Flim, Flam, and the Little Lost Apple Scam
The Art of the Steal
The morning of Cyprus Kick Kormick’s visit to Sweet Apple Acres dawned bright and nippy with the promise of winter in the air, mostly due to Rainbow Dash’s excellent positioning of chilly clouds in the vicinity, if anypony were to ask her or even seemed as if they wanted to know. It was as close to a business formal event as the farm had seen, so Applejack put her best ribbons in her mane and tail, ensured the Cutie Mark Crusaders had been properly admonished about the infernal retribution that would fall on their heads if/when they tried anything during Mister Kormick’s visit, and endured Twilight Sparkle’s last-minute lecture on What To Expect When Negotiating A Deal.
All fifty-seven pages of it.
While Big Mac was at the train station, ready to escort the wealthy industrialist to Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack was devoting her efforts to ensuring the deal was going to go… Well, not perfectly, but when things blew up and tree sap covered everything in sight, she wanted the culprits within easy reach. All three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders had been assigned foalsitting duties, keeping little Apple Sprout occupied just at the edge of Applejack’s keen vision, not in the barn, which could collapse, and not at the house, which could burst into flames, but just right over there in a plain stretch of open grass with a ball and a diaper bag. Oh, and a fire extinguisher, just in case.
The carefully labelled apple sorter, or more properly Appleloosa Produce Handling and Inspection Sorter, or APHIS, with no additional numbers or musical advertisements at Applejack’s request, was sitting out in the middle of a clear piece of ground in front of the barn, with several baskets of apples, carrots and beets ready to be run through it for the demonstration. Beside it were the two brothers, who had been washed and cleaned just as well as their machine, although lacking a few warning labels which Applejack had been tempted to add.
Flim had thrown himself into the APHIS project as if he were running away from an angry mob, working long nights and leaving a sense of tension and strain across his face, although it had not prevented him from taking his turns watching Apple Sprout. Flam, on the other hoof, had bent to their task with an unusual concentration on the details, much as if he were stalling their upcoming departure in the hopes of getting another kiss from Applejack.
And she actually was thinking about giving him one, if Kick Kormick’s visit bore fruit. She had not called him a scoundrel or a liar since their first secret trip to the Apple grove, and in return, he had been a perfect gentlecolt on several long midnight strolls among the bare apple trees.
And danged if her lips weren’t the only thing itching after they had parted ways every evening.
In short order, Big Mac could be seen proceeding through the gate to Sweet Apple Acres while escorting a smallish earth pony stallion whom Applejack recognized as Kick Kormick, although a bit shorter and older than the picture in the magazine had showed. After introductions, the brothers were still more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, but they settled down with their normal smiles and patter while running the test batches through the sorter. Everything was going just the way Applejack was expecting.
Until it wasn’t.
“Why, sure thing, Mister Kormick,” said Applejack. “Ah don’t see why you can’t take a gander at the blueprints, since you’re the one buying the widget, after all.”
“No,” said both Flim and Flam simultaneously.
“Now wait just a darned tootin’ minute.” Applejack glared at the brothers, who had calmed down to a sharp anticipatory simmering much like a shark circling a bleeding pony. “You two gonna explain yourself?”
“Allow me, dear brother,” said Flim, casting a look at Mister Kormick. “We don’t trust you.”
“What?” Kick Kormick recoiled much the same as if he had been punched in the nose. There was something more in his reaction that Applejack was picking up off the old stallion too, a hint of wrongness in his motions and gestures that she had first put down to nerves, but now that she had a moment to think about it, reminded her far too much of Flim and Flam’s first visit to the farm. Mister Kormick scowled and turned to Applejack, spitting his words out like nails. “Young miss, I certainly hope this is not the way you treat all of your guests. Why, I’m as honest as the day is long.”
“That’s half the day, good sir,” said Flam rather sharply. “You see, this sale we’re working on is not to enrich our own pockets.”
“We have a good number of trusting investors to pay back,” added Flim.
“And we would like for them to see some return on their investment,” said Flam with a note of finality.
Applejack rubbed her chin. “You’re sayin’ if he looks at your blueprints without an agreement, he could make some gadget to do what yours does without payin’ you?”
“Why, I would never—” started Kick before Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat.
“Mister Flam had me check out the legal history of your company, Mister Kormick. You’ve got three different patents under litigation at the moment, all of which involve ponies who claim you personally stole their inventions. If you are honestly serious about purchasing this invention, and want to get a fair deal for the investors in Appleloosa like we do, we need to look into a mutual agreement before we review the blueprints and get into the details. That way if you do back out and produce a new apple sorting machine based on this prototype in violation of their patent—”
“Filed yesterday in Canterlot,” declared Spike.
