Chapter Twenty-Eight
There aren’t many things better than waking up next to someone you love. I don’t know what any of those things are, mind you, but I do know that opening my eyes to find Twilight looking at me was rather nice. I suppose it should have been a bit more creepy than I’d found it, but Twilight had woken up under the same circumstances before and I’d explained that I just liked looking at her from time to time. I assumed that the feeling was mutual.
“Wake up to perfection and the rest of the day just feels like it’s going downhill.” I flirted blearily.
Twilight chuckled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We’d started saving normal kisses until after coffee. “You say that now, but you never know! Today might just be one of your better ones.”
“It’s already starting out good.” I rolled over onto my back and sat up, yawning. “Do you think Spike’s up already, or am I going to make breakfast today?”
“Omelettes do sound pretty good. I think we have enough eggs.” Twilight slid out of bed and started picking out clothes for the day.
I’d brought over a set last night so I would have something to change into. “Do you want me to wait until after showers to start cooking?”
“Yes please. If you can get to the kitchen before Spike, leave a note telling him that we’ll make breakfast today.” Twilight requested.
“No, I'll make breakfast. I still remember the smell from the last time you tried to cook.” I chuckled. She’d turned potatoes into charcoal after dressing them like they were already cooked. I never knew that you could clear a house so quickly in the middle of winter.
“That was one time! I didn’t know that potatoes were flammable!” Twilight objected.
“You’re lucky Spike likes burnt food, otherwise you might have been in trouble.” I rose and stretched some more.
“Shush and go! March!” Twilight ordered playfully.
I headed downstairs to find Spike doing some prep work for breakfast. Thankfully, he’d been using the black apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ instead of his frilly pink one, though I was sure that he still had it somewhere, despite my warnings. I’d gotten him his new apron after I’d heard a round of comments from the girls one day about how adorable Spike was with his old one, and the guy seemed to be confused as to why I wanted him to switch. I let him know that ‘adorable’ and ‘handsome’ are two completely different responses from women, and that we should work on getting ‘adorable’ changed over to something more masculine, hence the new apron. Spike absolutely loved wearing it whenever the girls were over because it usually meant that he was getting kisses from Rarity and Fluttershy.
I trained him well.
I let Spike know that I was planning on taking over the breakfast activities and he told me to stop bothering him and go be sappy with Twilight or something. Unluckily for him, Twilight always had plenty of tape and paper on hand, so I stuck a ‘Lick Me’ sign to his back while he wasn’t paying attention and went back upstairs to see if Twilight had gotten in the shower yet. She had, so I blew some time doing push-ups and crunches because I was about to get clean anyway. I’d worked up a little sweat when Twilight came into the room, so I finished with my set before rising to greet her.
“My turn?” I asked, a little winded.
Twilight’s eyes were glued to areas that were not my face and I was rather thankful that I’d thought to take off my shirt. “What?” She asked after a moment, refocusing on my eyes.
“Is it my turn in the shower?” I lifted a brow.
“Oh, yes, sorry!” Twilight said quickly. I noticed that her eyes were trying, and failing, to stay on my face.
“Look where you want, cherry, it’s all yours anyway.” I patted her shoulder on my way out and tried to sway my hips like Fluttershy did when fun was about to ensue.
Twilight giggled, so with my mission accomplished, I took my shower. The water was warm, my soap smelled great, and Twilight had totally been naked in this room before me. My heart hammered a beat as my imagination wandered, making me giggle like a was a Japanese schoolgirl or some shit. I’d never been terribly sensitive to nudity, but the thought of seeing Twilight Au Naturale made me excited like no other. Of course, I’d had a lot of practice breaking down tents from my teenage years, despite never having gone camping.
I finished up with my shower, but my usual methods of calming down weren’t working, so I pulled a Rupaul and tucked it so that it would be less noticeable. After wiping away the steam on the mirror, I wondered if I should have a barber shave my beard for me. Twilight hadn’t really said anything about it, so I’d just left it there ever since I’d come back from the Everfree. In fact, no one ever said anything about my beard. I was a little offended before I realized that I was basically growing face fur, though it was longer than any Pony’s by far.
I whipped out the Warbling Blade and slowly whacked away at my beard, making sure not to cut myself. About fifteen minutes later, I had a nice, clean shave and a very cold face. I immediately wished that I’d saved shaving until after winter, but I could deal with the last vestiges of the cold months. Spring was coming next month, and I was excited for it since it meant that I could get out of my house and back into the forests. I hadn’t been hunting in some time now, and missed the thrill of a one on one battle of instinct against wit, but I could hold onto my mildly psychopathic tendencies until I had a chance to meet an opponent in the Everfree.
Finished with my morning ritual and then some, I joined Twilight and Spike for a lovely breakfast. Spike was a little perturbed since Twilight had licked his face for no apparent reason and refused to tell him why she’d done so, but I kept my laughter to myself, despite Spike’s flurry of questions asking about what exactly had gotten into Twilight. There was little that could convince me to tell him that I’d stuck a sign to him before the day was up.
We finished up with breakfast shortly since Twilight and Spike didn’t really talk over meals in the morning. The little Dragon had outdone himself this morning, so Twilight and I had given him plenty of praise for being an adept chef. Seriously, if Spike could have a Cutie Mark, it would probably be in cooking or something. I decided not to lick Spike as a reward, though I probably wouldn’t have anyway because scales and tongues don’t seem like they’d work well together. If the Ponies wanted to get a taste of Spike, then they were welcome to it. My tongue stays in my mouth, unless it’s in someone else’s. Even then, I’m only sharing for a little while.
Spike went out to go see Apple Bloom since she was probably awake, so Twilight and I went back upstairs and did some snogging in the privacy of her bedroom. Since we had some time to ourselves and after yesterday’s events, Twilight asked me to handle the controller while she gave me a mouth hug. Honestly, right now I’m conflicted. I want to record every important event, but every moment with Twilight feels important. I’d like to look back on my perspective of these memories with her some day, but I don’t want some slimy fucker wanking to my woman.
I just asked Twilight to add another privacy spell to my journal.
Twilight, while inexperienced, had put a lot of her brainpower into wrapping her head around the act. Fluttershy had given her good advice on the pleasure aspect and Rarity had spoken to her about techniques for a long haul, and their ready answers to Twilight’s questions allowed her to get a visualization of how and what she she should be doing. I’d never thought that speculation and the occasional not-to-scale testing would bring forth such good results, but it might have just been the fact that it was Twilight. Either way, we had a good time and Twilight always made clean up easy. She’d told me that it was another tip from Fluttershy, and much more quietly, that she enjoyed doing it. Of course she’d added ‘for you’ after a moment, but she knows she can’t pull one over on me. It doesn’t stop her from trying, which I find adorable.
We went back downstairs after a an hour or so of fun time and did what we usually do: drink tea and read. That passed the time pleasantly until around three when Rarity and Fluttershy came over. They joined us in the library, telling us about their morning at the spa. I couldn’t help but notice that Twilight continued laying on me while Fluttershy went on about this new hot stone thing they were trying, which was her way of staking her claim, if I’m correct. Rarity took about ten minutes to say something.
“Why, Twilight, I must say, you’re being more… Personal with Max than usual, aren’t you?” She asked, a little confused.
Twilight sat up and looked to Rarity, though her hand found mine with a practiced ease. “I guess I was just comfortable.” Twilight chuckled nervously.
Rarity’s eyes found the contact immediately. “Twilight? Our agreement?”
Twilight gave her a bewildered look, so I squeezed her hand. She glanced at it and did a double take before snatching her hand away. “Oh! Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” She grinned sheepishly.
“Has something happened that we should be aware of?” Rarity asked neutrally.
I decided to bite the bullet and spit it out already. “I picked Twilight.”
Fluttershy gasped and Rarity’s face didn’t change at all. “Darling, what do you mean by that?” She asked flatly.
“I mean that I pick Twilight. There will be no other in my heart before her.” I stated factually.
Rarity and Fluttershy exchanged stunned looks before lunging at us like wild animals. Granted, they were animals that wanted to smother one with affection and crush people with hugs, but animals nonetheless. They chorused their congratulations and I was rather thrilled that they’d taken the news so well. There was some babbling about mushy love stuff that wasn’t terribly important, though I will say that hearing Twilight claim me as hers was nice.
Things eventually got down to business, and Fluttershy asked, “So does this mean that we can’t see Max for, well, quality time anymore?”
“I must admit, I was a bit worried about that myself.” Rarity chimed in.
Twilight looked to me. “It’s up to you, cherry.” I told her.
“Really? No help at all?” Twilight asked.
“I’m happy with you. I don’t mind entertaining other women for some time, but if it’s not okay with you, then it’s not happening.”
Twilight beamed. “Okay, you can borrow him from time to time. Max, I want you to tell me if you sleep with another mare.”
“Does it count if I look in the mirror as Roxy and get off?” I asked innocently.
“Just because you asked, yes.” Twilight said, coloring slightly.
“Oi, I’ll let you watch too! Don’t be jealous.” I teased.
Twilight swatted my shoulder absently and hit the same spot she usually did. If she swung harder, I would probably have a bruise from all the times I’d said the wrong thing. “Hush!”
“We’ll let you know before we borrow Max, if at all possible.” Rarity said, cutting across our aside.
Twilight smiled. “Thank you, I appreciate that. You know, for some reason, it’s a little harder to share Max now.”
“That’s love for you.” Fluttershy sighed dreamily.
I got up to go make some tea since things were about to get mushy again, but Twilight was out of her favorite kind. I remembered that her second favorite was my go to whenever I was at her house, so I brewed some of that and took some time to do some thinking. I didn’t really know how I felt about Rarity and Fluttershy anymore. They were still important to me, but Twilight took up most of my heart, so I can’t say that I loved them as I once did. Honestly? I didn't really even feel much of a desire to sleep with either of them, though I knew that I would enjoy it if I did. It just wasn’t the same, thinking about my time with them versus my time with Twilight. It had been special with each of them, but I’d known that there was just something else to Twilight.
It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, knowing that I’d simultaneously closed two doors in opening one, but there was nothing I could do about it at this point. I couldn’t possibly fathom feeling the way I do about Twilight with anyone else, and I doubted that it was going to change anytime soon, though that did make me wonder why polygamy was even a thing if two people could feel this way about each other. Well, maybe that was why polygamy was a thing: So you can broaden your horizons without fear of losing someone important. It felt like a bit of a copout to the Human game of love, which I feel is much more difficult. At least the Ponies usually knew how they were feeling and were up front about saying it, whereas my people like to play silly fucking games and drop obscure hints.
Former hatred of the dating game in general aside, I came back into the library with some tea and the girls continued talking like I wasn’t even there. If this was a rarer occurrence, I might have been put off, but I knew that the only way I was getting into that conversation was as Roxy, and even then it would be a pain in the arse to follow. Since I wasn’t needed for at least an hour, I decided to go see what Noir thought of me already having a catalyst. I let Twilight know that I was going to meditate in her room for a little bit and went to go do so. Once I was settled in the usual position, I closed my eyes, took three deep breaths, and opened them again to find myself in a pub I used to go to. Noir was playing pool with a glass of some amber liquid on the table not too far from her. She looked like a business woman that had just gotten off of work and was enjoying an evening away from home. I thought it sounded like the set up to a porn film or something, but Noir didn’t comment on the thought.
“So you have found a catalyst in The Warbling Blade.” She said before a bad scratch. Noir frowned and retrieved the cue ball plus one more as a penalty.
“I believe I have. I’m guessing you’re not going to teach me much more about it.” I said.
“You have an adequate set of tools. Apply them correctly and you will be able to overcome many obstacles.” She sighed after scratching again and just re-racked the balls.
“You already know I agree. I’m just happy that when I draw with the stiletto, the magic looks a little blue.”
“It is the nature of my magic. I always did find black and green to be terrible together.” Noir stated.
“Black and blue does suit you. Why do you wear so much black, but not blue?” I asked.
She looked down at her black blouse and skirt. The blouse turned a dark blue and Noir looked back up to me. “Is this better?”
“I wasn’t complaining, just asking. If black is your thing, you could always try this.” I pointed off to my left and imagined the most emo dude I had even seen. Osiris’, baggy black pants with chains all over them, some T-Shirt from a bad bubblegum punk garbage band, and more piercings than should have been possible.
Noir frowned in distaste. “The only experiences I have with people of this sort are yours, and you generally avoided them, despite knowing that they were normal people.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t like the style. The whole androgyny thing never really appealed to me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Your hair was longer than most of theirs, though nowhere near as styled. I suppose that is a masculine enough feat, to not take care of your body.”
“It’s just hair! I do need to get a haircut, though. It looks fine enough as it is, but I know Twilight wants to ask, and Rarity wants to chew me out for going around looking like this.”
“Ask her to cut your hair for you.” Noir said simply. “She keeps a pair of salon scissors in her bag, and would most likely find a style that suits you.”
“I’ll do that. Rarity is known to have a steady hand and some creative prowess. I just hope she doesn’t make me look like a prick.”
Noir handed me a cue. “She cannot make you look like what is inside.”
“Are you saying that I’m a prick?”
“I am saying that Rarity cannot make you look like something that you already are.” Noir grinned.
“You’re totally saying I’m a prick. You know what? I’ll break.” I grinned evilly at her and the smile fell from her face.
“Would you truly beat a woman so barbarically?”
I just grinned and lined my shot up. I used a jump ball to pocket one on the first shot and the game began from there. I gave Noir a single shot to catch up to a six ball deficit, but she scratched and I wiped the table. Just to be a show off, I let her have another shot and she sent it clear across the table, making me use my well practiced spin shot to sink the 8 Ball. Noir crossed her arms after her loss and we changed scenery.
We stood in a large, open room that seemed a bit like a gymnasium or something, but made predominantly of stone. There were hoops on either side of the court, and Noir was now holding something not unlike a basketball. She was wearing some female athletic attire from my world that suited her rather well, so I changed into some shorts and a T-Shirt.
“Are we seriously going to play basket ball? You’re faster and taller than I am!” I objected.
“We played your game, now we must play mine.” Noir grinned deviously.
Long story short, Noir barely had to get off of the floor to dunk, and I was painfully caucasian with my basketball skills anyway. Noir blocked every shot, shut down every rush, and pretty much just stuck to me like glue. I, on the other hand, was barely able to keep up with the ancient being's mad skills and was often left on the floor after a brutal cross up. We played to twenty, though the only one who even scored was Noir. She gave me a shit eating grin after the last basket and asked, “Do you want to play again?”
“Not after being wrecked that thoroughly, I don’t. Was this a sport a thousand years ago or something?” I asked.
“It was, and it was very similar to your basketball. It was a lot bloodier in my time, though that did make it far more entertaining to play.” Noir sighed. “Sadly, the times where people weren’t afraid of a little pain are over.”
“Not back on earth. I’m sure that there are still fools doing nut shot videos in someone’s backyard.”
“There may be, but it is not of your concern now. What you should be worried about is the fact that an old lady just trounced you without breaking a sweat.” Noir beamed.
I gave her the two finger salute. “Shove it, granny. We can always play some more billiards.”
“I believe that physical sports are more my specialty.”
“More dumb muscle, huh?”
She gave me a look and I laughed. “Do you remember your offer to match our strengths?” She asked
I thought about it. “You mean wrestling? Yeah, I remember. What about it?”
The scene changed again and we were in the middle of a clearing in a forest. Waves of grass blew gently with the breeze and Noir stalked toward me. I decided not to wait for her strides and started closing the distance a bit. Noir was faster than me in a straight line, but I could outmaneuver her if I played my cards right, so I waited until she went to make her lunge and faked to the right. Noir hadn’t committed before, but she saw an opportunity while I was ‘off balance’ and went for it. I sidestepped and caught her arm, throwing a leg over her so I could put Noir in a shoulder lock. Maxwell had taught me a lot about going up against someone bigger than me when we’d scrapped, so I was a little more slippery than Noir might have liked I sank the arm lock pretty decently, but it didn’t help that she was just so much stronger than I was. I’m pretty sure Noir dislocated her own shoulder to get out of the hold, and once I let go, she caught my collar with her other arm and threw me over her head, flat on my back. I was winded, but I still tried to get up, though I didn’t have the chance. Noir straddled my chest and pinned my shoulders under her knees, making it just about impossible to get up. It didn’t help that she was heavy as fuck anyways.
“Alright, you win.” I gasped. “Old lady beats up young man. Who would’ve thought?”
Noir booped me. “I would have thought. I must say, it is fun being on top of you.”
“That’s a pretty popular opinion.” I commented.
