“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
- Sydney J. Harris
The first memory orb came to focus on a pony walking down a muddy road, the faint glow of the hidden sun nearly set in the distance. The host was a tan mare of fairly unremarkable build. She was neither powerful nor frail, neither graceful nor clumsy, and judging from the lightness of her steps, fairly young. She was wearing a black cloak, which hid her cutie mark from her gaze. Presumably, this was the pony known as Silent Cry.
Her vision sweep across the wasteland around her, revealing rolling hills of dirt, dead grass, and the pink silhouette of Canterlot in the distance, still on its mountain perch. Rain was starting to fall, so one could assume she was looking for shelter for the evening.
After a moment, the pony’s gaze settled on a small ruined diner not far off. It was unassuming, but the lack of mutilated corpses hanging outside suggested it was not currently occupied by raiders. After a quick trot over, Silent Cry peaked into the building through a window, then let out a sigh of relief as not only was the building empty, but its roof was intact.
After entering and shaking off a few drops from her cloak, she took in her surroundings. It was apparent scavengers had long since striped the place bare. The cash register was empty, the safe under it was open, and a medical box on the wall was missing its lid. Aside from a few dirty bottles and rusted cans, there was nothing there. There was, however, a closed door on one of the back walls.
Silent Cry walked over, opened the door, and gave a small gasp.
There, sitting on a ruined chair in the owner’s bedroom, was Rainbow Dash.
Or at least something that looked a great deal like the Ministry Mare. In truth, the blue figure was rather difficult to make out despite being only half a room away from Silent Cry. It was transparent, blurry, and seemed to emit a bright glow that its surroundings didn’t reflect. But there was no mistaking the bolt-shaped mark on its flanks or its distinctive mane.
Was it a magical illusion? A recorded projection? Or maybe it was some kind of life-sized glow in the dark Rainbow Dash plush toy? There had been rumors of crazier treasures found in the Equestrian Wasteland...
But then the figure moved, and turned towards Silent Cry. It stared for a moment, before raising an eyebrow.
“Huh. Wasn’t expecting company tonight,” it said, its voice an echoing yet accurate match for the former Bearer of Loyalty.
Silent Cry didn’t move for a moment, but then spoke.
"Neither... neither did I,” she said, her voice hesitant.
The Rainbow Dash-like being’s eyes opened in surprise. It pointed a hoof toward Silent Cry, but then gave a chuckle and lowered it.
“Well what do you know. You’re real. Guess that means I owe Pinkie another round,” it said with a shake of its head.
Silent Cry raised an eyebrow.
"I’m... real?” she asked.
“Well, yeah. You hear all kind of rumors in the Wasteland. I just figured the one about the pony who can talk to ghosts was too nice to be true. Yet, here you are, talking to a pony over a hundred and fifty years dead,” said Rainbow with a shrug.
Silent Cry blinked in surprise.
“There are rumors about me? I’ve only been traveling for a few days and I haven’t told anypony about it,” she muttered.
“Nopony still alive that is. News travels fast among the dead too, you know,” Rainbow explained.
“Oh. I hadn’t considered that,” mumbled Silent Cry.
The two just stood there for a moment, sizing each other up.
“So, is this the part where you ask me why I’m not at peace yet?” asked Rainbow.
Silent Cry tilted her head.
“Why would I do that? Besides the fact that it’s none of my business, we both know the answer. A pony can only become a ghost if their soul is pure enough to ascend to paradise, but they are still weighed down by earthy matters,” she said.
“Yeah, and what are the only things that can weigh down a soul like that?” asked Rainbow with a roll of her eyes.
“Love, and regret,” answered Silent Cry.
“Exactly. And you want to know my sob story because that’s what the ghost-whisperer does. She listens to your problems, talks you through them, and helps you go to your eternal rest,” stated Rainbow.
Silent Cry shook her head in disbelief.
“I only did that for one soul, and all I did was listen to him speak. I’m not some ‘ghost-whisperer.’ I can’t just make ponies accept their mistakes. I’m just a normal pony who happens to be able to talk to the dead, if you’re even real. And really, what could I offer you that your friends and other lost souls cannot?” she asked.