“—there will be sufficient legal grounds to enjoin production of your illegally copied machine and collect damages.”
“Twi,” started Applejack, “there ain’t no need for this. Kick Kormick runs one of the most honest machine companies in all of Equestria.” She paused while Twilight’s words soaked in. “Though, I didn’t know you had three widget makers suing you.”
There was just the faintest sheen of sweat forming on Kick’s forehead while he protested, “I’m an honest businesspony.”
“Ah’m startin’ to think that’s a contradiction in terms,” said Applejack.
Twilight Sparkle produced a thick sheaf of papers. “In the event you do not want to commit to a preliminary agreement, Mister Kormick, that’s fine. We have a representative from Equestrian Harvester who will be dropping by in a few days.”
The sweat on Mister Kormick’s face was starting to get heavy now. He blustered and pointed a hoof in an accusatory fashion. “I can’t believe you would cast insinuations on my character when you have those two—” Kick’s expression shifted just the slightest, in a way that Applejack had learned from the brothers came with one doozy of an upcoming whopper “—criminals in your employ!”
He huffed in the same way a train coming out of the station would puff out steam and turned on Twilight Sparkle. “Princess Sparkle! Do you have any idea who these two are? Why, I did not recognize them at first, but now that I’ve had some time in their presence, I remember seeing them at the very heart of the Braynard Neighdoff banking scandal! Call for your guard and have them arrested at once!”
“I don’t have a guard,” said Twilight, sounding rattled at the sudden accusation.
“And I’m pretty sure this machine ain’t no part of no Manehattan banking scam. It’s all out of Appleloosa, every widget and spring.” Applejack thought for a moment. “Although there was the time between you two leaving Appleloosa and coming back. Did you spend some time in Manehattan as bankers?”
“We would never—” started Flim before Flam held a hoof over his mouth.
“Yes.” Flam held his head up and looked Applejack straight in the eye.
“Brother!” exclaimed Flim.
“It’s true,” said Flam, not breaking eye contact with Applejack for a moment.
“Don’t say that word!”
Flam nodded almost imperceptibly. “After we left Appleloosa, we worked with Braynard Neighoff for most of the last year, Miss Applejack. It was our opportunity to make it big in Manehattan and prove which of us was the best salespony. We had gold trimmed hats. Penthouse suite apartments. Corner offices in opposite corners of the building. You see, our fight over the lovely Marian had unleashed our competitive natures worse than anything before.”
Flim looked as if he were about to interrupt, but Flam kept going.
“Mister Neighdoff hired us to sell securities, bonds, stocks, anything and everything for a bit. He put us in different sections of his organization so we would not be able to compare notes about how worthless they were, until the whole thing came tumbling down.”
“You forget, dear brother of mine, we were taken just as hard as any of the other rubes,” said Flim. “We went from millions of bits changing hooves at our every word to only having the loose change in our cart, working on consignment when Granny Smith reunited us. We are just as much victims—”
The tall stallion broke off abruptly at the cries of delight from nearby where the Cutie Mark Crusaders were pulling Apple Sprout around in their wagon, although not at the suicidal speed they normally traveled. He paused with one wistful look at the laughing foal, then turned his mournful green eyes on Applejack.
“My brother is right, Miss Applejack. Both of us worked with that scam artist, and we both thought we were far more clever than everypony else involved.”
“Right until the police showed up,” said Flam.
Flim sighed. “Like normal.”
Kick Kormick was nearly beside himself with glee, and if he were a pegasus, Applejack figured he would be preening both wings at once. “There! I told you so! Lock them up, Princess Twilight, and confiscate that machine!”
Applejack growled, “Ah don’t particularly like nobody ordering my friends around, and doubly so on my property.”
“Thank you, Applejack,” said Flam.
“I think she was talking about Princess Twilight,” whispered Flim.
“Plus,” added Applejack, ignoring them both, “you was acting mighty squirrely since you first laid eyes on these two rascals, a lot like you recognized them then, but didn’t decide to speak nothing about it until your beady little eyes saw an opportunity to get your greedy hooves on that widget.”
Twilight Sparkle gave her a quelling glance, most probably to cut down the probability that Applejack’s temper was going to result in violence, which did make her take a deep breath and turn to the brothers. “Why don’t you take the APHIS machine and put it back in the barn while we talk this out with Mister Kormick?”
* ♥ *
Applejack’s entry into the barn was accomplished with far more subtlety than her normal kicking the door open and bellowing, mostly because of the foal carrier on her back but partially because of what she was afraid of finding.
Unfortunately, she was right.