A blue aura surrounded her right arm and I heard a nasty pop. Noir grimaced for a moment before rotating it around to make sure everything was okay. “I am aware. That is why I said so.”
“Are you coming onto me or something?” I asked.
“No, I am teasing you.” Noir got off of me. “And I am not heavy. You are simply weak.” She huffed.
I sat up. “You’re heavy as fuck. You’ve got like, a full foot of height on me and I would be willing to bet a couple kilos.”
Noir offered me a hand so she could shove me when I stood. “You know of all the best ways to make a woman feel special, do you not?”
“I gave up trying to charm you when I realized that you could read my mind, not that you don’t already know that.”
“And yet you still want to lay me. Your fetish for royalty is amusing.” Noir shook her head, grinning.
“I just like the sound of being every princess’ favourite pauper. After Celestia, it just feels like something I should aim for.” I remarked.
“You are already friends with five current or former ruling powers now. Elfriede and Celestia would sleep with you whenever you asked, Cadance is interested, I am simply saying that I want you to know me better, and Luna probably won’t sleep with you under any circumstance.” Noir stated. I was wondering where I stood with them.
“It’s nice when you answer questions that I haven’t asked yet. It’s like getting your bacon cooked just right when you haven’t said anything.” I smiled.
She patted my shoulder. “I know, that’s why I did it. I find your analogy to be adequate.”
“Of course you do, you understand the emotion behind it. Speaking of, how are you feeling?” I asked.
Noir blinked at me. “That was unexpected. You spoke without thinking.”
“That’s not an answer to my question.” I said.
Noir sighed. “Being blindsided is not fun. Truthfully, I wish that I could spend more time with you. It does get lonely in here, though I believe that wandering through your memories to find something to do helps immensely.”
“Is there a way to talk to you without meditating?” I asked. “I know that when I spent time alone on Earth, hearing a friendly voice brightened my day.”
Noir chuckled. “Your concern is kind, though it is unnecessary. I have told you before that I cannot become depressed, so do not worry: I will be perfectly fine.”
“Still, I’ll try to visit a little more often-”
She shook her head. “No. I will not have you spending more time than necessary in your mind. Once a day is plenty enough to ward off the worst of my loneliness.”
I shrugged. “Then I’ll either catch you in the morning or at night.”
“It will not hurt my feelings if you miss a day. It will also not hurt my feelings if you simply choose not to return.” Noir stated factually.
“Bullshit. You do have feelings, and I doubt that you’d just be fine without having personal contact. I might not understand you very well, but I understand friendship pretty decently and friends don’t let friends suffer if they can help it.” I closed my eyes and imagined a merry-go-’round.
Noir stared at it. “Your words are touching, but I am not getting on that thing.”
“Do it, Noir.”
“No.”
“Do it.”
"No."
"Do. It."
She rolled her eyes and grumbled. “Fine.”
Noir boarded the playground toy and I set my hands on the rails. “Are you ready for the time of your life?” I asked cheekily.
“I am a six thousand year old eldritch being that has ended more lives than most contagious diseases, run my own country, created my own form of magic, and cowed thousands of men before my might. Spinning in a circle like a child from your world will not be my crowning achievement.”
“No, but being spun around in a circle by a one of a kind species in said species's mind while wearing clothes from a different world- Wait.” I paused as I was preparing to spin. “Why don’t I have Rarity start making sports wear? I’m sure we could make some money while doing it. With you bolstering my memory, I’m sure we could get a functional prototype going within a week or two.”
“You prolong my suffering with your tangent. It is a good idea, but let us get this over with.”
I shrugged. “Don’t get ill.”
I grabbed one of the rails on the merry-go-’round and started running because that’s the fastest way to get them started. Then I remembered a Youtube video that I’d spent far too long laughing at and imagined a wheel spinning at ridiculous speeds. Noir was sitting in the middle of the contraption, so I wasn’t worried about her flying out right at this moment. I touched my construct to the merry-go-’round and it picked up speed rather quickly. I grinned to myself and found a decent time to hop on, struggling to join Noir in the center. Once I was there, I turned it up a notch, and about a minute later, Noir and I were flung through the air like we were Mardi Gras beads. Luckily, Noir had the presence of mind to change the scene into a padded room, though we still hit the walls pretty hard. I bounced off of the floor and laid there for awhile because I was dizzier than a metaphor and twice as nauseous. The merry-go-’round wasn’t my best idea, but it had been fun.
“We are never doing that again.” Noir groaned a few meters away from me.
I didn’t trust myself to open my eyes, let alone speak, so I grunted by way of response. It took a few minutes for my head to stop spinning, but once it did, I sat up against the soft wall and looked at Noir who was still face down on the floor. At least it was a soft floor.
“Alright, so we’ll find something slower to go on next time.” I said before standing.
Noir turned her head so she could speak. “I despise you so much right now.”
“It’ll fade with the nausea, love.” I walked over and sat next to her prone form.
She pushed herself up and sat down. “The nausea has been gone, but I still despise you. I like these padded rooms, though what that says of my mental state is to be determined.”
“You know you were having fun until it got too fast.” I said playfully.
“I was. The ‘too fast’ part is all your fault.” Noir chided.
“Yes, but you can’t appreciate the good times without the bad, so suck it up.” I patted her shoulder.
Noir whacked me with one of her wings. “Damn you and your whimsy.” She appeared to think for a second. “As much as I would like to show you my favourite torture device, our time is coming to a close. Have fun with Twilight, Maximus. Tell her I said hello.”
“I will, though I don’t know how she’ll feel about Nightmare Moon telling her to have a nice day.” I commented.
“She will accept it if it is you who speaks.” Noir smiled and waved me off.
I could feel my eyelids start to close, but I wanted to ask why exactly it was that we never spent that much time together. It would have to be saved until next time, so when I opened my eyes again, I made a mental note to talk to Noir about that before checking my pocket watch. A little time had passed while I’d been meditating, but only fifteen minutes. I found that to be odd since time seemed to move differently in my mind, but I shrugged it off and made another note to ask Noir about the time dilation.
Since there was only one thing on my itinerary, I went back into the library to find that the girls were still talking about something or other, so I had a seat next to Twilight and waited out the storm. I was immediately dragged into the conversation, despite my reluctance. Thankfully, I manipulated the conversation just right, so we were on the topic of hair before too long. I mentioned that I’d wanted to get my hair off of my shoulders, which is why I cut it. Rarity chided me for not going to a proper barber instead of just chopping the majority of it off willy nilly. I asked her if she had any ideas of what to do with it, and I swear her day was made. Rarity wasted no time dragging me off to the kitchen, but at Twilight’s little cough, she let me go and went to go grab a towel.
Fluttershy and Twilight joined me in the kitchen and Rarity returned with the towel. Noir had been right about Rarity carrying salon quality scissors in her bag, though I wondered how she’d known that because I hadn’t even known that. I chalked it up to something that I probably just never paid attention to and waited for Rarity to make me pretty. It took an hour for her to finish up, but the smile on Twilight’s face was well worth the time. Once we were finished with the act itself, Rarity handed me a mirror and I surveyed her work. She’d made me look like some snobby prick, but I had to admit that it didn’t look bad, although I’d had my reservations. Twilight said that I looked quite handsome and I could feel my face flush, which made Rarity and Fluttershy chuckle. I told them to shut up and they continued laughing at me.
Rarity decided to leave about twenty minutes after she finished with the haircut, so I gave her a hug and thanked her for being so pleasant. She assured me that she was always pleasant and left as I was rolling my eyes. Fluttershy stuck around to ask Twilight about the difference between what she’d felt for me previously and how she felt for me now. Twilight said that there really hadn’t been a doubt in her mind before, but when we’d had our moment, something had just clicked and her feelings intensified. Fluttershy asked I told her that Twilight had told me the truth when I’d needed it most, and that she’d given me a realistic promise when I’d asked for something unreasonable. Fluttershy was curious as to what that question was, so Twilight and I said it to her in unison. It was a little odd that we’d synced up so perfectly, but Fluttershy had thought it was adorable and said as much. The buttery fluttery Pegasus talked for awhile longer before taking her leave, wishing us well.
I didn’t want to leave Twilight, but I still had a house to look after, so I bid her a good night, but was forestalled by a few goodbye kisses that lasted longer than they probably should have. I wasn’t complaining by any means, but I’d wanted to get going before the Sun set and it was dark by the time Twilight let me go. Again, not complaining. The more time I spend with Twilight, the happier I feel.
I’d invited Twilight to come along with me, but she’d said that Spike was due back home at any minute, and that she’d wanted to be home when he returned. It was perfectly fine by me, though that was mostly because Twilight said that she would bring Spike with her whenever he came home. It meant that we would most likely hear plenty of gagging and the occasional honest dry heave, but I hoped that Spike would be asking questions about what real love felt like. I doubted that it was going to be on his mind when he saw me snogging his sister, but a man can hope.
The walk back home had seemed far longer than it used to, but I assumed that it was because I was walking in the opposite direction of the one I wanted to be with. I couldn’t really do anything about it, so I kept going until I got home and started looking for something to do. There was precious little that needed to be cleaned since I wasn’t exactly a messy person when it came to my personal effects, but swept anyway and grabbed my journal. I was filling in the parts about falling face first for Twilight with a goofy smile on my face when the woman on my mind knocked on my door. I immediately dropped what I was doing and ran to the door, taking a moment to check myself in the mirror nearby before opening it. Twilight greeted me with a smile and Spike sighed hard, but I told him that he would have free run of my game room, so he cheered up quickly and went to go bash some balls together on my billiards table.
After setting a record on the player, I went back to writing in my journal and let Twilight browse through my collection of records so she could see if she wanted to listen to something else. Twilight put on a collection of classical music that was meant for waltzes and pulled me away from my writing for a little dance. Twilight trod on my toes like I was part doormat, but it’s not like I’m any sort of dancer myself, so we just spun around in circles around my living room, enjoying the moment. Spike came out of my parlour to go grab something to drink and watched us for a little while, sticking around until we finished up. He grabbed his drink and walked up to us before asking why we were spending so much time together lately. We told him that he would get it once he fell in love, and that he would actually understand it once he found the real deal. He didn’t quite get what we were talking about, so he asked a few more questions about how he was supposed to know what the real thing was. Twilight and I gave him the best answers that we could come up with, but he was just too young to get the picture.
Twilight let me finish up with my journals and asked if she could read them. I hesitated for a second before handing the book to her. “Wow… I never thought that you would just… Well, hand it over.” She said, shocked.
“I have no secrets from you, cherry. That’s really all there is to it.” I shrugged.
She fingered the spine and looked at the journal for a moment. “Are you sure you don’t mind? Isn’t your journal supposed to be full of your deepest thoughts?”
I gave her a crooked smile. “It is. Twilight, if you asked me about anything in those pages, I would tell you anyway. All you have to do is ask, and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
Twilight stroked the face of the book. “... Thank you. Should I skim, or do a deep read?”
“I like to think that I keep things detailed enough to warrant a deep read. While you’re doing that, I think I might pick up with A Thousand Moments.” I went to go find where I’d left the first draft and brought it back into the living room.
Twilight laid her head on my lap and levitated my journal so that she could read in her usual position, leaving me to try and write around her head. She eventually magicked up some hard air so that I could set my book down and write while she read. We took the occasional break to grab a drink or a snack, but we stayed in the same position for hours at a time until Spike let us know that he was going to bed. I told him to pick any room that he wanted and he said that he was picking my bedroom, so Twilight told him that if he stole my bed from us, she would turn him into a combination of Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s color schemes. Spike picked one of my guest rooms on the first floor and told Twilight that she was absolutely evil.
We continued doing what we had been long into the night. I didn’t really want to go to sleep and miss a little extra time with Twilight, and she was enraptured by the inner workings of my mind. Once Spike went to bed, she read the entry I’d made about our time together at my welcoming party out loud with a bright blush on her face. She stuttered and stammered through it and I laughed my arse off, remembering the time with no small amount of amusement. Twilight said that she only remembered bits and pieces of it and I reminded her that her drunkenness was the reason that we hadn’t had sex in the first place, which made her make the most adorable ‘Squee’ I’d heard in some time. I don’t know how Ponies make that sound, but I do know that Twilight is the best one at doing it adorably, although I might be a little biased.
I suddenly remembered to tell her that Noir said hello and Twilight asked if I’d done the sex to her yet. I assured Twilight that Noir respected our relationship and would most likely only make a move on me once she got permission from Twilight herself. She seemed to like that and asked if she could talk to Noir sometime, though I didn’t know if that would be possible at all. I offered to tell Twilight everything I knew about my ‘evil’ little friend, and she closed the journal to give me her full attention, so I put up my own busy work and launched into the small list of things I knew about Noir.
Honestly, there wasn’t really all that much to go on. She hadn’t steered me wrong yet, and her advice seemed to be quite sound. Her willingness to accept that she messed up went a long way with me, and the fact that she’d been using information that I’d been ignoring to come up with solid solutions and advice made me respect her. Noir seemed like a crafty, kind person to me, though I couldn’t help but remember Luna’s warning. I needed to feed Noir with a long handled spoon if I didn’t want to get bitten, but everything I’d seen from her so far told me that Noir was probably one of the most trustworthy people I’d ever met. She had yet to say so much as a half truth to me, though Twilight pointed out that she might be playing nice just so that she could turn the tables on me. I let her know that the solid facts that I had about Noir were that she wouldn’t hurt Twilight or myself, though she might play pranks on me from time to time. Twilight asked if she could run the diagnostic spell that she’d asked to perform a couple days ago and I let her do as she pleased. It took her about thirty minutes before she opened her eyes and beamed at me.
“Well, I have good news and bad news.” Twilight said, her smile sticking around.
“Bad news always comes first.” I said.
“Alright, so the bad news is that Noir isn’t going to sleep with you any time soon.” Twilight said brightly.
“Damn, and here I was hoping to dip my dick in some Dark Magic tonight. What’s the good news?” I asked.
“You have my permission to sleep with her whenever you’re ready. Noir really is quite the pleasant mare, even if she is a little on the tall side.”
“Awesome. So what do you think of her, besides just being pleasant?”
“Well, I think that Noir cares about you a lot, and that she has your best interests at heart. If her broken horn is anything to go by, then she can't hurt you while she’s connected to your soul, so you’re okay there.”
“That’s some lovely news. I wanted to ask why her horn was broken, but it just seemed like it would be in poor taste to ask.”
“I’m sure you could ask her. Noir is very forthcoming with information.” Twilight patted my leg.
“Nice to know that she likes you too. Did you talk about anything important?” I asked.
“We talked about you a little bit and that seemed pretty important. Other than that, I just got to know her a little.” Twilight laid back down on my lap and levitated my journal.
“It’s nice to hear that you think I’m important. I know you love me, but it’s just nice to hear, you know?”
Twilight giggled. “Then I’ll be sure to tell you as often as I can, my handsome little Human.”
“Please do, my pretty little Pony.”
We both got a chuckle out of that. Twilight made writing the sappy bits of A Thousand Moments extremely easy since all I had to do was imagine that my main love interest was a male version of her. Come to think of it, I’d based my main character off of Roxy and the main love interest off of Twilight, and that was back from A Single Breath. Now that I took the time to analyze my writing, I realized that I’d already known that I was going to pick Twilight. At some subconscious level, Twilight had always been the one for me, and I laughed out loud at how long it had taken me to realize that. Twilight had always been my confidant and for a short time, my caretaker. I thought back to the times that Twilight had been there for me, and how she’d been willing to keep at it when she was learning how to work with me properly. Such things can be easily taken for granted if you don’t realize how difficult you really are at times. I guess I'm lucky in that respect since I know I'm a dunce most of the time.
Much to our surprise, the Sun rose. I quickly made some Pitch Black Death™ and we sat on my back porch to watch the sun rise over the Whitetail woods. It was a little chilly, but I was glad for it since it incentivized Twilight to join me in my seat. It was one of the few times she’d ever actually laid on me, and I was absolutely thrilled, so I did my best to stay calm and enjoy the moment. Twilight commented on the pounding of my heart, so I told her that she was the reason. After that, Twilight didn’t lift her head from my chest until the Sun was up.
