Flim, Flam, and the Little Lost Apple Scam
Secrets
The days before cider season streamed by at a frantic pace, much as if Princess Celestia and Luna could not wait for their turn at the festival either, and were hustling the sun and moon along as fast as they could get away with. Applejack was starting to worry that cider season would blur past before they could get to it, and could have sworn there were a few of her dreams with a certain dark alicorn in the background, hurrying her nighttime along as fast as she could too.
If the dawn-to-dusk days they were putting in were not enough, having the sibling scam artists along to help out was similarly stressful. It wasn’t that they were causing trouble. Far from it. They were being honest, and the anticipation of their inevitable scheme was just driving Applejack up the wall.
For example, Flim had plowed into helping Big Mac with the harvest like he was a regular earth pony, working shoulder to shoulder with the big lug and even engaging him in actual conversations of more than one or two words. What was worse, Big Mac was taking a shine to young Apple Sprout as if she were his own, and even borrowed Applejack’s copy of Rooty the Rootabaga to read to her at night.
And in addition, Flam had taken to running the apple stand in town like an alligator to swamp water. With his infant niece Apple Sprout providing support for his rapid patter, the townsponies were irresistibly drawn to the sale, and the pile of bits grew far larger than she expected.
Even after she had subjected the devious louse to a daily search in the evenings, just in case he was skimming.
What was worse, Applejack could not even get angry about it. Everywhere she went, Apple Sprout and those big green eyes lurked in wait. When Apple Bloom and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders were building a swing in the back yard, the happy foal was right there in the harness being swung back and forth without even a hint of the Crusader’s normal explosions or tree sap. When Applejack brought an extra load of apples to town for Flam to sell, Apple Sprout would wave at her and insist on a quick nuzzle before she went back to the farm. Even her friends were getting in on the project, with Twilight Sparkle trying to teach the infant unicorn how to read without chewing on the book pages and Fluttershy bringing her critters over to play.
The python was too much, even if he was affectionate.
“You two’ve gotta be up to something,” grumbled Applejack during one of her trips into town. “Ah just haven’t figured it out yet.” She boosted the young foal up higher in the crook of one foreleg and nuzzled Apple Sprout. “Tell your Auntie Applejack what they’re doin’, and I’ll give ya a kiss. Kissies for Auntie Applejack?”
After a messy nuzzle with the innocent Apple, Applejack crooked an eyebrow at the nearby guilty relative. “You, I ain’t givin’ a kiss to no matter what you say.”
“It’s the moustache, isn’t it?” Flam wiggled his facial fuzz and bent down over the foal so Apple Sprout could giggle and grab at the proffered hair. “It drives the mares mad.”
“It didn’t seem to drive Marian as mad as your brother’s clean-shaven lips.” It was a spiteful and mean thing to say, but Applejack’s words did not seem to hurt him as much as she expected. Then again, the con artists were masters at hiding their emotions, and Flam deserved an apology for her cutting remark, even with his criminal history. “I’m sorry.”
“What’s that?” Flam leaned over his niece and waggled his mustache again while seemingly ignoring Applejack.
“Sorry for insulting your face.”
“Beautiful mare, it was not my face you insulted. It was my excellent choice in grooming.” He waggled his mustache again to Apple Sprout’s obvious joy. “I think you’re jealous.”
“What!” Applejack fumed, but taking her hat off and walloping the idjit would just give Apple Sprout ideas. “Ah ain’t jealous of your face caterpillar!”
“Beg pardon?” Rarity tapped her friend on the shoulder and turned Applejack around for closer inspection, particularly around the nose. “You know, darling, if you’re really wanting a moustache, I’m certain Twilight can magic you a very nice one. Almost as nice as your handsome relative here.”
“Thank you, kind lady.” Flam tipped his straw boater hat. “I presume you are here to pick up Sprout for this afternoon, fair Rarity?”
“Certainly.” Rarity used her magic to boost the foal out of Applejack’s grasp, then wrapped Sprout up in her own cuddle and rubbed noses with her. “She’s always such a good little filly for her Auntie Rares. Say Rarity. Come on. You can do it.”
Apple Sprout giggled instead, but mostly because Rarity had just blown a raspberry into her round tummy.
“Now what is this about being jealous of Flam’s magnificent mustache?” Rarity swung the foal over her back with her magic and started tucking her into the foal carrier while waiting for a reply, which did not take long despite Applejack’s spluttering and stammering.
“I am not jealous!” Applejack sat down with a thud and crossed her forelegs. “Ah’m just saying a fuzzy face like that’d tickle something awful for kissing.”
