"So wait... Human stallions LIKE big flanks?”
You blow a bit of your hair-err, mane out of your face and set the screwdriver and still half complete magic detector down, letting your telekinesis fade. What a fascinating power, and you’re getting better at it too! You still wish you had hands, however.
You look over to your side where the question came from, seeing a confused Rainbow Dash and an amused Applejack. Not your classmates, but ponies like the rest of Equestria. Honestly, you’re still wondering how you got roped into this mess.
"Well, not big per say, but there’s a certain ratio that human men find attractive,” you begin. “I haven't looked too deep into it, but certain contours to a woman’s body sets off an attraction signal in a man’s brain. One of the triggers happens to be wide hips and a round behind, both are taken as signs of fertility. It’s not something the average man can control.”
Well ain’t that somethin’.” Applejack says, her amused smile growing. “Looks like your dreams of baggin’ an alien ain’t going nowhere, Dash.”
Rainbow looks back at her admittedly flat rump, scowling as she turned back around. “So what? I’d be too much mare for a hyooman to handle anyway.”
Applejack coughs under her breath, but you swear you heard “Sour grapes” in there somewhere.
"Say, how do we know you’re not fibbing?” Rainbow accuses, flying in so close that you recoil some. “You’ve got fat flanks, after all. You might just be saying that.”
Oh god why is she taking this so personally don’t look at Anon don’t look at Anon don’t look at-
You feel your face burn red as you glance across the room, where Princess Twilight inspects the anti-magic seal your bored looking and still human boyfriend impulsively tattooed on his own chest.
Listening to your gut when it told you not to show him your its-not-weird-shut-up-mom-occult collection of books should have been the obvious choice. Where did he even get the tattoo before following you?
"E-erm. You’ll just have to take my word for it..?” You nervously say, hoping Rainbow will buy it. She didn’t.
Glancing over to where you were looking, she smirks evilly.
"Hey, big guy!” Rainbow calls, drawing both your counterpart and Anon’s attention. “Take a break, I’ve got some questions about hyoomans.”
Anon grins as he grabs his shirt and dons it before the Princess can stop him, probably glad to do something other than stand around. ”Ayy, sure thing,” he says with a smile as he walks to your side. “What’s up?”
"So, who’s got the better rump? Me or Turbo nerd Twi?” Rainbow asks, turning around and shaking her behind. “Twi said you like big ones, but that’s can’t be right.”
God, please smite this poor mare-girl where she stood. So mortified you are, that you don’t notice Anon looking at you for clarification until he taps you on the back.
"Some beauty standards and gender roles are turned around in Equestria...” you squeak out.
He makes an “ohhhh” face and turns back to a waiting Rainbow and Applejack. ”Well, let’s start with my Twilight here. As a human, she has the perfect balance of T and A.”
Welp. Your heart just stopped. Also you’re never sleeping with Anon again.
"T and A?” Applejack questions with a tilt of her head.
”God, that’s cute,” Anon starts, pointing at Applejack’s tilted head. Said mare puffs out her cheeks at being called cute.
”Anyway, T and A is titties and ass. A huge part of how human women get judged on looks. It’s all about the curves, you see. And Twi’s curves?” Your boyfriend looks up, face serene and arms extended, as if to accept God. “Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Each cheek, each tit, just big enough to fill a whole hand. Each one firm enough to remain perky, yet soft enough to knead like dough. The hips don’t lie, little ponies. The hips told me it was my destiny to be ensnared by their enrapturing allure for eternity, and I did not resist.”
By now, Princess Twilight had joined Rainbow and Applejack, who were looking between each other with lowering jaws.
You just keep looking at the ground, feeling your face go nuclear as your blush works it’s way down your neck. Blushing in fur is awful.
”Twilight is something we call a ten outa ten,” Anon continues, not heeding your silent pleas to stop. “If you rated her on a scale of one to ten, she gets a ten each time. Her personality, genius, drop dead gorgeous looks can all be rated separately, and she still gets a ten on all of them. It’s not often a girl gets the fabled trifecta of brain, beauty, and... and... well, personality. I tried to think of something with a B. Fucking sue me.”
The ponies flinch at the word “Fuck”.
Well, at least he’s not gushing about your girls anymore...
"Wait!” The Princess interrupts, “Twilight, I thought you and Flash...”