The two brothers had packed most of their meager possessions on their cart and were looking lower than a rattlesnake belly, barely glancing in her direction when she slipped in the door. If she had delayed more than a few minutes more, it was most likely the barn would have been empty and she would not have been able to say her fair piece. She took a deep breath and decided to start with the least painful words first.
“Kick’s not gonna sign, and good riddance. Durned cheat. He even tried takin’ a picture of your widget, but dropped the camera an’ Big Mac mighta stepped on it once or twice.”
She might as well not have said anything, from as much reaction as she got. Even Apple Sprout on her back giving out coos of adorable ‘pick-me-up-ness’ had Flim only afford her a brief flicker of a glance before he returned to his ineffectual packing.
“Reckoned you two was going to try to pull a runner,” admitted Applejack.
“We have no choice.” Flam shuffled papers over at the parked apple sorter, separating them into neat stacks. “We’re leaving your family with rights and the blueprints for the apple sorter and every single other thing we’ve developed out of the original Appleloosa machine. If you can find somepony to license the sorter’s patent, maybe you can have them develop some of the rest of our inventions into working order. After all, we promised the Appleloosa and Dodge Junction investors a return on their bits.”
“So did that Neighdoff chap, an’ he left a whole lot more folks up in the air for a durned sight more bits. You know, you could stay and testify against that snake in the grass. You said you was in tight with him, so maybe you know something that’ll lock him up better like.”
“Nopony would believe us,” said Flam. “All of the failed investors in the Braynard Neighdoff funds will blame you if we stay here and get arrested. They’re very powerful ponies. Your family reputation will be ruined. We’ve hurt you enough already.”
“We’re all better off if we go somewhere far away.” Flim turned his back and tried to ignore Apple Sprout, who was fairly bouncing in the foal carrier in a vain attempt to get his attention. “We’ll never come back. You’ll all be better off without us and our lies.”
“Well, heck. I believe you two.” Applejack stopped and muttered to herself. “Can’t believe I said that.” She took a breath and shifted positions so Sprout would not bounce herself out of the carrier. “You two done been lying so much of your life that a little speck of truth hurts. Well, I gotta say something that hurts too. I’m gonna miss you two varmints.”
Apple Sprout put in her own opinion with a loud and enthusiastic cry.
“Well, that goes for both of us then,” said Applejack. “Ah know Granny Smith done took a shine to you even if she does grumble about it a mite, an’ Big Mac ain’t never been more monosyllabic, which for him means more than a whole herd of turtles. And I know you’ve been helpin’ those three mobile disasters with their schemes whenever my back’s turnt, so the Crusaders are gonna be awfully sad to see you go too.”
Tiring of her bouncing, Apple Sprout crouched in the foal carrier with one reaching hoof extended in the direction of her favorite playmate, then in an expression of growing frustration, called out in a clear voice.
“Dada!”
Flim stopped moving, and for one terrifying moment, Applejack thought he was going to drop over dead right there. Instead he did something far worse by sagging down onto the floor, curling up into a ball, and breaking out in heartfelt sobs.
Flam instinctively moved forward to protect his brother, looking intensely embarrassed about shielding him from a mere foal. “I’m sorry, Miss Applejack. It seems my brother developed more of an attachment with your Apple Sprout than we expected.”
“She’s my daughter!” bawled Flim with tears flowing down his cheeks in long rivlets.
Flam patted him on the shoulder and tried to pitch his voice into the most soothing tone possible, sounding honestly sympathetic. “No, she isn’t, dear brother.”
“Yes, she is.” Flim practically whimpered and curled up tighter until it seemed as if he were some sort of strange yellow hedgehog with only one pokey-out bit. Flam slowed his gentle pats to his brother as the sincerity of his tears became obvious while Apple Sprout wriggled to reach the big pony who always played with her, eventually squirting out of the foal carrier when Applejack tugged on the release string. Tiny hooves clattered across the floor, and Sprout made one giant leap into Flim’s hug, sniffling and nosing her favorite playmate until the tears slowed and Flim could breathe again, even if he still was stammering.
“I lied t-to you, B-Brother,” he said, stroking Apple Sprout’s darkish-pink mane. “I really d-did find my d-daughter in the orphanage.”
“No, you did—” Flam came to an abrupt halt and looked up at Applejack with wide eyes, then back down at his brother. After taking a breath, he lit up his horn with a soft green glow, and a pearlescent bead of light rose up from both Flim and Sprout. The lights, looking much like peas in the glow of his magic, spun around each other faster and faster until they splashed together in a silent burst of rainbow light, leaving Flam speechless.