“I see,” said Rarity with a sideways flicker of the eyes while she finished tucking the young filly into the carrier. “Are we talking with the voice of experience here?”
“No!” Applejack distributed her fierce glare between the two adults who seemed to be finding humor in her discomfort.
“It never hurts to expand your limits.” Rarity actually gave the unicorn stallion a wink. “I’ll just leave you two here to experiment. Ta!”
In hindsight, Flam did not stand a chance. Rarity kissed him straight on the lips without even a chance for him to dodge, then turned and trotted off for her boutique with a girlish giggle, echoed by Sprout in the foal carrier on her back.
“You’re right, Applejack,” she called back over her shoulder. “It does tickle.”
“Well I’ll be…” Applejack turned an undiluted glare on Flam, who still looked stunned. “Now don’t you go gettin’ no ideas.”
“Of course not.” Flam rubbed his lips with the back of one hoof. “I have no intentions on your friend, Cousin Apple—” He paused, looking at the way Applejack was pulling back one hoof. “I mean friend Applejack. My intentions are in the direction of a much more preferable romantic partner. Miss Rarity is a very beautiful and elegant unicorn, but I’m afraid the two of us would… clash.”
“Yup, she ain’t gonna play second fiddle to no stallion. Particularly one who done one of her friends wrong.” Applejack suppressed a grim chuckle. “An’ you thought it were tough to run someplace in Equestria where there weren’t no Apples. Cross her an’ she’d track you down even in the Dragonlands. Heck, she’d probably just send a note to Dragonlord Ember an’ have one of her dragons bring you back lightly toasted.”
Flam’s smile became somewhat strained. “Dragonlord? As in—”
“Close friend of Spike’s, from what I’ve heard. He dotes on Rares something special, so if’n you’re even thinking about a scheme which would put Rarity in the least bit of danger—” Applejack’s eyes narrowed “—like whatever you and your scheming brother are up to, you better think twice, then think again.”
After a brief coughing fit, Flam held one hoof across his chest. “I assure you, our project is perfectly—” He stopped and quickly put his hoof back on the ground. “I mean—”
“You two slimy stinkers are up to something,” hissed Applejack, keeping her voice low to avoid attracting any attention from the rest of the market. “Spill it.”
“I would love to tell you, but I can’t.” Flam placed one hoof over his chest again, most probably where his shriveled heart was supposed to be located. “My brother and I swore each other to secrecy, but I can tell you there’s absolutely nothing criminal or even the least shade of unethical involved. Our trees have turned over a new leaf with the birth of our Apple Sprout, and we wanted to express our appreciation to your family for the acceptance you all have shown us. Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow.” Applejack fought back a fierce frown. “Cider day.”
“Yes.” Flam gave out no further information, but he did wriggle his mustache slightly.
“If it weren’t for your niece, I’d kick both of your scheming hides back out onto the road,” growled Applejack. “Aunt Orange is still looking up branches in the family tree, an’ she ain’t found no sign of your relatives yet. She did find a couple of petty crooks who changed their names a bunch of times, so we ain’t givin’ up yet.”
“Con ponies.” Flam turned his back on Applejack and dealt with several customers in a row. Despite her fuming undercurrent of fury, she could not help but notice the way the handsome unicorn smiled and made small talk for the customers while sacking the purchases, but his ‘serious’ face reappeared the moment he turned back to her.
“Taken from the word ‘confidence’ of course, hence the phrase ‘being taken into one’s confidence’ as an expression of trust. The world does not simply run on friendship, magic, and two alicorn sisters. It runs on trust, Miss Applejack. We trust Princess Celestia will raise the sun every morning and Princess Luna will raise the moon at night. We trust the train will arrive somewhere close to when it is scheduled. Ponies come to this stand fully trusting that they will find the finest apples in the land at reasonable prices.” Flam indicated the cashbox of the apple stand, filled with golden bits. “There is no exception to the extension of trust, of course, including money.”
“Ah ain’t had no problem trusting money,” said Applejack with a suspicious glare. “Bits is bits.”
“But why would somebody trade perfectly good apples for a simple fleck of golden metal?” Flam used his magic to pluck one of the bits out of the till and hovered it in front of Applejack. “You can’t eat one, they’re not comfortable to sleep on, and they don’t make a musical tune. Yet I know that I can take this bit over to Quills and Sofas to buy some of their excellent writing instruments, or over to Sugarcube Corner and purchase a muffin.”
“Two,” said Applejack. “It’s Muffin Monday.”
