//------------------------------// // Episode 16: Journey to the Center of Douchebagcentral- Dan Vs. The Gear Factory // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// In the fan fiction world, readers are entertained by two separate yet equally important types of stories. Shipfics, which involve making your two favorite characters gay or inserting yourself so you can screw the protagonist(which is arguably gayer) and crossovers, which rely on crude fourth-wall humor and dated references to things no one gets like the intro to Law & Order. This story is the latter. DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP *dun dun* Golden Oakes Library Saturday, April 29 Dan stormed into the living room. "Alright, who took the last Klondike Bar? Because I'm about to show you all what I'd do for one," he said, brandishing an axe. DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP Starring Curtis Armstrong Also starring Tara Strong Kathleen Barr With Fluffle Puff Phoenix Wright Gust Grasp And Gary Busey DAN VS. THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP Ponyville had never looked more beautiful to Dan and the others as it came into view. Despite everything that happened, the quaint little peaceful town of ponies still looked just as Dan had seen it the first time. Cloudsdale hovered high above it, almost resembling a hat for the mountains in the distance. And underneath that cloudy hat, nestled on the mountainside of one of Equestria's largest mountains was Canterlot, gleaming like a jewel in the distance. All three cities at the heart of Equestria, happy and safe. It was good to see. "I will never take this place for granted again," Dan happily declared. "You say that, and then something happens in five minutes that pisses you off. Then, you want to burn the place down," Spike reminded him. Phoenix patted the dragon on the shoulder. "Let him have this moment, Spike." (More importantly, let us have this moment, too.) "It seems like every time I leave, I'm a little happier to return," Twilight said. Chrys, however, wasn't looking at Ponyville, but rather Dan eclipsing it with his proud visage. She didn't see beyond the town, she only saw him. "Wherever Dan is is home," she said, musing. "As long as we're together, it's home." Twilight smiled. "I feel the same way." "Thrrpp thrrrppbtth phrrrrrbbbth phrrrrb." With the Mobile Fun Cave, anywhere can be home for twenty minutes to an hour. "Ah, this is how it's going to be from now on. Going out to save the world, coming home as heroes, everypony in town throwing flowers and bits wherever we walk while they play We Are The Champions. It's about time to get the good times finally rolling!" Dan shouted ecstatically. He was practically posing for his statue. Not to dampen his enthusiasm, Twilight put her hoof on his elbow and lowered his arms gently. "I'll be happy for a job well done and to hear everypony is safe." "Of course, of course," Dan said. "You know, I am allowed to modify any standing structure related to holidays. And I think it's about time I had my own- Dan Day. We can call it D-Day for short," he said proudly. "There already is a D-Day," Phoenix reminded him. Dan grinned. "But not on Equestria, Nicky." "What was that about letting him have the moment?" Spike asked. "That was letting him have a moment- not a whole day," Phoenix countered. (Although, Ace Attorney Day does have a nice ring to it.) "Yes, I can see it now!" Dan spun around. On the deck of the griffon carrier, all his friends were assembled just behind them. "Who wants to celebrate D-Day?" Tuxley raised his claw. "Um... I don't know what to say?" "Does seem to be a bit of a pickle, sir." "Reginald, do we celebrate D-Day as Dan's victory over the zebras or the allied invasion of Normandy? What if we don't celebrate one by mistake? WHAT DOES THAT MAKE US, REGINALD?!" Reginald tapped his chin. "I believe you're still an upstanding dinosaur and I, your humble servant, as always." Tuxley was touched by his words. "Quite right." "D-Day sounds fun. CAN THERE BE EXPLOSIVES ON D-DAY?!?!" the Blasties exclaimed. (Those two concern me more and more all the time.) "Why are you all just standing there? What's going on?" Dan asked. Zecora stepped forward. "As we return home, I am happy to see things in Ponyville are still good. Everything here is still as it should." Twilight stepped forward, somewhat shyly. "You're probably going to want to be getting home now, aren't