//------------------------------// // Bonus: The Arts and Crafts of War // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// “Pillow Talk. Pillow Talk, this is Rising Sun. Do you copy?” An alabaster pony called in a mock radio communication accent, kneeling low behind a stack of diaper bags arranged methodically in a bricklayer tile pattern. To her left sat Luna, who hid on top her own stack of diaper bags piled up in a small but sturdy mound. She kept her body as flat as she could to minimize exposure to the threat at hoof. “Must we use these silly codenames, sister?” Luna scoffed. “I hardly think they’re necessary.” “But of course! We must entertain our lovely Pink Eagle’s little game, right?” Celestia pointed to their target, a ‘fort’ that looked less like a fort and more like a pile of diaper bags arranged with no apparent rhyme or reason, safe for a small hole near the front where a petite pink face stuck out like a turtle head. “Gaboogi!” Flurry Heart pointed a hoof in Luna’s direction. Celestia nodded. “Exactly.” “You don’t even know what she said!” Luna threw her hooves out and raised her head in mild irritation to glare at Celestia. Pomf—CRASH An error capitalized on by one gleeful baby as she launched a diaper bag with startling accuracy, more startling power, and even more startling situational awareness. Celestia blinked at Flurry Heart before turning to smirk at her sister. “How about now?” Luna sighed, and in a deep blue glow pulled the bag of diapers off of her face. Then she pulled herself away from the diaper-lined walls of Celestia’s bedroom that served as an impact cushion and hid behind her mound. “Still developing a firm translation, but I think I have the basics down.” “Grrrrrahr!” Flurry boldly declared before hunkering down in Fort “Pffffhtththtpp”, though the adults in the room preferred Fort ‘Raspberry’ better. “So, who wants to try and raid her fort first?” Celestia asked. “As the first casualty of war, I politely decline for now.” Luna rubbed her head, still recovering from the blow. “You give it a go.” Celestia nodded, and snatched a spoon up in a golden glow. Scooping up a heaping portion of mashed pea, she took careful aim and let the gooey green mass fly. With a messy splat, it found its target. Flurry Heart cheered, face covered in pea, and Celestia hoof-pumped at her joy. “Direct hit!” “Haba!” Flurry concurred. “Hooray,” Luna added with a roll of her eyes. “Oh come now, this is fun! It’s your turn anyway, so take your best shot!” Luna sighed, and grabbed a small jar of hoof paint she’d stashed behind her diaper mound. Untwisting the lid, she stared at the green liquid for a moment before turning to the cooing baby nestled in her diaper den. Then she turned to Celestia, and had an idea. An awful idea. Grin curling upwards, she let her paint jar fly while crying out in full force, “Incoming!” Flurry’s eyes widened as she observed the flight path of the paint jar, squealed as it reached the peak of its arc... SPLAT And laughed with joy as it landed on an unsuspecting target! “LUNA! By Starswirl’s beard, what are you doing?!” Luna laughed, rolling over on her side as the giggles rocked her body. “Whoops! Friendly fire!” “... Hehehehe, well played!” Celestia blurted out amid her own fit of giggles. As the three took a moment to sort the laughter out of their system, it was Flurry’s turn once more to choose a weapon. As she scoured the room for her selection, Luna gave an aside glance to Celestia. “Sister, are you sure she can’t throw anything worse than a diaper bag?” “Relax, Luna. I made sure the worst that could happen is the diaper bag.” "Oopoori!" Flurry said with delight, holding up a modest-size box. "Sister, what is she holding?" Luna asked. Celestia’s eyes slowly began to shrink as she recognized the shape of the box and its distinct green and yellow coloration. "That... is a box of crayons." "What size?" "The big box,” Celestia answered in a worried tone. “I was saving that for Sunny." Flurry opened the lid of the box, revealing a wall of pointy crayons in a rainbow of colors. “Eheehee!” Luna’s tone quickly matched her sister’s. "H-How many crayons are in there?" "Ninety six,” Celestia deadpanned. Flurry Heart pulled out all the crayons in a swift, golden glow. Turning them toward the two shivering adults, she squealed with joy. Her innocent-looking eyes portrayed a stark contrast to what was about to happen. “Pre-sharpened?” “Most likely.” “Sister?” “Yes?” Luna held up a diaper bag for defense. “If we die, I blame you for this.” Celestia mirrored Luna’s action, bag at the ready. “Duly noted!”