Rainbow shrugged.
“I dunno, but you can’t pretend you’re nothing special. Yeah, you’ve only sent one pony to sleep, but you’ve made every ghost you’ve talked to feel a little better about themselves. ‘The living pony bringing peace to the dead,’ and all that. You’ve gotten an impressive reputation for only a few days of wandering,” said Rainbow.
Silent Cry shook her head again, but anyone viewing the memory orb would feel the light warmth of a blush.
Their conversation paused for a moment while Silent Cry got a small fire going. The two ponies, one who might not actually exist, rested around it. They just sat there for a moment, waiting for the other to speak.
“Well... I still don’t think I can offer anything, but I guess if you want to talk to me you can start with how you died,” said Silent Cry.
“You want me to start with the end of my story?” asked Rainbow in an amused tone.
“Well, you can hardly start at the beginning. To my knowledge most ghosts find peace with their childhood mistakes long before they die,” explained Silent Cry.
Rainbow let out a sigh.
“Fair enough, but it’s kind of hard to tell how you died if you don’t know,” said Rainbow.
“You don’t know how you died?” asked Silent Cry in surprise.
“Not really, though I could give you a long list of possibilities. I was choking on Canterlot's pink cloud, I was fighting an old friend, and at some point I think I got my hooves on a bottle of whiskey and drank it to dull the pain in a moment of desperation-induced brilliance. Next thing I know, I’m dead. Oh, and my maimed and poisoned body was in a pool of radioactive waste when I woke up in the afterlife too. So no, I don’t know what finished me off. Personally, I’d like to think it was my liver. Too many years of drinking hard cider caught up with me at the worst possible time,” said Rainbow.
“Really? The most awesome pony in Equestria’s history believes she died from alcohol poisoning?” asked Silent Cry with a soft giggle.
Rainbow gave her a glare.
“Awesome? What do you know about me, aside from what you see on the posters? Do you know anything about the mare behind that self-assured mask?” demanded Rainbow.
Silent Cry paused for a moment, then answered.
“Well, not personally, no. I know you were one of the six Ministry Mares during the Great War. I know you were the head of the Ministry of Awesome. I know that the Enclave considers you a traitor. And I heard from a rather chatty ghost that you were the only Ministry Mare to actually fight on the front lines,” said Silent Cry.
“Then you already know why I haven’t considered myself awesome since I died. No, that’s wrong. I haven’t considered myself awesome since the bombs dropped. Hay, everything I did that could really be called awesome happened before the war. I don’t care what my posters say. There’s nothing awesome about what I did on the front lines,” said Rainbow.
Silent Cry didn’t say anything. She only gestured for Rainbow to continue.
“There’s nothing awesome about anything that pushes living beings to kill each other. I hated the war just as much as anypony else. Sure, while I was alive I could tell myself that it was cool how skilled a soldier I was. But no, it wasn’t. The ghosts of everyone I killed still haunt me, and few still do it literally. So no, I am not awesome. I probably deserved to die from something as stupid as alcohol poisoning,” said Rainbow.
Silent Cry remained silent for a moment, pondering Rainbow’s words, before answering.
“Yes, but that what made you a hero. We both know soldiers don’t fight to kill their enemies. They fight because they want to protect their homes and loved ones. You, and every other soldier who fought with you, willingly let yourself be torn apart, physically and spiritually, so that others could live in peace. You may regret and mourn the lives you took, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be remembered for your sacrifice.”
“Sacrifice? For what? We didn’t even win! Maybe that was what we were fighting for, but in the end we all threw ourselves into the meatgrinder just for a chance to end up dying a few years before everypony else. Dying for a nation that doesn't exist anymore,” said Rainbow, raising her voice.
“You didn’t know that at the time. You truly intended to be one of the few to suffer for the safety of the many,” stated Silent Cry.
“Intended? Oh, well that changes everything! Yep, who cares how many died because of me as long as I had good intentions! What does it matter how many poor decisions I made as long as it was for good intentions! And nopony could ever hate us for blow up the world because, hey, we had good intentions when we fucking blew it up!” yelled Rainbow, her tone downright venomous.