Neither of us were terribly tired, so we just stayed up instead of trying to catch some paltry amount of sleep.. We would have gone for a couple rounds on the billiards table, but we didn’t know if it would wake Spike up, so Twilight cast a muffling spell and we battled it out. I took the first couple rounds because I kept it up with the distractions, but Twilight eventually learned that I lose all focus when she touches me, so she abused that pretty heavily until I started fighting fire with fire. Twilight had cost me three shots in a row, so during her next shot, I took my chance. Twilight stood ramrod straight when I palmed her bottom and her shot went way wide, causing her to foul. She gave me the most adorable glare and told me that touching erogenous zones was cheating, but I told her that it wasn’t fair because everywhere she touched felt like one of those areas to me. Twilight wasn’t hearing that mushy mess, so she took the page straight from my book and touched my bottom during my next shot, but I had been expecting it. I’d taken my shot right before Twilight struck, though that did mean she ruined my follow through. By the time we’d finally gotten through the game, we’d basically molested each other the entire time and I needed some relief that I wasn’t going to get any time soon.
Twilight apparently felt the same way because her blush took a good while to fade, but we never broached the subject of sex. It just wasn’t the right time. I did, however, try to channel my attention into making a better breakfast than Spike had made the previous day as a show of gratitude to the young man. I made sure to make his eggs nearly burned and his toast the same way, while making Twilight and myself some edible food. Spike actually woke up once I finished his food, so the three of us ate breakfast together before they took their leave from my home. I’d like to point out that they dined and dashed, but I was just happy that I’d gotten to make Twilight breakfast. Seriously, doing things for her was like crack as long as I got a smile or a kiss for it.
With Twilight gone, I felt the long night start catching up to me, so I cleaned the mess I’d made and got my arse into bed before I could crash. I laid there for awhile, thinking about nothing in particular when a letter flumed into existence from fire. I snatched it out of the air with ease and examined the seal on the letter. It didn’t seem like one I was familiar with, so I grabbed the Warbling Blade from my night stand and used it to preserve the seal, just in case I ever needed a forgery of it. The letter itself was a challenge against my honor from some prick named Prince Blueblood, though why he was challenging me, I’m not terribly sure. All the letter said that the guy was disputing my claim to my Barony, though why he was doing it wasn’t written, so I sent the letter to Celestia along with a note asking what the Hell I was supposed to do about it. Celestia found some time to write me back and told me that Prince Blueblood was her nephew the same way Cadance was, and that I could outright deny the challenge since she’d taken them out of the public eye some years ago. I told her that I planned on accepting it, but that I needed to know some details.
Basically, a duel in Equestria works how you think it would. Someone makes a challenge, and the other guy gets to pick what the contest is going to be. My first thought was a knife fight with our wrists tied together since it was my favourite way to battle, but Celestia told me that she would have Luna spank me if I killed Blueblood, so that was a no go. I suggested a game of pool as a way to settle it and Celestia told me to quit being an idiot, so I asked just what exactly she thought I should do if none of my ideas were working for her. She suggested the knife fight, but with freedom of movement, and I agreed because I was pretty sure that it was the best I was going to get from her. Celestia told me that she would set up the challenge in Canterlot in three days time, so I needed to brush up on my skills. I told sleep to go fuck itself and grabbed Nacht from my mantle on my way downstairs. Without an opponent, I was relegated to practicing a few lunges and movement, but I kept at it since moving was the basis of not getting fucked up in a fight when you’re my size. After working up a sweat doing that, I hit the showers and did some meditating.
Noir met me in my old hangout, playing more Borderlands until she found a good place to pause. When she did, she rose and we found ourselves in the courtyard of the old castle and she changed her outfit back into the sportswear that she’d had on for our basketball game. I had a funny feeling that I knew where this was going, so I imagined a knife that would leave paint wherever it struck and found it in my hand. I created another and floated it over to Noir, and without another word, we both dropped into different crouches and rushed each other. Noir’s reach was far longer than mine, but frankly, she was just too long to have much of a chance against me. Ponies aren’t known for being able to break ankles in a fight, so I busted out a little extra speed and hit Noir three times in one pass. She managed to land a glancing blow on my leg, but I was currently behind her, painting her wings and working my way around her. Noir was stuck in some form of purgatory since I just kept getting faster and faster, practically running circles around her, and by the time I was out of steam, Noir was mostly covered in red paint. I had a few splotches of blue paint on me from the occasional well timed swing, but I could count them on one hand, so I wasn’t terribly upset with the results. We thought away the paint and Noir gave me a pouty look unbefitting of a woman her age.
“You cheated. Damn you Humans and your blasted toes!” Noir hissed
“Oi! Don’t blame me just because you didn’t have the evolutionary foresight to have feet. Besides, you’re faster than I am in a straight up race.” I reasoned.
Noir pouted some more. “It is not fair. These hooves offer no grip for quick maneuvers.”
“Right. And our little basketball game was nothing but slow motion.” I rolled my eyes.
“That was different.” She protested.
“If you say so. Alicorn Macintosh.” I gave her a cheeky grin
“There is a reason that there are only female Alicorn,” I raised a brow, “and it is because males simply do not know when to be silent."
“Are you sure it isn’t because the female Alicorns are spiteful and killed them off? That seems equally likely to me.”
“First you gloat, now you accuse. I have half a mind to challenge you to a battle with swords, if anything than to humble you.” Noir stated drily.
“What’s the fun in that? Why don’t we just have angry make up sex and call it there?” I asked, grinning deviously.
“Because you heard your lover earlier. I am not sleeping with you any time soon.”
“Can we put a condom on your horn and shove it up my arse?” I asked quickly.
“... Why are you able to say things like that without thinking about it?” Noir asked cautiously.
“It’s the power of removing my filter, love. You know the things I’m tempted to say, but never do.”
“I will not put my horn anywhere near your posterior, so do not worry about me taking up that offer.” Noir assured me.
“Thank you, I knew you’d get that I wasn’t being serious, but you never know sometimes.” She nodded. “So what do you make of this whole challenge thing? Did I make the right choice in accepting?”
“I would never suggest that you back down from a challenge. How else are you to know your strength other than to challenge and to be challenged in turn?” Noir sighed dreamily. “I remember the days when I would accept all comers and smite them readily. None other than my sister could best me in battle during my prime, and even then she lost as often as I did.”
“Alright Miss Warbound, calm down. Do you have any suggestions for me? I mean, I know I’m going to carve this fucker up like a Christmas goose, but is there anything I should watch out for?” I asked.
“Few people of Equestria know what Dark Magic feels like, so if Blueblood uses magic against you, feel free to give him the Dark Glare to make him cease his faggotry.”
“Are we seriously calling it the Dark Glare? That’s cheesy as fuck.” I protested.
“And you would prefer giving someone the Black Eye?” Noir huffed.
“More like a Black Eye, but you get the drift. Come on, that’s pretty clever if I do say so myself.” I grinned.
“...It is not bad, I’ll give you that. Give Blueblood a Black Eye, and he will fall like a sack of tubers.” Noir nodded.
“Does that include carrots and parsnips? I don’t think I’ve seen a parsnip while I’ve been here.” I commented.
Noir gave me a look. “Why do you care so much about a parsnip? You never liked them, Maxwell would only eat them when he was in a mood, and the only fun thing you ever did with one was turn it into a bowl.”
I imagined a bath tub and filled it with weed because I could. “Here, now you have something to play with.”
“All I did was mention a bowl.” Noir sighed.
“You should know how my mind works by now. I’m a little scatterbrained up here, and it shows when I can create what I’m thinking about.
“It is interesting to see what you come up with, I will admit, but I find mental inhibitors to be- No. Not just no, but as you would say, Hell no.”
My old bong, Sinbad, was in my hands and the most brilliant smile I could bear was on my face. “Give him a try, open your heart to my son, Noir. He will love you as I do.”
“If you drop this topic, I will guide your hands the next time you draw so that you can give a glass blower an accurate schematic for a recreation of Sinbad.”
I made a noise of some kind that I probably couldn’t replicate. “You’d really do that for me?”
Noir glanced at Sinbad uneasily. “If it gets me out of this: happily.”
I tossed Sinbad back into the ether and charged Noir for a hug. She’d been expecting it, so she held her ground and reciprocated it. “Why having another way to consume marijuana makes you so happy, I will never fully understand, though I am glad that it does.”
I buried my face in her chest because Noir is fucking tall and that’s about all I could reach. “Thank you!” I said into her jiggly bits.
She patted my head and pushed me away. “You are welcome. I would like you to keep in mind, however, that you can induce an altered frame of mind while here, but you must keep a failsafe. If you are too intoxicated, you will be stuck like that until you find your failsafe.”
“So keep a Life Alert necklace on while I’m tripping, if I ever decide to while I’m in here. Gotcha. If I come in and you’re super fucked, what should I look for?” I asked.
“I will rarely induce more than a mild buzz from the various wines you have consumed. The way you taste them is odd to my palate.”
“I’m sure it is since I’m a completely different species and all. Have you tried my favourite yet?” I inquired.
Noir thought up a bottle and a couple of glasses. “I cannot get a feeling on whether or not you wish to partake.”
“Well, if it’s in my mind…”
She nodded and poured both glasses. With a quick toast to the Dark Arts and being lonely together, we sipped the wine and my stomach started hurting. Noir took my glass from me and drained both at the same time like a suburban mother of three, but unlike said mother, she didn’t chase it with a Xanax.
Noir hit me. “Why are you likening me to a stereotype?”
“Oi! I didn’t actually say anything, so why are you hitting me for my thoughts?” I asked irritably. “It’s not like I have any control over that. I just drew the comparison.”
Noir blushed. “Because it simultaneously implies that I have an issue with consumption of mind altering substances and that I am a ‘cougar’.”
“I’m sure you’re not an alcoholic,” I said sarcastically, “but you are technically a cougar if you have any intention of sleeping with me. I mean, aren’t you older than Celestia? She was a cradle robber already, but you’re not even waiting for the pregnancy to be over! You’re fucking the sperm!” I cackled.
Noir crossed her arms and glared at me. She didn’t have to close her eyes to change the scene this time around, and we ended up in my old Headmaster’s office. I’d seen the room many times in my life for fighting during school hours, but I’d only been there for stealing once, and even then they hadn’t been able to pin it on me. Of course, I’d stolen a lot of crap during my school days, but I’d never gotten caught for any of it. Call it my natural creativity when it comes to hiding stolen property.
Noir donned a smart, ash grey pantsuit, tied her ever flowing hair into a bun because fuck physics and sat down behind the Headmaster’s desk. Unfortunately, this was from primary school, so the seat she had me sit in was miniscule. I had been tempted to conjure up a throne just to fuck with her, but I decided to let her have her fun.
“Maximus, do you know why I have called you here?” Noir asked critically.
“N-No Headmaster, I-I don’t.” I mocked.
She picked up a meter stick and rapped my knuckle from across her desk. “I will not tolerate your nonsense. You called a woman old to her face, made the most disturbing analogy, and compared her to another woman, all in a few sentences. How do you expect to grow into a productive member of society if you can’t respect women?”
“Gee, teach, I’m awful sorry about my insolence, I’ll try to keep it down to sexual harassment.” I drawled.
Noir intensified her glare. “That’s even worse.”
“Just so we’re clear, if I said that your outfit fulfilled one of my fetishes, would that be sexual harassment?” I asked cheekily.
She went to swat my knuckle again and I moved my hand. “That’s it! You are receiving detention for the rest of this week!”
”If I promise to give you the best dick of your life, will you let me off the hook?” I grinned.
She threw a stack of sticky notes at me and I lost my shit. Noir joined me shortly after and threw the fake glasses that she’d been wearing at me too. Once we finished being fools, I lead Noir around the old school and tried to give her a decent tour of it, but she corrected me more often than I got a teacher’s room right. It was still pretty cool to see some of my memories again, but it wasn’t necessarily all good. I missed my old home, but I was glad that my new one was satisfactory in more ways than England had been anyways. Noir took me by the school’s old library to cheer me up, and seeing that my mind had actually been paying attention to the titles of these old things was remarkable. There was a shelf full of books that I could read, but there were stacks of those that I’d never taken the time to look at, and when I picked from those stacks, the covers were the same color as the spine and had the title splayed across the top in the same font. Opening those books presented blank pages, so throwing them around trying to break windows was pretty fun. Noir teleported us out of there before I could fuck around anymore.
I took her to go get some ice cream at my favorite little shop. Noir told me that I could play back a memory if I didn’t want to go in there and bother with it myself, and I asked her just how the shit I was supposed to do that. Noir said to just close my eyes and think real hard, so I did, and much to my surprise, it fucking worked. I saw the employees inside whose names I’d never bothered to learn milling about just as I’d seen once upon a time and got my ice cream. It was odd since I didn’t remember the conversation I’d had with the girl working the counter, but she went through the motions and laughed at jokes I hadn’t told. I was surprised to find that I’d gotten her number on the back of the receipt, but I never remembered whether or not I called her. Noir told me that I never did since that was around the time I’d started seeing Maggie.
We talked about something else after that.
It’s not that things ended particularly badly with Maggie, it’s just that I’d lost her due to my lifestyle and inability to hold down a real job. She’d been my first real love and I’d tried to make things work, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. I later learned that she’d gotten addicted to heroin and sought her out to see if I could get her off of the junk, and I did. We spent a few more months together before she relapsed and fell off of the face of the planet. I spent months looking for her and even hired a P.I. to help me find her, but to no avail. A few months before coming to Equestria, my search ended and I moved on with my life, but I still remembered the good times with her. Noir suggested that I try saying goodbye to her too, but I thought that it was unnecessary since I had Twilight to fill my heart now.
Before I left, I asked Noir why there were time limits on our time together and she told me that time just wasn’t the same in my mind. There wasn’t much more to go on after that, but Noir told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about it too hard. I parted with Noir and wondered what I should do with the rest of my day. It was only about six, which meant the Sun was on its way down. The days would start to get longer soon, but until then, I was still relegated to trying to make the most of the lengthening days. Hopefully the next day would be as warm as the weather mares had predicted. It was supposed to be warm enough to wear a dress if Rarity’s news was trustworthy, so I went out back and found the massive pile of mostly rotten wood that I’d constructed so many months ago. If the weather held, I would go into the forest with Twilight the next day and start dragging out dead trees so we could have some fuel for the fire. The pile was still damp at its core, so I would probably have to have Twilight start the fire unless I figured out some way to do it myself.
I wondered if I could just find a larger cardboard box and convert it into a tinder box when I realized that Twilight wasn’t the only one with a well of magic. I drew the Warbling Blade from its sheath and concentrated my Dark Magic into it. It turned a few shades darker since I hadn’t given the magic any direction so far. I wondered if there was a way to heat it up, so I closed my eyes and focused on imagery of fire, but all I could feel was the cool breeze that had persisted all day. It seemed to pick up slightly, but other than that, I didn’t notice any changes, so I opened my eyes and looked at the blade. It had changed form while my eyes were closed and I hadn’t even felt it It looked normal except for the fact that the air around the blade was wavering and that the blade itself was now serrated. I never did like serrated blades.
After finding a piece of wood nearby, I tried cutting it with the Warbling Blade and found that it sheared through the wood like a hot knife through butter, which wasn’t the desired effect. I tried stabbing the wood and willing it to ignite, but that didn’t work either, so I tried imagining that the blade itself was on fire. A whole lot of nothing happened, so I gave up and went to go see if I could cut down a dead tree in the Whitetail Woods. I didn’t have to go far to find one, and once I did, I used the serrated blade to cut gouges out of one side until the tree seemed like it was ready to fall. One good whack with my psychic tentacle, and it fell like so many blades of grass, except this one was much tougher and taller. It was too heavy for me to drag, even with my telekinesis, so I took a few good swing at it with a axe shape to the tentacle. A few whacks made good progress, but It was easier to just slice away at it with the Warbling Blade, so I tried making it longer using some good ol’ fashioned brainpower. I got an extra couple of centimeters out of it, so I tried again, but it wasn’t going to get any longer. I cut chunks out of the fallen timber until I could break through it with my telekinesis which sent splinters flying everywhere. It was cool in a pointless destruction sort of way. With my tree considerably lightened, I dragged the halves out of the forest one at a time and broke them down further around the bonfire until I had a massive stack of wood. I’d had to light a smaller pile to give me something to see by and that hadn’t been terribly difficult, so I went back inside, cleaned up, and wrote notes out to my friends and people that I liked that I was going to have a bonfire tomorrow. Twilight wrote back and told me that she and Spike were definitely coming, and that Pinkie and Rainbow said that they were going to try.
Lyra and Rarity both sent back notes telling me that they’d be there, so I already had a few people coming. Thankfully, I kept a massive store of marshmallows because I think they go well with coffee and cocoa, both of which I drink constantly during the cold months. I needed something else that could be roasted, so I asked Twilight what other kinds of things could be eaten at a bonfire. She sent me back a list of various fruits, so I went into town and picked out some vegetables because I’m difficult like that sometimes. There were a few out of season bell peppers and some jalapenos that Carrot Top, one of the local farmers, grew in her greenhouse because she was fond of them. They rarely sold to anyone other than me, so she usually let me have whatever I wanted from her personal stores at a good price. Today was the same thing, so I asked her if there was anything else that I should get for roasting and she told me that Ponies were fond of roasted apples, so I took my bushel of bells and went to go have a chat with the Apple family.
