//------------------------------// // Hard Time // Story: Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me // by DataPacRat //------------------------------// The next day... Only in Equestria would even the prisons have built-in stages for regular talent contests. And only in a world where the laws of physics as they are known on Earth apply only intermittently would I be found wearing a long red evening gown, singing to the accompaniment of a jazz band with the lights turned low... and not only being on key, but doing well enough to get wolf-whistles and hoof-pounding applause from the bulls. And from the bovines. (Author's note: Imagine this body wearing this outfit, doing this song.) You had plenty money, nineteen twenty-two. You let other women make a fool of you. Why don't you do right... like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too. You're sittin' there and wonderin' what it's all about. You ain't got no money, they will put you out. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too. Now if you had prepared twenty years ago, you wouldn't be a-wanderin' now from door to door. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too. I fell for your jivin' and I took you in. Now all you got to offer me's a drink of gin. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? If Equestria ever gets in contact with Earth, one of my missions is going to be to make sure that nobody ever knows I ever did anything of the sort. When I got back to my cell, I was carefully removing the various face paints according to Aloe and Lotus's instructions - I didn't have a sink, but the guards seemed to have no thought that I shouldn't be allowed to bring a full makeup case and mirror with me. Even the stone walls were painted an ever-so-slight shade of pink, so that I couldn't help but wonder if Hasbro had once considered a 'ponies in prison' playset, or maybe there was some sort of morphic resonance with all the pink toy aisles on Earth. Both my ablutions and my musings were interrupted by the call of "Visitor!" Looking up, the guardpony expanded, "Your intern is here to see you. Would you rather talk here or in the visiting room?" Since I hadn't hired an intern... I shrugged, said, "Here's fine," and started folding up that sparkly red dress, opera glovesocks, and wig. In a few moments, a Royal Guard had taken a position on this inside of my door, said "Clear!", and a cheerful unicorn mare walked in - white body, pink mane, and a cutie mark of a sun hidden behind a cloud. I groaned and put both hooves over my eyes. "Hello, Princess." "What? I know not of this Princess you speak of - I am merely Sunny Skies, a simple intern hired by-" I lifted one foreleg just enough to peek at her. "Ahem." "Oh, you're no fun. Though you are a good singer - I didn't know you had it in you." Deciding I'd already died and was now in the worst possible place, so things couldn't get any worse, I un-hid my head and went back to my packing. "I didn't, either. But I get better privileges for 'good behavior', like playing along with the local social events." I glanced at her, and she was inspecting her flank. "How did you recognize me so quickly? Did I mess up my disguise?" I thought about telling her about Luna's near-identical getup from the other day, but instead said, "I've just started assuming that the most ridiculous explanation I can think of for anything I encounter is the right one. Seems to be working so far." She un-did her disguise and plopped the royal heinie on the floor, tilting her head quizzically one way, then the other. "I think I could have you arrested for lèse-majesté for that." "Only if you revealed who Sunny Skies was - I'm guessing this isn't the only time 'she' has been seen somewhere around Canterlot. Is there something I can do for you?" "If you had thirty seconds to give a piece of advice to one of the Royal Princesses, what would it be?" Without hesitation, I said, "Those of your little ponies who do better than others will likely seek to give their children even better advantages - including by convincing the lawmakers to pass one little exception which gives them a great benefit, and inconveniences the rest of your ponies by less than a bit each. There will, in fact, be very good reasons given to permit such loopholes. But if you want to ensure that as many of your little ponies as possible have, at a minimum, the necessities they need to survive, you should resist any such efforts, and try to roll back and repeal any that are already in place. Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty. Hm - I had enough time to finish with something about 'half of knowledge is knowing the questions' or 'peace if possible, the truth at all costs'." "And if you were granted more than thirty seconds to continue explaining?" "Hm... Not all of your ponies have as much friendship in their hearts as others. And some of those less-than-loving ponies will be rich and powerful ones. Perhaps they own a mine, and the land around it, and seek to hire some ponies to work in it... and decide to save money by building houses on that land, to rent to the workers. And put in a store where those workers can buy their goods. If they do not understand friendship enough... they just may decide to, oh, use the excuse of 'simplifying accounting' or 'increasing security from outside robbers' by paying their workers mainly with scrip rather than bits, which can be given right back to them when paying rent and buying at the store. And then preferring to hire workers willing to be paid in scrip. And then increasing the rents and store-prices. And evicting anyone who wasn't willing to accept the new system. And then cutting corners on safety standards. And deciding that since they owned the houses, they had both the right and authority to control not just what was done with the houses, but what was done inside them. And that the workers should work longer hours for less pay. And that anyone who complained too much should be shown the errors of their ways, even if doing so required the administration of pain, just like how a parent spanks their child. And arranging so that the local members of the legal profession, of the courts and of the constabulary, were friendly folk who happened to agree with the way they were doing things. And-" "I knew it!" My description of a variation of a Gilded Age robber-baron mercantilist being interrupted, I took a moment to gather my thoughts. "Knew what, your majesty?" "I have figured out exactly where you come from." I recalled that her memory of that particular detail had been hidden with a memory charm... but since I didn't know all that much about that sort of spell, I wondered if perhaps it was imperfect, and had started leaking. "You have, your majesty?" "You don't need to play dumb with me anymore, Missy, for now I know that you are from... The Future!" While I was trying to figure out whether to correct her, deceive her with some other story, or to allow her to believe this idea as - what was it now, a sixth layer of misdirection? - she continued, "We have tried your idea of relaying the time-jump spell," wait, that hadn't just been a hypothetical exercise?, "and have gotten news from four jumps in the future - a month's time. Admittedly, the only news we have received from our future self is that 'We're trying to relay the time-jump spell now', but-" The Royal Guard interrupted, saying, "Incoming." Princess Celestia instantly vanished, replaced by Summer Skies, and she stopped talking about time travel. One of the prison guards called out, "Visitor!" again, I called back to show them in, and after a few security doors opened and closed, in walked... another Royal Guard, followed by Princess Luna in her own unicorn disguise. My cell was getting a bit too crowded to breathe in, so I moved onto my bed. The two Guards eyed each other, and presumably after some sort of telepathic communication, one of them stepped back outside. As the two disguised princesses looked at each other, I cheerfully spoke up, "I don't know whether the two of you have met. Sunny Skies, I would like to introduce you to my accountant. And, my dear accountant, I am pleased to present to you my new intern, Sunny Skies." I got a death glare from each of them for my trouble, so I just sighed, and rested my chin on my crossed hooves. The light mare said to the dark one, "You missed a truly entertaining performance. I don't believe she plans on ever doing an encore." The dark mare said to the light one, "A pity that I will only be able to see it in dreams." I blinked - wait, what? Could Luna look into - she interrupted, continuing, "But I had to finish some other errands before coming here." She squeezed by 'Sunny Skies' up to next to me, and stuck her nose into her saddlebag. She pulled out an odd, squarish black object, which she... immediately plunked on top of my head? "Congratulations are in order. You have, very likely, just saved your first life - the first of many to come. I believe you have met 'Granny Locoweed'? She has been having heart troubles, and today had some acute chest pains and shortness of breath... which were rapidly eased by the application of glyceryl trinitrate, as you described. I took the liberty of transcribing your lecture and having it converted into the proper format, and had it submitted for review by certain high-level administrators the Royal Canterlot University." She pulled out a small scroll tied with a ribbon and dropped it onto my forehooves. Her smile was a sight to send most people screaming into the night, and I had a sudden very strong urge to go visit, say, the Southern Rainforest. She said, "And so I wish to congratulate you: Doctor Missy." Sunny spoke up, "Should we start calling her 'Doc'?" I covered my head with my forelegs again. "So from now on I'm going to have to keep telling everybody with a splinter that I'm not that kind of doctor..." Sunny also offered, "Or she could get her a job at the University, and she can be Professor Doctor Missy." Luna said, "To help you celebrate... I brought you some socks!" As I felt something woolen being tugged onto my hooves, and Sunny started talking about what sorts of post-nominal letters could be thrown into the mix, I began wondering if it would be worth breaking out of jail, finding that time-travel spell, going back a week and hitting myself in the head with a frying pan to keep me from going to that bar. Whether I changed history or annihilated the universe from paradox, I'd be keeping any of any of this from having ever happened...