Discord's New Business

by KnightMysterio

Customer 10: Trixie Lulamoon

Trixie supposes that she should acknowledge that in your universe, the trademark to her name and likeness are copyrighted to Hasbro, or some such nonsense. Also, apparently this 'KnightMysterio' clown is even poorer than Trixie, so donate money to him so he can continue writing about Trixie's greatness. Also, this chapter takes place after everyone's temporary transformations had worn off.

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That one hamlet where Twilight lives...
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Trixie supposes that she should begin the tale of her day of glory with how she became an alicorn for the day.

First, Trixie came into Ponyville with intent on visiting her friend Starlight Glimmer. Her parole officer (a rather strapping young thestral named Spruce Vine) had cleared her to come into town for a visit, making sure the local authorities knew she was coming.

(Trixie is a most humble and law-abiding pony. Also, Spruce is amazingly attractive and Trixie wishes to stay on his good side so she can successfully seduce him.)

Ever stoic, but ever insistent on remaining in the background so as not to interfere with Trixie's personal life, he sat back and let Trixie visit Starlight Glimmer at Twilight's castle. Imagine Trixie's surprise, however, when her dear friend and magic teacher Starlight turned out to be a changeling queen!

“Not actually a queen,” said the colorful creature my friend had become. “Just temporarily. Well, maybe. Depends on how I feel after the grubs are born.”

THAT certainly caught Trixie off-guard. “You are certain you are pregnant? This early?!”

“Yeah,” Starlight said. “I don't know how to explain it, but... I could just tell that new lives were forming within me, the moment I was fertilized. Thorax told me that Chrysalis could always tell when she was expecting the instant after being fertilized too...”

While I like Thorax, I had no real desire to learn about changeling biological processes. (Although Trixie was sorely tempted to ask for details of the romantic encounter. While she has no real personal attraction to Sunburst, he is a bit of a stud.)

Yes, Trixie is switching back and forth between talking normally and her usual third person manner of speech. Trixie is just cool like that, in that she can switch back and forth between humble and bombastic on a whim. So there. Nyah.

Instead, Trixie decided to ask how Starlight became a changeling queen in the first place. Starlight said that Discord had started a business, legally no less, where he would change anypony who paid him into whatever they wanted for a single day, all basic racial knowledge included. (Which explains why Rarity was a dragon a few days ago. Trixie never thought to ask.)

I couldn't pass that up. Really, who could? And I most definitely knew what I wanted to turn into. There was one problem.

“No,” Spruce Vine told me. “Absolutely not.”

“Oh come on,” I asked him. “What could it hurt?”

“Said the dentist before bringing out the drill,” quipped Spruce. It's nice to see that the guards do have something resembling wit.

“I promise I won't do anything destructive. I've learned my lesson since the Amulet,” I said. “Plus, I bet I can make it worth your while...” I added, giving him my most sultry look.

Spruce glared at me. “Are you attempting to bribe your parole officer?”

“Certainly not,” I scoffed. Really, how underhooved does he think I am? “I'm SEDUCING you. This is a bonafied attempt to get into your pants. Which you don't have on, but you get the metaphor.”

I would have laughed at the startled expression that came over his face, but I was trying to get him to let me do this. Apparently, though, he was more dedicated to his job than I hoped. “I can't, Trixie. I won't let you violate your parole by doing this.”

Curses, I thought. However, Trixie had another idea, and took Spruce to Twilight Sparkle herself. Apparently, her little dragon assistant, Spike, had just ended a week as a unicorn. My curiosity was piqued even more. I HAD to try this service out, and asked Twilight if I could have special permission. Spruce made the argument against it. And my dear frenemy Twilight Sparkle pointed out the loophole I was looking for.

“...Technically, a transformation doesn't violate her restrictions. She's specifically not allowed to use magical artifacts to gain added power, and since Discord doesn't use charms to change ponies, she's legally allowed to go to him,” she said.

Spruce's shocked expression was absolutely hilarious.

I decided to make an entrance when going to visit Discord's stand, and cast the illusion spells to create dazzling fireworks. Trixie psyched herself up, slid in through the fireworks, and posed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has come to grace your business!”

Discord looked suitably impressed at my entrance, paying me proper respect.

“Tell it right, Lulamoon.”

Er... no, that's not what he said. He said,

“Discord, handsome rogue that he is, said, 'You'll never defeat me, Lulamoon. Tell it right or I'll turn this into a Warhammer story.”

That's bad, isn't it?

“You have no idea.”

Fiiiiine... Sheesh. All the trouble I went through to take over the narration and I can't even... whatever.

Discord gave me an amused but slightly bored look, and said, “Eh, six out of ten.”

I grumbled, but decided not to push it. “Trixie has found a loophole in her parole and has come to indulge in your services, Discord!”

