The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Side(?) Battle: Double Sun Power

Advisory: Please set your "Formatting" to "Dark" before you continue reading. Thank you.

Well... I suppose this was going to happen eventually. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Oh, and possible spoiler warning!
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and DC Comics.
---

Legends respected across realms...

Considered godlike among men, women, colts, and fillies...

They represent ideals, the best that we can strive for.

They walk the path of good even when all others abandon it.

Drawing power from the yellow sun...

... they bring light and hope to all.

Superman: The Man of Steel.

Celestia: The pony that brings the dawn.

To make sure that this battle is just a little bit more fair, we will be allowing both combatants to draw on their feats and abilities from their modern-day comics.

And because the comics are debatable when it comes to consistent continuity, the audience can decide if they want to read this as a main chapter or a side chapter.

He's W and I'm B...

She's N and I'm F...

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills...

... to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Superman
-AKA: Kal-El, Clark Kent
-Kryptonian
-Super fast, strong, flies, heat vision, frost breath, x-ray vision, can block telepathic attacks, last-ditch effort: "Supernova"
-Absorbs energy directly from a yellow sun/star
-Can process information like a supercomputer
-Brilliant disguise: a pair of glasses
-Primary weakness: Kryptonite
-Cannot resist magical damage

Born on a doomed planet, Dr. Jor-El sent his son Kal to Earth with the mission of protecting mankind.

He was adopted by the Kents, who called him Clark. And boy were they surprised when they found out he was an alien with superpowers!

Growing up, Clark had to overcome several of his self-created, mental barriers in order to unlock his powers and capabilities. He moved to Metropolis and worked as a reporter. While he showed his face as the caped crusader to fight crime and protect innocent lives from danger, he had the perfect disguise for his secret identity.

It's amazing what people will think about you when you pretend to be a wimp that needs glasses.

By drawing power from the yellow sun, Superman gains immense strength, speed, durability, and several other powers. His various visions allow him to see through objects or at a microscopic level. He can forcefully move objects back several miles or freeze them solid with a single breath.

He can fly and heal his own physical damage, with enough sunbathing. When he turns on his heat vision to full blast, he can scorch entire armies or even a planet.

He can hear sounds from really far away and through outer space, which is physically impossible for normal people. But Superman is anything but normal.

Yeah, I mean you're pretty extraordinary when you can pick up infinity pounds!

Um, but that's not-

Plus, he has been trained in the martial art of Torquasm Ro, to protect from mental attacks and even counterattack.

Despite how invincible he may be to most folks, he is specifically weak to a glowing green rock called Kryptonite. Also, his endurance doesn't really do jack squat against magic... or writer's convenience... whichever comes first.

Still, there's a reason why he would win more battles than not. He is an ideal to aspire to be. He's practically a god trying to live among men, always trying to do the right thing... even at the cost of his own safety just to protect the people around him.

~Superman... Superman... this... is the theme... song to Superman...~

"Alright, have you had your fun? I would rather we not destroy the Earth a second time!"

Celestia
-The eldest Princess of Equestria
-Alicorn pony
-Flies, teleport, strong, magic, can turn into fire, transfiguration spells, magic barrier, mind shield, dark magic
-Can absorb energy directly from the sun
-Has occasionally blundered for the sake of a writer's story
-Can singe a foe in one magic blast
-Primary weakness: Destiny
-Hosts her own comedy show

In the magical land of Equestria dominated by ponies, Celestia and Luna rule as the princesses of day and night.

At least until somebody started injecting new alicorns in almost every season, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

As an alicorn pony, Celestia has access to the inherent magical abilities of all three pony kinds. Her earth pony blood allows her to crack and shake the ground with her hooves. Her pegasus trait allows her to fly over long distances with her wings. And her unicorn trait gives her access to a large pool of magic and the abilities therein.

Unlike the show that keeps trying to downplay the capabilities of all the alicorns for the sake of making sure stories can happen, the comic books seem all too happy to show us just how powerful an alicorn princess can be.

Celestia has learned some of the most advanced spells any unicorn can possibly master, such as teleportation, magic beams, and levitation. Her levitation is strong enough to keep both sun and moon in regular cycles, which she managed to do for over a thousand years while her sister was temporarily trapped in the moon itself.

