//------------------------------// // The Royal Welcome // Story: Unfortunately, I Am The King Of Equestria // by Sofa King Zill-E //------------------------------// Sombra is an absolute motherfucker. As I looked down at the unconscious Celestia in the tent she was being held in, that was the first thing that came to my mind. I'd taken another migraine to get some info on the pretty pony princess before being taken to see her, but even a detailed description was insufficient to prepare me for the reality of her. She was beautiful. Not simply beautiful the way a person was, but beautiful the way waterfalls are beautiful. Beautiful the way rainbows are beautiful. Beautiful the way a sunrise or a sunset is beautiful. Hers is a beauty that transcends all boundaries: Hyper-intelligent shades of blue would find Celestia just as beautiful as any pony would. To see her was to love her... And Sombrero the Asshat had declared war on this. He had struck her with the intent to harm, to maim, perhaps even to kill. Sombra is lower than cockroach shit. That is not an opinion: That is fact. If I had a whiteboard and some markers, I could prove it mathematically. Leaving aside the fact that Celestia's existence keeps the sun going up and down in Equestria (Which is both awesome and terrifying), striking a pony like her would be like wiping your ass on the Mona Lisa, after taking a shit in the Pope's hat... "You're certain that she is not seriously injured?" I asked of the doctor examining her. The doctor in question, a Doctor Stable, looked over at me for a moment, then back to his patient. Refusing to look at me again, he said, "No broken bones, no indications of any serious internal trauma. Alicorns are extremely durable, so I'm not surprised. She's just exhausted. The only prescription for that is rest." "Very well," I said, with a nod. I turned towards a nearby guard, and said, "Assemble at least fifty soldiers, and take the princess to her royal quarters. She is to be watched over, day and night, until she awakens. I'll have further instructions later on. In the meantime, simply make sure no one tries to approach her without my permission." The soldier saluted, and left to follow my orders. I turned to the doctor and asked, "In the meantime, doctor, I have a more personal problem I needed assistance with." "There is no cure for everything that's wrong with you," Stable replied, still not looking at me. I rolled my eyes, then said, "Not what I was after. I've got a terrible migraine, had it since I woke up after the fight. I was hoping you might check to make sure I don't have a concussion or anything like that." The doctor turned around, and looked me in the eyes. After a moment, he gave a sigh, then said, "Fine. Sit down, and give me a moment." Well, the good news was, I didn't have a concussion. In fact, my head seemed to be just fine. No sign of anything having hit me there, which negated my 'head trauma catalyst' theory for what started all of this. He gave me some willow bark to chew on (Which I was able to recognize as such), and told me how to make a tea from it that would help in the long term, as well. He didn't give me any actual pills for it, which surprised me. When I asked why he didn't give me something else, he countered, "Would you really trust any medicine I gave you not to be deadly poison?" Good point, there. And surprisingly, the willow bark worked. The raging pain in my skull went down to a dull roar. After I left Celestia's tent, I told my soldiers to prepare for my Royal Entry, that being a procession through the city from the gates to the palace. It's practically a parade, just to say, 'Yo, the king is in the hizzy'. Personally, I would have loved to just go into the palace, tell everybody to take the day off, and spend some time trying to piece together everything that was going on. Sadly, that would not be the way that Sombra rolls, so I couldn't do that and remain in-character, and in-character was the only armor I had to keep me alive just now. I more than half-expected to be pelted with vegetables on the way. That might have been preferable to what I actually got. I feel I did a decent job of arranging things. First, came the criers: I sent about twenty pegasus soldiers to fly throughout the city, announcing the outcome of the treaty negotiations (Leaving out the part where Equestrian soldiers had beat him near to death, and dragged him off to a fate unknown). It was then announced that I would begin my procession to the palace. All who wished to view it would be allowed to do so. Then came the soldiers, to clear the path for the procession itself. More than two hundred soldiers lined the street, there both for security, and to make sure no one tried to block my way. Also, they checked to make certain there were no potholes or anything like that which might disrupt the procession. Then came me, and my chariot. It was metal, in more ways than one: I don't think I have the words to do this monstrosity justice. Sombra had apparently said to himself, 'How can I make this as absurdly evil-looking as possible', and had gone to work with that in mind. The end result was impressive: It was a monstrosity of black