“So there I was, creeping through the lush jungle,” Colonel H. Mustard declaimed, perched on the end of the sofa and holding a wing over his eyes as he gazed into the distance, “Only twelve guards remained of my platoon, and they all looked to me for guidance! With only the stars as my guide, I led them boldly-”
“If you were in a lush jungle, how could you see the stars through the trees?” Peacock Poppycock asked innocently.
Mustard paused and blinked a few times, and then fixed her with a glare. “There were breaks in the trees so I could see the stars, alright?”
“Fine, fine…” Peacock sighed, eyeing the lounge’s grandfather clock and noting that this story had been going on for thirty minutes already.
Mustard cleared his throat. “Anyway… with only the occasional glimpse of the stars to guide me, I led them boldly towards the place we were to meet the rest of the army. But then there was a rustling in the foliage to our left, and from it burst-”
“A couple of normal jungle cats?” Green Mail asked snidely, “I think I read that in a Daring Do book once.”
“Or perhaps a previously undiscovered colony of scantily-clad ponies,” Peacock joked.
“Oh my, how scandalous!” Scarlet Letter gasped, putting a hoof to her mouth to hide her smile.
“And from it burst,” Mustard continued, doing his best to ignore them, “A mighty Barghest! It-”
“What in Equestria is a Barghest?” Home Body asked, probably the only one in the room hanging on to the Colonel’s every word.
“A big dog,” Professor Plum Pudding supplied, idly turning to the room’s modest bookcase. “I think there’s a volume on monsters here somewhere with a picture. If I recall correctly, they-”
“It jumped out at me!” Mustard shouted, holding up the revolver before him defensively, “But while my platoon faltered, I was unafraid! I waited until the last possible moment and then somersaulted over its charge and brought my weapon to bear, like so!”
The colonel back flipped over the sofa, using his wings to steady his fall, and swung the revolver around like a gunslinger in a movie. Unfortunately he was a little too enthusiastic and the revolver accidentally went off. The round shattered the watering can in White Wash’s grasp and drenched her and the potted plant she’d been tending.
“Watch what you’re doing, you feather-brained idiot!” she screeched, flapping her wings in agitation and sending drops of water everywhere. “You nearly killed me!”
Mustard tucked the revolver under his wings and puffed his chest importantly. “You were never in any danger. I know what I’m doing where shooting is involved.”
“Ha!” Green barked. “I’ve seen you use that thing, and you couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!”
“How dare you!” Mustard shouted indignantly, “I’m easily the best markspony in this room!”
Peacock Poppycock frowned. “Now hold on, my daddy Pop Gun used to take me to a shooting range when I was younger and I think I’m better than you, at least!”
“Oh please,” Scarlet laughed, “I bet I could shoot circles around any of you!”
"You'd have to shoot circles," White said snidely, "Because a curving bullet is the only way you'd hit a target!"
The room was soon filled with ponies shouting at the top of their lungs about their skills. It grew so pitched that Home Body stood up on his chair and put a hoof in his mouth, blowing a shrill whistle that made everypony cover their ears.
“That’s enough fighting!” he said, looking around the room, “We’re all good friends, remember? Now I think I know how to settle this little dispute. Everypony meet me on the front lawn in ten minutes. Mrs. Wash, if you’d follow me?”
Ten minutes later his guests were still glaring at each other, but outside as asked. Home Body strode out to them carrying a large briefcase clamped in his teeth. Ignoring their curious gazes for the moment, he set the briefcase on the lawn and popped it open. Inside the case lay six revolvers, each one with an odd plastic case attached to their barrels.
“Ah, of course!” Mustard said, nodding, “You think we should have duels to decide! It’s clearly the most honorable way! Green Mail, I challenge you to the first duel!”
“No, no, no!” Body said, waving his forelegs to get his attention before Mustard did anything rash. “These are a special set of paint guns I recently got sent from my aunt, Auntie Body. She’s at a wilderness retreat and thought I might find these fun. I thought we could decide who’s the best shot with a target competition!”
Home gestured back at the mansion, where White Wash was busy pulling an apparently very heavy target onto the lawn to be set up. It was about twice the height of a pony and had nine concentric rings, each one helpfully labeled from one to nine. The center dot was bright red and was worth a full ten points.
