Flim, Flam, and the Little Lost Apple Scam
Sunday’s Child is Fair of Face
The next few days fairly flew past. Applejack had sent off her letter to Aunt Orange and really was not expecting a response for at least a week. She was such a busy pony, and the Orange side of the family records were huge, so it was going to take up a lot of her time to look through them.
Applejack even had Pinkie Pie carry a letter to Goldie Delicious so they could check on the Apple side of the tree, just in case. The rapid response just made Applejack wonder harder because it turned out Marian was related by marriage several links up in the Apple clan tree, making Apple Sprout one of her relatives even if the brothers were both lying. More surprising was Goldie Delicious had included a note about a distant relative who provided a link to Twilight’s side of the family, possibly and only if Apple Pi were not some sort of misprint.
Harvest was a much more sensible task. Apple Sprout most certainly was an Apple, because she never got tired of riding in the foal carrier while Applejack was bucking trees. She would “Whee!” whenever Applejack bent her head down and lashed out with both back hooves, and giggled at the sound of apples impacting all around her into the baskets placed for their transportation. The process even went faster than she would like to admit, because although the two scoundrels were slimy salesponies full of tricks, they threw their backs into the job in front of them and stacked or unstacked baskets onto the wagons just as fast as Big Mac could trot back and forth between the harvesting field and the barn.
Flam even turned out to be a fairly good conversationalist, once the top layer of slime was scraped away. He had tales of cities from one end of Equestria to another and even overseas, always buying or selling something and always unjustly pursued by unsatisfied customers of various species when they departed.
“What I just don’t understand is why you and your brother always gotta be tryin’ to pull a scam of one sort or the other?” said Applejack while lining up for another kick. “I hate to admit it, but that darned contraption of yours was pretty good at what it did, at least until you pulled out the stops and it started shovin’ sticks and rocks into the cider.”
“The curse of the capitalist.” Flam gave out a grunt of effort while using his magic to pick up baskets and put them on the wagon. His skill at stacking was increasing about at the same rate his fatigue was kicking in, but he was still managing to get a wagon all stacked to the top just a minute or two before Big Mac would come huffing and puffing over the hill with an empty wagon to trade, with the previous wagon being unloaded back at the barn by Flim.
Normally, Applejack competed with her brother in the harvesting, with both of them always keeping silent count of how many times they each had completed their own section of the mutual job before the other had finished bucking or unloading baskets. Having an extra on each end of the process was awful darned useful, and she guessed they were progressing along the harvest better than twice as fast as when it was just the two of them. Plus, it was pretty nice to have somepony to talk to while working, and she suspected that because of the city unicorn’s silence about any personal aches and pains, he was enjoying the sweaty work in the orchard as much as she was.
Flim hefted another basket from under the tree and put it on the wagon, pausing to wipe the back of a forehoof across his dripping face. “We are fully aware of the money to be made in all aspects of business, but there is always one more bit or just a bit more we can push our plans until everything falls apart. Like our foray into the world of apple-scented perfume.”
“Yeah, you told me about that one,” said Applejack while trotting over to the next tree. “You got ramped up right before bee season.”
“Perhaps it comes of being siblings. Being so close, my brother and I have always competed without the barriers others are accustomed to.” Flam gave a smirk of satisfaction as he placed the last basket of apples on the top of the wagon without Big Mac having made his appearance yet. “Still, as your Granny Smith recently taught us, together we are a far better team than apart.”
“Except when it comes to mares,” said Applejack.
“Yes.” The sweaty unicorn sat down and ran a kerchief over his face before looking up at Applejack, who was bringing over the water jug. “I’ve always had worse luck with the mares than my brother. I believe it is the mustache.”
“That impressive catter-piller what took root on your face?” Applejack took a deep drink from the burlap-covered waterjug and poured some water over her head before passing the jug over to Flam. “You might be right there. Somethin’ like that would tickle fierce, I suppose.”
“I never thought of it that way.” Flam took a long, long drink and sprinkled one quick dribble of water over his straw boater hat, which was beginning to show a respectable amount of farm dirt in its coloring.
“You probably ain’t kissed him then, I suppose. Just because Apple Sprout giggles when you’re mooching her, don’t mean all mares like that kind of bristle brush in their face.” Applejack twisted around and got the happy foal out of her carrier, but kept a hoof close by while Apple Sprout promptly rolled over and over in the grass under the apple tree where they were taking their impromptu break. “Ah still don’t get why he did such a durned fool thing as takin’ a mare to bed when she’d been makin’ eyes at you.”