I've been trapped in moons before... if you catch my drift.

Focus, gutter-brain. Celestia has a few different shield spells which can protect herself and others from physical harm, and mental attacks. The mind control she was able to hold off happened to be Nightmare Moon's attempts. Certain instances have shown Celestia performing transfiguration magic on other targets, wielding dark magic without experiencing severe pain, and absorbing energy from the very sun itself.

Celestia's magic is so powerful in the comics, that there was one time where she had a rematch with Chrysalis and scorched the changeling queen and a good portion of the drones along with her. Plus, she can turn her entire body into fire. That's right, Celestia can become a living flame! Wonder if she ever ate at the same fruit bar as Portgas D. Ace?

Still, all of the magic in Equestria doesn't make her flawless. There have been more than a few times where the comics were written so that she could be captured or defeated so that other heroes could stand in her stead.

These defeats include, but aren't limited to, plants of a deer king, Discord's antics, and a weird romance with a mirror-verse Sombra that was somehow good in a universe where the princesses were evil and ruthless.

Yeah... it turns out that crossing to a different universe several times over inadvertently connected them so closely that the real Celestia nearly got beaten to a pulp when the mirror-verse Luna physically assaulted mirror-verse Celestia. We do realize how complicated these adventures get, even if magic is the only way to explain away some of the things.

Still, at least the comic writers are willing to let Celestia shine in ways that the show may never permit itself to do. Perhaps now, she has a chance to even her odds against her opponent.

"So you have an overachieving student. Sound familiar?"

Alright, the combatants are set.

Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a...

Comic Death Battle!

Sunlight shines brightly upon a large layer of clouds. A few cartoon ducks poke their heads out of one of the clouds before flying off to some pond on the ground. Elsewhere at this high altitude, two figures are sunbathing while upright. A man dressed in blue tights and a red cape does so while floating. The other is a white-winged alicorn pony while simply standing on a cloud.

"Let me guess," says the man without moving. "Your people wanted you to prove your strength and chose me as your opponent."

The pony simply nods while continuing to bask. "Yours as well?"

"Yep." He crosses his arms and sighs. "You ready to give them results?"

"I suppose I must." Her horn lights up and the sun instantly shifts to a high noon position in the sky.

He holds his arms to his sides as he flies a little higher. She flaps her wings and approaches the same elevation. As the camera goes to split-screen on their faces, they each take in one more dose of Vitamin D before looking at each other with serious eyes. Out to full-screen mode again, he is on the left while she is on the right of the picture.

Superman flies forward, creating a sonic boom behind him. Celestia forms a translucent, golden sphere around herself. The Kryptonian pulls his right fist back a split-second before he jabs the sphere. Said sphere and its occupant are sent flying backward. Superman rushes after it while holding his left fist back. He performs a mirror image of his first attack, jabbing with his left hand this time.

Despite her two forced pushes backward, the Equestrian breathes evenly. In a blur, Superman appears a ways ahead of the sphere and slams both of his fists downward. The impact sends the magic sphere down below the cloud layer. At the same time, Celestia's horn glows a bit brighter. Grunting in confusion, Superman is surprised to find something pulling him downward at the same rate as his opponent.

Celestia lands on the ground on all four hooves, making cracks in the rocky earth. Superman lands nearby with one fist in front of his bent knee. It is the sometimes criticized 'hero jump' that looks like it would shatter more than a normal man's legs. However, this is no normal man and it looks like the ground suffers the gist of the damage. He stands up and looks at his current target.

His eyes glow red. As he jerks his head forward slightly, a big blast of heat is unleashed in a concentrated diameter. The princess's horn glows yellow. She does a similar motion with her head, but the beam is golden-white and rushes in the opposite direction of the red vision. Heat meets magic and they press against each other for a couple seconds. Then, they explode the ground between the two.

Superman rushes forth physically and unleashes a big breath. It is expelled as what appears to be a bluish-white gale. Icicles start forming all over the alicorn's body. She grunts a bit before her eyes glow completely white. A spark ignites from her tail before it looks like the rest of her body is covered in a blaze of fire.