“Well, I’ll be.” Applejack pushed her hat back further on her head, but decided to forgo any more comments for the moment even if she could talk through the growing lump in her throat. It seemed to be an honest time of reconciliation shared between the small family, just as stressful as when Princess Luna had been reunited with Princess Celestia, and the last thing they needed was some wisepony interrupting. Although she wanted to.
Once he recovered somewhat, Flam looked torn between pride and embarrassment. “She is your daughter. So you lied to me? But I’m family. Why?”
Flim did not interrupt the gentle nuzzling of his daughter more than to just barely lift his dripping nose to touch her stubby horn. “You’re family too, Sprout. I didn’t want to hurt you like I hurt your mother. I wanted you to have a better life than with some random family. I wanted you to be loved, even if I could not be there to love you. Even if it cost my brother.”
“Never.” Flam looked up from his niece, gazing at Applejack in a way that made her heart flutter. “And you could not have found a better or more loving pony to raise your daughter. She will make a wonderful Apple, raised by the best family in Equestria. Now, we need to leave before Princess Twilight returns with the law.”
“No.” Flim’s voice was almost muffled into inaudibility by the way he had his muzzle pressed into Apple Sprout’s curly mane.
“No?” asked Flam.
“I’m going to stay. Turn myself in. Do what’s right for all the ponies we helped swindle in Manehattan. My daughter deserves better than to have a wanted stallion for a father.”
“But they’ll arrest you.” Flam’s knees wobbled and he sat down. “Put you in jail. Remember our family motto? No convictions.”
Flim lowered his head. “You go on, brother of mine. Keep a place open at your side for me when I get out in a few years.”
Flam looked over to Applejack, then back to his brother. ”But we’re family. We stick together, through thick and thin times.” He looked back over at Applejack, with the darkest and most mournful green eyes. “What should I do, beautiful Applejack? Do you want me to stay?”
“Why you asking me for?” asked Applejack. “If’n you want to take responsibility for your actions, stay. Ah’ll deal with the mess, so don’t you worry your pointy head about it. On the other hoof, if’n you want to abandon the only family you got and try running away from your problems like you always did, there’s the door.” She pointed at the wide door facing the back side of the barn. “But if you do, don’t ever come back.”
The silence stretched for a long time in the barn with Flim and Apple Sprout huddled together and Flam staring down at the ground, trying to look away from everypony. Applejack grew increasingly uncomfortable with the quiet and her position ‘on the spot,’ and finally spoke up again.
“Why me?”
Flam took a breath, licked his lips, and swallowed as if he were about to say something he really did not want to. “Because I trust you. It isn’t easy for us to trust anypony, but…”
On a whim, Applejack said, “Trust? Ah trust you want more kisses.”
After due consideration, Flam nodded. “I have never before risked imprisonment for a single kiss from a beautiful mare, but for you, dearest Applejack, I would.”
Properly skeptical, Applejack gave him a sideways glance. “You’d stay, face the music, and go to jail, all for a kiss?”
“For one more kiss, yes.” He smiled in a way that went right down to his heart. “Honestly. I promise.”
Applejack thought for a moment, then moved forward before she could think herself out of it. “Ah reckon since you stole the first one, it’s only fair I get it back.”
With more time to do it right, Applejack was fairly proud of the kiss she gave now, even through the itchy mustache. After enough time to make sure the kiss counted, and a little more just to be sure, she backed off, rubbing at her lips with the back of one hoof.
“Pthah! Gonna itch for weeks.”
“Worth it.” Flam licked his lips and sounded a lot like Pinkie Pie after a frosting rampage.
“Well…. yeah,” admitted Applejack. “Jes remember your promise.”
“I remember,” said Flam with that endearing smile emerging again. “We’ll wait right here for the law.”
“No.” Applejack moved closer. “You said you’d stay for one more kiss.”
She kissed him again, for much longer this time, and once she was done, she took a step back and regarded his confused expression while she rubbed her itchy upper lip again.
“Ah expect you to keep your end of the bargain. Okay, Twi. Let ’em in.”
The back door of the barn, the one the brothers had planned on fleeing out of, opened up to reveal three Equestrian princesses, along with at least a dozen armored pegasus guards. Princess Twilight was giggling, Luna looked just as calm and passive as ever, and Celestia seemed to be sucking on her bottom lip and rolling her eyes.
Both Flim and Flam stared at the revealed princesses, then turned their eyes toward Applejack, with Flam managing to get his words out first.
“You tricked us!”
Applejack drew the side of her lips up in a smirk. “You done told me once that you can’t talk nopony into doin’ nuttin’ they don’t already want to do.”