“I’ve asked myself the same question, Miss Applejack.” Flam took a moment to smile at his tiny niece, who had just discovered fluffy dandelions and the way they let their fluff fly when breathed into. “I’m afraid I’ll have to plead male on both of our behalfs.”
“It weren’t really you two’s fault if’n—” Applejack came to a sudden halt and took another drink of water. “Must be heatstroke.”
“I should have listened more to how she was saying what she was saying, I suppose,” said Flam with a sigh. “I’m starting to think there’s something in a mare’s head that keeps them from saying just exactly what they really mean when they’re talking to a stallion. I mean if I think a mare’s attractive, and I tell her, that’s fairly plain. I say, ‘Hello, Miss Applejack. You are quite attractive and I would like to spend time with you.’ Mares are really good at feeling, but they just don’t say what they think in a logical fashion.”
“We do too,” said Applejack with only some minor bristling.
“You’re supposed to be the Element of Honesty, Miss Applejack.” Flam favored her with a sideways glance while keeping one hoof ready to catch Sprout when she inevitably would lose interest in what she was doing and head elsewhere. “What would you say to me if you thought I was attractive, and wanted to give me a kiss?”
“That’s a danged fool thing to argue,” said Applejack. “If’n I thought you were attractive, I’d say so, no ifs, buts or coconuts. Then I’d go dunk my head in the water trough up by the barn because I’d be suffering heatstroke, obviously.”
“But how would you say it?” asked Flam. “Miss Marian used to call me ‘well-organized’ and my brother ‘properly punctual.’ How are we supposed to know which one of us she favors with language like that?”
Since her head was itching, Applejack took her hat off and dropped it over the unicorn filly, who thought it was just the greatest thing. After a quick ear-scratch, she confronted the question, but with more than a touch of discomfort. “Twi’s a librarian, and she’s pretty durned focused on keeping the library organized, but by whatever she considers ordered, I suppose. Still, she wigs out whenever she’s even the least bit late to something. Ah can’t say for sure what she meant either, except it’s pretty obvious who got closer to Marian.”
“Hindsight is always more accurate than sight.” Flam floated a loose apple off the ground and took a bite. “Language is supposed to be for communication. My brother and I have talked with ponies all over the world.”
“Twistin’ their words to make a few bits,” added Applejack.
“Using their words to show how greedy they were.” Flam tossed a few more loose apples into an empty basket while waiting on Big Mac to show. “You can’t talk somepony into doing something they don’t want to do in the first place. You can’t trick an honest pony. Everypony we sold to thought they were going to get something more than what they were paying for.”
“Not me,” grumbled Applejack. “You hit the Apple family right where it hurt, sayin’ how you could do somethin’ better than what we been doin’ for generations. It weren’t greed you hit me with, it was pride.”
“Pride or insecurity?” asked Flam. “If indeed you were secure in your knowledge that the Apple family cider was the best in Equestria, you would not have been so eager to prove yourself. And as you admitted, the product our device provided was comparable with your own, at least before we got greedy.”
It took a few minutes, but eventually Applejack admitted, “Ah suppose.” She scooped up the unicorn foal, who had just spotted a fascinating butterfly headed for something most probably dangerous and distant. “What did you think you were gonna do after you took over our farm?”
“Build it up. Make it better. Take over more farms and build better machines to harvest and plant until we controlled the whole valley. Maybe all of Equestria. Thousands of farms and factories, all churning out food and smoke and machines…” He paused with the half-eaten apple floating in front of his face.
“It don’t sound like your world would be a very nice place to raise a foal.” Applejack held Apple Sprout cradled in one foreleg, feeling the sun-warmed heat of her coat against her chest and the wriggles she was making in order to escape to freedom. The sounds of Big Mac trotting in their direction were beginning to grow in the background, so she did not have much time to admonish the insensitive stallion before it would be time to get back to work. “Maybe you shoulda thought of that afore trying to scam a couple of honest ponies out of their life. Maybe you shoulda thought about that afore your brother got some innocent young librarian with foal. Maybe you should have—”
“Applejack!” Princess Twilight Sparkle waved from where she was trotting along beside Big Mac, with no empty wagon in sight. “I’ve got the train tickets ready for you and Big Mac for our trip to Appleloosa, but we need to leave soon if we’re all going to get to the train station an hour before boarding.”
“Train?” Applejack looked over at Flam, who shrugged. “Ah didn’t know we were takin’ a trip to see Braeburn today.”
“I have it all worked out,” said Twilight while pulling a sheaf of paper out of her sidesaddle bag. “I’ve got the tickets, the schedule, copies of my correspondence with the investors in Dodge Junction and Appleloosa, my letter to you and Big Mac with all the details…” She paused with the loose piece of paper flapping in the gentle breeze blowing through the apple trees in the orchard. “Oops?”