“It’s not that simple...” said Silent Cry, but Rainbow keep going.
“Yes, it fucking is! I fucked up! We all fucked up! And now everything is fucking dead! Oh, wait, no, not everything. Some poor saps ended up fucking worse than dead! And the few ponies still alive get to look out at the fucking wasteland every day and think, ‘wow, what a shitty place we call home!’ Why? Because of how badly we fucked things up!” Rainbow screamed.
“If your deeds were so terrible, so unforgivable, then why are you destined to ascend to paradise?” asked Silent Cry, her calm words breaking through Rainbow’s anger.
Rainbow took a few deep breaths, despite not having lungs, before she calmed down.
“I... I figured it was because I helped save the world a few times before it all went to Tartarus. Probably earned myself a guaranteed spot in whatever’s beyond the sleep for that. Still doesn’t change how badly I fucked up, and that’s the part of my life that’s keeping me here,” Rainbow replied.
Silent Cry let out a sigh, and turned away. One could only guess what she was thinking. For a while, the two of them just sat there listening to the fire crackle and the rain pour outside. Finally, Silent Cry spoke.
“And... what exactly did you do?” she asked.
Rainbow raised an eyebrow.
“Really? You really can’t see what I did wrong?” she deadpanned, waving a hoof at the destruction surrounding them.
“Did you launch the megaspells that destroyed Equestria?” asked Silent Cry.
“What? No! Of course not!” Rainbow snapped.
“Then the wasteland isn’t what you, as you put it, fucked up. I asked what you regret, not what resulted because of your mistakes. You did not cause the apocalypse by yourself. You were just a single player among many. It was all of you making poor decisions that resulted in the end of the world. All I want to know is what role you played in these mistakes that brings you such self-loathing,” said Silent Cry.
Rainbow paused at Silent Cry’s words. She turned away for a moment, before answering in a soft tone.
“I get what you’re saying. I know I can’t shoulder all the blame. It’d be so much easier if I could or, better yet, if there was some great evil thing I could point a hoof towards and say ‘it’s all your fault,’ But I can’t. No one can. I could blame the war, but that was the result of perfectly normal ponies and zebras making less than perfect mistakes, nothing more,” admitted Rainbow.
Rainbow let out a sigh. Silent Cry waited.
“It’s been almost a hundred and fifty years since I died. One hundred and fifty years of seeing how badly me, my friends, and everyone else involved messed up. One hundred and fifty years of wondering what I could have done better and hating myself for not doing so. It really hurts, you know? Knowing that for all the good you did in your life, all that’s left for the world to see is the result of your biggest failure,” said Rainbow.
“And what was your biggest failure?” asked Silent Cry.
Rainbow was silent for a minute, but then began speaking in a subdued manner.
“At first, I thought it was what I did on the war front. I still feel horrible about it, you know? But after a lot of self-kicking and arguing, most of the ghosts from the frontlines forgave each other. Ponies, zebras, we were all thinking individuals who gave our lives in the line of duty to nations that no longer mattered. It’s funny, how the loss of our homelands and mortal bodies made us more willing to make peace with each other, and ourselves, for the horrible things we were doing. Well, for most of us. I still have a zebra or two cursing my name.”
“My second thought was that my greatest regret was the creation of the Enclave, but again no. After some post-animate investigation, I learned that ponies like them have always been around. They were just usually too terrified of the Princesses to try anything. The war was just an opportunity for that particular group to come together, and my efforts to push more Pegasi into the war was the spark that got them really going, but they likely would have made their move anyway once Cloudsdale was destroyed. I was just fuel on the already burning fire.”
“Then I looked at something more personal. I regret what I did to my friends. I regret pushing them away to focus on the war. Especially Fluttershy. I... I don’t think I ever wholeheartedly apologized for calling her a traitor. But those kind of regrets are easy to get over in the afterlife. After all, when you’ve got nothing better to do except watch the parasprites mutate, it’s a lot easier to spill your guts to your friends. And spill we did. If I knew half of the shit Pinkie was dealing with while she was alive...”
