my head. I'm sure there's a million more creative ways to stop Sombra. Seriously. Equestria has so much amazing shit at its disposal! It's just that no one has ever had the imagination to use it properly! Still, the mention of Celestia had perked up a number of ears. I smiled, and continued, stating, "Celestia, I am certain you'll be happy to hear, is alive and well. She's resting, and in a couple of days, she'll be up and about, I'm told. At that time, we'll begin working out what her role will be in the ruling of Equestria. While she will no longer be in charge, I do not intend to cut her out of your lives entirely." I could see the wide eyes of surprise on the faces of many of my subjects, even from up there on the balcony. I was fairly certain everyone in the courtyard was expecting an announcement of her pending execution, if it hadn't already happened. Telling them that she was alive, and would still be a part of their lives actually caused a ragged cheer to come up from the crowd. Okay, there's the carrot. Now for the stick. (As opposed to what I did with Blueblood, which was basically showing him the carrot, and then beating his fool head in with it.) "Of course," I added, keeping my tone even, "while I intend to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible, there will be a few changes that not everyone will like. I know this, and accept it: I hope you will, as well. As I've said, Equestria is sick, and the best medicines often leave a bad taste in your mouth. I ask that you trust that Doctor Sombra knows what he's doing, and swallow any bitter pills I give to you. The first change you've already heard about: Prince Blueblood is persona non grata, as of today. He has been stripped of rank and privilege, and all of his assets are being seized by the state as we speak." This actually got a bigger cheer than hearing Celestia was still alive. I think that if anyone else had announced this, there'd have been dancing in the streets as ponies began singing 'Ding Dong The Prince Is Dead'. "Yes, yes, I know you're all pleased to hear that he is no longer a part of the Equestrian government," I said with a chuckle I didn't need to fake. "A pony willing to sell all of Equestria out to save his own skin has no place calling himself a prince, or a stallion, or even Equine. While Blueblood may have been an extreme case, part of the transition will involve fixing much of what's currently broken in Equestria. Of course, if it isn't broken, it doesn't need fixing, but in the case of those like Blueblood, things that refuse to work... get broken." The menace, and the wicked smile, I put into those last two words, was chilling. There are advantages to looking like a unicorn that had crawled out of the deepest bowels of hell. For one thing, it meant a metaphorical +10 to all intimidation rolls. The entire crowd shuddered as a single entity. If anyone was questioning whether I was actually Sombra after that speech, they weren't now. They were too busy trying not to lose control of their bowels. Returning to an expression of serene calm, I said, "But for now, go home. Be with your families. And rejoice. Your future is in the very best of hooves: Mine." And with that, the speech was over. I turned and left: Sombra wouldn't expect applause, and wouldn't care, even if there was, so I didn't bother to stay and listen for it. As I walked back into the throne room, after giving that speech, I was ready to just plop down and go to sleep on the throne. However, there was a bespectacled earth pony inside who, in spite of looking slightly terrified, seemed intent on getting my attention. Who...? Raven Inkwell Sex: Female Race: Earth Pony Color Scheme: Off-white coat, dark brown mane and tail, brown eyes. Cutie Mark: Pen and an inkwell. Bio: Princess Celestia's personal secretary. No further data available. Regardless of all inquiries into her history, nothing has come up concerning her origins. However, an absence of evidence is not an evidence of absence. I am naturally suspicious of any mystery, but the probability of her being anything other than what she appears is low. Low, but not non-existant. Threat Level: Currently unclassified. Ooookay. Well, best to see what she needed, I supposed. I asked, calmly, "Can I help you, miss...?" "Secretary Raven Inkwell, at your service, you highness," she said, introducing herself. "In the interest of maintaining the stability of the nation, I am here to offer my services to you until such time as Princess Celestia regains consciousness. I understand you are most likely in need of rest, so I'll try to keep this brief." She pulled out a folder from... fuck, I don't even want to guess, ponies sometimes just make shit appear, I don't know how. Using telekinesis, I gently took it, and read the contents. Wow. Just... wow. I hadn't even thought of acquiring this stuff during that info dump, but having seen it, I realized just how badly I would need all of this. "Contained is a list of what you might call a 'who's who' in the Equestrian government," she explained. "Ministers, heads of vital agencies and departments, and so forth. I can arrange meetings with whichever ones you wish to see, although it might be wise to wait a day or two before doing so: Everypony is still a bit in shock after this morning's events." "That's fair," I admitted. Besides, it would give me a chance to see who, if any, were willing to actually give the new government a chance. I expected at least a few of them to, ah, vacate the city the moment I requested their presence. At least this way, they'd get a chance to pack their bags first, rather than fleeing in the middle of the night. I checked the list, and while I found just about everything I expected (And a few that I couldn't believe. There's a Ministry of Silly Trots here? Really? And they have THAT big a budget? Dafuq?), there was one individual I couldn't find. "And the Royal Spymaster?" I asked, giving the secretary a cool, measured look. Raven, an eyebrow raised, asked, "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, I don't know what Celestia calls the position," I explained, "but no matter how good or just a ruler might be, no one remains in power without someone keeping track of, and sometimes removing, all the hidden potential threats that endanger the kingdom. While most anyone else on this list can wait, I need to speak with that individual immediately." Especially since, if anyone was going to try and assassinate me tonight, it would be on the orders of that individual, whoever that pony may be... Raven gave me a long, measuring look. After a moment, she reached into her hair, and pulled out a small, blue crystal. "One moment, please," she requested, then tossed it into the air. It hovered, and then began to glow. After a moment, she nodded and said, "Alright, it should be safe to talk, now that an anti-eavesdropping enchantment is in place. What did you need to discuss?" I raised an eyebrow, the only outward sign of the confusion and surprise I was suddenly feeling. What the hell? She laughed in response. "What, you thought I was just Celestia's secretary?"