//------------------------------//
// Rock Solid Friendship 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	The ritually-sacrificed corpse on my doorstep was a unicorn.  Or it had been.  Now it was just meat with symbols carved into it.
Maud Pie had found it.  It damn near looked like she’d wallowed in it, too.  Blood came up to her knees, though there were a few gouges in her back and neck, leaking her own blood back down to mingle with what was splashed around.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
“I’ll live.  May I use your shower?” she asked.
“Absolutely.”
She came in.  I stared at the mess in front of the door.  Sigh.  It had happened again, another victim of the serial killer.  I’d better call Twilight.
I’d never had a body, uh, delivered before.  Worryingly, that meant the serial killer knew I was after them.  I still zero clues about who it might be.
Twilight expressed that and more when she showed up just ahead of the ambulance.  “What is going on, Valiant?  Why haven’t you found the killer!?”
“It’s not like I’m not working on it.”
She glared at me.  “How many bodies is this now?  I don’t even remember.  And you say you’re working on it.”
“Well, you haven’t found the killer either,” I pointed out.
“You’ve fought entire armies, twisted the multiverse, sinned against nature, have the most pervasive and privacy-violating surveillance system known to the world, and you’re having trouble finding one murderer?” she said.
“You’re the smartest pony in Equestria, a magical prodigy, have a government charter, and you haven’t found them either,” I said.
“You-”  Twilight paused.  “You think I’m smart?”
“Book smart.”
She flushed.  “I don’t think you’ve ever complimented me before, Valiant.”
“I keep telling you, I’m trying to be a nice guy.  Even still, believe me when I say that I’m trying to solve this case.  I don’t want this shit happening either.”
Maud came back, still splattered with blood.  “Your shower doesn’t work.”
Genious I may be, plumber I am not.  
Twilight’s eyes popped open wide at the sight of Maud.  I quickly explained what I’d learned so far.  I then asked Maud, “What happened to you?”
“I was attacked on the way to Ponyville.  I didn’t get a good look at who it was.  They didn’t pursue me, however.”
Had the serial killer tried to kill Maud?  As frighteningly competent as the killer seemed to be, it was hard to believe they’d let anyone escape.  Then again, if anyone could shrug off a serial killer, it was Maud.
“Do you mind if I inspect those wounds?” said Twilight.  “Maybe we can tell who - or what - attacked you.”
By now, curious ponies had begun to gather.  They’d apparently seen Maud.
“These look like horn gouges,” said Twilight.  “Though unicorns usually only resort to physical attacks as a last resort - life or death.”
“I’m going to go see Rarity,” said Maud.  “I’m sure her shower works.  Also, I want to study her salt-based transformation.”
Though a vaguely religious accident, Rarity had gained the ability to turn into a salt crystal version of herself.  Being crystal, Maud was of course fascinated.
However, she maybe should have thought about cleaning up.  Even if the shower didn’t work, I could have hosed her off or something.  As it was, Maud marched through the growing crowd still covered in blood and apparently horn gouges.
I saw them look at her, at the dead unicorn on my doorstep, and then back at her.  Uh oh.
But first we had to take care of the body.  The ambulance ponies lifted the mess of a body into the back of their wagon.  Twilight and I rode with them to the morgue.  One the way, I played a little guitar to pass the time.  Twilight said nothing.
The morgue pony examined the body, and confirmed what we’d all been thinking.  “Definitely the work of the serial killer.”
“You know, we should have a name for this serial killer,” I said.  “So we don’t have to keep saying ‘the serial killer.’  Suggestions?”
Nobody had any ideas.  The morgue pony turned back to his work.
You know, I really should have a name for the morgue pony.  I’d never bothered to learn it.  Eh.
Just then, Pinkie burst in.  “Has anypony seen Maud?”
“She was at Rarity’s, the last I knew,” I said.
“Okay!  She just graduated, you know.  She’s got her Rockterate in Rock Studies from Equestrian Institute of Rockology.”
Boy, that pony sure does love rocks.
Pinkie left, probably to find Maud and throw her a party.  Twilight did too, knowing there would be a party and either going to prepare or take cover.
