//------------------------------//
// Who I Really Am 
// Story: Secrets of the Heart 
// by Quick Fix 
//------------------------------//

January 11th





After everything that had happened over the past three weeks, Applejack couldn't help but consider manual labour out in the cold as a day off. It helped that the constant chill gnawed away at her nerves. It was a lot harder to be distracted by the return of the tension around her heart when the feeling was spread across her entire body. Out here she could just handle her business and her thoughts without having anypony relying on her. Because while she still considered herself the loyalist of friends and most dependable of ponies, there were still times when she needed to get away and unwind from all that.


Something that often went overlooked about her was her need for stability. That constant source of comfort in her life of knowing what she had, the farm, her siblings, her friends. Some ponies seemed to think that she tried to stay out of the smaller adventures her friends got involved with, but she was there as much as if not more than the others. She just didn't get quite so directly involved thanks to her comfort zone. A zone that had been rattled by the presence of Bounty and Windhover, not helped by her visit to the Crystal Empire. She had come back to Ponyville with a quiet desire to find somepony of her own and put down that cold tension for good. The trouble was, she had two that had wormed their way into her heart.


Bounty was a complex case. He was local to Ponyville, hardworking, reliable, committed to any task he was given, plus he was quite the looker. Though given everything she'd found out about him, it wasn't that surprising. Shining Armor had a model's looks. That was where the complexity came in though. Despite everything she saw him as, he still spoke as though he wasn't a real pony. It was impossible to get a read on his thoughts either, given how all he was focused on at the moment was getting to Canterlot. Since Twilight was still occupied with her personal task, he'd bought a ticket for the first train to Canterlot when the route opened again this evening. Overall, as much as she liked him, there were just so many unknowns.


Windhover was almost a polar opposite. He was rather plain on the outside, though to be fair she'd never seem him without his jacket on. His personality was the better of the two though, easy-going, no nonsense, honest, lacked in drama and seemed less like he felt something for her in return. That sounded like a flaw on the surface but it meant that she had the chance to find out where things stood between them. If she decided to go down that way.


As she finished replacing the fencepost she'd been working on and started on reattaching the boards to it, Applejack glanced back toward Ponyville, the late afternoon sun hanging lazily over the town. It felt strange to think that winter wrap up would be coming soon and all this would be unrecognisable, back to it's usual green and yellows. It mirrored her own situation in a sense. She would soon be giving up her solo ways and stepping back into the search for a mate for the first time since her teenage years. Yet at the same time she wasn't looking forward to it. With two ponies that had found a place in her heart, she wasn't sure there was a decision that could be made without hurting anypony. Bounty was likely still harbouring feelings under his current distraction and she could easily suffer the sting of rejection or the regret of choosing the wrong pony. It was almost impossible to decide which of the two stallions she wanted to try and ask.


"Applejack?"


Applejack stopped and looked up as she heard Windhover's voice from above. The pegasus was coming into a hover a few dozen feet above her, though as he saw her notice him he came down to land, flicking his wings in and hitting the deck hard enough to buckle his legs. Even in the midst of her turbulent thoughts, she noticed that his wings had gone in much sooner than a pegasus normally would do so, a minor detail that she couldn't explain for now.


"Windhover? What's happening?" She asked once he'd regained his composure. Now that he was up close she just how anxious he was, shifting in place and looking away constantly. Seemed he had something big on his mind as well.


"Well, see the thing is..." He gritted his teeth for a moment and swallowed before looking toward her again. "I'm heading back to Manehatten this evening and, there's a few things I wanted to talk to you about before that. Some things I need to say while I've got the chance."


Applejack paused midway through forcing one of the boards back into place and stared at him, her brain catching up with her ears. What was bothering him so badly yet he hadn't brought it up until now? Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of splintering wood and she looked down to see she'd been pressing on the board hard enough to snap it in half.


"Consarnit."


"Oh, err, s-sorry..." Windhover stepped back slightly, suddenly looking rather flighty.


"Nah, it's fine. Was probably gonna need replacing soon enough," Applejack shook her head slightly and looked down at her leg, slowly tensing the muscle before she picked up the broken wood. "Ah needed to take a break to warm up soon too. We can talk inside."


After a quick detour to dispose of the board, Applejack and Windhover made their way back up to the farmhouse. Applejack quickly set about getting a fire going while Windhover made the two of them drinks. Within minutes the atmosphere was warm and relaxed again as the two of them settled down at the kitchen table with a mug of hot cider each. Windhover was still fidgety though and he was struggling to maintain eye contact. She simply let him work through whatever internal struggle he was dealing and sat back, trusting he'd tell her when he was ready.


"Applejack..." He eventually said, slowly looking up at her. "I've, been lying to you. A lot...Like, ever since we first met."


"...Say what?"


Applejack could only stare at him in disbelief. Maybe it was how quiet he was, maybe it had been down to everything that had been going on but she'd never suspected anything from him.


"No, I mean...Ever since we started sending each other letters. Windhover was just a quill name I was using for that advert. My normal name is a bit too recognisable. I kind of just kept rolling with it when we planned to meet and I wanted to tell you but...Yeah."