Rainbow let out another sigh.
“Nevermind, the point is that we worked it out between us. So, even if it was arguably my biggest mistake, that’s not my biggest regret either. For a while, I just didn’t know. I did some serious soul searching, looking at what I did and trying to figure out what I did wrong. But, then, one day it came to me. My biggest regret isn’t what I did. My biggest regret is what I didn’t do.”
“My biggest regret was that I did nothing to end the war,” admitted Rainbow.
Silent Cry tilted her head.
“Um, didn’t we establish that you were fighting...” she started, but Rainbow shook her head.
“See, that’s the thing. I was fighting to WIN the war. I never tried to END it,” explained Rainbow.
Silent Cry didn’t respond, but her confused expression must have prompted Rainbow to elaborate.
“From the moment the war started, I was convinced that there was only one way to end the fighting: the hard way. Peace talks? Surrender? Forget it. Either we were going to crush them, or they were going to crush us. End of story. So I wanted to make sure that no matter what, we were on the winning side,” explained Rainbow Dash.
“So did everypony else at the time, I imagine,” said Silent Cry.
“You’d think that, but that’s not quite true. Everypony wanted to win the war, but I was the only one who cared about... Wait, no. That came out wrong... Ugh. How do I say this in a way that makes sense?” said Rainbow.
Rainbow hemmed and hawed for a moment, before nodding.
“Ok, let me it put it like this: As the war dragged on, several ponies became more interested in making sure Equestria turned out alright instead of on top. It stopped being about the victory, and more about ensuring a better tomorrow. Or at least that there was a tomorrow. At the time, I thought it was a huge waste of money and war resources to try building shelters or secret projects to fix the world. I was the only one of my friends who did. Every single one of them was trying to find ways to make the war less devastating to Equestria instead of just ensuring we actually won.”
“Twilight was more interested in ensuring Equestria would survive. Hay, some of her big projects were more for saving Equestria than beating the zebras. Pinkie only wanted to keep ponies safe and happy. Applejack just wanted to keep Equestria’s troops alive, not make them more deadly. Fluttershy... well, she definitely cared more about ending the fighting then whether Equestria won. Even Rarity, who hated her job, was always looking for ways to ensure that what she was censoring wasn’t completely destroyed.”
“All of them tried to use their Ministries to help Equestria. None of them succeed, but at least they tried. I didn’t. You know what the one thing I actually did with my Ministry was, aside from fighting the war from another front? It was a project to get more troops on the front lines. Not even better troops or special ones, just more. Because all I was thinking about was how to win. So what if more ponies died? So what if more pegasi felt that they should just abandon Equestria? It would be worth it in the end if we won, right? You can see how well that turned out.”
“I had a chance to do something. I was one of the few ponies with the power to actually could do something about the war. Five of those ponies at least TRIED to make things better in some small way. I never did. I never stopped to think about alternatives to just fighting harder. I never stopped, looked in the mirror, and asked myself if the victory would be worth the cost. The Ministry of Awesome isn’t the only reason Equestria was destroyed, but I know it was definitely one of the things that could have prevented it.”
“So that’s my biggest regret. I had a decade to try and find something to do with my Ministry, something that would help ensure Equestria survived, but I never did. All I ever amounted to was being another cog in the war machine,” finished Rainbow.
The two ponies fell silent once again. Silent Cry’s gaze turned toward the floor in thought.
“What was that project of yours?” she finally asked.
“The Single Pegasus Project. It was supposed to free pegasi from having to manage the weather. Not because I was trying to make their lives easier or anything. It was just going to get them off their clouds and onto the front lines. Course, the project was finished right before the bombs dropped, so it didn’t amount to anything anyway. At least the Enclave hasn’t gotten their hooves on the central hub yet. They have enough power over the sky these days as is,” explained Rainbow.
“Wait, the Enclave doesn’t have control of the whole thing?” asked Silent Cry.
“No, just a bunch of the individual towers. Why do you ask?” asked Rainbow.
