//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: Heartbreak 
// Story: Fallout: Equestria - Echoes of the Ministries 
// by Banjo64 
//------------------------------//

“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”
- Bob Marley





The fourth memory revealed not a secluded area, but a crowded bar. Despite how many ponies were there, the atmosphere was subdued and ponies were whispering to one another in hushed and nervous tones.

“...gone. Just gone...”

“...They were so friendly. How could...”

“...those bastards...”

“...Where are you DJ Po...”

Silent Cry could also see that there were many ghosts present as well. They mostly stuck to themselves and their conversations were just as hushed, but also rather excited.

“...and boom! She’s gone! ...”

“... actually survived that. Can you...”

“...shame. After all he...”

“...right. Pinkie Pie was...”

Silent Cry herself, however, was alone, sipping the last of her drink while the bartender watched.

“You sure you’ll be alright by yourself, Granny Cry? These are troubled times, after all,” said the bartender.

“I’m sure. In fact, I’m expecting company tonight. Don’t you go worrying about little old me,” said Silent Cry, her voice now bearing the weariness of old age.

The bartender rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything until Silent Cry finished her drink.

“Alright then. Have a pleasant evening, Granny,” said the bartender.

“You too, young sir,” said Silent Cry as she slowly got up to leave.

As she made her way across the room, her body once again revealed that some time had passed since the last memory. She had been slower last time, but she was outright crippled now. She leaned heavily on her cane, her movements were stiff, and her muscles cried out with every step.

Yet despite this, Silent Cry hobbled onward with a soft smile. She gave a small nod to ponies as she passed them, and got a few friendly waves back. Not all of them were from the ghosts, either.

Silent Cry stepped outside, revealing that she was in a small settlement, though there were no clear landmarks as to which one. It was also apparent that it wasn’t just the ponies in the bar who were tense. Ponies walked around holding their guns at the ready. Windows were boarded and doors were reinforced. Along the outer perimeter, the town watch was gathered and watching the skies sharply despite the late hour.

Silent Cry sighed as she hobbled forward.

“If I were just five years younger I’d grab my rifle and join them up there,” she mumbled to herself.

Finally, she reached what appeared to be her home. It was an unremarkable single-story shack with a small sign out front: Granny Cry’s House of Crying (and Ghost Stories). After struggling with the key for a moment, Silent Cry opened the door and stepped inside.

There was an orange pony ghost sitting by the kitchen table, waiting for her.

“Well now. And here I thought the land of the dead had forgotten about my humble little home,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack, Ministry Mare of the Ministry of Wartime Technology, looked ashamed.

“Sorry... It’s just... ya know...” she mumbled.

Silent Cry chucked.

“Oh no, I understand. These are interesting times. Pinkie’s prophesized hero walks among us, and has indeed been doing what many thought impossible. It’s only natural that I’d have few customers until the matter is finished. But that begs the question: what are you doing here instead of watching her with your friends?” asked Silent Cry.

Applejack sighed.

“It’s not about her. Ah just... Ah just needed some time alone to think, and with how many dead folk are followin’ her, Ah figured Ah’d best put some distance between us,” said Applejack.

“Really? Well, if not her, then I’ve heard how one of your friends has finally be freed from her torment. Why would you want to be alone now? Why aren’t you out there helping her?” asked Silent Cry.

Applejack sighed again.

“Me and the girls had a chance to talk with Twilight, but she’s got some unresolved problems to fix first. Her and Trixie have been runnin’ all across the wasteland, tryin’ to save as many souls as they can while some small shred of them’s still part of that mess. We all figured it’d be best to let ‘em finish before we have our heart to heart,” explained Applejack.

Silent Cry nodded.

“I see. And do let them know that I will be willing to offer my services as well when they feel they are ready to see me. That still doesn’t explain why you’re in my house alone, though. You've always claimed you were already over your guilt,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack turned away.

“Somepony else just died. Somepony who Ah care deeply for. Now, Ah ain’t tryin’ to avoid him or nothin’. Ah’m just tryin’ to figure out what Ah’m goin’ to say to him before Ah see him,” said Applejack.

“Ah, I get it: buck problems. That’s a shame though. I was hoping that the pony who’s insisted she doesn’t need my help for fifty years was finally ready to open up to me,” said Silent Cry.

“Ah know what Ah regret, Silent. Ah lived long enough to come to terms with it all. Ah don’t need yer help remindin’ me ‘bout things Ah already know,” replied Applejack, still not looking at Silent Cry.