you?" Chrys sighed. "Yep, the big goodbye. Saw this coming." Gust flew up to Dan and the others. He was flanked by Daring, Derpy, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Edge. "Yeeeeaaaaahhh... guys, anyway, I actually just got a call from the wife. They were actually supposed to meet up with us for the battle against Zen Zeal. But we lost contact with them." Dan nodded, knowingly. "You have to go help your wife. We understand, nuggets. She's in trouble and you have to go rescue her with your cool ships. We'll get by." Gust's beak worked for a moment. "Uh, yeah, actually, I had that thought too... at first. I know I kind of seem like the dashing pirate who can face any danger." "I thought you seem like an idiot." "But I'm really more of the stool pigeon you interrogated when we first met," Gust admitted, grinning sheepishly. "I mean yeah, she's my waifu and she kind of invited my daughter along for the ride..." Chrys shook her head in disbelief. "Your wife AND your daughter are missing and you're NOT going to try and save them? Wow, you really are a scumbag pirate." She high-hoofed Dan, who was a belligerent loudmouth but was also pretty chivalrous. Chivalry was dead for a while but he brought it back with a Max Revive. "Hey! She left Verticia with a ship the size of CANTERLOT. The All The Way, Baby's the biggest airship in the world and THAT went missing. If I go out there with my three carriers, that only means there will probably be FOUR airships missing," Gust said. "I know it's my wife AND my daughter, pretty much my only family in the world... but you guys have lost ponies close to you, too. You lost your friends and your princesses. We need to work together to get all our friends back, not split up right now." They were all quiet for a moment. Dan gestured at him. "This bucket of chicken is right! Vice Grip is trying to divide and conquer us, split us up and take us down one at a time! If we split up now, we practically hand him our allies and our best stuff! Screw that, we're sticking together!" "Yeah!" "It really is for the best." "Agreed, sir." "Yay Team Dan!" the Blasties cheered. The explodey ponies zipped up and hugged him. Twilight and the others joined them. "This is a war of shadows and light. The best thing we can do is stick together, work as one." "If you are a mare, please step away from the Dan," Chrys announced. "Except Fluffle Puff." "We're gonna dock these ships with Cloudsdale to combine all the pegasi and griffons together. This will DOUBLE Equestria's control on the skies!" Rainbow Dash announced. "I'm going to need to stop at my house to pick up a few of my pets," Fluttershy said. "If we're sticking together, that means it should be all the animals, too." Dan nodded. "This is Equestria versus Vice Grip. We need every advantage we can get." "If that is the case, I might be able to provide the next opportunity for attack," Knight said, stepping forward. "It would be advisable to keep Vice Grip on the defensive at this time. I am compiling a list of attack vectors which should weaken his ability to strike at Equestria." "Great job, robocop. Alright, once we dock with Ponyville, I want everyone to rendezvous at the library for the next phase of attack. I'm going to talk to the Mayor and work on shoring up our defenses for the whole town while Knight works on our next battle plan." "Good idea," Phoenix said. "We should spread the word that we all need to stick together. Make sure our supply lines to Appleloosa, Fort Jerk and the Crystal Empire remain intact." "Exactly, Nicky, exactly. We get to work the moment we land, people! We're going to build a wall, dig a moat and put up a fence all around Ponyville, Canterlot, every city we have," Dan said. "Umm, that might be a problem with Cloudsdale," Rainbow commented. "I don't see how we're going to be able to dig a moat around Cloudsdale at this time, Dan," Daring added. But Dan just shook his head. "No excuses, ladies. We get docked, you start digging a moat the moment we get off this boat." The pegasi exchanged glances. "Aye aye, D-Boss." "It's Dan, just DAN!" "Okay, Just Dan!" Derpy said. "Rrrrggh..." The carriers docked with Cloudsdale shortly afterward. True to their word, the pegasi indeed did build a moat around Cloudsdale- out of rainbows. Rainbow walls, fences and other fortifications twisted all around the cloudy city making it look like it was wrapped in candy. Fluffle Puff could not resist