“Just a minor communication mixup, Your Highness,” said Flam, scooping his niece out of Applejack’s forelegs. “Applejack and I were just talking about something similar. My brother and I will be happy to watch the farm while you’re gone and give it back upon your return,” he added with a sly smile. “We promise.”
* ♥ *
“Ah ain’t happy about this,” grumbled Applejack in the dining car of the train as it clattered along on the way to Appleloosa. An untasted salad sat on the table in front of her, although Big Mac had already finished his and was casting small envious glances at the heaps of lettuce and croutons she was ignoring. “And it ain’t just because we’re leaving them two scammers alone back at home. Ah don’t see why the ‘investors’ in their project had to pull both me and Big Mac into this.”
“I may have accidentally told them about Flim and Flam working on your farm to raise the money to pay them back,” said Twilight. She grimaced and shuffled a few sheets of paper filled with scribbled numbers. “It was all I could do to keep them from coming to Ponyville. That’s why I didn’t want to bring Spike along. Things could get nasty.”
Applejack grunted. “Well, don’t we need to go to both towns?”
“It’s better for us to meet with them all at once in Appleloosa,” admitted Twilight with a guilty rub to the back of her neck. “Every one of them has a different story, and the amount of money they say they’ve lost keeps changing. I couldn’t make sense of it just from their letters, so I thought going and talking to them in one place would work out better. After we’re all done, I thought we could take a trip to Dodge Junction and find the best way to talk to Marian about—” Twilight lowered her voice to a whisper “—the foal.”
“Ah don’t know if it’s a good idea to bring that right up to her, Twi.” Now it was Applejack’s turn to rub the back of her neck. “Ah mean she’s a country librarian, and havin’ a princess come right up to her and start talkin’ about the foal she gave up for adoption would be more than a mite intimidating. Ah thought you would try and kinda work around the back end of the problem, talk to the adoption agency in Canter Creek where she was put up or somethin’ like that.”
“I found out that not even a princess can get access to the adoption records without the permission of both parents.” Twilight produced a sheaf of papers with ‘Denied’ stamped all over them. “I didn’t think it was a good idea to interview Flim about Apple Sprout before we met with the investors, because you said you wanted to keep this quiet, and if they are up to something with that innocent foal, I didn’t want to scare them off before we obtained hard evidence against them. That really only leaves one option. We have to go to Dodge Junction and talk to Marian.”
“Then there ain’t no option,” said Applejack bluntly. “Ah ain’t gonna drag her through this just because of a couple of scheming scoundrels. If’n you can’t find out about Apple Sprout’s adoption through regular means, we’re just gonna have to trust…” Applejack swallowed and jammed her hat down tighter on her head. “We’ll have to trust those two not to be lyin’ again. Aunt Orange will be able to tell us if’n they’re really kin, an’ if they’re not…”
Big Mac gently placed one forehoof against the other and tapped his horseshoes together.
“That’s not what I mean,” growled Applejack. “Jus’ because they lie to us on one thing don’t mean they ain’t lyin’ to us on another. Flim seems right concerned about that foal, jus’ like he’s the real pappa. And I ain’t kickin’ no innocent foal out onto the countryside no matter what kind of scoundrel she’s got for a pappa.”
Appleloosa was the same as it had been the last time Applejack had visited, but only a smidge more dusty and with a lot more suspicious looks. There was an actual delegation from both Dodge Junction and Appleloosa standing on the train station platform to greet Princess Twilight and the Apple family, but no smiles there either, and no sign of Braeburn, which proved he was smarter than he looked.
The group of ponies were familiar to Applejack, and kept mostly to their town’s side of the crowd, except for their spokespony, Cherry Jubilee, who was standing in front with the largest frown out of the entire group. Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped forward with a broad smile to greet them, but Cherry spoke first.
“Twilight Sparkle, I hope you’ve dragged those two crooks along with you so we can lock them up.” The gathered group of ponies which Applejack was trying not to think of as a mob growled agreement in a most unfriendly way, which set Twilight was temporarily aback at their hostility. She paged quickly through her collection of notecards while Big Mac was no help, leaving Applejack to step forward and give her friend a few minutes to restore her composure.
“Now hold on there a minute,” she said with just as much force in her words as she could muster. The thought of those two scoundrels behind bars did not hold as much appeal to her now as it did before she had been introduced to Apple Sprout, but it still was just a mite tempting, and she really had doubts about which group she belonged in. “We’re here to listen to your piece about them two varmints… I mean salesponies, but we ain’t lockin’ them up without a trial.”