I met Apple Bloom at the entrance of her home and she gave me a hug. We’d grown closer ever since she’d started seeing Spike on the regular. “Hey Max!”
“Evening, Bloom. How’ve you been?” I asked politely.
“Well, Spike showed me and Sweetie how to make crowns of of tree branches, so that was pretty cool. And I even got to walk around with him alone for a while so that was even better!” She beamed happily.
I patted her head because I do that. “I’m glad to hear that things are working out well for the three of you. Have you done anything special lately?”
“Yeah! Me, Spike, Scootaloo, and Sweetie all teamed up to make lunch yesterday. Sweetie and Scoots burned their… Whatever it was that they were trying to make, so Spike looked at their recipes and made ‘em right!” Apple Bloom smiled proudly.
“Yeah, the guy is a great cook. It’s a shame you didn’t have him make you something for Heart’s and Hooves Day.” I remarked.
Apple Bloom gave me a look. “Mares are supposed to do somethin’ nice for their stallions on Hearts and Hooves Day, Max. Not the other way around.”
“I did something nice for my mares on Hearts and Hooves Day, and I only heard them complain until I made them see my side of the story.”
“You got a way of doin’ that, even when ponies are mad at you.” Apple Bloom commented.
“True. Do you think people would be mad if I just told you how to get your Cutie Marks?”
Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something and I got smacked in the back of the head. “Don’t pay him no mind, Apple Bloom, Max is full of hot air and not much else.” Applejack chided.
“I wanna hear what he has to say! If Max knows how to get my Cutie Mark, why wouldn’t I listen?” Apple Bloom protested.
“Yeah, Applejack. Why wouldn’t she listen?” I parroted sourly.
Applejack game me a womanly look that promised words in private. “Because findin’ your special talent ain’t somethin’ that a pony can just tell you how to do. You gotta find it for yourself, sugarcube.” That’s a load of bullshit.
“Right.” Apple Bloom and I chorused.
Applejack blushed and cleared her throat. “So Max, what brings you over? Your party ain’t until tomorrow, right?”
“It is not, but I need some apples so I can jam a stick into them and roast away.” I said bluntly.
“Well, let’s get a move on then. You can pick some or just buck a tree. Bring whatever you grab back here and we’ll haggle out a price.”
I flipped her a twenty bit coin. “A bit an apple sound fair to you?”
“They’re usually two per. Got anything smaller on you?” Applejack asked.
“Consider it a tip for the pleasure of picking my own apples. I’m sure you understand.” I said sarcastically.
“Keep it up buddy, and I’ll buck you back to Hearth’s Warming Day.” Applejack threatened playfully.
“That actually doesn’t sound all that bad. Getting kicked back to the day where people are giving me presents sounds like a bit of fun actually.”
Applejack swatted my shoulder “I can make it happen anytime sugarcube, just give me the word.”
“How about… Now!” I gave her a cheeky grin.
Applejack and her sister both rolled their eyes. “Somepony’s havin’ a good day. What happened to you?” Applejack asked.
“Fell for Twilight face first. It’s been a real mood booster, honestly.” I grinned.
“So you and Twilight are officially only seein’ each other now?” Apple Bloom inquired.
“That’s the gist of it. She gave me permission to see Rarity and Fluttershy on the side when they ask, but Twilight’s the only one I need.”
Applejack wrapped me hug in a bone crushing hug and waved me about in the air for a little bit. “I’m so glad to hear that! I knew you and Twilight had somethin’ different, but I didn’t want to lose any bits on the pool.” She put me down.
“Pool?” I wheezed. “Were you betting on who I’d end up with?”
“Well…” Applejack looked away. “Ya really weren’t supposed to know about that.”
“I don’t really care. It’s not like it directly affected how Twilight and I got together.” I shrugged it off and stretched. My bones felt awfully compressed.
Applejack nodded. “And Twilight gets the pool anyways. Darn it, I shouldn’t 'a been so cheap!”
I patted her shoulder. “You win some, you lose some. You lose everything you don’t try for, however.”
“Shut up and go get your darn apples.” Applejack muttered.
“Do you mind if I go with him, sis? If I’m with Max, everythin’ should be okay!” Apple Bloom asked.
“That’s more up to him than it is to me.” Applejack said.
“I don’t mind. I’ll watch out for her, AJ.” I promised.
“Good, cause if you don’t, I’m gonna skin ya alive.” She warned.
“Fucking Christ woman, I thought Ponies were supposed to be nice!” I rubbed my chest.
“Only when it don’t involve family, bub. Bring her back safe.” Applejack patted my shoulder and went inside.
“Will do, AJ.” I called after her. Apple Bloom beamed and joined me as I walked through the orchard.
We chatted for a little while, but most of the things she had on her mind involved either Spike or Sweetie Belle, and I wasn’t sure who she talked about more after a certain point. It was pretty obvious to me that she’d grown to like the idea of sharing Spike with Sweetie Belle, probably to the point where if her feelings persisted through her adolescence, I was certain that she would ask both of them to marry her. It was an adorable little thought that I reminded myself to share with Twilight the next time I saw her. As despicable as I find gossip, I’m truly bored in Ponyville. Whenever something happens, it’s the girls doing something halfway retarded like casting a Want-It-Need-It spell on a doll, dressing up like some masked heroine to take one of their own friends down a peg, or competing for business with some out of towners who straight up stole Applejack’s apples. They’re always doing some fucktarded shit that I stay in my house and avoid, but nothing that doesn’t involve making me look bad for hanging out with them ever happens. It’s not like I care about my image that much, but seriously, the girls are all fully grown adults pulling half witted shit all the time.
All bitching aside, they’re cool when they’re not retarded.
As it was, Twilight’s doll still hadn’t shown up and she missed it terribly, so I was probably going to have to kick ass and get it one of these days unless some kid had it. I would happily steal it back since it’s stolen property in the first place, but Twilight had told me that she would avoid me for a week if I did that. Avoidance is a powerful punishment since Twilight can fucking teleport, which is completely unfair, as I have pointed out every time she threatened to do so. My words were often met with dull looks and a raised brow, which was also an unfair response. Twilight quickly learned that if she could get her point across with looks and gestures, I couldn’t twist her words. It didn’t help at all that she’d been picking up more obvious tells to let me know that she’s mad, and it’s very difficult for me to ignore. It’s a bullshit hack and she knows it, so I torture her as much as I possibly can within reason.
Nothing had ever come of the Flim-Flam fucks and Rainbow Dash stopped showboating so hard. She still gets a little out there with her stunts, but I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Rainbow always does that, no matter what anyone tells her, so it’s best to just let her do whatever she wants away from town. I’ve seen Rainbow botch landings, clip trees, and just straight up crash on numerous occasions, though I only remember her ever actually being hurt like, once. Twilight gave her some books to read and she pretended not to like them for awhile, but it was painfully obvious that Rainbow liked an ‘egghead thing’. If it was any more childish, I would have spanked her over it
While I was walking with Apple Bloom, I had so much time to completely tune her out with my thoughts that I didn’t realize that she’d suddenly stopped being next to me. I whirled around and looked for her, but I couldn’t see her, even under the plentiful light of the Moon. I called out for her since I didn’t see her and heard a reply to my left, so I headed in that direction, though it had been awfully faint. I kept calling out and I heard another reply that sounded like Apple Bloom, so I kept heading in the general direction of the voice until I found the source. As it turned out, it really was Apple Bloom, though I’d had no idea how she’d gotten so far away from me. After a quick scolding about ditching people when it’s dark out, Apple Bloom took me to a part of the orchard that had some apples in season. I just picked my apples since whacking trees is stupid unless you’re trying to cut them down, and once I had my twenty, I rather wished that I’d brought a basket with me. It was a little chilly, so I’d brought a jacket with me, so I used that to help carry my supply.
After dropping Apple Bloom off at her house, I skirted around town, heading toward my house through the country road that connected Fluttershy’s to Applejack’s. I would’ve went through town, but I just wasn’t feeling it, hence the indirect route home. Nothing happened on the walk home, other than the fact that I saw a couple of ducks at a stand on the side of the road. It seemed to have had lemonade at some point, but the sign on top of the stand had been crossed out in favor of grapes. I didn’t think there were any vineyards around this part of Equestria, so that was a little odd.
The ducks quacked at me as I passed, so I imagined that they were looking for some trouble. I was tempted to duck a fuck up, but Fluttershy would choke me to death and beyond if she found out that I was randomly picking fights with defenseless animals, so I kept the peace and ignored the meaningless quacks coming from the water fowl in favor of getting home so that I could start putting shit together for the party.
I arrived at my house and put my apples on some empty counter space since I had plenty of it and wondered if some roast duck would brighten up the party. Those ducks had made me a little hungry, but not for anything I had in the pantry, so I went upstairs and found my secret stash of dried meat that I never told Lupa about. I only took a piece out since it was the last of my protein, and I wouldn’t have a chance to get more until I went hunting again. I made a mental note to do that again sometime soon and chewed on the tough fibers of my jerky. The taste wasn’t amazing, but it was meat, so it was better than pretty much anything else I could have consumed.
I visited with Noir before heading off to bed, though all we did was play some board games. Noir is a pleasant person to pass time with, oddly enough, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that she’s too good to be true. I mean, instead of some Dark Magic bullshit that will kill me slowly, I got something that wants to keep me alive and happy for as long as it can, which is pretty weird considering that Nightmare Moon is supposed to be one of the most evil things around. Of course I was worried about Noir eroding my emotions until I was a husk, but if she was truly focused on trying to keep me happy, then she would tell me when I needed to go talk to Luna about having the effects reversed
Basically, I either had nothing to worry about, or everything to worry about.
I lie awake in bed at night, thinking about my life. I didn’t really want to be different, though I was contemplating whether or not my current happiness was a beautiful lie or a very lovely truth. Doubts spun around in my mind and I shot them down as best I could, but there were just too many of them to regain the peace of mind I’d had earlier. I was feeling pretty uncertain about my future, so I sent Twilight a quick little note, affirming my love for her and wishing her a good night. I didn’t even need a reply to feel better: I just liked letting Twilight know that she was on my mind. Love is weird.
Despite my doubts, there wasn’t any room for one pertaining to Twilight. My gut, heart, and mind all told me that Twilight felt the same way about me as I did with her, so I trusted myself enough to trust her, if that makes any sense. Despite the worries I had about nearly everyone else in my life, there were none that I had about Twilight, though I did worry about her getting hurt while I wasn’t around, but that wasn’t the same. While I was thinking about her, Twilight sent me a note back along with a picture that had been taken earlier of her and Spike, so I looked at it for awhile before putting it on my nightstand. I’d have to see if Pinkie wanted to help me put together a scrapbook or something sometime since I had so many pictures without a home. I put the thought in the back of my mind and tried to get to sleep.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I woke up at seven, but didn’t feel like doing anything, so I laid back down and did a whole lot of nothing until I remembered that Noir had told me that I could draw up some schematics for a replica of Sinbad. That was a pretty important thing to me, so I grabbed some paper and got started in my study. I somehow knew what I was supposed to draw and how to do it, it was just that getting it down on paper was fucking brutal due to my general lack of ability. I’d never been able to draw worth a damn, and it didn’t make much of a difference if I could perfectly remember every detail that I’d ever known about Sinbad if I couldn’t get it onto paper. It took me twenty seven and a half tries, but I eventually managed to get a decent schematic of a bong on paper. I’d given up on the intricacies of my son after twenty attempts and swore that I would find a way to bring him into this world one day. I also drew some pictures of a stem and a bowl for said stem at various angles, though I wasn’t too sure about the measurements. Beyond a rough idea that Noir confirmed as somewhat accurate, I didn’t have much for whatever poor sucker I paid to make it to go on, if I could even find such a fellow. He didn’t necessarily have to be a sucker so much as someone willing to do some trial and error.
At ten, I had some visitors in the form of some stallions I’d never met. They told me that they’d been commissioned by Celestia to remodel my bathtub and I nearly blew my load right then and there. I asked the gentlemen if Celestia had already paid them and when they said yes, I offered to pay them double if they would give her money back. The lead stallion was rather hesitant to accept my offer, but I pulled out a special, fake hundred bit coin and offered to flip him for it. I asked to call it since I was the most invested. I called heads, and what do you know? The foreman told me to flip again and I called heads once more since I like to get it from time to time. The result was the same and he told his three compatriots that they were going for drinks after they finished at my place. If these guys hadn’t been sent by Celestia, I probably would have warned them that I would know if they didn’t refund her, but since they had, I figured that they were probably decent dudes. I offered them some cocoa, apple juice, and coffee while they worked and I’m pretty sure one of the guys thought I was trying to get gangbanged or something. I was just trying to be nice to some people doing great work in the world, so I was a little offended at the fellow’s assumptions. That, and I’m far too classy for a gangbang of any kind; I’m more of a small orgy kinda guy.
Jokes aside, between their magic and willingness to tear my bathroom apart, they got done by the time I came back from doing some better shopping. There was a little more variety in the morning, but it was still the tail end of winter in a small town. If there wasn’t anything being grown, then there just wasn’t that much to get. I was lucky that Carrot Top remembered to get some more bell peppers from her garden for me, which meant that I was going to be making stuffed peppers. I’d gone shopping for some cheese to make stuffed peppers and some tomatoes to make a half decent salsa. Luckily, the necessary ingredients had kind of just been placed in my pantry over time from multiple shopping trips and needs for specific recipes. While the dudes upstairs were working, I asked Pinkie to come over while I was in town and help me prepare for my party, if she had the time and the inclination . Much to my pleasure, she agreed as long as she could use my kitchen to make the baked goods she’d planned on bringing anyway. It was a win-win in my book, so Pinkie gathered her crap and met me at my house an hour later.
Somehow, Pinkie knew how to make tortilla chips with a cast iron skillet, so I made some salsa and we both agreed that it could be a little hotter. I sacrificed half of my jalapenos so my salsa would have a decent kick to it and Pinkie whipped up an adequate amount of rather tasty flour tortilla chips. I thanked one of the two cultured thirds of North America for its gift to humanity and Ponykind with much aplomb, snacking on said gift while helping Pinkie get her stuff together. She made chocolate chip cookies that were only baked enough to hold their shape, cupcakes with icing inside, a cake that she iced a picture of Twilight and myself onto with a surprising amount of skill, and two pineapple upside-down cakes. I have no idea how Pinkie knew that I loved them, but she did and I devoured mine like I was actually hungry or something. There’s always room for more cake, dammit.
The party was set to start at seven, and Pinkie and I had finished at six. For some reason that I really don’t give a damn about, Twilight showed up early and helped us clean the kitchen so that I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed about keeping a dirty house. I rewarded her efforts with plenty of affection, and I gave Pinkie one of my better jazz records for helping me fuel the party. It was a shared interest of ours and I always kept an eye out for the good stuff, like Jot Colt-Rain, or Dewey Strongarm. The parallel names killed me, but their music was almost as good as the original's, so I dealt with it. I’d actually given Pinkie one of Octavia’s albums, though I didn’t give her the one she had signed for me. That one was probably her best work so far, and granted that there were only two albums, Octavia’s music just held something different for me. Pinkie stored the record in her hair (somehow) and bounced along outside to give Twilight and I some time to get everything set up inside. I had some folding tables in my shed, so I had Twilight and Pinkie help me set those up on the porch so we could have the food outside. It was a little annoying that about three quarters of the outdoor space was now closed in, but it would probably be nice for those languid summer days.
Pinkie fucked off because she’s not allowed to set things out anymore after the incident with Fluttershy’s cupcakes. That catastrophe ended with everyone in the room having a cupcake stuck squarely onto their nose, and I had been one of those people. The cupcake was good, but no one had offered to lick the frosting off of my face, so I considered it a net negative.
Twilight organized the baked goods by sugar content, and I waited patiently for her to quit being OCD so I could have her light the fire. She grabbed one to go and I had to fix the positioning of the cupcakes because they were uneven, but after that, we were off. Twilight did a little fire spell in the middle to get things started, and Pinkie blew on the flame to get it started. It was completely unnecessary since all of the wood had died long ago and had been sitting out to dry for some time now, but it looked kinda cute, so I didn’t bother her.
