//------------------------------// // Bonus: When It's Hard to Say Anything, Just Say Everything! // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Dear Feather Bangs, First of all, congratulations on being the first ever letter to be answered by Princess Celestia’s ‘Here. Practice writing by responding to this. It looks unimportant,’ service (It’s a working title, probably)! I’m sure you have many other options for letter sending, so thanks for sorta choosing me! Now then, sounds like you have three potential girlfriends, who, quote, look like Disney Princesses but ponies, yo, end quote, but no idea how to talk to them or which one to pick! And, oh no! Do you really think you’ve jeopardized your chances with them by asking three little fillies who tried to help you do a music number but almost ended up burning down your town?! I was really confused when you said you came from our town, but I don’t remember seeing you in Canterlot! And I definitely do NOT remember three girls burning down our town! So if you’re not from our town, then where is your town?? Actually, where you are is not important! That still sounds bad! I mean… I heard there wasn’t much to not-our-town-but-definitely-your-town, but I can imagine that all your stuff is there and also the girls, so that must be super rough. Well, I’ve only ever talked to a princess when I mistake a mirror for Celestia, or am talking to my sister, or mistake the reflection of my sister for her, or when I talk to my sister’s sister, or when I talk to Celestia. Also sometimes I talk to other princesses like Twilight or Cadence. But never Disney Princesses! Except when I sing along with the videos Celestia lets me and my sister watch… Hey! How do you know about Disney?! I thought only Auntie Twilight did! Are you a friend of Twilight? Did you know she’s a princess?! Maybe you can practice talking to her! Also, I think you’re wrong that singing and hair flipping won’t work. Singing seems to work well in everything I’ve seen. Though, you have to be careful about what you sing! Some songs are scary and attract cackles of hyenas (a quote cackle unquote is what a group of hyenas is called! Neat, huh?) Some songs are good but might attract sea witches or even eels to throw you over your boat, so maybe if you sing those songs, don’t sing on a boat. Still, I also heard that mane flipping attracts mates! I’ve flipped my mane a few times and it seems to work great! Every time I’m done flipping out there’s loads of playmates stuck in there, and the best part is they can’t leave until I let them out! It might help that I have very long and shimmering hair, so if your hair isn’t super long or shimmery, you might need to become an alicorn first. Also, it might help to reference something everyone can agree is great! Here, I just thought of something to get you started off… My face is sweaty, knees weak, hooves are heavy, There's vomit in my mane already, mom's spaghetti! I’m nervous, but I have a pocket full of calm spaghetti. When I was a colt I ate four mom’s spaghetti every morning to get big. Now that I’m grown I eat five mom’s spaghetti so I’m roughly the size of a pig! And then like… write a few more verses but keep on mentioning spaghetti here and there! And remember to keep flipping your hair. As far as which one to pick, I say just keep trying to wash the vomit out of your mane, singing about spaghetti, and hair flipping until one or all three want to be with you. And make believe with you! And live in harmony, harmony oh mom’s spaghetti! Ooh ooh, I just came up with the second verse! Well, I’m super hungry now, so good luck! I’ll write you again if I think of any more song lyrics and remember you, but that second thing probably won’t happen. Signed, Not Actually Princess Celestia But Definitely a Reasonable Fac… Fac… Fact Simply!