“Two.” Flam nodded. “There’s a special magic in money. It grows. If you have one bit, you want two, and when you have two, four, and so on. It’s called greed when it gets out of hoof, but if not for the desire for more, Equestria would be a dull place indeed. Sweet Apple Acres would be just a couple of apple trees for your family’s personal use and a shack. The balance between greed and trust keeps the economy going and growing.”
“Trust? You ain’t never tried to get no loan from Silver Certificate down at the bank,” scoffed Applejack. “Them bankers don’t trust nopony. Ya haveta sign away half the farm to afford to be able to upgrade the other.”
Flam twitched as if he had been suddenly pricked by a pin. “Borrow at two, lend at three, be home by four is a myth. Be assured, friend Applejack, that bankers are just as greedy as the rest of Equestria. They just hide it better and do it bigger. Skyscratchers and cruise ships, bridges across raging rivers and massive dams to tame them. My brother and I have traveled the length and breadth of this great country, and the money we have made from our projects is naught but a puff of wind when compared to the hurricane of lies and deceit in the highest hallways of finance when projects grow to that scale.”
“So you’re sayin’ we should trust you ’cause you ain’t as crooked as some other important ponies.” Applejack took a deep breath. “Trust ain’t nothing you get in one big lump. It’s like an apple tree, an’ you gotta grow it, one leaf at a time. You two trust Rarity and the rest of my friends to look after your little one, an’ I trust you enough to run the apple stall here at the market, but you’ve got a long uphill road ahead of you to get out of the hole you done dug.”
Flam took off his hat and held it across his chest. “All I ask is for is a shovel and your beautiful face to guide me along that path.”
“Humph.” Applejack turned around and began shrugging into the harness of the small cart she had used to bring the additional apples for the afternoon sales. “You ain’t gonna sway me with no fancy words like you did Marian.”
“No, of course not.” Flam’s words sounded suspiciously flat, and once she had secured the cart harness across her back, Applejack spared him a glance. Underneath that smarmy mustache, there was just the smallest hint of regret, but it vanished the moment Flam realized he was being watched and put his normal eager expression back on.
“So, I will see you this evening.” Using his magic, Flam waved his hat and gave a short bow. “Until then, Miss Applejack. I’m looking forward to the traditional search.”
“You would,” she grumbled before turning and trotting back to the farm and her afternoon chores.
Still, while Applejack worked for the rest of the day, she could not help but wonder just how a mustache would feel in a kiss.
* ♥ *
Dawn found the Apple family, both the original branches and the questionable twigs, working just as hard as possible getting out the equipment and preparing the apple baskets. It took away all of Applejack’s thoughts about an itchy upper lip, much as she had dreamed last night and durned if she wasn’t gonna give Princess Luna heck for that the next time she dropped by Ponyville.
Thankfully, neither of the princesses was in line this morning, but all of Applejack’s friends were pitching in and helping with the process, and things were looking pretty good…
...until Flim and Flam wheeled a large machine out of the barn and over next to the cider press.
“Before you say anything,” started Flim.
“Just let us have one fair shake,” continued Flam.
Apple Sprout just giggled and blew a spit bubble.
“We took all of the lessons we learned after our minor… problem in Appleloosa and Dodge Junction, and put together a device without attempting to overdo it like we did there.” Flim patted the conveyer belt of the fairly large machine, which did look a lot simpler than the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, and about a fifth the size of the mechanical monstrosity from Appleloosa.
“Runs on unicorn magic or with this treadmill,” said Flam. “The apples come down that chute and through a series of inspection devices to sort them into various grades, from the sticks and twigs over at that end, to pure cider squeezing apples at this end. And,” he added with a mark of pride, “the quality control on this device cannot be turned off.”
Ever so slowly, all eyes turned to Applejack.
She wanted to shout at them, to scream until her throat hurt and kick the two dishonest unicorns down the road for as long as she could stand their corrupt stench. The angry words she had heard from Marian echoed in her head, but on the other side, she could still see Princess Luna, who had betrayed all of Equestria and still been accepted back by her sister without reservation.
“Set it up,” she growled. “We’ll see how it works. An’ both Granny and Rarity will be checking every apple that comes off the end before it goes into the cider press.”
* ♥ *
To Applejack’s mixed displeasure, it went fairly well.