We cheated to get my out door furniture around the fire, but by that time, people had started showing up and I had to greet them, so wasting time walking each thing out a door and down some steps sounded like some bullshit I wasn’t dealing with. The Apple family showed up first, and Applejack was mad at me for letting Apple Bloom wander off the night before. I’d dodged her fury up until now, but at Apple Bloom’s insistence that it had been her fault, Applejack let me off the hook. I would have taken the hit for Apple Bloom’s sake, but Applejack and Macintosh don’t like to change targets too often, so their little sister was stuck with her choice, much her her displeasure. I gave her a cupcake for being a good kid and went off to talk to Rarity and Sweetie Belle. Spike had spent some of the day with them, which explained why he hadn't shown up with Twilight. Scootaloo showed up a few minutes later with Rainbow Dash, so I took her to the side and spoke with her about some things that I’d been curious about. None of those things were terribly important, just how she felt about the budding romance between her friends and Spike. She’d told me that she’d seen it coming from a mile away and had started going it alone more often. It saddened me to see that she was being excluded from the group more and more, so while there was a lull in the arrival of guests, I had a word with Spike and asked him to think of ways to keep Scootaloo in the scootaloop.
I’m guessing Twilight just has a sixth sense for when I’m up to my machinations because she came to find me right after I’d finished having my word with Spike. She just wanted a kiss apparently, so I happily gave her one before she told me that Lyra and a woman named Bon-Bon had arrived. I greeted them and sent them off to go mingle with the others, but before I could get properly introduced to Lyra’s girlfriend, Fluttershy showed up with two mares with familiar color schemes. Celestia and Luna had come in disguise, so I assumed that they were in their alter egos, Soleil and Moonlight. Neither were terribly creative, but the Ponies were dim enough to fall for it, so I introduced them to the party.
With most of the people I’d invited present, the party started. I allowed Pinkie to DJ since she was adamant about doing so and went around having a word with everyone. Macintosh and Applejack asked if they could spike the punch and I told them to go for it as long as they could keep the kids away from it. I was assured by the eldest Apple sibling that the kids would pick something else once they tasted the kick, and if they didn’t, at least it would be fun to watch. I told them to make it nice and strong, which was received with devious smiles. I thought that I might actually have a sip or two since I knew I was safe around my friends, but the more I thought about it, the less it appealed to me, so I went inside and located the half cigar that Twilight and I had yet to smoke, struck a match, and went to go find Twilight.
She came to me once she smelled the smoke and we passed the pungent herb back and forth for a little while. I was feeling awfully pleasant by the end of it and stood with Twilight, watching the fire blaze on as we got blazed. We walked around and chatted with people because I was the host and I was probably supposed to, but then we had some new arrivals. I’d been hoping that Fleur and Fancy would be able to show up despite the short notice, but I was quite glad that they had. I’d actually invited them to stay the night since it would have made no sense for them to head back right after coming, so I assumed that they’d already put their bags inside. I pardoned Twilight and myself from a conversation about who wore the pants in the relationship to go greet the older couple, though there was no need for introductions.
“Fancy! Fleur!” Twilight called out once she saw them. She rushed over to give Fancy a hug. “It’s so good to see you two!”
I followed her at a much more sedate pace. “Hullo Fancy, Fleur. I’m glad you could make it.”
Twilight let Fancy go and moved onto Fleur who said, “Well, we had a gap in our schedule and figured that we could meet you at your home for once.”
I shook hands with Fancy before he pulled me into a hug. “It’s good to see you again, old chap. I must say, I’ve missed having your perspective on the happenings of Canterlot.”
I reciprocated his man-hug and said, “I’ve been meaning to get back, but the last time I went I was a wreck and no one wants to see that.”
Twilight rejoined me. “It was pretty rough, but Max made it through, just like he always does!” She beamed and kissed my cheek.
I may have blushed a bit. “Well, I had some help in that regard.”
Fancy and Fleur exchanged a look. Fleur cleared her throat and asked, “So Max. Where is Rarity? I thought you two were getting along quite nicely.”
I looked around, but Twilight found her first. “Rarity’s over there, but she knows better.” Twilight said simply.
Fleur blinked. “Twilight, I beg your pardon?”
Fancy chuckled and I grinned. “Well, it just wouldn’t do for Max to have another mare hanging from his arm.” Twilight blushed and smiled.
Fleur’s eyes widened for a brief moment before a bright smile broke out on her face. “Don’t tell me that you’ve claimed Max as your own!”
Twilight blushed harder and laced her arm through mine. “Well, maybe just a little…”
“Don’t let her fool you, she’s already bossing me around.” I said blandly.
Fancy chuckled some more. “That is the way these things tend to happen. If you ever need some advice on how to get out of the doghouse, I’m only a letter away.”
Fleur swatted him. “You say that like I’m some sort of evil mare.”
“I dunno, they say the most beautiful people do the most horrendous things.” I jested. Twilight pinched my rib meat and I flinched.
Fancy sighed. “Don’t they just abuse you so until you can barely put a hoof in front of the other? I swear, mares can be the cruelest beings.”
I nodded sagaciously. “They most certainly are. Twilight even slapped me for trying to be romantic once.”
Fleur rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you weren’t at fault in the slightest.”
Twilight huffed. “He was! If he’s talking about what I think he’s talking about, then he snuck up behind me in my lab and picked me up while I was experimenting!”
Fleur made a disapproving noise. “That sounds awfully dangerous, Max.”
Fancy nudged her. “I’m quite sure that Max would have waited until Twilight was no longer handling dangerous chemicals.”
I nodded. “I most certainly did. I waited fifteen minutes for this woman to have empty hands and my patience was rewarded with a slap that echoed through my soul.”
Twilight squeezed my hand. “I apologized!”
Fancy shook his head. “The damage is already done, my dear. Once you strike your beloved, they will never forget it, no many how many times you beg their forgiveness. Such is the way of love.”
Fleur nodded. “I agree. I still remember the time Fancy slapped me when he was coming home from a mission. I’d tried to sneak up and give him some affection, but when he turned around, all I could see was an animal in those eyes.” She said fearfully. If you get any faker, you’ll get arrested for impersonating yourself.
Twilight went to her and offered some unneeded support. “I’m so sorry Fleur! Stallions can do the cruelest things, can’t they? I remember there was one time that Max grabbed me by my throat and pinned me up against the wall in a rage, and I know what you mean when you say you saw an animal.”
Fancy and I traded a look. “So what did she do?” He asked.
“She slapped me because I was drunk.” I shrugged. “I’ve apologized countless times for it, and I don’t drink anymore, so I think I’ve earned a little forgetting.”
“Oh, was this here recently?” Fancy asked, worried.
“Oh no, this was some months ago. I just recently quit drinking because it was turning me into something I wasn’t terribly fond of. Good riddance to bad rubbish.” I crossed my arms.
“Indeed.” Fleur chimed. “However, I’m sure we don’t need to say that these occurrences have been forgiven already, if not forgotten, yes?”
There was a chorus of agreement and we ended the conversation there for the time being. I introduced Fancy and Fleur to the rest of the party, though I couldn’t help but notice that they were odd ducks in the group. They eventually joined ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ along with Rarity for a conversation, so I took Twilight over to meet Lyra and Bon-Bon for a moment.
Lyra was the first to notice us approaching and said, “Hey! Over here!” She waved at me and I waved back.
“Hullo, love. Sorry we didn't get to talk much earlier, but I’ve been trying to keep everyone smiling and cheery.” I nodded to Bon-Bon and extended a hand. “It’s nice to properly meet you, Bon-Bon.”
The pale yellow mare smiled and shook my hand. “Likewise. It’s nice to meet the Baron and even nicer to be invited to one of your parties!”
Twilight chuckled. “He doesn’t throw them very often. I think the last time he planned to have a bonfire, he got lost in the Everfree a couple of days before it was supposed to happen.”
Lyra was taken aback. “Seriously? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” She asked me.
“Because it never came up in conversation, that’s why.” I shrugged. “I got out of there alive, so it’s not like it was a big deal.”
“How long were you in that horrible place?” Bon-Bon asked in hushed tones.
“A little over a month. I spent so much time there, I eventually gave up hope of coming home.” I shrugged again. “Luckily I got over that nonsense, but at least now the Everfree is scared of me.”
Twilight let go of my hand and patted my shoulder. “He says that, but he never wants to prove it.”
“You say that like I’m going to put your life in danger by taking you into the Everfree. I might have made a name for myself, but I’m not putting you in harms way just to prove that I’m super cool.” I chided.
Lyra looked at Bon-Bon. “I’m with Twilight. I think you should back up these claims!” She grinned.
Bon-Bon gave her some serious side-eye. “...I’m with Max. There’s no way in Tartarus that I’m ever letting you go into that forest if I can help it.”
I stood next to Bon-Bon and patted her back. “I like you, you have sense.”
She gave me a smile and a one armed hug. “I can’t say the same for you since you went in there in the first place, but I respect that you’re so protective of Twilight.”
“I can totally deal with that.” I went to go stand next to Twilight. “So how long have you two been together?”
“Oh, a few years now. Every once in awhile somepony messes up and we go our separate ways for a day or two, but we always come back to each other!” Bon-Bon beamed. Is now a bad time to mention that I went down on Lyra?
“It’s usually me who messes up, but Bon-Bon always gives me another chance. So far, I haven’t made the same mistake twice!” Lyra grinned.
Twilight ‘awwed’ and I chuckled. “That’s a good way of doing things. They always say that you’ve got to work at it, and it seems like you two are willing to put in the work.” I said.
“He means that he’s happy for you girls and hopes that you keep doing well.” Twilight translated.
“They got the point! There was no need for that.” I huffed very masculinely.
Lyra raised a brow. “I just thought that you liked that we have problems every once in awhile.”
Bon-Bon nodded. “That’s what I thought too.”
“Damn Ponyville ‘mares’ and their derp.” I muttered to myself.
“What was that, dear?” Twilight asked.
“I said that I was lucky to have someone as well rounded and magnificent as you.” I lied. I mean, I honestly felt that way, but I still lied.
“That’s so sweet! So what did you really say?” Lyra asked.
“I asked if I could sniff your-” Twilight shut my mouth with magic.
“And we’re done here. We’ll talk to you again soon.” Twilight smiled and started dragging me towards ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’.
After a minute or so of having Twilight lead me around by the hand, I dug my heels into the ground and upset her balance mid-step. Twilight fell backwards, so I caught her and dipped her like we’d been dancing. It was a cute little gesture that got a few ‘aww’s and put a blush on Twilight’s face, so I reminded myself to do more cute things so Twilight knew that she was the only woman on my mind. I’d told her about every woman I’d been with, so when we came up to Celestia and Luna in their disguises, she was a little confused about them since I’d never mentioned them to her. It was awkward since Twilight was the only one out of the four of us who didn’t know who ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ really were, and if we had been under normal circumstances, I’m sure we would have let her in on the little secret. Unfortunately, Twilight still felt rather betrayed by Celestia, so it was for the best that we keep things under wraps. Fancy eventually took me aside and asked who they were, and I gave him one good guess. He got it in one since he’d known who ‘Soleil’ was already.
The party carried on for a little while, but at one in the morning, all of the kids were ready for bed, and some of the party goers were ready to get home and into their own houses. Everyone save for Twilight, Spike, Fancy, Fleur, Soleil, and Moonlight left to go home and I bid them all goodbye. Luckily, outside parties were pretty easy to clean up when you have a fire still going hot, so I tossed any refuse that lie around onto the still roaring flames. I would have liked to stay outside and watched it until it died, but it had gotten a little chilly outside, so we moved the party indoors. I carried Spike to a bed upstairs since I was probably going to be his brother-in-law within the next decade and laid him down in the room next to the observatory. I really needed to use that thing more often since Berry goes through the trouble of cleaning it, so I made another mental note to go along with a thousand others to actually stargaze sometime with Twilight.
I’d taken everyone down into my wine cellar so they could pick out something that they wanted to try. Fancy had gone straight for my liquor… Well, it’s not so much as a cabinet as it is a wardrobe full of hard liquor. My liquor wardrobe. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. In any case, Fancy grabbed a bottle of Zap Apple Jack, and I warned him that it had magical properties and was stronger than he would think. Fancy assured me that he could handle it as long as I took a shot with him, and since the guy was like an older brother to me, I agreed. Twilight picked out her favourite plum wine, which just so happened to be from one of the vineyards that ‘Moonlight’ adored, so they agreed to share a few glasses. Fleur and ‘Soleil’ went with something white and dry that I’d never been particularly fond of, so with everyone having their pick of what they wanted, we went back upstairs and found some crystal ware for our beverages.
I poured Fancy and I our shots, but when I went to lift mine, my hand shook uncontrollably. I set the shot down and lifted my hand again, but it was perfectly fine. I took that as a sign that I should pass my shot off to ‘Soleil’ who downed it easily in my stead. Fancy was a little disappointed that I couldn't drink anymore, but I assured him that it was for a very good reason. Thankfully for everyone, no one pushed me to find out that reason, though it was only Fleur and Fancy who didn’t know why at this point.
Around three or so, ‘Soleil’ asked if I’d ever had that hot tub installed and I grinned like a fool. Once it had been mentioned, I went upstairs to check and see how the dudes had done, and they’d done damn decently. My tub looked slightly different since it now had a control panel and jets in it, but other than that, it looked like it once did. I had no doubt that I could comfortably fit all five adults into the tub with room to spare, so I went back downstairs and had everyone come up. I had to present the beauty that was my tub as it was, and offered to let anyone who wanted to have a soak. Twilight said that she hadn’t brought a bathing suit with her, so I forestalled any further objection by telling her that she and I were the same size when I was Roxy.
Maybe it’s because she’s spiteful or because she thought it would be amusing, but Twilight turned me into Roxy and I sighed. I reminded her that I’d bought multiple bathing suits so I could see myself in each of them and Twilight gave up. ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ both excused themselves from the bathroom and came back, changed and ready to roll. Fleur was ecstatic that she’d packed bathing suits, just in case and she made Fancy and I admit that packing for any and everything had been a smart idea. It meant that she had seven bags in one of my guest rooms, but they could still get in the tub, so all was well.
I picked out a nice one piece that I had thought was sexier than a metaphor on me, though Twilight had wanted it for herself since it covered more. I let her have it and went for a royal green two-piece that was also super hot on me. It wasn't like I was stressed for choices since I’d picked everything out based on how much I wanted to fuck myself in it.
Is it still a sin to lust after yourself?
Twilight had me wait outside while she changed because she was shy like that, and when she came out, I felt my face heat up and my stomach turn into a mass of butterflies. She looked fucking great, and through the fog that was my arousal, I remembered that Twilight and I had practically the same figure, though she filled out the bathing suit a bit better than I did in the rear area. I didn’t realize I was staring until Twilight waved a hand in front of my face.
“Sorry love, what now?” I said, shaking my head to clear it.
“I said you might as well take a picture!” Twilight covered her chest and huffed.
“I might. Honestly, I am so tempted.” I said conversationally.
Twilight turned her back to me, so I went into the room to go change. I couldn’t figure out how to tie something behind my back, so I used the unique power of puppy dog eyes to get her in the room so she could tie me off. I took that opportunity to have a quick little make out session with Twilight since she’d gotten me all hot and bothered in the first place. By the time I pulled away from her, Twilight was giving me some serious bedroom eyes.
“Roxy, I need you to not do that tonight.” She said breathlessly.
“Is it something I did?” I asked nervously.
“No, trust me, it’s just… You know…” Twilight looked away and swished her tail a couple of times.
“If you’re trying to get m to look at your butt, all you have to do is tell me.” I grinned. When she gave me a womanly look, I raised my hands in defeat. “I’ll stop, okay? Just don’t look at me in that tone of voice anymore.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “That’s impossible. I’ll look at you in whatever tone of voice I please.”
I wrapped an arm around her side and she stiffened up. “While you’re gazing upon my sexiness, follow me back to my room so we can get in the hot tub already!”
Twilight unwound my arm and held my hand. “Well, what are we waiting for?”
I gave her a look and her blush intensified. We didn’t bother saying anything else since that would have delayed us further, so we went into my bathroom and joined the rest of the party. The honor of sitting in the tub first was mine, and Twilight followed closely after. ‘Soleil’ still got to be one of the first ones into the tub, so I was willing to bet that she wouldn’t complain. The rest of the plebe- Well, patricians, filed into the tub shortly after and I hit the jets. Much to my pleasure, there were a couple on the back of my seat in particular that I hadn’t noticed. I examined the control panel and saw that there was a button labeled ‘Secret Jets’ that I was interested in, so I pressed it and eyes shot open around the tub. Nobody moved for like, three full minutes except for Twilight who had started when the jets had come on. I chuckled when I realized that ‘Moonlight’ hadn’t moved either and I realized that Twilight was the most innocent one out of all of us present.