I paused at the front of the hospital to pass out some candy canes to kids.  Walking outside, I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a black cape vanishing around the corner of the hospital.
I walked that way quickly.  Rounding the corner, I saw a pony dressed in black and wearing a cape opening the door to the morgue.
“Hey!”
Whoever it was looked up at me - they were wearing a mask - and then took off running.  I ran after them.
I have to admit, physical exertion is not really my thing.  I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, get airborne!  Come to my position, I have a caped figure in sight and am in pursuit.”
“Hella.”
I kept running, but was losing.  I lost sight of the whipping cape ahead, vanishing behind several houses.
Rounding the next corner, I crashed headlong into somebody.  I rolled and came up with my switchblade out, still blinking the stars out of my head, before I saw who it was.  Filthy Rich, the local, well...rich guy.  He owned a store or something.  It looked like he’d gotten his brains scrambled as well as I had and was only just picking himself up.
“Sorry,” I said, and took off running again.  Seconds later, Tin Mare arrived overhead.
“Update?” I wheezed into the communicator.
“Negative.  No target in sight.”
“Shit!”  I slowed down.  “Okay, pull up the overhead imagery.  I want timelines.  I first spotted them at the hospital.  Track from there.”
Tin Mare came in for a landing.  By the time I’d climbed aboard, she had the clips ready to view.  There was a pretty good look at the mysterious masked pony, but they were either extraordinarily lucky or had knowledge of the satellite angles because they appeared and vanished without a trace, usually ducking behind buildings or under things the satellite couldn’t see.
I was starting to think I should outfit every building, inside and out, with 360-degree cameras.  That would be a lot of data to pick through, but it was the only way to guarantee seeing everything.
Maybe a little easier, I could get the town to hire a police force.  They didn’t have one because Ponyville was small.  Also, any problems that did happen were world-ending cataclysm that usually required Element of Harmony intervention - kind of above and beyond the police.
Still, having ponies on the ground could be helpful.  In the meantime, “Was there anypony in the area that could have seen anything?”
“Filthy Rich.  He could have seen where the Horse Stallion went.”
We really, really needed a better name for the masked pony than the Horse Stallion.  That is, if the caped pony I’d chased was a Batman-style vigilante and not the serial killer.
I shook my head.  “Filthy didn’t see anything.  He probably saw even less than me after I crashed into him.  What was he even doing there?”
I frowned.  “What was he even doing there?”
Just then, the communicator rang.  The screen switched to Sunset’s face.  “Valiant, you’d better get over here.  We’ve got an angry mob.”
“What kind?  Just vocal, or have they upgraded to torches and pitchforks?”
“The former, but I think it might escalate.”
“Got it.  Tin Mare, back to base.”
We flew there.  When she landed, I could hear the chants of the crowd.  It seemed they wanted the murderer brought to justice.  Hey, so did I.
I walked out to face them.
One of them shouted, “Where’s Maud Pie?  She needs to pay for her crimes!”
Oh.  Oh boy.
“I’m pretty sure she’s not a murderer,” I said.
“Would a murderer have a soulless gaze, creepy deadpan attitude, be covered in the victim’s blood, and be gouged by their horn in self defense?”
“Uh...what are you talking about?”
One of them showed me an autopsy report.  “Look here, the victim’s horn was covered in Maud Pie’s DNA!”
I had no idea how they’d gotten a copy of the autopsy report.  Or how they’d gotten it so quickly.  Or how it had even been written so quickly.  Or where the autopsy had gotten a sample of Maud’s DNA to compare.  Or if the report was even real.
But holy shit the crowd believed it, and we might get to the torches and pitchforks pretty soon.
I excused myself, which was easier said than done, and headed to Rarity’s.
Fortunately, Maud was still there.  She was still studying Rarity, who had patiently turned into salt and had placed a magazine on the table in front of her while Maud was busy.
Also, Pinkie was there, talking a mile a minute and being mostly ignored by the other two.
“Hey Pinkie,” I said.
“Yes Valiant?”
“Quiet.”
She moaned.  “But whyyyy.”