“Should be good for a laugh,” Discord said, sneering in that obnoxious way he had. “What'll it be?”

Trixie admits that the laugh she made was a bit evil, but come on, can you blame me? ANYPONY would laugh like a lunatic at this opportunity.

“MWAHAHAHAHA!” I cackled. “Trixie requests the opportunity to, for the next twenty-four hours, become an ALICORN!”

“REALLY now,” Discord said, looking interested.

“NO! Trixie, this is too much!” Spruce protested. Discord snapped his fingers and turned him into a puppy. I didn't notice until later.

“Very well, Temporary Princess Trixie,” Discord said, pulling out a sheet of paper. “Sign here, please.”

I looked over the form. It looked fairly standard. 'I, the undersigned, do hearby swear that everything I do while taking on this advanced transformation is done of my own free will, without any influence by Discord. Any damage I do of any kind is my own fault and I will take full responsibility for it,' it read. “Seems reasonable,” I said, signing it and giving over the appropriate bits.

“This ought to be good,” Discord said, snapping his fingers. Almost immediately, I felt power filling me. Trixie cannot... It's impossible to describe how it feels in terms that could be understood by mortals. I became AWARE. Of the earth beneath my hooves, of the wind flowing around me, of the leylines of power that made up EVERYTHING.

I could feel my skin stretching as I grew larger, as large as Sparkle was, a tingling suffusing me as my horn grew out, my mind expanding to compensate for the added intake of magical energy.

That's something most don't understand about unicorn horns. They're a conduit. They can absorb and discharge magic. It's why Celestia and Luna are so powerful, because their horns are so big. And the wings... it was painful at first, feeling them grow out of my back, but the pain faded quickly, a short stabbing. And then came the winds. I could feel them more deeply than I could before, like I could grasp them and twist them to my will. My hooves became denser, and I could feel every subtle movement of the earth beneath me, of plants gaining nourishment from the soil, of insects and burrowing rodents moving through the ground...

It's... amazing. I'm never thinking of Earth ponies as weak again. WOW...

“BEHOLD! BEHOLD THE GLORIOUS AND MAGNIFICENT TEMPORARY PRINCESS TRIXIE!” I declared.

“And all across the world,” Discord quipped, ruining my moment, “everypony shuddered in fear without realizing why.”

“Oh, shut up,” I said. “Trixie is enjoying herself. Now where...” I saw Spruce cowering adorably before me. He'd become a little pug puppy, and it was cute beyond compare. “Sweet as this is, Trixie prefers you as a stud.” I summoned my Great and Mighty power, turning him back into a thestral.

“Thank you,” he stammered. “W-What are you going to do?”

“Whatever I choose... within reason, of course,” I said. “The Noble and Heroic Trixie intends to go on ADVENTURES! GRAB MY TAIL, YOU HANDSOME THING!”

“...I'm going to regret this, aren't I?” Spruce said, grabbing my tail in his jaws.

“Probably!” I said, leaping into the air. “AWAY!” I flew into the sky with tremendous speed, dragging the rather unfortunate thestral with me. I felt a tugging on my tail as he held on for dear life. Honestly, I didn't have a destination in mind, I just wanted to fly.

And oh, how good it felt. I could feel the wind flowing over each feather, and I could feel at any moment that I could grab the wind and bend it to my will. I wasn't so much flying as I was pushing the air out of my way. I felt strong. More empowered than ever. No matter what happened to me after this, nothing could take this moment away from me.

We skidded to a halt over a town so small and provincial it made Ponyville look like Canterlot. I let Spruce take a moment to recover himself, looking around. It seemed to be a mostly earth pony town, like Ponyville, with only a small handful of pegasi for managing the weather. No unicorns, from what I could see.

“Trixie...” Spruce said. “We... We have to go back...”

Spoilsport. “Nonsense. We don't even know where we are, so how can we know how to go back?” I said.

I tried not to relish the 'crap, she's right' look on his face too much.

The two of us landed, the ponies scattering a little, looking at the two of us in a mix of awe and fear. Finally, someone with a scroll cutie mark, an older stallion with a dark brown coat and mane, stepped forward.

“Are you... a princess?” he asked.

“No, but I play one on stage,” I joked. Spruce rolled his eyes. “I assure you, my alicornhood is temporary. I am the Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon, illusionist extraordinaire. Perhaps you've heard of me?”

“Temporary? How odd... And I'm afraid not,” the mayor-type pony said. “Stableburg's fairly self-sufficient, with all the farms here, so nopony really gets out much beyond the merchants who go to Manehattan for supplies. We've never seen Princess Celestia or Princess Luna either.”

“REALLY now,” I said, fascinated. They really were isolated.

The mayor nodded. “My name is Deep Report,” he said. “I know we sound like a bunch of isolated bumpkins, but we manage to get by. You're more than welcome to visit. It's rare that we get horned visitors. And we've never had a batpony before.”