“Roxy!” Twilight whispered into my ear.
“Yes, cherry?”
“Can you feel… that water?” She asked anxiously.
“Yes I can.” I sighed shakily.
She looked at me, then around at the group. Fancy and Fleur were both having a chat with ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’, so we were pretty much unnoticed. “I-It doesn’t bother you?”
“I think it feels rather nice.” I said, struggling to keep my voice steady.
“But… What if somepony notices?” She asked softly.
I sighed again and moved off of my jet so I could speak properly. “It’s on for everyone, cherry. They’re either enjoying it or they moved.”
“...I haven’t seen anypony move.” Twilight murmured.
“If you don’t like it, then I can turn it off. It’s not like I’m going to sit here and let you continue to be uncomfortable.”
“...I-I want to try it.” Twilight said anxiously.
I reached out and grabbed her hand under the water. “I think I felt a little recess in the nozzle of the jet. You can probably turn it down that way, just try not to be too obvious.”
Twilight tried to do so subtly, but she couldn’t have been much more obvious about it if she tried. After two minutes of being politely ignored by everyone, I reached over and turned it the right way, feeling the pressure lessen. Twilight turned bright red since my hand was touching both of her thighs and was quite close to something more intimate, but she stayed still until I got the nozzle turned down. Twilight resumed her usual position, but the blush on her face didn’t fade. I took her hand again and squeezed it to reassure her, and she opened her mouth to thank me. There was only a little squeak that I found to be absolutely adorable, and so did Fleur who was looking pretty rosy herself.
The only people who weren’t bright red at this point were Fancy and ‘Soleil’, but I was sure that was because ‘Soleil’ had plenty of practice hiding orgasms and Fancy was a former guard, so he was used to the ‘suffer in silence’ thing. I couldn’t tell if my face was flushed because of the water or the jet, but either way, I was enjoying myself immensely and I was getting close. Twilight was closer, evidently, because she tried her best to crush my hand before letting out some adorable little whimpers. I whispered that she could just turn the nozzle off completely if she couldn’t handle it, but it was too late. Twilight let out a low, soft moan that I outdid by a mile, garnering the attention of the other five people in the tub. Sadly, I hadn’t actually gotten off, but sacrifices and all that.
“S-Sorry,” I stammered purposefully. “I-I guess I wasn’t expecting the jets to go there.” I shifted a bit in my seat so that the jet was on my thigh.
“Don’t worry, dear, I’m sure that we all understand.” Fleur said with a sly smile.
“I’m sure that being a female makes you more sensitive to certain things. It must be an odd transition, Ma-er, Roxy.” Fancy said comfortingly.
“Fancy is right. I know that when I tried transforming into a man, I had a hard time walking straight.” Soleil chuckled.
Twilight squeezed my hand and I gave her a smile. “Sorry, Twilight. Didn't mean to embarrass you.”
She gave me a blank look before she snapped back into reality. “Oh! Don’t worry about it, amour, I understand!”
I grinned at the pet name and gave Twilight a quick peck. “So who likes the hot tub?”
“I’m having one installed the moment I get home.” ‘Moonlight’ sighed.
“Agreed. I need one of these in my life.” Fleur chimed in.
Soleil and Fancy were quick to add in their agreeance, so I took the time to shift back onto my jet while they were talking amongst themselves. I didn’t miss the look Twilight gave me and patted her thigh under the water. I could feel that she’d turned her jet off, so I was wondering what the look was for until I felt her hand grab mine. She gave me two squeezes which I assumed stood for ‘Thank you’ ,and I gave her three back for ‘No problem’. I think she misunderstood it, but that wasn’t important at the moment, so I settled back and waited until I reached a real orgasm. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth so that I wouldn’t make a sound, but ‘Soleil’ had other ideas.
“So, Roxy,” She grinned deviously. “What made you want a hot tub slash bath tub?”
“Oh, you know. Just saw an opportunity for some fun.” I replied unsteadily.
“Really? Are you sure this wasn’t one of your whims as a bachelor, or rather, a bachelorette? I’m sure you can imagine having a cornucopia of eligible mares in here.”
“No, none of that. Just wanted a hot tub.” I replied. I was climbing another orgasm and I really didn’t need her shit right now.
“Well, at least you can enjoy the comforts of a spa at home.” ‘Soleil’ teleported the wine that they’d been drinking downstairs and some glasses. She poured one for everyone except for me, preferring to fill my glass with a liquid that I wasn’t too sure of. “I propose a toast: To Max or Roxy! Whatever he-she wants to be called right now!”
There were chuckles and glasses clinked together. I found out that my beverage was actually white grape juice, which was tasty, though I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child in a gathering of adults because of it. I reminded myself that I’d shagged two of those adults and was working on a third, so I stopped feeling as childish after that.
Shortly after the toast, ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ took their leave, stating that they had some stuff to do in the morning and that they shouldn’t have stayed as long as they did. After magically (and lazily) changing their clothes, they teleported back to Canterlot, which left Twilight, Fleur and I in a tub full of warm water and probably a lot of love juices from every woman present.
I convinced everyone to leave the tub shortly after that realization.
I let Twilight browse through my clothes so she could find something that she liked and I just picked out some sleepwear that I thought I’d never get to use. It was nice and sexy, so I threw a light robe on over it and waited for Twilight to come out of the bathroom. She’d picked one of my button downs and a pair of my sleeping trousers as her clothing for the night, and I couldn’t help but find that to be rather attractive, a fact that I let Twilight know as soon as I saw her. She complimented me on my robe until I let it fall.
“So? What do you think?” I asked, doing a twirl. “Do you like?”
The lust had returned to Twilight’s eyes. “I like.”
I stopped twirling. “You okay there, cherry?”
Twilight approached me with a grace that I had seen from her on a select few occasions. “I’m perfectly fine. You know, why don’t we just tell Fleur and Fancy to have a good night? We can talk to them in the morning.” Twilight had come quite close and walked a couple of fingers up my collarbone.
“...As much as I would love to, and I assure you that I’m not lying, we have an agreement.”
“And? I’m approaching you. That’s all that had to happen, right?” Twilight pouted.
“That, and you have to not be in estrus.” I scolded gently. “I know you want to now, but-”
Twilight cut me off with a kiss that was passionate from start to finish. I struggled to keep up with her as Twilight pushed me back until I met resistance and fell back onto the bed. “Forget all that, won’t you? I want you now. You might not get another chance like this, you know.” She placed her hands on either side of me and gave me a sultry look.
“I’ll take that risk, cherry.” I grabbed her hands and gave her a gentle peck.
Twilight pouted some more. “Roxy, you don’t know what estrus is like! It’s the constant need to find somepony to take care of you for a little while and it doesn’t go away unless you find somepony or you wait for the week to end!”
“Sounds a lot like puberty.” I stated drily. More kindly, I said, “I’ll tell you what, Twilight. If you let me stay as Roxy, I’ll give you what you want, just not right now.”
Twilight gave me another long kiss that filled my head with warm, fuzzy static. “Promise?”
“Cross my heart, cherry." Twilight beamed and I took a moment to compose myself in the restroom while she went downstairs. I was simultaneously high fiving myself for sticking to the plan, but beating my head into the wall for kinda sorta giving in and not straight up taking the chance to lay Twilight like I wanted to so badly. It took me a couple minutes to stop hating myself, but once I did, I retrieved my robe from where I’d left it and tied it loosely before heading downstairs to join Fleur, Fancy and Twilight for a few games of pool. Fleur deigned it unworthy of her time to play since she knew she was about to get absolutely violated by Fancy, Twilight, and I, so I set up a game of Cutthroat for us, and this time, there were no teams. Twilight was the first one out since Fancy was familiar with her playstyle, and I got Fancy because I’d outmaneuvered him.
The next round, Twilight got her revenge because she got to shoot first. Fancy and I got a shot apiece due to Twilight’s savagery on the table, so during the next match, I shot first and we took more shots at Twilight’s balls than at each other’s. The threat was the clearest with Twilight, so we kept her nice and subdued until she got to shoot first again, which killed Fancy and I handily. I’d noticed that when my favourite Unicorn dipped so much as a toe into estrus, her acuity in things requiring hand-eye coordination went through the goddamn roof, and billiards was no exception. By the end of the night, Twilight had taken more one-on-one games than anyone else, and had even done pretty well in Cutthroat, despite Fancy and I trying to wall her as much as possible. I was proud that I had such a profound pool sharp by my side, but I was smarting pretty well from being beaten so easily, so my pride was tempered by no small amount of frustration.
I gave Fleur and Fancy the freedom to pick whatever room they liked, and Fleur decided that they would take the room right next to mine. I had no idea how well that was going to work out for them if they planned on sleeping, so I subtly advised them to take another room, but Fleur was persistent. I had Twilight head upstairs so I could have a quick word with them, though she was reluctant to leave my side. I assured her that I would be up in a moment and I collected some chuckles from the peanut gallery.
Once Twilight was out of earshot, I said, “You guys realize that she’s in estrus, right? I can’t promise that it’ll be quiet, so you might want to switch rooms.”
“I agree with Max. Twilight is like a niece to me, and I really don’t want to hear any of that.” Fancy said, turning a little green.
“Oh, but you don’t mind if I eavesdrop a little, right?” Fleur asked.
I gave her a look. “If it was anyone else I was laying, I’d be all for it, but I still haven’t taken Twilight’s virginity, at least, not really. This is the first time we’re going to have something that can be considered sex, so if you could keep your ears to yourself, that would be lovely.”
Fleur sighed. “Fine, I’ll stay away. What about that delectable little Dragon? I’m sure-”
“Touch him before his sixteenth birthday and I’ll hurt you.”
“...Nevermind.” Fleur sighed again. “Just when a mare gets her hopes up.”
Fancy patted her shoulder. “You never did like going after younger stallions anyway. In fact, you still haven’t gone below sixteen, have you?”
“I try not to, but Spike is just so adorable, I could eat him up!” Fleur gushed.
“Back in my world, we’d either call you a man eater or a sexual predator.” I commented flatly.
“Neither of those sound terribly nice.” Fleur pouted.
“The man eater one is a compliment if you’re a slut,” Her eyes brightened, “but the sexual predator is a big no-no. People get killed over that shit back where I'm from.”
“...You’re not joking, are you?” She asked cautiously.
"I am not. Just keep away from Spike until he's ready for it." I requested.
“I would do so anyway, if anything than because you so obviously abhor such acts. I trust your judgement, and if you say that making young men my cubs is a morally wrong, then I believe that it is.” Fleur said confidently.
“My time overseas already brought me to that conclusion.” Fancy shrugged. “I saw too many foals as prostitutes in Catro and Camelroon to ever dream of doing anything like that here.”
Fleur’s jaw dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me!? I would’ve happily kept my hands to myself if I knew that it bothered you!”
Fancy gave her a look. “You don’t take any colt or stallion that isn’t willing. At sixteen, I know I was hornier than a dragon and twice as hot under the collar, so I can’t tell you not to fulfill some young stallion’s dream. You never went lower than that, so I never had a problem.”
“I’ll be sure to never go below that then. I would hate to earn animosity from my two favourite stallions.” Fleur said.
“You won’t if you keep up the good work.” I reached up and patted Fleur’s head. She gave me a stern look, so I kept doing it. “Good Pony, nice Pony. Does someone want a carrot?”
Fleur removed my hand with magic and grabbed me by my face firmly but gently. I wondered what she was going to do until she licked my face. “Somepony needs to learn to be less patronizing.”
I wiped her drool off and gave her a look. “I was just telling you that you’re a good, nice Pony. You should learn to take a compliment.
Fleur gave me a wry look and sent me off to go have some fun with Twilight, so I bid Fancy and her goodnight before heading upstairs. We didn’t have much time before sunrise, so I hurried to get up stairs so I could unwrap my present. I strode into my room and locked it behind me, making sure to check that it was, in fact, locked. I scanned the room and looked for Twilight who was laying on her side with her head propped up, waiting for me on my bed. I gave her what I hoped was a sultry smiled and took my time gettng over to her. I’d already waited this long; there was no point in rushing now.
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I let my robe fall on my way over to Twilight, but kept walking at the same pace. I was eager to try getting somewhere with her again, though at the same time, I was a little nervous about not being able to perform until I realized that the only thing I would be using was my tongue. Once I got that through my head, I eased up and stopped at the edge of the bed, leaning down to give Twilight a slow, loving kiss. She, on the other hand, had prepared a hungry, lustful kiss for me that I found myself being drawn into the moment our lips made contact. Twilight’s inner slut was coming out, and I was happy to see it, though I was worried about how she would feel after the fact.
She must have felt my nervousness, because she said, “Don’t worry, amour. This is just the first of many.”
“First impressions leave lasting memories, cherry, and I want this to be a good one for you.” I said softly.
“This isn't the first time. It’s the first time we’re both sober enough to stand up straight, but it’s not our first time. Relax, and I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”
I gave her another kiss. “Funny, shouldn’t I be saying that to you?”
Twilight rolled her eyes and rolled over on the bed, giving me some room to join her. She tried to take the spot on top, but she’d bolstered my confidence by telling me to relax, so I wrestled with her for it until she gave up. Twilight allowed me the privilege of hearing her wonderful laughter when I straddled her, so I gave her another reward in the form of a kiss. Twilight had just started to slip me some tongue when I pulled away from her and laid a hand on her breast. From there, I switched from kissing her lips to peppering her neck with dozens of light kisses while gently massaging her mammaries. Twilight squirmed from my ministrations and I kept going like that for a few minutes. I wanted her to remember this as one of the single best orgasms that she would ever had, so I was going to spend plenty of time on unnecessary foreplay.
I gave her neck a little nibble and her breath caught, which sent a chill down my spine in the nicest of ways. Before I started unbuttoning anything, I gazed into Twilight’s eyes and asked, “May I?”
“May you what?” She purred sensually.
“May I undress you, my love?” I whispered into her ear.
Twilight bit her lip and said, “Do it."
I didn’t need her to say it again, so I switched to the other side of her neck and started again with my kisses. I was fucking thrilled that the lights were still on as I took each button one at a time with one hand. Twilight gave me a smile that sent electricity through my veins and a kiss to top all others. I gave as good as I got and then some, though I was a little distracted by Twilight's wandering hands. Her exploration had lead her to my breasts and to my bottom, though I couldn't tell which she enjoyed more, though it filled me with pleasure to know that I turned her on anyways.
After ten more minutes of doing precious little other than cheating and teasing Twilight, I got off of her and asked her to spread legs for me. Twilight wasn’t terribly thrilled about about the prospect, but with some gentle encouragement and a double check to make sure that the door was locked, Twilight finally allowed me to remove her trousers, meaning that I got hit in the face estrus pheromones pretty hard. Her panites were already soaked, though in Twilight’s defense so were mine, but that’s not the important part. The important part is that there was some flimsy cloth in the way of me getting what I desired so strongly, so I decided to make it a little sexier, pulling Twilight’s under garments down with my teeth until I freed them from her form.
I wanted to wait as long as I could, so I toyed with Twilight some more, flicking her clit with my tongue. I tried easing a finger into Twilight, but she had tensed up so much that I doubted anything good would come of trying to continue on that from, so I tried the more indirect route and used my tongue to trace her lips, occasionally dipping into her entrance to get a taste for her. For some odd reason, Twilight tasted like the plum wine that she’d had earlier, which was fine by me as long as I couldn’t get drunk off of contact.
I worked my magic for the better part of an hour, finding new places that felt good to Twilight while exploring her body, trying to remember every little detail as best I could. I’d noticed that Twilight’s breathing had turned ragged about fifteen minutes into it, and she had more small orgasms than I cared to count. As it was, I was working toward giving Twilight the final push that would send her over the edge. When I latched onto her clit, Twilight cried out for Celestia, which I found to be rather insulting since I was the one laying her. I was offended up until I remembered that Celestia was basically a divine spirit to the Ponies, and that they practically worshipped her.
I stayed with Twilight through her orgasm, though I did fear that she was about to pop my head like a grape between her thighs. It was a nice place to be, and other than the fact that I was probably going to have a massive headache by the time we were done, I thought it had been worth it to hear Twilight cry out in ecstasy. Once she lay flat on her back, occasionally twitching, I laid next to her.
“So? How was it?” I asked, licking my lips. I'd wiped my face off on the sheets since Twilight was rather messy.
Twilight had a dreamy smile. “Better than I thought it would be! Are you sure you don’t want to change into Max and see where it goes from there?” She asked.