“But—” Unable to use any more words, Flam waved a hoof at the vast majority of Equestrian Princessness gathered just a short stride away. Without a pause, Twilight Sparkle stepped forward with a smug smile of her own.
“I was suspicious of you two since you first arrived, and did the Parenting Pair-Up spell myself in secret while neither of you was looking. Since it only confirmed what you had claimed for your daughter, I didn’t say anything about it at the time. Then when Applejack told me Flim was not Sprout’s father, I knew something odd was going on. I couldn’t tell her, of course, but I could keep an eye on your activities.” Twilight proceeded to smirk even more than Applejack. “Did you know you can see almost all of Sweet Apple Acres from the top of my castle, if you use a large enough telescope?”
Stepping in for his word-struck brother, Flim rearranged Apple Sprout to get a better view of the ongoing events and spoke up quietly.
“You always said you can’t trick an honest pony, brother of mine.”
“We’re not that honest!” protested Flam. Stopping only momentarily, he turned to the group of princesses and bowed. “Beg pardon, Your Highnesses.”
Princess Celestia returned his bow with a short nod of her own. “Understandable, Mister Flam. Mister Flim.” She nodded at each in turn, ending up looking at the entranced eyes of the smallest Apple. “And you must be Apple Sprout. I’ve heard quite a lot about you, young filly. Quite nearly as much as I’ve heard about your other relatives.” Her eyes slid over to Flam. “I understand you have something you would like to tell me?”
“Your Highness.” Flam bowed again. “We would like to claim Crown’s Witness in the matter of the Neighdoff pyramid scheme, and testify to our involvement in the crime.”
Flim added, “Freely and without reservations.”
“Blert!” added Apple Sprout.
One royal eyebrow slowly ascended. “No conditions? No asking for amnesty or pardons?”
Flam shook his head. “No. Only that my brother’s child is looked after and cared for.”
“Well.” Celestia was taken aback for a moment at the confession, but recovered quickly. “I felt for certain that we would have to chase you down today. This is most unexpected.”
Luna cleared her throat.
Celestia rolled her eyes and used her magic to float a single golden bit out of the peytral around her neck, then passed it over to Luna, who tucked it away with a smug expression before addressing the brothers.
“The crimes which thou hast committed against our ponies are many. Once your part in the Neighdoff scheme is revealed, it shall not be safe for you to be outside of protective custody.”
“We can’t stay here,” said Flim, his head bowed and one foreleg crooked protectively around his daughter.
“Unfortunately, you are correct, brother of mine.” Flam kept his eyes looking at the packed earth floor of the barn, although his ears kept drifting over to point at Applejack. “I presume we are in for a rough couple of months, most probably in a Canterlot prison under tight guard while we testify to the Crown investigators.”
“So I ain’t gonna see you for a while, I suppose.” Applejack moved up to the dejected stallion, then hesitated. Turning to Celestia and Luna, she gave a brief bob of her head in an abbreviated bow. “Beg pardon, Your Highnesses. Can you wait up for a sec? I gotta go do something right quick, just to check. Ah’ll be right back.”
All three princesses watched Applejack trot out of the barn and waited patiently for whatever it was she had to do.
There was the sound of running water outside.
Then a distinctive large splash.
A few moments later, Applejack returned, although her entire head was soaked and water was running out of her mane, leaving a long wet trail behind her. She walked up to Flam, examined his baffled expression closely, then gave the puzzled stallion a long wet kiss.
“Nope,” she declared once the kiss was over. “It ain’t heatstroke.”
Now it was Celestia’s turn to look smug in the resulting silence. She cleared her throat and cast a knowing look at Luna, who rolled her eyes, floated a pair of golden bits out from behind her dark tabard, and passed them over to the Princess of the Sun.
“Thank you, Luna.” Celestia turned to Flim and held out one foreleg, catching the fascinated little foal as she floated over to the princess and was tucked in for a quick royal snuggle and nuzzle. “Mister Flim and Mister Flam, I would not be too sorrowful at this turn of events. There is no mare in all of Equestria whom I would trust more to care for your Apple Sprout while you are unable. Also, if your testimony as Crown Witnesses is determined to be truthful and whole, a certain amount of flexibility may be applied to your sentence. I understand some of the prisons have a summer work program for model prisoners, where they labor under the strict supervision of some trustworthy pony.”
Celestia turned to Applejack and let Apple Sprout climb over into her familiar embrace. “And who could be more responsible and trustworthy than one of the Elements of Harmony? Provided Applejack agrees, of course.”
“Well…” Applejack looked at the hopeful brothers and gave a terse nod. “They is awfully hard workers, if’n they’re watched careful like. We’ll see how it goes.”