Spruce's eyes narrowed. “Thestral. The proper term is thestral,” he said.

Deep Report blushed. “My apologies,” he said. “I didn't mean to offend.”

Spruce sighed. “It's fine,” he said. “And we won't be staying long. We just want to get our bearings to get back to Canterlot.”

I chuckled. “Oh, relax,” I teased him. “We should look around, get to know this little town. Who knows? We might discover something interesting.”

“Trixie...” Spruce said.

I ignored him, turning to Deep Report. “I noticed that you don't seem to have many unicorns?”

Deep Report nodded. “Yes, but we're not tribalist. We've just never had unicorns settle in the area. They seem to prefer Manehatten, fifty miles to the south. Honestly, with the two brothers that came here recently and yourself, Miss Lulamoon, this is the most horned ponies we've had in town at once in quite some time.”

“Trixie is fine,” I said. “And brothers?”

Deep Report nodded. “Twins. One with a mustache. Their cutie marks went together, actually, it was rather interesting. Three fourths of an apple on one, a fourth of an apple on the other,” he said. “They wanted to promote a new lumberjacking device they created, and are in the forest preparing a demonstration.”

I frowned. I swear that sounded familiar. Spruce, on the other hoof, looked dismayed. “Did they do a little song and dance number when they brought out the device?” he asked.

Deep Report nodded. “How did you know?”

Spruce facehooved. “Flim and Flam,” he muttered. “Two of the biggest scam artists in Equestria.”

“AH!” I said, smiling. “That's where I've heard of them. Applesnack told me about them.” I think that was the farmer's name, anyway.

“Well, Trixie, you were right,” Spruce said. “We did find out something interesting.”

“Trixie is always right about everything,” I humbly stated.

Deep Report looked worried. “Scam artists?” he said. “Oh dear... I'm glad I insisted on a demonstration before I committed any bits to the project...”

And then came the roar.

It shook me to my core. I knew immediately what it was. I still have nightmares from time to time about that damn bear. But this sounded deeper... more powerful... more ancient.

“An URSA!?” I shrieked. I am NOT ashamed to admit that I was terrified out of my gourd. It's the ONLY sane reaction to the presence of one.

Before anyone could do anything else, the aforementioned scam artists, looking slightly mauled, charged out of the forest, screaming in terror. I caught them in my magic, holding them in place. They kept trying to run.

“LEMMEGOLEMMEGOLEMMEGO!” Flim shrieked in the most unstalliony voice imaginable.

“WHAT DID YOU IDIOTS DO!?!” Spruce snarled.

Flam giggled nervously. “We... ah... our device may have... accidentally of course... injured the cub of an Ursa Major. Where she could see it.”

“...We're all dead,” Deep Report said, wobbling on his hooves, a horrified expression on his face.

“Trixie, let them go. We'll track them down later,” Spruce said. “We need to evacuate the town, and I'll need your help.”

I dropped the idiot twins, taking to the air and looking back. The Ursa Major was crashing through the forest, a massive beast made of pure starstuff, a massive, snaggled jaw, claws the size of Discord's opinion of himself, eyes that bespoke of pure hatred...

Twilight was right. I really could have gone the rest of of my life without knowing what one of those things looked like.

Flying down to where Spruce and the local pegasi were helping people get away, I gave my report.

“That thing is made of pure destruction and scary!” I said helpfully. (Shaddup, I was scared.)

“How soon will it be here?” Spruce asked me.

“Too soon!” I said. The forest may as well not have even been there.

“Not enough time... If it catches up to the townsponies...” Spruce said.

The Ursa Major roared, bursting through the treeline into the town proper. The shrieks of terror from the town doubled as the titanic monster, so much bigger than even my nightmares, burst through. The town and everypony in it was doomed.

Unless...

“No... NO!!” Spruce shouted.

“Spruce... Trixie has what is quite possibly the stupidest idea she's ever had,” I said. I honestly couldn't believe I was having it. I HATED bears. Ursas TERRIFIED me! But it was the only thing I could think of. And as self-centered as I admittedly am, I couldn't just let this thing butcher the town because Flim and Flam are idiots.

Spruce, handsome genius that he is, figured out what I meant immediately. “Trixie... Trixie, you can't! Alicorn or not, that's an URSA MAJOR!”

“I know,” I said, feeling strangely calm. “I have to, though. I'll distract it, try to drive it away. Use the extra time to get everypony to safety.”

“Trixe! TRIXIE!!” Spruce shouted. I barely heard him.

Runawayrunawayrunaway, my brain was telling me as I flew up to the rampaging creature. It tore through some buildings, looking for ponies to unleash its wrath on.

“URSA MAJOR!” I intoned, trying to sound as imposing as possible. “YOU NOW FACE YOUR ULTIMATE OPPONENT!”