“Because your sister is just about to have a whole heap of legal trouble and we need to have a grown up conversation.”
“Sorry,” said Pinkie sheepishly.  “I know I sometimes come on too hard.”
Surprisingly not a sex pun.
I turned to the other two.  “Maud, we have a problem.  They think you’re the serial killer.”
Rarity changed back.  “That’s preposterous.  I’ll admit Maud is a little strange, but there’s no way.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence,” said Maud.
“I agree there’s no way she’s the killer,” I said, “but we’ve got a mob.”
A sudden, unpleasant feeling came to the back of my mind just then.  Maud wasn’t the killer, was she?  I didn’t think so, but...no, she couldn’t be.
I chastised myself for even thinking it, but Rarity interrupted my thoughts.  “A mob?  Angry, or torches and pitchforks?”
“Just angry.  For now.”
“What can I do?” Maud asked.
I considered it.  “We need to show them that you’re cool, not weird.  We need to show them that you’re a normal pony doing normal pony things.”
“You can make new friends,” said Rarity.
“I made a new friend earlier.”
Rarity looked at her suspiciously.  “Was it a rock?”
Maud paused.  “Yes.”
“It’s a start,” I said.  “What else can you think of?”
“Spending time with Rarity might be less weird if, instead of studying her, the two of us were in a relationship,” Maud proposed.
Rarity sputtered.  “I...I’m flattered that you think I’m interesting, Maud, I’ve told you that before, but I’m not attracted to mares.”
“I know.  I’m not interested in mares either.  But I do like you, Rarity.  I’d rather be seen in a fake relationship with somepony interesting that I consider a friend.”
Rarity sputtered some more.  I came to her rescue.  “Maybe you can join my band, Maud.  We play rock music, no pun intended.”
“A band?” said Maud.  "I didn't get a rocktorate because I can shred on guitar like nopony else."  
“But you can, though, right?”  
Maud nodded.  “I studied all types of rock.”
“But that involves rock music?” said Rarity.
“All types of rock,” Maud repeated.  “Even the extremely rare one-of-one rocks.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“You remember Starlight Glimmer,” said Maud.
I nodded.  Boy did I.
“When I met her, she was looking for a super powerful stone that could store the cutie mark magic of an entire village.  Of course, at the time I didn’t know that she actually wanted to or could do that.”
Pinkie laughed nervously.  “Hey, I got an idea.  Let's not tell anypony that part where you maybe, for sure, accidentally helped Starlight enslave a significant fraction of Equestria!”
“It's not like she's enslaved anypony lately,” said Maud pointedly.
“True,” I said.  “But please tell me you have other extremely rare one-of-one rock stories besides that one.”
“Well, with the right stone, you could rule all of Equestria if you wanted to.”
There was a sudden flurry of movement from outside the window.  I threw open the curtains.
Loud Mouth, one of the school kids who seemed to shout everything he heard, was running away.  “Hey everypony!  Maud Pie just admitted to helping Starlight Glimmer and planning to rule all of Equestria!  She’s at Rarity’s place!”
I tapped my earpiece.  “Tin Mare, get here right now!”
“Warning: starting my engines now will likely behead several members of this angry mob.”
I gritted my teeth.  Nice guy, nice guy, nice guy…
“Get here when you can.”
“Hella.  Also, the mob has begun lighting torches.”
I turned to the others.  “We need to move.”
We went out the back door.  I looked around.  “We need a sturdy building to hole up in.”
“Something made of rock, perhaps?” said Rarity.
“Concrete would be better.”
“Concrete is just cement, sand, and most importantly, gravel,” contributed Maud.
The town hall presented itself.  Not a great hideout, but better than nothing.  We snuck in the back door.
Unfortunately, the mob had come in the front door and the building was already crowded.
Shit.
“Maudalina Daisy Pie!” shouted the Mayor.  “We find you guilty of multiple murder!”
I quickly stepped forward, raising a hoof.  “Whoa there, a trial in absentee still requires public notification and jury selection, attended by an attorney representing the defendant.”
“Shut up, Valiant,” said the Mayor.
Jesus, did somebody change my name to Rodney Dangerfield recently?