"Flash was a faggot who didn’t know what he had until I took it from him,” Anon answers for you with some venom. “Now, where were we?”
Rainbow and Applejack recoil at Anon’s possessive tone.
"Anyway. Ten outa ten. And hot damn, I never thought I would be attracted to another species, but once again, Twilight does the impossible.”
You can’t help but notice your counterpart’s face turn pink at that. Without even realizing it, you frown and lean into Anon’s leg.
"What she lost in T, she made up for in A.”
A pair of familiar hands glide down your sides, making you tense up as they go lower.
"Just look at this sublime flair of the hips...”
Without any shame, Anon’s hands come to a rest on your butt. Your PONY butt. And his fingers dig into your fake cutiemark.
Now you’re not the only one with a blush as the faces of your spectators light up like red bulbs.
"Oh so impossibly soft and lusciously large-”
You have to bite back a pleased noise as the hands knead your behind, your flesh molding around them as if the hands were meant to be there.
”-yet, no cottage cheese butt. It’s like...” He giggles “Magic.”
Once you stave off the heat between your legs, you are going to KILL this man. You’re not the only one thinking that, it seems, as the princess looks positively scandalized despite her cherry red blush.
"Moving on,” he says with a smile. “We’ve got a perfect curve inward on the hips, and one downward on the legs. And the tail... I’m not a furry, probably, but the lovely tail hiding the goods yet letting me view this pony posterior perfection, it-!” His hands rise and grip his face roughly, his expression crossed somewhere between orgasm and despair “It fills me with the need to BREED! Lord have mercy upon me for lust is a sin most grievous!”
That’s it, folks. Now you can curl up and die of embarrassment.
You perk an ear up, but don’t raise your face.
"None of that really matters in the end, I guess...” Anon says, tone more gentle. “I may love everything on the outside, but that’s because I love what’s inside more.”
Both of your ears perk up.
"In fact, if Twilight took a form I just could not make heads or tails of, if I knew it was her, if it was MY Twilight, I wouldn’t care. She’s be beautiful to me regardless.”
You raise your head and look up. Upon Anonymous’ face you saw the most loving expression you’d ever seen. “A-anon?”
A hand lowers gently to your shoulder-wither?, where a thumb softly rubs a circle.
"Because at the end of the day... At the end of the day... Shit, man. I’m not good at this... Because at the end of the day, I may have found my way to Twilight the girl for her looks, but I was hooked forever by Twilight the individual. I always will be, doesn't matter if she’s a girl, a pony, or somewhatsitidunno.”
He bends over and to the side, just far enough to catch you in a surprise almost upside-down kiss.
All the anger and embarrassment in your body drains out, replaced with a fluttering warmth in your stomach and the prickly sensation of unshed tears. Just like that, he got away with molesting you in front of a magic princess and her friends. You almost snort into the kiss as you unsurely deepen it. Just what are you going to do with this guy?
Someone clears their throat.
Both you and Anon freeze with your long pony tongue still wrapped around his shorter one. Reluctantly, you and your boyfriend pull apart, with you wiping away the thin glistening strand that still connected your mouths.
Looking to your side, you take in Princess Twilight, Rainbow and Applejack’s devastated expressions of... Want? Heartbreak? Some sort of mix? The princess seems to have been hit especially hard, if the wet yet vacant eyes are any indicator.
"Ohhh, right. We’re still doing a comparison!” Anon exclaims, snapping the three natural ponies out of their funk. “Lets see...”
Rainbow quickly turns around, facing her rump to Anon with a face of vague hope.
"Hmmm...” Anon rubs his chin, thinking carefully. “Much like the Rainbow Dash on earth, you’re a bony jock. I’d hit it if I never met Twi, but I’d be half afraid to hit my bone on one of yours, if you know what I mean.”
Nevermind, he’s not thinking carefully after all.
Rainbow falls over in shock as Applejack howls in laughter loud enough to rattle the windows.
Of all the people in the world to fall for...
“Anon, what am I going to do with you?” you ask over the laughing and Rainbow’s yelling with a sigh.
He looks down at you with a wide, goofy grin. “Lemme smash?”
You cover your face with a hoof, but smile and mouth “Later”.
His face lights up.
Of all the people in the world to fall for... It’s hard to think of someone better.