//------------------------------// // Panic // Story: Hard To Find The Right Words // by Nameless Narrator //------------------------------// *SLAM!* “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” *Pleased humming.* “Hnnng… I will find our where your positivity lives and burn its house...” “Oh, sorry, Fury. I thought- why were you sleeping on the couch? Normally, I would think you did something bad to your marefriend, but...” “Crest, you’re walking a thin line between my curiosity and instant murder.” “Pfff, nothing you can say can even remotely ruin my day.” “It sometimes did?” “I got a DATE tonight!” “...” “...” “Oh, I’m supposed to congratulate you or something? Good boy, Crest. Pat pat on the head. If you do something unwieldy it’s rolled newspaper for you.” “Well… to be honest… I though I’d get something more than annoyed mumbling from you. Nevermind then.” “Crest, you woke me up with your stupid, out of tune humming. Then you started spouting some crazy gibberish about you finally dating your right hoof, and now you’re mad at me. I haven’t been awake for even two minutes, what do you want?” “Alright, alright. I apologize for waking you up. In my defense, I thought you’d be in the bedroom.” “Why are you here anyway?” “Checking on the, you know, prisoner?” “Huh, that makes sense. I almost forgot about that. Fine, I forgive you for that one. Go on.” “Thank you, and no, the mare I’m meeting tonight is completely real. No hooves involved at all… for once.” “...that’ll make for some fun acrobatic positions...” “Hmm?” “Nevermind. Since you’re practically glowing with anticipation and I’m already awake and bored, why don’t you sit down and gush to me before you inevitably fail to gush tonight?” “So, we met at the bar-” “Already off to a great start.” “Can you leave out the snide remarks?” “Of course not.” “Hmph, fine. She was sitting alone with nopony having the balls to approach her.” “Your kind of desperation helped, I guess.” “Yes- I mean, I gathered some courage.” “Liquid, I take it.” “M- maybe. It makes me a bit smoother.” “Note to self - get Crest wasted at some point. Note to self two - get a camera.” “You’re scaring me.” “Eeeexcellent.” “You could have left out the creepy smile and the hoof pyramid. Anyway, so after watching her a while and seeing nopony was trying to get closer to her, I got up and walked over.” “Wobbled unsteadily- sorry ‘smoothly’.” “Do you want to hear the story or not?!” “No, but you want to say it, so don’t complain and keep going.” *Incoherent angry grumbling.* “Come on, that’s not the Crest I’ve grown to know and love. Full of hope and doomed to fail.” “I’m not doomed to fail!” “Keep telling yourself that. No, first keep telling me the story. You’re terrible at it, always getting distracted and stuff.” “Whose fault is that?!” “You lack of concentration disturbs me, young ponewan.” *Now unpleasantly coherent angry grumbling.* “Whoah. Did your mom teach you those words, Crest?” “Gggrgrwwrwrwrgrg...” “Just over five minutes to get you frothing. Cool, a new record.” “EEHM! Anything more to add?” “Not at this point, no.” “So we just started talking, and she turned out to be from out of town, looking for somepony who could give her a tour of Riverside. She even wanted to see the turnip museum!” “Was she an earthpony?” “No, a pegasus like me. She said she was from Manehattan and Riverside seemed like the perfect place for a weekend or holiday getaway. She works as an analyst in some Manehattan bank, I can’t recall which one at the moment, she’s funny, and she’s HOT. She must be quite well off, because she’s looking to buy a house here in town.” “And she’s still single… and has the time to sit around a bar waiting to BE picked up...” “She’s on a vacation right now. She said she had four days left and wanted to spend them looking around rather than lying around in some spa.” “Refusing to have ponies slave around you and instead choosing to prance around this hole? I found her problem, Crest. She’s clearly insane and wants to flay you alive on the second date.” “Pfff, you’re just jealous I’m finally back in the game.” “Jealous? Why would I be jealous? Don’t be delusional, Crest.” “I don’t know, maybe someone doesn’t want to be lonely when surrounded only by different species.” “Right now, I would give quite a lot to be a little bit more lonely, Crest. Specifically, without your mouth diarrhea.” “Well… okay, okay… fine… I’ll stop bothering you then if you want it so much.” “Crest...” “I’ve checked up on you, and I have a lot of work to do if I want to leave early to prepare for the date. Puff will be around in about an hour after his training with Bladehoof, so you’ll have to amuse yourself in a different way. Maybe you’ll have the time to invent something original rather than keeping making jabs at ponies trying to get used to having you around.” “Eh, I prefer sticking to what I’m the best at.” “...why do I even bother...” “Crest, before you leave-” “What? Any dating advice from a mare whose only experience is the equivalent of drinking somepony under the table and then having their way with them?” *Clip clop clip clop.* *SLAM!* “...I just wanted to say good luck...” “...maybe I should have started with that one...” “Oh well, he’ll be back. Either gloating about him being right and having a chance, or looking for a shoulder to cry on.” “...” “...” “What to do? What to do?” “Radio? Radio sounds good.” “So I’m on the couch which faces… this way. The radio is on the table in the corner to the right from here. What was it, about ten steps forward to the wall?” “Good, good, goo- OW! Who in queen’s glistening chitin put a table here?! Alright, slowly… slooowlyyyy… ah hah! And now to the right, aaand table… is nowhere.” “Puff must have moved the table with the radio closer to the couch. I guess the dummy doesn’t know how the volume knob works. Nah, I’m pretty sure it made sense in his head, but he can’t know how freaking dumb it is to move stuff around with a blind changeling involved.” “I just got… troubled by a moved table. Alright, alright, calm down. You know the layout of the place, and if the table is the only thing that moved you should be fine-ish.” “And what if there’s more? I’ll have to remap everything.” “...I’m… scared…? Is everything new again…?” “I said calm down! How far is it to the couch? You know that, you can imagine the area. You’ve done all this multiple times.” “I can’t remember. Why the hay am I drawing blanks now? Right when I need it the most.” “F- fine, let’s shimmy by the wall again. One, two, three, four, five- ah?!” “A… let’s see… wood, horizontal panels. A bookshelf. Was it… always here? How many things did I fail to notice?” “Well, now it has a horn hole in the side. Think, think, think. You didn’t hit the shelf on the way there. That means you went too far. How far?” “Damn, measuring distances in something irregular as steps is so inconvenient. Anyway, the couch should be to the left of here then… unless I got completely turned around and am touching the wrong wall.” “No, don’t doubt yourself that much. That just leaves more and more confusion. The couch is to the left. Turn. Face. Walk. One, two, three, four- OW! For crying out loud!” “Table. Radio. Knob.” *Click.* “-next up is a report of alien sightings from Dodge Junction.” “Couch.” “Safety...” “I’m… I’m… I’m gasping for breath... and trembling.“ “Fine. Wait, recover, explore again. You’ve done an overall check, now you’ll just be doing the detailed version. Seriously, getting a panic attack over this. You’re better than that.” “...after some rest...”