//------------------------------// // Part 1: the beginning // Story: the history of equestria, i suppose // by falcon4 //------------------------------// Hi So you’re in Equestria, the land of magic and harmony. Pretty neat, huh? You’re technically on a giant piece of dirt and rock surrounded by water, which is being held together by the corresponding forces of magic, by the way. Aside from the ponies living in the land with an obvious horse pun, there were also other (inferior) creatures, like griffons and dragons. How did this happen, you may ask? Well, we’re going to have to take it back a few steps. In the beginning, everything was everywhere. You don’t know what it’s consisted of because it was literally everything. It was so every that you don’t need a thing. You don’t even need- Wait, that’s actually too far back. Let’s fast forward a few billion years to this very specific piece of rock, flying in outer space at some inordinate speed in relativity. We can just say that this is supposed to harbor Equestria- After it finally chilled down a bit from the astronomical harshness that is, where water, land and life formed, of course. But even then, it was going to be a while before the said ‘life’ was going to go on land due to deadly lasers and the lack of food. But once persuaded by the presence of tasty enough food (eventually), they were to be the first life on Equestria as we know. Yet then something strange happened, so strange that we needed an intermission in this message: Magic! No, really. Magic. Somewhere inbetween our new lifeforms settling in on land and Equestria, some new element decided to mingle with the abstract physical elements and physics. Now using a completely revolutionary substance called ‘magic’, its wielders can finally find a meaningful way to say ‘fuck you’ to any rational sense and logic when it comes to interacting with the physical environment, and get away with it! Now coming to living beings in Equestria! How was it made? Because it was already there! Only except it wasn’t made before. (cough cough) Fast forward another few hundred million years. We now have ponies, griffons, changelings and other cool shit, hanging around wherever they can live. But we’re focusing on the ponies because the others are weird and don’t like writing so we don’t know too much about their past. In the beginning, there was no Equestria, just three races of ponies in their gang of tribes, being held together by the forces of food and saltiness. As dirt earth ponies grew all the food, they expected everyone to be their friends (because you needed food to survive), only to have the unicorns and pegasi give them a giant ‘fuck you’ instead. Why? Because they wanted the earth ponies to know that they depended on their weather and solar control in actuality. Either way, they both demanded food from the earth ponies in order to lend them the fruits of their utilities. Although deep down inside, both the pegasi and unicorns held contempt towards themselves for not being able to grow their own food and survive on their own. They could both go back to picking berries and eating nuts, but then they remembered that the earth ponies probably grew those too so they kept shouldering each other out in this loveless marriage. Either way this was sort of in place for some time. Cue WEATHER UPDATE: “The temperature just got a fuck ton colder” Everyone was just like ‘yeah sure okay’ Cue WEATHER UPDATE: “The colder weather probably lead to fuck ton of white shit falling out of the sky” Everyone was still ‘am I supposed to give a shit or something’ Cue FAMINE WARNING: “The fuck ton colder weather and white shit probably just destroyed all the crops” Now everyone finally realised that it was ‘Real Shit’ and decided to have negotiations at the only unturned house in the middle of nowhere. Only problem was that their leaders were sniffing glue beforehand (Although it didn’t help the fact that the glue they sniffed left holes in their brains anyways) and started to sling shit at each other in the negotiation tables. Eventually they all individually decided that it was high time to get the hell out of there, wherever they are. Where was there? I don’t know. Either way, they trekked on in hopes of finding a new home. And then they kept trekking. And they were still trekking. And they stopped trekking. Why? It’s new land! The only problem was that everyone discovered the same piece of dirt land at the same time, and still bitter about the negotiation they started at it again. Cue SEVERE BLIZZARD ALERT: “The cold and white shit still want to feed off your saltiness” Soon they discovered that the Windigos were trolling them the whole time and that they were the ones feeding them, they got together and friendshipped real hard, producing enough heat to evict the Windigos (to their presumed deaths) and melt the white stuff chasing them. They realised that they all needed to stop feeding the trolls (and starve), they had to keep on friendshipping in this new land. The land was soon to be named Equestria to equally distribute their incompetence. Now without the risk of freezing each other to death, the ponies sort of chilled down in this new land, forming new blots of residencies everytime they found something mildly amusing. From this, you can expect your hamlet to be in the middle of nowhere, or your club being a mile high in the sky. That’s just how things work under magic. Out of all of them, this boner city sticking out of the side of a mountain (god forbid if it was a volcano) was the most important, as it served as Equestria’s capital and held the princesses, where they wear pretty dresses and do princess-y things, such as taxing the citizens. It also housed most of the nobles, going to Galas and dance parties every day while everyone else was still toiling the lands trying to get food. Ding dong, get the door! Who is it? Discord! “Hey, guess what?” said Discord, “I got this crazy new thing I want everyone to try called ‘chaos’, who’s with me?” “No one” said everyone. “Try it!” repeated Discord. “No…” said everyone, a little louder this time. Doesn’t matter, it’s Discord, and he made everyone try it nonetheless. Soon the crazy new rules were implemented throughout Equestria, with it’s aim of removing the current rules to allow for a period where the citizens could do whatever they want. Correction: The citizens could do whatever they want, as long as it was relevant to chaos. If it was not relevant to chaos then they’d be in some pretty serious shit. Oh, and the plan comes with replacing clouds with cotton candy raining chocolate milk, so I guess everyone was sort of happy about that (free food!). Soon everyone were hooked on the clouds leading up to a massive sugar rush tearing through Equestria but it was quickly followed by a crash, causing everyone to feel miserable and Equestria to shatter. Except Discord, because you can’t shatter if you were already shambles in the first place.