but dance on them again while Phoenix played a ukulele. Afterward, Dan and the non-winged members of the gang flew down on Flutterbirds to Equestria's surface, landing in front of the Golden Oakes Library. "Ahhh. I will never take this place for granted again," Dan said, beaming in front of the library. "I have to admit, the ion cannon really does bring the whole place together," Spike said. "Eeeyep. Hey Dan, look! It's the mayor," Chrys said, turning him around. "Mayor! Coming here to welcome your heroes?" But Mayor Mare was not happy to see them. In fact, she was pissed off. "Do you IDIOTS have any idea what you've done?!!" "Oh, crap," Phoenix face-palmed. Twilight did the same, followed by several of the others. "Oh, dash it all," Tuxley said, unable to curse and so covered his head with his hat. "What's the problem, Mayor?" Twilight asked. "Blueblood didn't take over again, did he?" Dan asked, looking around. "No, I'm afraid it's something far WORSE than that," Mayor Mare said, stomping towards them. She prodded Dan in the chest. "You left us behind. You abandoned us!" Twilight got in between them, shaking her head. "No, we didn't! We left my brother and Princess Cadence in charge!" "Oh yes, THAT was helpful," the mayor said sarcastically. "Those two dorks have been giggling over that Star Trek ship that crashed in the woods a month ago and they haven't helped us with anything! We've been princess-less!" "Princess-less?" Twilight asked. "Princess-less?" Dan asked. "PRINCESS-LESS?" they all repeated. "Mayor, I thought you and my brother and Cadence would be all the responsibility Equestria needed, for now," Twilight said. "It shouldn't matter that you're not a princess." "That's not the point!" the mayor exclaimed. "We're SUPPOSED to have a princess on the throne! We're a kingdom, PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle and we require an active monarch to be a role-model for us, somepony to look up to!" Tuxley took off his monocle and wiped it. "My dear Mayor Mare, you appear to be behaving most irrationally. I do believe you could benefit from some good tea. Reginald?" "Yes, sir?" "Prepare the tea, please. And a cup for the mayor." "Very good, sir." The Mayor adjusted her glasses. "Perhaps I am overreacting a bit. But your actions have been very irresponsible." Dan stared at her blankly. "Sure. Irresponsible. Sure. When a bloodthirsty horde of alien fascists shows up on your doorstep, we can just sit here and complain about how there's not a princess to lead us into battle next ti-OH WAIT! EXCEPT THERE WAS A PRINCESS TO LEAD US INTO BATTLE!" Dan yelled, pointing at Twilight with BOTH hands. "Look at it! LOOK AT MY LEADER DOING SOMETHING FOR YOU SCHMUCKS! AND I DON'T VOTE FOR SHIT!" All this happened while Twilight smiled adorkably as Dan fawned over her. "I'm still a queen! I think..." Chrys added. "And I fought, too! We fought the queen of the hippies and kicked her butt! So... yeah!" Gust nudged Dan. "I robbed her." "Is that her purse?" "Yeah." "Can I see it?" "Sure," he handed Dan Mayor Mare's Mayoral purse of pursiness and Dan beat Gust over the head with it. "Your purse, Mayor," Dan said, handing it back to her. "See? I'm responsible. I just KO'd a pirate and returned your stolen purse. Thank you, chicken." "Daaaaaaonn't mention it," Gust said, dazed. "We gave everypony bombs," Blast Fuse said. "We gave EVERYPONY FREE BOMBS," Blast Powder added. "Before we left. We gave everypony a bomb. That should have helped keep the town safe." "There's no way that could have possibly gone wrong." "Yeah! I mean, who would mess with a town where everyone has a bomb?" "That would definitely prevent me from robbing them," Gust said. But the Mayor was having none of it. "Look, we've had problems since you left. We've had-" "Well, don't worry about it, Mayor. Also, people reading this, if you're reading Mayor Mare as the Mayor from Townsville, that means you get the reference. Love you guys!" Dan said, putting his arm around the Mayor and holding her uncomfortably. "You know, we really should get you one of those tiny hats and a monocle. But anyway, you don't have to worry about a thing, Mayor. Because now, we are never leaving again ever." "Why was that last part in bold?" "Just to make you really, really comfortable." "Stop that." "Fine. So, what's the problem?" She sighed. "Apple Bloom and her friends have gone missing. And they've gone to go fight Vice Grip." "Oh. Well... crap."