I sighed. “Not until estrus is over, cherry. For the time being, you’re just gonna have to sit and look pretty.”
“Aren’t I always pretty?” Twilight asked facetiously.
“Usually, but sometimes you’re more cute than pretty, and others more beautiful than both.”I gave her a warm smile and a quick peck.
She beamed and beckoned me a little closer. “You know, I’ve never done what you just did, but I imagine that a little time with our favourite toy will help me out.”
I grinned deviously. “Sounds like a lovely way to spend some time.”
And so it was. Twilight was pretty decent at handling the controller for me, though I wondered if she’d learned from experience or from speculation. Either way, She had me moaning within five minutes and cumming before we hit the twenty minute mark, though I blamed my lack of stamina on the fact that I had the vibrator directly against my clit while Twilight experimented. We swapped back and forth for a little while, competing to see who could last the longest. I won, of course, but that didn’t stop Twilight for claiming the prize she’d wanted for winning. After two more rounds with the toy, Twilight and I decided to call it a night, though we pretty much just picked one side of the bed so no one had to sleep in the wet spot. My legs were feeling awfully weak, but I wanted to get clean before bed this time around, so I asked Twilight to join me in the shower.
Twilight agreed to come with me, which was pretty great. While we were in the shower, Twilight had started getting awfully handsy again, so I placed her hands to the right spots and coached her through how to bring a female an orgasm with just your fingers and some know how. She was a quick learner, so it wasn’t long before we had our hands between each others legs, seeing who would give in first. Again, Twilight took the title of first one out, but I wasn’t exactly very far behind seeing as how I came only a minute or so later.
Once we were actually focusing on getting clean, I noticed that Twilight’s tail swished from side to side, almost as if she were wagging it or something. I’d never really paid much attention to Ponies’ tails, but now that I looked at it, I just wanted to yank on it and see what would happen. I pushed my temptations down and tried to look at anything but her tail. I did end up yanking it, which earned me a stern glare from Twilight, making me smile like a fool.
We finished up with our shower and got into bed. We’d both needed to replace our under garments since they’d been rather ruined before we could take them off, but it was at times like this that I was glad to have the option of having a vagina whenever I wanted. It meant that I could help people in different ways if I really felt like it, which was pretty cool on its own, but the whole sex thing was ten times better and I looked forward to when Twilight had some more experience under her belt. In any case, I got to fall asleep with her in my arms, so it was a good end to a pretty good day.
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Fancy and Fleur caught an early train back to Canterlot since they had business to take care of later in the day, so Twilight, Spike and I waved them off as they boarded their train. Twilight had wanted to spend some more time with me, but Spike was pretty vehement about taking her back home for some reason, so I didn’t worry about it too much and started packing some crap for my own trip to Canterlot. I made sure to include some non-constrictive casual clothes so that I would have something to fight in and packed my climbing gloves because I was so used to having them by my side. Once I had my clothes and whatnot packed up, I moved back into my living room and debated whether or not I should take Nacht with me. On one hand, it would solidify my status as a Baron, but on the other, it marked me as one of Luna’s people, and I wasn’t too fond of being claimed by anyone other than Twilight. I packed it in with the rest of crap anyways since it was beautiful and sharper than my tongue after a full day with Pinkie. Plus, it was also more of a fighting dagger anyways, so would serve me well.
I grinned as I thought of the advantages I had in a knife fight. Experience, recklessness, and being an adrenaline junkie up to a point all stewed together to create a massive dildo that I was going to ram up that pompous twat’s arse. Seriously, it had been some months since I became a Baron, and this fool was just now having a problem with it, though I didn’t really get why a prince was so worried about a small Barony that really didn’t have much going for it besides the Elements of Harmony. Maybe the guy was just jealous of my good looks or something, but either way, I needed to have Celestia change me back into a dude sooner or later, so when night fell and the Moon rose, I bought a ticket and boarded the last scheduled train heading towards Canterlot. I spent the time on the train writing notes to explain my absence in Ponyville, and Twilight immediately sent a letter back asking why I hadn’t told her that I’d been going. I reminded her that I actually had when we saw Fancy and Fleur off, but Twilight didn’t remember it, so she was still mad at me.
With that little nuisance out of the way, I focused on running various scenarios and finding new permutations to see what had changed from strike to strike. If Blueblood was a unicorn like most other Canterlot natives, then he would probably be physically weak. Thankfully, my constant cardio and healthy diet had scraped off pretty much any remaining body fat that I’d had before coming to Equestria. I even made sure to work out at least once a day, but who wants to read about that shit?
‘The sparkling sweat that beaded on his brow blinded him, causing him to crumble under the force that subdued his strength. His muscles rippled and jumped at the slightest movement like he was a predator waiting for the perfect moment to strike’. I chuckled to myself at my own half witted imagination.
Aside from that, the train ride was as quiet as it usually was. There never seemed to be many people on the train whenever I rode, so I didn’t really have much of a chance to talk to anyone since no one seemed to want to be bothered. That was perfectly fine by me since I didn’t really want to chat up a few strangers anyway. I spent some extra time thinking about random things until we arrived at the station, and once we were there, I didn’t waste another moment, heading to the Triple C as soon as I got off the train. I figured that an giving Celestia a dark chocolate cake would go over well, and I was hoping that Luna liked angel food cake. Hell, it wasn’t like they couldn’t switch if they didn’t like what I got them, so they could fucking deal with it.
I recognized one of the Night Guards on duty as none other than Dune Bug himself. His protege was nowhere to be seen, so I asked what they had him doing now. Dune kept his trap shut, but his partner leaned in and whispered that I’d gotten them in trouble when I had run away from them. I assured the gentlemen that I would have a word with the Princess of the Night so that they wouldn’t be punished for my screw ups and they both gave me an odd look before opening the gate without another word. I figured it was somewhere between creepy and interesting, but I was leaning more toward the creepy side as of right now.
Entering the castle hadn’t been a problem at all, and there was practically no paperwork necessary to see Luna, so I entered the Court Hall and said, “Sup, Lulu?”
Luna lifted her head from her hand and yawned, which made me yawn. “As you can see, there is not much ‘up’ around here. Night Court is always boring. Why are you female?”
“Sex stuff. Do you mind changing me back? I brought some dude clothes with me, just in case.”
Luna roleld her eyes and her horn lit up. Things were very uncomfortable, so she let me borrow a room to change in. Once I was finished, I went back to the court hall.
“Is there something you wanted Max? As you can see, I’m terribly busy.” Luna gestured toward the nearly empty room.
“I see. Do you want some cake?”
“Not at the moment, but I will keep them for you if you do not wish to carry them any longer.” Luna offered.
“Thanks, I appreciate that. For being so nice, you can pick whichever one you want.” I grinned.
She lifted a brow and inspected the contents of each box. “At least you have good taste in confections, I’ll give you that. I believe I will take the sponge cake for myself. Celestia always has been quite the chocoholic, and she has been for the past four thousand and twenty or so years that I’ve known her.”
“I thought you said you guys were only like, three thousand?” I asked
“We don’t really count the millennia we spent apart, but Celestia and I are rather old, no matter how you look at it.” Luna said.
“You still look good for being older than dirt, if it makes you feel any better.”
“Your insolence is refreshing, for once.” Luna huffed.
“My insolence is the best out there, dollface. Speaking of insolence, I have to fight Prince Blueblood tomorrow. Any tips against him?” I asked.
Luna gave me a look and said, “If you cannot best him, then you will be fired as an Operative. Blueblood is as soft as most nobles, though he does train rather frequently with a foil, estoc, or rapier when the whim strikes him. As long as you do not seek to best him at his own game, you should be fine.”
“Then I should be fine. The challenge is going to be a knife fight, if I have anything to say about it. I doubt there are many people out there with my level of experience when it comes to shanking and ganking.” I grinned evilly.
Luna returned my grin with one of her own. “Then I look forward to seeing you wipe the floor with that uppity, no good, mareizing, narcissistic, parasite. Do be sure to make it last; It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a good fight.”
“Oi! I’m narcissistic and no good! Come up with better adjectives, dammit.”
“I would, but putting forth the effort seems tedious, so I believe I’ll let my words lie. Do you require a bed for the night?”
“Yes, actually. I was going to just stop by a hotel or something, but I figured that I might as well give you some cake while I’m town.” I gave her a crooked smile.
“Gifts and flattery will get you many places, though none of those places are in my wing of the castle.” Luna said drily.
“Aren’t Dusk Barons supposed to stay close to their liege or whatever? What if frail, young, impressionable Princess Luna gets a boo-boo? Who’s going to kiss it for her?”
“I imagine that being nearly ancient would qualify one to no longer require kisses for ‘boo-boos’. Luna said blandly.
“It never hurts to try. Next time you ram your knee into something that’s not a person, don’t come crying to me.”
“I assure you that I could find another willing to do the task if you are not, though that would undermine my saying that I no longer need to be consoled when in minor pain.” Luna sighed. “Things were so much easier three thousand years ago.”
I raised my brows. “They were also pretty barbaric and more than a little murdery, if your own accounts of the past are anything to go by.”
“I never said that they were better, just easier. Tell me, is it not simply more efficient to slay your enemies instead of forming tentative bonds with them?” Luna asked.
“Depends on the enemy. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick your battles if you want to avoid unnecessary trouble like revenge seekers and loved ones of the deceased.”
“It seems that all I do since I’ve returned is pick my battles. Do you understand what it’s like to be seen and heard, but not listened to?”
I gave her a wry look. “You forget that, for some time, every other conversation I had with Celestia was an argument.”
Luna snorted. “Hyperbole at its finest. One out of three conversations was an argument.”
“Going from a half to a third doesn’t make that much of a difference to me. And before you spout a lame idiom or something, I’d like to remind you that it doesn’t have to be a slugfest to be an argument.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Maximus. While on the topic of arguments, how many have you had with Twilight Sparkle so far?”
“I’d say zero to none, though she’s a bit upset that I’m here for a fight, so that might end up being an argument.” I shrugged. “I’m sure that listening to what she has to say will help, and doing something to correct whatever mistake I made should go even further.”
“Spoken like a stallion beyond your years.” Luna nodded. “No wonder you have the capacity to make friends. You don’t suck all the time.”
“I try not to, otherwise all I’m good for is getting dirt out of carpets.”
“That makes no sense to me.” Luna stated.
“Damn, I forget that Equestria is behind the times on a lot of things. Well, compared to my world, at least. When you have magic, I guess you can afford to be lazy with your technology.”
“Equestria is not lazy with its technology.” Luna huffed.
“You might not be. I might’ve just showed up at a weird time. I’m just saying that the marvels we had in my world could rival magic, depending on what use you’re using it for.”
“I remember having this conversation with you. The sheer magnitude of the destruction you described…” Luna shook her head. “I could not imagine Celestia or I employing such inponane tactics, just to win a war.”
“In fairness, the Americans did that and they’re pretty famous in my country for being psychotic idiots half the time, and the other half, they’re usually coming up with a new way to lose weight or stuffing their faces. Life is weird like that.”
“... You always describe these ‘Americans’ as the most colorful characters. It is a shame I did not have a chance to meet one.”
“According to the multiverse theory, there’s a universe where you’re the Human and I’m a Pony, so there’s probably a few infinite universes where you met me as an American.”
“Multiverse theory? Explain it to me.” I lifted a brow. “Please.”
And so I did. I went about as deep as I could go with Quantum Physics, but it really wasn’t all that deep. I could explain the two main theories of time and how it operated, but she told me that time in Equestria was more like a pond than a river, meaning that if someone goes back in time, they create a miniature loop that needs to be broken by special magic. Ponies were supposed to be on the lookout for people who are bone crushingly depressed since it’s one of the main indicators that someone is stuck in a loop. I found it to be mildly amusing since I didn’t have magic that could trap me in time, though Luna found it far less appealing, stating that she’d even looped herself once while trying to stop herself from breaking Celestia’s favorite vase about three and a half thousand years ago. I remembered to ask her about getting Dune Bug and Silver Storm off the hook, but she was a little reluctant to stop something she'd put in motion, so I reminded her that it was my fault in the first place. She wore down quickly, so I considered my job done.
While we were talking, I considered telling her that I’d found a catalyst, but then I remembered that it would be completely fucking retarded to do so, just in case she decided to deep six my arse then and there to save herself the trouble of dealing with me when I became a threat. With that in mind, I kept my mouth fucking shut so I would live a little longer. While I knew that Luna actually liked me to a certain degree, I also knew that she wouldn’t hesitate to put her sword through my heart should I ever start playing fast and loose with my powers.
I abruptly changed the topic from the possible health benefits involved in eating copious amounts of carrot cake to fighting styles. I wasn’t surprised to find that Luna preferred the standard sword and shield, though her sword reminded me more of a gladius than anything traditionally European. I, on the other hand, was only ‘trained’ in street fights and scraps that would often would’ve punched my ticket many times over if I wasn’t as agile as I was. Luna might have been the ADC (Attack Damage Carry), but I was full on glass cannon with my approach to skirmishes. I preferred to hit hard and dodge quickly rather than parrying or trying to tank blows, while Luna was an expert with ripostes and was quite experienced with many styles of fighting. As we were talking, we knew that there could only be one outcome pertaining to our observations about ourselves and each other: We had to see who was better.
Luna made her steward take her place for a little while so Luna and I could head to the training grounds for a private, quiet clash. I doubted that we would be able to finish without an audience, and when Luna lead me to the training grounds, we already had one. Night Guards of all shapes and sizes were milling about, doing whatever they were supposed to be doing with their time. Our arrival was met with much kneeling and bowing, though some of the people who saw me first just saluted up until they realized who I was walking with.
There were some soldiers standing around a ring in the dirt, watching two of their own go at it in a rather entertaining sparring match. I couldn’t really tell the dudes apart since they were wearing full armor, but there didn’t really seem to be a clear victor anyways, so I just sat back and watched the show. They concluded once one of them subdued the other, and Luna stepped in to congratulate the guy who won. I took the loser aside for a moment and told him that he’d done pretty well, but his footwork needed some adjustment, and when Luna came around to talk to him too, she basically said the same thing. The guys only real problem was that he was a bit clumsy with his footing, but other than that, he’d seemed solid enough. Sadly, good enough just doesn’t cut it when you’re fighting for your life, so Luna made sure to scold him for getting himself killed, which I found amusing.
By this time, most of the guards around the training grounds had stopped at some point to stare at Luna and myself, although can’t say I was surprised in the slightest. When you have a Princess and a Baron on the field shit’s bound to get interesting. I could have sworn I could feel the rumors start gestating as Luna and I approached the circle. When we stepped inside, Luna spoke to the Captain of the Night Guard, a grizzled looking man simply named Dirge. Luna asked if we could borrow the ring for a round of sparring, but it’s not like she’d even had to bother with it. She could’ve simply told the guy that we were going at it, but that would have been rude, and thankfully Luna still remembered how to be polite sometimes.
I set my sack of crap down outside the ring since I’d been carrying it the entire time. After a quick stretch so I don’t fuck anything up too badly, Luna came over and enchanted Nacht and the Warbling Blade so that I would turn her into finely sliced Pony and did the same to her own blade. We took our positions at opposite sides of the ring, and when Dirge rang the bell, we approached each together carefully. I took in Luna’s stance as a whole: Her shield blocked off any frontal attacks, and since she was right handed, dodging to the left would probably get me cut. Dodging to the right might get me bashed with a shield, but it seemed better than getting shanked, so I rushed Luna over the last couple of meters between us and feigned hard to the left before fully committing to the right. Luna had sent a quick thrust my way, but with the power of opposable appendages, I cleared her quickly and scored a blow on her thigh with Nacht. Being a lefty had suited me just fine in quite a few fights, but I was assumed that Luna had fought against left handed opponents before, so I tried to figure out another approach.
While I was thinking, I was constantly whirring around Luna, dodging swing after swing from her sword. I’d had to sheath the Warbling Blade so I could have an open hand which proved to be the right move. Luna tried to bash me with her shield to make some distance, but I was on her like white on rice, and I wasn’t going anywhere fast. When I grabbed the rim of her shield and jerked it forward, Luna instinctively jerked it back, not expecting me to push right along with her, causing the Lunar Diarch to lose her footing. She didn’t topple over, much to my disappointment, but now she had the distance she’d wanted and I was going to have to put in some work to get back in range. The Warbling Blade found its way back into my right hand, giving me a pretty stupid idea. I closed the distance between myself and Luna once more, but this time when she threw an overhead swing at me, I tried to smack it aside with Nacht so I could close in with my offhand. Sadly, Luna’s good at doing the combat because she altered the path of her swing in a split second and scored a glancing blow to my side. It had been weakened by some quick thinking on my part, but I could still feel some numbness where Luna hit me, indicating that I would have taken damage.