"Okay," She nodded and took a sip of her cider. It stung a little that he had been hiding this from her and that she hadn't picked up on it. She wasn't one to judge though, instead preferring to understand the why. "So, what is your real name?"


Instead of answering directly, 'Windhover' got up and took his jacket off, followed by his goggles and beanie. It was the first time Applejack had seen him without any of his clothes on and while the mane and eyes were familiar, her eyes immediately went to check his cutie mark for the first time. A bass clef. He placed his things on the back of his chair and turned to let her take in the sight of him as he was for the first time. His physique was rather standard for a pegasus stallion, but there was a tone to his looks, hints of handsomeness. It wasn't anything like Bounty had, but Applejack felt a flicker in her heart at the sight.


"Huh...Still doesn't explain who you are though." She commented.


"What? I...Right, you're not into rock music."


"Nah. That's more of Little Hayseed's thing."


"That would explain a lot. Anyway, my actual name is Deep Note."


Applejack paused midway through raising her mug. That name sounded somewhat familiar yet she couldn't place it. It sounded like somepony Rainbow Dash would mention when she was rattling off her favourite musicians.


"Alright. So from the sounds of it, yer a pretty big name in what ya do. Which is?"


"Well, I didn't lie about that detail in our letters," Deep Note said as he sat back down. A little confidence was returning to his voice. "I am a guitarist, you saw just how good I was at the party. It's more than a hobby though, I play in a band. Has Hayseed ever mentioned a group called Seviors?"


Applejack rubbed her chin and nodded, smiling a little as she saw him perk up at that.


"A few times. Pretty successful if ah remember right."


"Good enough to be Manehatten regulars," Deep replied, unable to hide the pride. "And definitely enough that I'd be swarmed if I'd used my name for my quill pal ad, or for being seen in Ponyville."


"Well, ah can understand the use of your Windhover identity fer that..." Applejack said, watching as Deep took an extra long drink of his cider. "But ah can tell that's not the whole story, is it?"


"You always did come across as perceptive," He answered as he put his mug down. He was avoiding eye contact even more and his voice had grown quieter. They were getting closer to the heart of the matter. After a minute he looked back up at her with a look that showed he had decided to bite the bullet and say it. "One of my letters to you, I sent on August twenty-eigth. When did you receive it?"


"That would be..." Applejack raked her brains for which letter that would likely be among the ones still pinned up. "The one ah got on September second."


"Okay...I'm not brave enough to say it directly so...Was there anything in that letter that stood out?"


Applejack thought over what she remembered from the letter or how it might be relevant to their current situation. Nothing she remembered really stood out, it was just him answering questions she had asked in her previous letter...And asking one of his own.


'-if I started getting any funny ideas about you and me. Not that I have, I mean you can't fall in love with a pony through letters right?'


"Deep Note...Are ya saying...?" She asked gently. His blush told him all she needed to know.


"I didn't mean for it to happen like this," Deep exclaimed in a half-panic. "The more letters we sent each other, the more I got to see the mare behind the hero reputation. I saw a mare like no other, one that's committed, clever, brave, but sensitive, lonely and...If you'll permit me to say so, lacking in body image."


Applejack looked down and slowly rubbed her leg, feeling the muscles there. It seemed she wasn't the only perceptive one.


"Nopony says anything, but I know it puts ponies off..." She said quietly. 


She didn't bring it up if she could help it, considering both her physique and the results of it were an unavoidable side effect of her lifestyle. But she could tell most stallions were intimidated by the thought of getting close to a mare that could bench press them with ease. In the past she'd been too busy to notice, but with her new outlook on the matter after her time in the Crystal Empire, that fact stung deep. More than deep, she could feel it cutting into a gap she'd never realised had been there.


"Then they're fools."


Applejack's eyes blinked back into focus as she felt a hoof against hers and she looked up to see Deep Note by her side, looking at her with a conviction she'd never seen in him before.


"I'd have said this sooner if I'd known just how badly you felt about it but...I for one think you're beautiful as you are and there's nothing wrong with it. Your hero's reputation is well earned and yet you haven't changed as a pony, not if everything you told me about life before that is anything to go by. As for your strength, it's just part of who you are and as I've good as admitted...I love who you are."


As she looked up into those calm blue eyes of his, Applejack felt herself sniff slightly. His words had pierced straight to her core and were burning away at the fears she had held there for too long. That cold grip around her heart was fading like it had at Bounty's touch, but this was for more than a fleeting moment. With his touch, his gaze, his quiet expression that showed he meant every word, she felt free of her concerns. She felt herself again.


"Ah...Didn't realise how much I needed t'hear that. Thank you, hun." Applejack said quietly, smiling softly up at Deep.


"You're welcome. So, does that count as an apology for lying to you all this time too?" The pegasus said in return, smiling nervously.


"No, I'm still mighty ticked off about that."


Deep backed up slightly until he saw her crack a grin at his response. Then she stood up and hugged him. Neither of them needed words to convey just what they needed to say right now. They just needed each other's company.