Mane.
Washed, dried and brushed for peak pouffiness.
Check.
Face.
Washed, dried and brushed for maximal engagement.
Check.
Eyes.
A long and blissful sleep to eliminate blear, all traces of rheum cleaned away, lashes aligned.
Check.
Teeth.
Brushed with minty-fresh whitening paste and flossed for a smile that can brighten the gloomiest day.
Check.
All set to spread good cheer to every corner of Ponyville. And every edge. And every ... um ... what do you call the area inside the lines of a shape? My geometrical terminology's a little rusty these days. Twilight would probably know. Ooh, I should ask her! She loves imparting academic knowledge. She always gets that cute, eager look on her face. It's such a joy to behold.
Humming cheerfully to herself, her head bopping from side to side, Pinkie Pie walked to the bathroom door and opened it to an explosion.
The pink pony rocketed with a scream backwards and up to the bathroom ceiling. She ricocheted down to the far wall and down to the oval mat on the centre of the tiled floor. Her momentum caused the mat to slip from under her hooves and she found herself somersaulting backwards in mid air. After half a dozen spins gravity took effect and she smacked belly-first onto the tiles. There she lay, stunned, as the bathroom mat flopped down onto her head, covering her face.
The sounds of laughter filled the air. Pinkie lifted the anterior-oriented curve of the mat from her eyes to take a look at the diabolical masterminds who had lain in wait to blow the double-barreled raspberry at her.
Pound Cake, a pegasus colt with a bone-coloured coat and brown mane, lay prone in the doorway, thumping his four hooves on the floor in a fit of hilarity. His twin sister, Pumpkin, was a yellow unicorn with a mane of gold tied in a blue bow. She rocked on her back with her legs gleefully kicking the air.
Pinkie gawped at her ambushers in speechless fury before a malevolent grin spread across her face. "Oh, I am so gonna get you two."
* * *
The sun had only just emerged over the horizon, the dawn light not doing justice to the outward appearance of Sugarcube Corner. The exterior of Ponyville's most popular patisserie was decorated with enticing likenesses of candle-topped cupcakes, icing-trimmed gingerbread, cookies and other examples of the panoply of confection offered within.
Not that even the tastiest baked treats posed any temptation for Maud Pie this morning, or even in general. A far more compelling need had drawn her here.
The light grey earth pony—a hornless, wingless race—walked towards the bakery at a speed marginally above her usual stately pace. As she expected, the door was locked and behind the glass hung a sign bearing the words "Sorry we are closed" and a drawing of a comically sad pony face. Nevertheless, she lifted her forehoof and knocked three times on the wooden door frame.
From within the dimly lit interior of the bakery emerged a plump, light blue earth pony mare of middle foal-bearing years. A mane resembling a swirl of pink icing sat atop a chubby face that was built for a warm, welcoming smile but currently bore the expression of one trying to conceal her annoyance.
It amazed Cup Cake that there were functioning, grown ponies around who were seemingly unable to read a sign clearly stating "Sorry we are closed" or listing an establishment's opening and closing times for every day of the week. Or who thought it perfectly reasonable to expect her and her husband, Carrot Cake, to throw open their doors at any hour should a customer have an imminent need for a chocolate chip muffin, because they're already, you know, inside the place.
Her curt demeanour instantly vanished at the sight who had come calling. "Maud?" Mrs Cake unbolted and opened the door, jingling the overhead bell.
"I'm sorry to bother you so early, Mrs Cake," intoned Maud in her characteristically flat-sounding voice.
"Not at all. Come in, come in." Cup hastened backwards to permit Maud's entry, then closed the door behind them. "Is Pinkie Pie expecting you?"
"I can never be certain what Pinkie Pie is expecting. I just really need to see her."
Cup glanced in the direction of Pinkie's bedroom. "Well, it's her morning off. I'm not sure if she's up yet."
"Oh, no you don't!" Pinkie's high-pitched voice rang out above the usual sounds of the twins giggling and scampering around.