With a battle-cry, Kal-El takes another swing at punching the pony. However, there's no sound of impact as his hand goes right through the fire. Confused, he watches as the spot where he punched through returns to its reddish-white blazing self. He punches the living fire a few more times, but it ultimately results in the same thing.

Celestia the fire turns around and bucks Superman. In addition to sending him sliding along the ground, it leaves a couple of burning spots on either side of his "S" symbol. He tries patting the spots with his hands, but that just sets his hands on fire. He tries blowing out the flames on his chest, but they end up spreading further along his costume and skin.

"These are... magic flames!" His eyes open wide as he runs up to Celestia. "Let's see if it can stand up to this!"

Something within Superman sends a warm glow to the rest of his body. A bright yellow burst of energy flows out of him. He yells to the heavens as his contained solar energy goes out in every direction that he can muster. The pony-shaped fire leans back really far before fading from the audience's sight.

The camera zooms out to see a large section of the planet. A giant yellow explosion can be seen, scattering the nearby clouds and a lot of debris. We get to zoom back in as the dust clouds clear and we see a battered Superman at the bottom of a crater.

...

Drained, Kal-El picks himself off the ground. His breathing is heavy. His suit is in tatters and is barely holding enough to give him modesty. He takes broad looks toward either side of him. The camera follows his line of sight, seeing no opponent.

A panned look at him head-on reveals an alicorn standing behind him. She seems to be drawing a line of magic straight from the sun and channeling it into her horn.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

Her golden glow surrounds Superman's head. It snaps at eighty degrees too far in a single turn. He collapses onto the dirt, his eyes are blank and his breathing ceases. Celestia levitates the deceased body and flies out of the camera's sight.

No... no, no, no... no, no, no, no, a million *eff* times no!

Suck it, Jabroni!

I'm not a brony! You're the pony!

I gotta say... I'm a bit skeptical of this result. Are you positive we didn't overlook anything? How could Superman... the Superman... lose in a conceivable fight to the death against anyone that isn't Doomsday?

It's actually your own fault. It's precisely because we looked at everything that we found evidence to prove that Superman is not unbeatable by other beings that are pure of heart.

Celestia lost to a freaking changeling queen, was powerless against a draconequus, and got sent to the TV-Y version of Hell by an effin' centaur!

We could turn that childish argument right around by saying that Superman lost rounds to the likes of Shazam, Darkseid, and even Batman. You know, the hero that doesn't have any super powers?

But we can take it a few steps further. In comic realm, Princess Celestia battled the changeling queen again, and roasted her alive. She held off Nightmare Moon's dream invasion magic with a mind-protection spell... giving her a means to counter Superman's own mental attacks... and she can teleport instantly, which is faster than any multiples of light-speed that Superman could travel.

But she doesn't have any Kryptonite! There's no other weakness that Superman has that could be exploited.

Heh heh heh. Don't you get tired of being wrong?

Oh no... you don't mean...

~Magic, magic, oo-oo, magic, magic...~

It's true. Celestia has an ample supply of one type of versatile ammunition that Superman has never been able to repel completely: magic. She had beams, fire, transfiguration, hardcore levitation that enabled her to move both moon and sun for a thousand years, and even a bit of dark magic in a pinch.

Plus, Superman's virtually limitless power from the sun wouldn't be able to stop Celestia from drawing her own power from the sun. So their nearly infinite power gathering would essentially cancel each other out. But while using his ultimate Supernova move would drain Superman of all his powers for a whole day, using all of her power at once would not stop Celestia from gathering more power from sunlight.

But has Celestia ever lifted Eternity and Infinity?

No, but neither has Superman. If you two had actually taken a look at those comics you drew your information from in full, you'd realize that the 'Book of Infinite Pages' is a gross overestimation. Superman actually saw the last page in the book, but could not comprehend it. Additionally, even the combined might of Superman, Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern together could not lift Spector, the guy made of 'eternity', at all.

I... I don't believe it. You mean... even the mightiest hero in all of our childhood history... couldn't beat one pony?