It probably would have sounded more impressive if the creature actually listened to me. I saw it spot some fleeing ponies, and turn towards them. I got its attention by shooting a beam of magic at it. It felt more powerful than anything I had ever shot, pure, unadulterated magic flowing through me. It actually rocked the monster to one side, catching its attention.

It roared at me, the force of it pushing me back. “Um... hi?” I managed after a moment. The creature stood up, and swiped at me. I let out a shriek of terror, and dodged out of the way. I so desperately wanted to run, but I knew I couldn't. I kept zapping the creature, flying back into the forest, trying to lead it away from the town.

I thought I was doing pretty well, considering I was basically just poking the thing repeatedly with my magic. But apparently the Ursa Major was intelligent enough to know when to ignore me. I had to fight harder. I couldn't let it get to the townsponies, to Spruce.

(If it ate Flim and Flam, I'd be fine with that. But it'd have to go through the rest of the townsponies to do it, so yeah.)

“We're not done yet!” I shouted. I reached out, grabbing the clouds with my magic. With my pegasus abilities, in addition to the weather magic I already knew for my shows, I drew in the nearby clouds, forming a massive thunderstorm. I directed the lightning directly at the Ursa, raining down my wrath upon it. It roared, thrashing about in anger, but kept going, trying to get away from the lightning.

I was getting desperate. I had to fight it directly. I flew in front of the beast, and began summoning every bit of magic in the area into my horn. “BACK OFF!” I shouted.

The Ursa just roared at me. This thing, the living embodiment of my nightmares (the ones that don't involve Chrysalis, anyway), bellowed its fury at me.

I shivered in fright. But I couldn't just leave. No matter what you think of me, I'm not the type to run without giving it everything I could.

“GO AWAY!” I shouted. “THIS PLACE IS NOT FOR YOU!”

The creature roared at me again. I gulped, said a prayer, and unleashed all the magic I had built up in my horn. To my surprise, the creature actually reacted to it, seemingly pushed back a little by it. I kept funneling power at the thing, trying to push it back, trying to make it leave. The magic flowing through me, it was incredible. I had NEVER felt this strong before.

Twilight Sparkle... was it like this for you?

I pumped more and more power into my blast. The Ursa, to its obvious shock, was being pushed back.

For the first time in my life, I felt that I was living up to the name I gave myself.

“I AM GREAT! I AM POWERFUL! AND BY ALL THAT IS HOLY, YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE ME, MONSTER!” I shouted, my voice echoing with all the might I was channeling.

I felt a surge of power, the beam I was firing doubling in size. And the Ursa Major... the invincible, deadly, unstoppable Ursa Major... was knocked flat on its star-studded posterior.

The creature, visibly hurt, smoldering from all the energy I hit it with. It glared at me warily. As for me, I was barely able to stand up. But I stood up anyway, as straight as I could, so I wouldn't show it any weakness.

“Leave,” I told it. “Tend to your cub. The ones that hurt it will pay for their crimes.”

The Ursa growled... and walked away. I waited until the stomping footsteps had faded before I collapsed.

The townsponies cautiously made their way back into town. When they saw that the Ursa was defeated, they cheered, lifting me up and giving me the tribute I deserved. I would have preened a bit more, but I was SO dang tired.

Spruce just stared at me, stunned. “You... You beat it...”

I chuckled tiredly. “I'm the Great and Powerful Trixie. Why are you surprised?” I said.

(Truth be told, I was damn lucky that thing left. After that beam, I had NOTHING. But that's just between you and me, readers.)

The town's being rebuilt. Spruce got word back to Canterlot and builders are on the way, along with emergency shelters and food supplies. I'm getting a statue. I'm tempted to ask them to leave the wings, but I decided to actually BE humble about it. I told them about Discord's little shop, my past, and my wish to be an alicorn for a day. They agreed to put up a little plaque on the statue with an abbreviated account, showing my heroic deed for their town.

And yes, I was loving every minute of the praise. Especially since I deserved it.

Flim and Flam got away, but there's warrants out for them now. Their stupidity has finally caught up with them. Twilight's warned Discord about them. Whether or not that shape-shifting doofus will actually turn them in is up for debate...

Hm? Why is this chapter in first person? Interesting story, actually. It turns out that ALL alicorns of a certain age are 'aware' of the Fourth Wall, and that in some realities we're fictional characters. It doesn't really bother me. I'm real in this one, and that's all that counts. Twilight, Princess Cadance, Princess Luna, and Princess Celestia choose to simply ignore the Wall. Me? I wanted to tell my story MY way.

So I stole KnightMysterio's flash drive and threatened to publish the clopfics he wrote for his 'personal use' if he didn't let me tell the story my way. Hee.

So that's Trixie's tale. I hope you enjoyed. And who knows? You may see Trixie again sometime.