* * *
The twins had galloped off in different directions so that at least one might evade their pink pursuer. Pinkie focused her chase on Pound Cake, knowing that once he escaped she would not be retrieving him anytime soon. Catching up in a few bounds, she stretched her neck towards his hindquarters, clasped her teeth around his brown tail and deftly yet gently drew the colt back towards her waiting forelegs.
Pound did not give up easily. His wings were still free; he buzzed them at hummingbird speed until he lifted his clinging captor from the floor.
Pinkie was wise to this move, however. "Oh, no you don't!" With a grunt of effort, she hoisted herself up until her face was level with the colt's flank. She pressed her pony lips to his side and blew an almighty raspberry.
The sensation sent Pound into a paroxysm. As he shrieked and convulsed, his wings reflexively snapped back to his sides and the two ponies dropped like stones back towards the floor.
Pinkie slipped her body directly under the foal's, cushioning his fall. With a smooth, practised movement, she rolled herself over the top of him and carefully wrapped her foreleg around the centre of Pound's barrel, pinioning the wings of the juvenile pegasus while he was still too wracked with laughter to resist.
* * *
Cup Cake smiled pleasantly if uneasily at the visitor. "Ah, it sounds like she's up."
"Unless she was talking in her sleep," Maud pointed out.
A squeak of alarm erupted from upstairs, followed by a soft thumping sound and a snippet of blooble-looble-loobling lip-music. "Missed me," Pinkie taunted in a gleeful, sing-song voice.
"Which seems less likely now," the grey mare continued.
"Pinkie Pie," called the baker to her live-in apprentice, "your sister Maud is here."
"Be-right-down," Pinkie replied stiffly, in time with the barrage of stuffed toys that she was swatting aside with her fluffy tail. Pumpkin Cake used her unicorn magic to fire the projectiles towards her brother's captor, who was quick-marching tripedally backwards towards her.
Cup turned back to Maud, who was steadily drawing her indifferent-looking gaze around the interior of the patisserie. Like the outside, it was decorated with sculptures of assorted sweetmeats: lollipops, candy canes, icing swirls and many more.
"She'll be right down," Mrs Cake said unnecessarily, for lack of much else to say. Amiable by nature, she found Maud's body language inscrutable and her voice toneless, and her attempts to engage the younger pony in conversation always felt highly awkward to her. "Can I get you anything?"
"No. Thank you." More gazing around.
To Cup's huge relief, Pinkie started descending the stairs moments later. Her front left foreleg still held Pound tight, while Pumpkin was bound up in the pink pony's tail. The twins' fight was gone; they dangled from their bonds, laughing their little pony heads off.
"What am I going to do with you two, hmm? Put you in the trash can?"
"No!" the twins screamed in unison.
"Put you in theeeeeeeeeee freezer?"
"No!"
"Put you in theeeeeeeeeee oven?"
"No!"
"Bake you up like two yummy-nummy-scrummy little cakes?"
"Nooo!!"
"Aww, how come you guys never let me have any fun, huh?" Pinkie pouted in mock disappointment. "It's so sad."
Then she froze.
Then she gaped.
Then she gasped. A long, deep gasp.
Pinkie had never seen Maud looking so thoroughly desolate. So forlorn. So empty.
"Maud!" she wailed, before turning anxiously to her pony cargo. "Go on, little foals, go to Mommy." She set the twins down as quickly as she dared before hastening up to her older sister.
"Wheeeee!" Pumpkin Cake, oblivious to the heartache surrounding her, generated a magical aura about her body and used it to float herself towards her mother's back. Pound Cake simply shot like an arrow up to his mother's side and clung fast, burying his muzzle into her hide.
Absorbing the blow with a grunt, Mrs Cake told the earth pony sisters, "I'll leave you to it," and headed back to the kitchen with her babbling children along for the ride. She tried not to feel too guilty about her utter failure to read Maud's mood.
Her eyes and lips quivering, Pinkie placed her foreleg across her sister's befrocked shoulders and led her towards the stairway. "Wha-what's happened? Why are you so upset?"
"Well, remember when you came to visit the other day?"