“They took my money!” shouted one pony, promptly followed by several others until the whole crowd was shouting.
“We got that already!” bellowed Applejack with enough volume to shut them all up for a moment. “Once we get figured out who done gave what money to who for what, we’ll figure out what to do about it!”
“Lock ’em up!” chorused several of the ponies, although quieter than before.
“Is that gonna get yer money back?” Applejack snorted and pawed one hoof. “They done showed up in Ponyville without a bit to their name. Lessin’ you think you can squeeze bits out of their greasy yellow hides, y’all need to sit down and listen to Twilight.”
“Um… Thank you, Applejack.” Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat and arranged her notecards. “The first thing I’m going to need is a general overview of Flim and Flam’s activities in both towns during the time in question a year ago. For starters, what did you pay your money for, sir?” She looked directly at the loudest pony, who hesitated at the sudden royal attention and swallowed once before responding in a much quieter tone of voice.
“Um… Princess Twilight. You see… I’m Quick Curd and I’ve got this yogurt plant in Appleloosa where we get our cherries from Miss Jubilee in Dodge Junction.” The pony nodded at Cherry Jubilee so briskly that his cowpony hat almost fell off. “The quality of the incoming cherries has always been pretty good, but every once in a while, a bad one or two slips through—”
“I’ll bet those two rascals slipped some bad cherries into the batch,” snapped Cherry, looking anything but happy. “We didn’t have any problems with our quality control until they came into town.”
The pony fidgeted and bit his bottom lip before continuing. “Like I said, we don’t normally get very many bad cherries in our shipments, but Flim and Flam promised us a cherry separator that would catch every single bad cherry that slips through. Part of their Cherry-Master 7000 includes this magical quality control device that can be tuned to reject even the slightest flaws in the incoming product.”
“Yeah, we done seen that in their last contraption,” muttered Applejack. “I suppose part of that gadget harvests ’em too, right?”
The pony glanced over at Cherry Jubilee with a rather guilty expression, and the cherry farmer spoke up. “Yes it does, or at least it was supposed to. Those two scammers went to each of us in turn with a different name for their device and cut a separate deal where we would invest in their project and they would split the profits evenly with us. The problem is they promised each of us a fifty-fifty split.”
“That seems fair,” said Twilight. “They provide the technical expertise and you provide the funding, and you split the profits.”
“Um, Twi?” Applejack shuffled a forehoof in the dusty ground. “You’re missin’ part of what they been saying.”
“I don’t think so,” said Twilight with her head cocked to one side and a thoughtful look on her face. “Fifty-fifty means half for the investors and half for the innovators. You see, there are only one hundred percentum in a whole object. It’s not like they promised each of the investors in each town…” Twilight blinked several times at the concept of somepony violating basic numbers in such a disgraceful fashion. “It wasn’t an accident, was it?”
“Nope,” said Applejack. “Ah really doubt it.”
“That’s… Why would… It’s basic division,” she finished as a weak protest.
“More like subtraction,” said Applejack. “Y’all got a place around here where we can sit down and wrangle out the particulars of this here scheme? An’ if somepony could get Twilight a glass of water, that’d be nice too.”
Big Mac cleared his throat.
“Yeah, I suppose so,” said Applejack. “Afore we get into the numbers, mah brother would like to take a look at this contraption and see if’n it was just as full of hot air and promises as them two scoundrels.”
“That’s a good idea, Big Mac.” Faced with a problem which could be solved by quill and ink, Twilight Sparkle pulled a notebook out of her bag. “We can get an inventory of the parts in the device and compare them to the receipts I’ve gathered to see if there are any discrepancies. Part of any criminal fraud investigation is to see if liquidating the project can produce enough bits to pay the investors back most of their initial investment.”
“I was promised a hefty return on my bits!” declared one of the onlookers.
“An’ you ain’t gonna get it,” snapped Applejack right back. “That’s just what those two do. They hornswoggle ponies into thinking they’re gonna get something for nuthin or at least next to it. And that’s what they get too, is nuthin. They play you for your greed until all you can see is that big pile of bits in the future an’ you don’t pay no nevermind to the pile of bits you lose in the process. If’n you can get most of your money back, you’re lucky!”
“Easy for you to say,” shouted another pony in the crowd. “You didn’t lose any money!”
“Ah came durned near to losin’ my family farm to them two slimy snakes because I was too durned proud to see how I was bein’ played!” she snapped back. “An’ Granny, she plum near got herself hurt because she believed their line of hooey about that worthless tonic of theirs.”