“Well, if this project of yours was designed to control the weather, couldn’t somepony use it to break up the cloud wall?” suggested Silent Cry.
Rainbow just gave a bitter chuckle and shook her head.
“Nah, there’s no way that’s going to happen. Somepony got inside the project hub the day the bombs dropped and activated the security system. It has a magic barrier designed so that nopony except a select few registered into the system can enter. And there’s nopony still alive on that list who could. So no, it’s not possible to use it. Would be awesome if somepony found a way inside who doesn’t give a fuck about the Enclave, but it’s not going to happen,” explained Rainbow.
“And the pony who got inside?” asked Silent Cry.
“Died to radiation poisoning. Never even got the chance to activate the SPP.” concluded Rainbow.
“But...” started Silent Cry.
“Look, I get what you’re trying to say. Yes, I want to hope that somehow my one project will help save the world, but it won’t. And even if by some miracle it did, I’m still not going to sleep anytime soon. There’s more than regret dragging me down,” said Rainbow.
“More than regret? But I’m fairly certain you were single, and love can only bind a soul if...” Silent Cry gave a gasp.
“You mean some of the Ministry Mares are still alive!?” she exclaimed.
“That depends on your definition of alive. They’re not ghouls. They’re in far worse shape than that. Hell, I’m genuinely hoping somepony goes and kills them so that they can stop suffering. And no, I’m not telling you where they are because they’re in places too dangerous for anypony to go, let alone a young wanderer with almost no combat experience,” explained Rainbow.
"I see...” said Silent Cry.
Silence filled the building once again.
“Still...” mumbled Rainbow.
Silent Cry’s ears perked up.
“There’s Pinkie’s ace. If she does show up, then maybe...”
“Pinkie’s ace?” asked Silent Cry.
Rainbow shook her head.
“Eh, some little spark of hope that a friend of mine is still clinging to. I mean, I believe her and all. Hay, helping her set things up was part of the reason I died. But after a hundred and fifty years I think whoever she’s waiting for is long gone. Besides, even if this ‘Lightbringer’ does arrive, there’s no way a single pony is going to fix everything,” she said.
“Unless she finds a secret project or two that gives her a chance,” suggested Silent Cry.
Rainbow smirked.
“Are you sure you’re not a shrink? You're sounding an awful lot like one the way you keep pushing me to have some hope,” she said.
Silent Cry blushed again.
“Still, doctor or not, I gotta admit talking with you is making me feel a little better. There’s just something about talking to a pony that’s still alive that makes the conversation more... real, I guess, or something stupid like that,” admitted Rainbow.
“I’m... uh... glad I could help?” Silent Cry said uncertainly.
Rainbow Dash gave a surprisingly sincere smile.
“I know this might not sound like much coming from a pony who had a bit of an ego problem while she was alive and self-worth issues now, but you seriously need to have a little more confidence in yourself. Yeah, you’re not a mind doctor, but who says that means you can’t help in your own special way? In fact, I’d bet that your cutie mark has something to do with the minds of ponies,” she said.
Silent Cry gripped her cloak.
“I’d... rather not talk about it,” she said.
Rainbow rolled her eyes.
“Just because your parents, or somepony else, didn’t like your talent doesn’t mean you should be ashamed of it,” she said.
“I’m not ashamed of my mark, I’m just less than eager to share what it is,” explained Silent Cry.
Rainbow shrugged.
“Alright, but my point stands. Even if you don’t consider yourself a healer, you can still help ponies out,”She said.
Silent Cry stared into the fire for a minute before sighing.
“I suppose I could try. I don’t exactly have a clear goal at the moment,” She admitted.
“That’s the spirit... Pun not intended. Anyway, it was nice chatting with you, but I should probably go. I’m trying to shake one of those zebra wackos I mentioned earlier, and I don’t think you’d appreciate the creep yelling at me when you’re resting. See you around, ghost whisperer,” said Rainbow Dash as she faded through a wall.
“Ghost whisperer, huh?” mumbled Silent Cry.
The memory faded away.