Silent Cry rolled her eyes, but slid into another chair.

“Anyway, it’s pretty obvious who the poor soul is. So that stubborn ghoul finally kicked the bucket, eh? Shame really. I’ve been hearing how the Stable Dweller’s actually been pulling him out of his armor, so to speak. I hope he made peace with himself before he died. It always makes the transition easier for everypony involved,” said Silent Cry.

“Ah think he did. Course, ya can never tell what goes through the heads of bucks. Goodness knows Ah never figured his out,” mumbled Applejack.

“Oh come now. You two were perfect for each other. Everypony who knows your story thinks so as well. You must have know him better than that,” said Silent Cry with a playful jab.

“Maybe Ah did. Maybe Ah didn’t. Still didn’t know him as well as Ah should have, either way,” said Applejack.

Silent Cry raised an eyebrow.

“What’s this really about, now? You've always been critical of him, but also supportive. Are you trying to distance yourself from him when the poor buck is probably out there looking for you as we speak?” asked Silent Cry.

“It’s complicated,” said Applejack with a shrug.

“You wouldn't have come here unless you wanted to say it anyway,” said Silent Cry.

“Ah mean our relationship is complicated,” clarified Applejack.

“Well then, you’ll have to remind this old mare. Far as I can recall, the two of you were an item, had an argument, and never had the chance to properly apologize. Tragic, but not too complicated,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack let out yet another sigh, but started talking.

“At first it was that simple. We were just two ponies who worked together, grew close, and started datin’. It was common sight then, really. Lots of ponies tryin’ to find their special sompony as soon as possible, what with the threat of megaspells hangin’ over us all. We certainly had a lot goin’ for us, as far as couples go. We really did seem made for each other. Heh. Ah can still hear Rainbow teasin’ about us both havin’ ‘Apple’ in our names.”

“But when you put two stubborn ponies together, it means that sooner or later we’re goin’ to butt heads, and be doin’ it for quite some time. And it wasn’t just between us. That buck could hold a grudge like nopony’s business. Not that Ah blame him for all of it, but it bothered me how often he got rough with those he felt deserved it. Hay, it still bothers me.”

“Take those ponies who tried to kill me for example. Yeah, they were scum bags and deserved some form of punishment for what they did, but that didn’t mean they deserved to be murdered like that. He knew Ah wouldn’t have done somethin’ so drastic if he told me he knew they were the culprits, so he did it behind mah back. How can Ah trust a pony like that? A pony who’d rather ignore and overlook his significant other’s opinions than stop bein’ angry.”

“It came to a head when Zecora died. He always hated zebras. Ah could understand why, of course. Most of the soldiers Ah talked with hated ‘em too. But sometimes Ah think he hated ‘em before the war even started. And he wasn’t shy about lettin’ that hate control him either. Can ya imagine what it’s like seein’ somepony ya love murder one of yer old friends? Mind ya, Ah still thought she was a traitor at the time, but Ah still didn’t want to see her dead.”

“And even if she had been a traitor, she shouldn’t have died that night. We had her on our soil and she’d surrendered. He should have just taken her prisoner. If he had, Pinkie and Rainbow could have helped her and might have told us that she was a spy in time. At the very least we could have learned what she saw in the zebra homeland. But he didn’t. None of that even registered to him. All he saw was a zebra who’d apparently done me wrong, and that meant she had to die.”

Applejack paused to let out another sigh.

“Her death put a wedge between us. Ah can still remember the argument we had afterwards as clear as the day Ah got mah cutie mark. That wedge never went away, either. In fact, it only grew stronger when Pinkie told me everthin’. Course, there’s no way of knowing if Zecora could have actually taken care of the Caesar, but she might have. It was just another one of those many, many missed chances to end the war.”

“We never completely broke off, but we did start driftin’ apart. We did try to work it out, but the zebras decided to bomb us before we had a chance to make things right. But that’s just the thing: Ah’m not sure if we’d have gotten back together if we’d had all the time in the world. Ah still care about him, and Ah know he still cares about me, but can we ever get over that incident completely? Ah still don’t know, and we’re goin’ to find out one way or the other real soon,” said Applejack.

“As I recall, you told me Zecora forgave him for the incident well before you met her in the afterlife, correct?” asked Silent Cry.

“Yeah. Zecora was always a better soul than the rest of us. She never held it against him. Just like she never held the end of the world against me or any of mah friends. Before she went to sleep, she told us that we were far better ponies than we realized. Sometimes Ah wish Ah could be as forgivin’ as she was,” said Applejack with a pained expression.