“You mean this stuff is no good?” A scrawny stallion with buck teeth pushed his way up to the front of the crowd while carrying a familiar-looking bottle. “They said it would—”
“The only use that durned tonic has is Granny found it mixed pretty well with her rheumatism medicine.”
And drops it down about fifty proof so it goes down smoother.
“Well then, why are you protecting them?”
Applejack scowled. “Because they deserve an honest chance to make things better, even if I think they’re just cooking up another scheme. Ah’d do that for any of ya, stranger or kin. They may have took advantage of both of your towns, but we can stick together and help each other through this. Who knows, maybe some good will come of all of this.”
“That’s right, Applejack.” Twilight looked up from where she had been taking notes. “For example, Quick Curd there.” She pointed her quill at the suddenly hesitant yogurt producer. “You said your yogurt production has issues whenever the product you buy from Cherry Jubilee has a bad cherry or two in it. Have you ever told her about the problem?”
“Uhh…” The chubby stallion ran one milk-white hoof around the inside of his shirt collar neck. “Not exactly. I haven’t had time.”
Cherry Jubilee prodded the reluctant stallion with the tip of one hoof. “That’s not true, Quick. Every week it seems you’re over to Dodge Junction, wanting to look over some aspect of production with me. Why, we spent so much time together this summer, some ponies around town said they thought we was courting.”
“Maybe we should show the princess the equipment we confiscated,” said Quick Curd rather rapidly. “It’s right this way, in one of the city warehouses.”
After a brief squabble to determine their agenda for the day, the group set off to the warehouse in question. At least the shouting had died down to a low grumbling while the group of Appleloosans guided their guests through town, which gave Twilight Sparkle a chance to slip up beside Applejack and have a few private words.
“They certainly seem angry at us,” whispered Twilight as they walked.
“Not really,” said Applejack with a sharp look around at the angry investors, who kept their distance. “They’re just plain angry, Twi. An’ since they ain’t got the ponies that cheated them here to be angry at, they’re angry at the ponies they got. I know just how they feel too, because every time one of those city ponies told about how they got hornswoggled by those two scoundrels, I see myself betting the farm just on account of our Apple family pride.”
“Do you think you did the right thing, taking them in like that?” Twilight Sparkle lowered her voice and looked around, most likely looking for her fellow librarian. “I mean they are trying to make things right for their foal, but I don’t think it’s right not to tell Marian about how the father isn’t quite as bad as she might think he is. The two of them could have just vanished off into some far corner of Equestria instead of coming to you with their daughter. I mean niece. Daughter and niece.”
Applejack laid her ears back and frowned despite herself. “Ah still can’t help but think this is all some big scheme of theirs, even with Sprout. Ah’ll bet that barn that the Appleloosa investors done put their latest widget into ain’t full of nuttin’ but broken promises and lies neither.”
* ♥ *
It took a while to get the chains and locks off the front of the city warehouse, and two workers in huge cowpony hats pushed a large wagon full of pieces and parts out into the sunshine. The partially-completed device was considerably larger than the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, and looked properly impressive with all of the whirling widgets and blinking buttons that would certainly whirl and blink once it was all done. But for now, the complicated device looked forlorn, without any paint or polish and with nearly a year’s worth of dust from being stuffed in the warehouse after being confiscated. Twilight was obviously enthused by the scientific possibilities of the boxes of parts piled up on it, and Big Mac poked around with his usual enthusiasm for complicated gadgets, even though it was obvious he could not make heads or tails out of it.
“Seems to be an awful lot of widgets there for one machine,” said Applejack, more to herself than expecting any answer. Cherry Jubilee had strolled up beside her and nodded in agreement.
“Once the ponies in both towns were onto the two scoundrels, we started comparing notes. They promised their new machine would do everything we needed. It was supposed to be able to pick, pit, sort, grade, prune, store, freeze and I don’t know what else.” Cherry Jubilee rolled her eyes. “They had an answer for everything we asked, right up to the point where we started showing up in groups.”
“With torches and pitchforks?” asked Applejack.
Cherry shrugged. “It’s traditional. For a couple of city ponies, they sure could run fast.”
“Experience,” said Applejack. “Look, it’s gonna take forever for Big Mac and Twi to get done playing with their new toy—”
“I heard that,” called out Twilight, although only her tail was visible from where she had climbed into a section of the machine while tracing a rather complicated collection of wires and crystals.
“—so why don’t we find someplace quiet to sit down a spell with the paperwork and try to make sense out of it? Probably don’t want to go to the Watering Hole, on account of the rest of them townsfolk being cranky enough without any salt in ’em.”
“I know just the place,” said Cherry Jubilee.