That’s not to say everything about cider day was perfect, but with her friends helping and both of the scheming unicorns too busy working to scheme, they managed to keep the line of Ponyville townsfolk moving faster than it had in years. Even Applejack’s keen sense of taste could not pick out any differences in this year’s liquid crop. It was a comforting time of happiness, family, and friends that even managed to block out most of the irritation she was trying not to direct at the bothersome brothers, and the sun fairly dashed across the sky to the sounds of drinking ponies and clinking bits in the cash drawer.
By the time the sun had almost touched the horizon, some internal clock seemed to click in everypony in the vicinity. Most of the customers said their goodbyes, and with the extra assistance of friends and neighbors, they got all of the equipment dragged back to the barn for washing up before the moon rose.
“I’ve never worked so hard in my life,” said Pinkie Pie, who had draped herself across a fence and was waving gently in the evening breeze.
“My legs hurt,” moaned Flam, who had been taking turns on the cider press treadmill. “My tail hurts, and my mustache hurts. How can a mustache hurt?”
“How much can my hooves hurt?” groaned Rainbow Dash. “I must have run half the day on that treadmill. Big Mac never even stopped. But it’s worth it.” She sprawled out on her back with both wings spread out and used a straw to sip from the full mug resting on her chest. “So much cider…”
Flim, who had the excuse of carrying his daughter part of the day, said nothing. To Applejack’s critical eye, he had the look of somepony hiding a terrible secret, but that could be excused by his base nature and his attention to a loose diaper. Still, from what Twilight had mentioned about overusing magic, he must have been going through one humdinger of a headache with as much magical lifting and carrying as he had done today due to filling in for the work a certain grass-seed-forgetting pony had avoided by ‘forgetting’ to show up like he promised.
Now that the work was over for the day, Applejack had to say something about Flim and Flam’s apple sorter, but she was struggling to hold back her natural tendencies. Granny always said the Apple temper came with the family just like seeds, and that since Big Mac didn’t get none of it, she got a whole heaping pile of it instead. Every single seed of that anger inside just itched to be let out on those two scallywags, and if it weren’t for her friends, her neighbors, and that adorable unicorn foal, Applejack would have unloaded on them.
She swallowed, looked at the infernal machine, and confronted the giant blank sheet of emptiness that floated up in her mind instead of words. Thankfully, or more unthankfully, her neighbor Golden Harvest spoke first.
“That’s a pretty fine machine there, Applejack. You mind if I borrow it this fall for my carrot harvest? Separating and grading them has always been the hardest part.”
“Why of cour—” Flam stopped and looked over at Applejack, then slowly sat back down and nodded. “I wouldn’t want to speak for Miss Applejack.”
“Ain’t stopped you yet,” growled Applejack. She took a deep breath to cool her temper down to something more like a simmer. “Ah think it’d work, but these two numbskulls need to do a few tweaks to the gadget first.” She indicated the dozen apples set to one side which Granny Smith had rejected out of the final sorting before the rest had gone into the cider press.
“It could be a minor calibration error,” suggested Flim with less of a predatory purr to his voice than Applejack expected. “I really don’t see anything different about these than the rest of them.”
“Eat one,” said Applejack.
Like the good neighbor and friend she was, Golden Harvest took the foal that Flim floated over to her and cooed over Sprout like she was one of her own. Freed of his burden for the moment, Flim floated the apple in question over to himself, examined it in great detail, then took a bite.
Then a second, and a third, until the apple was half-gone and he passed it over to his brother, who repeated the sampling exercise.
“It’s ripe,” admitted Flam with a puzzled frown.
“But not quite right for cider,” said Flim, duplicating his brother’s expression almost perfectly.
“It’s too red.” Applejack picked up one of the apples from the reject pile and pointed to the fine pattern between the red skin and the paler underneath. “It were probably cider-ripe a week ago, but now it’s just enough over the edge to be an eatin’ apple.”
Big Mac spoke up. “Or cobbler.”
Flam continued to look considerably baffled. “It’s amazing. I never would have been able to taste the difference before.”
“Maybe you’re an Apple after all,” suggested Apple Bloom, who to that point had been blessedly silent.
“Bite your tongue,” said Applejack.
* ♥ *
After hustling the rest of the crowd over to the house for dinner and a shower, not necessarily in that order, Applejack went over to where Twilight was examining the machine. She had taken one of the covers off to expose a line of sparkling circuitry, and seemed almost oblivious to the outside world until Applejack spoke.
“What’s the matter, sugarcube?”
Twilight stopped examining the device in order to take a quick look around the empty farmyard, then promptly went back to her intense inspection. “I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but the serial number on this thaumaturgic inverter matches the one from the bigger machine in Appleloosa.”