Silent Cry rolled her eyes.

“I still think we should have a talk about your own problems, despite how much you insist you’re over them, but as always I won't demand anything. Anyway, why don’t you tell me how the time you’ve spent in the afterlife affected your opinion of him?” suggested Silent Cry.

Applejack sighed yet again.

“It didn’t make things better, if that’s what you’re askin’. All that time spent wanderin’ Equestria and it was only when he meet the Stable Dweller that he finally started to do somethin’ with himself. Don’t ya give me that look. Anypony with a rocket launcher can hunt mutant alicorns. He was just usin’ it as an excuse to vent his anger,” said Applejack.

“Are you certain? You just told me you have no idea what goes on in his head,” Silent Cry pointed out.

Applejack raised a hoof to object, but put it back down.

“Well, he definitely wasn’t tryin’ to help ponies. How long did it take for him to start talkin’ the Steel Rangers into doin’ their job? He had two centuries to say somethin’, but he just walked away,” said Applejack.

“Maybe he didn’t trust himself to lead anything after the incident?” suggested Silent Cry.

Applejack snorted.

“Yeah, and Ah managed to kick all the rotten ponies out of my Ministry and keep ‘em out,” she scoffed.

Silent Cry’s expression grew hard.

“You seem awfully eager to shove him under a chariot tonight. That’s not a good mindset to be in right before you see him. Did you come to see me for advice, or because you wanted to work yourself up beforehoof?” she demanded.

Applejack threw her hooves up in frustration.

“Of course Ah’m worked up! After all this time watchin’ him make a darn fool of himself, he finally starts makin’ things right just to die right when the world needed him most! And now Ah have to talk to that stupid, stubborn pony that stole mah heart! He’s a moron who acts without thinkin’! He’s a murderer who kills without remorse! He’s...” exclaimed Applejack.

“He’s somepony you still care about,” interrupted Silent Cry.

“And that’s just it! Why the fuck do Ah care about somepony like that, even if he did father mah child?! Why am I still in love with a trigger-happy monster?!” cried Applejack before she slammed her head onto the table.

Or at least she tried to. She ended up going through it and falling into an awkward heap partway through the floor.

Silent Cry sighed.

“You really don’t know? I think you do, but you just want somepony else to say it,” she said.

She got some indistinguishable grumbling from the floor.

“Because you know that, despite his many mistakes and stubbornness, he really does want to be a better pony,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack didn’t answer, but she did pull herself back up into her chair with a troubled look on her face.

“You saw it back then when you had your argument. You saw it as you watched him from the afterlife. And you definitely saw it as he journeyed with the Stable Dweller. He’s slow to change, but he does want to. You still care for him because you know about the wonderful pony hidden beneath that armor and attitude, and you want to see it come out again,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack’s gaze turned toward the floor, but she still remained silent.

“I don’t know the minds of bucks any better than you do, but I do know what guilt looks like, and I’ve been hearing about that ghoul’s guilt almost as long as I’ve been out here in the wasteland. He’s not a bad pony. He’s a good pony with flaws that made some bad decisions. Just like you,” finished Silent Cry.

The two of them sat there in silence for some time before Applejack spoke, still looking at the floor.

“Ah remember when Ah first met him. He was just some newly promoted soldier to me back then. Didn’t think he was all the impressive at first, to be honest. Ah could see that frustration in him, but Ah’d heard what he’d gone through to get that promotion so it didn’t seem out of place at the time. But soon Ah also saw somethin’ special. Ah don’t know if it was me fallin’ for him right off the bat or just some small part of him that was catchin’ mah eye, but I saw it, and Ah liked it.”

“Ah never meet another pony who could make me feel like that. When we started datin’, he actually got me worrin’ bout mah looks. Made me want to look pretty so he’d know Ah appreciated him. Helped me remember that under all mah pride and hard work, Ah was still a mare on the inside. There has to be something good in a pony that can do that to me, right?”

Silent Cry nodded.

“Course, It was a rocky relationship, even in the best of times. It was kind of inevitable, really. Like Ah said, when stubborn ponies get together it alway gets rough. I can’t pretend Ah was a good marefriend either. Like mah friends, Ah put way too much time into mah work. Yeah, he was always away, fightin’ the war, but Ah missed chances to talk with him when he was home a lot too. Maybe it kept me from seein’ his problems sooner. Maybe I could have helped him through them. But Ah didn’t. And if Ah really was his special somepony, that fault lies with me for not helpin’ him.”