Green Mail arched his eyebrow skeptically. “You want us to just fire at the same target? Isn’t this a little… foalish?”
“The guns each have a different color paint in them, so we know who scores what,” Body explained, “And I was thinking the pony who gets the highest score could get a prize. Say… ten thousand bits?”
“What are we waiting for?” Green exclaimed cheerfully, leaping forward to pick a revolver. The others rushed forward to join him.
Green selected a revolver with a lime band around its ammo case; Plum’s was a nice purple color, Peacock’s had a blue stripe, Mustard’s revolver featured yellow, Scarlet had a bright red one, and White was left with the one decorated in silver. Armed, each pony stood in a line and took aim at the target.
“Let’s say… best score after four rounds wins,” Body said, holding up a hoof for the signal. “And you can only fire twice each round. And… fire!”
*BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG*
Twelve splotches of paint splattered across the target board. Home Body ran forward and studied it, making sure to remember the score of each before the paint dripped down onto any of the others.
“Alright,” he said after a minute, “It looks like lime earned seven points, red earned nine points, blue earned ten points, purple earned eleven points, and both yellow and silver earned thirteen points!”
“Yes!” Mustard and White both shouted, giving each other a celebratory hoof bump.
“There must be something off with the sights on this revolver,” Green pouted, holding it up. “I demand somepony trade guns with me!”
Mustard grinned and offered his gun for trade. “If you insist, but I doubt it will make a difference!”
“If he gets to trade, I get to trade too!” Scarlet complained. She pawned her revolver off into White’s forelegs and snatched away the silver revolver in her magic before the housekeeper could object. Not wanting to be left out, Plum and Peacock also switched weapons.
“It might get a little confusing with the target like this,” Home Body said thoughtfully, looking at all the dripping paint. “Mrs. Wash, if you could just grab some towels from inside…”
“Allow me,” Plum said magnanimously. His horn lit up and he cast a spell that wiped the target clean of all ink. “There you go! I use that to get me out of having too many term papers to grade.”
“Right…” Body said, and then shook his head and got back into the game. “Then the second round starts now!”
*BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG*
“Let’s see,” Body said, “This time purple scored six points, lime scored eight points, silver scored eleven points, yellow and blue both scored thirteen points, and red scored an impressive fifteen points!”
“The sun was in my eyes,” complained the pony with the new lowest score, “Plus I think this revolver’s heavier than my last one!” They turned to Mustard and gave him such a pleading look that he sighed and traded revolvers.
Meanwhile, Plum had set his revolver down as he cast the spell to clear the target for the next round. The pony with the silver revolver sauntered over to where it lay and nonchalantly swapped it for their own. They were congratulating themselves on the theft when the pony with the yellow revolver stepped into their way.
“I saw you take Plum’s gun. Swap with mine or I’ll tell!” they said. Seeing no other choice, their revolvers switched hooves.
“Third round!” Body shouted, and everypony scrambled to get ready. “And… go!”
*BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG*
Home Body took a little longer to collect the score this time, as the numbers were getting higher and he’d forgotten to bring paper to write it down on. “Let’s see… So this time purple earned five points, silver earned nine points, red earned ten points, yellow and lime each earned twelve points, and blue earned an amazing seventeen points!”
“Blast it all!” shouted the pony with the lowest total score, “I’m not giving up!” So saying, they tracked down the pony with their original revolver and forced them to trade.
“Remember,” Body said, gesturing to his briefcase, “Each of those only holds six shots! You’ll need to reload from the supplies before the last round can start!”
The six ponies congregated around the briefcase and reloaded their weapons. In the process, the pony with the highest total score swapped with the pony that scored highest in the third round, then the lime revolver got traded for the purple revolver, and then Plum traded his revolver with Green.
“And… fire!” Body shouted when everypony was ready.
*BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG**BANG*
Home Body did some swift math in his head. “OK, so yellow earned seven points, blue scored ten points, silver scored eleven points, lime and purple both scored fifteen points, and red got the most astounding score of all, two bullseyes! And with those twenty points, red is our winner!”
Who cleared the contest?
And here's a map if you need it.