The crowd was starting to get unruly, backing us against the wall.  We needed to get a message to the Princesses.  Hopefully they would actually take Maud’s side and get this shit stopped.  Could Twilight and her friends help?  Most of them still had credibility around here.
But there was no time.  I played the last card I had.  “I am the chief naughty/nice arbiter for Santa Claus.  If you want to lynch Maud, I’m going to put you all on the naughty list.”
“Who’s Santa Claus?” somebody asked.
I facehoofed.  “Did I not just tell every single one of you about the concept of Christmas since I got back?  I know I did.  I passed out candy canes to each and every one of you at least once.”
“This is boring,” said a pony with a pitchfork.  “Let’s get her!”
They crowd started forward.
What could I do?  If I intervened, I’d become a villain in their eyes just like Maud.  Then who would catch the actual killer?  But I couldn’t just let them take her.
Rarity started to say something.  Maud shushed her.  “This is on me,” she said quietly.  “I won’t let you go down with me.  But thank you for believing and seeing past my personality.”
Maud pulled out her pet rock, Boulder.  She put her foreleg around Rarity’s neck and held Boulder up to her temple.  “Nopony move or she gets it!”
The crowd came to a sudden halt.
“Maud, dear, what are you doing?” Rarity asked under her breath.
“Buying time,” Maud replied.  She started walking backwards.  Rarity, as her “hostage,” walked with her.
The crowd followed, menacing, threatening, but unwilling to charge with Rarity in the way.  I followed too, because how could I not?
Maud kept backing up.  She backed down the street.  She backed past the mobile, train-based farmers' market with the grapes.  She backed out of town.  She backed down the road.
Tin Mare arrived overhead and circled without purpose.  I tapped my earpiece.  “Can you get a message to the Princesses?  We need serious help here.”
Tin Mare relayed it.  A few minutes later, she got back to me.  “They’re both at royal teatime.”
“How long does that last?”
I waited while Tin Mare went back through comms channels to Canterlot.
“Unknown.  Sometimes days, I was told.”
Shit.
“Well, bring us a picnic or something, because this might take a while.”
And it did.  Maud kept backing up, holding Rarity hostage.  She backed through Whitetail Woods and Fillydelphia and Baltimare.  She backed all the way to the shores of the sea.
She stopped when her hind hoof touched water.
“Nowhere to go!” shouted one of the ponies in the crowd.  “You can’t escape!  Give up, you murdering scum!”
“I’m innocent,” said Maud.
“Then why did you take a hostage?”
“I’m not a hostage,” said Rarity.  Maud let her go.
Rarity kept standing there, however.  “Maud has not received a fair trial!  Evidence, and most importantly, alibis, need to be collected!”
“Move aside!” somepony shouted.  “We’re here for Maud!”
“Now, we just need to talk-” said Rarity, but the crowd charged forward before she could complete the sentence.
To her credit, she did step in front of Maud to protect her, going crystalline for protection.  However, there was no stopping momentum, and they knocked her over.
Maud slammed one hoof into the ground, shaking the whole area like a miniature earthquake and clearing some space around her.  However, Rarity had already fallen into the ocean.
She screamed, her salty form dissolving.  She reached up, flailing like a drowning victim.  I dove forward to pull her out, but by the time I got there, water was the only thing my hooves touched.  Rarity was gone.
The crowd seemed to freeze at the sight.  It gave Maud time to speak.  “Look what you’ve done.”
She took out Boulder and placed him gently in the surf.  “Take care of her, boy.”  She looked at me.  “Goodbye, Valiant.”
Then, Maud jumped forward and drove her hooves into the sand, digging like a steam drill.  Dirt, loose rock, hard rock, solid rock - down further and further until she was well out of sight and still digging.  The beach sand began to cave in, filling up the mouth of the tunnel and ensuring that nobody could follow her.
I got up, slogging out of the water.  The mob, still carrying their torches and pitchforks, seemed to have lost their purpose.  There was a distinct feeling of awkwardness hanging in the air.
I cleared my throat.  They all looked at me.
“All of you are so going on the naughty list.”