“I keep thinkin’ about all the things we did together. All the happy memories and good times. But Every time Ah think about what Ah want to say to him, all Ah can think about is that one moment. The one moment Ah saw just how far he could sink. Ah want to be able to love him again without thinkin’ about that. Ah want to be able to forgive him for it completely, not just a bit. Ah just don’t know if Ah can,” admitted Applejack.

Silent Cry raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think that’s the right question, Applejack. You are most certainly capable of forgiving him. It’s just a question of whether you want to, and I think you should. Zecora was willing to forgive him, and it’s why you're still here after all: so you have the time you need to find peace with yourself and others,” said Silent Cry.

Tears started to form in Applejack’s eyes.

“Ah know. Ah know Ah can, but if Ah do forgive him then... then...” she stuttered.

Silent Cry waited for a moment, but Applejack couldn’t finish her sentence.

“But if you forgive him then what? You...” said Silent Cry before it all seemed to click for the old pony.

“Ah, I think I get it now. The reason you finally came to me, I mean. This isn’t just about him, isn’t it? It’s because you know that if you can bring yourself to forgive somepony like him, then you have no excuse not to forgive yourself,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack’s tears started flowing and she gave a sob. Silent Cry leaned over and pulled Applejack into a hug, though she couldn’t feel anything from the ghost. Applejack rolled over and started crying onto Silent’s back, her ghostly tears faded to nothing as they fell from her eyes.

“Why... Why is somepony like me goin’ to paradise? Ah don’t deserve it. Ah made so, so many mistakes. A good pony doesn’t do the things Ah did. A good pony manages to save the world, not destroy it. Ah’m not a good pony. Ah’m not a...” chocked Applejack.

“Ssh... let it all out, Applejack,” Silent Cry said gently.

This lasted for some time. Finally, Applejack’s tears began to dry.

“You're not a bad pony Applejack. I’ll keep telling you that as many times as I need to. You inadvertently played a role in the creation of the Equestrian Wasteland. You are a good pony who just made some bad decisions. Whatever watches us from the beyond clearly thinks so too,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack let out another sob, but she didn’t start crying again.

“Ah know that. Ah know that, but Ah...” she stampered.

“Silly filly. There’s a difference between knowing and understanding. It’s easy to know you made mistakes. It’s not as easy to understand why those mistakes can be forgiven. Now tell me, why have you been keeping all your fears and doubts to yourself for so long?” asked Silent Cry.

Despite her sobs, Applejack gave a small chuckle.

“Ah told ya. Ah’m a stubborn pony. You’ve seen mah friends. Ah lived longer than the rest of ‘em. Ah lived long enough to accept a lot of what Ah did. When Ah joined them they needed somepony they could lean on, so Ah figured it might as well be me...” she said.

“Being strong for others doesn’t mean you have to keep your problems inside, Applejack. You’re a ghost too. You have just as much right, and need, to share your troubles. And you seem to have forgotten that you’re a terrible liar. Did you honestly think you managed to keep your friends from noticing?” asked Silent Cry.

Applejack let out yet another sigh, and let go of Silent Cry.

“Ah guess not. They asked ya to try and get me to open up, didn’t they?” asked Applejack.

“I shall neither confirm nor deny it. Now, back to your buck. I know you’re nervous about talking with him, and like I said I don’t know a darn thing about dating, but in the end it comes down to two simple questions: Do you still love him?” asked Silent Cry.

Applejack slowly nodded.

“And do you honestly want to forgive him?” asked Silent Cry.

Applejack nodded again.

“Then all you can do is meet with him and try to talk it out together,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack looked like she was ready to break down again.

“Ah know. Ah know and Ah want to, but Ah’m scared. Ah just know Ah’ll say somethin’ stupid. How can Ah tell that pony how Ah really feel, after all this time, when Ah don’t know mahself? How can we possibly make things right between us?” confessed Applejack.

“I can’t promise it’ll be easy or painless, but it still has to be done. And everything, no matter how difficult or scary, has to start somewhere,” said Silent Cry.

“And how the hay am Ah supposed to start with somethin’ like this?” asked Applejack.

“I recommend you turn around,” said Silent Cry.

Applejack turned and gasped at the sight of the ghost of a certain green buck patiently waiting nearby. Silent Cry had noticed him enter some time ago, but had motioned for him to wait and listen.

“Now, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about, so I’ll leave you to it. Feel free to stop by again later for another talk,” announced Silent Cry as she hobbled outside.

The memory faded.