Don't be too discouraged. There are small percentages of possibilities that could have worked. In a battle of raw physical strength, Superman would actually stand a chance. But, uh... Celestia's not exactly reliant on just her bare hooves. She adds magic on top of it. Again, magic is something Superman can't overcome on his own.

If Superman had used his power that could reverse time, he might have been able to fight the battle with knowledge he didn't know beforehand. But then... Celestia could just as easily have used her magic to cross dimensions and fight a different Superman. So really, that isn't a steadfast solution for Superman to claim victory.

I was fully prepared to accept that Supes sucks as a character in comparison to other fictional beings, but a loser in combat? That's just... ugh! Lines have been crossed, you know?

Hey, this is just a simulated battle, if it'll make you feel any happier. Your Superman isn't really dead, okay? Just take a chill pill, take a breath, and have a smoke and/or drinking break. That always calms me down.

*sniff* Yeah... a bucket of beer sounds freaking therapeutic right about now.

I guess we can just be glad that we have these characters to look out for the well-being of the rest of us at all.

You can say Celestia shed some light on the subject.

The winner is Princess Celestia.

In a rather unfashionable art style, Superman and Celestia look at each other. He puts his hands on his sides and calmly watches. She charges up a spell and fires a bolt point-blank.

"And... dodge!" Superman instantly zips to one side.

"Wait, what?" Celestia asks. "How is that possible?"

Superman lifts a brow. " 'Cause I'm faster than a speeding bullet."

"Oh..." Her mane stops flowing.

"I win!" yells Superman as he flies over and uppercuts his opponent.

---
Meanwhile, in a cafe of the same art style as the hypothetical end result...

Superman and Batman each take a sip from their coffee. Their guest of the day sits against the back of the booth seat. She's currently giggling while levitating her own cup.

"So, wait... you actually think that's how it would happen?" Celestia gives Superman an incredulous look.

"It totally would." Supes briefly points an index finger before returning the grip around the cup handle.

"How would that even come about, though?" She takes a quick sip from her drink. "Both of us just want to protect our respective people. If anything, we'd probably cooperate to ensure that kind of peace."

The S-man gives a slight nod. "Okay. But maybe... if you find yourself in a situation where... your planet in all of its magic is suddenly warped over to take up the space of ours by a force you couldn't control. Then say, the only way to avoid completely losing our bodies, is by a one-way transformation."

Celestia does a spit-take all over Batman's face. She then proceeds to laugh like she does at one of Discord's comedy shows. Additionally, she bangs a front hoof against the table repeatedly.

"Oh my Thiessen!" She hollers between laughs. "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Batman activates a gadget in his belt that quickly wipes his face dry. "You got to admit, Clark. That did sound kind of stupid."

Superman sighs. "Look, the point is I'd win if we ever came to blows... or punches... or laser beams."

Celestia wipes away a tear due to laughter. "Ha... come on. My whole existence is practically made of one of your weaknesses. I might feel pain, but magic would win in the end."

Batman clears his throat. "But you know, I'd totally kick both of your rear ends in a real fight. Do you wanna know why?"

Superman facepalms. "Because you're-"

"BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!"

Celestia rubs a hoof under her muzzle. "You know, Kal and I were talking earlier and he said that I should ask you for more details regarding a different matter."

Batman sits back a bit. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

The princess looks genuinely curious. "Who is Martha?"

A few things happen simultaneously. Batman gasps and his eyes become as wide as saucers. He drops his coffee cup and the broken pieces scatter all over the floor. Superman slaps his knees while laughing up a storm... that just so happens to be taking place on the other side of the world in the oceanic area just north of Australia.

"Why did you say that name?!" cries Batman.

Celestia blinks, not comprehending the situation. She turns to look at the laughing Superman. She lifts a brow and looks at him with the stoic nature of a disbelieving mother.

"Oh my gosh!" Superman keeps laughing. "I can't believe I actually got her to say it. This is the greatest day ever!"

Liquid drips down the exposed part of Batman's face. "Not cool, man. Not cool."

Celestia scratches her flowing mane. "Yeah... I'll come back when there's less of... whatever this is." Her horn glows brightly and she teleports elsewhere with a 'pop'.