iron, with wicked spikes and the heads of dragons carved into its mass. Looking at it, I couldn't help but wonder if Sombra was serious about this whole 'Evil Overlord' thing, or if it was just a joke that he was playing on the world, constantly raising the stakes, and waiting for someone to finally say 'You can't possibly be serious'. I mean, I honestly didn't think that anyone could seriously be this dedicated to looking like an evil overlord, let alone acting the part. I do feel that the fact that the dragon heads on it being able to breathe fire was a nice touch, though. Fashionable AND functional. Honestly, were it not a gross breach of character, I'd have wanted to ride through town on it while wailing on that flamethrower guitar from Mad Max: Fury Road, just to prove that, yes, I can in fact be that metal. The streets were lined with ponies, hundreds, maybe thousands. I didn't really have a true appreciation of just how large, and populous, the city truly was until now. It wasn't like a medieval city, it was more like... well, the only thing that comes to mind is something like Venice, Italy: It's a modern city, but it has no skyscrapers or anything like that, so on the surface, it doesn't look like a modern metropolis. It would be a little while before I saw places like Baltimare and Manehattan, and began to truly appreciate how modern some parts of Equestria were, but right here and now, I began to realize that, in spite of my previous assumptions, Equestria was more advanced than I'd expected. However, I had an odd feeling, like certain things that had made sense before were no longer adding up, and it would be a bit before I'd be able to put to words exactly what was wrong. I was too distracted right now to be able to put it together... You see, it was too quiet to think, just then. I'd expected boos, cat-calls, insults, a rain of garbage, rotten fruit, and rocks. I expected anything other than what was happening just then. Every pony lining the streets just stood there and stared at me as I passed, no one making a sound. No, stare wasn't the right word. It was a glare of pure hatred, so intense I could practically feel it on my skin. It chilled me to the bone. Nearly everyone on this long street wanted to kill me, but couldn't, because they thought that I was powerful enough to be able to kill every single one of them in a heartbeat. If any of them thought that I was powerless, even for a second, I'd be rushed, mobbed, and stomped to death faster than you can say 'Taste the curb, bitch'. And of course, right when I was halfway to my destination, I saw Maud Pie on the side of the road. Yes, her, with Rainbow Dash and Pinkamena at her side. The one pony who knew I wasn't Sombra, with two soldiers for backup. More importantly, Maud alone was strong enough to break the line, all on her lonesome: If she decided to start something, I'd be fucked. The thirty seconds that followed were among the longest in my life. Now, let me tell you about the second longest thirty seconds in my life. My parents, as I may have mentioned, are terrible people. They're also extremely wealthy. They got that money by doing a lot of illegal shit, and laundering the proceeds. Remember Breaking Bad? Remember how much money Walter White made over the course of that series? Chicken scratch, compared to the paper my parents made. But you don't get that rich without making enemies. The kind of enemies who like to send a message, and have no problem with killing kids to make that message perfectly clear. One day, when I was twelve, I was outside taking a walk, three bodyguards that my parents insisted I have along with me. The first thing I heard was a bang, and the first guard, Tony, went down. The second, Carl, had me down on the ground, shielding me with his body while the third one, Rick, pulled out his pistol and took cover behind a tree. For thirty seconds, I could only lay flat on the ground while Rick and whoever it was exchanged fire. The last five seconds were the worst: Absolute silence. Then Rick said, "Clear," and I was picked up, brushed off, and all was well... except that two people were dead, and my nerves were shot for weeks afterwards. I never complained about having bodyguards again. That was what those thirty seconds were like: Waiting to find out if I was going to live or die, and having no control over the outcome. She said nothing as I rode past. She did almost nothing. Almost. She did something that, I would later come to understand, was very rare for her. She smiled. A very small, very brief smile. I might have been able to relax after I went by, if she hadn't given me that smile. There's no telling what that smile might have meant... Once the procession was completed, I insisted on having a few minutes alone in the throne room, so I could prepare for my speech. After taking in the sights, including that stained glass window of Celestia suplexing a dragon into a volcano, I sat down on her throne , and braced myself. Why? Because I needed data for my speech, and there was only one way to get it. It was time for an info dump... "Show me... Equestria..." I said, and strapped myself in for the first of a long line of migraines.