Applejack was stunned. “No, can’t be. That one’s still back in the warehouse. Them two unicorns from the city done gone and put it back in after…” She took a long breath to avoid growling at her friend. “Them varmints.”
Twilight Sparkle did not show any signs of noticing Applejack’s outburst while she continued to work her way down an exposed crystalline board with her nose almost pressed against the part. “This custom bit of thaumaturgical circuit here matches one on the original machine, and this one here. There’s no real doubt. These are parts from their other machine we saw in Appleloosa, but reconfigured.” She paused to straighten up and look at the machine as a whole. “It seems to work pretty well, too. The entire day and it only missed twelve apples.”
“They had to have snuck it onto a freight car while we was over at the library,” grumbled Applejack, looking over her shoulder at the barn. “And hid it inside mah own barn right under mah nose.”
“It needs some cleanup work and standardization,” continued Twilight, “but it could be mass produced.”
Lowering her voice to a fierce grumble, Applejack said, “Ah should have listened to Golden Harvest when she was talking about playin’ with Sprout that day. Them two snakes must have conned her into watching the foal while they was off stealing the evidence against them.”
“There are a few equipment companies who could license the patent,” said Twilight while putting the cover back over the circuit she had been examining. “Well, once they get it patented.”
“They can con the ponies in Appleloosa, Dodge Junction, and Ponyville at the same time this way.” Applejack restrained herself from bucking a hole in the apple sorter. “Blasted varmints.”
“The fees could bring in enough money to pay off the investors, and maybe even bring in a profit,” said Twilight while fiddling with a stubborn catch to the equipment cover.
Applejack stopped. “What?”
Twilight Sparkle turned away from the machine to look at Applejack. “I said their apple-sorting machine could wind up paying back the investors in both Appleloosa and Dodge Junction. It could help make up for their crime.”
“How can you say that?” Applejack fought to keep from shouting at her friend and was only partially successful. “They done ripped off mah relatives in Appleloosa, then used my trust to steal away the evidence against them and put the pieces back together for whatever their low-down scheme is now! It’s a scam, Twilight. If’n those two are behind it, they mean to use it to cheat and steal from innocent ponies.”
Twilight Sparkle started to respond, then glanced past her at the moon which had just risen over the horizon while they were talking. “You’re tired and angry, Applejack. Why don’t we go get something to eat and some sleep, then we can talk about this tomorrow.”
“That won’t change the facts. They lied, Twilight. They lied to the ponies of Appleloosa and Dodge Junction, and they lied to me. How am I supposed to be the Element of Honesty if I let those two liars get away with this?”
Twilight did not respond at first, but Applejack could see the image of the newly risen moon reflected in her eyes. “Luna betrayed her own sister, attacked her, and was banished to the moon for a thousand years, but when she returned, Celestia forgave her. She accepted her sister back into her life and they both accepted each other, betrayer and betrayed. We’re not perfect ponies. We have to forgive each other for the wrongs we do, or we all would accumulate a crushing burden. Forgiveness is just as much of an Element of Harmony as any of them, yours and mine included.”
Cutting her first profanity down to a quiet ‘harrumph,’ Applejack took a few breaths to calm down before responding. “Forgiveness don’t matter to them two. It’s just another weakness for them to exploit and hurt other ponies harder the second time.”
After staring at the moon for a while longer, Twilight slowly shook her head. “So what has Apple Sprout done? Is her father’s crime so evil that it makes the foal evil too? Should we take away her father to punish her for something she hasn’t done?”
Twi had a way of cutting straight to the root of the matter and exposing the truth that made Applejack wince. “Ah don’t know. Mah pappy done told me that bein’ an Apple was in my blood, an’ that made us good right down to the core. Ah don’t want it to work the other way. Apple Sprout is just like a sweet little apple bud.”
“So you want to punish Flim, who seems to be trying to make up for his crime, by locking him away from the child he loves?”
“No!” Applejack scowled and looked down at the ground, the good, solid, trustworthy ground that the Apple family had relied on for many years. “Ah don’t know.”
“You want to protect Apple Sprout. I can understand that. She’s young and helpless, and needs a big, strong pony to protect her,” said Twilight. “Someday, that bud will grow into a big, beautiful Apple just as strong and protective as you are. But I have to ask. Are you being protective, or selfish? Are you wanting to send Flim and Flam to prison so you can keep Apple Sprout for yourself?”
Staring at the dirt for a while did not give Applejack any answers, or at least none that she wanted to accept. Instead, she turned for the house. “Come on in and let’s get some grub, Twi. It’ll make more sense in the morning.”