“Glim Glam?” Dr. Fauna called into the waiting room with no subtle hint of confusion.
Starlight Glimmer raised her hoof and was about to stand to meet the good doctor, until Spike offered his thoughts. “Seriously?” He objected, setting his comic book down in his lap, crossing his arms and glaring at OG Glimmy.
“I like rap music okay?” She hissed through her clenched teeth defensively. She crossed the lobby to the clinic’s most generously proportioned exam room, her brand new pet human balled up in her magic grip. The human didn’t look particularly upset, just that he might be sick all over the clinic.
Fortunately Starlight set it down in a sitting position on the exam bed before that could happen. As its new owner and new doctor chatted in front of it, it sat patiently, hands in its lap, its robotic thumb on its left arm dancing with the flesh one on its right. It felt like a child haplessly watching grown ups having a conversation, as its eye flicked back and forth between them focusing on whichever was talking.
“So, I have to ask…where did you get this?” Dr. Fauna started.
Starlight shrugged innocently, “Twilight gave it to me.”
Dr. Fauna sighed, “She didn’t tell you anything about it? Like…if it’s a he or she? Or what it eats?”
Glimmy Glammy shook her head. ”Nothing. That’s why I came to you. I was hoping you could tell me about its diet and anything else I need to know.” Serendipitously, the human’s stomach growled when Starlight finished her explanation.
Dr. Fauna shook her head, “So you don’t know anything about these…irregularities either?” She hesitated, pointing to the human’s eye patch, robotic left arm, and the left side of its mouth where a piece of its upper lip seemed to be missing.
“Your guess is as good as mine.” Starlight shrugged again.
Dr. Fauna regarded the human carefully. She reached up to its jaw and tried to pry it open. When the human wouldn’t cooperate, Dr. Fauna fetched an apple and dangled it in front of the human’s face. Naturally, the human tried to grab it from her, only for the good doctor to foil him by yanking it out of its reach. Eventually the human gave up and opened its mouth for Dr. Fauna to inspect. Not one to be outwitted he snapped his jaw shut as she drew closer. Also not one to be outwitted, Dr. Fauna offered him the apple again. This time, when the human opened its mouth, she jammed its jaw open with the apple, giving her a serviceable although slightly obstructed view of his teeth. “Huh, don’t know what I was expecting.” She remarked.
Starlight leaned in to look at the human’s mouth worriedly. “What is it?”
“Well look at this…” Dr. Fauna instructed, drawing back some of its cheek, revealing yet more teeth. “See how some of his teeth are flat on the top, like these molars, but then he also has these sharp canines up here.”
“I-is that bad?” Starlight asked taking a step away.
Dr. Fauna climbed off of the human and let him eat his prize. “Well, it just means he’s an omnivore. The flat teeth are for chewing up fruits and vegetables like a pony, but the canines let him tear into flesh like a predator.”
Starlight took a few more steps back, not many, just enough to press herself against the opposite wall. “A PREDATOR?! He’s not dangerous is he? And…you’re SURE it’s a he? I swear if he eats Spike while I’m making my escape I’ll make Twilight pay! You don’t even WANT to know what I’ll do to her if he ends up eating me.” She threatened.
Disregarding Starlights thinly veiled threats against one of Equestria’s ruling princesses, Dr. Fauna addressed her concerns. “Well, you tell me, he seems pretty docile to me, but I’ve only known him a few minutes and regarding item two, there is one really fast way to find out…” Dr. Fauna gave the human some space. He hadn’t been regarding the other occupants of the room very much since he got his hands on something to eat finally. “Come on boy, up up!” Dr. Fauna coaxed, the only acknowledgement she got was the human pausing mid bite and staring at her. After a brief silence he went about the business of lunch. Starlight, having scraped herself off of the back wall stood next to Dr. Fauna and shrugged. “Don’t worry Starlight, you don’t do this job as long as I have without learning how to get animals to do what you want.”
Dr. Fauna set her front hooves on the examining bed and as the human was about to take another bite of his apple, she swatted it out of his hand. Starlight shielded her eyes expecting her new pet to devour his doctor. When he didn’t, she saw that Dr. Fauna had met his agitated glare with her own superior smirk. The human submitted and got off the bed, bending over to pick his lunch up off the floor. As soon as he did so, Dr. Fauna set one hoof on his back and started patting between his legs with the other. Glimmer Glammer’s pet human quickly caught on to what was happening and pushed Dr. Fauna off of him, knocking her on her rump. By now, S to the Glimmer was biting her hooves with anxiety, fearing for Dr. Fauna’s life! There was no need however, as soon as he had his lunch back, he went back to his perch.
Of course, Starlight felt partly responsible for her pet’s behavior so she helped Fauna back to her hooves. She could only smile and remark, “I’ll be sure to note he likes his space on his chart, but I can say for certain it’s male.” She stated proudly. Starlight smiled with relief, she hadn’t actually been hurt. “Now regarding his chart, if you want to find out as much as you can, I want to run a lot of labs and take x-rays and things along that line. I should only need him for the rest of the day, but I noticed you didn’t put a name down for him when you checked in. So, what do I call this patient?” She asked, ready to fill in the empty space.
Starlight furrowed her brow curiously, looking around the room, “Uhhhh….”