I sobered up a little and approached Luna more carefully. I jabbed and poked at what I could see, though she parried often with supreme accuracy. Luna had gotten warmed up, and I hadn’t been able to finish the fight quickly enough, so I was thinking that I was pretty much boned. A little distance went a long way in allowing me to get some of my stamina back, and I decided not to draw out the conflict any longer. I dropped low into my stance and circled Luna slowly, shortening the distance between us with each passing step until I was within range of her sword. Luna made no attempts to show me mercy of any kind, and her rapid thrusts and swings with her sword just showed how comfortable she was on the battlefield. I dodged and deflected her blows with my knives, but Luna just kept hitting harder and harder until I could barely feel my hands. I decided it was the right time to enact my plan, so I hopped back a ways and charged Luna for the final time. She bunkered down with her sword pointing at me, her eyes following my every movement. I could see that she had been expecting me to fake her out again, so I did something unexpected: I drop kicked her.
Luna rolled over once before regaining her composure, but it was already over. I was behind her in an instant with Nacht poised for the kill. She laid her weapons down and I withdrew, panting from the work out. Luna wasn’t in much better condition than I was, though she hid it rather well. We shook hands with Luna admitting her defeat, but before I could say anything, we were greeted by a round of applause from the peanut gallery. ‘Rematch’ was chanted from somewhere out of sight at first, but slowly grew in volume until Luna told everyone to shut the fuck up. We agreed to have another match after a short break, so I asked one of the guards where a guy could get something to drink. He pointed me to the canteen while Luna gave a lecture on how to deal with opponents like me, which I thought was a little unfair.
After I got my drink and the numbness wore off, I returned to the ring and chatted up some of the guards. They weren’t terribly talkative folks, but when I assured them that I would cover for them if they got into trouble, most were happy to listen to me try out new material and tell the occasion tale from my days as a street rat. I’d only been talking to a group of four or so guards when I’d started, but as I continued to speak, more people gathered to listen to my tales. It was rather ego inflating until Luna told me that it was time for our second match.
I got fucking wrecked. Luna had increased the power behind her thrusts, and with that power came speed in spades. Luna read most of my moves, so I only ended up scoring two good hits against her during the ten or so minutes we fought. By the time Luna was done handing my arse to me, most of my upper body was numb, and the only thing that had stopped her from getting my legs was the fact that I spent the last three minutes running around like a chicken with its head cut off. We got another round of applause from the guards along with a few chuckles for my antics, so Luna and I decided to go for a tie breaker once we weren’t as magically numbed.
We chatted on the sidelines, watching another pair of guards go at it while we traded suggestions to each other. Luna told me to be more aggressive and I told her to take care not to tire out too early. The only reason the second match had lasted so long was because I’d worn Luna out by running circles around her, but in doing that, I’d worn myself out too, so I made sure to not do that again. The dark blue butthead ended up taking the third round too because I’d gone for a risky trade, thinking that Nacht was longer than it actually was. I had a good feel for the blade now, but I needed more practice swinging it to get more familiar with its reach. As much as I would’ve liked to stay and take on all challengers, I had a long day ahead of me and I doubted that Luna would approve of me packing her guards’ fudge, despite the fact that I was feeling a bit worn out from three fights in a row.
I went to sleep around four in the morning and woke up around ten. Forward thinking had smiled on me this day since I could get my journal caught up without being bothered by anyone or anything, and once that was done, I walked over to the Court Hall to say hello to the other white meat for a little bit.
After signing far too many goddamn papers, I was allowed to see Celestia. From across the Court Hall, I said, “Hullo there, sunshine.”
Celestia raised her brow and gave me a half smile. “If it isn’t our little soldier in training. Luna told me that you did rather well in your sparring last night.”
“Didn’t stop her from winning. I swear, once she knocked the rust off, Luna became un-fucking-stoppable.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Perhaps to you. Lulu is still my baby sister, and she will remain so forever and always. My cute, harmless little sister.”
“If you consider Luna harmless, then I’d hate to see what you consider dangerous.” I scoffed.
“I consider you dangerous. You don’t even have to strike a person to tear them apart.” Celestia said drily.
“It wouldn’t be tearing them apart if I was punching them, now would it?” She rolled her eyes again. “Anyways, when is my date with Prick Blueballs?”
Celestia giggled. “I can summon him now if you’d like to get it out of the way. I say now, but he won’t be here for at least two hours. Lazy bastard.”
“Seriously, do you know what this guy has against me? I mean, I didn’t even know Equestria had a prince, so if he went this long without being mentioned, why is he stirring shit up now?” I asked, mildly irritated.
She shook her head. “I wish I could tell you, but all he says is that a non-Pony has no right to rule over Pony lands. I’d thought I’d raised him better than to be so blatantly racist, but some apples are rotten to the core, no matter how fertile the ground is.”
“That’s a weird idiom, but it’s kinda cool in an old people kinda way.” I said.
Celestia gave me a look. “Shut up, Max. As I was saying, you really shouldn’t have any problems from Blueblood. Once you decide the victor, I’m hoping he’ll get a good enough helping of humble pie to shut his loud mouth every once in awhile.”
“I don’t know what kind of guy Blueblood is, but from what I’ve heard about him so far, he’s a right twat. I’ll set him up nice and proper, so don’t you worry about a thing, Sunbutt.” I grinned cheekily.
“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about the backlash that I might receive for being on your team. Blueblood can be quite the whiner if you give him half a chance.”
“I’ll be sure to stab him in his throat, then. Is this a life or death kinda deal, first blood, or until someone forfeits?” I asked.
“It will go on until somepony is unable to continue, though your weapons will be magically blunted so that you don’t kill each other.” You left something unsaid there, didn’t you?
I popped my neck. “Shame. I wouldn’t mind the thrill of a real fight, but I suppose challengers can’t be choosers. Has he bitched about my choice in weapons so far?”
“For nearly an hour straight. He wanted you to pick a ‘gentlecolt’s weapon’ instead of some commoners tool, but he was quick to laud the value of knives in today’s society when I mentioned that I used to carry a dagger with me at all times. The silly sycophant thinks I don’t know his schemes like somepony else hasn’t tried the same thing a thousand times before.”
I nodded. “I like knives. They’re useful for doing the folky pokey.”
“Isn’t it the ‘hokey pokey’?” Celestia asked.
“Not when you’re poking folks with knives. That’s not something I would sing to my kids any day.”
“You disturb me at times, but it’s usually amusing once I get over the fact that you talk about murder like it’s the weather.” Celestia said.
“Hey look! It’s gory with a chance of gristle outside! It’s an entrail hail coming from above!” I chuckled.
Celestia rolled her eyes once more and sent a note off. “As much as I would love to continue talking to you, I have a country to run. I’ll be in the Courtyard when you got to battle with Blueblood, however, so I’ll see you then.”
“Until then, magic talking Pony.”
I received an odd look for that, but just chuckled and continued on with my day. There wasn’t anything I actually had to do and I’d changed into the outfit I was planning on wearing to the fight, so I headed out into the Courtyard and loitered around for a bit, practicing Asstronomy and jotting down some ideas for the third book in my romance series, A Star-Crossed Love. I wasn’t done with the second installment yet, but I was getting close and had plenty of thoughts for the third one, so I filled a couple of pages with halfway fleshed out ideas that I could work into a story if I was feeling creative. I got bored of doing that eventually and walked around the Courtyard for a bit, but there weren’t many people around. By one, a few more people petered in, and by two, there were an awful lot of people waiting to see Blueblood and I square off, but Celestia was nowhere in sight. I shrugged it off and took some time to limber up since it never hurt to be flexible.
Some pompous looking prick that I assumed was Blueblood carved a path through the people surrounding the outer edges of the Courtyard, so I rose from my seat and said, “Look who finally decided to show up. Was your boyfriend too rough on you last night, or did you spend all this time getting dolled up just for me?”
Blueblood sneered. “You’re so funny, for one of the hoi polloi. Let’s see how much you talk after I’m done with you.” Someone’s getting a nickname.
“I’m sorry mate, I couldn’t hear you past the bullshit dripping from your lips. Try again, will you? And try to make it original. These people came here for a show, and I’m doubting that you have any of your own material.”
“These ponies are here to watch their beloved prince trounce some jumped up, uppity commoner who thinks that he can just become a noble on a whim!”
“No, these people are here to see one of the most widely hated people in Canterlot have a knife shoved up his arse, so why don’t you come over and let me give them what they want? At least if you please the crowd, someone might actually like you.”
Blueballs looked at me with utter disgust, but before he could say anything else, Celestia strode out into the Courtyard. I watched as her subjects knelt before her, but I just gave her a shallow bow because I was supposed to show some manner of deference. Blueballs, on the other hand, was pretty pissed that he had to kneel and I didn’t, so I gave him my smuggest smirk.
Celestia raised her hands for the plebeians to rise. “Maximus, Baron of Ponyville and Cloudsdale, you have hereby been challenged by Prince Blueblood for the right to govern your land. Do you accept this challenge?”
“I do, but I don’t think it’s going to be much of a challenge.” I said nonchalantly.
Blueballs looked pissed, but he wasn’t about to speak out of turn with Celestia. I could feel that she was holding back a smile. “As the challenged, you have the right to choose the contest. You have chosen a ‘Knife Fight’, as you call it. Is this correct?”
I nodded. “It is.”
Celestia returned the nod and two spots on the ground lit up with her magic. I went to one while Blueballs went to the other. I felt my weapons begin to vibrate suddenly, but they stopped just as quickly as they started and I guessed that Celestia had just blunted out weapons with some more magic. I was hoping that I’d be able to stab this guy, but I could deal with a little disappointment. I scanned the crowd, looking for Luna, but didn’t see her anywhere, so I assumed that she was watching from inside the castle. Sunbutt told us to unsheath our weapons so she could check if the magic had taken effect, and surprisingly, the enchantment wouldn’t stick to Blueballs’ expensive looking bowie knife. Frankly, I thought the blade itself was far too garish to ever actually be used, but I suppose that enchanted weapons should look like they’re worth what you pay for them. Celestia almost disqualified Blueballs then and there for cheating, but I graciously offered to ignore that little detail if we could just get started already. It didn’t go over that well with Celestia, but Blueballs was all for it since he was a slimy fucker like that. The contest would be allowed to continue, but if Blueballs went for a purposefully lethal strike, he would be reprimanded. I found it amusing that he thought he’d be able to trick Celestia, but it just wasn’t my place to laugh. I might have anyway, but you can't prove shit.
A ring formed around Blueballs and I, but It was about three meters too large. I asked Sunbutt to shrink the circle by half and Blueballs looked a little scared to be in such close quarters, so I used that to my advantage. Once Celestia began the contest, I opened my mouth and let insults tumble out as much as I pleased. I said some pretty awful things that don’t bear repeating, but it got me a ticket straight into Blueballs’ head, so I considered it a job well done. I’d pissed him off something fierce by insulting his lineage and telling him that his parents had never wanted him in the first place, which struck one hell of a nerve. Blueballs lunged at me and immediately went for my heart, but he was painfully slow compared to Luna, so I sidestepped and swung a fist into his nose. My hook had never been half of what Maxwell’s was, but it got the job done pretty well since it had stunned Blueballs long enough to put him on his knees. To prove my goddamn point, I punted his head like a football and watched him roll over before shakily getting to his feet. His nose was squashed and gushing blood, and he looked like he could barely hold himself up, so I took it easy on the guy and backed off a couple of steps. Blueballs picked his knife back up and made a few feeble attempts to cut me, but I wasn’t having any of this disrespectful little twat’s bullshit. In two quick motions, I deflected one of his would be blows and jammed the tip of my knife into his torso, aiming for the heart. The poor, foolish fucker just fell over and stayed there, so I sheathed my shit and scratched my head.
“Is that it?” I called out.
Celestia approached from outside the circle and knelt next to Blueballs. “I believe that’s the end of the contest.” She rose and came to my side, lifting my hand up. With her voice amplified by magic, she said, “Maximus has won the challenge!”
There was a fucking standing ovation, though I guess most people were standing already. I don’t think anyone besides Celestia and myself were expecting me to win, so imagine the surprise from the bystanders when I came out without so much as a scratch. I almost felt bad for not breaking a sweat, but the aristocunt shouldn’t have picked a fight with someone who kills people to make money. Like seriously, did the guy not know that I was an Operative? Most of the Night Guards knew and some of the Day Guards had heard about my feats, but I was pretty sure that Blueballs was so far out of the loop, he’d probably thought that Celestia had just up and given me some land. I'd expected there to be more people on Blueballs' side, but most of the people in the crowd were either guards, staff, or passers by, so I was pretty sure that most of them had at least heard of Blueballs' dickery.
Medics came by and dispelled the magic that was keeping Blueballs down, though he didn’t even thank them for helping him out. Instead, he shouted at the poor ladies, telling them to fix his nose or get lost. Celestia stopped me from ruining his face some more and went to go scold her nephew personally. As punishment for being a fucking prick to some innocent people, Celestia told Blueballs that he was going to have to let his nose heal naturally and that he needed to learn to stop looking down on people if he ever wanted respect. I flipped him off because that ship had already sailed as far as I was concerned, but it’s not like he knew what the gesture meant, so it was more for me than for him. After being chewed out, Blueballs stormed out of the Courtyard in a bitch-like huff and I chuckled.
With the challenge over, there wasn’t any reason to hang around much longer, so everyone went back to what they were doing. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but there were actually a lot of people watching, so I figured that I would be getting letters and some visits for putting Blueballs on his back. Celestia tapped my shoulder and gestured for me to follow her, though she didn’t say a thing the entire time we were walking, giving me the general impression that I was in trouble. Something told me that I wasn’t, but I’d learned that such feelings could often be incorrect when dealing with Celestia, so I held my tongue until we arrived at the Dining Hall.
Luna was already there, so Celestia and I joined her. Just as I sat down, Luna started giggling, so I asked, “What’s got you giggling?”
“The fact that you could have ended the fight without breaking his nose. I find it quite amusing.” Luna said.
Celestia gave her a disapproving look. “The fight was over far too soon. You overestimated your opponent, Max.”
“You’re some sick fucks, aren’t you? I bet you get your jollies by watching me toss the rubbish about.” I chuckled.
“Only when the rubbish is as insufferable as Blueblood. You might be insufferable at times, but at least you don't act like your very presence is a gift to the world.” Luna scoffed.
“That’s because I pay attention to how shitty a person I am. I try to keep it below dung heap levels.” I jested.
“When does a heap become a heap? When does it cease to be so?” Celestia questioned.
“After three or more dung pies, it’s a heap. Less than three, and its just poo on the floor.” I answered wisely.
“With a mouth as foul as yours, I find it odd that you manage to keep a mare around you at all.” Luna jibed.
“It’s because I’m sexy and exotic. Who cares what I say when I look this good?” I borrowed one of Zoolander’s poses, though I hated the movie.
“You’re so full of hot air, I’m rather surprised that you don’t float.” Celestia said cheekily. I do in water.
“It’s because I spend so much time talking, it helps vent the excess.”
Celestia rolled her eyes and we were allowed to eat lunch. We had some polite conversation, but Luna just wanted to compliment me on fucking up Blueballs’ smug face. Eventually, Celestia cracked a smile and noted how satisfying it was to see him being taken down a notch, which I found to be a little fucked up since they were both supposed to be his aunts. I suppose that you can only be a prick for so long before no one likes you any more, and in that respect, I saw myself in Blueballs’ shoes. I could see myself being caustic enough to ward anyone from getting close to me, but it’s not like I was that self centered. At the very least, I would push people away so I wouldn't hurt them, not because I thought I was better than them.
We finished up with lunch soon after starting it, though I continued to munch on things while we were getting stuff wrapped up. For some odd reason, ever since I’d started using Dark Magic, I was ravenous around meal times and would practically inhale whatever was in front of me. I managed to keep things polite, but it was like dumping gas onto a fire most days, and it only petered out when I consumed food like I was trying to put on weight. There are worse things to gorge yourself on when you consider that my diet consists mostly of plants and pasta, but it meant that I had to keep a well stocked pantry if I didn’t want to go shopping every day.
Celestia was kind enough to teleport me back home once I’d gathered my crap, so I wrote Twilight a note telling her that I was home. She didn’t reply, so I decided to stop by the next day so she could have some time to cool down. However, that meant that I had the day to myself if I wanted it, so I caught my journals up to literally this point. I might go grab some juice, might have myself a smoke.
I guess we’ll see what happens next.